Journal - Sunday - Sad Politics

I’m just a bit overwhelmed. I woke at 5. Let Madigan out for a pee.  I peed inside.  There’s was a satellite overhead.  My nephew sent me a picture of the Starlink satellite train. Pretty Impresive

I just have this episodes of overwhelming sadness.  Grief.  The chronic back pain is resentment and betrayal.  My back was first injured by a fellow gymnast , sociopath, who I was competing with. He pulled my hand off the parallel bars and I injured my thoracic spine coming down hard. He was competing with me and this was his ‘cheat’. I saw it his eyes .  The lie. The failure. The dirty pull me down drowning man. I didn’t know his storyline. I just hurt for the first time and decided to win against him regardless. My own fault. My mother wanted me to rest. But know I did the floor routine and won against him. On the Long Vault I came in third in the provincial championship. HE didn’t place. I was bad ass. And ever since I’ve been prone to this minor dislocation.  I liked Mel Gibson in the movie where he relocates his shoulder by smashing it against the wall. I relocated my back with exercises, chiropractic visits, hanging upside down.  Hyperextending with weights over my head.  Whatever.  

But I think it’s all in my head. Pain is that which you can say in no other way.  Resentment is taking poison and hoping the other guy will die.   I’ve done a step 4 . I ‘ve looked at my resentments.  Years back it seemed that was all i had.  Divorces , betrayals, and mostly authorities self serving. 

That’s why Carney offends me. So much self serving.  The whole Net Zero ponzi scam and the weather climate change gig. All these get rich quick schemes that grifters and frauds and such use.  I don’t really care much for him.  It’s that others support him. Then I feel like I’m in a set of invasion of the body snatchers.  The screaming is ringing in my ears.

It’s always a precursor to poor me. I suck on the tit of despair ‘poor me’.  Self pity.

The whole issue of politics is it’s not real/. It’s bits and pieces of journalism about gossip and rumor.  I’ve done politics like I’ve played hockey and understand the game.  Same. I did my time as presidents and vice presidents and service positions.  I personally was good and clean but it wasn’t me. I saw the minority that scammed. Get rich quick.  Hustle.  They progressed. I just worked away doing the next right thing.  

I stopped drinking over 28 years ago.  

Politics is the entertainment division of the military industrial complex.  I’m a wage slave.  I’ve worked hourly for 6o years.  I suspect I’m a bit weary at times. I look at the nursing home option in the future and it doesn’t seem too bad.  

Then I have really bad dreams of the public toilets.  There’s the one in the downtown eastside. There’s one or two in India.  There’s this guy whose building was trying to evict him and she lived with a blocked toilet.  There’s the guys who smeared at the asylum. There’s shitty experiences with dogs, kids and adults.  I am fastidus.  I like clean.  I’m concerned about cleanliness , tidiness, disease.

That’s the trouble with OCD and perfectionism.  It comes with other anal traits.  I imagine the clean sheets like the fine hotel but then I remember the little tyrants who showed up in my father’s care. I imagine myself old and unable to protect myself. I’m learning acceptance and surrender. I was mugged by 10 twenty year old men.  Robbing me and wanting to put the boots to me. I fought free and ran. I’m always escaping but some days wonder when that will go.  The will to escape or the will to live.

Surrender. 

I’m looking for the serenity lane. I’m tired of swimming upstream.  I tired of standing against communism and corruption when so many are happy shagging the goat.

I need to pray more. Spend more time on my knees. Today there’s church but I don’t feel like going. I’m wanting to lie on my couch and maybe use the vibrator on my back.  I get benefit from chiropractors and massage.  A hot shower helps.  A cold shower is even better I hear but I’m a whooooze.  I’m resisting pain. I know no pain no gain. But even exercising I stop when it hurts yet I have to go through the pain. I have to push on.  

Most days I do. It’s the weekend adn the rain and dark and cold have me. I’ve people I need to phone and yet I may just curl up in the fetal position and wait it out.

That doesn’t work. But the thought is a good sour milk tit suck.  I have to stand up and do things. When I do I’m well. I’ve a pretty good history of activity.  I’ve accomplished a lot.  There’s so much more to do.  

I’ve anxiety about the immediate future. It’s all good. A doctors apt with likelihood of an okay visit then an expedition south and inspiration and vacation.  Thinking of getting to Christmas Eve choir sessions.  I’m looking for ward to mineral hot springs.  Next month.  

Today I’ve little planned. I took out the grouse stew. I’ve two servings of rabbit stew in the freezer and a grouse and a venison roast. I’ve a week of meals I must have because I don’t think I can take wild game across the border.  Yet I’m feeling so lazy I just want to order pizza.  Next month.  

I’m enjoying reading beach books, westerns and thrillers and watching NciS and Orville. I was annoyed that there was so much drinking on Orville and concluded one of the writers was an alcoholic or there’s a wine company sponsor. It reminded me of the cigarette sales and actors in the 60’s .  Betrayal

Back Stabbing.  I’ve certainly known that. Paranoia.  Right now I figure at times people are talking negatively about me and in truth I’m not that important and people are focused on themselves.   

I talk negatively about politicians and political parties because it’s sports for intellectual. I’m shouting insults at the other team and yet I’d rather be a cheer leader saying good things about my own team. Pierre Poilevre is my conservative guy He’s pro fiscal responsibility. I liked when Harper was PM and the budget was balanced e and there as a sense that there was not so much gangsterism.  Quebec is French and the French make messes the English and Americans clean up.  WW II and Vietnam, etc.  

I have this whole group of prejudices which I don’t realize until a situation arises and out it pops., Meanwhile my French Canadian.roommate Fernand was the greatest guy, the French man I knew the best and so I should view them all through that lens rather than buy into the politic of east and west.  

I’m going to lie down and nap or read. 

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Thank you for all teh blessings. Thank you for another day. Thank you for Madigan and Laura. Thank you for Thor. Thank you for all your blessings.