Today, Friday, May 14, 2021

I am so thankful to reach the unscheduled weekend. I’ve done four days of scheduled meetings and on call time outside the 8 or 9 hour days. I feel sometimes in a tunnel or a factory converter. It’s always a rush and I’m forever apologizing. The systemic problems are massive. A model based on weekly visits and easy follow up is now numerous consults interspersed with months apart visits and emergencies requiring schedule changes. I did a webinar and a sessional focus group. I worry I’m stressed. I look with jealousy on colleagues who seem relaxed and happy. I’m only that way camping. Even these weekends are errands and calls, administration and projects.  I want to wallow in self pity, rage with the sentiments of revenge porn that dominate movies and tv. I want the timelessness of youth, summer vacations, holidays, young love.  I would live my memories. I could easily enjoy a rerun. I’d do it better I hope.  So much angst and pressure.  Relax I might have said but the ‘beatniks are out to make it rich’ really was true. I was forever fighting the status quo to save a life. If only I’d had that hierarchy kiss ass do as I was told thing down. I laughed to hear another doctor say they never had more than 2 borderlines and 2 addicts in their practice at any time because they’re so difficult and demands so much time. Ive made that my practice and have to talk to junior inexperienced arrogant hypocrites as I’ve done my time and duty and didn’t get any medals because they don’t reward us out beyond the wire. I worked with the dangerous insane. What does it mean. It means I’m defending myself from a knife in a hallway hoping to live.  It means I’m one of a group piling on the biggest strongest guy I’ve known trying to kill me and thankful for the head nurse who finally got the needle in the neck.

I’m alone.  I’m meditating and praying. I’m talking to my dog or to God. I’m asking for help and guidance. I want protection. I’m so left with the residual fear of what I saw the corrupt and powerful did. Thank God for Robert Hare’s Psychopaths in Suits. They have nice hair and talk nice and dress like lawyers and have hollow hearts and smile like chameleons.  They are given power because they lack this other thing. This empathy or focus.  They were at Nuremberg. The banality of evil.

My mind slides there.

It’s a sunny day. I’m here with a dog and I’m waiting for a UPS package I think is the new Ipad.  I’ve lots I can do but I’m feeling a motivated.  Lazy was what we used to call that. There’s so much euphemism today it’s hard to understand what people are say. Neutral words. Homogenization. I enjoyed reading.  I could shower and dress. It might be time for another coffee. I have paper work that needs doing. I procrastinate. I’ve calls I could make .  In the four days of work there are constant demands and then this time comes and I just muddle along doing the next right thing.

I had thought to go to the storage locker. Get some of the summer things out and maybe take over some winter stuff. I want to go camping. With Gilbert I’d go int the backwoods and set up a tent and have a cold night and wake to spring frost enjoying the stars and fresh air. So many times I did that in April and Main.  I think about motorcycle camping. With Madigan he’s not ready for a long ride. It would take me a couple of hours to do get up Duffy Lake. I long to do that circle route and camp by the road but I also have this little guy whose still chewing and squirming and causing mayhem.  

I walked him by the river where he’s getting the habit to poop.  It’s a ways away but all week we’ve managed that routine.  I’ve a good morning schedule. My evening falls downs with the cacophony of emotions in the day of work. I used to be better shielded but now it all affects me. Covid.  Thee hot tubs jets used to give me easy. I once cycled after work. Evening classes in theology. Dinners with friends. Meetings. All those ways I had of buffering the despair. Now it’s palpable.  

But today I’m free. I’m relatively happy. The sun makes all the difference. If it gets hot I might be able to lie outside on the deck chair in the sun. Medicinal Vit D. 

I imagine sex would be good.  Some starship holo deck to act out a fantasy without the other. The Chinese sex dolls. How appropriate that the Communists greatest achievement is a wanker device that doesn’t talk back. The leftist is always adolescent intellectual arrogant and knowing what is right. I told a committee that I had been ruined by years of being called to sit in on government designed medical committees in which it was immediately apoparent that the ‘we’d like your input’ meant we want you to rubber stamp our bullshit. We who have half the education and none of your experience want to play administration and impress the people who hired us with our new reshuffling of deckchairs on the titanic.

I carry this negativity and slide into it. I let the resentments take hold of me and suck the joy out of my soul.

I’m watching and my dog just ate the container of food I put down for him two days ago and now he’s chewing on the container.  He’s growing.  He mainly likes to eat what I eat so I eat more steak because that’s good for both of us. I had two salads this week as well. He doesn’t like salad but at least I get some peace eating them. 

He grows smarter each day. I will miss the puppy days but frankly I really liked my older dog. Gilbert, Stuart and Shinto were all such fine companions. But I want a cat. They had the cat as their buddy.  I could have another dog too.  I’d feel less compulsion to be with him all the time.  

Rambling thoughts. Circumstantial and tangential. I’ve two books I’m working on. I ‘should’ be writing. But instead I’m babbling. No focus. I’m not aiming at anything. Today I’m just surviving, recovering from another tough week.  I’m paying bills too. I like that.  I’d like the mortgage paid.  It will be.  I keep plodding forward. Slouching slowly along.

I have noticed the fine wrinkles of sun lines on my face. The sailors sun exposure.

I always think of sex changes. I don’t think of being a woman in work clothes but my anima is the relaxing lounging sensuous half and my warrior animus is weary to the max.  Constant attack by the corrupt cronyism of the psychopaths and sociopaths greedy and evil.  Now I’m too old to fight and accept if rape is inevitable I should lie back and enjoy it. They now call the new ‘obedience’ courses ‘leadership training’.  I’m jaded.

Thank you God for the sun. Thank you for my health today. Thank you for the health of Madigan. Thank you for the health and wellness of family .Watch over the babies and little ones. Take care of the new born and the new mothers. Help our friends in hospital.  Guide me. Show me the way. Thank you for all the blessings you have bestowed on me. Thank you for the gifts of recovery. Thank you for this day. May I continue to help and serve and be guided by your love.  Free my mind of past trauma and memories of old wars and help me to forgive those who hurt me and hurt others.  Thank you Angel Michael. Thank you St. Francis. Thank you St. Thomas. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God of Gods. . Thank you St. Patrick. Thank you all your blessings and the goodness and light that is beyond all understanding. Thank you.