“The sun’s up,’ he said, in dog Latin.
The estimate of human ancestry is now some 30,000 to 300,000 years. Civilization began 3 to 5000 years ago. Genteticists find at least 6 humanoid species. A little hobbit like creature is one of the latest while Neanderthal and Human co existed, our DNA even having Neanderthal DNA incorporated in it, presumably from inter species breeding. Anthropologist continue to push the time table back with carbon testing and increasing finds from burial digs and such. Dog was man’s first domesticated companion.
Until a hundred years ago, two at most, light has been expensive, carrying wood for fires, candles, lanterns. Hydro electric power and relatively cheap light is a post industrial age phenomena, No surprise it’s healthy to get up early with the sun and go to bed early with the dark.
I’m on holiday. I’d like to sleep in. I have a thought that to get up means to shave and dress with more care than I might otherwise. A part of me wants to blend in, to regress, to homengenize, to be normal. I have long hair and painted nails. I don’t think like the television sports addict who drinks beer, has some office job like a lawyer with a suburban house wife who twerks and sells real estate or beauty products. I’ve worn red dresses to church to compete with the bishops and commo hunting skirts to buy rifles at the gun store. For decades I’ve been different. In the last years my hair has grown longer . I’ve coloured it to remove the grey. I’ve talked about my fears and vulnerability, to being raped, bullied, taken hostage and survived a myriad of life changing events. I’ve not been discrete. I’d not be called a ‘closet queen’ though neither am I fully ‘out’. To say I’m GAY no longer means one is exclusive to men. The rainbow community is inclusive. The conventional ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ community identifies as heterosexual despite so many who simply don’t pretzel into that category so easily today.
I only packed au femme wear for this trip. I might have a pair of shorts and t shirts but otherwise its sun dresses, panties and bras. I’ve several bikini and one pieces. My desire to cross dress increases with the anxiety I feel in my work. I’ve gone on holidays to Europe, the US, and many times camping with a suitcase of women’s clothing and as the anxiety abates I’ve less need to have the social camouflage. I saw a psychiatrist about my cross dressing and gender dysphoria.
“It’s not traditional transsexualism. You’ve been extremely happy and accomplished as a man but this seems to be dissociative to some extent and also to address some aspects of your PTSD.”
I was exorcised and countless people have prayed over me. I’ve attended 12 step programs and prayer meetings and had years of therapy in which this has been the topic at times. My wives and girlfriends have all known and at times we’ve tried strap ons and role play. It’s not a secret among friends and intimates. It’s come and gone too. I’ve been with so many women for decades and only a very few men, only a couple I knew as friends and only one I knew sexually a few times. I love the sensuality of satin and silk. I’ve been celibate, strictly celibate for years at a time doing monastic training of east and west.
But recently I’ve wondered about stoicism. Religions have a dualism of spirituality and materialism. I’ve found myself weighing in with the creationists who embrace this Garden of Creation and look at life without the obvious selective biases. In the religions women are gluttons but good and men drink and are bad. Spiritual pride is everywhere along with avarice but envy is deeply frowned on. Watching the rise of Marxist aetheism as a death war cult has affected my trust in those around me. I often feel like I’m living in the 30’s with the rise of Naziism and Communism and now radical Islam. All the while I’ve done my time, served my community and country, worked in the areas of greatest need at greatest risk and want to relax only to fear this government and the unethical corruptness that dominates the criminality of once trustworthy institutions and courts,
As a man I provided and protected to the utmost, serving. Perhaps if I’d had children, those little police people, society controls I’d have been more normal. I’d have had the joy of family and the answer to denial of death. I’d live on through my children rather than seeing myself as a one off of creation. The fact remains I’m alone, born alone and dying alone and old. I’ve begun to consider bucket lists and death differently from the immortality of youth.
Woken this morning by the dog, I carried on using the bathrooom, shaving and brushing my teeth, applying red lipstick, dressing in the cutest little blue striped sun dress I bought recently in Arizona. I get a lot of pleasure buying women’s clothing and take little joy in the ‘au drab’ world of men’s clothing. Suits are just variations on the British military jacket of Victorian days. They are meant for heavy lifting and work. Women’s clothes by contrast are if anything designed for play and sensuality.
My little dog was so very happy that we were out before 6 am. We walked almost into town. It was a bit nippy, sweater weather but I could manage walking. The cool breeze lifted my sun dress and caressed my legs. I’d probably be as happy as a nudist. I loved sailing in the tropics often naked or only wearing khaki shorts, or a sarong, clothing optional, the barest covering at most for modesty but never as a reflection of gender. When I sailed with women they wore only bathing suit bottoms if that and I loved to see breasts bare in the sea air. I loved the Minoan culture and fashion when I studied the classics. I sometimes think of getting breast implants as an act of narcissism, to be able to look at myself since women are either witholding the earthy beauty of the goddess or attaching it to the dark sexuality of Marxist feminism.
Life is a dichotomy of eat or be eaten. Survival of the fittest is the law of the jungle while cooperation is the law of civilization.
I walked the dog which made him happy,. He had a poop and peed everywhere. On my return a man was out fishing. He had a long white beard. Another old man waved as I walked by. I waved back. In the camper I made coffee which tasted great. I’ve written. I’ll wait till it warms up to go for a swim in my black two piece. Yesterday I wore the black one piece being conservative. I have a blue and white polka dot bottom with red bikini top feeling that would be over the top here. Even unconventional I try to be conventional . I am wearing Teva sandals. The little guy has gone back to bed for another morning nap. I could too, It seems early for breakfast. I think I’ll change to a skirt or shorts and t shirt. I really like this sun dress and don’t want to get it dirty. I never know how anyone can wear white I’ve already dripped food on one blouse. If we all went topless it would be no bother to wipe that up, Now I have laundry.
Thank you Jesus for this day, for all your blessings.
Since Covid
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