Tucson Conference

“Look for the similarities,  not the differences,’ he told me years ago.  I’m terminally unique. I have a sense of alienation and really do feel that if people like me there’s something wrong with them or some kind of catch.  Trauma responses.  Character flaws.  I’m waiting for the next shoe to drop.   I remember feeling a part of when I was drinking and smoking dope. I fit in the circle I was in. 

I have had such support. So many miracles. The people here have truly ‘loved me till I could love myself”.  I was so filled with shame after the betrayals, losses and negative associations.  This program is all about honesty.  I was raised in a Christian community with Christian parents and honesty was essential.  In the last years before I stopped drinking I associated with chronic liars.  Compulsive liars.  And Political liars.  I understood their lack of truth.  Fear is the basis of so much but those that supported them were the problem.  Proxy violence and mob mentality. I was confronted with ‘nests’ and had thought there was only one.  They were like a hospital infection.  The insaniety was real. I wanted to be there then.  Now I look back and it’s like this part of my mind is a mine field.  

“Your mind is a bad neighbourhood. You shouldn’t go there alone,” he said.  

There are a dozen other Canadians here.  Maybe a couple of dozen psychiatrists.  Some single.  Most seem to be married with families.  Lots of Al Anon. Lots of couples . So many of the gay doctors are themselves married. I feel alone. Different. I once felt young and new but now I’m old and I’ve paid my dues.  

We’ve not seen anyone come back from where you’ve been before.’ She was thanking me and looking at me in awe. Resilience but then she didn’t know about all the doctors here who’d held me up till I could stand alone.

Now I still want to isolate. I’m so raw. Talking openly with these men and women I’ve known decades and admire so deeply.  

“I used to have goals and plans and projects and knew where I was going to be in 5 years. I was aiming for things. I had grand adventures and goals and purpose. Now it’s like there’s success all around . I’ve friends and purpose .  Serving God.  Helping patients.  But no real vision.  I’m really living day by day.  Other’s are retiring and I’m continuing to work if only because I’ve nothing better to do . My projects are putting a rack on the front of my truck to carry my truck.  Empty the storage locker.  Let Go and Let God. Surrender.  Drop the rock.  I’m getting through ODAT but no longer on a flight from demons well aware of the hound of heaven.  Be still and know that I am god.

I’m waiting for a sign I guess.  

I’ve sexual identity issues.  So many old people loose interest but I don’t want to go that route. I want to dance till I die. I want to do more hikes and live.  I’m not ready for the sedentary life .  I long to travel, swim more, explore.  Yet I like to work and have reduced the hours from 80 to 40 and might work less yet.  I’ve a sail boat that waits on shore and I could sell it or crew it and all it needs to cross and ocean is anti fouling paint and some topside paint. It’s been on land for five years. I’d rather just take my truck and camper and motorcycle and explore the US and Canada by land. 

I loved Steinbeck’s Travels with Charley and want to write more.  I like to write. I like to visit art galleries and museums, read history and novels.  I’m not as excited by chemistry as I once was.  I’m changing and don’t know who I’ll be in a year.  I don’t like wearing parkas anymore and miss sailing in the tropics dressed in khakis or sarong. I’m looking forward to leaving Canada when the snow flies . It’s as far ahead as I can plan.  Working virtual.  Laura continues to work and our schedules weave in and out.  We were apart in Covid and back together.  I’m happiest in her company .  She’s my favourite human.  

Now I’ve a meeting to got to .  The newcomers introduced themselves and I remembered how afraid I was back then.  Now I’m still searching for God’s will.  But today I head that the key was simply the searching. Each day I wake with prayer and ask for guidance.  It’s worked so far.  Dave shared he still has niggling fears as Tommy spoke about her moments of uncertainty but we all spoke of those unspeakable moments of joy. Practicing the presence of God.