Faith

I prayed this morning for protection.  I expressed my anxiety and asked for help.  I shared my wealth of worries with the Lord and asked that he show me the way. I asked that I be safe from attack. I sounded to myself like David or like St. Patrick.                   

I experience life these days as war.  Everyone seems ready to take offence. Their personalities and attitudes are like quick draw guns and swords. I feel like I’m walking in a 17th century town with countless soldiers looking for a reason to run me through. 

I’m politically incorrect. I don’t share your urgency about this, that or the other flavour of the week rallying cry for action against the government and demand for more largesse.  I hear Buffalo Springfield, Kent State, People carrying signs. Mostly say, hooray for our side!”

I’m tired. I”m admittedly old. I never thought I’d live half this long. I have had adventures, fought and loved and climbed mountains and sailed seas. I’ve looked in pond water with a child’s microscope and at the stars with the great telescopes of our time. I’ve gone to NASA and Bethlehem. 

I’ve survived. I’ve had countless days and weeks and months of okay times and really great time. I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I’ve learned that mostly I’m constricted by my own perceptions. 

I’ve been mauled by the language police, thought police and emotion police. These government bodies have ripped into my joy and peace and imposed their own limited realities, their paranoid delusional states on my freedom and love. They have whipped me emotionally and financially. They have justified being bullies because they are kiss ass and fearing those above them and comfortable in their luxurious surroundings and pampered lives , they have licked the ass above as they shit on those below them.  They are Nuremberg, They have a despicable stench of mediocrity. They reek of the ‘banality of evil’ yet pride themselves with their service and fat pensions. 

I have struggled to forgive and forget them. Especially the greedy lying rapacious soulless women. They have had no concern but for  their own selves and their immediate biology while using language of community and philosophy developed by men centuries before. They have no conscience.  They never have enough and goad the lowest forms of men to take, and steal and rape. They are Eva Brawn. 

I have always known women who loved. I have always know women who knew God.  I have been loved and loved them surrendering to the sweet fragrance of their souls, the innocence of their earthy love.

The world is divided around me as it is within me. I have striven to see the whole. I have longed to live in harmony but today the government demands conformity.  I see myself in the mirror marching, goose stepping to the tunes each week, resisting this flavour of fear, this dooms day prediction, only to be side lined by the next. Billions of dollars goes to the ‘world’s going to end because of climate change’ and that’s a lie. The world’s going to end because of a virus and that’s a lie. The world’s going to end because of economic collapse. That’s a lie. The forces of family far above me in the billionaires and dictators and globalists and religious fanatics of the Middle East and the fat cats and the drones of east and west, play games with lives, wagering. They all play out. The great casino cockfights where dogs of war are bread and women fuck their best friends husband. I’m on the edge of the storm struggling to keep my boat trim in the heightening waves.  

I turn to you Lord. I pray to you. Each day fearing the future I pray to be in your bosom. I pray to be held safe by you. I hurt. I ache. I weary. I worry.  I’m fragile. I tell myself in self pity. This tough old bird scarred and infinitely dangerous, a survivor. I ‘ve taken so many beatings. I’ve been humiliated and shamed. I’ve been kicked and stabbed and shot at by little wearying shits who live still with their mothers and taunt me. I’m a man and I’m judged and lead by boys and girls who haven’t left home who’ve not made families of their own, who haven’t created, but live to destroy. I feel I live in an episode of Lord of the Flies. I watch Animal Kingdom and Sons of Anarchy and it seems to be a tale of my government in Ottawa. It’s just crime. Law breaking, stealing, dope smoking, drunken ,bullying crime.

I’m afraid. I’m listening to dozens daily who are emotionally uncertain. I reassure. I comfort . I support. I feel the nails on broken glass scratching,  the chalkboard scrapes in the tones of voices.  

Little cowardly men and women who live in palaces know nothing of the Jean Val Jean’s. They don’t listen either. They laugh at deaths, of others.  They are immune , surrounded by body guards and bought judges and bought lawyers and banks of money made by selling death. The whole world is a arms race and the individual citizen is lied to and told that the threat is guns.The emperor has no clothes . Billions spent and made selling mass destruction so Huffington Post girls can flaunt their sensitivity like weapons. This  weaker sex like all the poor me tyrannies serving the juggernaut of destruction and stupid men rush to do their bidding. The girls feint as Hitler and Stalin kill millions for their love. Stalin’s wife suicided.  Amo’s wife smugly thought to reign. Imelda had her shoes. The courts upheld them. The judges and bankers loved them,

I pray. I call out to you Lord. Even as a court and judge and lawyers on behalf of the lying deeply ugly soul girls attack the saint  in wheelchair, whose wife has died, while he is under constant attack, todays Christ, his children ravaged by this witch and her deceit,  the courts and judge and bureaucrats, whose greed and evil strip this poor broken man of his last vestiges of pride. He is Job.  I cry out to God to protect him for he may as well be me. This world is a model of the Christ story. The Herod’s and the Sanhedrin and the Emperor and his representatives swagger in the court rooms of BC, pedophiles protected, money the only currency. They their coke and dirty girls and dirty boys and hedonistically lust in this world.  But mostly they slouch towards Bethlehem too. And you said the Kingdom is not of this World, Lord. And I wanted a spaceship growing love within taking way too long.

I look within. I seek you, like the Hound of Heaven seeks me. I beg for you to come. Holy Spirit come!  Free me of fear. Give me faith. Strengthen me in this day and age of growing despair.  Help me hear another expression of sadness and anxiety.  Make me a Channel of your Love. Let me not be phoney and give bandaids and needles for the incomprehensible demoralization and the unbearable blessing of being, the angst. Let me wake the dead instead. Help me walk on the living water.

I am yours Lord.  Lift me up on eagles wings.  Let me know joy. Rocket me into the 4th dimension. Surround me with your light and love.  Wrap me in your arms  Protect me as my mother and father  once protected me. Let me know you. Show me the Way.  Guide me. Be my  lodestar. Be the light house.  Lift me out of the dross. Lighten my load.  Over come my fear.  Let me know you you more fully.  Let my song of praise and thanksgiving fill the air as I struggle for that attitude of gratitude that shields me from despair.  Please Lord.

Thank you.