Saturday Morning, Slept in

I am always surprised at how tired I must have been when I sleep in. It was 830 when I awoke and during the week I’m up at 7. Work is hard. I’m tired. It’s like decades of seeing patients and cheer leading, rallying, exploring, uncovering, suggesting, recommending catches up on me 

Today though ,rested and faced with a blank slate of a day, I’m feeling quite awesome.

I struggle with the identity and gender dysphoria.  So much time alone with Covid and a minor aspect of itself grew. I was thankful to be able to live cross dressed for a month like the week the year before I had in that way a year before.  I imagine post retirement if I ‘d like to be known as a tranny.  I’ve had this whole other identity. Or self based on my masculinity and function. Yet my government continues to castrate me and my fellow citizens seem like Lord of the Flies to cheer on the killing of the men who carried this country this far.  The administration take credit for all the suffering and sacrifice I did as a doctor and they are intent on destroying professions and unions to create dictatorship with it’s emblem of the ‘one man’ and the rest of us are women. The communist anti family ideology, anti women, and only select men is growing.

I think to leave Canada and go to Texas. I tend to go with the group. Among good men I’m good.  Among bad men I’m not so bad. I’m not stalwart. I once was but the punishment I experienced by the government for morality and ethics has been overwhelming. My mentors have no idea of the loneliness and horror I experienced for doing the right thing, for standing up and stopping tyranny.

But the nest is stronger. I have married weak women and at first sign of trouble they’ve pulled away and gone back to ‘not rocking the boat’.  Canada is ‘apathetic’, the same word used for asylums and prisons.  It’s all of what occurred in Nuremberg.  

I’m physically no longer capable of fighting the young gang members encouraged by the politics of Trudeau. I’ve defended myself  and others from gangs in the past but now the country has disarmed all the good men and put weapons in the hands of the criminals and terrorists.

I’ve cared for the fallen. I’m a war medic in the ideological wars of the day.  I see the suffering of so many and cry at night as there is so little to be done.

I guess I believed there would be time enough to right the wrongs and then I agreed not to fight.

I surrendered.  

My back hurts. I feel like I’m being stabbed in the back.  Obviously all these analogies speak to my own issue. How am I stabbing myself in the back? Is the question the therapist would ask.  Jung saw the characters of  dreams as representing all the people our ourselves.  I am the parent, adult, child but also the emperor and fool.  I’m all the characters in the drama and play of Jesus. I no longer see myself as Jesus which I guess I once did.  I must face the Hitler within.  I am Madonna.  

Now I pray Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you, Blessed are you among all women, blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.   Hail Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and in the hour of our death.

Mom didn’t like the Catholic worship of the woman.  She was fond of God the Father.  

There was a sensuality in Catholicism that was there in the old Judaic traditions of the first 300 years.  The Mother.  Men intellectualize.  They conceptualise ‘original sin’ and the world as ‘idea’ and yet women are ‘flesh’ and ‘flesh is good’. Their bodies produce Jesus. They know the godliness of children.  My female psychiatrist mentor laughed at me angry at the recent politician from hell.  “You don’t realise I am a mother and I just see him as a naughty little boy.  He wasn’t loved or raised well. No one is intrinsically evil.”

My male mentor said there is no ‘black and white’ just shades of grey.

But as a doctor I’ve been hounded by the lowest of doctors, the administrative political doctors whose decisions have caused untold death and suffering but have been censored and protected. Police doctors are no more infallible that any police but the level of perfectionism and scape goating of doctors for their extraordinary fallacies is best described as evil.  Evil is a good word when the amount surpasses human effort and takes on a snow ball effect.

In Lord of the Flies and Clockwork Orange the group frenzy was well described. In the female prison when the girl became insanely defiant and the female guards and older women piled on her the emotion was palpable. The whole ward convalesced. I’d never seen anything like this in the men’s ward.  I supposed a prison riot might have that ‘group ethose’ and I’ve never seen this . Yet this one violent woman incensed the group and the women trying to contain her were themselves almost turned. Having experienced this ‘phenomena’ I appreciate Vampire and Zombie movies. There’s this ‘force’.  Some call it the devil.  Freud called it death wish but he was afraid of the death.

The old school described Satan or the Devil.l

Jesus conceptualised the Devil

I wonder if my ‘alter self’ this somewhat wanton female side of my ,my body, my sexuality, my sinful nature , is succubus. We wish to alienate ourselves from ourselves.s The intellectual man calls his body’s desires ‘character defects’.  They accept a balance. I just read masturbating 21 times a week is good for the prostate.  Women have never discussed how often ‘masturbation’ is okay. There’s no code.  

I’m interested in the dichotomy and how we alienate and demonise the LBGT.  The family and traditiona production of children and the men who are father’s and grandfather s are celebrated to some extent.  Women have children as a old age policy. They create longevity.  They have purpose in children. The mother of Hitler was no less attached than the mother of Churchill. The mother attachment of the wolf is the same as the that of the sheep dog. 

I sailed across oceans, climbed mountains,explored chemistry and the mind and now taking estrogen and wearing bras and panties and trying to see matters from a ‘woman’s point of view’ I’m being an explorer.  So much of female hierarchy is identification with the aggressor or allegiance to the crown. The whole feminist movement is LGBT and the woman that is celebrated in that crowd is not the mother but the teen age girl.  I’m single without children and have spent my life serving the fathers and grandfathers but now as I look at my ‘identity’ as a ‘retired person’ I’ll be single.  I’ve cared for the women and children of so called ‘bad men’. I’ve provided and protected for the lost and beaten.  Yet I don’t know what to do when I grow up.

Black like me , the book, fascinated me.

I was wearing high heels when 4 men cruising Davie street slowed and appeared about to stop and attack me. I felt so vulnerable.

Younger I was raped and frozen. I cried out ‘no’ but it was too late and the man took pleasure in my pain and copious blood flow saying ‘I broke your cherry’ with pride. 

I’ve have talked to women and men whose first encounter with receptive sex was traumatic like mine.  I’ve known kindness and pleasure since and always as a man was gentled and kind and overly concernsed for the woman’s .

When I defended us from violent men leaving the aggressor bleeding on the ground, the women , always critics complained that I shouldn’t have been so harsh. I like women who have grown up in the country, served in the military or had a life of reality, not the Canadian intellectual California girl who likes to get men to fight and wants the winner but but only to dominate him. I ‘be found women afraid of these aggressive women who use men as proxy. I’ve felt sadly beating up some guy whose been ‘sicc’d’ on me by his girlfriend because I’ve refused to ‘fuck her’.  The girl grabs my cock in the hall and I say no I’m marrie and suddenly the stupid thug boyfriend is wanting to fight me after I see her whisper in his ear and pointing at me.  Then the guy says I saw you were coming on to my gf and takes a swing and I kick him in the head and dhe’s down and she’s furious and my gifting is furious and I’m the bad guy.

I actually heard a doctor police say “women don’t lie about sex’.  I actually told my female boss and professor I didn’t want to have sex with her when she told me what she wanted and I said I was married.

My ugly male friends who are mediocre and self aggrandise about their selves never ‘get it’.  

The whole trump and pussy scene was such a crock and outright lie, all those women who have followed their bodies when confronted with powerful men.

There is now female outcry against EVA BRAWN.  The EVA Braun Syndrome is denied in the chauvinist courts where the dirty old men judges condemn falsely accused men and give the young women the wink and nod.

I notice that testosterone is plummeting in Canada since Pierre Trudeau encouraged white women to abort and celebrated communist Castro and anti white anti Christian  Mortgentaller. 

She told me she aborted my baby.  I had no choice.  At least she told me.  I don’t know how many men have not been told and the lie that men don’t want children has been perpetrated along with the ‘dead beat men’ lie,

Meanwhile jealousy is so often the cause of women leaving men 

Now 72 churches have been burnt to the ground last year, persecution of Christians is rampant in Canada, the male clergy are replaced by gays and women, the castrated middle class populations of Canada has been impoverished by criminals in powers and the men whose children have been taken in corrupt courts from them ,are hounded, all the while a movement continues to replace monogramous Christian men, yes not prefett’ with men who have many wives and many children and divorce is rare because women who are not in agreement simply get killed. They call it honor killing.  

I’d rather be a transsexual in Canada and self castrate like the Christian Origen.  If rape is inevitable then it ‘s best to lie back and enjoy it. Surrender.

I have been prepared to leave since before Covid. I thought I could be a man among men where there aren’t labels like ‘toxic masculinity’ and the women like men and manliness and aren’t so angry. All these angry women running to men who think them ‘easy’ and laugh as the take over the countries their rejected men created. 

Maybe I’ll die soon.  I’m uncertain what to do each day and muddle along rejected by women and Canadian men who are now so afraid of the grown gangs of men from tribals societies who will drag them down and gang rape them along with their daughters.  And if we object it’s blamed on climate change and we’re all called racists. 

Is it better to wear panties or Stanfields today.  

Does God only love stoics.  

Personally I believe God loves me and I’m going to heaven and what ever I do I will still see Jesus and be welcomed home.