South to the Sun, Half Moon Bay, Day 5, 8 am

I woke at 4 am. I let Madigan out to pee.  The sky was clear and Orion stars were dazzling.,  Lovely southern night.  I saw one trailer leaving and thought about it.  LA is 6 hours and I’m only planning on going half way today possibly SAN Luis Obispo, I climbed back into the camper bed above the roof of the Ford truck.  I’m glad I did.

I woke when the lights came on from a wonderful dream. I was with a group of colleagues and felt very much a part of.  They were showing me their clinic and inviting me to join them. It was all in one building and there were at least a half dozen or more, some of who I knew and liked.  There was even a psychiatrist in a white walled office wearing white starched shirt with cuffed sleeves inviting a young couple into what was clearly a psychoanalytic psychotherapy room.  I enjoyed it all.  

There was a bit though which is a mystery. They wanted me to take an injection like a vaccine.  I did but it seemed I had to have this ‘mark’ or injection to be apart of this group. I have felt the outsider so long and remembered when another psychiatrist wanted me to take a drug to join his group.  It wasn’t ominous and I liked them all. They had wives and children and houses and were regular sorts.  Guys I admired.  

Yet I also saw the Matthew 8:20 on the wall of Jim Houston’s office, “Foxes have dens and birds of the air have nests , but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”

I thought to of the annual artist show called the “outsider festival’. The artist as outsider but reading history I know that the Impressionists I love were mostly friends but not part of the establishment of the day.  Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo were part of the guild and yet went to Florence and Milan and Rome , places away from their homes.

I liked the dream though.  Nothing scares. I liked reading last night that Elon Musk said he was a 3000 year old alien searching for his home. He was obviously being humorous but I can relate.  He was joking about insomnia perhaps which I’ve had at times this year.  People describe happiness and I’ve had that feeling recently but more contentment I’m on an adventure and driving at times is high stress just as sailing was associated with a lot of adrenaline experiences,  I appreciate that many don’t embrace the challenges and perhaps know more serenity. I believe that emotions are contrasting and you can’t experience true joy without having known great sadness.  So many leads ‘lives of quiet desperation’ and I have known that too,

I have been so poor for days I’ve not had food.  Like a beggar I’ve depended on hand outs.  Leaving my parents home was a Prodigal son event as was coming home and being welcomed back by my mmother and brother and tentatively by my father.  Then I trusted musician friends and was betrayed. Later I’d be a dancer and have steady income. I really was rich in love.  Me and Bobby McGee described my life back then, the hitchhiking hippie married and in love working kitchens to pay for lessons and a bicycle. Bicycling across Europe to Morocco and having to borrow money to survive that first month in London.  I felt confident then.   I felt safe in the love of parents and being supported by a rich country I was so proud of.  Being Canadian was truly something after WWII and the sacrifice of the soldiers.  Our life in Canada was such a contrast to Europeans. In England they had just stopped some kinds of rationing when we were there.  

Then I was frugal doing university with just enough money to live but I had a students bachelor near the university and all I wanted to do was study. I lived in the library and was rich in books. I was meditating and praying and not long after fell in love again.  We were like our friends buying houses and working two jobs.  It was passed the time when in first year I gave blood to buy a stethoscope.  I was going somewhere. A yuppie. Young upwardly mobile professional.  I was climbing the mountain, rich in purpose and again in love,

The next divorce was a set back but not the personal betrayal or the anxiety or the alcohol and marijuana. I was drinking and smoking weed not so much for fun as to escape. I was deeply depressed with my life.  I had given up my dreams for marriage, left country and northern practice and gone into psychiatry to live in the city with her and now I didn’t know what to do. I did my American exams , had a girlfriend and thought of that life but returned to Canada and emergency work.  I really was picking up the pieces and all those other cliches.  The nurse I was with turned out to do coke. I escape to the country and was fine smoking dope but paranoid of my colleague who turned out to be a scoundrel. I only learned this from his previous associates who he stabbed in the back.  Sexually I was fucked.  I was haunted by my past.  I’d had such good times and couldn’t get over the feeling of being victimized and taken advantage of. I asked my self would I ever do that to someone struggling and realized I wouldn’t.  

 I was married again. I felt rich when I met her, psychologically troubled but thousands in the bank ,no debts, all I needed and was happy with my new Vanagon.  Truly a step up from the VW bug I’d had at the end of my last marriage.  I’d traded the Mustang I had and loved for this character car and the money to carry on,  For the next 10 years I was working and sailing, living in the country in a homestead for a couple o years having a truly incredible clinic and practice but again with the sick wife.  I ‘d gone through the death of one mother in law and now faced another sick and dying and the depressed and angry daughter.    I was always alone waiting for her to come home assuming affairs and worried about the coke again. I was drinking wine and smoking dope but everything was regular. I was enjoying the country practice and colleagues again.  But it crashed.  Her mother’s death and her lack of practice and ‘I never wanted to be in the country I only came till you got it out of your system’.  All her friends laughed and said ‘we all knew she was a Shaugnassey girl’

I returned to live on the boat. She could do her thing and I would work and train asa off shore sea captain, The renanisance man.  Maybe I’d escape to sea.  I eventually did but never felt poor all those years working and supporting here and feeling that I had what I needed and money was being spent on fixing up a house or outfitting a boat but that was it.  The women only made half what I did but paid their own way though in all those years I paid the lions’s share but didn’t care because I had money to pay for roofs and /or hull paint and workers who worked with me.  

I was only poor again when I invested everything into a new practice and she again didn’t show up for work and stayed in bed and wouldn’t come out of her room.  I remember saying, I can go to work and care for a thousand depressed people and come hone but i can’t come home and care for you as well, “ I was seeing a therapist and she refused to . Her drinking and drugging and the cocaine were all worse but I was seeing the therapist and telling him the truth and he was very concerned about her cocaine, not the wine, not the pot but ‘I’ve known too many people who have lost their lives to cocaine,’. So we sent her off to see. Her family and get therapy in Southern California with family.  

Another divorce.  I was poor then. I’d gone to stay at friends, the old gang who smoked dope and drank beer, guys I hunted with, we rode off road bikes, they made whiskey in the woods.  I didn’t know that cocaine had got to them. I didn’t like cocaine.  It gave me coke jaw and made me ill. I joked with a family physician friend whop felt the same. “I get enough stimulation assisting surgery, the last thing I need is something to get me wired”.  I felt the same. I liked a glass of wine and a joint and wine.  The Irish doctors I worked with liked to drink but didn’t smoke dope. I couldn’t do both and preferred the mellow of marijuania but it made me more asocial.  

I was really poor when my friends again stole and the ex wracked up debts and I later learned was a multi millionaire and we lived off all my money but she never touch he ‘stash’ while I was wiped out just trying to get through the divorce and keep my boat but she was playing lawyer games , not showing and waiting me out, the seige game.  I couldn’t work either.  A psychiatrist with a broke heart is like a surgeon with broken fingers . I took a Hippocrates oath. I didn’t work when I might hurt someone.  I was not able to make money. I lived off my RRSP’s.  I cashed in my pension. When I finally went to welfare the lady said I couldn’t have any money  She shouted me out of the office and shamed me.  Thankfully I had years before taken out practice insurance, from my very first private practice and thereafter with the help of my private insurance broker was supported. I had not money from the Doctors union because they paid based on last year of earning and I’d been sailing.  Welfare had been the only solution but then someone suggested I contact my insurance company. I’d been staying at a friends and working for him doing construction. I clean septic systems for old people.  It was a bottom I’d later laugh. I was going to church and seeing Willie Gutowski a Christian psychiatrist and chaplain I admired.  I was clean and sober months having decided that I’d drunk after my second divorce and now with this third one I needed all my wits about me because I’d trusted friends who in their cocaine addiction stolen tens of thousands of my dollars from RRSP’s.  It was a thing they were doing at the time. Inviting people to stay with them then kicking them out and stealing all their stuff.  I was told by an associate they were glad I’d got out with my clothes.  For months after they tried to extort more money and threatened to kill me.  I actually thought these were the friends and there was the X wife and I was smoking dope and drinking and my judgment was obviously totally off. I couldn’t afford to drink. I went back to church where I’d felt safe and my mother and father had taken me.  

I was finally able to face the anal pain and shame and unhealed tear and hemorrhoids and had surgery. the pain was excruciating and I was up all night and didn’t take anything . I had God and I could suicidal but I wasn’t going to . I was going through the pain with God and I was admitted to hospital and was in pain and couldn’t shit because of the pain and had the worst medical care I could have known.  Third world.  Not even sits bath,  The psychiatrist may as well have been a psychologists and the nurses counsellor because they just gave me meds that worsened the constipation and worsened the pain but I wasn’t a Christian and this was shame and pain and I had a gay man in the bed beside me and the psychiatrist like the one I was seeing was saying I could drink again and didn’t need to abstain

I had gone back to church and was seeing Willie and was approached by Doug who introduced me to Willie.  I hadn’t been drinking or smoking dope months by then and was glad to know these two but I literally felt safest with Jesus and at church.  I only trusted my Christian lawyer and she got back my boat leaving many many millions for an old steel hull I’d lived on and worked on and wanted to sail across an ocean on because that was the goal before she went insane. Of course when you are insane you think everyone else is insane.  

I was living on carrots then and couldn’t afford meat, back to life as a student when I saved and scrounged but didn’t feel poor, I enjoyed most the invitations out for dinner with friends. I loved the home cooking of women.  I was very poor and didn’t know what I would do.  It was only the ex trying to sell my boat having taken it across border and broken international laws to get it to where she was selling it to a friend out of spite along with all the other things she was doing to hurt me when I’d never wanted to hurt her but did everything I could to help her pass her exams to work and live but I did’t want her doing drugs. I was shocked when I told her psycvhiatrist all I wanted was for her to not do cocaine and drink and drug and go to AA. He said ‘women don’t go to AA’.  I was late to have him be chosen as the speaker at a recovery conference I attended where he was thought the authority on addiction.  So many atheists were jumping on the ship that was floated by the spiritual.  The abstinent had money and the whole community and even religious communities hustled the recovered but said no to ‘spirituality’.  So often people would say I’d not go to AA because of the ‘god stuff’.  Yet they wouldn’t acknowledge that addiction was their religious and the religions like Catholicism wouldn’t have AA because it wasn’t god enough or their god.  The only requirement for AA was a ‘desire not to drink’ and it was suggested in the steps that a person would find a ‘god of their understanding’ that wasn’t booze or themselves. Alcoholics were described as egomaniacs with inferiority complexes.  

I was studying theology and spirituality at UBC attending Vancouver School of Theology and Regent College, and I returned to my private practice and lived on my boat and continued to see Willie, Bernie, and Ray. I ‘d gone to Homewood when I was over 6 months sober and glad for the time there with Graham Cunningham and the psychiatrists.  I was astonished that the addiction,called cancer of the brain, was so pervasive. I d married women who drank and drugged and that was as much an attraction as their obvious beauty and genius. I even took the job at UBC over Stanford because my boss to be suggested we go for a drink to celebrate. That was his test and my department at the time was full of people who liked to drink. Ironically I sat in a meeting for months with the former head when we were both sober.  I laughed when he said to me ‘if you can’t do the time don’t do the crime’ and we were both sentence to a life of sobriety. I was digging myself out of the hole and having a spiritual life and whereas all my previous friends and women I knew drank now none did.  I actually had colleagues now who were clean and sober, When I drank and smoked dope I thought everyone did but we were the minority.  I was back to meditating and praying and loving the natural highs of hiking and sailing and cycling.  

I wasn’t poor in those days but each year after a divorce and quitting drinking I’d experienced a financial ‘bottom’. Now I’m relatively rich again and old but that feeling of poverty worrying about food or rent and getting calls from the debt collecting wanting all the money my ex wife had taken still haunted me.  Fear of financial insecurity will leave us and it’s a promise and I’ve always had money I needed. I’ve had my ‘daily bravado’ of the Lord’s prayer’.  I’ll always thank Willie for telling me that Jesus said over and over again ‘do not be afraid’. I loved discussing Christianity with my friend George when he was listening to Ekart Tolle’s power of now I’d read.  We both were aware of “one day at a time’ and Brother Lawerence living in the present yet it was hard to practice this,  Living in the past we carried resentments and living in the future we had fear. The aim was to be present. Ironically I’d read Richard Alpert , Baba Ram Dass’ book Be here Now when I’d dropped acid as a hippie. Now years later I sat with 30 psychiatrists laughing and discussing which spiritual text we’d read under the influence of which drug or alcohol. I’ll never forget Hugh sharing how he always read the Bible when he was drunk on scotch.  What a crew,  I laugh so much these days.

I’m aware now when I’m not present and can do spot checks and don’t dwell on the past,  I’m under a lot of stress with this driving for days and the fatigue and rain and night. I’m aware I’m getting old but I’m getting there. Travelling ,even crossing bridges is unsettling. I’ve coming this way again. I just passed SAN Francisco where I lived in Marin Country in the late 80’s but I’d first come to San Francisco in the early 70s and been dancing in the street after attending the strawberry mountain peace and love festival in Colorado with my friend Kirk who met his guru then and left for India. I was with the most beautiful girl in the world dancing in the streets of San Francisco listening to the song ‘if in you re going to San Francisco he sure to wear some flowers in your hair’.  That had begun with the summer of love and was still going.   We were there dancing in the streets  and she wrote ‘love’ in her red lipstick on my forehead.  Decades later I’d write Love in white paint on my navy blue Baja Bug pissing off my yuppie girlfriend Suzanne who didn’t like me or the whole hippie era. I was the ‘doctor’ and should act like one,  All my life even when I was a doctor, doctors doctor, I was told I should act like a doctor.I’d been an actor and dancer and I was a doctor. I also got kicked out of high school for reciting a poem I’d written “hey man what a fuck u-‘.  Decades later I’;d be told ‘saying the work ‘fuck ‘ was un professional.  Not once did anyone check if I had Tourette’s either.  I really could related to Dr. House especially when I found his character had addiction.

I’m now so full of gratitude on a day like this looking at the sun and green grass and incredible blue sky and blue ocean,  I’ve got this crazy mutt Madigan (Gaelic for small dog) beside me and our job to day is just to drive 4 hours or so to Luis Obispo .  I love these west coast ports since I sailed into them or by them a couple of tines when I sailed south to Mexico or when I sailed to San Francisco before sailing solo in winter to Hawaii.  It’s a new day.  

God is good all of the time. All shall be well. All Shall Be Well. All manner of things shall me well,  I am struggling with comparison and envy and self pity but know these enemies of joy. I’m laughing thinking of the times when I didn’t have food or whatever and was really poor and lost but today I still have those feelings at times but by comparison today I’m rich. Maybe not in years of life. Maybe that’s what I’m grieving the life I lost and wasted though I don’t believe any life is wasted.  I just wish I’d been less afraid, kinder, more loving a better husband, sober longer. It’s 26 years and some now but I often think if I’d stopped drinking five years earlier things would have been different but the fact is what occurs is the best option. If I’d stopped drinking five years earlier, stayed in surgery, chosen a different wife I could have been hit by a car and died.  Life is the best option of the choices as the time, consciously and unconsciously.  My friend told me that when he flew his spitfire in the Battle of Britain alcohol saved his life because it stopped the shaking and gave m him courage to get back in the plane and face almost certain death, what Light foot once called ‘his liquid courage’.  Maybe being shot at, being in a plane crash being taken hostage and all those near death experiences raised the anxiety level and left me with trauma in the body that never forgets.  It was just that life happened, it unfolds as it should. The Bugghist doctor I trained with who taught me his Merton wisdom said ‘no praise, no blame, no regrets.’

And the great Tai Chi master asked what enlghtenement was ‘I shit when I’m shitting’.   When I rode my motorcycle 4000 km to Sturgies I knew when ever my mind wasn’t on the road I was dying not living.  Focus.  I’m doing ‘meditation in motion ‘ now especially with 10 lanes of highway going 100 km an hour.  

Time to get going.  I want to walk him a bit before we saddle up.  

thank you Jesus  

I thought this was an old guy 

South to the Sun, Day 4 ,evening, Half Moon Bay, California

I’m here in Francis’s Beach Campground, Half Moon Bay south of SF and 400 miles north of Long Beach. It was an unremarkable long haul down I had to stop twice because I was zoning out.  The countryside was spectacular, forest and mountains.  Redwood Highway and Highway of the Giants.  Some Kich big foot site and a few other Disney kind of places .I expect the kids like it. I saw a herd of deer and think they were domestic.

I stopped at an outdoor 101 best burger drive in at Willits. It advertises local sourced beef and it really was a quantum leap better than fast food. Madigan devoured his burger paddy and wanted mine. He loved the real banana milk shake too.  

In Coverdale I picked up at coffee at Macdonald’s.  I stopped before SF spacey and ate a box of chocolate to stay a wake. It worked.  I had fond memories going through Marin county past where I lived in SAN Rafael years ago.  I didn’t take the Golden Gate Bridge but the Richmond 580 following my guide and knowing that the last time I went through the heart of SF with the motorcycle and Camper last year it had been tight on the little streets.

The 10 lanes of freeway driving at 100 km going across the Richmond Bridge to downtown Oakland takes a lot of concentration.  Glad to begin looking for an RV place before dark tonight.  What a great find here. I was able to search campsites and RV parks close to me on a vista stop and this was 7 miles away.  I got the last site.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll try to book the upcoming sites in SAN Louis Obispo and Long Beach.  I’ve done well with finding places and have enjoyed the freedom.  

I’m wearing down with the driving.  Soon I’ll be able to stay for a while in one place. If there’s room in LA Long Beach I’ll book for a week or two before going back to Yuma.  I’m still thinking of Rosario.  This place on Half Moon Bay is heaven.  $50 with electricity.  Electricity is all I need for the  Starlink and space heater.  I filled up the water and emptied the black and grey water tanks at the Eureka RV resort so I’m flush. It bothers me that the exchange rate for money is what it is.  I will pay more in LA. Location, location, location.  

The weather was sunny today and I stood waiting for my burger in Willit enjoying the heat of the sun.  Here in Half Moon Bay its even and windbreaker weather. Just glad it’s not raining.  Tomorrow I’ll be in the warm. We find half way between SF and LA it really becomes wonderful. I certainly appreciated that it wasn’t raining all day today, just a little fog and a few light short showers.  I’m here for the weather and God is giving me what I seek. Thank you God!

Another great day travelling and getting closer to the destinations with enjoyment along the way.

Madigan is such a good companion,  It’s also good to check in with Laura and family. I can feel a bit lonely.  

South to Sun, Eureka, Day 4, 6 am

I’m here in Eureka.  The last time I came into Eureka I was driving my Volkswagen Baha Bug, called Pendergast. It has been resurrected from a farmer’s field and used as an ambulance at the Winnipeg Folk Festival. I was fleeing a divorce and yuppie dom.  I had to use up the Thai stick before crossing the border.  I’d sold my Mustang for funds and bought the Bug for $500 and paid $500 for blue paint job and minimum to make it street legal. A trucker had hit a deer right before me at night.  We hit the carcass and were airborne.  I didn’t know at the time the axle was bent.  My young Mennonite artist friend who’d shared the driving to there departed for Eureka California.  His wanting to go there was the first I heard of the town and liked the name. 

I pulled into a coffee shop into this town wth the name Love something. .  I parked Pendergast and both front tires fell off and the car dropped to the pavement, exhausted .. I’d learn later that the lug nuts had been sheared.  The mechanic I met towed me to his shop and regaled me about the love of his life he’d met in a whorehouse. Make the best wives, he said.  Pendergast was reborn that day and I headed onto San Francisco to be with Suzanne. I was playing guitar and singing Dylan’s Don’t think twice, and Cohen’s Suzanne.  It was a hell of a ride.

Since then Ive passed through Eureka several times always meaning to stop and stay. Humboldt County folk are really fine.  My Marin friend, Suzanne’s brother said Humboldt was where they grew the best marijuana.  We’d canoed there with him and his wife when my marriage was shiny and new, a well polished thing before the rust set in.

Now I’m alone with a dog.  I already miss my friends.  These expedition adventures can be lonely. I left the Alder Dune Campground yesterday , pleased I’d used my new Honda 3200i generator. It had been a cosy night in a fine off road campground, no amenities, just the grand outdoors.  It poured all night.  I was glad for the generator and electric heater. I could save on propane.  I was up at 5 am then too.  Just like today.  It was hard finding my way out of the camp in the utter darkness. I had to get out several times with a flashlight to ensure I was on the trail.  Back on the 101 it wasn’t long before I made Florence. I’d just been reading about the Medici and Michelangelo and Da Vinci.  I was glad to fill up a propane tank at a gas station beside a Macdonald’s. Madigan liked his sausage paddi and I liked the refill of coffee the sausage egger and bun and greasy hash browns. Part of the trip is the road food.  

In Coose Bay I went on line and enjoyed a meeting.  Colleagues and friends.  I don’t feel entirely safe but am present.  I’m amazed with one of my mentors.  Like so many he’s more than 5 years older than me, some are 10 years older.  So many are retired or semi retired.  I enjoyed another fellow sharing how he didn’t explode when a teller ignored his crutches and asked him to get another box since she couldn’t read the price.  He said how he’d have exploded years ago.  I shared how I mellowed too being patient while waiting for all the paper work and regulation related to getting a new phone to replace the one I’d dropped.  I expressed appreciation and gratitude for the progress. The topic was integrity.  Outside and inside. I’ve felt I had been well trained in morality and ethics in my Baptist faith and my friends said ‘get off the cross we can use the wood’.  Well it’s’ better I’m still working on Arendt and the Nuremberg scenario and the Serenity Prayer.  My iPad died then.  I had been distracted by the ambivalent invitation to share, “if you want to share’ and a person leaving for another commitment and then this iPad death. I’ve carried a resentment about a fellow who plays it safe and doesn’t share but interrogated me once such that I had to stop him and recognierd he was just relatively new in sobriety and struggling with judgement the issue issue I struggle with  these days. Judgment and comparison,

I’d wanted to say that I’m feeling good and glad to have learned that the resentment I carried and dealt with were more often these days about people who were dead. I had the thought earlier that detectives say it’s likely a crime of passion when they find multiple gunshots or stabs to the body’.  i expected I’d desecrate graves.  Something about the Irish Scottish heritage.  I thought it was funny and progress. But the iPad died and I being paranoid thought no one liked me I’d been cut off. I’d looked an there’d been 10 minutes and I’d only shared a few minutes when that happened.  A better explanation was that I’d used up the cell phone time on the iPad. I couldn’t get it to come back on.  But there I was reflecting on being rather happy and content but not able to conclude on a higher note than Arendt and Nuremberg.

The truth is that’s where I was then. I’ve been away of how poor I am which is silly but with Canadian dollar going for 65Cents to the American dollar I feel like the poor cousin. I’ve also felt that my integrity in my work cost me outrageously as the colleagues at the hospital who were mum about the unnecessary deaths that I spoke to an stopped had gone on to greater wealth and position. I left in disgust and still judge unfairly.  I didn’t have children and I didn’t play it safe.  I was frustrated at myself and concerned about my future running scenarios of past false accusations and the cost of integrity.  I felt like the Count of Monte Christi but had fore gone recvenge for Christian forgiveness.

I was driving south with my mind no longer at peace. I also couldn’t phone anyone because I didn’t have my contact list.  I was also emotionally disturbed and had a couple of near misses driving. Jesus definitely took the wheel when I almost drove into a cliff the sun in my eyes and my not seeing the road had a sharp turn.  Forgiveness is for my sake. it’s to give me peace of mind.  Before the meeting I had relative peace of mind. I wrote yesterday a fine piece on spirituality and was resting on my laurels when I felt this judgment and rejection.  

it’s also that I’m alone.  My mind is a bad neighbourhood and I shouldn’t go there alone. I’m experiencing envy .  There are these character flaws and I have hear that while I have pain others have shared their surgeries and pain and I’ve felt apart of as they’ve shared their experience, strength and hope. But I found it interesting that I didn’t know about the pain and struggle till now thought we ‘ve shared together several times in the year. I’;ve listened too.  I’ ve shared honestly about my struggles I’ve even shared my issues with gender and felt the velvet shame associated.  I shared to about the proxy wars that women have waged using authorities to punish men .  Today they have their children and it’s a challenge as I see with my effect of my dog on my life. But the single women collectively ride on the shirt tails of chivalry. I tend to self pity.  

I’ve struggled with those who say I’m number one or compete and yet I’ve been content to be number two as God is one.  I’ve spiritually struggled with thy will. Thy will be done not my will yet I’ve so often been challenged by those who seek superiority to deal with their inferiority. I shot Billy the Kid.  Today the young men kick dirt in the faces of the old men.  I wonder how long before they throw dirt on us. Jesus died in his 30’s. I was pretty good then physically but today I am struggling with integrity. In the 12 step program the least done and hardest part is the Step 4 recommendation to address resentment to people, institutions and principles.  Ive pretty much done my step 4 regarding people several times I’ve also addressed institutions such as the school, legal system, bank, college and even marriage. But principles such as integrity still come up to bite me.  I note that so many people now are becoming ‘spiritual’ after they have pensions and wealth made sometimes not so licitly .  I don’t hear of amends being made either.  I am not a beaming example. But its apparent that the Peter Principle was at play in the hierarchy.  I struggle with regrets of leaving the university and see life as that of thee ‘regular’ army and the ‘scouts’ and I’ve remained a scout.  The ‘regular armies’ are principles that I struggle with the ancient history of the Celts and Romans and later the Crusaders and Islam.  Then today there’s the identification with the aggressor that pays.

Well all this insanity was playing in my mind while the most extraordinary creations of God were flying by on either side of me. I loved the beaches of Oregon and Northern California. I loved driving by Gold Beach when I spent a week last year and loved walking each day on the beach.  I loved being on the beach where my dog Madigan who’d had his eyes removed for hereditary glaucoma had memories of our beaches and sailing. For the first time since his surgery all the while he’d been timid and afraid, here he came with me and we ran together on the beach. It was the first he’d run free in months. I’d try to get him to run with me in the park but he so feared slamming into something, Yet here I ran with glee and I was so uplifted to see that and feel his joy and be thankful.  Madigan also loved running to me and sniffing all around.  It was different. He’s been a cuddle bug the whole way down, leaning up against me and rssting his head on my leg as we drive  away the miles. 

We came upon the herd of Elk and I loved getting pictures I can be proud of. I was thankful I had my big Nikon and if I hadn’t broken my phone I might not have had it out.  Using it has taken me back to all the joys I’ve had from photography.  I’m engaging in my world.  I’m living in thee present.  I’m praying and yet I’ve had my mind awaken in funny ways. I sang Jesus Loves me and then Suzanne and other songs. I’ve listened to the radio a bit enjoying Christian music.  Since my phone had all my audiobooks I’ve not been able to listen to books on the way down.  Coming back last year I loved Louise Penny. I’ve downloaded some to audible and last night got them ready to play on the ipad.  I’m muddling along. I was pleased to pass into California.  The light seemed just a bit brighter.  The rain had stopped and the sun came out a bit

I was pleased to make Eureka and find this 4 star RV park. The campground cost $31 us , more like $45 Canadian while this place with all the amenities costs $65 American which is more like $90.  A buck is a buck . I’m grateful Thank you Jesus.

Thank you Godl

Thank you for a new day,  Guide me in my thoughts and action,  Show me the way.  Protect family and friends and be with Madigan and I as we travel south.  Today’s destination is to get through SAN Francisco.  Thank you God. 

South for Sun , Day two, evening. 46.07/124.10, Alder Dune Campground off HW 101 Oregon

It’ day 2 in the evening.  I’ve driven from Astoria to this campground along the Oregon beaches about an hour south Newport and an hour north of Coos Bay.  I stopped at the Walmart in Newport and have an AT &T red iPhone SE with excess data for US and Mexico.  I’ve not even tried to use my Hamm Radio or the Sat Phone.  I’m pleased with this phone and plan just like last year with T Mobile.  I’ll stoop at Apple most likely in LA and get things sorted out.  

I’ve just loved the great waves. It reminded me of my coming down from the Columbia River in the SV GIRI, my 39.9 ft 13 ton  steel sailboarta day ,after a hurricane went through. The fishermen advised me to wait a day saying it takes that long for the sea to settle.  I didn’t and went out in these great waves like I’ve witnessed today.  My antennae broke off at the top of the mast and threatened 4to do more damage so I climbed the mast to fasten it down. Despite being on autopilot going forward slowly the ship was rolling from side to side.  I could have reached out and touched the water on each roll. I was glad to quickly fix the problem with bungee cords.  

Coos Bay was where we put in the first time going south because the exaust separated from the engine with the vibration.  The whole for the cabin filled with smoke and was terrifying till we realized there was no fire.  We fixed the exhaust in Coos Bay and carried on. I’ve a soft spot for these harbours as a consequence.

Now I’m enjoying my camper and truck with the Vespa on the front. I’ve yet to use that. Once I’m in one place for a while I will.  This morning I was up at 530 and on the road at 700.  We stopped or Macdonalds egg sausge bun.  Madigan doesn’t like sausage like he likes burger but will eat it if I chop it into little pieces and hand feed him.

The fellow just came by to collect camping fee. $31 .I only had American $20.  First cash I’ve used.  Each day I’ve  put $100 in the tank and spent $20 on food a coffee. I’m using my supplies from the fridge and cupboards.  

It’s continued to rain though I had some dry parts in the day.  Low hanging clouds.

I phoned Laura and left my new number on her answering service .  

I had poor Starlink coverage because of obstruction, I’m right under a fir tree, and the heavy rain. I’ll have to pay taxes when I have a better connection. I downloaded a few kindle books.  I only had the Renaissance history which I am enjoying but I’m looking forward to the naval historical fiction.  I’m rather mentally exhausted at the end of the day.  Building up stamina.  A lot of concentration.  It was especially nerve racking the first couple of hours in the dark with the rain.  So much is weather.  

The two hours waiting at Walmart was an expertise in patience but well worth the effort. I worried about Madigan in the camper in the parking lot but he was okay and happy to see me happy when I returned.  Enrique took care of all the paper work and number insertion with the cell phones. What a todo.  I’d have hated to do it myself if I even could.  I agree with Elon Musk there is way too much government regulation.Part of the problem was being Canadian and trying to get a phone in the US but i had no such difficulty buying a phone in Greece. The only difficulty there was it was programmed in the language and I made some mistakes guessing at what a message meant.

Now I’m tired. Laura texted me she had steak and has gone to bed. I fried up potatoes the way my dad liked them with a shallot and smokies chopped up , all fried in butter with mustard salt and pepper and very tasty. 

Madigan had a bowl of his Tikki France wet food.  I had to get him new water. The water I’d had in the truck must be stale because he wouldn’t drink it. He’s fine with the tap water in the camper and the new Spring water.  He’s been a really good boy cuddling up beside me on the trip down.  

Thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord of All.

I really enjoyed trying out my new 3200i Honda Generator.  I powered the Starlink and charged all my devices. I had locked to the stairs but put everything way so I can get away easy in the morning. I can make stove top espresso too.  It’s a good day. Thank you. 

South to Sun, 2024, day 3 am , Alder Dune Campground, off 101 Oregon, just north of Florence

I woke at 4 am.  It’s been raining hard all night long.  It’s like sentient alien water drops are landing on the camper roof and seeking a way into the dry and warm interior. I’ve slept well despite the cacophony of heavy static sounding raindrops.  I see Madigan is still sleepy. I use the toilet and return to bed.  

I’m not able to sleep.  I’m thinking of the AT&T new phone and my old phone number and how am I going to get back on Telus so I have two phones because everyone knows to call the old phone number. It’s also the one use in 2 step verification.  But with the phone broken I can’t see that. I don’t like going back to the little phone either. My fingers are too big. Of course I can sort all this out at an Apple Store in LA.  

I also thought of the 60’s horror show, probably Twilight Zone where the sailors come upon an old ship cover in dripping fungus. They board and look about but bring the fungus back to their ship and become another floating fungus garden. The crew first noticed patches on their skin then they are slowly devoured.  It’s that rainy and wet here.

I’ve also had “worthy is the blood of the lamb” , chorus of a Christian evangelical song playing in my mind.

____________________

I remember a capsule headed to what I think today is Mars but something , perhaps a big asteroid knocked it off course and I landed on earth. I always felt strange. Mom and Dad were wonderful and lovely but I felt peculiar. When I was particularly scared as a child in bed I saw an angelic couple above my bed, spiritual mom and dad, telling me all would be well. Mom appeared then and the world restored to normal though I’d have out of body experiences when I’d visit friends and do all the other things that shaman books describe.  I certainly felt good with animals and especially loved the family dog.  We were on the same wave length.  

Later I’d think we were souls who had to learn to control our minds and impulses.  The spiritual world was instant gratification but what one thought of that became. Like my memory of the Fungus ship. I feel for Steven King and his wonderful horror stories.  He drank and the darkness no doubt was the source of his writing.  I am only now beginning to clear mind mind.  I learned from St. Paul to ‘pray unceasingly’.  I’m old now so perhaps this journey is coming to a close and another beginning. I might make it to Mars yet.  To do so I must have ‘peace of mind’.  Marijuania and Alcohol and other drugs make this near impossible.  

From an early age I sought spiritual guidance.  The church leaders were mostly about morality.  I had great advice from Dad and Mom but was so egotistical when I was a teen.  I was on a journey of discovery hoping to make sense of my physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual world.  I was raised Baptist and studied the Bible first as comic books and later as the book iteself.  I liked going through the 365 day Bible reading a bit each day though another time I just read as much as I could and completed it in about a year too. I studied it at University in English Literature.  The Bible as stories and later I’d study it as myth and eventually as a key.

‘Worthy is the blood of the lamb.”  Sacrificial messages and codes.  

The ministers talked mostly of morality and ethics and their prescriptions were like those of public health while I was searching for a personal message.  I wanted a ‘friend in Jesus’.  

The Trinity according to the Chancellor of Regent College, professor of Spiritual Christianity, described it in terms of 3 persons in one.  The mystery.  Of course there was God the father , God of Gods, Creator, omniscient omnipotent omnipotential, the very fabric of reality, the omnivores, alpha and omega, everything and nothing. I liked to say that in the Beginning there was God and he created the Heavens and the Earth. There wasn’t God and Building Blocks.  The one bccame many.  I saw the holograph and later the DNA as evidence of the At OM ness of the one , the true Home, the Self.  

This did explain the binary relationship of Buber’s I and Thou.  First I and the other then I and I and then with humility and a true appreciation of Grace, I and Thou. I struggled with friends ideas of fate and free will. When things went well they claimed responsibility but when things didn’t they blamed anything but themselves.  I however had the benefit of studying eastern religion, first though Emerson and Vivekianada and later Paramahansa Yogananda.  I enjoyed Herman Hesse and the Glass Bead Game.  So much of what I learned was the writings of authors not religious leaders per see. “I sing the Body Electric,” by Walt Whitman, the poets, and writers like Mark Twain.  Their ideas about the universe and themselves and heaven and earth.

In the Trinity the Son is Jesus or the Messiah.  He is the advocate who was God becoming God being crucified and resurrecting.  The caterpillar butterfly image. The lost and now I’m found story beyond the Hubris of the Wall Street Gods or the Graeco Roman competiont gods driven by time. They are all over the on line games. I met them first in Duke Nukim.  It was like the fool on the hill. I’m fine alone and meditating.  I’m the movie ‘a boy and his dog’.  The difficulty is the Holy Spirit.

The job the son is to obey the father.  It’s taken me most of my life to appreciate the wisdom of my earthly father and poor Jesus didn’t live long enough to get back to carpetntry. I’ve lived long enough to re visit the worlds my father introduced me too when I was a child.  I’m living his dream and my own dream.

But what of Mom.

When I told Willie, my evangelical mentor that I thought the Holy Spirit was the female he was annoyed. I realize now that in his world men are men and women and women.  His Holy Spirit is masculine i anything. But I’m of the era and age where the Borderline is the cross over.  Where as in the world of the 50’s the extrovert personality disorder were described as Narccisistic , Antisocial, Historionic and Borderline. Mostly men were described as antisocial and sent to prison while women were described as borderline and sent to the asylum. The gay and lesbian commonly were sent to the aslum. It was part of the men’s era and intent. Men were intentional or not

Kate Lister the brilliant author of Curious History of Sex said that Freud described the female as the ‘dark continent’.  It was appropriate she said because he was obvious lost and afraid of the natives.

So the Holy Spirit is this sense of connectedness which I equated with the sense I had that my mother always knew what I was doing.  Somehow there was my conscience which game me the right answer and may choice which was wrong but good.

Freud’s idea of the ‘ID” was that it was something primitive like the idea of the untamed ,dis organized, the early man free to follow urges and like an animal sensual and not controlled by a higher power or such.  Diamond in Guns, Germs and Steel makes it very clear that the primitive man was not the impulse seeking sensate of the 60’s mod scene but rather one dominated by taboos and restrictions.  To put it bluntly he wasn’t free.  Nor was he the ‘noble savage’ which is being white washed and paraded out again by none other than the ancestors who like the Nazi once did in their ‘ancestor worship’ , perhaps the oldest religion.

By contrast, Milton Erickson, father of American Psychiatry and Hypnosis said Freud was afraid of the unconscious . I’d argue that Jews and Arabs and those who are tribally connected by genital mutilation at an early age might well have good reason to fear as such. But then another might just speak to the birth trauma.  Personally I’m Caesarian Section so I didn’t want to be here and was dragged forth while others escaped the mother at an early age. I liked the umbilical cord and boom box heart sound.  This world has been tough by comparison.  Erickson said that when someone fell their unconscious righted them, indeed much of their systems of safety were on automatic , eating sleeping and all so the ID or primal unconscious was protective.  Jung described Freud in also afraid of the unknown.  He was an empire builder and a genius but needed to be in control and striving to be ‘number one’.  

Personally I’ve just been glad to be on the team.  I am thankful to be invited in and given a place by the fire.  It’s cold out there and warm in here.  I believe I was very young when I realized the challenge was beating my yesterday self not my opponent. I saw losing at chess as my mistake. I also learned in my study of martial arts from an early age, my friend Kirk and I doing Jugitsu together in the back yard after my dad taught us boxing in the basement with the boxing gloves he brought home one day.  In Zen the master is said to be the one who kills you and so doing teaches you the secret you will carry into the next life what will save you for being kllled that way again.  

Reincarnation is central to the east and west.  In the East the Jews knew it or they’d not be confused as to who was resurrecting.  Similarly for Christian’s it was Constantine the Sun worshipper who excluded reincarnation at the Council of Nevis when Christianity became the ‘STATE’ Church,  

Now I’m living ‘One Day at a Time’. So reincarnation is a daily experience. When I wake a new life begins. The past is memory and the future is yet to come.

Willie, reverend, doctor, psychiatrist, said that Jesus said over and over again ‘Be not afraid’.

When asked to sum up the scripture he said that the key was ‘Love God and Love your neighbour as yourself”. 

‘Worthy is the blood of the lamb”

___________________________________________________

It’s 630 am.  I got going yesterday at 7.  The rain and dark are still here. I was on the road about an hour before it got lighter and at 9 am we stopped at Macdonalds’ for breakfast on the run. 

Time to stow.

Thank you Jesus. 

South for Sun - Day 2, Astoria KOA

Thousands made this trip south in winter. When I sailed down this coast each time I knew I was one of relative few. The joke with sailboats and cruisers is only 1 % leave the harbour and of that 1% only go off shore.  I ‘m here at Astoria remembering fondly one time I harboured here.  The fishermen and working crews come and go but not in the numbers of tourists that take rigs on the road.  Seems to me most of the people who get an RV get out in it.  Maybe not for an extended holiday south but still there are so many rigs on the road.  

Yesterday the i5 was a full freeway.  With the major commercial haulers and the cars we were all headed south.  

I’m particularly well outfitted for mobility and safety. I’d rather my truck camper than the nightmares I experienced when I had to turn around towing an RV.  I imagine everyone else is more competent but in reality it’s just a learning curve. It would have been better if I’d had lessons early.  I don’t need them with this truck and camper but many of the problems I had backing up and turning and such could have been missed with training early.

That’s why we all love drive throughs for camping.  No backing up.  Just pull through and stop.  I don’t need one but was glad for it here last night in the dark and rain trying to find my 353 spot with a flashlight torch I’d just bought that day. 

Now I’m having the morning coffee. Great night despite the wind.  The camper was shaking at time. I woke to check Madigan and look outside.  The wind almost took the door off.  I didn’t put down the jacks so it was a bit like being at sea but no concern .  Not that I didn’t consider such fantasies as my Starlink satellite flying off through camper. I pray a lot. That blocks the constant negative scenarios that otherwise would fill my mind and steal my piece.  

I had a few near misses yesterday.   A bad driver misjudging distances and pulling into the traffic so we all had to brake quickly, another maniac changing lanes back and forth trying to hurry death.  It was terrible driving conditions, so much rain and spray as to reduce visibility.  At times it was like driving in a blizzard.  When the rain stopped it was such a change. No sun but the cloud filled sky low over head lightened up a little at times .  Despite this, despite 8-10 lanes of highways and the worst driving conditions, I only saw one accident.  An older couple with a mile fender bender in their car.  No one hurt. It’s a miracle really. All these people who are as difficult to lead as bearding carts, hurling down the freeway and no one killed.  Accidents occur but they are read.  The media following it’s if it bleeds it leads mentality would have us believe less in our fellow man than we should. I’m driving this big rig and there are working professionals and amateurs all sharing the road, young and old, barrelling along in high tech machines, proto spaceships and we’re all following the rules and staying alive . Unbelievable . Amazing. Hallelujah.  

I’m up. I’ve a coffee for the road.  I just need to put on my pants. I prayed. I will walk the dog later when there is light. I’ve let him out to pee.  

I’ve made my bed roughly. I’m washed and just finishing a yoghurt. I’ve had juice and vitamins. The coffee making it the big event.  That and taking down the Starlink .  When I finish my first coffee I’ll put on pant and stow the little that needs stowing. Then it’s outside to take down the Starlink. This Astoria KOA has turned out to be a godsend.  Certainly with the swimming pool and store and proximity to shore it’s a fabulous setting. I could stay and enjoy more but I really do like to head south.  It’s the rain and cold I’m escaping. Already it’s warmer and today will take me definitely into milder climes. I’ll make San Francisco tomorrow and it becomes balmy just south of there. 

When Macdonalds opens Madigan and I will have breakfast on the road.  I like Macdonalds for their fast food and wifi. They are my land port.  I’ll need to fill up again today and that’s a welcome break. I might even get organized to listen to audio books today. I’ve Louise Penny’s latest along with some scientific tombs but the truth is I’m looking forward to Louise Penny. I listened to a book of hers a year ago coming north.  

Thank you God for this day. Thank you for the pleasant dreams of work and colleagues.  Thank you for Madigan and this gear and this adventure expedition. Thank you for Astoria, I’ve loved stopping here driving on land and sailing into port.  Thank you for Astoria KOA. Thank you for the comfort and warm in this Adventurer Camper and the reliability of my Ford F350 Truck. 

Thank you Jesus. 

South for the Winter - day 1 - Burnaby to Astoria

I woke in the darkness at 4:30. I’d done all the final details the night before. Early in the week I’d moved all I needed to the Adcventurer Camper and Ford F350 Truck.  With Dave’s help I loaded the Vespa for the first time on the front carrier.  

Laura left early boxin day after we’ enjoyed her family Christmas dinner , ham, turkey, mashed potatoes and green beans. John was up at 4:30, normally an early riser, but not to peel potatoes. He and Caroline did a magnificent spread.  John’s brother Rob provided all manner of tasty treats like candied citrus fruit.  I had a blue berry cup cake.  Rob’s son Randy, the railway engineer was there.  Carolin John’s daughter was there.  Laura’s daughter, Shannon and the granddaughter, Erie was a delight. Along with Bandit the big dog and Madigan the little dog. An unforgettable Christmas. I was so appreciative to be invited.  No white Christmas. Just pouring rain.  

Boxing Day morning when the light came up and there was a break in the rain, Laura headed home in her Smart Car.  She has to start and work in Vancouver.  Dave met me at  Chilliwack Storage where I left my car and was driven home by Dave.

Everything was done. The Passport, the Rabies, the new Vet requirement, the work items, lap top and printer and iPads.  I stayed up late reading a Tom Clancy then a William Black western.  I was ready to go but didn’t want to drive in the dark.  

It was dark when I drove out at 7 am. I’d thought to go to Aldergrove but found out that it was closed.  Sumas was open so I drove to Abbotsford and took that crossing.  A young man with a short hair cut, good looking, dedicated.  

Where are you going?

Astoria, and on to Yuma,

Why are you headed south.

For the heat and dry.  

There were a few more questions. Not so self evident.  Then I was through.  What a relief.  I’d gone through my camper and truck a couple of times trying to make sure I’d not had any ammunition slip out of my pockets from hunting season.  I’d passed on the opened meat and veggies and fruit. Still border crossings are a challenge, with a dog, and a moveable house.  It’s not like my normal travel with a single carry on bag,  I’ll be down south for a couple of months all goes well,

The first challenge was the truck fob not working. I fiddled with it and it worked but I was fortunate to get new batter in auto place like Lordco.  I filled up the truck there, $100 American. Trudeau money is $65 cents so my cost was closer to $150 Canadian.  At least I can afford to pay fuel and groceries. So many Canadians are resorting to the food bank.  My problems are Cadillacs problems.  

I was glad to get almost to Seattle before the skies opened and the rain came down.  Even with high speed wipers it was hard to see at time.  Driving down to Seattle i had many fond memories of time with friends and motorcycle excursions.  I always think of George when I pass Le Connor.  

I was going to stop in Olympia but there was a few more hours of light so I continued on to Astoria planning on staying at the place I’d recorded in my phone.  The phone died when I took the dog for a walk at a rest stop. I think when I dropped it earlier something went wrong because it overheated. Now it’s not taking a charge and I arrived in Astoria without a clue where the RV park was,

Thank God I saw the KOA sig n and end up in this really terrific Astoria Warrenton Seaside KOA resort 1100 NW Ridge Road Hammond, Or. 97121. 503 861 2606, astoriakoa@racpack.com.  The girl at the front was so friendly and welcoming. I was delighted to see the sign and follow the signs here and it’s just perfect.  

I’ve had liverworst sandwiches with peasant bread.  I’m planning on getting out the tv and vegging.  I’m so wiped from the long drive in poor conditions. I’d stopped in a school parking lot past Tacoma to make coffee and have a nap. Madigan and I had our Macdonalds’ Egg Sausages and he actually ate the sausage. I had to break it up in little pieces and hand fed it.  He doen’st need this for the burgers.  I’d planned to have burgers in the afternoon but a bag of chips and a chocolate bar sufficed.  I liked that I could make my own coffee in the camper.  I liked to that I had my own bathroom for pee breaks.  It’s a challenge but I’ve made it to the first stop and am looking forward to getting below the rain and chill into the warm and dry.  I’ll have to stop at Apple and thanks to Apple Care they’ll have a solution tomorrow for my phone.  I just don’t know if I’ll be in a big enough town for an Apple Store for a day or two. Thankfully I have the iPad with its Cellular and wifi link. Then I’ve the satellite phone for emergencies.

I have to charge up my camera I’m glad I remembered to bring. The phone is my camera as well.. I’ve redundancy built into everyone. My sailing and survival days but today I’m looking forward to being more laid back.   It’s all pretty exciting.