I felt blessed. I prayed. I was with my beautiful friend Laura who is easy on the spirit. Gilbert the blind cockapoo with injured back, valvular heart disease and congestive heart failure was a true source of joy. He had us up all night coughing and struggling to breathe. We phone Dr. Biernacki at North Road Animal Hospital and he told us is was the higher elevation in the Cariboo that had caused it. He upped his diuretic furosemide and Gilbert’s been so much better since. Yesterday he was rolling up and down the hill and playing with his ball. We have a family of ducklings join us each day with their mom and he is just fascinated by their chatter.
We’ve had wonderful heart warming fires and beautiful sunsets. Everyone about has been so civilized.The resort attracts international visitors as well as locals. Rustic cabins in the uptown section and downtown RV camping where we are. Lots of old people and children. Serious fishermen. Not me. I even sought the advise of the great fishing guru, Bill, to no avail. I felt Sentimental hooking the worm. I’d become a vegetarian again but their sentience disturbed me as much when I cut into a zucchini. Not surprising, given my Irish roots, I loved potatoes here. I barbecued steaks and smokies and pork chops and had them with boiled potatoes and sour cream and mashed potatoes. I made bacon sandwiches and bacon and eggs. I’ve enjoyed cooking. I especially love barbecuing. It’s been a wonderful vacation with that sense of cares dropping away.
I’ve worked some. With wifi and cellular service I’ve been able to connect to the Oscar Remote by computer and talk to patients on the phone. It was rainy some mornings and I was able to be of service and help. I only thought about Covid and the catastrophes its brought to some people when I was working. Here its seems another world away. I’ve seen the continuing corruption of Trudeau politics and Communist China and diabolical UN on Facebook but it’s at a distance. The background here is forest, lake and woodsmoke.
This Adventurer camper has provided all the amenities with sewage hook up , running water connection, propane heat and hot water. I’ve really enjoyed reading westerns and sci fi, rich allegories of good against bad. Lots of tribal justice and revenge. I then meditate on faith, hope and love. Forgiveness is always a theme. Letting go. I’m older and still bothered by lustful and fearful thoughts and feelings. I struggle to let go of guilt and shame. Acceptance is a key idea today. I have to remind myself I’ve not stolen millions from hard working Canadians to launder overseas with euphemistic projects, done any abortions or cannibalized my neighbor. On the balance sheet I’ve not been doing too badly especially this week when I’ve mostly been self critical for not getting up early and catching fish or getting up early and writing the great Canadian novel. I’ve been kind of lazy. I have slept in and napped. Walking Gilbert at his pace with his heart condition. I’ve bought a couple of pairs of sandals at Work Wear in 100 mile House. I’ve bought a half dozen fishing lures that would have worked better if I had my line in the water more. I’ve kind of stagnated. Lots of coffee and reading. I’ve enjoyed my little corner here at the table stretching my legs out to rest my feet on the second drawer where I’ve put a cushion to create a self made couch. Laura has done cross words. Gilbert has slept.
I expect this is a kind of proto retirement. It’s a bit like a lot of my older and younger friends do. I’ve thought about life and accomplishments. I put a decade into training at the highest levels and struggle like a number of colleagues and educated friends seeing others rewarded and given positions not on the basis of work and meritocracy but through cronyism and bullying and frank criminal behavior. I would have liked to loot a bigger tv. I obey the law and feel often like the Last Boy Scout. When I’m with Laura I’m comfortable and feel a bit like my old man. I’ve followed in his footsteps, camping, hunting, fishing. He left me his love of the wilderness.
When I’m alone though in the city, I think jazz and traveling to exotic lands. I miss the theatre and television. I gave up a relatively hedonistic life of fun and pleasure for a life of calling and service. That unforgettable moment praying in the University of Winnipeg chapel and my friend inviting me to come along and do the MCAT. I thought Jesus was a healer but I wonder if I’d not have had a better life as a carpenter. I loved Herman Hesse’s Narcissus and Goldmund, discussing that very theme.
When I’m alone though in the city, I think jazz and traveling to exotic lands. I miss the theatre and television. I gave up a relatively hedonistic life of fun and pleasure for a life of calling and service. That unforgettable moment praying in the University of Winnipeg chapel and my friend inviting me to come along and do the MCAT. I thought Jesus was a healer but I wonder if I’d not have had a better life as a carpenter. I loved Herman Hesse’s Narcissus and Goldmund, discussing that very theme.
A lot of the time I think of God and want to be closer, to know his will for me and to have the power to carry it out. I look back on my life these days and it’s been full and exiting. I’ve been truly blessed. I celebrated 23 years of recovery this week and I’m in my late 60’s. For a guy whose been in plane crashes, sailed through hurricanes, been shot at , surrounded by Swat teams, stood up against all manner of social injustice , fought with really bad people and served the highest courts and spent days with Prime Ministers and Generals and Nobel Prize Winners and Olympic Athletes I’ve been truly blessed. God is good all of the time. But I’m never satisfied. I’m always feeling like I’m falling short of what I could be. I don’t want to be crucified like Jesus or his disciples. I’m a wuzz. Part of my reason for liking skirts and hair salons is because I’m old and feel vulnerable as an old man in todays culture and society. I’m like an enlightened worm. Or a smart ant. I loved the metaphors of St. Francis.
I don’t feel protected and don’t feel I can rest on my laurels. I find myself think of Valhalla. I see the old men, the farmers and such, congregating in the MacDonald’s and A&W in the morning and think that may be me soon. I miss my brother Ron and his fish tanks. I miss my father and his fishing. I’ve not the patience and confidence that they had. The men and women with children seem complete. The grandchildren give them meaning and purpose. I’m here with a dying dog and feeling that I’ve failed. It’s all in the self pity. I’ve tried my best but been way laid by evil and corrupt bureaucrats and systems. Years of my life I’ve defended myself against lying psychopathic women and men. I’ve been so disturbed that I’ve been caught in their low life games. I wanted to play the Glass Bead Game not Days in our Life. There are times I’ve felt I reached for the stars but looking back so much has just been slogging through the mire of human existence. It’s all perspective and I’ve lived in fear and resentment and muddle. There’s no merit in beating myself up. It’s tied to envy. I judge my insides by others outsides.
Now we’re leaving here. Packing up and moving to a lower elevation for the sake of Gilbert’s heart and lungs. It’s an unknown destination. We had booked this week but on a whim and due to the days July 1st came we took another week of vacation. I’ve not known this amount of unscheduled open time in years. Again I think of this as a what retirement might well be like. Like a summer vacation in school days and each day an open slate. This truck and camper is like a land yacht and I actually enjoy it more than my sailboat, the land appealing more to me with better wifi and hook ups and the culture of Good Sam RV world. My parents loved the RV world and it’s a more appealing lot than the yachting world. I like the motorcycles and quads and all the dogs. Life is good. I am very grateful. Now I must get stowed and on the road.
Thank you God for another day in paradise. BC is God’s country and the views are just constant eye candy. Thank you Jesus.
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