I’m working and accepting that. If I wasn’t working I’d be driving about in my truck and camper or pulling the RV to different spots to write and study. My plan is to be in my camper in the south next winter so I’m happy with the present. We’re having the last bout of February winter before spring. I’m not happy with winter and cold. I’ve concluded that I don’t want to face more winters with the unhealthiness I’ve experienced in winter so I’m going to head south next winter. Three months would be the ideal. December , January and February working virtual in the south. The rest of the year I’m happy here. I like the clinics. There are virtual doctor groups but I’ve no need for change. I have the training in military legal medicine to work virtual from places like Puerta Rico but I like my life.
I keep thinking that my life is tied to Lauras’ in a sense. Ideally she and I and the dog would take three months off when her doctor finishes work and we could travel with the camper through the southern states. I don’t know if I can wait that long. It’s just comforting to know that this year I have this working plan for a year or two yet.
I’m supposed to write books. I’ve three on the go but little energy to write with all the work.
Seeing patients is unsettling. I’m not immune to their mood or ideas and daily they disturb whatever peace I find in prayer and meditation. I get started on a book and am derailed by a call. It’s all okay. I enjoy being of service. I like the structure and work . I really like the patients and colleagues and staff.
I’m unhappy with the communist slide that Canada is taking along with the economic mismanagement of the country and criminal activities of the unethical puppet idiot PM.
I am uplifted by Elon Musk and the space program. I love the advances of science.
I take delight in watching the antics of family.
I love my men’s meetings and enjoy the colleagiality. I love the doctors meetings and AA. I enjoy the church and wish I was more active sometimes.
I don’t seem to have time. I watch way too much time in the evening and do hope to get one night doing tai chi. I walk the dog an hour or more each day and have pretty consistently been swimming 2 or 3 times a week. My back pain is much less and chiropractic visits and stretching have really helped. I am hopeful and don’t feel I’m physically deteriorating.
I do look forward to riding the Honday 420 Rancher this spring. Bear hunting opens April 1 and while I’m no longer keen on bear hunting, even hunting has less appeal, I look forward to quadding about the wilderness with my camera and dog.
Laura and I are planning camping weekends this spring. My camper will be repaired in the next weeks. We’re off to look at buses at the RV show this weekend.
I like wearing lose clothes and all day long am dressing casually. I like estrogen and enjoy feeling the minor physical effects. I imagine this is good for my prostate and that the mild hypotensive decreases my bp and helps my heart. I had some nocebo fears after the sudden deaths following Covid and feared the vaccines and Covid in the air had increased my risk of heart disease. These fears are minor. I’m looking forward to my birthday. This has been a pretty spectacular year travelling to Scotland, England and France in the spring and then Arizona and Mexico in the fall. I really am looking forward to returning to Mexico
I think a lot about gender dysphoria. Mine is directly associated with anxiety. When I’m relaxed and calm without work and threats I’m fairly euthyroid and neutral regarding gender. The physical decline in my defensive masculine capacity makes me think that theere’s safety in cammo. There’s the sexual addiction aspect potential, I’m rather mild in this regard but I don’t feel my back would allow me to ‘ravage’ a young woman again and my erectile dysfunction though responsive to viagra is intermittent. Relaxed it’s not present but faced with any anxiety and it’s unreliable. I don’t feel any desire to be proactive either so the passivity is a factor. I imagine if I became more physically active and lost some weight and put on muscle I’d be less au femme and more au drab. In a country where men are liked and appreciated I might lose all interest in the anima. Yet here in the office mode and working so much with the emotions and fearful of offending everyone and everything and constantly condemned as ‘toxic’ I’m at ease in a skirt and self indulgent thinking of my comfort rather than thinking of caring for others. Having lived a life of service and thinking first of others I find that in the feminine role I can be hedonistic and self centred thinking of my own comforts as the women I’ve known intimately have . I suspect I’m still rocking and reeling from the diabolical divorces and betrayals and the lack of children and the desire of women to abort children. Having my child aborted and being raped by a man have left an indelible mark therapy doesn’t seem to change. On the other hand I’m clear minded and these concerns are compartmentalized.
I live a fairly circumscribed moderate life despite the freedom I have. I’ve had great potential andd used it My question now is how best to serve God. What does God want. What is the next step. It’s all okay. I’ve surrendered my will to God and don’t need to worry about the future for God will show me the way.
I’m very grateful for my life today. I’m thankful for my health and work and family and friends. I’m very blessed. Thank you Jesus.
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