Friday, June 10, 2011

Canuck Conspiracy Theories

No conspiracy theories or such existed in Vancouver when the Canucks won the first two NHL play off games against the Boston Bruins.  Obviously the Canucks were the superior team to the Boston Bruins, by pedigree, genetics, divine right,   experience and sportsmanship.  The Canucks are Canadian and Canadians are superior in all ways to Americans especially when it comes to hockey.

However,  after the sickening first 8-1 loss in Boston, conspiracy theories and such did appear.  First was the idea  that the evil  unsportsman "hit' that caused a Bruin to be carried off the ice in a stretcher had caused God Almighty, who rules hockey and everything else,  to turn his face from the Canucks.  The  Canucks had clearly been tempted by idols of America (hear the Guess Who's phophetic song "American Woman" playing loudly in the background  ) and must repent.  The voice of God, sounding very much like  Canadian McGill Doctorate William Shatner,  said, "You must make a burnt offering of Don Cherry's wardrope before I will again smile on the Canucks."  As this didn't occur, the second loss to the Bruins did.  Now there is need for a virgin sacrifice so all manner of Canadian men are leaving the universities en mass to offer themselves on behalf of the game.

The Kwakiut'l Land on which the Vancouver ice rink sits is a blessed native site far different from the Boston rink situated near  both Salem and Washington.  Canadian First Nations drummers offered to  fly en mass  to Boston and put a whipping on any Mohawks with hockey tickets.  The Haida offered to cannibalize the evil corn eating easterners. The Harper's federal Conservative Government  refused divert a billion dollars from the budget for this First Nation  purpose whereas Layton's NDP opposition said that if they were in charge he would have ratified such a motion. Harper offered to withdraw the troops from Kundahar and put a whipping on Boston but complained that he hadn't any F35 jets yet to gain air superiority over the Americans.  Canadian snipers however in Ottawa had no doubt they could pick off Bruins players outside the stadium, something American snipers couldn't possibly do even within their own borders.

While all this martial and religious consideration was taking place it was suggested that in future Canadians shouldn't accept gifts of pucks provided by the American Military Industrial complex.  After game footage of the goals against Luongo has shown the trajectory of the puck motion had a certain 'flying saucer' aspect that Canadian aernautical physicists say looks 'awfully suspicious'.

NCIS disclosed that there was cellphone exchange between Luongo and Angelina Jolie.  Apparently Angelina suggested that if Luongo let one goal through, accidentally of course, she'd go out on a date with him.  There is general male consensus and overall forgiveness that this sufficiently explains the 8 goals lost and the subsequent goals lost the next night.  The only question is why the coach has kept Luongo in as goalie.

There is the matter of money. Every game makes people millions of dollars in entertainment value.  So people are saying would you have the Rolling Stones and Beatles in concert together and let chance result in only 3 nights of music or would you, for the sake of the audience, not to mention the ferrari payments, do whatever you could to draw out the game series to at least 5 if not more.  People do believe 9-11 was rigged and that Bin Laden wasn't killed but some poor camel herder who had cosmetic surgery to look like Bin Laden. Meanwhile Bin Laden has had cosmetic surgery to look like Ignatieff so no one would pay any attention to him.

It all came to a head when the Canucks team was decimated by the Rapture.  Angelic Canucks hockey players were suddenly disappearing.  All the Vancouver clergy were up all night cutting a deal with God to get the players back.  Not only that Aliens struck the Boston Bruins and whisked many up to space ships where they were anal probed and all manner of sexual things done to them.  These factual events have been used to explain good and bad play by both teams.

Finally there is speculation that the Boston Zambonni sucks and Boston ice is made with American water which is thoroughly polluted. This explains why Americans want Canadian water and why Canucks win on Canadian rinks but lose on American rinks.  The Canucks literally are not used to skating on piss and shit so they can't get up to their normal speed with all the lumps the zambonni leaves.

Game 5 is about to occu.r  I for one am hoping that the Aliens and Supernatural all conspire to allow the Canucks to show their natural superiority.  I would as a Canadian like to believe that while the corruption in the leadership of international soccer suggests  soccer is  rigged like world wrestling , American Idol and beauty contests in general, nothing like this could happen in Canada to hockey.  But just in case, I've emailed Prime Minister Harper and suggested it would be timely to increase the number of F35 jets that the Canadians are buying from the US.


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