I’m in a pissy mood.
Time to count my blessings. The best dog in the world, sick though he is, lies on the floor sleeping. The most beautiful woman in the world is in my bed. I’m in a warm a dry place with rain outside letting up and streaks of blue sky showing. I’ve got this great Ethiopian coffee with BC Honey and Canadian pasteurized milk. I’m writing on an incredible Apple Ipad. I shaved with a Braun electric razor. I have indoor plumbing. I have red brown toenails and had the utter luxury of a pedicure the day the nail stores open. I’ve bifocal glasses and blue frames I like. The heater is keeping the temperature cozy. I’m burning Sandalwood incense from India. I’ve a hot shower waiting and clean clothes. I’ve a magnificent trail in the woods by a river I walk Gilbert each day. I’ll be doing that later.
The colours outside are wonderful. The greens of the trees and shrubs of Burnaby are the most lustrous. I’ve always loved the happy vegetation in the rain forest of the coast. I don’t like the rain or the gloom but I love the happy forest. The colours of green are radiant. It’s reminiscent of the emeral island of Ireland.
All around me in this room are possessions and tools I love. Over there is a really neat flashlight. I’m older and have learned in a long life to value quality so most of the little items I have, have history and quality, like the Henkel knifes. I wonder how old I was before I realized through trial and error and experience that Henkel were my favourite. It’s true with so many things. Lots of choices out there but I love my Nikon and the go pro on the table. I have a Harley Davidson wallet. On the floor are KEEN sandals. It’s not the name brand which lures the consumer but the quality that lures me. I am thankful for the experiences that allows me to know quality too.
I have had a good life. I”ve regrets. No children. Angry ex wives. Divorces. The average marriage is 5 years. I’ve had two ten year marriages and spent 25 years living with women, nearly 50 years in intimate relationship with women, The Feminist hate men, Never good enough for them. That’s the trouble with activists in general. Nothing is good enough,ever. I have friends who have avoided it all. MGTOWs.
I’ve had sex with men and women. I’ve had friends for life and new friends, great men and women. I’ve been unconventional yet I’ve been highly successful by some standards. I never am satisfied. Im am constantly self questioning, critical, but by world standards I’ve done well.
One of the problems I face is Trudeau always criticizes and condemns Canadians. He’s always shaming. The media is constantly criticizing and condemning Canadians too. The Media has taken the place of the old priests and nuns who cried ‘fire and brimstone’. Then the sins were sex out of marriage. Today the sins are not staying home. I linger in the store looking at a new item and realize I’ve sinned. I stand too close to a person and realize I’ve sinned. I eat meat. I talk about sexuality while the new sharia code of Canada has plunged us back into the dark ages.
Every woman is triggered and sexually harrassed by the presence of men. I have sinned by being male and want to have a sex change to atone for my evil. I delivered a hundred babies and did 2 abortions. By the holy of holy and high priest of Canada I have 98 abortions to do before I balance the books. The Pharisees are in and Christians are out. I’m sinning when I talk of God. I sin when I wear a cross. I have to listen to Climate Barbie and I am offensive for calling that silly prig by a school boy title. I’ve sinned because the whole Liberal cabinet seems like greedy criminal morons and I am not worshipping the pretty boy god.
If I lived in another country which celebrated a life of service and telling the truth and traditional values and treated ones personal life as eccentricities as it’s not harmed any other adult, things might be different. . Certainly whatever I said in anger to my ex wives was said tenfold over by them. Rolling eyes and cutting tongue and castrating words. My last wife high on cocaine tried to kill us repeatedly. I’m lucky to be alive. But I’m to blame. The latest black guy killed by a police, who wasn’t a good guy, but the black guy was a life long violent criminal, but I’m viewed as worse than these. A perfectionist code of intolerance by the secular society.I’ve worked and served and studied and cared for people and paid hundreds of thousands in taxes, had no pension, had no benefits, worked in the most appalling dangerous circumstances, with the most dangerous and sick and infectious people and my government condemns me. For a while they beat pans outside for hospital workers but the liberals give themselves a raise and the Prime Minister doesn’t even go to work .
I’m twisted by the whole monstrosity of the news. Meanwhile Tibetans were genocided by the Communist Chinese. 10, 000 soldiers have invaded India. China unleashed a virus on the world, killed and tortured doctors and my government gives them money. Rewards them while taking my property and increasing my taxes.
Whatever good I do I will be punished by my government. My government hates doctors. Locally it is good. Nationally it is not. I am confused. Everything is uncertain. I want to loot a store and steal stuff that the government doesn’t know about and bury it. I want to stockpile weapons like the aboriginals. I want to hide gold and diamonds like my Jewish and Vietnamese friends are doing. I wonder if I should get Dr. Lovely the dentist to drill a molar and put a diamond in my tooth because that’s what my patients did to escape the communists in Vietnam. Should I leave Canada and go to the states. The smart Jews got out of Germany before the Nazi’s took complete control. I want to run but I have so many family and friends here. I miss my boat. I’d like to sail away with a dog and a horse. I’d settle for a donkey.
I’m going to read the Bible. Reading God’s word comforts me. I loved when Dr Houston, a colleague of C.S. Lewis, former chancellor of Regent college told me to read a psalm a day. I read psalms when I’m disquieted. I ride my motorcycle and enjoy the wind therapy. I hug Laura close and enjoy the softness of her skin and the warmth of her body,the fragrance of her hair. I rub my dogs body. I sit very still with my back straight and repeat the name of Jesus. God within. God will come again. God as friend and advocate.
I know it’s all now. Linear history is an illusion, a construct of the mind. The past is changing making the whole idea of time travel suspect given the infinite number of dimensions and possibilities. I suppose there are main highways. The study of ‘pruning’ in neurodevelopment changes perceptions that one has. I’ve studied chemistry and live in a soup of air and nitrogen and oxygen. I perceive my reality differently than others it seems. I’m sometimes Tron. I know the world to be God and that I am in the mind of God as if it were Malkovich’s head. I’m in James Carrie’s God set. It’s all Star stuff. I read the code of genetics and then coded on the computer. It’s just poetry. Binary. Positive and negative.
Multiverses and language. Laws of attraction. Maybe if I think only of God I’ll rise . Lazy Man’s Guide to enlightenment. We’re in heaven when we can love hell. The book of job, least taught in the Bible. I can’t tell people I’m rocketed into the 4th dimension. Their fear holds them terrified in place. They drink and drug and don’t realize the terror they live in when to be with friends they need the equivalent of a hundred mg of Valium just to be present. I’m a raw process of the informatics of the universe. God is here with me. Jesus is here with me. The future is not yet made. I need to pray.
Then when the future isn’t puppy dogs and rainbows I beat myself up. It’s the collective wish of the world. Right now the angry and hateful want war and change and destruction and I’m kind of wanting peace. I’ve been a peacenik all my life, billy clubbed back in the sixtie’s and then hated by the Pollyanna faction that wanted to unilaterally disarm when I was anti nuclear war. Now I’m surrounded by people who want the UN and China to take over just to stop America. I have talked to the torture victims of Communist countries and seen how many go missing. The faults of here are it seems worse there. I am being censored on FB already for saying God so can imagine it’s not going to be a bright future for us poor people. The elite have always loved the dictatorships of the Middle East and communist china.. But it doesn’t look good for me. I’m too old for war. I’m too old for Venezuela rationing.
I’m not going to be able to get medicine for my dog. They eat dogs in China. People criticize the Chinese for eating bats but Communist countries are known for their empty shelves. Insects are not peoples’ first choice in food. I had a magnificent succulent steak last night. This is first world. I enjoyed White Spot fish and chips last week. Canadians who want communism haven’t left their Toronto and Montreal latte conversations about Huffington Post. They worry about make up. They condemn me because they ‘group speak’ . Ideas are ‘fashion statesments’.
My mind is like a ping pong game. Love - Fear. Love 0 - fear 4. I’m catastrophising. I’m watching all the cognitive distortions I teach in CBT and then I wake and dreamed of having a deformed body and being tortured and ridiculed in a nursing home. After all the deaths in nursing homes and visiting so many and seeing the military barracks like approach in some I’ve woken from a nightmare where I’m faced with Nurse Kravitz. My unconscious is polluted by the fear mongering media even though my rational mind says it’s going to be okay.
David was surrounded by his enemies and he was at war in Israel. Over and over again in the psalms he calls on the Lord. Please God guide me.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for thou art with me.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou prepareth a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointed my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwel in the house of the Lord for ever.’
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