Snowy Sunday Morning

I’ve woken to a winter wonderland.  I admire friends who are embracing the snow. I remember well my joy with skiing and snowshoeing but today I’m not that guy.  I’m reviewing identities and older I’m definitely into heat and comfort.  Maybe its the estrogen. Old men lose the ambitions of testosterone and enjoy rest and comfort.  I’m definitely that way enclosed. Bearing hunting opens beginning of April and I’m only keen on camping.  Any week now my camper will be ready yet here we are with snow and I’m not enthusiastic about winter camping even in the camper.

I enjoyed wearing a dress and nylons to the Gultch and seeing Roginna’s solo show.  It was a day of dress up.  An escape to costume and a reflection on the lost days of acting, theatre and dance. There’s a frivolity inn the world of art.  I was once attracted to medicine and psychiatry for the creative healing and the joy of genius, problems solving and science.  Yet today it seems dominated by police doctors, politics and clever money.  I’ve learned of the corruption and now I am just a cog in the industry doing my day job but feeling that the forces of death, euthanasia and abortion have stolen the life and meritocracy from the field. I’m actually happy with the ‘day job’.  I am in holding pattern. I am glad for work and a pay cheque in these difficult times.  Survival takes precedence.  Meanwhile it’s okay.  

I am still getting by holding it together with threats abounding I pray and meditate.  My back is a source of pain and limitation but it’ much better, only the memory still influence the present reality. My fears are the issue. 

Well that was very exciting. I just rose and faced my morning accounting task, I completed the book keeping and ensured I had the lion’s share of banking receipts and and statements.  Kaloo Kalay he chortled in his joy.  Jabberwocky.

Now I’ve just got off the phone from booking a few days and nights at Harrison Hot Spring Resort , my birthday present, with Laura and Madigan.  Now today I may go out and get a new iPad as my present to myself . I paid my taxes and that still overdrafts me but I’m still doing okay and last cheque paid off the credit cards I’m now going to increase with the Harrison stay.  I am working but can’t imagine how I’d get by without working.  The fact is I like working and its all okay . I’m muddling forward.

Chatter Hair Salon

I’m here waiting 30 minutes for the hair colouring treatment to cure. Aluminum is a contributor to early dementia. However aluminum hats have long been know to protect one from alien rays and demonic influences. I’m hoping this treatment will protect me from the nauseating effect of PM Justin Trudeau’s voice, I learned all really intelligent people are nauseated by it. That explained my allergic reaction to hearing  him speak. . Hopefully this aluminum foil hat will leave a smattering of aluminum strategically placed that I will be able to live without recurrent vomiting. I tried  blocking him but he just gets louder and more offensive with school yard bullying arrogance and name calling. 

This treatment also conceals the gray which is good because Trudeau’s cultural revolution , like Mao’s,  targetted the old experienced and wise. Only the stupid or criminal want the future dictatorship and world concentration camps he envisions for all but himself and his cronies. 

Soon I will die and pass out of this realm of evil tyranny. In the meantime I’m trusting my hairdresser Sharyn exquisite work.

 If things get worst and Trudeaus goon squads begin going door to door I may need a face lift.  

I really am thankful for the blessing in my life. I am still able to cling a bit longer to the illusion of youth and impermanence in this world. I can see to find more humor here too

Winter in February

I lost the heat last night, waking chilled at 5 am. I changed the propane tank hoping delivery will come tomorrow. Back in bed with the heater working again I cuddled Madigan before a bit more restless sleep. I said the Lord’s Prayer.

It hailed, sleeted and rained yesterday. I barbecued pork cutlets with the new apple barbecue sauce from Tradex early RV show.

I am thankful for my work but the government just spends and taxes and demands more work from us though we are fairly burnt out. I feel old, mostly my back ache.

I’m uncertain of my future. I continue to make money and pay off debt and save. If I had more wealth I’d travel and write. That waits in the future. For now I feel bored at times but that is peace I suppose. I ask God for guidance and direction, to know his will for me. This is it. 

I am grateful.

Thank you Jesus for all my blessings. Protect me and guide me. Thank you for yesterday and today. Please watch over and care for my family friends and patients. 

Thank you Jesus.

Abbotsford Tradex RV Show

Laura and I left Madigan to guard the house as we drove out to Abbotsford in my F350.  The parking lot was packed and there was a long line up for those without tickets. Others who bought on line were streaming in. Our line moved really quickly as well.  Camping is becoming ever more popular with campgrounds booked a year in advance.  

I was there to look at the 30 foot buses, especially the Tiffin’s.  The choices were incredible and costs very reasonable. All manner of 25 foot light weight towable were present in the $40,000 range with luxury campers in the $70,000 range.

There were 2 increfible luxury buses one for $700,000 and another for $400,000. The latter was the Tiffin 33 Integra and we truly loved it.  All the bells and whistles.  Another at $250,000 was smaller and more manageable with lighter interior ,  Finally there were several $150,000 buses which really were impressive too.  The cost of house most everywhere Vancouverties were selling multi million dollar properties and moving on.  Hundreds of thousand have left the unaffordable city known the world over for money launderering, casinos, gang crime and DTES drug abuse and overdose.  Citizens don’t feel safe and the taxation on property is escalating while criminals around the world see Vancouver as a safe place to base their crime sindicates given the soft on crime stance of the present government.

Laura and I talked about people looking for affordable housing given the rising homelessness and middle class using food banks.  

“Probably that’s true I said but I really think the majority are here looking for camping alternatives form their families.”  “No doubt some were there for a place under the bridge. They’d certainly not be buying new for that purpose.”

We we’re actually looking at new units with a thought that if I did get a bus I’d get second hand with low mileable. I wanted to see lay outs and think of trading in my 40 foot fifth wheel toyhauler for a bus if I just want to travel.  The thing is my camper seems the ticket for that type of road trip. The big buses like my RV are really more a base camp. I’m considering using my RV for snowbirding mostly.  It’s great for summer here but it would just take three or four days travelling south and I’d miss the winter here in the north.  

Laura and I had a burger and fries as a break from looking about units. Traveland had the best selection.  I had bought a small unit from them years ago and had only good experience. They are a local family owned business who are really customer oriented. I am sorry I bought one unit from Frazerland because they lied and it really was one of those nightmare experiences people don’ t want to encounter when one is trying to get something to get away from stress,  O’Connor’s was there with their excellent selection . We’ve often bought at their RV supply store and loved service there.  The Tiffin buses were at Traveland along with the Forest River.  Nice Dutchman units there and Rockwood. 

We talked to Atilla who has euro driver training and I’m going to be taking a few mornings of lessons pulling my fifth wheel so I can have confidence with hauling as an option. Not seeing anything in buses better than what I have I decided that I had to just bite the bullet take time off and learn to haul and back up and parking.  I really love my unit but fell afraid of hauling it as it’s 40 feet,. Like my sail boat.  All the anxiety of that will be changed with lessons I’m hoping.  

We loved the day and came home to a dog happy to see us.  I think he knows that this has to do with camping and like us he loves camping.  

Dreams

I dreamed I was in a men’s club with wood panelled walls and leather chairs. I’d been here before in my dreams. It’s part of a greater complex with chandelier dining rooms and large windows looking out on mountains and sea.  There was the scent of marijuana smoke and I may or may not have had a toke. I know I’m resisting this. I’ve not or smoked dope in decades yet I struggle with temptation occasionally.   Dr. Ray Baker the renowned addictionologist was there as well as other mentors of mine sitting in chairs reading newspapers, iPads and books.  No one was drinking. No one was smoking cigars. I was blessed to be in the midst of men I admired and looked up too.  I am welcome there.  I was also welcome in the dining room where crystal and silver place settings were. I had sat in the spiritual lecture and service in a large carpeted room filled with removable chairs and joined in the singing of hymns. I was so uplifted when I woke.  I love this place and the sense of belonging.  I feel like a student again.  It’s the glass bead game.  I’m apart of.  There is such beauty and serenity there.  

New day, Laura and Madigan, RV Show

I awoke with my dogs head resting on my neck.  A beautiful girl was in the bed beside me. I’d been dreaming of a quad that transformed into a fast boat and how I was able to leave that and run across the water with Madigan running on water behind me. I awoke as I was looking in a country community hall, my dog beside me.  I sure did love running across the water.

Today is the Abbotsford RV show.  We’re looking at busses. I’ve a big RV.  Dad who had a bus said he wished he’d bought a fifth wheel because they can separate. He’d had to have repairs on the bus once and stayed in a hotel for a couple of days.  I thought I’d follow his advise and love my Fifth Wheel but the fact is I can’t even back a utility trailer without a major hassle.  My fifth wheel is just big enough I need to do a road test and exam.  This is good given my poor skills backing up RV’s but I need to do the training and tests with the RV.  There is just so much clutter and I’d have to clean it up for travel before that. I ‘ve been trying to reduce the excess in the storage locker for a few years.  I imagine the idea of getting a bus which I can drive and back up would deal with the clutter as a transfer issue rather than moving it to the storage locker. I’m a bit lazy.  Or efficient.  Naturally I don’t have the money for this but it’s all about manifestation.

When I went to the Motorcycle show I fell in love with the Electroglide and eventually bought one as with the KLM.  I’m trying to manifest a Bus RV. Like the Tiffin Allegra.  I’d pray for that. Right now I have a fifth wheel toy hauler but I don’t see travelling with my harley and vespa.  I’d likely tow my mini or Vespa.  I might also stow my Harley in the south where there’s all year driving. Right now it’s stowed 6 months of the year in winter.  These are my cadillac problems. It gives me purpose in working. I really imagine travelling mostly in my truck camper and pulling my utility trailer if I’m hunting .  I think of the big RV as home away from home.  A base station.  The camper and truck give me joy with or without the utility trailer (Harley/Hondas 4x4/Vespa/inflatable)

I’m really looking forward to camping.  I like getting away from the city. I like walking Madigan off leash. I like waking up and not being in the city.  My big plan for this year is being next winter in the camper in the south virtual working with my star like satelite.

Madigan has been really nice this weekend with Laura over. I bought us both amber earrings when I went for mail yesterday.   I worked half the day and enjoyed my meeting. We watch 1923 episodes with Helen Mirren and Harrison Ford. We’re really enjoying this pre quel to Yellowstone.  I was thinking about Lethbridge again when a fellow told me he was moving there for low house price and small town culture.   My face book friend sends pictures of her riding horses.  

I shared that I have more identity dysphoria than gender dysphoria. I’m on hold. I was considering retiring and heading south to travel the southern states writing like Travels with Charlie. Now 3 years later I’m still headed out of Vancouver but content to be working and accepting of aging. My back injury flare up made ‘male’ activities painful.  Camping , boating, lifting all were less appalling with pain. I’d rather luxuriate and walk about in skirts experiencing the gender adventure.  I seemed to accept myself in bikini swimming in the lake. It’s more true that I want nudity and miss the sailing days.  The freedom of nudity and only having a sarong for being close to others boats. I like the short canvas shorts. So I’d definitely prefer that to ‘female’ attire.  I’m feeling clothing heavy and defining.  I really don’t like ‘dressing like a lawyer or beurocrat’.  This fetish of male society it unappealing. I’ve bought some new material light sweats style pants and new soft fabric shirts that really are comfortable . Even the new men’s underwear is comfortable.  I think I was rejecting the old fashioned work clothes men’s motif and now like the leisure men’s motif. I simply don’t want to be under a truck or in the diesel engine.  Having painted nails makes me think twice about digging in with physical work and potentially hurting my back again. I’m being protective and thankfully my back is much better. I find as I attend meetings and church I’m less lonely and less anxious. As we get out of the Covid disease and later lockdown hysteria I’m feeling better. When I’m anxious I want camouflage.  

I like being with Laura and Madigan. It’s known, It’s comfortable. It’s easy.  

There’s supposed to be snow this week and cold again. I’m ready for the spring promised in a couple of weeks. It’s amazing too that my birthday is coming up and I’m settling into the idea that working and aging are okay. I don’t have the drive to escape and quit after the month in the south. I don’t know how long I’ll take estrogen. The only noticeable difference is slight breast softening. Maybe if I took hormones and became double D it would be great but this is okay, the chest and heart chakra are now more sensitive that n the genital chakra.  But as celibate as I am I’m not willing to become an abstinent monk again. Yet the LGBT community is so materialistic and I find that my attraction is more to the spiritual and abstinent.  I want to pray and meditate more rather than sleep with people male or female.  I’ve had a good life sexually and today want to write and experience again the joys of teh intellectual life. I’m pleased to be free of the old taboos and continue to learn my own judgemental ness and control issues. I’m looking at aging as joining the invisible folk gaining acceptance an letting go of the past to fully embrace the present.  

Life is good. God is good. God is all. God is good all of the time.  Thank you Jesus.  

Journal, Estrogen, Work, Gratitude

I continue to journal, a bit irregularly recently.

I’m working and accepting that. If I wasn’t working I’d be driving about in my truck and camper or pulling the RV to different spots to write and study.  My plan is to be in my camper in the south next winter so I’m happy with the present.  We’re having the last bout of February winter before spring. I’m not happy with winter and cold. I’ve concluded that I don’t want to face more winters with the unhealthiness I’ve experienced in winter so I’m going to head south next winter. Three months would be the ideal.  December , January and February working virtual in the south.  The rest of the year I’m happy here. I like the clinics.  There are virtual doctor groups but I’ve no need for change. I have the training in military legal medicine to work virtual from places like Puerta Rico but I like my life.

I keep thinking that my life is tied to Lauras’ in a sense. Ideally she and I and the dog would take three months off when her doctor finishes work and we could travel with the camper through the southern states.  I don’t know if I can wait that long. It’s just comforting to know that this year I have this working plan for a year or two yet. 

I’m supposed to write books.  I’ve three on the go but little energy to write with all the work.  

Seeing patients is unsettling. I’m not immune to their mood or ideas and daily they disturb whatever peace I find in prayer and meditation. I get started on a book and am derailed by a call.  It’s all okay. I enjoy being of service.  I like the structure and work .  I really like the patients and colleagues and staff.  

I’m unhappy with the communist slide that Canada is taking along with the economic mismanagement of the country and criminal activities of the unethical puppet idiot PM.  

I am uplifted by Elon Musk and the space program. I love the advances of science.

I take delight in watching the antics of family.

I love my men’s meetings and enjoy the colleagiality. I love the doctors meetings and AA.  I enjoy the church and wish I was more active sometimes.

I don’t seem to have time.   I watch way too much time in the evening and do hope to get one night doing tai chi. I walk the dog an hour or more each day and have pretty consistently been swimming 2 or 3 times a week. My back pain is much less and chiropractic visits and stretching have really helped.  I am hopeful and don’t feel I’m physically deteriorating.  

I do look forward to riding the Honday 420 Rancher this spring. Bear hunting opens April 1 and while I’m no longer keen on bear hunting, even hunting has less appeal, I look forward to quadding about the wilderness with my camera and dog.

Laura and I are planning camping weekends this spring.  My camper will be repaired in the next weeks. We’re off to look at buses at the RV show this weekend.

I like wearing lose clothes and all day long am dressing casually.  I like estrogen and enjoy feeling the minor physical effects. I imagine this is good for my prostate and that the mild hypotensive decreases my bp and helps my heart. I had some nocebo fears after the sudden deaths following Covid and feared the vaccines and Covid in the air had increased my risk of heart disease. These fears are minor.  I’m looking forward to my birthday.  This has been a pretty spectacular year travelling to Scotland, England and France in the spring and then Arizona and Mexico in the fall.  I really am looking forward to returning to Mexico

I think a lot about gender dysphoria. Mine is directly associated with anxiety.  When I’m relaxed and calm without work and threats I’m fairly euthyroid and neutral regarding gender. The physical decline in my defensive masculine capacity makes me think that theere’s safety in cammo. There’s the sexual addiction aspect potential, I’m rather mild in this regard but I don’t feel my back would allow me to ‘ravage’ a young woman again and my erectile dysfunction though responsive to viagra is intermittent. Relaxed it’s not present but faced with any anxiety and it’s unreliable.  I don’t feel any desire to be proactive either so the passivity is a factor. I imagine if I became more physically active and lost some weight and put on muscle I’d be less au femme and more au drab. In a country where men are liked and appreciated I might lose all interest in the anima.  Yet here in the office mode and working so much with the emotions and fearful of offending everyone and everything and constantly condemned as ‘toxic’ I’m at ease in a skirt and self indulgent thinking of my comfort rather than thinking of caring for others. Having lived a life of service and thinking first of others I find that in the feminine role I can be hedonistic and self centred thinking of my own comforts as the women I’ve known intimately have .  I suspect I’m still rocking and reeling from the diabolical divorces and betrayals and the lack of children and the desire of women to abort children. Having my child aborted and being raped by a man have left an indelible mark therapy doesn’t seem to change. On the other hand I’m clear minded and these concerns are compartmentalized.

I live a fairly circumscribed moderate life despite the freedom I have.  I’ve had great potential andd used it My question now is how best to serve God. What does God want. What is the next step.  It’s all okay. I’ve surrendered my will to God and don’t need to worry about the future for God will show me the way.

I’m very grateful for my life today. I’m thankful for my health and work and family and friends. I’m very blessed.  Thank you Jesus.  

.

Weekend with Laura and Madigan in lust

Laura came for the weekend arriving at the door while I was still working in the office. Madigan was beside himself.  Barking and circling till I came to let her in.  I was delighted to see her smiling her. It has been a month and Madigan was not pleased. More she’d been with his nemesis, Molly, her sister’s dog. I’m convinced the smells overwhelmed him as long as the long absence.  

For two days and overnights despite long walks and constant admonisions from us both he was sneakily preparing to grab her arm and hump her. At night he was uncontested. The incestuous little demon was humping her leg in the bed while biting my comforter. She pushed him off dozens of times while I slept but when I woke I sent him out too. I put him in a room and he barked.  We have neighbours. 

He snarled at me and appeared about to bite when I dragged him out of the room. Morning came and we were both exhausted by he had all the energy in the world with crazy eyes.  If you didn’t know ‘dog in love’ you’d think he was rabid. We kept fluctuating from thinking he was mad or bad. Several times we thought of taking him to the vet. However he’d been this way before when Laura returned from parting but it only went on a night.  

The next night I leashed him to my wrist and slept on the couch. Laura had a good night’s sleep and in the morning he was like he normally was, over his manic psychotic, panic state.All the shallow breathing and low growling was gone and the werewolf was back to dog.  We has a lovely sunday as a family.  I’d barbecued steak Saturday night and pork chops Sunday night. 

We watched Babylon the movie with Brad Pitt and Robbie enjoying it immensely. We also watched NCIS Hawai episodes and had walks together with the dog. We visitted the ducks and geese a good hour walk. He was fine on the walks and meal times but the minute we were sitting reading he was werewolf and was repeatedly jumping on Laura when I left the room or turned my back. She’d fend him off but he really was a perfect rendition of the rapists , he’d grab her arm with his forepaws and mount her leg or side.

“I remember Shinto going through a phase like this and then that adorable pointer presented and he thereafter was only interested in dogs. Gilbert had an intense love and lust affair with poor Aim but grew out of it at a year.  I think Madigan is delayed because of the isolation of Covid and lack of socialization. Even Stuart went through a phase but he had lots of play time with other little dogs.  Madigan has had his little girlfriend, Peter’s Luka and others but they’ve always been supervised.”

“I’m wondering about neutering him.  If those keeps on. The problem is un-neutered its hard to get him in day care. Un-neutered males are attacked by the neutered males and create problems in dog spas.”  

“I don’t know.

He’s also had a horrible time with his matted coat and bad encounters with groomers till Dr Beiranacki took him in and Sabrina shaved him with some anesthetic assistance. He was really confused after that. It probably didn’t help I spanked him when he started getting up on the table. Top dog stuff. He even marketed the doorway something he’d not done in a year.  

Then yesterday he was back to normal. I wondered if Molly’s smell remained on Laura.  All in all it was an ordeal but Sunday was great.  That night we were able to sleep in the bed and he slept at the bottom of the bed as normal

Laura headed out in her smart little red smart car and we waved her good bye looking forward to her return next weekend for the Abbotsford Tradex RV show.  Our routines are coming again with spring.  Everything is getting better with spring.  It’s been a hard winter with toilet plugged and weeks of weekends having it worked on, the terrible freezing and snow and ice.  On the weekend it was raining but nice rain. The sun is up in the morning and at the end of the day there’s still sun.

“We are going to live another year if we survive Februrary’.  Laura said.

We’re making it.  I’m digging myself out of the costs of repairs and all the dues and extra payments and horrible inflation and taxes. My heating costs doubled like the driving costs.  So many patients depressed and angry and with constant Trudeau’s lies, corruption and ineptness there seemed no light on the horizon.

Meanwhile the men and my meetings and the doctors in my group and even church have kept me hopeful.  Now Laura and I are back together.

I find when she’s here I’m comfortable au drab.  Canada is an anti male castrated country with all the toxic masculinity and dead beat dads propaganda and the lying radical feminists but the vast majority aren’t aligned with that communist credo.  I hate the constant threats and with anxiety don’t fight anymore. Whenever I’ve stood up to the injustice of the government I’ve been punished financially and personally for years after. I win battles but at what costs. Even defending abused patients takes its toll as the industry’s of  corruption  is so entrenched. It’s soul destroying to see the evil rewarded and promoted in this country with such weak leadership and crime so celebrated.  

Meanwhile I’m plugging away.  Inflation has eaten a third of all Canadian savings as our country plunges into third world economics.  I see Elon Musk as hopeful. His exposed of the lies and corruption of the FBI and Hillary Clinton campaign and abuse of TWitter is so refreshing. The abscess is exposed and might well be lanced. They continue to ondear the pedophilia ring that infiltrated the FBI like it did the Vatican.  Trudeau seems central.  He prances about like a male Kardasian taking selfies and lying and gaslighting.

I’m facing another week of work.  I already miss Laura.  Madigan is in the other room wailing with mournful yowls.  I had to go and comfort him twice.

Laura and I talk of the relief we’ll feel when I have my camper repaired and we can head out into the woods.  We’ve had such joy in the camper by the rivers and lakes barbecuing and enjoying the wood smoke and pines smells. The sky is so clear at night and the stars such a wonder. We read and Madigan gets to run about off leashing sniffing everything. I’ll get the 4x4 out too and drive about back woods taking pictures carrying a gun for target practice if anything.  We have that ahead of us.

I think of a sex change and there’s little appeal in the association of the clubbing and clothing and make up.  I like women’s clothes as lighter than male attire but I’ve bougjt ht some new duds that are as comfortable. When Laura’s present I’m into a long line of fine memories and times together remembering the old Jewish saying. a man without a woman is not a man. I miss my mensch mentors.  I miss the older men who have guided me in recent years. They’ve died and I don’t do grief well.  Women and men friends dying and aging facing me.  Antonioo’s funeral was this weekend and I didn’t go because I hadn’t RRSVP’d and instead saw Dr. Ready the chiropracter. He’s been amazing.  I’m walking without pain now.  We walked over an hour After the first time in months I was able to extend my walking to over a half hour. I’d been down to less than a block when the pain would strike. Now I’m experineing stretches of relief.  Time and stretches and spring coming and Dr. Ready all helping.

I am if truth be told coming out of a depression.  Uplifted I feel manly and want to go out and climb mountains and hunt and fish but depressed I want to lie at home or at most isolate.  

I’m thankful.  I haven’t had time yet to get to a show I’m looking forwards to. I’m drifting country from the city and my hope is to travel with camper and truck . I saw the museums and art galleries last year and imagine I’d love another trip to NYto see the Museum of Art and Met.  For now I’m looking forward to spruce trees and the call of the loon.  

Thank you Jesus.  

Sunday, Feb. 5, 2023

It’s hard to believe how stymied I was last month, overwhelmed with work, lonely, toilet repairs going on a month, extreme cold and ice, twice the heating bill, inflation rampant, incompetent government, continuing explosure of the corruption and lies of Washington and Ottawa. The WEF and UN contempt of justice and the little guy. Totalitarianism and censorship blossoming. War in Ukraine and threats of nuclear war and Xi Jinping just waiting to invade Taiwan while Kim of North Korea wants to blast the west coast and Tokyo with missiles.  Depressing times.

Then Madigan ‘s coat was so matted and he was so upset that he couldn’t be groomed.

 When I’m anxious I want to change my identity and hide as a girl.  The war continues. 

Then today I’m rested .  I’m caught up on all the work and fear.  I’ve paid off the overdraft that came with all the dues and taxes.  It really causes me anxiety since the aggression of millionaire ex’s was to wipe out my bank accounts and leave me in debt for a business that failed because she didn’t show up for work.  She’d tried to kill us and now she ruined us but she had allies and millions and I was the scapegoat. I’d worked my way always to this place where I worked more to pay off her debts and my poor choices.  I gave up drinking and smoking dope and no longer was attracted to women who were drunk and stoned. Surprise, the wreckage of the past slowly cleaned up.  I no longer bought houses women took and I focused on work, service, sobriety, spirituality, sailing, motorcycling and hunting.  This year I hope to fish more. 

 I was ready for retirement and passed the normal age but continued. I like my work. I like the service. There’s such a shortage. I liked the clinics and patients and colleagues.  

In Covid alone and isolated I enjoyed cross dressing, marking time, having a private adventure with identity and exploring the anima.  I looked at the cardinal vices and considered that true I might have some lust.  My sexual fantasies became submissive. “I want to be seduced.”  I had this back pain made worse with sex and intermittent erectile dysfunction related to the level of anxiety I was feeling. I felt tremendous stress having a ‘different opinion’.  Disagreeing with the lies of the Communist Chinese, WHO, UN, WEF and especially Trudeau and Tam was constantly scarey.

I tried and still try everything in my power to ‘be not afraid’.  I limit media exposure. I avoid. But then I have a rifle outlawed and I’m collectively called a criminal.  I’m repeatedly having intrusive thoughts of the man who threatened to kill me and my dog who went to the authorities and complained he was the victim and they said I shouldn’t upset him.

I want to run away.  Just getting up and facing this victim culture is terrifying.  ‘Toxic Masculinity’. They scream at me.  “White priviledge’.  

I remember my Jewish friend who told me he was poor from a poor family and had just worked all his life but was constantly smeared as a Rothschild.  

False accusations are the norm in Canada.  The government senior official claimed ‘Women don’t lie about sex’.  Trudeau says the ‘budget will balance itself’.   The Washington Capital open the White House and invite the protestors to come in.  The FBI not the Russians create the Russiagate scare.  Meanwhile Trump is portrayed as ‘unstable’ and yet his running mate Mr. Pense is the most solid admirable uprighteous man in the history of politics and  Trump hires a 4 star general as a chief of staff.  Now we’ve got Biden who when he isn’t lying is confabulating and hires a transvestite for nuclear weapons who keeps getting caught stealing women’s clothing in airports.  This stuff can’t be made up. Reality is stranger than fiction.  Meanwhile the media is just propaganda with as much truth as world wrestling matches.  

For years Dr. FAuci , the greatest Nocebo, in the history of medicine was saying you’re going to die and then insisting on vaccines whose validity was clearly not like Rabies Vaccines or Measles or any vaccine to date. The authorities didn’t trust them because despite 2 vaccines and 2 boosters I was told by Trudeau and Tam that I had to have a negative test in Paris or I couldn’t return to Canada.  

The whole Freedom Convoy story may as well have been written by Pravda.  Emergency Measures act for peaceful protestors.  Government plants with Nazi signs.  A Prime Minister who wouldn’t talk to these middle class businessmen called racists and overall the lie of ‘Climate Emergency’.  

My patients can’t pay the rent and are going to food banks. They’re not going to hospital with heart attacks and they are offered euthanasia under the euphemism “Maid” as they age with depression over the horrible plight of the elderly in Canada because patients on half the pension they worked for and earned was stolen by Trudeau and they’re given death instead of treatment for mental illness.  

I don’t listen to the news. I look at social media. I watch tv ‘stories’, read occasional articles and books , attend lectures but the constant litany of lies and negativity seep through the defences.

Last month I was having flash backs to past trauma, the punishment I experienced reporting the death of a patient through negligence and the cover up by the doctor who was alone of theirs. I thought I’d be thanked. No . I was hounded forever. The anxiety at the night death threats.  The nightmare of those days. It comes back to haunt me. I have nightmares. They came back. Then it was over.

The sun came out . The weather improved. Kelvin from Travco fixed my toilet and I stopped having poop hoses snaking through my home, weekends of work and hope.  Then the cleaning ladies arrived and it all smelt better and was fresher. Then Dr. Bieranacki and Sabina at North Shore Veterinary groomed Madison.  Then I got paid and I could pay off my overdraft. All those triggers. All those reminders of the horrors of the past.  The corrupt government and the lies and abuse so akin to the gaslighting and falsehoods of Trudeau. I experienced those and know the bullying and survived it just like I did the broken toilet

I pray and mediate and try to trust God. I know that this is all God. I know that the message of Job is it’s all GOD. I know Jesus said ‘do not be afraid’.  But I pray for fair winds. I’ve survived hurricanes and breakdowns. I’ve crashed motorcycles and been betrayed by my closest friend.  

I’m old now. Shit happens. If ever there was a better message for that than a frozen broken toilet pipe.  Shit happens.  

We move on.

The past is past. My mind focuses unfortunately on the negative. My ex wife was only trying to kill me in the last year. For years she was the love of my life. Yet she sabotaged and undermined all our plans as she wanted to live in the city and had lied about wanting to live in the country.  A lie to marry.  “I let you believe that  because I knew you’d come to your senses and want to live in the city. “ I closed my practices twice and followed the lead of the women in my life only to be called misogynist because ‘all men are’. I was the ‘wife’ and yet labelled as the ‘chauvinist’.  I rather liked the years of sailing and homesteading till I heard this old rich doctor lady claiming she was dominated by me.  She’d hit me. Yet some girlfriend was claiming that I hit her.  It was the lies after.  It was her black outs and rages and unwillingness to get treatment for cocaine and alcohol.  Instead I was blamed .  Men are accountable and women are victim.  All this victim culture and identity politics.  

My mind betrays me.  I have to force it to see that the shit is the manure for all the wonderful flowers in my life that I forget when I want to be the victim. I’m sorry I wasnb’t a better husband and friend. I’m sorry now that I made so many mistakes .  I am sober and made amends but the truth or facts remain.  I have never hit a woman but I have black eyes and bruises and been attacked by violent women, wives and patients yet the courts insist men are violent and women are victims.  

Obvious its all in the narrrative. Two hopeful people married and it didn’ t work and the government and courts are the parasites on love.  

That was then. This is now.  Now is great. The intrusive thoughts and nightmares flooded my mind last month .  Now I’ve this great times and am sleeping hours more and even rode my Vespa and my back injury with the sciatica which only had me walking half a block at most has lifted. Lots of hard physio and thanks to the chiropratic care of Dr. Ready and reassurance of Dr. Antonious and Dr. Watersom I was able to walk an hour yesterday. It’s been three months healing and it still hurts and I’m a bit fragile and often stiff but a couple of Tylenol handle the pain which was constant and kept me awake despite sometimes 10 ketorolac.  I woke every night with pain for weeks having to stretch and take muscle relaxants , robaxisal and naproxen to be able to get back to sleep.  Now that’s behind me. A week at New Years in Whistler living in the hot springs spread up the process walking the dog longer distances each day.

Now here I am grateful. I’ve bitched and complained and admitted my insanity,. I’ve given myself some self care and it’s all better.  I don’t know how I’d have worked through this if I hadn’t had an escape to Mexico and that month of working in the dessert .

Now I’m grateful. Thank you God for carrying me through this tough time.  I am so blessed and must trust more and have faith.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do when I grow up.  

I imagine if I were to retire today I’d travel with my truck and rv. I have lots I want to see .  I imagine writing books on the road. I always loved Steinbach’s Travel’s With Chalry.  I know that so much of the cost of my present life is due to my working.  When I’m not working there is so little stress and costs  plummet.  The heating cost living here is outrageous and the cost of rent and living are perhaps the highest in the western civilized world.  I imagine that I could camp in the country and live a much a much more affordable existence.  

How much money do I need to ‘retire’?  I don’t know.  I came back from sailing from Hawaii and imagined sailing again so had my boat moved to the east to head out for the Atlantic before my back became limited and I was weaker and then Covid .  I could still sail to Iceland or South America though I’d rather drive and park in the woods than beeat anchor today.  I like land.  I let go of all my scuba diving gear and yet I imagine I’d like a snorkel to continue spear fishing and underwater photography.  Mostly I’d like to sit at cafe’s and people watch. I loved being in Ireland with Laura. She’d leave me at a cafe and go off exploring shops.  I love sitting with the dog on Commercial Street people watching and writing journal drivel. It’s a skill to ‘stream of conscious’. I once wanted to share that what we think and what goes on in our minds and hearts wasn’t what made us crazy but rather what we ‘did’. But now with censorship and the truly frightening totalitrarian small brain twit Trudeau at the helm we really are going to have to give up everything but accepting we living in a paranoid world. 1984.  Life in a Concentration camp with Jordan Perterson’s case the bird in the mine.  A little light of freedom.

Scots whae hay with Wallace.

I was thankful that Adell found our great great great grandfather born in 1750 .  The lineage is amazing.  I want to go back to Aberdeen again and visit the immediate neighbourhood where he grew up.  I’ve visited the grave of my great grand father on my mother’s side and was very close to the grave of my great grandfather on my father’s side.  I’d like to focus more on such fun.  

I want to surrender. I don’t want to fight any more. I dont’ want to be threatened by Trudeau freezing the bank accounts of Canadians who disagreed with his corruption and tyranny. I don’t want to be bullied and threatened with euthanasia but these rich thugs. I don’t believe Epstein suicide. I don’t believe Trudeau when his lips are moving.

I must trust in God. God is all or nothing. This too will pass. One day at a time.

Today I’ve slept in, had a great night’s sleep , woke to indoor plumbing and warmth, meditated and prayed and done the stretching exercises. I’ve made coffee. Yesterday I bought Sidamo coffee from Ethiopia and roast the beans. I ‘be had three cups of coffee and granola. I’ve participated in the international doctors groups and chatted by testing with Laura, showered and washed Madison.  He was shivering but he’s dried out now.  

I don’t know what I’m going to do next. It’s 1 30 on a Sunday.  There’s lots I “should do’ but nothing I must do. I have a clean slate and its raining so riding my Vespa doesn’t seem so attractive.  I am truly blessed. It’s a wonderful day. I’ve purged the past yet agin. Writing it down will hopeful stop it from reminding me of it. It’s recorded .It’s past. I have to day make good memories. All shall be well.

A nap might be a good idea.  I like naps. 

Thank you Jesus for all your love and care. 

Saturday Morning, Slept in

I am always surprised at how tired I must have been when I sleep in. It was 830 when I awoke and during the week I’m up at 7. Work is hard. I’m tired. It’s like decades of seeing patients and cheer leading, rallying, exploring, uncovering, suggesting, recommending catches up on me 

Today though ,rested and faced with a blank slate of a day, I’m feeling quite awesome.

I struggle with the identity and gender dysphoria.  So much time alone with Covid and a minor aspect of itself grew. I was thankful to be able to live cross dressed for a month like the week the year before I had in that way a year before.  I imagine post retirement if I ‘d like to be known as a tranny.  I’ve had this whole other identity. Or self based on my masculinity and function. Yet my government continues to castrate me and my fellow citizens seem like Lord of the Flies to cheer on the killing of the men who carried this country this far.  The administration take credit for all the suffering and sacrifice I did as a doctor and they are intent on destroying professions and unions to create dictatorship with it’s emblem of the ‘one man’ and the rest of us are women. The communist anti family ideology, anti women, and only select men is growing.

I think to leave Canada and go to Texas. I tend to go with the group. Among good men I’m good.  Among bad men I’m not so bad. I’m not stalwart. I once was but the punishment I experienced by the government for morality and ethics has been overwhelming. My mentors have no idea of the loneliness and horror I experienced for doing the right thing, for standing up and stopping tyranny.

But the nest is stronger. I have married weak women and at first sign of trouble they’ve pulled away and gone back to ‘not rocking the boat’.  Canada is ‘apathetic’, the same word used for asylums and prisons.  It’s all of what occurred in Nuremberg.  

I’m physically no longer capable of fighting the young gang members encouraged by the politics of Trudeau. I’ve defended myself  and others from gangs in the past but now the country has disarmed all the good men and put weapons in the hands of the criminals and terrorists.

I’ve cared for the fallen. I’m a war medic in the ideological wars of the day.  I see the suffering of so many and cry at night as there is so little to be done.

I guess I believed there would be time enough to right the wrongs and then I agreed not to fight.

I surrendered.  

My back hurts. I feel like I’m being stabbed in the back.  Obviously all these analogies speak to my own issue. How am I stabbing myself in the back? Is the question the therapist would ask.  Jung saw the characters of  dreams as representing all the people our ourselves.  I am the parent, adult, child but also the emperor and fool.  I’m all the characters in the drama and play of Jesus. I no longer see myself as Jesus which I guess I once did.  I must face the Hitler within.  I am Madonna.  

Now I pray Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you, Blessed are you among all women, blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.   Hail Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and in the hour of our death.

Mom didn’t like the Catholic worship of the woman.  She was fond of God the Father.  

There was a sensuality in Catholicism that was there in the old Judaic traditions of the first 300 years.  The Mother.  Men intellectualize.  They conceptualise ‘original sin’ and the world as ‘idea’ and yet women are ‘flesh’ and ‘flesh is good’. Their bodies produce Jesus. They know the godliness of children.  My female psychiatrist mentor laughed at me angry at the recent politician from hell.  “You don’t realise I am a mother and I just see him as a naughty little boy.  He wasn’t loved or raised well. No one is intrinsically evil.”

My male mentor said there is no ‘black and white’ just shades of grey.

But as a doctor I’ve been hounded by the lowest of doctors, the administrative political doctors whose decisions have caused untold death and suffering but have been censored and protected. Police doctors are no more infallible that any police but the level of perfectionism and scape goating of doctors for their extraordinary fallacies is best described as evil.  Evil is a good word when the amount surpasses human effort and takes on a snow ball effect.

In Lord of the Flies and Clockwork Orange the group frenzy was well described. In the female prison when the girl became insanely defiant and the female guards and older women piled on her the emotion was palpable. The whole ward convalesced. I’d never seen anything like this in the men’s ward.  I supposed a prison riot might have that ‘group ethose’ and I’ve never seen this . Yet this one violent woman incensed the group and the women trying to contain her were themselves almost turned. Having experienced this ‘phenomena’ I appreciate Vampire and Zombie movies. There’s this ‘force’.  Some call it the devil.  Freud called it death wish but he was afraid of the death.

The old school described Satan or the Devil.l

Jesus conceptualised the Devil

I wonder if my ‘alter self’ this somewhat wanton female side of my ,my body, my sexuality, my sinful nature , is succubus. We wish to alienate ourselves from ourselves.s The intellectual man calls his body’s desires ‘character defects’.  They accept a balance. I just read masturbating 21 times a week is good for the prostate.  Women have never discussed how often ‘masturbation’ is okay. There’s no code.  

I’m interested in the dichotomy and how we alienate and demonise the LBGT.  The family and traditiona production of children and the men who are father’s and grandfather s are celebrated to some extent.  Women have children as a old age policy. They create longevity.  They have purpose in children. The mother of Hitler was no less attached than the mother of Churchill. The mother attachment of the wolf is the same as the that of the sheep dog. 

I sailed across oceans, climbed mountains,explored chemistry and the mind and now taking estrogen and wearing bras and panties and trying to see matters from a ‘woman’s point of view’ I’m being an explorer.  So much of female hierarchy is identification with the aggressor or allegiance to the crown. The whole feminist movement is LGBT and the woman that is celebrated in that crowd is not the mother but the teen age girl.  I’m single without children and have spent my life serving the fathers and grandfathers but now as I look at my ‘identity’ as a ‘retired person’ I’ll be single.  I’ve cared for the women and children of so called ‘bad men’. I’ve provided and protected for the lost and beaten.  Yet I don’t know what to do when I grow up.

Black like me , the book, fascinated me.

I was wearing high heels when 4 men cruising Davie street slowed and appeared about to stop and attack me. I felt so vulnerable.

Younger I was raped and frozen. I cried out ‘no’ but it was too late and the man took pleasure in my pain and copious blood flow saying ‘I broke your cherry’ with pride. 

I’ve have talked to women and men whose first encounter with receptive sex was traumatic like mine.  I’ve known kindness and pleasure since and always as a man was gentled and kind and overly concernsed for the woman’s .

When I defended us from violent men leaving the aggressor bleeding on the ground, the women , always critics complained that I shouldn’t have been so harsh. I like women who have grown up in the country, served in the military or had a life of reality, not the Canadian intellectual California girl who likes to get men to fight and wants the winner but but only to dominate him. I ‘be found women afraid of these aggressive women who use men as proxy. I’ve felt sadly beating up some guy whose been ‘sicc’d’ on me by his girlfriend because I’ve refused to ‘fuck her’.  The girl grabs my cock in the hall and I say no I’m marrie and suddenly the stupid thug boyfriend is wanting to fight me after I see her whisper in his ear and pointing at me.  Then the guy says I saw you were coming on to my gf and takes a swing and I kick him in the head and dhe’s down and she’s furious and my gifting is furious and I’m the bad guy.

I actually heard a doctor police say “women don’t lie about sex’.  I actually told my female boss and professor I didn’t want to have sex with her when she told me what she wanted and I said I was married.

My ugly male friends who are mediocre and self aggrandise about their selves never ‘get it’.  

The whole trump and pussy scene was such a crock and outright lie, all those women who have followed their bodies when confronted with powerful men.

There is now female outcry against EVA BRAWN.  The EVA Braun Syndrome is denied in the chauvinist courts where the dirty old men judges condemn falsely accused men and give the young women the wink and nod.

I notice that testosterone is plummeting in Canada since Pierre Trudeau encouraged white women to abort and celebrated communist Castro and anti white anti Christian  Mortgentaller. 

She told me she aborted my baby.  I had no choice.  At least she told me.  I don’t know how many men have not been told and the lie that men don’t want children has been perpetrated along with the ‘dead beat men’ lie,

Meanwhile jealousy is so often the cause of women leaving men 

Now 72 churches have been burnt to the ground last year, persecution of Christians is rampant in Canada, the male clergy are replaced by gays and women, the castrated middle class populations of Canada has been impoverished by criminals in powers and the men whose children have been taken in corrupt courts from them ,are hounded, all the while a movement continues to replace monogramous Christian men, yes not prefett’ with men who have many wives and many children and divorce is rare because women who are not in agreement simply get killed. They call it honor killing.  

I’d rather be a transsexual in Canada and self castrate like the Christian Origen.  If rape is inevitable then it ‘s best to lie back and enjoy it. Surrender.

I have been prepared to leave since before Covid. I thought I could be a man among men where there aren’t labels like ‘toxic masculinity’ and the women like men and manliness and aren’t so angry. All these angry women running to men who think them ‘easy’ and laugh as the take over the countries their rejected men created. 

Maybe I’ll die soon.  I’m uncertain what to do each day and muddle along rejected by women and Canadian men who are now so afraid of the grown gangs of men from tribals societies who will drag them down and gang rape them along with their daughters.  And if we object it’s blamed on climate change and we’re all called racists. 

Is it better to wear panties or Stanfields today.  

Does God only love stoics.  

Personally I believe God loves me and I’m going to heaven and what ever I do I will still see Jesus and be welcomed home.