Then Madigan ‘s coat was so matted and he was so upset that he couldn’t be groomed.
When I’m anxious I want to change my identity and hide as a girl. The war continues.
Then today I’m rested . I’m caught up on all the work and fear. I’ve paid off the overdraft that came with all the dues and taxes. It really causes me anxiety since the aggression of millionaire ex’s was to wipe out my bank accounts and leave me in debt for a business that failed because she didn’t show up for work. She’d tried to kill us and now she ruined us but she had allies and millions and I was the scapegoat. I’d worked my way always to this place where I worked more to pay off her debts and my poor choices. I gave up drinking and smoking dope and no longer was attracted to women who were drunk and stoned. Surprise, the wreckage of the past slowly cleaned up. I no longer bought houses women took and I focused on work, service, sobriety, spirituality, sailing, motorcycling and hunting. This year I hope to fish more.
I was ready for retirement and passed the normal age but continued. I like my work. I like the service. There’s such a shortage. I liked the clinics and patients and colleagues.
In Covid alone and isolated I enjoyed cross dressing, marking time, having a private adventure with identity and exploring the anima. I looked at the cardinal vices and considered that true I might have some lust. My sexual fantasies became submissive. “I want to be seduced.” I had this back pain made worse with sex and intermittent erectile dysfunction related to the level of anxiety I was feeling. I felt tremendous stress having a ‘different opinion’. Disagreeing with the lies of the Communist Chinese, WHO, UN, WEF and especially Trudeau and Tam was constantly scarey.
I tried and still try everything in my power to ‘be not afraid’. I limit media exposure. I avoid. But then I have a rifle outlawed and I’m collectively called a criminal. I’m repeatedly having intrusive thoughts of the man who threatened to kill me and my dog who went to the authorities and complained he was the victim and they said I shouldn’t upset him.
I want to run away. Just getting up and facing this victim culture is terrifying. ‘Toxic Masculinity’. They scream at me. “White priviledge’.
I remember my Jewish friend who told me he was poor from a poor family and had just worked all his life but was constantly smeared as a Rothschild.
False accusations are the norm in Canada. The government senior official claimed ‘Women don’t lie about sex’. Trudeau says the ‘budget will balance itself’. The Washington Capital open the White House and invite the protestors to come in. The FBI not the Russians create the Russiagate scare. Meanwhile Trump is portrayed as ‘unstable’ and yet his running mate Mr. Pense is the most solid admirable uprighteous man in the history of politics and Trump hires a 4 star general as a chief of staff. Now we’ve got Biden who when he isn’t lying is confabulating and hires a transvestite for nuclear weapons who keeps getting caught stealing women’s clothing in airports. This stuff can’t be made up. Reality is stranger than fiction. Meanwhile the media is just propaganda with as much truth as world wrestling matches.
For years Dr. FAuci , the greatest Nocebo, in the history of medicine was saying you’re going to die and then insisting on vaccines whose validity was clearly not like Rabies Vaccines or Measles or any vaccine to date. The authorities didn’t trust them because despite 2 vaccines and 2 boosters I was told by Trudeau and Tam that I had to have a negative test in Paris or I couldn’t return to Canada.
The whole Freedom Convoy story may as well have been written by Pravda. Emergency Measures act for peaceful protestors. Government plants with Nazi signs. A Prime Minister who wouldn’t talk to these middle class businessmen called racists and overall the lie of ‘Climate Emergency’.
My patients can’t pay the rent and are going to food banks. They’re not going to hospital with heart attacks and they are offered euthanasia under the euphemism “Maid” as they age with depression over the horrible plight of the elderly in Canada because patients on half the pension they worked for and earned was stolen by Trudeau and they’re given death instead of treatment for mental illness.
I don’t listen to the news. I look at social media. I watch tv ‘stories’, read occasional articles and books , attend lectures but the constant litany of lies and negativity seep through the defences.
Last month I was having flash backs to past trauma, the punishment I experienced reporting the death of a patient through negligence and the cover up by the doctor who was alone of theirs. I thought I’d be thanked. No . I was hounded forever. The anxiety at the night death threats. The nightmare of those days. It comes back to haunt me. I have nightmares. They came back. Then it was over.
The sun came out . The weather improved. Kelvin from Travco fixed my toilet and I stopped having poop hoses snaking through my home, weekends of work and hope. Then the cleaning ladies arrived and it all smelt better and was fresher. Then Dr. Bieranacki and Sabina at North Shore Veterinary groomed Madison. Then I got paid and I could pay off my overdraft. All those triggers. All those reminders of the horrors of the past. The corrupt government and the lies and abuse so akin to the gaslighting and falsehoods of Trudeau. I experienced those and know the bullying and survived it just like I did the broken toilet
I pray and mediate and try to trust God. I know that this is all God. I know that the message of Job is it’s all GOD. I know Jesus said ‘do not be afraid’. But I pray for fair winds. I’ve survived hurricanes and breakdowns. I’ve crashed motorcycles and been betrayed by my closest friend.
I’m old now. Shit happens. If ever there was a better message for that than a frozen broken toilet pipe. Shit happens.
We move on.
The past is past. My mind focuses unfortunately on the negative. My ex wife was only trying to kill me in the last year. For years she was the love of my life. Yet she sabotaged and undermined all our plans as she wanted to live in the city and had lied about wanting to live in the country. A lie to marry. “I let you believe that because I knew you’d come to your senses and want to live in the city. “ I closed my practices twice and followed the lead of the women in my life only to be called misogynist because ‘all men are’. I was the ‘wife’ and yet labelled as the ‘chauvinist’. I rather liked the years of sailing and homesteading till I heard this old rich doctor lady claiming she was dominated by me. She’d hit me. Yet some girlfriend was claiming that I hit her. It was the lies after. It was her black outs and rages and unwillingness to get treatment for cocaine and alcohol. Instead I was blamed . Men are accountable and women are victim. All this victim culture and identity politics.
My mind betrays me. I have to force it to see that the shit is the manure for all the wonderful flowers in my life that I forget when I want to be the victim. I’m sorry I wasnb’t a better husband and friend. I’m sorry now that I made so many mistakes . I am sober and made amends but the truth or facts remain. I have never hit a woman but I have black eyes and bruises and been attacked by violent women, wives and patients yet the courts insist men are violent and women are victims.
Obvious its all in the narrrative. Two hopeful people married and it didn’ t work and the government and courts are the parasites on love.
That was then. This is now. Now is great. The intrusive thoughts and nightmares flooded my mind last month . Now I’ve this great times and am sleeping hours more and even rode my Vespa and my back injury with the sciatica which only had me walking half a block at most has lifted. Lots of hard physio and thanks to the chiropratic care of Dr. Ready and reassurance of Dr. Antonious and Dr. Watersom I was able to walk an hour yesterday. It’s been three months healing and it still hurts and I’m a bit fragile and often stiff but a couple of Tylenol handle the pain which was constant and kept me awake despite sometimes 10 ketorolac. I woke every night with pain for weeks having to stretch and take muscle relaxants , robaxisal and naproxen to be able to get back to sleep. Now that’s behind me. A week at New Years in Whistler living in the hot springs spread up the process walking the dog longer distances each day.
Now here I am grateful. I’ve bitched and complained and admitted my insanity,. I’ve given myself some self care and it’s all better. I don’t know how I’d have worked through this if I hadn’t had an escape to Mexico and that month of working in the dessert .
Now I’m grateful. Thank you God for carrying me through this tough time. I am so blessed and must trust more and have faith.
I still don’t know what I’m going to do when I grow up.
I imagine if I were to retire today I’d travel with my truck and rv. I have lots I want to see . I imagine writing books on the road. I always loved Steinbach’s Travel’s With Chalry. I know that so much of the cost of my present life is due to my working. When I’m not working there is so little stress and costs plummet. The heating cost living here is outrageous and the cost of rent and living are perhaps the highest in the western civilized world. I imagine that I could camp in the country and live a much a much more affordable existence.
How much money do I need to ‘retire’? I don’t know. I came back from sailing from Hawaii and imagined sailing again so had my boat moved to the east to head out for the Atlantic before my back became limited and I was weaker and then Covid . I could still sail to Iceland or South America though I’d rather drive and park in the woods than beeat anchor today. I like land. I let go of all my scuba diving gear and yet I imagine I’d like a snorkel to continue spear fishing and underwater photography. Mostly I’d like to sit at cafe’s and people watch. I loved being in Ireland with Laura. She’d leave me at a cafe and go off exploring shops. I love sitting with the dog on Commercial Street people watching and writing journal drivel. It’s a skill to ‘stream of conscious’. I once wanted to share that what we think and what goes on in our minds and hearts wasn’t what made us crazy but rather what we ‘did’. But now with censorship and the truly frightening totalitrarian small brain twit Trudeau at the helm we really are going to have to give up everything but accepting we living in a paranoid world. 1984. Life in a Concentration camp with Jordan Perterson’s case the bird in the mine. A little light of freedom.
Scots whae hay with Wallace.
I was thankful that Adell found our great great great grandfather born in 1750 . The lineage is amazing. I want to go back to Aberdeen again and visit the immediate neighbourhood where he grew up. I’ve visited the grave of my great grand father on my mother’s side and was very close to the grave of my great grandfather on my father’s side. I’d like to focus more on such fun.
I want to surrender. I don’t want to fight any more. I dont’ want to be threatened by Trudeau freezing the bank accounts of Canadians who disagreed with his corruption and tyranny. I don’t want to be bullied and threatened with euthanasia but these rich thugs. I don’t believe Epstein suicide. I don’t believe Trudeau when his lips are moving.
I must trust in God. God is all or nothing. This too will pass. One day at a time.
Today I’ve slept in, had a great night’s sleep , woke to indoor plumbing and warmth, meditated and prayed and done the stretching exercises. I’ve made coffee. Yesterday I bought Sidamo coffee from Ethiopia and roast the beans. I ‘be had three cups of coffee and granola. I’ve participated in the international doctors groups and chatted by testing with Laura, showered and washed Madison. He was shivering but he’s dried out now.
I don’t know what I’m going to do next. It’s 1 30 on a Sunday. There’s lots I “should do’ but nothing I must do. I have a clean slate and its raining so riding my Vespa doesn’t seem so attractive. I am truly blessed. It’s a wonderful day. I’ve purged the past yet agin. Writing it down will hopeful stop it from reminding me of it. It’s recorded .It’s past. I have to day make good memories. All shall be well.
A nap might be a good idea. I like naps.
Thank you Jesus for all your love and care.
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