[Autosaved] Journal - Nightmare

They are rare these days.  Second week of witnesses the pain of lack of resources and patients betrayed by politicians.  The front lines of health care where waitlists are suffering.  The uncertainty is palpable.  I’m no better. I can’t judge. The grief is always present.  I feel the pain.  The administration has long ago escaped to the furthest reaches of the room shouting orders and opinions.  I’m here and now but the nightmares is from the past.  Parasites and opinions.  Intellectuals. Armchair critics.  I am not perfect but they demand it and then virtue signal. I’m supposed to forgiving. I’m a Christian. Forgiveness is what we preach. Despite it being 70x70 years ago.  

Now I pray and that doesn’t help me return to sleep.  I peed. I drank more water. I tossed and turned. I’m blessed to have as dog I can hold and pet knowing he’s concerned.  My crazy furry room mate.

Now I’m having the peanut butter sandwich.  It’s working. 

God grant me the serenity of acccept the thing I can not change.   

God grant me the courage to change the things I can.  

God grant me the wisdom to know the difference.

I need to be more kind , more empathic, toe overcome the compassion fatigue, to ignore the news of burn out.  Move aside and accept that so many are working through this problem.

Change to gratitude. Always gratitude. Thank you God for my dog. Thank you God that I am able to help those I can. Thank you for my teachers and experience. Thank you God for all your blessings. Thank you for so many advances .Thank you for hope and faith. Help me to be a better doctor. Help me to heal. Help me to be a channel of your peace. Help me to love more.  Help me to feel more deeply. Help me to service.

Help me to remember even the psychopaths had childhood trauma or missed the luck of the draw and didn’t get that bit of brain or the sins of the fathers and karma.  Help me to be forgiving. Help me to be less critical. Help me to see that others too are doing their best. Help me to see all those who are doing their best and the progress we make together. Help me to feel less alone. He.p me to let go of the childhood fantasy of ‘make my day’ .  Help me to do what I can as I can. Help me to stop second guessing myself and beating myself up adn comparing myself against perfection.

Remember winnicot and Good enough.  

There will always be armchair critics and wrong people who think they are right.  Listen to your conscience.  Believe.

Thank you God for my dog , for my home, for the cleanliness and order. Thank you for the skill and memories. Thank you for the new day. Let go of the past.  Thank you for this day.  Get your head in the same room as your ass.  No need for post mortems.  Yesterday is gone. It was 99^ good and what was wrong was beyond your solution. Your fears are also catastrophising and have no validity. God is good all of the time.. This too shall pass.  Life is good.  Don’t blame. You need not be ashamed.   God is a loving god. This too will pass. Better than before.

Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God.  Holy Spirit come.  Show me the way. Be thou my vision.  

Thank you