Logan Lake, at day 2, Sunday

Madigan woke me early with his impatience to start the day.

“The sun’s up,’ he said, in dog Latin.

The estimate of human ancestry is now some 30,000 to 300,000 years.  Civilization began 3 to 5000 years ago.  Genteticists find at least 6 humanoid species. A little hobbit like creature is one of the latest while Neanderthal and Human co existed, our DNA even having Neanderthal DNA incorporated in it, presumably from inter species breeding. Anthropologist continue to push the time table back with carbon testing and increasing finds from burial digs and such.  Dog was man’s first domesticated companion.

Until a hundred years ago, two at most, light has been expensive, carrying wood for fires, candles, lanterns.  Hydro electric power and relatively cheap light is a post industrial age phenomena,  No surprise it’s healthy to get up early with the sun and go to bed early with the dark.

I’m on holiday.  I’d like to sleep in.  I have a thought that to get up means to shave and dress with more care than I might otherwise.  A part of me wants to blend in, to regress, to homengenize, to be normal.  I have long hair and painted nails.  I don’t think like the television sports addict who drinks beer, has some office job like a lawyer with a suburban house wife who twerks and sells real estate or beauty products.  I’ve worn red dresses to church to compete with the bishops and commo hunting skirts to buy rifles at the gun store. For decades I’ve been different.  In the last years my hair has grown longer .  I’ve coloured it to remove the grey.  I’ve talked about my fears and vulnerability, to being raped, bullied, taken hostage and survived a myriad of life changing events.  I’ve not been discrete.  I’d not be called a ‘closet queen’ though neither am I fully ‘out’.  To say I’m GAY no longer means one is exclusive to men.  The rainbow community is inclusive.  The conventional ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ community identifies as heterosexual despite so many who simply don’t pretzel into that category so easily today.  

I only packed au femme wear for this trip. I might have a pair of shorts and t shirts but otherwise its sun dresses, panties and bras.  I’ve several bikini and one pieces.  My desire to cross dress increases with the anxiety I feel in my work.  I’ve gone on holidays to Europe, the US, and many times camping with a suitcase of women’s clothing and as the anxiety abates I’ve less need to have the social camouflage.  I saw a psychiatrist about my cross dressing and gender dysphoria.  

“It’s not traditional transsexualism. You’ve been extremely happy and accomplished as a man but this seems to be dissociative to some extent and also to address some aspects of your PTSD.”  

I was exorcised and countless people have prayed over me. I’ve attended 12 step programs and prayer meetings and had years of therapy in which this has been the topic at times. My wives and girlfriends have all known and at times we’ve tried strap ons and role play.  It’s not a secret among friends and intimates.  It’s come and gone too.  I’ve been with so many women for decades and only a very few men, only a couple I knew as friends and only one I knew sexually a few times.   I love the sensuality of satin and silk.  I’ve been celibate,  strictly celibate for years at a time doing monastic training of east and west.  

But recently I’ve wondered about stoicism.  Religions have a dualism of spirituality and materialism.  I’ve found myself weighing in with the creationists who embrace this Garden of Creation and look at life without the obvious selective biases.  In the religions women are gluttons but good and men drink and are bad.  Spiritual pride is everywhere along with avarice but envy is deeply frowned on.  Watching the rise of Marxist aetheism as a death war cult has affected my trust in those around me.  I often feel like I’m living in the 30’s with the rise of Naziism and Communism and now radical Islam.  All the while I’ve done my time, served my community and country, worked in the areas of greatest need at greatest risk and want to relax only to fear this government and the unethical corruptness that dominates the criminality of once trustworthy institutions and courts,  

As a man I provided and protected to the utmost, serving. Perhaps if I’d had children, those little police people, society controls I’d have been more normal. I’d have had the joy of family and the answer to denial of death. I’d live on through my children rather than seeing myself as a one off of creation.  The fact remains I’m alone, born alone and dying alone and old. I’ve begun to consider bucket lists and death differently from the immortality of youth.  

Woken this morning by the dog, I carried on using the bathrooom, shaving and brushing my teeth, applying red lipstick, dressing in the cutest little blue striped sun dress I bought recently in Arizona.  I get a lot of pleasure buying women’s clothing and take little joy in the ‘au drab’ world of men’s clothing. Suits are just variations on the British military jacket of Victorian days. They are meant for heavy lifting and work. Women’s clothes by contrast are if anything designed for play and sensuality.  

My little dog was so very happy that we were out before 6 am.  We walked almost into town.  It was a bit nippy, sweater weather but I could manage walking. The cool breeze lifted my sun dress and caressed my legs. I’d probably be as happy as a nudist. I loved sailing in the tropics often naked or only wearing khaki shorts, or a sarong, clothing optional, the barest covering at most for modesty but never as a reflection of gender.  When I sailed with women they wore only bathing suit bottoms if that and I loved to see breasts bare in the sea air.  I loved the Minoan culture and fashion when I studied the classics.  I sometimes think of getting breast implants as an act of narcissism, to be able to look at myself since women are either witholding the earthy beauty of the goddess or attaching it to the dark sexuality of Marxist feminism.  

Life is a dichotomy of eat or be eaten.  Survival of the fittest is the law of the jungle while cooperation is the law of civilization.  

I walked the dog which made him happy,. He had a poop and peed everywhere.  On my return a man was out fishing.  He had a long white beard.  Another old man waved as I walked by.  I waved back.  In the camper I made coffee which tasted great. I’ve written.  I’ll wait till it warms up to go for a swim in my black two piece. Yesterday I wore the black one piece being conservative. I have a blue and white polka dot bottom with red bikini top feeling that would be over the top here.  Even unconventional I try to be conventional .  I am wearing Teva sandals.  The little guy has gone back to bed for another morning nap.  I could too, It seems early for breakfast.  I think I’ll change to a skirt or shorts and t shirt. I really like this sun dress and don’t want to get it dirty. I never know how anyone can wear white I’ve already dripped food on one blouse.  If we all went topless it would be no bother to wipe that up, Now I have laundry.  

Thank you Jesus for this day, for all your blessings.  

Since Covid   

Logan Lake

I left Spence’s Bridge this morning at 8 am after making my own stovetop expresso.  It was a lovely morning, clear sky.  It was minutes loading up and I was on the road.  Great morning drive.

I saw goats and mule deer. I loved the baby goats. Madigan was impressed.  Lots of road work on highway 8.  I loved the tumbleweed.  Sage in the air.  In no time I was in Merritt, filling up with gas and taking 97 c north.  Paved highway.  

Logan Lake.  I remember staying here at a motel one year with Laura. It was hunting season. The lake was the attraction. The Municipal RV park is on one end with the town at the other end.  

The young men were helpful getting me a spot.  A direct walk to the lake for swimming. There’s electricity and wi fi at the site. Running water and Sani flush are at the park but not at the site. The site electricity makes it easy for me to do work while the wifi is going to work because so far I’ve not got the Starlink working.  Too many obstructions 

I loved the swim. Alright. I have a one piece and enjoyed walked with my towel to the dock and climbing down the ladder.  The cold water wasn’t too cold and good for my back.  I lost a hearing aid.  Forgot I had them on.  One did fine but the one I’d lost a couple of times and damaged is no more.  

A fellow told me that my brake was squealing.

So after that I walked Madigan into town and learned there is a fellow who does vehicle repairs. Wolverine.  I’ll go by Monday morning. It may be the HD on the front ramp.  A contributing factor. I feel I have to get it fixed before I head home

I took another dip in the lake. It really is hot.  Thankfully I have air condition.  After a short time suntanning I was back in the camper with the air conditioning on. I’m reading a historical novel from Berlin WW2. Great suspense.  Jewish boy evading nazi working in the neurological institute studying the genetics of fruit fly. 

Travels with Amber: Spences Bridge

Morning. The sun has risen. It’s already warm on my face.  It’s above the mountain beyond the rushing Thompson.  The trains made some noise in the night but only once did I wake. I had sweet dreams and felt comfortable here in this camper, with my little dog sleeping through the night on the seats in the dining area. He’d be in bed with me as at home but I fear the jump down from the camper bed would not be good for his back.

I’ve cleaned my face enjoying the smell of dove soap. I’ve brushed my teeth with Colgate.  I thought of showering but really want a swim.  I like having a surplus of water too.  Later today.  

I wore the black nightie to bed with the sparkling word “sexy’ across the chest. I’ve had that for decades now. I’d wear it camping when I hunted alone in the mountains near Pemberton tenting.  The animus hunted. The anima lead back at camp.  Psychological mindedness, tolerating the tension of opposites.  I sometimes think that my masculinity has been ‘reaction formation’ and my femininity ‘identification with the aggressor’.  Yet I embrace both. I so enjoyed the strong young man and his pleasure but now older with less outlet for heavy lifting I’m rather enjoying more the feminine.   

I am a cross dresser.  My transexual psychiatrist friend joked when I lunched with her last month, “What’s the difference between a cross dresser and a transexual?  5 years. “ she said.  I’ve been cross dressing since I was an actor in my teens.  I played a school lead as a woman. It wasn’t an issue back then and I enjoyed those times.  I felt freeer, more creative and alive as only the young can be. Decades of being a doctor and a psychiatrist and an addiction medicine specialist I’ve grown weary of the social homogeneity, doctors dressing like lawyers and bankers.  I like my colleagues who wear shorts and hiking wear.  They are far beyond the white lab coat even.  Symbols of normalcy don’t seem as important.  

I’m technically bisexual by history. On my sad days I fear that when I was anally penetrated an bred the seeds of homosexuality were planted.  I was changed by trauma.  How melodramatic.  My cherry was bust and yet I’ve wallow in the self pity so many girls adopt to be one down and adopted. Of course it could be gentle.  A little lube would have gone a long way. But there are men in the gay community with a mean streak.  Feral.  In the war they were leaders in the SS.  Toxic masculinity describes them. I supposed the like raping boys and girls and the rape fantasies continue in society.  Shares of Grey and Sado masochism.  The most popular female fantasy is being ‘taken’ by a rich and powerful man.  

“Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?” He said.  

“I’d think about it”.  She replied.

“Would you have sex with me for a dollar?”

“What do you take me for?” She said.

“That’s already been decided. I”m just dickering for price”

I got the experience of being anally penetrated.  I said no so it’s technically raped. I was given my first blow job drunk and stoned.  I had sex with a man imagining a woman , so deluded by drugs and alcohol I couldn’t be accountable.  The social programming was broken.  I recoiled and returned to the tame world. I’d taken a walk on the wild side and didn’t return a billionaire but had a sore bum and a hell of a lot of shame.

Velvet Rage is the book I recommended to gay men.  We joked about men being ‘pussie’s’ and it wasn’t attractive.  Being gay was to be ostracized not like the tomboy or was she too a bit reviled.  It was definitely easier for her to return to her feminine role.  When a woman has a child all is forgiven.  So much of society is based on the need for children to man the armies of the world.  The demand only changed with industrialization. The birth control pill was created in 1952, the year of my birth.

The elite always have time and money for any indulgence.  The lower classes we’re too tired to be creative. The middle classes were upwardly mobile but cautious to retain there hard won status.  Homogeneity was the goal.  To fit in. Discretion was the rule.  Dr. Carl Jung differentiated the ‘self’ from the ‘persona’ or social self.  

I’ve done quite well till now.  I’ve served society and now with limited time left want to be free from  constraints.  There is little time for soon they’re just say ‘he’s demented. He’s psychotic’.  Difference is either mad or bad.  Wearing women’s clothes is my Klinger expression.  I don’t want to war no more.

Life is a journey, a grand one at this, This bit is a blip in the whole, a delightful embracing of the whole self.  Dr. Jung called these ‘bits’ the ‘Shadow’. Obviously there are darker aspects of life which were contained by ‘evolution’ but there’s also those other bits which are not so bad or wrong or demonic.  Society is evolving and we thankfully don’t need more children for war so heterosexuality and the trappings of the military are no longer the only game in town.  I like the expressions of the artist.  Besides I’m a sniper and called up as an old man I’d serve my community though really I’m a healer first and foremost. Killing is relatively easy by comparison.  The sheep dog is more advanced thatn the wolf in that regard .  I do imagine myself more a sheep dog, maybe even a bitch.