Journal - Rainy Thursday - November 10, 2025

I’m grumpy.  A bit like my dog.  Any change irritates him.  He’s content to lie on his bed and unless it’s a treat, food, or walk then he’s not keen on participation.  Growls at me when I want him out of the bedroom when I’m up and going to sit and mediate.  He humps the pillows if I leave him alone in the bedroom.  I think he’s an adolescent boy dog.  

It’s raining.  That’s sufficient excuse for my pissy attitude.

I begin to say gratitude prayers.  I think it’s clever that I coined the phrase, Carney has made all Canadians debt slaves.  I’m in debt for my motorhome. I have the money. I’d have paid cash I’d have lost money to taxes.  Now I’ve savings and debt. A bit like climate change. Covering both bases. I don’t like that clever bean counters are taxing income tax and everything else I do over and over again with some stroke of the keyboard and some cronie gangster elite agreement.  

My mother liked when I was in debt.  It’s not a big debt but it’s enough.  I feel a need to go to work and be stable. My mother knew when I didn’t have anything to do when my chores were done and home work done I’d be gone on my bicycle exploring.  She worried about me off alone in unknown places. Sometimes I took the dog.  

Now it’s dark and raining and cold.  I have to walk the dog and that means coat and umbrella.  I love to live in khaki shorts tshirt and Teva sandals. I was happies sailing. I love the tropics and was so grateful to be able to live in the Mariana Islands and Mexico.,

I’ve been futurizing.  Neil used that term last night.  I’d not heard it before.  I’ve been aware that I’ve not been as present as I was a few weeks back.  I had to focus and juggle dance with the closing of the clinic.  It’s like rapids river canoeing.  A little break in the tranquility.  I’m seeing placid waters ahead.  

The power of now.  ODAAT One day at a time.  Acceptance.  All key words and phrases in the life of prayer and meditation.

Get your head in the same room as your ass is.

Be here now.

I’ve been thinking of Fountain of Youth Spa.  I loved the hotsprings and routine of walking the dog to the dog park for little dogs. I liked my daily work of patients and sitting in the sun at noon. I liked riding my Vespa down to Bombai Village on the Salton Sea and writing in my journal in the funky cafe. I liked the AA meetings.  It was an idyllic reprieve.  Church on the beach.  Madigan happy with his friends.  I’m thankful I’m going back.

I’m looking forward to Christmas in LA with Laura.  We had such a good time together in New York visitting museums and art galleries.  We’re doing the same here. The LA County, the Getty and Hollywood.  I bought her Tiffany jewelry a decade or more ago.   I’d like to walk again on Rodeo drive. It’s been years. I always associate. LA with Disneyland visits and doing my American Medical Exam.  

Futurizing.  I’m fantasizing about the future.  Not fully appreciating the present.  God is in the present. That’s why it’s called the present.  Time now is the gift of God. 

I love this motorhome. I just looked over and saw the charger for my Hamm radio.  I’m not using it.  I have a couple of iPhones , Canadian and AMerican for my work. The starkline antennae is outside the window. I have MacBook pros and iPads,  I can work from anywhere.  I’m like the camp in the book Congo.  I like the mobility.  The RV didn’t come with an engine.  This is a land barge. It can go anywhere. I liked the movie of the doctor who had his motorhome parked beside the asylum.  Right now I’m paying exorbitantly for a pad and electricity and water and sewage.  It’s the price I’d pay for a condo locally but I bring my own home on wheels.  I could be self sufficient in the woods boondocking for free.  That was the dream sailing but then the ports began increasing fees and moorage became exorbiatant too.  

That’s the future. Right now I’m working and living like middle class.  My freezer is full and I’ve water and heat and life is good. That’s why I have to focus on gratitude and having an attitude of gratitude.  I’ve got to stop fighting everything and everybody. I support the Conservatives and know that politics is the entertainment division of the military industrial complex.  I listen to Zappa.  I’ve read Walden Pond. I love serenity and daily say the serenity prayer.  But I’m still not staying in my lane and picking my fights.  I’m like my grumpy dog.  

Forgiveness.  

I ‘fight’ the climate change cult and the liberals globalism, communism and WEF on Facebook.  Why.  It’s like playing chess with pigeons.  Even if you win the pigeons are still going to kick over the pieces and shit on the board.

I need to focus my time on God.  I’ve people I care for and need to give time and resources too.  I’ve books to study and learning to do. I’m continuing to move slowly forward on the latest neuroscience txt.  Recently though I’ve just read a couple of thrillers and a western.  I’ve books to write. They’re almost complete but editting and organizing are tiring.  I feel the need for space and time or assistance. I got back to making music and need to exercise more. I’m doing okay.  It’s better than before.  

Madigan and I had the rotisserie chicken dinner last night. I love that. I did it with Gilbert and Moon on the boat once a week too. The cat was a big part of the feast. I’m still astonished how much chicken these little guys can put away. 

It’s good to be at the meeting. To sit with George and Terry and Neil.  Neil spoke of Frank dying of a heart attack in the last couple of weeks. It was just a couple4 of weeks ago I spoke to him.  He was such a fine man.  Then Adam died and they had the celebration of life.  I’m coming back. After my father, mother , aunt, brother, George and Hank, and Bernie and Scotty died I admit I didn’t want to be close to anyone.  The death of the dog and cat. Covid.  It was all too painful. Too lonely. Too shocking. Despair. John was a loss.  It’s the age and time.  My friends getting old and dying. I remained aloof.  I could handle patients dying. I was prepared. I keep so many alive,  Wrestled with God.  Channeled peace and life.  Had so many who when I’d met were told they only had months and here with me they were living years alter. I was God’s little helper.  Make me a Channel of your Peace.  The AIDS crisis, working in emergency, the nightmare, the suicide wards, the chronic care, asylums and jails.  All so much experience. I’d thought that first year in university I’d live a life and write about it.  We joke today and say to the administration the patient can die so long as the chart lives.  But that was me back then focusing on living a life solely to write great art about it. The great Canadian novel,  Now I’ve lived that life and had the adventures and the thrills and known the most gorgeous women and lovers.  I miss Manny at times and other peculiar friends, those who did me wrong, the enemies, the selfish, the acquaintances.  I wonder if colleagues I knew and lost respect for are still alive. Some have died.,  We we’re all players in the drama of life. The Tibetan Book of the Deadd says we’ll reeincarnate as a great cast and play out the roles of archetypes that Jung describes,

Emerson - if they red slayer thinks he slays or the slain thinks he slain they know not well the ways I keep and turn and toss again,

I’m going to have to take my seat and make the calls and cheerlead.  Over the top the officer calls to the men in the trenches.  Another day another dollar.  Debt slaves.  Warriors. Monty Pjthon cast. Goldie Hahn , Laugh in and Philomena Cunk.  Life’s’ absurd.  Existential angst.  Peter O Toole,  the Pink Panther,  Naked Gun. Pamela Anderson.  Life a balloon.

Thank you God for this day, Thannk you for the dog that disturbed my sleep twice last night with great barking and when I ran to the door it was a false alarm. He was probably dreaming. A dog nightmare and he woke the house.  I dreamed i was riding a sand mobile. Thank you for the dreams . Especially the dreams of meetings in the sky.  Thank you for last nights meeting.  For Marty, Tom, Manny, Rockie, Mark, Stan all the guys.  I miss them when I go south.  I have my sober Cyberdocs friends I meet same time next year at IDAA and meet each week in video meetings.  I look forward to LA meetings. Thank you for sobriety today. Thank you for the day. Thank you for this life. Thank you for all your blessings.  

Solar Flares. Remembrance Day, Kelvin installing the automatic shut off faucet, Fritz and Madigan at St. Barnabus Church, Shirin at Chatterers. Life is good. God is good.  I sent the great nephews snow shoes and they liked playing with the boxes like cats. Maizy , the newest great neice addition looked adorable in the pictures of her in her snow suit.