Sunday, May 5, 2013
I woke with hope remembering I'd been in this place once before. 1986 I'd done my psychiatry exams here then returned to the insaniety of the life I was living. Now years later I couldn't help but wonder if this passage might portend a course correction or simply mean I'd regained the lost ground I'd created digging my own grave rather than living life. So much shame and regret and guilt surrounded the disappointment of all the lies and betrayals. I was so much less than I'd hoped to me in that place we call a heart. My mind was sure but even my rapier wit grew dull with the hacking progress in the machate resistant jungle. So much happiness has come and gone. So much sadness and pain. These are just the currents and winds of God. I'm thankful I've stayed afloat on the vast ocean sometimes lonely sometimes too much with people. Now I'm letting go of some thing picking up others. It's always this way. Life is so special and precious. A child really. The first infant we have is ourselves. I've stretched mine to the limit at times. Now I'm coming back around. Getting ready for another kick at the can. Rising to the challenge. Praying. Meditating. Seeking God with all my mind heart and soul. Going forward with a Bible open to psalms or acts, studying texts in Hebrew, asking myself what can I do, where is it that I am to serve. I have served so long and so it is another day of service but somehow different. Learning to walk, like a child, getting up, stumbling and running forward. All I can do is hope. It's been a good time so far and now I'll begin this day again. Practicing the prescence of God.