American Elections

I am a centrist. I’ve spent half my life as a liberal and now am called a pink Tory. My father was right wing and my mother was left wing.  In Canada that division has been Conservative and NDP.  The Liberal party is an Eastern party driven by the socialist corporate corruption of Quebec. 

I lived in the US and supported the Democrats. I have many left wing friends and right wing friends. I find that being in the middle I have friends and enemies on both sides. I say you can tell extremists and radical left and right because they don’t have friends from the other side and aren’t hated at times by their own.  I have stood alone a lot in that middle place called no man’s land.

I feel I’m there today. I guess I supported Trump and Harper mostly because I saw the demonic deceit perpetrated in the ‘against the man’ hate.  It was an interested weapon used by the communists in Russia. The British actually used it against Gandhi in India too.  Attack the man. Ad hominem.  Hate Harper. Hate Trump.  So we got a corrupt stupid Trudeau, a name brand commodity whose the most unethical PM in history and the most vacuous.  He may have the prettiest hair too.  

As a liberal I saw the corruption in the political parties and was quite shocked. I lost my innoscence serving my liberal riding.  What am I going to get financially if I support you was the the principle question I heard at the meetings.  Money men asking the candidate quid pro quo. There was no high sounding rhetoric in the back rooms ever.  I now realize this is politics.  Political correctness is the false belief you can improve the taste of shit by serving it in a better bun.  However you dress Hitler you still have Hitler.  The appearances are the thing.

So there was Trump being demonized for saying he liked women.  Meanwhile the Democrats had a veritable rape squad in leadership.  The hypocrisy was unbelievable. Not that George Bush Junior was any less “dynastic’ than Hillary Clinton or Trudeau. The whole ‘dynasty’ thing is the false belief that ‘genes’ define character. The idea of democracy was tied to the idea of meritocracy. May the best man win?  However that’s no longer in politics. May the best black woman win isn’t either. Otherwise Candace Owen would be Vice President of the Democrat Party not the terribly deceitful utterly disrespectful “I will fuck your husband, bitch” Kamala Harris.  

So today we learn that Biden is to be president. I didn’t like that Obama supported the nuclear program of Iran and supported the Hezbollah aims and ISIS aims of destroying the Jews of Israel. I didn’t like the weird alliance of Sharai Communishm that has taken over the deeply corrupt UN with the high density of pedophiles similar to the make up of the former SS.  

I saw Trump as against the communism, marxist Leninist, dictatorships that had ravaged the 20th century. I simply believe in democracy and meritocracy.  Tokenism, cancel culture and favouritism are all anathema to me. The idea of a dwarf mullato mentally retarded pilot scares me. But that’s what the elite of communism do, the foist these alternatives on the people Because the communists kill the smart and competitive. Same with the Islam armies.  Take out the threat.  Murder millions. With every take over they did the same. I guess I was afraid. I saw Trudeau’s censorship. Comedians are fined for telling jokes that Trudeau doesn’t approve of. Since Trudeau came to power and imposed his dictatorship on Canadians bringing the Communist Chinese Military to Canada to back his play, it’s been daily anti America out of the Communist BRoadcasting Corporation our State CBC.  Anti Trump.  American’s don’t realize that to the Canadian CBC Trump is America and the French like the French in Paris, loathe American. The Ugly American. The envy and hate them.  So American who were Democrats thought Canadians authorities don’t like Trump but no, they don’t like American’s. Conrad black summed it up, Canadian parents want their children to grow up to be bureaucrats. American parents want their children to grow up to be entrepreneurs.  Trudeau admits he likes dictatorships. Being born elite and the most priviledge of Canadians he never considers what it’s like to be at the bottom of dictatorship hierarchies. He always assumes that he’ll be on top because that’s what his mommy told him. He’s special.  

The trouble with dictatorships, especially communist dictatorships is that without freedom of speech, freedom of congregation and religious freedom, the elite abuse their power.  Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.  The American constitution ensure separation of powers.  The Executive, legislative body and judicial body are separate.  The trouble was a political class of political lawyers who are the ‘deep swamp’ . They are very similar to the Communist Party.  At one time the secret society, the Freemasons had similar power. All of the police in many jurisdictions were Freemasons.  It would be the same if everyone who was a judge was a Baptist. These are problems in the structure of government and have lead to major abuses. The trouble is that in democracies the checks and balances protect the poor whereas in dictatorships the checks and balances protect the elite.

I am afraid of government.  I have been falsely accused and experienced supreme punishment at the hands of the corrupt state. This was in Canada where the treatment I received is rare and unusual. Working with refugees from around the world I learned that what I’d experienced is the common practice in dictatorships.  Dictators are frightened of intelligent competent people and surround themselves with the kind of low brow fawning sorts that are attractive to power like flies to shit.  

I just felt that the Trump versus Xi Jinping struggle was the same as Reagan versus Gorbachev or Churchill versus Hitler. I considered the Democrat candidates no different than Chamberlain.  You don’t negotiate with tyrants like those in China or Russia or Iran from weakness. You don’t ‘appeal’ to their better nature. They don’t have one.  Predators attack weakness. So the Democrats seemed weak to me. As weak as Trudeau who has no character and is a moral train wreck.  

I also believed that the Republicans like the Conservatives cared for the Seniors and protected the family.  I have seen communists like Trudeau steal my pension. I was told that a portion of my income would be taken from me and the government would invest this and make a great profit on the pension investments and I’d be rich in my old age with all manner of benefits accrued because I was a good worker. Now the liberals are instead offering a cut rate deal on euthanasia for the old because they stole the pension and their investments made their cronies rich but left little for seniors. So I preferred the saner less corrupt financil planning of the conservatives and the republicans.  

I confess to those fears and feeling that Trump would stop the Agenda 21 and Davos 2030 and all these pseudoscience schemes.  Windmills are surrounded by dead birds and bats and the ignorant manipulation of the environment has caused more harm than the pseudoscience predictions of the ‘skies falling, give me money’. Now we have Covid and again a whole lot of pseudoscience.  Fentanyl and Covid come directly from the Communist Military.  Yet even that is heresy to speak of as Trudeau ignores the old, the mentally ill and Sophie screams ‘give them cake’.  Free stuff.  Drugs and dregs.  

I saw the Antifida break into the Capitol. I saw that the looters orchestrated the riots to break into high end jewelry and fur stores in Canada. I saw that the police left an empty police car to be burned in the Toronto riots. I read the modus operandi of the British dealing with Gandhi and see the same thing here.  Marshall MacLuhan said the “medium is the message’ ...it’s the same strategies and tactics.  What was done to a good man, Harper was done to a less good man Trump.  Trump and his daughter Ivanka are being evicted for incredibly corrupt Biden and his ultimately corrupt son Hunter.  These crime families are a fascinating sociological studie. The new dynasties.  The secular monarchies.

I know politics is the least bad alternative. I don’t believe in change for change sake. I don’t want a revolution. I understand the Beatles. Revolutions mean a whole bunch of people lose and one bad guy gets replaced by a worst guy.  It all looks good on the big screen but the little guy at the bottom looses and I don’t have a lot of hope for government having worked in jails and asylums where the government shows its truest face. 

I’ve also worked in seniors homes and am afraid of them.  Covid has shown us how badly the seniors were treated and how vulnerable they were. They didn’t have staff. They didn’t have baths. They didn’t have nutrition.  Chinese billionaires bought nursing homes and ran them at profit claiming they were treating the old people, better than we treat our own. These were ex communists. Not the capitalist Chinese who venerate their old. Marx and Lenin didn’t care for the old. So these new communist capitalists like Xi Jinping and Putin are without honour and don’t care for the old. Canada doesn’t care for seniors either.

I’m told old to be a soldier. 

I’m afraid of the young Turks.  

Trump was the old man.  I’m an old man. Hate Trump was Hate the old man. Harper was a man and the Hate Harper was hate the man too.  Biden and Trudeau are boy men.  Neither have ever left their mother’s tit. They are government children.  They are pretty boys and the girls love them because they are not independent.  Men are wild cards.  Churchill was treated exactly the same as Trump.  Meanwhile Chamberlain and Biden are twins.  Xi Jinping is Hitler reincarnated.  Putin is a voice of reason by comparison. He’s more like a mafia boss. He actually likes people.  Xi Jinping like Kim and the other communist dictators don’t.  Putin is more like the Rockefeller’s of an earlier era than the bloodthirsty Xi Jinping who is so like Stalin. Those who don’t study history are doomed to repeat it. So much seems the same with different faces.  Soap operas on a rerun dial. Characters by different names but the same archetypes.

I’m just sad that Biden is confirmed as president. He was chosen by the boys and girls in the back room and the whole media electoral social media thing was rigged and there was little democracy and so much corruption but not much different from Gore and Bush days. Heads and tails. Same coin. Rigged elections. Rigged soccer games.  Illusions. Smoke and mirrors. A few families controlling. The reformer always the enemy of those who benefit from the status quo. 

I should hope that Biden will bring forth a new era for America but I’ve watch Canada under TRudeau descend to a third world country a variation on the Venezuela theme. A northern Cuba living of the remains of years of prosperity built by the hard workers. A kind of South Africa or Rhodesia going back into the jungle despite the flowery words.  Tribalism on the rise.  I fear the same for America on a bigger scale with Islam and Communism happy to invade the west and pick up where they left off their perpetual war.  

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.  I look forward to dying. My dreams when I sleep have been better by so much than these days of Covid and isolation and sociopaths in power lying and making a religion of science so they can feed it to the masses like Marx said, ‘religion the opiate of the masses.’ No Marx, politics is the opiate of the masses.  Religion and Science were the lights you and yours destroyed.  The dark ages .  They weren’t so dark. Turns out the winners who write history are psychotic and don’t know history but rely on marketing. Medieval times were happy times in so many ways. These may well be the best of times. I must focus on that.

Acceptance.

Tolerance.

Antifida were allowed into the Capitol dressed as Trump Supporters.  Priceless.  Well played, Satan.

January Gratitude

Thank you God for air. Thank you for the warmth inside. Thank you for running water and indoor plumbing. Thank you for coffee. Thank you for Madigan. He barked at me this morning because he considers that licking the yoghurt container is his timely right.  I told him I don’t like barking in the morning before my second coffee. He settled after I’d had my yoghurt, coffee and two ham and cheese croissants from Cobs. He liked the little ends of those.

 Thanks to Reg I remembered to give him his second of three worm meds.  I might be a week out on that. I have one to go and a stool sample container to take to the vet when we get his next vaccinations. I don’t even think of Bill Gates, Glaxo or Pfieser or Conspiracy when I get him his vaccinations. 

I don’t think people in power are that stupid to mess with puppies or kids. Only in communist countries did the infant mortality rate rise again. With modern times, nutrition, women working less, clean water and medicine, infant mortality and child death dropped all across the free world.  In Communist Countriest it began to rise again becaue of alcoholism and lack of family love. Here in the free world no one in power is messing with the bodies of puppies or children. They sure are messing with the minds of children.  I’m thankful for my parents and my teachers. I was so blessed to have a great political science teacher in Gr. 12 who showed us that you couldn’t judge countries or systems by their politicians writings or words but that one must always look at ‘evidence’.  Everyone wants to live in the free world. No one is lining up and breaking down walls to live in communist countries or religious dictatorships. I’m thankful I lived before CBC became a propaganda outlet. I loved having CJOB news growing up with hog prices and wheat prices and facts then later getting Barbara Fromm when CBC was UN corrupted. I miss Ralf Nader and JFK and Reagan.  I miss some things of the ‘good ole days. 

I’m at work again after a couple of weeks vacation. I’m really exhausted and frazzled at the end of the day.  The phone and video are a part of the stress, my hearing loss is some, though I’ve added amplifier, the ESL issue is big in psychiatry, a lot of nuance and body language is missing. There’s the never ending fear of the government unlimited police power. I look back on my life and repeatedly doing the right thing, what I was taught by my teachers what is good medicine I was faced with a patient that complained. A psychotic pedophile complained that I said something that upset them. I hadn’t . It was delusional but the government is now a ‘folio a dieux’ and the most psychotic people wear suits so with lawyers and millions of dollars if not billions of dollars of health care funding we played out a year or two of maybe the doctor is a psychopath and all us good bureaurocrats are here to save you the woman who killed her babies from the mean bad boogie man who reminds you of your mother and father who had used you in sex experiments as a baby.  Now I lived each day of those years not knowing if I’d have a job in the morning. Not knowing if I was right to diagnose the patient as borderline schizophrenia because the doctor police in that occasions were more psychotic than anyone I’ve ever seen.  “Women don’t lie” the female superior said.  Two years of my life under that tyranny and each night unable to sleep, each night wondering what world I lived in and complaining that this sociopath who literally hated men was in charge went nowhere. All I heard over and over again was ,that’s why I don’t have any alcoholics or drug addicts in my practice and why I refuse to see borderline patients.  Because the authorities are evil. So the sickest most disturbed don’t get treatment and everyone is afraid of going to work with these people because the authorities are more psychotic and identify with the deceitful and delusional.  I felt like a woman, a Jew, and an aboriginal in the 19th century. It’s the 21 st century and my Jewish female aboriginal friend says, “why do these people talk and act like it’s a hundred years ago.” We were both trying to raise consciousness about the genocide of Tibetans happening today. But the Marxist Leninist propaganda had stopped any real discourse. The world has become cancel culture, paranoid posturing, I and them, me and it, all that hate thinking from the shallow anti hate , pro censorship. I was glad to see the brightest actors Rowan Atkinson and John Cleese , with their genius and incredible educations beyond their acting were as much against the censorship today that the low brow weak links of Hollywood celebrate.   

I’m uncertain about most things. My mind has a whole lot passing through it. I like the idea of the mind as a radio receiver transmitter or a party line. It counts not so much what you think as what you do. Action speaks loudest. All these politicians these days incongruent, telling others to stay locked down, destroying the world, much like their Nuremberg predecessors, all the while they take trips ,don’t wear masks and congregate in great hate groups. Nothing is a better metaphor than black face taking a knee in the marxist Lennonist egomania, me first movement.  It’s always me first .  Right now Covid has taken over from Climate Change.  Greta pouts.  Some new media star joints the entertainment cycle.  In Canada the comedian who was fined for telling a joke is before the humourless Supreme Court. Mostly people who can’t belly laugh go into the law which is based on old men and old women wearing wigs and no one is allowed to laugh because a man with a gun is in the room.

It’s bizarre.  I journal as a means of squeezing the puss out of my mind, clearing it for the day. I was in favour of transparency and felt after years of work seeing multi millionaires, world leaders and the best of the best in my practice that the average joe should realize that it’s not what one thinks that makes one crazy, but what one dwells on. A bird can shit in your hair but you don’t let it make a nest there.  I’m fascinated by the Carnal Sins and Addiction and the compulsion and obsessions.  

Right now we have a woman going for Vice President who gave blow jobs for the governor to advance her cause all the while rubbing the governor’s wife’s face in it. In Canada our PM was able to pay a little girls millions for silence and non disclosure while his father bought off the Attorney General to protect the other drug addicted son.  Steal a little and they put you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king.

What great things have been done by politicians recently?  Well they are muddling along. There are peace treaties in the Middle East. There’s Space X and amazing scientific breakthroughs.  I’m here at this lap top writing in a journal which will be preserved electronically. I have a camera that’s digital. There’s so much to be thankful for and I have to see the positive despite hearing despair and depression and the worst anxiety all day. At the end of the day my soul is scraping fingernails on ice windows and its dark and cold and raining outside. I fear work , fear hearing another person afraid and having little to say to yet another saying ‘the medications aren’t working, I’m so afraid to go outside. ‘M afraid of dying. I’m afraid I might get covid. I’m afraid I’ll bring it home and kill my elderly parents.’

What can I say.

I do the best I can. 

I suit up and show up.

I don’t feel I’m getting any help from management.  They have platitudes and promises. Yet we do have vaccines coming and they may have some psychosomatic value if they don’t kill us, make us all infertile and have terrible side effects. Half the medical professionals don’t want them. Half do.  What do I say. I’m looking forward to a vaccine but I’m Luke warm.  

God bless. Thank you Jesus for all the positives. Thank you for family and friends and patients. Be with them. Keep them all safe. Help them this day. Help Madigan grow and be well. Help the babies.  Thank you God for this Day. 

Rainy Day Gratitude

Thank you Lord for the rain. The plants, flowers and trees love it. I like the way it cleans the streets and fills the streams. Thank you Lord for the Sunshine and Rainbows that follow the rain, the lush green of the country side.  Thank you Lord for Oxygen, Carbon Dioxide, mitochondria, the Krebb Cycle and DNA. Thank you the thalamus and Pineal gland, frontal lobes and axilla’s. Thank you for surprises and steadiness. Thank you for gravity and the rotation of the moon and Earth and Sun. Thank you for the galaxy.

Thank you for love. Thank you for Madigan, Thank you for puppies, kittens and babies. Thank you for connectedness and community. Thank you for church and school and meetings. Thank you for order. Thank you for stars and sunshine. Thank you for machines and computers and vehicles.

Thank you for this life, Lord. Thank you.

New Year’s Day, 2021

I’m thankful that I’m not in a war. I’m thankful I’m not in hospital. I am thankful that my family and friends are well. I’m thankful for Madigan and his busy puppy home entertainment. I’m thankful for Laura’s company this day. I’m thankful for all the food we’ve consumed over the holidays. Great meals. I’m thankful for the movies and books

I look forward to the end of the politically driven,even evil, lockdowns.  I long to feel free physically and politically,  I am hoping, one day at a time ,that I continue to work and serve in the coming year, helping others, and doing good work.  

I have no resolutions or even great plans. Just the next right thing.  One day and one week at a time.  I’m waiting for God to use me. I feel I’m sitting on the bench or at most just hauling water and chopping wood.  That’s okay.  It’s steady.  My worst sin right now is clutter and keeping up cleaning up after the puppy.  That’s a major improvement over other times in my life.

Right now I’m highly critical of our corrupt federal government. My friends who have lived in tyranny and communism have said they are afraid for me. They’ve  said they learned to ‘whisper’ in the lands they left. Others tell me that the things the people they were escaping are now among us and some are in power.  Canadians live collectively suck lives of quiet desperation. Apathy is the national sentiment. I fee I I should be silent. It’s not like I’ve not been warned.  Trudeau punishes comedians with huge fines and promotes euthanasia for the seniors. He is systematically destroying Canada all the while he points at non existent problems to stop us looking where his smug corruption stinks most.  

I have no individuals I feel such disgust for. I have this sense for the evil institution of liberalism which has taken the light out of the land.  These are institutions and principles and I have major resentments and fear associated for such corruption. I’ve been falsely accused on several occasions and innoscent, wholly innoscent, punished by the despicable slime by the smegma authorities who back terrorists and criminals.  I’ve repeatedly worked to forgive these Satanic psychopaths and their sociopath brethren but I keep having night terrors from the wounds they made.  Lying perverts like the despicable Trudeau cadre.  I don’t like active drug addicts.  I know they can in their twisted state do such damage and they rarely make amends for the harm they did. I made amends.  I’ve turned my cheek 70x70.  It is too easy to suck the tit of bitter self pity.

It’s a new year. I want to be more loving. I want to live in the day. Carpe diem. I want to leave the past in the past. 

But each day they announce ‘cases’ like an incantation and I know, thanks to all my training ,that money is changing hands.  It changed hands when I was locked up and needles shoved in me against the law and against my will by people who themselves were sadists and would say as they said in Nuremberg they were just doing their jobs, following orders like the Milgram Psychological experiments and the Stanford Prison Experiments. I worked with the dangerously insane in asylums and prisons. I know what they are like and those who are attracted to them.  I miss my innoscence. I miss singing Give I sang Peace a Chance before being billy clubbed.  I miss singing Jesus Loves me before being told by aetheist thugs that we can’t speak of Jesus but we can speak of the god called ‘NO God” .  There’s Islam a phobia and atisemeticism but no Christians phobia laws. Secularism isn’t ‘no god’ and science isn’t the ‘no god’ religion but the ignorant think that. They used DNA testing like fingerprints without realizing fruit flies have 75% of human DNA. They don’t know the interconnected ness or karma or divine retribution or that when you point a finger three are pointing back. There is so much judgement with so little discernment.

I don’t want to be there, in that space.

I want to be more loving, experience more laughter, walk more in the woods, be more like my puppy. Bite everything.  Pee and poop with abandon.  I’m weary of the constant rule makers and those above the rules who make the rules.  I will teach the puppy to poop and pee outside. We will graduate from pee pads but I’ve learned that half or more of the people around me wear diapers on their minds still.  

I don’t feel I’m any closer to God or figuring out what this life is about and why I’m here or where I ‘m going.  I seem only to know what is ‘not god’ a deep spiritual but still in the dark night of the soul. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow ox death I will fear no evil. The mystery. 

I’m definitely older.  I hurt more.  I miss my young athletic dancer body.  

I love the memories , those positive ones, the ones I fear to live in , afraid I might lose them. I wake in the morning and I’ve been walking with my family, dead friends and dead pets have been with me. Today I woke from sailing.  

It’s a good day. This Jan 1.  2021.  It’s good to be alive.  I’m thankful for life and air and gravity and blood.  Thank you Jesus.  I have an advocate in the afterlife. I don’t fear death but do fear dying. Hail May, ...pray for us now and in the hour of our death.

God bless. 

New Year’s Eve morning, 2020-2021

Madigan is the best of this year.  Losing Gilbert was the worst.  Trading in the KTM 690 for the Vespa 250 Touring was another highlight.  Taking the Camper with Laura and Gilbert first to Horse Lake then to Princeton was also pretty incredible.  BC camping with a truck and a camper and a motorcycle is pretty awesome anytime. 

I  really liked getting the Nikon P1000 for birding.  Discussing that and the SiOnyx Night vision pro with my nephew was pretty awesome. Then bird pictures. I loved walks with Gilbert, he had heart disease and was slowed down so didn’t mind the stops I made to take pictures.  I loved the Anna’s hummingbird, immature eagle, the red tailed Hawk, the king fisher, the wood ducks.  The king fisher was special.

I know, it was Covid.  I moved home from the clinics to my virtual office. I loved the “Living in a ghost town,” song by the Rolling Stones.  It was tough. All the sadness and despair.  Reassurance and a prescription pad.  Motivation therapy and 12 step facilitation.  I missed church. I missed meetings. I missed the symphony, the ballet, opera and concerts, travel. I enjoyed dressing up and going for outdoor coffee. Visiting the post office and grocery shopping twice a week became the big excursions.

Normally I reflect on the year just about now. This year was just survival. I was running on empty when the Christmas break came. I’m still recuperating.  I thought it rather synchronistic that the battery in my truck died, the neighbourhood power was out 24 hours. I ran out of gas for the generator.  

Laura as tired too.  Madigan was biting.  I cooked meals each day. I exercised. My back has been a pain. I feel a bit old and vulnerable. I was so sick in spring, unable to breathe, like a scuba diving accident.  Shocking. I came through.  I worry more more.  The media and government and just about everyone has disappointed me. The fear mongering has been constant.  I’m feeling deeply betrayed. It’s such an easy temptation to go into self pity and curl up in a ball in bed.  I haven’t.

Each day I’ve showered. I’ve walked the dog now.  I needed a dog. A dog gets me out.  He gets me up.  I’m really blessed to have a dog. Madigan bites and pees and poops in puppy way still.  I believe in weeks or months when we can get outside without rain or snow the whole outdoor dog toilet thing will begin to happen.  The biting will stop. He’s a lovely little guy. So much enthusiasm.

Another big thing was the storage locker.  Reducing two storage lockers to one and giving away a ton of good stuff and digitalizing a couple of decades of medical files was an accomplishment.  

Isolation and masks and social distancing and hand washing and staying home.  Netflix and Satellite internet.  Video conferencing.  Reading. Some writing but not the projects I have plans for. 

Daily I’ve asked God for protection and guidance.  I’ve prayed for family, friends and patients. 

I’m glad my nephew, Alan is back in Canada with Meagan.

I’m excited that Anna is having another baby and little Willie is turning a year old.  So thankful the other good kids are well.

I lowered the bar on 2020.  I survived. I worked and I paid the taxes.  We are still in the midst of the corrupt American election and unconventional hybrid war of Communist China. 

 I’m hopeful. I force myself to be.  I have faith. I’m progressing. I don’t fear death.  Each day is a blessing. Madigan needs me. I live for my dog.  I don’t think adults need me.  I once thought I was important. I don’t anymore. I’m not sure what adventures I want to do. I meant to write books. I was planning on sailing the Atlantic. I wanted to fish pickerel and pike more. Hunt some more. Motorcycle.  Go camping. I love camping.  Lying on the couch reading or watching Netflix and camping and walking the dog are highlights of my existence. Drinking coffee. Sleeping too. Being in bed with Laura is good. I’ve had great dreams all year, hopeful positive dreams, dreams of the peninsula and meetings and the boat. 

2021 can be the year of dreams.  More camping.  More dog walking. More photography. More writing. More de cluttering my life. More focus on essentials.  Covid did that.  So much dross exposed.  

2021.

Thank you God for this life. Thank you God for all the blessings. Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for love and life and truth.  Thank you for being. I am ,that is who I am.  

May the long time sunshine always surround you and the pure light within you guide your way home

We are just walking each other home.

Sunday Dec. 27, 2020 Puppy Mind

Women with babies sometimes describe their own minds as ‘baby minds’.  I’ve got a ‘puppy’ mind. It’s fudge.  Kind of murky and focused on pee, poop, and food.  I don’t have his teeth. Everything is in his mouth and gets tooth.  Including human.

Christmas snuc up on me. I was working then suddenly Laura was here.  I made steak then I made ham .I cooked poached eggs and had bacon sandwiches. I then had left over ham sandwiches. Highlights were ordering food on line and driving to Save On Foods for pick up.  The really special event was FaceTime call with family. I liked seeing all the bearded nephews and hearing that my Aran sweater gifts fit the girls. Adell modelled  hers and it looked great.  Glad to have Alan and Meagan home from Britain before another lock down. I’ve enjoyed Graeme’s Ember skies production.  I enjoy having Laura here. I don’t feel as invested in a sex change.  It’s a kind of adventure  idea like Black Like Me.  I’m working. I’ve travelled . I’d thought to sail the Atlantic but Covid and aging make the whole ocean crossing world travel thing seem daunting.  I really just want to be on a beach in the tropics now. I so enjoyed camping with Gilbert and the Vespa this summer on the lake.  

Now it’s all about Madigan.  Walks and cuddles and cleaning up his poop and pee pads.  Looking forward to each accomplishment and his growth. He’s bigger. He can jump up on the couch and climb up and down stairs.

I’m reading beach reads.  A couple of westerns and now an espionage thriller. I think I should be writing a book or completing a project but that’s the bug bear. I don’t have any capacity to do or see more than a day or two into the future. I can’t focus or plan.  My life revolves around the new addition to the family.  I love him.  Home entertainment at its finist.  

My nephew and his wife are having this experience on steroids with Finn.  My God child Willie is giving Anna and Kevin and the three meerkat siblings this pleasure too.  Willie just turned one and another is on the way.  I miss having children.  It’s left me grieving.  The main disappointment in my life. God had other plans.  I delivered babies, treated thousands of children and families. I’ve served.

All over the floor there are dog toys.  Dog chews and torn paper. Below my knees is his world. When I sit to meditate the squirmy is all over me.  

Life is good.  Covid is crazy.  I feel inadequate in my work. It’s global.  There’s nothing local about the cause of so much sorrow and suffering.  Unconventional war by Communist China and the UN elites.  I don’t know what’s happening. Trudeau is not only inept and putrid, he’s downright evil.  He appears worse than the DTES. Like Nero or Herod. George III was mentally ill at the end of his reign losing America. Trudeau’s reign began badly and gets worse. Government and media seem so corrupt. Yet the world muddles on. I try to be hopeful. The Trump election concerns persist. The China Sea war and Iran aggression persist. Taxes rise as does cost of living, more lavish living by elites and more taxes for us.

I remain grateful, for God, for life, for puppy, for love, for family and friends. I pray for my patients and meditate daily. We are past the solstice and the days are getting long. Hallelujah. No need to sacrifice virgins. The Sun is coming.

Wednesday

I woke up to the musical alarm.  The song, “I believe in God”.  The Creed plays over and over. I hit the snooze bar twice.  I was going tor three but thought it unfair to the puppy. I don’t know when he awakes but he’s so excited when I get up.  Jumping and twirling.  I stepped off the bed and walked into the bathroom.  Looking over his shoulder at me, he peed on the bathroom rug. I was still too asleep to do anything.  He seemed very impressed with himself.  Last night he pooped in the shower.  He’s a big dog and I think he thinks big dogs do it there.  “See dad, I’m a big dog too”.  I couldn’t process all this, just picked up the rug and put it in the hamper. I used the anti odour spray and wiped up the dribble around the rug. Despite the size of the target, he’s a boy.

When I was on the floor doing meditation and yoga he was all over me. I kept thinking this is ‘god’.  I petted him till he settled then got up and made coffee. Coffee and a Christmas tart.  The food. I read the Internet news.  No change.  Election and Covid.  Friends with great risqué jokes.  A shopping catalogue experience on FB with things they know I liked.  A travelling vest that carries all the tech one could want.  I then remembered I wasn’t travelling anywhere any time soon.  Back to the shower. Walk the dog. Into the garage office.  

Another 8 hours of reassuring people who are too often alone and in despair. The Covid pandemic begat the Mental Health epidemic.  The worst is dealing with the bean counters and money men, insurance agents, safe in offices, hustling front line workers that simply burn out. They’ve done months on the front line and now I have to explain to someone witholding promises that the person can’t work. To bosses, and Monday morning quarter backs, and insurance folk, everyone is a malingerer, If it wasn’t for my desire to not get a strangers blood on me I’d have throttled this one callous sociopath in suit for demanding a letter that week or he wouldn’t honour the care workers claim from a week before.  “It’s Covid!!~! I wanted to scream moistly in his face. I’ve waited months for a new washing machine. It took me weeks to get my computer fixed.  Here’s this bully terrorizing my patient with their petty power in the middle of the plague with half the government and union workers gleefully doing holiday times even though they never were frontline. And he  gets sticky with a good girl who collapsed at work and now is paranoid in bed.  I remember when I worked VGH ER walking through molasses going to the executioners block headed into work where for months I’d been spit on and bled on by Aids demented patients, drunk and stoned angry people just handed a death sentence by their doctor.  This patient younger friend had died from Covid and heart disease.  She couldn’t work.  But this strutting paper pusher working under layers of strutting paper pushers was kicking us down at the bottom, Last night at 9 pm I filled out the forms and sent them to the clinic front line staff who look more grey each time I see them.  The lockdowns wearing people down.  Stop banging pots for frontline workers. Do something meaningful like processing their claims and getting back to your cushy safe office jobs rather than smoking dope and watching Netflix.

Just another day.  Another old man who is the highest risk patient in my practice, a war vet, nightmares, flashbacks, physical wounds, heart and lung disease, lives a lone.  His horrible little room is cold in winter. He has trouble breathing. Can’t lie down or would die at night. His friend, another war vet, used to drive each week to take him to the market. He died last week, multiple illness, but Covid got him.  The patient asked the government for help. He was told he had to fill out a form on line. He only has a cell phone.  I tried navigating the site from my computer. Completely unmanageable.  One of those ‘see we care’ government actions that guarantee no one uses it but the virtue signalling works. Thankfully there are advocacy services. I get the phone number. An. Advocate I know will help.  But no one would talk to this old man.  The site actually said that they had closed their physical offices due to Covid.  Just great government. Like Trudeau taken months of summer holidays and claiming he cared.  I resist the frustration.  The people who are working are amazing. I have several government patient working from home or going to stand and meet the growing lines of desperate people.  The problem is at the top but locally leadership remains mostly okay.  The man has no money for food delivery. I called a market and they’ d make a delivery this time till we got the advocate involved.  He couldn’t plan for his only friend to die.  Trudeau’s henchmen would be on their way to offer him MAiD and Euthanasia if I mentioned his name.  My germophobic OCD patients are really taking a hit. The saddest are the family of dying parents in maximum security nursing homes.  No visitors.  I hear all the things the daughter wished she could have told her mom. She tells me how her last memory was putting her hand to the glass window, standing outside in the rain and cold looking at her moms crying eyes.  I’m tired of this too. I can’t support lockdowns but tell those at risk to be safe.  Covid vaccines appear to be good but no panacea.  Nature will go it’s course. The vaccines will be ameliorative. But life is temporary.  In the meantime we try to be kind, at least some of us.  

The media is controlled by 6 propaganda corporations. I miss the bootleg music stations that had ships at sea.  The truth is in the blogs and pub med studies that aren’t reported widely.

I’m going to shower. The walk with the little guy is a high spot for him.  I get joy watching his joy.  

I’m praying more.  The Bible gives solace.  I reading the history of government persecutions of Christians.  Islamists killed more this week in Africa.  Trudeau hates Christians and Catholics.  Communism is the religion of Aetheism and Trudeau invited the Communist Chinese Military to train in Canada and steal military secrets. In a sane world he’d be in jail but the Nazi’s seem to be ascendant, Totalitarianism and Sharia Communism.  I read how millions of Indians hid their money in their mattress.  I wish I was better at barter.

Then i take hope and realize this too will pass. I will read to the end of the chapter on persecution of Christians and come to the time when tolerance of religions came to be and freedom of speech, freedom of expression and freedom of congregation were not something people would give up to girl abusing clown who looks more impaired every picture I see of him.  What does he do in that basement of his?  A previous liberal PM was out every night with prostitutes Could some one assure me there are slave girl in the dope den in the basement on Sussex.  AFter reading he invited Communist Chinese Generals to Canada I can believe anything.  Like his father he hates American and British.  I really have trouble maintaining faith and trusting leadership.  Why is Trudeau still there?  But locally the government still functions.  Hogans and Dix are pretty solid characters by all reports. I can only hope. Everything is above my pay grade as billionaires become trillionairs and middle class is taxed down to peasant class.

I’d better put on the SAD Lite. The rain and overcast wear along with the isolation. I miss church. I miss the theatre and symphony and ballet. I miss travel. We’d planned to go to island for Christmas, not Italy, not Ireland, just to Victoria.  I used to drive down to Bellingham for a day in winter. A break from the city. A change. Now even that is verboten. I’m looking forward to a break.  The depression, anxiety and despair is getting to me. “The meds aren’t working, doctor’. The patient says of their pain or anxiety medication.  I worry about addiction. I hear drunk and stoned patients who relapsed and there’s little to offer. ‘I called the number you gave me and they say they have no one talking to anyone. I can’t afford anything,  What are you going to do?  Meanwhile Trudeau Supremo gives more money to terrorists and overseas cronies.  I have to deal with my resentment but I remember a mentor telling me that it wasn’t a resentment if the bullets were whizzing past your ear. In times like this it’s just best to duck. I’m blessed myself.  I can listen. Reassure. Keep the communication open.  Thank god the police have been helping my patients who have locked themselves in their rooms to kill themselves and my phone calls have brought relief. I love my colleagues working emergencies.

Another day. Covid and lockdowns.  

At least the puppy is eating and pooping.  Thank God for that. 

Flicker out window