Good News, Opthalmology Clinic

Gospel means ‘good news’.  The message of Jesus was that there was life after death and we could be saved if we believed in him, God and resurrection.  If we have faith we would be saved.  The teaching of religion before that had been fairly neurotics sometimes less than enthusiastic.  The underworld was often less than appealing and not so easily escape from.  Christianity said that the bad went to hell for a long time but that they could nevertheless ascend to paradise.  Jesus opened the jails so to speak for all who wished to leave that life. Indeed some have thoughts this middle world was held itself and Jesus definitely said it didn’t have to be.  

Today we believe that God is a loving God. We believe in heaven and even heaven on earth. That the spiritual world is a matter of thought and focus and belief.  Cognitive behaviour therapy teaches ‘what we think is what we feel’.  The spiritual law of attraction says that God gives us more of what we focus on. So if we focus on loss we attract more loss but if we focus on gratitude we attract positive.

The trouble is that spirituality has the potential for even more egocentricity when the essence of acceptance and surrender and the understanding of first cause and trusting the loving God is ‘thy will be done’.  Grace.  Not works so much but grace.

I learned yesterday that my eyes were unchanged from last year and I didn’t need surgery this year. Indeed the good news was that the next appointment was recommended at a year and a half rather than 6 months.  My eyes sight was 20/25 in both eyes and I could continue to drive my motorcycle and my motorhome.  Dr. McKay was happy too.  He was reassuring and smiled.  

My joy was almost childish.  I really could relate to John Mayor’s song lyrics “i want to run through the halls of the school.’  I was hearing the song ‘celebrate’ inside and trying to talk normally like and adult with this other doctor who’d just given me a ‘get out of jail free’ card.  His smile was kind and I babbled thanks and praise and he continued on to see his next patient.  Laura had come to meet me at the Broadway Clinic, across the street from my old clinic in the Fairmont Willow location.  I was so thankful to have this beautiful friend waiting to be my eyes and drive us home.  We walked outside  and my chest was bursting and gravity didn’t seem so great.  She was smiling.  I was so thankful.

I had spoke with my friend Mac, another psychiatrist . I ‘d met him through Madeleine, the beautiful and brilliant internists who’d doctored at the Himalayan base camp given her love of hiking.  When I’d told Mack that I’d asked the opthalmomolgists who’d first examined my eyes and said that I had ‘mild cataracts’. “Will I still be able to ride my motorcycle.”  The doctor had said yes and then I’d felt this guilt that I’d not thought about whether I could see babies giggling, dogs chasing their tales, the eyes of of beautiful women in love, the snow on mountain peaks or the rippled of the sun over the breaking waves at sea.  No first i cared about motorcycling.  Mack with his grey white bearddd and laughing eyes had replied that’s exactly what happened when I had to see the doctor about cataracts.  “Will I still be able to ride my motorcycle.’  We laughed.  And yes I asked Dr. McKay will I still be able to ride my motorcycle and drive my motorhome.  Yes, he’d said. And the joy welled up in side.

It’s such joy to ride a motorcycle.  The song comes back , “I don’t want a pickle, I just want to ride on my motorcycle.!!”

A patient had called me the day before wanting to share that the false allegation made against her and her partner had been cleared by the crown.  In Canada, as it slips more to communism and collectivism the re is a rise in ‘proxy violence’.  Accusing the negibhour of any transgression is without consequences.  The State encourages witnesses.  First it was ‘hot lines’ and now it’s all out. She’d argued with her neighbour in the housing district and next day police arrived and her and her boyfriend were arrested based on ‘charges’ .  Everyone knew the accusers was a neighbourhood bully , the perpetual victim, frequent flier accusing neighbours whenever she couldn’t get her way. But the police had this matter of  due process and the charges were serious. My patient and her partner could go to jail They both hired very good lawyers and everyone said it was going to be okay.  And 11 months later the ‘crown’ closed the case because of the lack of evidence and because this woman is a ‘frequent flyer’.  

“I feel like I’ve been in jail this whole time. I’ve been so anxious and so angry. I felt so badly .  Now I feel like I’ve been let out of jail. I feel so good.  We’re off to dinner to celebrate. I just wanted to let you know and thank you for being so supportive.”

I had tremendous support too.  Not just Mac but at least a dozen other men and women I go to meetings and church with hand listened as I shyly expressed my concerns.  My friend George who loves to drive his little red Corvctte and waxes poetic about Route 66 singing refrains of Beach Boys songs as he does, had himself has cataracts surgery and said it had been okay. He could see better and his eyesight for driving was secured.  

Laura told me about her friend who said  her cataract had been removed with lazer surgery and it was like someone ‘had washed all the windows in her house≥ “. 

I was so thankful for people to share their success stories.  I was even more thankful that I was given another year and a half before I needed another exam. I truly trusted Dr. McKay and Pintwala my ophthalmologists.  The visits have assured me of their kindness of heart and competence.  I’m just glad I don’t need surgery.  I’m thankful to avoid any surgery if I can. “It’s best to avoid surgery if you can , Dr. McKay’ had said in parting.  

I liked that. In my darkest moments I saw a mad man opthalomologist starting up his chain saw and calling me into the operating room.  I’d done surgery and spent a year in a surgical residency but now was glad to work as a psychiatrist. I’m thankful I’ve been able to learn to laugh at myself and know that humor is good medicine.  

Laura drove us back to my Thor motorhome my eyes seeing the world like a fish might, kind of swirly with the dilating material.  I felt happy and the light seemed brighter and hugging Laura was the best.Feeling her hugging me back. It’s going to be okay. And then there was Madigan greeting us with his jumping about and chasing the ball and his tail and just as excited at seeing us after 3 hours of being alone as I was learning I could still ride my motorcycle. Oh to feel like a dog does. 

Thank you Lord

HALT

When I’m feeling Restless, Irritable or Discontent, I recognize the RID’s and use the Acronuym HALT to assess my situation.  

Am I hungry.  If so eat something even a candy. My blood sugar may be low.  Maybe I need a meal. Make a sandwich. Have some soup.  Stop at a diner. 

Am I angry?  Maybe address it. Resentment is taking poison and hoping the other person will die.  What is my part in it. How can I change myself.  What can I learn for the future. Can I move on.  Dealing with the physical frustration of anger is best done with aerobic exercise.  Also dance.  Tai Chi. Yoga. Meditation or prayer.  Talk to a friend, counsellor, mentor.  Move on. Do, don’t stew.

 Am I lonely? If so reach out to someone.  If I can’t actually pick up the phone, go out side. Inside alone with yourself you are with someone crazy. Misery loves company. Share.   Outside you are with birds and nature and walking among other people. You don’t have to hug a stranger.  Being with others you realize you’re not a lone but rather there’s a community a tribe you are apart of. You can even find positive people in all manner of activities outside.  If it’s a recurrent thing get a plant.  Talk to it.  Give it a name. Plants like heavy metal music.  They like attention. A goldfish is even more responsive.  I knew people who have acquired spiders or reptiles. It’s better than narcissism.   Commonly a bird, a cat or dog will fill the bill.  Then you are caring for someone other than yourself.  You might even volunteer.  Visiting the elderly in retirement centers. Visiting dog shelters.  Being a foster parent to a pet. Joining a choir. Or a club.  There are countless options to get out of yourself. You can even date, get married, have a family, raise children. The whole catastrophe, to quote Zorba.  But it’s better than being alone and lonely.  Humans are herd animals whatever intellectuals might try to tell you differently.  Get out of yourself. Or at least out of your room.  Do it.

Am I tired? Maybe all you need is a nap and you’ll fear better. So much one worries about at night is better in the morning. There’s a lot to be said about a  new day.  Consider you may just be feeling tiredness.  You’re overworked, too stressed and need a rest.  Maybe you need twelve hours of rest and have to turn off all the electronics and phone and sleep.  Rest is healing. It helps recovery. It’s a start.  Do it.

HALT has helped thousands of people over come all manner of addictions.  It’s worked for alcoholism and drug addiction.  The desire arises because it was an easy distraction in the past. It’s became a habit to have a smoke, a drink or gamble on the internet, use porn or shop. You don’t have to .  Say HALT and work through the acronym.  The more you try it the more powerful it becomes. Establishing a new positive habit is always baby steps. Start with HALT and break the knee jerk response to do what you used to do. It really doesn’t matter how long you’ve been doing whatever it was you no longer like. We can change and adapt. That was then. This is now.    Start today.  

ODAAT is the acronym for one day at a time. It was found in 12 step programs and by others that when you want to change it is best to focus on the present, on now and make the change for today. Tomorrow is yet to come. Be present. Baby steps.  Make an effort today and each day you will go a little further forward. It’s not necessarily a straight path. It’s often two steps forward one step back. But finally you will be going in the right direction. Slowly at first then it picks up and you’ll be rocketed to a new dimension as one famous fellow of chance once said.  You don’t have to take the elevator to the bottom floor. You can get off wherever and whenever  you want. Then you’re on the up elevator. Don’t look back. Keep picking yourself up and going forward.  It takes a little time but then it’s a whole lot better. You’re no longer doing the same old or going in circles or beating yourself up.  Instead you’re moving forward. You’re making the change you want becoming the person you want to be.  You’ve dropped the rock and feel lighter and free.   That’s the direction you want to go.  So do it. 

Pedophillia

It’s not that it’s unnatural.  I was just reading about Quakka’s the smiling little Australian furry creature whose mother will throw her infant at predator’s to make her escape.  So much for natural mother love. Genetics are diverse and cultures and families differ.  Torontonians homogenize and think everyone is like them.  It was easier for intellectuals like Marx to be reductionist .

The truth is we don’t know who will be pedophiles or how much it’s nature or nurture. There’s usually genetics and epigentics.  The more alcohol and drugs in a community the more sexual abuse and pedophilia.

Pedophila is sexual with a pre pubescent child.  The arrogant law makers want the definition to be child sexual abuse and then they can arbitrarily define the age of a child when biologically we’re much more exacting.  Pedophilia is sex with a prepubescent child.  For the courts child sexual abuse can be whatever. Some to increase the power and reach of the courts said ‘underage’ was under 16 while in some countries it was 11.  Pedophilia is sex with a prepubescent child. Pubescent is the phase of secondary sexual characteristic and hormone surge so genitalia hair grows, breasts, grow, penis’s grow, men shave.  Girlhood to womanhood, Boyhood to manhood.

Pedophilia is rare in civilized humans.  The role of the mother was to protect the child from all adults including her husband and his family while the role of the father was to protect his child from the mother and her family. The biological reproductive drive of the parents was to raise a child to become an adult who would reproduce like them.  Children were critical to the success of family and community because children worked. In the hunter gatherer society children ‘gathered’ untill they were old enough to hunt and fish.  In the agricultural society the children farmed. In all soceities children made soldiers or produced soldiers because numbers were essential to defence and attack.  Industrial society changed things but still family was the central power group and alliance which provided for wealth and success till this day.  

Pedophilia has been normal in some cultures.  Sparta and the man boy love.  The 8 is too late movement in North America felt that children needed to be sexualized early to naturalize sexuality.  Certainly there is evidence of from pediatric history that children were much more sexually mature in rural communities and early village life long before the Victorian era and modern often bizarre child raising ideas.  

When children are sexually abused a few will go onto sexually abuse having learned this behaviour. Most will not.  

What few seem unaware of is that pedophiles are like addicts and predators.  Often when caught they have some five hundred victims.  It is a compulsion akin to sexual addiction or other compulsive disorders like trichotillomania hair pulling or alcoholism.  

Carl Hinson - the brilliant souther US writer wrote ‘there are only two things and American congressman can’t do / Get caught in bed with a dead woman or a live boy.’   

Today pedophilia is a central feature of blackmail.  Epstein’s Island has been said to be an intelligence operation get pictures of powerful men and women under the influence of drug and alcohol in bed with children.

The Cartel Gang leaders will initiate a new member by having him kill and enemie with witnesses. Should the new man screw up the leaders have evidence on him to control him but he being new doens’t have evidence on him.

Pedophilia servcs just as well as murder as a tool of loyalty and control.

Cutting for Stone, the brilliant book by Abraham Verghese describes an African clinic where Muslim wives are two young physically to have children and their uterus’s and genitals are damaged in childbirth leaving the girl a reject because she was impregnated before her body was old enough to bear children.  Major damage and major concern.  

Pedophilia ranges from looking to touching to oral to intercourse. It’s the intercourse that seems naturally to cause the most damage.  Anal tears and lifelong physical trauma as well as pain and disability.

Pornography increases the pedophiles behaviour but doesn’t itself initiate pedophilia.  But pedophiles will share ponrnography and form these lose associations based on locality.  Like the old gay associations where these societal lepers shared a secret.  As gays are accepted in western civilized society their threat is gone but pedophiles remain an outside group.

It’s not a ‘culture’. It’s not ‘normal’.  It’s either bad or mad and honestly I think of it most as an addiction for some and part of a genetic based psychopathic behaviour for others.  

Incest includes a peculiar and particular form of pedophilia that is distinct from the garden variety sex with children form.  Dr. Judith Herman discusses Incest in her seminal book. Incest which followed her classic Trauma and Recovery.

Incest pedophilia appears most a family disorder and the pedophiliac members aren’t interested in sex with strangers.  Some consider it a loving act where the mothers are ‘training’ the daughters .  There are dildo like objects going back thousands of years years found by archeologists and anthropologists consider these were users for training purposes by women in families and women societies.  There were issues of the hymen which might only later have been considered in patriarchal societies rather than matriarchal societies.  

I don’t think there is any successful treatment for pedophilia at this time. Caught early likely there is but the pedophiles I caught or saw with hundreds of victims were such psychopaths and compulsive liars and paranoid the potential for successful treatment was limited in deed.  

The pedophiles were not made pedophiles by being celibate priests. Predator pedophiles considered anywhere children were unattended a hunting grounds.  Priesthood attracted pedophiles.  Most interesting while the media went on about ‘altar boys’ the vast majority off sexual abuse was heterosexual. Only a limited amount was pedophilia.  Mostly commonly awkward young priests were alone with awkward young adolescent girls and sex followed.It wasn’t pedophilia but young love that was not sanctioned by parents , church or courts.  Rome and Juliet.

Today pedophiles would be attracted to gaming arcades and toy sales positions.  Teachers and priests have been thoroughly ‘vetted’ so the predators are having to be creative. They’ve adapted quickly to the internet and its anonymity. The FBI have done well making phones accounts for role play games and meet up s with good success catching pedophiles with ‘traps’ which is effective when judges are better educated in biology and science. 

Just some thoughts. I don’t think incarceration helps pedophiles but I’m impressed with the electronic ankle bracelets and notifying parents when a pedophile is in the neighborhood. I don’t think they should have jobs that mix with children.  However I distinguish early onset and incest and do not do the terrible thing the courts do including ‘under age’ sex with pedophilia.  Romeo and Juliet is breaking the law.  Young love can be stopped and taught and is responsive to all manner of therapy.  Pedophilia is not.  When you’ve had a few hundred encounters maybe there’s no going back.  Certainly one old cannibal said his behaviour was because of the taste. 

Journal - November Morning

She told me how she had times of despair when she couldn’t sleep because she had fears and worries she couldn’t shake.

“But I’m always happy in the morning. When the light comes and the new day begins.”  She smiled , her enthusiasm infectious. 

My dog is that way, always .  Sometimes I wake to see him staring at me, waiting to play.

I struggle to get out of bed. The alarm with the song “Holy, holy, holy’ some days disturbs my sleep, my dreams.  Most days I have positive dreams.  I have these few places I return to, a great meeting, a conference on a Greek Island. I recognized Santorini when I saw pictures of it.  Another is I’m in the mountains at a hunting lodge.  I’m often riding trucks or quads.  The wilderness is magnificent.  I’m. sharing a lodge with other people.  It’s good when there aren’t problems with plumbing and toilets.  I like the people and the surroundings.  I’m sometimes hunting. 

I like to visit Cathedrals.  I like to pray where thousands sometimes milllions have come to worship.  I imagine myself a chord in a symphony of peace played through the ages.  I listen and feel for the music.

I pray and meditate in the morning.  Talking with God. Going into the inner place. Thy will be done.  A loving God.  Kindness.  I find these days I’m often thinking of the holy men I’ve know in my life, family and friends.  I’ve been so blessed. Mentors and teachers.  The ones who’ve passed away. Today I thought of John and George.  Our discussions of the sacred.  Our dinners and walks, or with John, it would be wheels.  

Today I have work and pray that I can be of maximum service to those I care for.  The days are busy with tasks and conversations, calls and requests and things to remember. I’m going away in 17 sleeps. I’ve a doctors appointment Friday. I’m looking forward to seeing Laura.  Madigan is always so excited.  Then it’s pack up and drive. I’m looking forward to being a truck driver/bus driver/wheeling my Class A motorhome down the highway. I think of my father doing this and find I’ve followed in his footsteps so often with camping and hunting and fishing and traveling.  I’ve trail blazed too at times.

The passage is always a challenge, I remember her saying. A tall beautiful woman with several children and a husband who was an oceonographer.  ‘We sail from work to work,” he said. “My jobs anre  always on the ocean[.  They lived in their 42 foot Swan.  A magnificent boat.  She sang at night when the guitars came out.   We all liked Jimmy Buffet those nights in the coastal harbors of Mexico.  

I’ve left the sea.  I have the picture of the SV Giri on the table. My steel hulled cutter rigged sailing ship I crossed the Pacific in winter  to Hawaii in.  I loved that I had the capability of going anywhere in the world in that blue water vessel.I’d sailed down to the coast to Mexico and up the coast to Alaska. I imagined sailing to Africa and India and sailing the Seven Seas.  But the days of anchoring off an island and enjoying explorations, a kind of idyllic time of solo sailors and relatively inexpensive travel bringing your own home as it were. 

The costs were in the ship but then the countries began to see the westerners as all ‘rich’ and even anchoring began to cost. The government saw the sailor as a tourist and increased the regulations and costs so that sometimes a whole day was needed to go through government offices and get all the stamps and approvals.  Pirates began to proliferate. When we wanted to sail to the Philippines or beyond Malaysia we heard that ships were gathering in flotillas with expensive armed escorts just to get by the terrorists.  We were also told we couldn’t defend ourselves or the countries would protect their citizens against us. well, it looked like the days when the Marines were raised.  Pirates and kidnapping and weak governments until the Marines addressed the issue of white slavers.

I was travelling down coasts at 5 knots an hour and looked to shore and saw motorhomes going along at a 100 miles an hour. I didn’t want to face risks where I’d be kidnapped and held for ransom. I became older and I’d been mugged and robbed travelling and older wanted more peace. I liked the safe adventure and driving on a highway with the yahoos on drugs and alcohol who cause so much damage on the roads were somehow less daunting that maintaining a sailing boat and engine off hostile coasts. I liked the idea if I had a problem I could just pull over.  I also have so much I want to see in North America and less desire to go where people don’t speak my language or wish to kill Christians. I am tired of being seen by others as the enemy when the enemy is their own leaders just like our enemy is our leaders too. We’re  the middle class and we are the guilds and workers  not the kings and queens and corporate leaders.  You can recognize us because we don’t have body guards and private armies. We’re tourists.  We’re friendly and we buy things and we are good for your economy.  Don’t let us be attacked

 and make it safe for us older people to visit. 

I like that the motorhome crowd have their KOA’s and Good Sam clubs. I like the security of the RV parks just as I once liked the marinas .  I know I can boon dock and do but I’ve done my time sleeping under the stars in the mountains hiking without a tent or sleeping in a pup tent I’ve carried on my back or on the back of my bike or motorcycles.  Now I’m glamping.  I like that I have this little world of all I need and I can make my own basecamp and go out from here on my Vespa or Harley.  Next year I imagine having a Marverik hybrid I can tow. For now I’m learning to drive the motorhome and am satisfied with my Vespa. I have a box which the dog rides in behind me on the back seat.  It gets us around when we leave the mother ship.  I’m looking forward to a passage if with a little trepidation.  Once I get settled it’s hard to move. I’m so quickly comfortable in my space with electricity , the city water hose and sewage hooked up and my star link antennae out.  

Driving and motion is a kind of moving meditation and a change from the deluge of calls and requests. I’ll just have to deal with my own anxiety.  I like that I’m comfortable driving in what Archie calls the ‘serenity lane’. I’ve learned to pull in behind some trucks and go with the flow.  As tempting as it is to pull ahead I’m so much more inclined to just enjoy the journey. It wouldn’t be different if I was on a train or bus.  I like the professionals and especially in those 8 lane highways in the mountains I like to join the working gang and go slow. This isn’t a race.  

Thank you God for today. Thank you for family and friends. Thank you for Madigan. Thank you for the pets and children of all I know. Thank you for their vehicles too. Thank you for our sundry recreations. Thank you for music. Thank you for dreams. Thank you for work. Thank you for today.

Journal - Monday - Low Propane

The propane truck comes on Thursday.  I just found one of the two electric heaters had been off. The propane tops up the heat and contributes to the hot water. I’ll be rationing now. The meter shows low. I can connect my propane bottle turn it upside down and empty half the little tank.  I may do that. The experience encourages me to take the barbecue propane tank along.  I’d fleetingly thought of leaving it.  

It’s 18-19 days till I leave.  Peter asked if I was counting the sleeps.  I wasn’t then but this weekend I counted the days.  

I’ve been speaking to God, the loving God of my understanding.

Mostly I call God, God, sometimes Lord, sometimes Holy Spirit, sometimes Jesus Christ.

I meditate. I pray.  Since reading ‘pray unceasingly’ in the Bible I upped my prayer life, talking to God whenever. I have rote prayers, Our father, and others.  I practice the presence. Realizing I’m not alone .I’m at peace when I am in the present.  God is with me. I am with God.  God in me God and I one.  God above me , God below me, God to the right of me, God to the left of me, God to the back of me. God to the front of me.  

I pray for protection from evil and fear. I’m adopting an attitude of gratitude. I am grateful. I thank God each day first thing for the day and for Madigan.  He’s sleep on the couch. I ask help to be of service. I have patients to see and I want to be the best doctor I can be for them.  I ask to resist temptation.

I’m looking forward to the driving.  I like my time listening to audiobooks and watching the scenery and miles go by.  

I’m seeing the ophthalmologist, Dr. McKay this Friday.  Laura will meet me and drive me home. My eyes are much better this year than last so I’m hoping I’ll just be reassured.  I’ve three weeks booked at Hollywood RV Park.  We have tickets to the LACAM and are planning to see the Getty.  I was looking into the Christmas Day and Christmas Eve service. I’ll be renting a car to pick up Laura.  My finances are improving. It’s been tight with the hunting holiday and clinic closing and transfer.

I have a meeting with another virtual doctor agency.  I wonder about a half day back up.  

I’ve been thinking of trading in my Mini Cooper for a Maverick hybrid since that can tow bedhind a car and I’d be able to carry the Vespa or Harley in the back.  The Mini doesn’t tow like the dinghy towing capacity of the little truck.  There’s work to be done on the Camper and on the boat so those are upcoming costs. I like going south with money and credit. It looks like I’ll clear my credit cards this week when I pay rent and taxes. The month in LA is paid for. I’m thinking I’ll got to Fountain of Youth from then then Sleepy Hollow Algadones.  Last years I did the Bombay Cafe on return but this year I may do it on the way out and on the way home.  

I liked Philomena Cunk when she’s asked ‘what she is doing with her life’s’ responded “I’m just trying to get to Friday’.  I’ve been enjoy Eagles music again. 

On the weekend I loaded the game Tour of Duty and began to learn to play a video game. It’s been years since I play Duke Nukem , Diablo and the duck hunting one.  I think it’s good for my mind and fine motor skills.  I did my foundation training this morning and have been swimming once a week again. I’ve not been walking the dog as much.  Exercise is so important and I’ve been too much on the couch watching tv and reading. Reading has been fun, westerns and thrillers. I read such serious material and listened to such serious audiobooks. It was fun to be enlightened with knowledge. I’m looking forward to the art galleries in LA Then there’s St. John’s Cathedral and Our Lady cathedral visits and St. Monica Beach 

Just keeping track of the schedule is a challenge at times.

I am blessed . Thank you Lord. Thank you for this day. Thank you for the family I was born into, my grandparents and mom and dad and Ron and Aunt Sally. Thank you for the friends and schools and teachers and lovers and wives and adventures. Thank you bicycles, boats and motorcycle, trucks. and motorhomes.  I made a rabbit stew on the weekend and finished the grouse paella. Thank you for the hunting and game. Help me with my plan to fish more and eat more fish.  I loved the fried fish in Mexico. Thank you for chickens Lord and barbecue.  Thank you Lord for food and clothing and vision and hearing. Thank you for Touch. Thank you for Laura coming this weekend. Thank you for my motorhome and the dawn yellows and orange coming now into the eastern sky. 

Thank you for my great nephews and nieces, the nephews and nieces in laws and sister in law and god children and their parents. Thank you for my colleagues and the administration. Thank you for the banks and commerce and all those that work and assist in the maintenance of community and structure. Thank you for Peter and Larry, Ernst and Nicolette,, Shane, Mack, Helena, Dave, Kim, and all the others I know as neighbors. Thank you for George and Marty, Neil and Mario, Jack and Tomco, Stan, and Dean, Terry, and all the other men in the men’s’ meeting. Thank you for Hugh, Mac, Jake, Sally, Dave and all the men and women in the cyber meetings.  Thank you for Mary Lou, Upta, Garry, Raven, Moninder and all the folk at the clinic. Thank you for all the patients Lord. Thank you for all the people that I meet in passing at the IGA and Choices and the Lougheeed Mall, and the Tiki Laundry, the Full Basket butcher, the London drugs, Coquitlam Apple, and Bosley’s Pets, Staples and Canadian Tire, Walmart and Costco’s. Thank you for Chatterr and Professional nails, and the little men’s clothing shop in the mall’s, Thank you for Starlink and Cellular phones and electricity and water and roads and gas stations and doctors, nurses, and hospitals and medicines.  Thank you for chiropractors and massage. Thank you for the pools and hot tub. Thank you for all your blessings. Thank you Lord.  

  

Journal - Sunday - Sad Politics

I’m just a bit overwhelmed. I woke at 5. Let Madigan out for a pee.  I peed inside.  There’s was a satellite overhead.  My nephew sent me a picture of the Starlink satellite train. Pretty Impresive

I just have this episodes of overwhelming sadness.  Grief.  The chronic back pain is resentment and betrayal.  My back was first injured by a fellow gymnast , sociopath, who I was competing with. He pulled my hand off the parallel bars and I injured my thoracic spine coming down hard. He was competing with me and this was his ‘cheat’. I saw it his eyes .  The lie. The failure. The dirty pull me down drowning man. I didn’t know his storyline. I just hurt for the first time and decided to win against him regardless. My own fault. My mother wanted me to rest. But know I did the floor routine and won against him. On the Long Vault I came in third in the provincial championship. HE didn’t place. I was bad ass. And ever since I’ve been prone to this minor dislocation.  I liked Mel Gibson in the movie where he relocates his shoulder by smashing it against the wall. I relocated my back with exercises, chiropractic visits, hanging upside down.  Hyperextending with weights over my head.  Whatever.  

But I think it’s all in my head. Pain is that which you can say in no other way.  Resentment is taking poison and hoping the other guy will die.   I’ve done a step 4 . I ‘ve looked at my resentments.  Years back it seemed that was all i had.  Divorces , betrayals, and mostly authorities self serving. 

That’s why Carney offends me. So much self serving.  The whole Net Zero ponzi scam and the weather climate change gig. All these get rich quick schemes that grifters and frauds and such use.  I don’t really care much for him.  It’s that others support him. Then I feel like I’m in a set of invasion of the body snatchers.  The screaming is ringing in my ears.

It’s always a precursor to poor me. I suck on the tit of despair ‘poor me’.  Self pity.

The whole issue of politics is it’s not real/. It’s bits and pieces of journalism about gossip and rumor.  I’ve done politics like I’ve played hockey and understand the game.  Same. I did my time as presidents and vice presidents and service positions.  I personally was good and clean but it wasn’t me. I saw the minority that scammed. Get rich quick.  Hustle.  They progressed. I just worked away doing the next right thing.  

I stopped drinking over 28 years ago.  

Politics is the entertainment division of the military industrial complex.  I’m a wage slave.  I’ve worked hourly for 6o years.  I suspect I’m a bit weary at times. I look at the nursing home option in the future and it doesn’t seem too bad.  

Then I have really bad dreams of the public toilets.  There’s the one in the downtown eastside. There’s one or two in India.  There’s this guy whose building was trying to evict him and she lived with a blocked toilet.  There’s the guys who smeared at the asylum. There’s shitty experiences with dogs, kids and adults.  I am fastidus.  I like clean.  I’m concerned about cleanliness , tidiness, disease.

That’s the trouble with OCD and perfectionism.  It comes with other anal traits.  I imagine the clean sheets like the fine hotel but then I remember the little tyrants who showed up in my father’s care. I imagine myself old and unable to protect myself. I’m learning acceptance and surrender. I was mugged by 10 twenty year old men.  Robbing me and wanting to put the boots to me. I fought free and ran. I’m always escaping but some days wonder when that will go.  The will to escape or the will to live.

Surrender. 

I’m looking for the serenity lane. I’m tired of swimming upstream.  I tired of standing against communism and corruption when so many are happy shagging the goat.

I need to pray more. Spend more time on my knees. Today there’s church but I don’t feel like going. I’m wanting to lie on my couch and maybe use the vibrator on my back.  I get benefit from chiropractors and massage.  A hot shower helps.  A cold shower is even better I hear but I’m a whooooze.  I’m resisting pain. I know no pain no gain. But even exercising I stop when it hurts yet I have to go through the pain. I have to push on.  

Most days I do. It’s the weekend adn the rain and dark and cold have me. I’ve people I need to phone and yet I may just curl up in the fetal position and wait it out.

That doesn’t work. But the thought is a good sour milk tit suck.  I have to stand up and do things. When I do I’m well. I’ve a pretty good history of activity.  I’ve accomplished a lot.  There’s so much more to do.  

I’ve anxiety about the immediate future. It’s all good. A doctors apt with likelihood of an okay visit then an expedition south and inspiration and vacation.  Thinking of getting to Christmas Eve choir sessions.  I’m looking for ward to mineral hot springs.  Next month.  

Today I’ve little planned. I took out the grouse stew. I’ve two servings of rabbit stew in the freezer and a grouse and a venison roast. I’ve a week of meals I must have because I don’t think I can take wild game across the border.  Yet I’m feeling so lazy I just want to order pizza.  Next month.  

I’m enjoying reading beach books, westerns and thrillers and watching NciS and Orville. I was annoyed that there was so much drinking on Orville and concluded one of the writers was an alcoholic or there’s a wine company sponsor. It reminded me of the cigarette sales and actors in the 60’s .  Betrayal

Back Stabbing.  I’ve certainly known that. Paranoia.  Right now I figure at times people are talking negatively about me and in truth I’m not that important and people are focused on themselves.   

I talk negatively about politicians and political parties because it’s sports for intellectual. I’m shouting insults at the other team and yet I’d rather be a cheer leader saying good things about my own team. Pierre Poilevre is my conservative guy He’s pro fiscal responsibility. I liked when Harper was PM and the budget was balanced e and there as a sense that there was not so much gangsterism.  Quebec is French and the French make messes the English and Americans clean up.  WW II and Vietnam, etc.  

I have this whole group of prejudices which I don’t realize until a situation arises and out it pops., Meanwhile my French Canadian.roommate Fernand was the greatest guy, the French man I knew the best and so I should view them all through that lens rather than buy into the politic of east and west.  

I’m going to lie down and nap or read. 

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Thank you for all teh blessings. Thank you for another day. Thank you for Madigan and Laura. Thank you for Thor. Thank you for all your blessings.  

 

Journal - Friday -Tabula Rasa

Thank God it’s as new day. Laura said it was supposed to rain all weekend.  My only tasks were to drop off laundry and make a rabbit stew.

Now I’ve already added a storage locker run.  I just finished packing up a bag of clothes and other sundry that I don’t need take south.  It’s raining now and I’ve bags packed at the door. Almost forgot the extra  lawn chair I wanted to stash at the storage locker. 

The decisions what to take and what to leave are hard.

Madigan is doing well.  I just texted Laura of my progress. I’ve kind of lost my momentum.  Next step is to get dressed and get the car load and do the errand runs. I think another coffee is in order.  After I wrote that Laura texted ‘take a wee break’.   

Patients are leaving messages so I’ll have to make some time to sit at the desk and respond today or tomorrow

Madigan hasn’t had a pe break yet but he seems content with company.  I think he’ll forgive me another coffee or I could keep on 

Thank you God for this day. Thank you God for Laura. Thank you God for Madigan. Thank you God for the great nephews and nephews. Thanks you god for Finn’s tooth.  Thank you God for Laura’s family. Thank you God for the Bustqards and god children. Thank you god for the Men’s meeting and Cyberdocs and my church family. Thank you God for Dockside Clinic. Thank you God for the folk at BCRV. Thank you God for Ernst and Nicoholian and Peter and Larry and Bella and Luke and Mack and Helena and Dave.  Thank you for all the friends and acquaintance. Thank you for people Lord. Thanks you for community and relationships.  Thank you for this Thor motorhome. Thank you for this day≥

[Autosaved] Journal - Nightmare

They are rare these days.  Second week of witnesses the pain of lack of resources and patients betrayed by politicians.  The front lines of health care where waitlists are suffering.  The uncertainty is palpable.  I’m no better. I can’t judge. The grief is always present.  I feel the pain.  The administration has long ago escaped to the furthest reaches of the room shouting orders and opinions.  I’m here and now but the nightmares is from the past.  Parasites and opinions.  Intellectuals. Armchair critics.  I am not perfect but they demand it and then virtue signal. I’m supposed to forgiving. I’m a Christian. Forgiveness is what we preach. Despite it being 70x70 years ago.  

Now I pray and that doesn’t help me return to sleep.  I peed. I drank more water. I tossed and turned. I’m blessed to have as dog I can hold and pet knowing he’s concerned.  My crazy furry room mate.

Now I’m having the peanut butter sandwich.  It’s working. 

God grant me the serenity of acccept the thing I can not change.   

God grant me the courage to change the things I can.  

God grant me the wisdom to know the difference.

I need to be more kind , more empathic, toe overcome the compassion fatigue, to ignore the news of burn out.  Move aside and accept that so many are working through this problem.

Change to gratitude. Always gratitude. Thank you God for my dog. Thank you God that I am able to help those I can. Thank you for my teachers and experience. Thank you God for all your blessings. Thank you for so many advances .Thank you for hope and faith. Help me to be a better doctor. Help me to heal. Help me to be a channel of your peace. Help me to love more.  Help me to feel more deeply. Help me to service.

Help me to remember even the psychopaths had childhood trauma or missed the luck of the draw and didn’t get that bit of brain or the sins of the fathers and karma.  Help me to be forgiving. Help me to be less critical. Help me to see that others too are doing their best. Help me to see all those who are doing their best and the progress we make together. Help me to feel less alone. He.p me to let go of the childhood fantasy of ‘make my day’ .  Help me to do what I can as I can. Help me to stop second guessing myself and beating myself up adn comparing myself against perfection.

Remember winnicot and Good enough.  

There will always be armchair critics and wrong people who think they are right.  Listen to your conscience.  Believe.

Thank you God for my dog , for my home, for the cleanliness and order. Thank you for the skill and memories. Thank you for the new day. Let go of the past.  Thank you for this day.  Get your head in the same room as your ass.  No need for post mortems.  Yesterday is gone. It was 99^ good and what was wrong was beyond your solution. Your fears are also catastrophising and have no validity. God is good all of the time.. This too shall pass.  Life is good.  Don’t blame. You need not be ashamed.   God is a loving god. This too will pass. Better than before.

Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God.  Holy Spirit come.  Show me the way. Be thou my vision.  

Thank you

Clinic Day

I woke with the alarm. Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty.  I didn’t dose. Just petted Madigan and made it to the living room where I pray and meditate.  It’s the best way to start the day.  Then coffee.  Getting up at 630 makes the morning less pressured.

I’ve even had time to pursue the mail and FB which is sadly an increasing waste of time dominated by political negativity.  

I’m addicted to the snarky criticism of the globalists and collectivists and neo communists.  I’m Conservative and if I was true to my spiritual beliefs I’d celebrate conservative positions rather than criticisze the opposition.

My Aunt Sally, my wonderful Baptist, said ‘if you’ve nothing good to say about a person then say nothing.

I read about a person gardening.  He’d grown roses for the first time.  So much better than political arguing with bots.

I have worked all my life long hours and long days in areas of high risk and dangerous conditions and always paid exorbitant taxes and dealt with scavengers and parasites.

Now that viewpoint isn’t positive. I’ve been blessed and known so many wonders and need to have an attitude of gratitude .

Thank you God for my parents and family and teachers and friends. Thank you for my parents supporting my extracurricular interests, paying for Swimming Lessons, Summer Camps, Church and YMCA, Boy Scouts, cub scouts, bicycling  baseball, hockey,volleyball, snowshoeing gymnastics, Manitoba Theatre Centre, guitar lessons. . Thank you for my mother taking us to the library each week as a child. Thank you for my dad including me in his fixing the car and housing and building. Thank you for the fishing and hunting with dad, ice fishing camping, tenting and canoeing and motor boating.

Thank you God for school and those special teachers that put such heart and soul into their classrooms. Thank you for university. Thank you for improv, theater, dance.  Thank you for choirs. Thank you for encouragement to participate. Thank you for cheerleaders.

Thank you today for chemistry. Thank you for physics. Thank you for oxygen and C02 and nitrogen. Thank you for DNA, amino acids, neurotransmitters.

Thank you for learning. Thank you for emotions. Thank you for sensations. Thank you for sex.Thank you for happiness. Thank you for joy. Thank you for the colors.

Thank you for this day. Thank you for the light. Thank you for my car and my dog and my clothes and my purpose and meaning. Thank you for our relationship. Thank you for conversations. Thank you for listening. Thank you for all the blessings.

Thank you for my motorhome. Thank you for the expeditions and adventures.

Thank you for Laura and friends. Thank you for Madigan.

Thank you Thank you Thank you.,  

Loving God

I understand God , the creator. I am not alone and there is some other who made this reality I participate in.  This is God the Father or God the Mother.  Before me.  I am in the present but there is a past I intuit or imagine. Just for today. One day at a time.  The present. 

My memories might have been programmed.  The joy of science fiction is that a multitude of possibilities are considered.  There is the Tabula Rosa or it could be i am programmed.  It could be that I programmed the whole and programmed that I didn’t know the whole

There is fate and destiny.  There is free will.

The Creator could have made this program and left. That could be the challenge of Father to learn the program.  We are preparing for death.  Denial of death was the Ernst Becker classic. 

Then there is the notion of heaven and hell.  After death and a good life or a life poorly lived .  

I imagine heaven is the participation award.

Would a loving God be all forgiving. The more grateful I am the more rewarded I am. The more I dance with joy in the present the more reward I know in the future and it death.  My father and mother grew weary of the limitations of their body and of being apart.  I death the souls united.

Now I want for little really..  I pray for my daily bread and have ‘enough’.  My father worried about money and my brother managed his affairs and was also concerned for money and acquisition. I kind of work at it steady and yet I’ve developed fears that are unwarranted.  I catastrophise and think of all manner of Steven King outcomes where I know the best is yet to come.  

I have this back pain which is the excuse I use to limit the exercise I do yet exercise is the cure for the back pain.  

A loving God will forgive my sloth and gluttony but the consequences is pain.  I’m carrying more weight each day than I need and I’m snacking more in the evening than I ‘should’.  

Love is creative.  I watered the plant this morning.  I’ve food out for Madigan. I gave him a pet .  

I prayed.  I have conversations with God. I don’t ignore him/her.  I would know you more.  Conversations and silence.  Practicing the prescience of God.  

Thank you Jesus.  Jesus Christ means God within and God will come again.  I play peek a boo with God.  I’m lost and I am found.  The treasure hunt of faith.  Israel means we who wrestle with God.  Zen and the art of archery.  

It seems dark today .  730 and the sun is up but its light isn’t bright.  Clouds. Perhaps rain.  

I looked at the forecast.  60% rain. Cloudy. 7 degree. Wind 30 gusting to 50.   I rarely look at the weather now I’m on land but it was a major deal when I was sailing.  I’ve set my ham frequency to a club net. Perhaps I’ll hear someone. I’m not sure about setting the offset and will have to learn about repeaters and communications.  I’m trying to remember my call sign It will come back to me or I’ll have it written down somewhere. It was written on the wall of my sailboat.

I have work today and many calls to make.  I appreciated Laura over on he weekend and giving my time to her and rest.  The chiropractor visit was good.  The neighbors were talking pastry and I was thinking I’d like to make banana bread again.  I’m concerned about grain and flour attracting mice but have the plastic containers now. I’m barbecuing and have venison for tonight. I must make the rabbit stew this weekend to.  But first I have to barbecue the pork chops. I took them out for us last night but they hadn’t seaweed so I ordered pizza.  I’ll have the left over for lunch and barbecue the pork chops for supper

The coffee is good.  

I’ve put out the chops and put on the coffee for another cup. There is more light out.  Madigan is sleeping on the couch

It’s not raining so I’ll walk him. It’s always good when he’s had his daily poop or two

Thank you God for this day.

 

Journal - Friday, Free Day

Laura is visitting.  Otherwise the day schedule is blank.  There’s so much to do but nothing so important that it needed to be penciled into the calendar 

Today I’m asking God what is his will for me and how may I carry that out.  I am ready to help.  I have been of service most of my life.  However though I’ve volunteered and worked for free I’ve often negotiated income and recognition for what I wanted to spiritually do.  Being a doctor is an example. I was able to follow my scientific curiosity while being of service to my fellow man. I’ve been a clinician

Now I’m continuing to work being of service to my patients who principally want me to provide medications to help with their life and illness.  I know the medication. In that I feel like a Lordco Parts guy.  I don’t think of myself self working for Pfizer or one of the pharmaceutical companies like a car salesman but rather the guy in the mall who works for the automotive industry. A person comes to the mall and I tell them which car will fit their needs and is what they are looking for.  I aim to please the ‘customer’.  In that I have customers.  Today I don’t work much different than I did as a family physician though my focus is mind, emotions, cognition, that sort of things. I’m not dealing with dermatology much.  

I left family medicine and attracted to psychiatry for many reasons but one was the idea of mind or matter and healing through relationships and talking. Today I still do ‘relationships therapy’ and ‘communication therapy’, ‘motivational therapy’ some CBT but I don’t do the psychoanalysis and Freudian Jungian analysis that i was attracted to. I loved seeing the persons’ self healing capacity awakened in that mysterious process. Now it’s still healing without the woo woo or hypnosis as that’s what I did too. I am now working at a distance through video and phone like the old northern days when I communicated with radio phone.  I see miraculous cures. I love that so many of my patients are getting sober and changing their lifestyles. I’m helping change the self talk. The depressions are improving, the anxiety are reduced, People are going back to work and school

I have these people who are isolated - the chronic self centered staying in their home safe on disability or welfare or rarely independently wealthy mostly supported by family.  It’s kind of idyllic . So many seek this, like retirement yet they maintain that they are ‘suffering’ and want to be rewarded with attention.  The reward for them was rest and now they want more rest like the king.  Serve me.  Narcisisism but it’s packaged in suffering.  The worried well. There are those who do suffer.  Then there’s the drug addicts doing the same .  All the mental masturbation.  But no self esteem.  No feeling good because a days work was done.  No feeling connected because service to another was done.  Minimalists regarding work.  All the entertainment devices.  Yet complaining. Always complaining.  And angry if the suggestion is made to change.  Change is what they say they want but is anathema because they are scared.  No doubt they are hurt.  They’re waiting to di.  I loved Freud’s idea of the ‘thanatos’ death wish. No differrnt really than being in the clutches of satan.  Like Leonard Cohen would say, new skin for an old ceremony

Yet here we are walking each other home. I’m learning kindness.  I liked Goldman’s book. Kindness.

I liked the TV series ‘house’ and surely identify with the doctor. 

I miss old friends and wives and family.  There’s loneliness with aging. I d like to ask her what she remembered of the pivotal time. I don’t know what we were arguing about any more.  I loved them all as I was able.

Yet i was moved to go west. Leaving Winnipeg. That was so important. I’m come from the East and moved on.  Sailing was so important. Hunting. Homesteading. All were important.  Learning skills as a healer and doctor were critical.  Studying shamanism.   Studying chemistry. Studying religions and spirituality.

I want to take another Oxford course on spirituality.  Perhaps in the spring.  I am reading neurochemistry but I feel going reading spirituality.

All is good. All is God.  I’m blessed to have my dog.  I love this motorhome. I would liked to be on the move.  Laura is my anchor The clinic is too. I’ve made commitments and they’re in place another year.

I’m seeing about my eyes in a week or two. I’m ready to move south.  I’m liking being a snowbird but I’m anxious about the journey.  I wonder about the sedentary folk. Four five days I’m going to be like the truckers who drive for a living.  It’s better planned .This is my fourth snowbird journey,. Once with Laura over Christmas. Down to Mexico with Gilbert I traded my Miata in for the Mini to be able to do that trip. Then with Madigan I made the trip to Yuma with the Mini.  Last year I took the truck and camper and Madigan. This year I’m going in the Thor Motorhome I have bought for this.  I live in the motorhome year round now but its joy is in its mobility. I have the Fuzion Fifth Wheel RV with lots of space and much appeal but I never learned the skills to tow such a big rig. I called tow trucks instead.  Now I’m driving this big rig with increasing confidence.  I drove my truck and camper to Ottawa and back in the spring after I returned from Southern California hot springs.

I’m really looking forward to Fountain of Youth hot spring.  My back is improving each year.  I could hardly walk the year I drove the mini down. Going to the washroom at truck stops was excruciatingly painful. Sciatica and sadness.  Now this fall I was  able to walk on uneven ground hunting and having been walking 3500 steps daily.  I’ve even been doing the Foundation Series of exercises and the chiropractor helps.  Self care for the body is important. I swam twice a week till this year. Now I’m swimming only every 2 weeks. I’d like to swim more and exercise more.  Dancing would be good.  

My health is good. I’m truly blessed. Thank you Jesus.

I have few things to do

Eye examination 

Clear out hunting and shooting material from Thor to be safe crossing border

Trip to storage lockers to leave unnecessary weight, one lawn chair.  

I would have liked to have my fire pit from the camper but I don’t know if I’ll make it to Chilliwack . I’ll be speaking to Kevin about the repairs on the Camper and hope to be fishing in the spring 

I am intent on gretting back to music. I have my hamm radio and want to return to that as well.  I love my AA connection but need to do more with my church and religion.  I’ve a visit to the clinic to fulfill some work obligations.  

I am very blessed. Thank you God for all your creation, you care and concern , the love I feel at times as your child. Thank you for the work and home.  Mental health is the ability to work, love and play.  Thank you for these abilities.  Help me know joy.  Guide me .  Holy Spirit come.  

Laura is coming to day and I’m so pleased., Thge world is even better with her presence.  Madigan is so happy. I’m content to be of service.  I’ve stocked the fridge and freezer and have meals planned.  Steak tonight.  I like barbecuing for two.  I have a bit of disorder here and hope with travelling to become more organized .That certainly was the case with sailing.  I have some stowing to do 

Thank you God for all your bounty. Thank you for air and Colour and life.

Thank you Jesus.

Journal - Rainy Thursday - November 10, 2025

I’m grumpy.  A bit like my dog.  Any change irritates him.  He’s content to lie on his bed and unless it’s a treat, food, or walk then he’s not keen on participation.  Growls at me when I want him out of the bedroom when I’m up and going to sit and mediate.  He humps the pillows if I leave him alone in the bedroom.  I think he’s an adolescent boy dog.  

It’s raining.  That’s sufficient excuse for my pissy attitude.

I begin to say gratitude prayers.  I think it’s clever that I coined the phrase, Carney has made all Canadians debt slaves.  I’m in debt for my motorhome. I have the money. I’d have paid cash I’d have lost money to taxes.  Now I’ve savings and debt. A bit like climate change. Covering both bases. I don’t like that clever bean counters are taxing income tax and everything else I do over and over again with some stroke of the keyboard and some cronie gangster elite agreement.  

My mother liked when I was in debt.  It’s not a big debt but it’s enough.  I feel a need to go to work and be stable. My mother knew when I didn’t have anything to do when my chores were done and home work done I’d be gone on my bicycle exploring.  She worried about me off alone in unknown places. Sometimes I took the dog.  

Now it’s dark and raining and cold.  I have to walk the dog and that means coat and umbrella.  I love to live in khaki shorts tshirt and Teva sandals. I was happies sailing. I love the tropics and was so grateful to be able to live in the Mariana Islands and Mexico.,

I’ve been futurizing.  Neil used that term last night.  I’d not heard it before.  I’ve been aware that I’ve not been as present as I was a few weeks back.  I had to focus and juggle dance with the closing of the clinic.  It’s like rapids river canoeing.  A little break in the tranquility.  I’m seeing placid waters ahead.  

The power of now.  ODAAT One day at a time.  Acceptance.  All key words and phrases in the life of prayer and meditation.

Get your head in the same room as your ass is.

Be here now.

I’ve been thinking of Fountain of Youth Spa.  I loved the hotsprings and routine of walking the dog to the dog park for little dogs. I liked my daily work of patients and sitting in the sun at noon. I liked riding my Vespa down to Bombai Village on the Salton Sea and writing in my journal in the funky cafe. I liked the AA meetings.  It was an idyllic reprieve.  Church on the beach.  Madigan happy with his friends.  I’m thankful I’m going back.

I’m looking forward to Christmas in LA with Laura.  We had such a good time together in New York visitting museums and art galleries.  We’re doing the same here. The LA County, the Getty and Hollywood.  I bought her Tiffany jewelry a decade or more ago.   I’d like to walk again on Rodeo drive. It’s been years. I always associate. LA with Disneyland visits and doing my American Medical Exam.  

Futurizing.  I’m fantasizing about the future.  Not fully appreciating the present.  God is in the present. That’s why it’s called the present.  Time now is the gift of God. 

I love this motorhome. I just looked over and saw the charger for my Hamm radio.  I’m not using it.  I have a couple of iPhones , Canadian and AMerican for my work. The starkline antennae is outside the window. I have MacBook pros and iPads,  I can work from anywhere.  I’m like the camp in the book Congo.  I like the mobility.  The RV didn’t come with an engine.  This is a land barge. It can go anywhere. I liked the movie of the doctor who had his motorhome parked beside the asylum.  Right now I’m paying exorbitantly for a pad and electricity and water and sewage.  It’s the price I’d pay for a condo locally but I bring my own home on wheels.  I could be self sufficient in the woods boondocking for free.  That was the dream sailing but then the ports began increasing fees and moorage became exorbiatant too.  

That’s the future. Right now I’m working and living like middle class.  My freezer is full and I’ve water and heat and life is good. That’s why I have to focus on gratitude and having an attitude of gratitude.  I’ve got to stop fighting everything and everybody. I support the Conservatives and know that politics is the entertainment division of the military industrial complex.  I listen to Zappa.  I’ve read Walden Pond. I love serenity and daily say the serenity prayer.  But I’m still not staying in my lane and picking my fights.  I’m like my grumpy dog.  

Forgiveness.  

I ‘fight’ the climate change cult and the liberals globalism, communism and WEF on Facebook.  Why.  It’s like playing chess with pigeons.  Even if you win the pigeons are still going to kick over the pieces and shit on the board.

I need to focus my time on God.  I’ve people I care for and need to give time and resources too.  I’ve books to study and learning to do. I’m continuing to move slowly forward on the latest neuroscience txt.  Recently though I’ve just read a couple of thrillers and a western.  I’ve books to write. They’re almost complete but editting and organizing are tiring.  I feel the need for space and time or assistance. I got back to making music and need to exercise more. I’m doing okay.  It’s better than before.  

Madigan and I had the rotisserie chicken dinner last night. I love that. I did it with Gilbert and Moon on the boat once a week too. The cat was a big part of the feast. I’m still astonished how much chicken these little guys can put away. 

It’s good to be at the meeting. To sit with George and Terry and Neil.  Neil spoke of Frank dying of a heart attack in the last couple of weeks. It was just a couple4 of weeks ago I spoke to him.  He was such a fine man.  Then Adam died and they had the celebration of life.  I’m coming back. After my father, mother , aunt, brother, George and Hank, and Bernie and Scotty died I admit I didn’t want to be close to anyone.  The death of the dog and cat. Covid.  It was all too painful. Too lonely. Too shocking. Despair. John was a loss.  It’s the age and time.  My friends getting old and dying. I remained aloof.  I could handle patients dying. I was prepared. I keep so many alive,  Wrestled with God.  Channeled peace and life.  Had so many who when I’d met were told they only had months and here with me they were living years alter. I was God’s little helper.  Make me a Channel of your Peace.  The AIDS crisis, working in emergency, the nightmare, the suicide wards, the chronic care, asylums and jails.  All so much experience. I’d thought that first year in university I’d live a life and write about it.  We joke today and say to the administration the patient can die so long as the chart lives.  But that was me back then focusing on living a life solely to write great art about it. The great Canadian novel,  Now I’ve lived that life and had the adventures and the thrills and known the most gorgeous women and lovers.  I miss Manny at times and other peculiar friends, those who did me wrong, the enemies, the selfish, the acquaintances.  I wonder if colleagues I knew and lost respect for are still alive. Some have died.,  We we’re all players in the drama of life. The Tibetan Book of the Deadd says we’ll reeincarnate as a great cast and play out the roles of archetypes that Jung describes,

Emerson - if they red slayer thinks he slays or the slain thinks he slain they know not well the ways I keep and turn and toss again,

I’m going to have to take my seat and make the calls and cheerlead.  Over the top the officer calls to the men in the trenches.  Another day another dollar.  Debt slaves.  Warriors. Monty Pjthon cast. Goldie Hahn , Laugh in and Philomena Cunk.  Life’s’ absurd.  Existential angst.  Peter O Toole,  the Pink Panther,  Naked Gun. Pamela Anderson.  Life a balloon.

Thank you God for this day, Thannk you for the dog that disturbed my sleep twice last night with great barking and when I ran to the door it was a false alarm. He was probably dreaming. A dog nightmare and he woke the house.  I dreamed i was riding a sand mobile. Thank you for the dreams . Especially the dreams of meetings in the sky.  Thank you for last nights meeting.  For Marty, Tom, Manny, Rockie, Mark, Stan all the guys.  I miss them when I go south.  I have my sober Cyberdocs friends I meet same time next year at IDAA and meet each week in video meetings.  I look forward to LA meetings. Thank you for sobriety today. Thank you for the day. Thank you for this life. Thank you for all your blessings.  

Solar Flares. Remembrance Day, Kelvin installing the automatic shut off faucet, Fritz and Madigan at St. Barnabus Church, Shirin at Chatterers. Life is good. God is good.  I sent the great nephews snow shoes and they liked playing with the boxes like cats. Maizy , the newest great neice addition looked adorable in the pictures of her in her snow suit. 

  

Remembrance Day

It is Nov. 11. I bought a red poppy this week.  My father was in the RCAF in WWII.  I wanted to join the Canadian ROTC program that was officer training and would pay for my medical education as well. The catch was that I’d serve a few years after I finished .I was impressed with a classmate in Medical School.  The ex wife didn’t like the military and didn’t like the idea of her husband in the military or the prospect of our having to deploy away from her mother. It was just a thought.  

I confess the Vietnam war was a major influence on my choice to be a doctor. I was an intellectual in my teens as well as spiritual.  I was studying martial arts and various religions and philosophies. I’d loved war games since a child and hunted with my father and brother.  At a young age I received my Bronze for target shooting. 

I was also a ‘hippy in my mind and loved the Beatles and the songs of the day.  Country Joe and the Fish was the best.  My friend at the time was a bright jazz guitar playing fellow who’d go on to teach math then become an IBM executive.  I’d learned Draft Dodgers Rag from him and played it in coffee shops along with Leonard Cohen’s Suzanne.  I met draft dodgers back then. We’d have discussions late at night. I wanted world peace.  I didn’t want war.

But personally I was concerned that I might get maimed or that I might like it really.  I didn’t want to be a killer but I knee I had it in me.  I had read history.  I wasn’t naive like so many I met in the peace movement.  Stilly sentimental girls who were easy and the guys who’s total interest was saying and doing whatever it took to get laid. I liked to get laid too but i was a poet and a wrote poems about war.  I was afraid that the Vietnam War would expand. 

I’d grown up in the Kennedy Missile Crisis and we really thoujght there was a possibility of both nuclear war and Russians invading across the pole.  We did drills as children hiding agains the walls in school. Dad had built a reinforced room in the basement for a ‘bomb shelter’.  The city would tax it if it had a door so Dad never put a door on it. It served as mom’s preservative room.  She canned every fall.  

Dad’s gun case upstairs held his 3030 lever rifle, the pump action shot gun and the 22 rifles. I imagined if there’s as a war Dad would take the rifle, my older brother the shot gun and I’d have the 22 rifles to defend our mom.  If we were bombed we’d wait together in the windowless room in the cellar with all the preserves.

I asked Dad about what we’d do after the nuclear bombs and radiation. What would we eat. I remember him looking scared and saying he didn’t know, ‘canned goods I guess’.  

On Remembrance Day we’d read In Flander’s Field in school. It was a very solemn time.  So many of our parents had fought in WWII or the Korean War.  The Communists of the USSR and China wanted to kill us.  We all knew immigrants who’d fled from Communist countries and described the corruption and brutality torture and jails.  Years later I’d read Solzhenitsyn.  

I’m glad I became a doctor.  Saving lives was an easy decision.  I once did a workshop on Urban Combat Meeicine.  I eventually had medical friends who’d served in the military. I admired them. They were down to earth.  They weren’t flakey like some of my friends.  Too many of the women were silly but here and there I’d need women who’d served in the military and they weren’t. They were down to earth.  I studied suffering at Regents College with a woman who’d been a combat nurse all her life.  Conversations with her about Christianity never had any of the cowardice so common in the places where girls talk tough but the guys protect them and they use men as proxy weapons.  Too few around me understood Jung and the Shadow. They were despite being adults developmentally at the stage where they were good and bad was the other.  I liked learning that Job was the least taught book in the Bible.  

As a psychiatrist I studied ethics and bio ethics.  I’d learned morality in my home but also believed there was an innate morality.  

The oldest law of the world was the Chinese Law of the Fish, There are big fish and little fish. The little fish must be fast and numerous.  

I knew the peace movement was infiltrated by the enemy when the discussions were usurped by ‘unilateral disarmament’ folk.  I liked that Chruchill said that ‘if you weren’t a socialist at 20 you had no heart but if you weren’t a capitalist at 40 you had no brains. :”. Being in charge of the dangerously insane ward in the asylum and the dangerously insane ward in the jails made me almost loathe the silly girls and boys who Lenin called ‘useful idiots’.  I liked studying Dr. Hare, the foremost researcher on psychopathy.  In the Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai and Raiders across the 8th Dimension, a character is asked what is a psychopath. The answer came ‘someone who would just as soon kill you as play golf with you.”  Looking back at some of the folk I rode motorcycles with I know they’d be called ‘sociopaths’.  My dad would describe them as ‘hard hearted’.  Scarred hearts.  Not psychopaths.  They are reptilian and miss a bit of the brain associated with empathy.  In Goldman’s book on Kindness he quotes fMRI studies comparing normal people and psychopaths.  Normal people’s brains light up in a particular way when they see their own toe being hit with a hammer and when an other persons toe is hit with a hammer,  By contrast the psychopath’s brain is the same as the normals when they see their toe hit with a hammer but when they seen another person’s toe hit with a hammer the pleasure centre , a different part of the brain, lights up.  Psychopaths are inherently sadistic.  

Idealists and intellectuals don’t grasp this.  On Killing by psychologist Lt Colonel Dr. Grossman writes how moderns methods of training can override the natural tendency of most people to be compassionate. certainly working with drug addicts especially those with the tombstone eyes, you can see they will do whatever they’re told to get ‘more’.  Our society has promoted narcissism and regression.  

I’m thankful that the soldiers risked all to stop the invasion of the Nazi and later the Communists.  I loved going with my dad to the Canadian war museums. My dad was the bravest man I knew but he mot admired his childhood friend Billy who did several tours as the rear gunner in a bomber flying over Germany.  

One of the greatest honors and privileges I had was working as a physician and psychiatrist consultant with Veterans Affairs.  I got to hear stories from men and a very few women that would be censored by governments.  The heroism and stoicism I learned of was so incredible it’s was beyond human.  I am humbled by the soldiers.  

I would like to take people to meet the real psychopaths I had met , the Hannibal the Cannibal sorts that every prison guard knows but that somehow the college and university professors protector in their bunker minds simply refuse to know. Like so many women especially those who repeatedly have abortions as birth control they don’t acknowledge their own shadow and don’t see the psychopaths truly.  I like tthe veterans.  They are ‘real’ and don’t live their fantasy worlds. 

So Remembrance Day I really appreciate that today I can be silly and live in a safe and frilly world protected by the service and sacrifices of the military now and before.  

Thank you.  Thank you for your service.  

Human Rights

Human rights began as the right to life and liberty.

The Universal Declaration of Human Rights came out of the United Nations in 1948.

It’s an interesting document that begins with saying that everyone is born free and equal in dignity and rights. 

This is not consistent with ‘karma’, reincarnation’ or the biblical notion of the sins of the fathers being passed onto their children.  

I find it interesting that the United Nations has a set of rules and regulations that no longer may apply.  Dignity is an idea but how many understand what it means.  The Declaration suggest we should get along like a ‘brotherhood’ but seems to have missed the story of Cain and Abel. Besides ‘sisterhoods’ today seems different that ‘brotherhoods’.  

I read this declaration and frankly it’s like reading the insert on a new tech product with a lot of lawyer make work. Meanwhile there’s one group sloganeering with this stuff and another making it so dense so only a few can find the loop holes.

The oldest law is the Chinese Law of the Fish .  There are big fish and little fish and the little fish must be fast and numerous.  

I looked into this because COP30 is on in Brazil.  COP refers to Conference of Parties associated with the 200 or so countries that signed the original UN Climate agreement in 1992.  

Social justice

This is one of those popular words today. I know what social means . And Justice, is a bit more complex. 

In general being just is being fair or impartial.  In a quick perusal of the literature I came across the idea of four concepts of justice and found it information

1. Distributive - determine who gets what

2. Proecedural - determining how this is done, how fairly people are treated.

3. Retributive - this is based on punishment models got dealing with “wrong doing.

4..Restorative - this tries to restore relationships to ‘rightness’

Key principles add equality and fairness to the above. 

The first principle of justice is apparently equal and maximal feasible liberty for all.

Now I don’t know this field but know that every word uttered in the realm of law like theology and philosophy has a library devoted to it and immense controversy.  I’m dependent here on a ‘google search’ 

When I searched Social Justice definition I got an AI overview that said

“Social justice is the concept of fair and equitable distribution of resources, opportunities, and rights within a society for all its members.  It’s is grounded in the principles of equality and solidarity, aiming for a society where everyone has accesss to what they need to succeed regardless of background, and where human rights are protected and respective for all. This includes addressing systemic inequalities based on factors like race, gender, age, ability or economic status.” 

Now I’m concerned already with

A) who distributes what. There is a vast distinction in this between DEI and Meritocracy , between government socialism, which Stalin called ‘communism lite’ and capitalism or free enterprise. There is a difference between indiviualist, family, community and collectivist models.  

Mostly it’s idealistic and overlooks history and human nature and fundamental deception.  The Trojan Horse , the Taquiuya, the carrot and stick are all considerations .

In my first course in political science as a ‘young person’ the professor put up three excerpts and asked the class to vote on them.  We later found one was from Das Kapital , the communist manifesto, the next from Mein Kamf , the Nazi creed and finally the last one was from the Us Bill of Rights Or Gettysburg Address. I don’t remember which but I do remember that the majority of students, myself included thought communism and nazism sounded good.  There has been hundreds of millions of deaths associated with both and Nazisim , national socialism versus communism, international socialism have always failed and lead to dictatorship and committee dictatorship.  

B) What are ‘opportunities’ and ‘rights’. Are we even agreed on that.  I remember thee story of Alexander asking they greatest philosopher of the day what he wanted and the philosopher said to Alexander, the greatest leader of all time then, ‘move out of the sun.’ There is obviously metaphor in the reply but just as importantly this poor man was telling the great man not to block the sun rays.  In cities there are laws against ‘blocking views’ today’s.  How high you can build where and what you can build. A view affects housing price.

There’s a whole issue of money and currency too.  The gold standard is different form many different earlier standards which included cows.

Unpacking this definition would be a major issue.  I jumped at the word ‘solidarity’.  My goodness. That’s not something I expected but it’s very popular I believe to the leftist and activist and mobs and gangs and the question arrises about this word and democracy.  Democracy is a virtue signalling pretty word but it only has value when it’s couple with anonymity and closed ballots.  When it was just a raise of hand it was open to ‘retributive justice’ from the big boss or the gang or sore losers.  We are seeing ‘tribal’ ‘block’ voting in the west again with the Muslims hiring the mayors as once unions functioned in that ‘tribal’ way.  A kind or reverse racism is going on.  But this is in practice not ‘ideally’. Some say you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette and the whole concept of what a ‘few’ means when governments are making decisions that affect millions or billions.  

I rather enjoyed Thomas Sowell suggested social justice is what used to be associated with the sin of envy.  His latest book is called Social Justice Fallacies. 

I love the Oxford Dictionary which says that the earliest use of the term is the 1820’s.  Today’s terms is different and tied to other ideas like ‘diversity’.  Then the term ‘privilege’ comes up but it’s in these political group constructs. Obviously there are immense differences between individuals and indeed the differences within a  groups are considered greater than the differences between groups.  

Equity is another catch word.  The trouble is that people talk about equality of outcomes versus equality of opportunity.  

Rawls is quoted by some as the political philosopher of today but when I read his book I found him to be simply a neo Marxist and Marx is not only outdated but painfully so. 

I really can’t even say yet if ‘social justice’ is a good thing.  I suspect reading Thomas Sowell’s book Social Justice Falacies will answer that.  

Journal - Friday

I took Madigan’s cone off and he seems more relaxed.  I’m pleased.  I was tired of being poked by it. I think his girlfriend Bella will be relieved,  She certainly didn’t appreciate his attempt to sniff her with his cone on. 

today’s’ daily reflection isl

“Praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out” 

- from AA 12 steps and 12 traditions, 

When I let go and let God I think more clearly and wisely.  

I remember I had this slogan in red above my berth in my sail boat.  It was comforting when darkness came on and the seas were fought. I surrendered to God’s care.  

Today I have a relatively free day.  No appointments booked . The weekend is much that way. I have a meeting or two and church and my hair to be done. I have to arrange for Madigan to have his sutures out.  It’s 7 days and the recommendation was 7 to 10.  I have laundry to pick up. 

Bible Verse Psalm 118:13

“You aggressively attacked me and knocked me down . But the Lord helped me.”

Certainly. I have found solace in turning to God in all the trials that have come my way.

Self Realization quote of the day

Simplicity

- God has proven when he is with me all the time”necessities of life” become unnecessary. In that consciousness you become more healthy than the average person, more Joyous, more bountiful in every way. Don’t seek little things , they will divert you from God. Start your experiment today. Make life simple and you will be a King”. Yogananada

Neuroscience

 Classsic Neurotransmitters

- Amino acids - Glutamate. Excitatory, made in brain, glial cells assist - too much damages cells

                           GABA is major inhibitory transmitter  - too little leads to seizure

                           Glycine inhibitory 

Monomines - 2 classes = catecholamines - DA,NE and epinephrine

                                          Indoleamines - serotonin, melatonin 

Degradation - reuptake pump or transporter

- monoamine oxidases 

MAOI - inhibit decrease so increase

Catecholamine (NE DA epinephrine) begin as essential amino acid Tyrosine.  L Dopa and Parkinson’s - book by Sacks ‘awakeningss’

Dopamine

- substantia nigra in the ventral mid brain has primary projections to the caudate and putamen (called striatum)  - nigrastratum system - as part of basal ganglia integral to voluntary movement

 

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To do list

- border crossing with dog

- Kelvin of Travco is doing the auto shut off for the bathroom sink.  I wonder about asking him to shorten the discharge hose, install a real coat hook at front door, and solve the propane water heater restart

- transfer money from Scotiabank to TD visa 

-swim

- open glove box on Vespa

-storage locker runs - ensure no guns or ammo 

- take electric piano? Celtic drum?

Thank you God for this new day .  ODAAT.  Thank you God for my body and what aches and pains I have are tolerable. Thank you for my sight and hearing though diminished. Thank you for my dexterity and mobility. Thank you for my capacity to walk my dog.  

Thank you for my dog.

Thank you for Laura.  Thank you for my sister in law and nephews and great nephews. Thank you for the god children,. Thank you for my men’s group and for my church. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for the Clinic, staff, colleagues and patients and the capacity to be of service. Thank you for my work

Thank you for the rain and sun and sea breeze, the seagulls, the sky and thee crows, and the little dogs and cats and rabbits. Thank you for the hedges and trees. Thank you for the colors. Thank you for my awareness and increasing sensitivity.  Thank you for sexuality .  Thank you for intellect and emotions.  Thank you for water and refridgerators.  Thank you for computers . 

Thank you God for all of your vessels.  

I love the song Be Thou My Vision and As the deer pantest for the water.

Help me to learn inspirational songs that will uplift as I learn. Thank you for the Bible. 

Thank you God. 

Cone off