A friend whose spirituality and religious knowledge I admire wrote me saying that:
"Reincarnation is NOT Christian. Only Christians who don't know or believe the Bible believe in reincarnation. How much clearer is it when it says," Just as man is destined to die ONCE and after that to face judgment. Heb. 9:27.?"
So naturally I thought about this. My friend and I have the advantage that too few Christians have these days in that we don't agree and that's okay because we remain friends. He knows he's right and I maybe. His person and life reflect what most would say is a good Christian and like Billy Graham represents the back bone of Evangelical Christianity.
In contrast, I'm a Christian but few would fault me for being a "very good Christian", not that I don't try. I often find I'm more welcome outside the church than in it but I stay. I'm a member of several clubs whose members contain those who would have more like themselves and less like me in their midst. I'm often amazed at how common I am though when I'm treated so often as unique. And there are even religions who call themselves Christian who would exclude my friend and I but accept only their 144,000 chosen few.
The actual church I belong to now , Christ Church Cathedral http://www.cathedral.vancouver.bc.ca/ calls itself "inclusive". Many Anglicans would call the the very Diocese it belongs to 'apostate'. A major movement within the church has called for a 'back to basics' and 'bible centered' more exclusive reform of the church. This "fundamentalist" movement certainly came at a time when the likes of Martin Luther would be rising up themselves about the watering down of the church if others didn't speak out first.
Still I think I'm a Christian. I have as much right to call myself one as so many who would not welcome me in their midst. Raised Christian, attending church with family, Christian youth leader, YMCA leader, church attending, Bible studying, theology student, follower, teacher, rebel, healer, martyr, Christ conscious, Jesus loving, feeling Born Again, I've paid my dues. I'm a regular Kierkegaard though when it comes to other Christians. I'm Pelagius to Augustine and a big fan of ecumenicalism. I really do believe there's "many mansions". I'm suspicious of any Christian whose 'safe'. I respect my Christian friend because he's never been as 'safe' Christian.
My Catholic friend and I had dinner last week. He told me that a young Christian woman asked him if he being Catholic was a Christian. "Well, all Christians were Catholics the first 1500 years of the church," he replied. "So you believe in God," she said. "I'm glad."
I liked the Shack. I like the last Christian play I saw where there was a whole lot of swearing because I learned from the "Desire of the Everlasting Hills" that Jesus was vulgar and not 'Nice' . I don't like nice safe Christians. Kierkegaard considered them vulgar.
I don't think it's 'cool' for Christians to be fighting "poofs". Jesus didn't even talk about homosexuality. C.S.Lewis was my kind of Christian and he was one of those Christians fighting the Nazis. Jesus mostly challenged the big guys and let the outcasts, like the Jewish tax collectors, and lepers, hang out with him. I think it's appropriate as a Christian to ask "what would Jesus do" when our country is involved in some wars. My Quaker doctor colleague doesn't pay that part of her taxes that would go to war and has spent a life time fighting the Canadian government over what she sees as their unchristian behaviour. Another Christian friend has stirred up the pot questioning the vastly lucrative abortion industry,by questioning anyone comparing terminating human life with the removal of a wart. Last I heard he was making waves against the cost saving plans for expanding euthanasia.
My famous Anglican Christian friend left a senior partnership in Toronto corporate law office for a small town general law office telling me that "I don't think you can be a Christian and work as a corporate lawyer anymore." The woman corporate lawyer I met who was practicing as a solo lawyer told me the same. "I can practice law and be ethical. I won't be rich but I couldn't be ethical and continue to practice in a large corporate law office."
My choirmaster friend asked me once if "Christian psychiatrist" wasn't an oxymoron. If I had not dissented and made a very costly stand for morality and ethical behaviour I would have had to agree with him. The experience certainly left me fondly singing Bruce Coburn's Wondering Where the Lions Are?
My friend believes the Bible. I do too. However I am a historian and have studied extensively the development of the Bible. I know that it was influenced by the State and Emperor Constantine and various other 'conservative' bodies since have made religion what Marx called the "opiate of the masses". Early Christianity, what has been called first century or before the Nicene Creed was anything but conservative. Paul Johnson who wrote the classic History of Christianity said that churches often were more like soccer clubs where you'd gather to get your bats to beat your neighbour Christians into agreement about the finer points of orthodoxy. I love the diversity.
I believe in fact that God knows and is the answer but that our solution is in the discussion and living. I'm reading a Christian book called "Orthodoxy". It's slow going. Not nearly as fast as Thomas a Kempis, "Imitation of Christ" but kind of like Oswald Chambers who I do enjoy. It's appreciating the journey. My friend says I should read the Bible more and after having read it cover to cover a few times I still agree with him.
Now as to reincarnation, this was very much apart of early Christianity. It's a topic of Jewish tradition as Rabbi Astor discusses http://www.aish.com/jl/kc/48943926.html Naturally he disagrees with Christians which is to be expected for a Jew who is wrong by not being a Christian but otherwise he's very good and does an excellent job of discussing "Resurrection" and "Reincarnation". It's good to remember too that Jesus was a Jew and no doubt was wrong as a Jew and only got it right becoming a Christian after resurrection. I would not want to be faulted for splitting hairs but these things are important considering the eye of the needle. And old men have talked for even longer about women's hymen with as much authority.
That said, there was a lot of doubt after Jesus died because frankly most of his disciples expected him to lead them immediately. The Second Coming was supposed to have come. The first Christian diversity was when the Jews disagreed with the followers of Q, who were thought to be just a sect of Essenes who got it wrong. Enter little Paul the greatest Jewish salesman of all time. Talk about merchandising. And that's when things like foreskins important to Peter became maybe 'too orthodox'.
Jesus was supposed to have whacked the Romans. This is what those who knew him believed. Yet when the Romans persisted John's gospel was just a little softer on them than originally Mark had been. Maybe Pilate wasn't such a bad guy after all. He did crucify hundreds of others in addition to Jesus but whacking Jews didn't just become popular with the Nazis. Stalin preferred killing Poles and Ukranians and Hitler got into that too and maybe he would have gone easier on the Jews if he'd had some of the First Nations to whack. Whacking First Nations has always been more popular than killing Jews in the Americas.
The bad jew business came back big time in John though. Jesus's disciples weren't nearly as learned as our know it all pulpit ministers today. Yet they'd been chosen by the Lord, walked with the Lord, healed the sick and performed miracles themselves. Not bad for a group of guys who couldn't get it right when it came down to 'religion' and "theology" so they needed Paul to tell them how it really was. He wrote and the 'oral' tradition of the "illiterate' apostles somehow got lost though it may be that it's found in the controversy of the 'gnostic gospels' and texts like "Thomas" and other resources that show that the early Christians were often as disputatious as present day Christians.
The Christian community has at least as many sects as the Catholics. I was amazed to learn of an Roman Marion Catholic sect that allowed priests to marry. Then there are the Roman Catholics and Orthodox Catholics as different as say the Baptists and the Pentecostals. There's as many Jewish sects too with the three broad main groups, reformed, orthodox and conservative only getting together to fend off Jew whackers who won't acknowledge the differences within the group. Even the Pharisees are diverse. The Moslems have a whole bunch of division too though some would think they're all jihadists. That's an image that certainly doesn't fit those I know who look like most other Canadians, want peace, better government or less taxes and a snowbird vacation just like the rest of us.
The first Christians were confused and anxious. Peter went from swinging swords to running scared. And they called that one, the "Rock". I think it pays to be a little uncertain as a Christian alone. Jesus said "where two or more are gathered, there too am I". A Christian friend whose wife suicided said there were ,"two things you couldn't do alone, marriage and Christianity". I wondered about his wife.
At the same time there have been all these people over the years who have just known. Saints have often just seemed to 'know'. I really liked St. Theresa of Avilla and St. John of the Cross. But then I liked St. Francis too.
Just scanning the internet on "Christianity and Reincarnation" I came up with a lot of controversy.
The evangelical one which certainly supports my friend I believe though I didn't read it all because it was very wordy but positively erudite was http://www.comparativereligion.com/reincarnation3.html
"Today’s religious syncretism not only accepts reincarnation as one of its basic doctrines but also tries to prove that it can be found in the Bible and that it was accepted by the early Church. We will therefore analyze the basic texts in the Bible which are claimed to imply belief in reincarnation, examine the position of some important Church fathers who are said to have accepted it, and emphasize the basic antagonism of this doctrine with Christian teaching."
This is a superb intellectual resource which really goes into depth in discussing the whole subject and making the strongest points for rejecting 'reincarnation' and indeed arguing that Christianity can't exist in combination with reincarnation.
A different consideration in favour of reincarnation is found in http://reluctant-messenger.com/origen1.html
Maybe one is called "evangelical christianity", another is called "new age christianity" and worse than both are those Christians called "catholic christianity" or my own "anglican christianity".
Dr. Moody, a psychiatrist, examined those who had near death experiences and found that 'reincarnation' was apparent for some not all.
I don't want to come back as a toad.
Indeed my own idea of heaven is rather like Mark Twain's. He describes it so well in Captain Stormfields Visit to Heaven. http://www.pagebypagebooks.com/Mark_Twain/Captain_Stormfields_Visit_to_Heaven/ If all goes well I may get to be a pig farmer too.
The movie "What Dreams May Come" certainly portrayed a kind of Heaven that appealed to me. I think the "visions" and "poetry" of some of the Bible is open to interpretation, especially Revellation. I really wondered about people being "literal" with the Bible given the number of meanings of the words, the translations, and that the words in the time the Bible was written, especially the allegories, and metaphors had a wholly different meaning to us today. Jesus then was called a Shepherd and today might be called a Computer programmer.
My own understanding of Reincarnation is directly tied in with my understanding of Time and String Theory coupled with the idea of Dimensional existence and a very multifacetted God who comes as the "God of Unknowing". Hence I believe in stellate reincarnation rather than linear reincarnation .
God to me is Love and it has been said that if Love could be measured would it still be God and would we want it? Would it still be Love?
Jesus said, "Love God and Love your neighbour as yourself."
The Beatles then were right when they sang "all we need is love". C.S. Lewis might say that theologically this would mean 'agape love' rather than 'eros love'. Yet the Song of Songs is both carnal and transcendent. Love is.
Love.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Angel's Heat Lamp
Heat is something we often take for granted until it's gone. I grew up in Winnipeg so have first hand knowledge of cold. I do appreciate heat. My cat however is half Siamese. She had a different genetic background. Somehow she appreciates heat even more!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Day Panned Out
I made it to Christ Church Cathedral. Great sermon. Naval images and references. Remembrance Day themes. Probably explains why I picked up the Vietnam war book and have been considering war this last week.
The Major in the US killing a bunch of soldiers on US land. Some 12 dead. Friendly fire accounting for alot of death in the 'fog of war' described in Vietnam. I admire the soldiers. Rough job. Poor pay. High risk and so much stupidity. Then the actual day of combat there's supply shortages, reconnaissance errors, guns that don't work, lack of ammo, wounded men to care for, enemies that are equally intent on killing as being killed. The Americans have all this superiority like the Roman legions once did but the Blue men of Britain had them building a wall like the Israelis have finally done to the Palistinians.
CBC news meanwhile is all about the 20 year anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall. But that was the communist's solution to keeping people in their paradise.
I've been slogging away at clutter and chaos. Have had my clothes laundered for this week's work. I found all the socks in the storage locker I'd lost last week and now am breeding them for a second income. Such diversity too. Few matches so they'll be alot of interspecies sock mating.
I enjoyed the Remembrance memorial when Dad was with us. Feel guilty I didn't phone him today. Thought of it but then the time difference. Will call tomorrow. WWII RCAF vet. He's still letting us in on things we'd never heard about. The bombing runs and his time on planes. He opens up around the other old guys from the war. Some bonding that was. He loved going to the Air Museum in Ottawa and looking at the old planes. Told me about one of his classmates from their one room school house who'd done two tours as a rear gunner.
Trips to the storage locker moving stuff that came along with buddies and wouldn't be parted but now has been.
Laura told me we missed Taboo, the Naughty and Nice sex show this year. I missed Halloween with the move too. There's no underestimating the disruption and chaos that moving causes.
I did get more work done on the boat, topping up the batteries with water, oiling the floors, putting up more hooks for winter clothing, getting into every nook and cranny. I was really happy to find the missing panels for the dodger. That will keep out the wind. I'd really like to get some winter sailing in but the boat has to be even more fixed up before I do that. Icy cold winds can make everything just that much more dangerous but it is a thrill nonetheless. I've the fondest memories of other years I've gone out, pristine anchorages, solitude. The cat sure enjoyed her time on the boat today running about the decks and sitting on the hatch watching me working below.
Laura and I had lunch earlier at Sunny Spot Cafe on Main near Broadway. They've the very best omelettes, coffee and fresh squeezed orange juice. We've been going for years. In the summer we sit outside on the street and enjoy the funky south main ambience. A new boutique Temple of the Modern Woman has opened around the corner. The laundromat across the street and up one block took my laundry and did a fabulous job.
Now it's dinner time and restaurants are calling. Vancouver is incredible for all the choices and variety. I love Waves. Just had great Chai and free internet access.
The Major in the US killing a bunch of soldiers on US land. Some 12 dead. Friendly fire accounting for alot of death in the 'fog of war' described in Vietnam. I admire the soldiers. Rough job. Poor pay. High risk and so much stupidity. Then the actual day of combat there's supply shortages, reconnaissance errors, guns that don't work, lack of ammo, wounded men to care for, enemies that are equally intent on killing as being killed. The Americans have all this superiority like the Roman legions once did but the Blue men of Britain had them building a wall like the Israelis have finally done to the Palistinians.
CBC news meanwhile is all about the 20 year anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall. But that was the communist's solution to keeping people in their paradise.
I've been slogging away at clutter and chaos. Have had my clothes laundered for this week's work. I found all the socks in the storage locker I'd lost last week and now am breeding them for a second income. Such diversity too. Few matches so they'll be alot of interspecies sock mating.
I enjoyed the Remembrance memorial when Dad was with us. Feel guilty I didn't phone him today. Thought of it but then the time difference. Will call tomorrow. WWII RCAF vet. He's still letting us in on things we'd never heard about. The bombing runs and his time on planes. He opens up around the other old guys from the war. Some bonding that was. He loved going to the Air Museum in Ottawa and looking at the old planes. Told me about one of his classmates from their one room school house who'd done two tours as a rear gunner.
Trips to the storage locker moving stuff that came along with buddies and wouldn't be parted but now has been.
Laura told me we missed Taboo, the Naughty and Nice sex show this year. I missed Halloween with the move too. There's no underestimating the disruption and chaos that moving causes.
I did get more work done on the boat, topping up the batteries with water, oiling the floors, putting up more hooks for winter clothing, getting into every nook and cranny. I was really happy to find the missing panels for the dodger. That will keep out the wind. I'd really like to get some winter sailing in but the boat has to be even more fixed up before I do that. Icy cold winds can make everything just that much more dangerous but it is a thrill nonetheless. I've the fondest memories of other years I've gone out, pristine anchorages, solitude. The cat sure enjoyed her time on the boat today running about the decks and sitting on the hatch watching me working below.
Laura and I had lunch earlier at Sunny Spot Cafe on Main near Broadway. They've the very best omelettes, coffee and fresh squeezed orange juice. We've been going for years. In the summer we sit outside on the street and enjoy the funky south main ambience. A new boutique Temple of the Modern Woman has opened around the corner. The laundromat across the street and up one block took my laundry and did a fabulous job.
Now it's dinner time and restaurants are calling. Vancouver is incredible for all the choices and variety. I love Waves. Just had great Chai and free internet access.
In my head on a rainy Sunday morning
“If God were small enough for me to understand Him, he wouldn’t be big enough to do the job.” I do want to understand God’s purpose for me on a daily basis. I want to know the meaning of my life. I want to understand my relationship with a Loving God. I want to minimize the unnecessary pain in my life and maximize the pleasure. I want to be of benefit to my fellow man. I want to seriously consider what I want written on my headstone or said as my eulogy. I want to understand why seemingly bad things happen to seemingly good people, especially myself.
These are the questions of humanity. They are what religions are made from and wars occur for. They are at the basis of myths and are brought forward to explain existence beyond the instrumental and quite meaningless manner of saying ‘life happens’, ‘shit happens’. Western ‘zen for dummies’.
Reincarnation ‘explains’ a lot . Much of what bothered me as a child made sense over time yet today there seems a finite world with insufficient time to right the apparent wrongs. I’m reading this book about the Vietnam war which shows that General Westmoreland’s “policy” was a war of attrition, hoping to kill enough Vietnamese that they would tire. However for every 10 or 100 Vietnamese he killed Americans died and the body counts of the enemy were grossly inflated for political reasons. Further there was widespread business and financial corruption with supply problems and inferior equipment for the soldiers because of the greed of the superiors. As a result it appears a whole lot of 20 year old serving their country were killed or maimed for no good reason.
Reincarnation would say that Westmoreland and the others involved in the debacle would come around and experience the war next life as the grunt. Today’s Queen is tomorrow’s chambermaid. And vice versa. The idea is that everyone gets to play every part in time.
The eastern mystics call this ‘maya’. Life is an illusion and it’s only a play and the idea is to meditate and get out of the game. Kind of like escape from Matrix. Buddhism and Hinduism have a kind of nihilism about life. It sucks. Life is suffering. Desire is suffering so become desireless and escape. Yet escaping life and getting out is a desire and the desire not to desire is a desire so the whole thing becomes beyond thought which is considered part of maya anyway.
Christians believed in reincarnation. The jews believed in reincarnation. Moslems tend to believe what Christians and Jews believe but add the ‘kill Jews and Christians’ to the equation just to fill in time.
I’ve read great books on this subject. The Secret was the latest. It kind of says I can have a porche if I don’t think about hemorrhoids, cancer, war or cockroaches and focus my attention on pretty things. Oprah liked it and I like Oprah. I think there’s a lot to be said for that but in the end we still die horrible deaths unless we welcome death.
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his taxi.”
But all around me I know people who have broken the laws, mostly marijuania growers and importer/exporters who have made a fortune through rejecting the ‘rules’. Further I try to be good all the time and the ‘good seem to finish last.’ Even Hitler had Eva Braun who I’m sure wasn’t spouting radical feminism and pms and bitching at him to take another country. Maybe she was. Is Camillia more complacent or just manipulative. Prince Charles is visiting Victoria and that seems like a better job than fighting the government to get resources for people homeless and out of work because of the ‘economic down turn’ which really seems to have occurred because of decisions by people much higher than my pay grade. The Westmoreland crew, so to speak.
I feel like a grunt. Yet I have many moments of joy in my life. I take for granted things like heat and toilets working and water and clothing. When I consider how rich I am in storage locker ‘stuff’ and how I have a cat that really is entertaining then my relationship with my God improves. Often wondering about the meaning of life is a sophisticated ‘poor me’ rather than a movement into the sacred.
Faith is accepting that life is Good and God is Good. Jesus died for out sins. God became man and man experienced the full catastrophe (but only 30 something years – I’ve outlived Jesus – and he didn’t have to put up with marriage – I’ve toughed it out more than Jesus – but I 'll pass on the crucifixion but that's over quick compared to those living still today in iron lungs - I'll take a short painful death over a prolonged painful death – on the other hand Moses sucked it up big time. David had his experiences too and Paul was a shit who must have had hemorrhoids to get so much of the Bible turned back to the old testament when Jesus had said he came to ‘fulfill’ all that. That’s the trouble with orthodoxy, pretentious as hell.”
The Secret is to be thankful for what we have. Look at the blessings. Count them. I’m focusing on a water leak that splashes intermittently beside the computer. I’m focusing on the mess. In contrast I can focus on the good sleep I had in the warmth of duvet heaven. Getting a functional hot water system seems insurmountable but I really will solve it. I thought the move was insurmountable and made that change. This leak is irritating. It may be condensation. I think it’s the window above me. It was a problem once before.
The cat cried to be let out so I let her out. It’s raining and cold. She was soon crying and wailing to be let back in. I talked to my neighbor and he got rid of his television 9 years ago to avoid being commercialized. If he wants to watch a movie he does so on his laptop but he says he’s so thankful not to be at the mercy of commercials.
I loved "lost in the cosmos" by Walker Percy and "Your God is too Small" by Phillips.
It’s another day. I am slowly making my way through clutter. I have a propane camp water heater that works well for creating hot water on a temporary basis. I was able to wash my hair and sponge shower. I’ve packed my swimming trunks in my bag so I can stop at a pool and wash and go swimming. It’s all doable just inconvenient. Much of one’s dismay is being out of habit and having to adapt to new circumstances. We’re creatures of habit and what I’m really trying to do is restore organization to my life so I can ‘not think’ about the basics.
The basics are the sacred too. These ‘hierarchies’, ie going to church versus taking a dump are self created. I really can change my attention and focus and get more into the moment and enjoy more the simple things. Like having a functioning toilet and being reminded that water has to be hauled. City living is kind of like being in a hotel existence. I’m back to doing things myself. Freedom. Independence. A different set of rewards. All those matters of ‘character’ versus ‘personality’ if we consider them in that sense.
Yet even these are open to consideration. The emperor has a royal bum wiper but he has to deal with the bum wipers personality on a daily basis. Ugh. I’ve enough to deal with my cat’s attitudes. Getting ‘attitude’ from the bum wiper would be a bitch.
It’s so easy to envy and write a ‘one down’ and “poor me” script. Do I want to be super rich if it makes me an asshole. Can I be superrich and myself. Can I have my youth restored without buying all those expensive creams or dying and being reincarnated stupid as a baby. Can I have the power to stop war. But Krishna said to Arjuna , the war will always be there , the question is whether you join or not.
I am reading about war. I think it’s because all the resources of the country went to shit when the dicks used an excuse to invade and control the gas prices. I figure Saddam wasn’t willing to play along with the rest when it came to controlling the gas price. So he was made an example of. It’s as good a reason as lot of the others flying around.
Of course it’s a poor me explaination because it means that I could be taken out to because I’m not a good obedient boy all the time and part of me says if I am I get rewarded yet I look around and here in BC the thieves and dope growers and those who truly believe their own selfish interests are wholly important regardless of harm to others are rewarded.
Note the poor me. It’s always there. Creeping in. I’ve got this great blanket and the water leak is beside the computer not on it. No bombs have landed in my lap. Life is good. It’s the mind that can reduce everything. And really the world has moved on. It's H1N1 time though some 100 canadian soldiers died in the last months and a cruise missiles costs a couple of million. I can't help but think we could all have eternal youth and health care with the cost of killing today. It's just one of the reasons I don't like paying taxes and really really question the saniety or goodness of my leadership.
Eckart Tolle ‘s book Power of Now and some of his writings are very good for focusing on the power of the mind. I loved that I was told to read the psalms daily. I would read them today if I could find a Bible in this clutter.
I’m thinking I’ll blow this pop stand and get to church. Going to church and getting together with others who see themselves in relation to God and others is an uplifting experience. I could be getting together with others thinking about how to ‘get’ more stuff but if I want ‘stuff’ I can go to the storage locker. There’s a hundred books there I haven’t read or would like to read again. There’s furniture that’s not being used. I’ll ride my truck today and my motorcycle won’t be used. There’s so much one can do. I know a guy with 7 lear jets but he can only ride in one at a time. Given the rain I’ll take the truck and maybe drop off the laundry. Parking will be a bitch. The motorcycle makes parking in a city a joy. Living in the country is always a joy for parking. It’s always a trade off. I must ask God to help me accept this or get in step with his program. I’m always wanting things my way, on my schedule, and I’m always underestimating the time something takes and am always playing catch up in a hurry with too much to do and too many demands. I must like that somehow. When I’m older and retired I’ll have lots more time to mozy. Right now I’ve got people to see and places to go. Hustle bustle, maybe solve the leak while I’m at it. God is good. Good is great. God is love. He has a purpose for me today and by the time I go to bed tonight I'll have a better idea what that purpose is. Meanwhile I have to get up and shave and get dressed and get out to the truck. I have know people who have trouble getting those things done on a daily basis so I should be thankful I'm still getting up and out. Thank you Jesus!
These are the questions of humanity. They are what religions are made from and wars occur for. They are at the basis of myths and are brought forward to explain existence beyond the instrumental and quite meaningless manner of saying ‘life happens’, ‘shit happens’. Western ‘zen for dummies’.
Reincarnation ‘explains’ a lot . Much of what bothered me as a child made sense over time yet today there seems a finite world with insufficient time to right the apparent wrongs. I’m reading this book about the Vietnam war which shows that General Westmoreland’s “policy” was a war of attrition, hoping to kill enough Vietnamese that they would tire. However for every 10 or 100 Vietnamese he killed Americans died and the body counts of the enemy were grossly inflated for political reasons. Further there was widespread business and financial corruption with supply problems and inferior equipment for the soldiers because of the greed of the superiors. As a result it appears a whole lot of 20 year old serving their country were killed or maimed for no good reason.
Reincarnation would say that Westmoreland and the others involved in the debacle would come around and experience the war next life as the grunt. Today’s Queen is tomorrow’s chambermaid. And vice versa. The idea is that everyone gets to play every part in time.
The eastern mystics call this ‘maya’. Life is an illusion and it’s only a play and the idea is to meditate and get out of the game. Kind of like escape from Matrix. Buddhism and Hinduism have a kind of nihilism about life. It sucks. Life is suffering. Desire is suffering so become desireless and escape. Yet escaping life and getting out is a desire and the desire not to desire is a desire so the whole thing becomes beyond thought which is considered part of maya anyway.
Christians believed in reincarnation. The jews believed in reincarnation. Moslems tend to believe what Christians and Jews believe but add the ‘kill Jews and Christians’ to the equation just to fill in time.
I’ve read great books on this subject. The Secret was the latest. It kind of says I can have a porche if I don’t think about hemorrhoids, cancer, war or cockroaches and focus my attention on pretty things. Oprah liked it and I like Oprah. I think there’s a lot to be said for that but in the end we still die horrible deaths unless we welcome death.
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his taxi.”
But all around me I know people who have broken the laws, mostly marijuania growers and importer/exporters who have made a fortune through rejecting the ‘rules’. Further I try to be good all the time and the ‘good seem to finish last.’ Even Hitler had Eva Braun who I’m sure wasn’t spouting radical feminism and pms and bitching at him to take another country. Maybe she was. Is Camillia more complacent or just manipulative. Prince Charles is visiting Victoria and that seems like a better job than fighting the government to get resources for people homeless and out of work because of the ‘economic down turn’ which really seems to have occurred because of decisions by people much higher than my pay grade. The Westmoreland crew, so to speak.
I feel like a grunt. Yet I have many moments of joy in my life. I take for granted things like heat and toilets working and water and clothing. When I consider how rich I am in storage locker ‘stuff’ and how I have a cat that really is entertaining then my relationship with my God improves. Often wondering about the meaning of life is a sophisticated ‘poor me’ rather than a movement into the sacred.
Faith is accepting that life is Good and God is Good. Jesus died for out sins. God became man and man experienced the full catastrophe (but only 30 something years – I’ve outlived Jesus – and he didn’t have to put up with marriage – I’ve toughed it out more than Jesus – but I 'll pass on the crucifixion but that's over quick compared to those living still today in iron lungs - I'll take a short painful death over a prolonged painful death – on the other hand Moses sucked it up big time. David had his experiences too and Paul was a shit who must have had hemorrhoids to get so much of the Bible turned back to the old testament when Jesus had said he came to ‘fulfill’ all that. That’s the trouble with orthodoxy, pretentious as hell.”
The Secret is to be thankful for what we have. Look at the blessings. Count them. I’m focusing on a water leak that splashes intermittently beside the computer. I’m focusing on the mess. In contrast I can focus on the good sleep I had in the warmth of duvet heaven. Getting a functional hot water system seems insurmountable but I really will solve it. I thought the move was insurmountable and made that change. This leak is irritating. It may be condensation. I think it’s the window above me. It was a problem once before.
The cat cried to be let out so I let her out. It’s raining and cold. She was soon crying and wailing to be let back in. I talked to my neighbor and he got rid of his television 9 years ago to avoid being commercialized. If he wants to watch a movie he does so on his laptop but he says he’s so thankful not to be at the mercy of commercials.
I loved "lost in the cosmos" by Walker Percy and "Your God is too Small" by Phillips.
It’s another day. I am slowly making my way through clutter. I have a propane camp water heater that works well for creating hot water on a temporary basis. I was able to wash my hair and sponge shower. I’ve packed my swimming trunks in my bag so I can stop at a pool and wash and go swimming. It’s all doable just inconvenient. Much of one’s dismay is being out of habit and having to adapt to new circumstances. We’re creatures of habit and what I’m really trying to do is restore organization to my life so I can ‘not think’ about the basics.
The basics are the sacred too. These ‘hierarchies’, ie going to church versus taking a dump are self created. I really can change my attention and focus and get more into the moment and enjoy more the simple things. Like having a functioning toilet and being reminded that water has to be hauled. City living is kind of like being in a hotel existence. I’m back to doing things myself. Freedom. Independence. A different set of rewards. All those matters of ‘character’ versus ‘personality’ if we consider them in that sense.
Yet even these are open to consideration. The emperor has a royal bum wiper but he has to deal with the bum wipers personality on a daily basis. Ugh. I’ve enough to deal with my cat’s attitudes. Getting ‘attitude’ from the bum wiper would be a bitch.
It’s so easy to envy and write a ‘one down’ and “poor me” script. Do I want to be super rich if it makes me an asshole. Can I be superrich and myself. Can I have my youth restored without buying all those expensive creams or dying and being reincarnated stupid as a baby. Can I have the power to stop war. But Krishna said to Arjuna , the war will always be there , the question is whether you join or not.
I am reading about war. I think it’s because all the resources of the country went to shit when the dicks used an excuse to invade and control the gas prices. I figure Saddam wasn’t willing to play along with the rest when it came to controlling the gas price. So he was made an example of. It’s as good a reason as lot of the others flying around.
Of course it’s a poor me explaination because it means that I could be taken out to because I’m not a good obedient boy all the time and part of me says if I am I get rewarded yet I look around and here in BC the thieves and dope growers and those who truly believe their own selfish interests are wholly important regardless of harm to others are rewarded.
Note the poor me. It’s always there. Creeping in. I’ve got this great blanket and the water leak is beside the computer not on it. No bombs have landed in my lap. Life is good. It’s the mind that can reduce everything. And really the world has moved on. It's H1N1 time though some 100 canadian soldiers died in the last months and a cruise missiles costs a couple of million. I can't help but think we could all have eternal youth and health care with the cost of killing today. It's just one of the reasons I don't like paying taxes and really really question the saniety or goodness of my leadership.
Eckart Tolle ‘s book Power of Now and some of his writings are very good for focusing on the power of the mind. I loved that I was told to read the psalms daily. I would read them today if I could find a Bible in this clutter.
I’m thinking I’ll blow this pop stand and get to church. Going to church and getting together with others who see themselves in relation to God and others is an uplifting experience. I could be getting together with others thinking about how to ‘get’ more stuff but if I want ‘stuff’ I can go to the storage locker. There’s a hundred books there I haven’t read or would like to read again. There’s furniture that’s not being used. I’ll ride my truck today and my motorcycle won’t be used. There’s so much one can do. I know a guy with 7 lear jets but he can only ride in one at a time. Given the rain I’ll take the truck and maybe drop off the laundry. Parking will be a bitch. The motorcycle makes parking in a city a joy. Living in the country is always a joy for parking. It’s always a trade off. I must ask God to help me accept this or get in step with his program. I’m always wanting things my way, on my schedule, and I’m always underestimating the time something takes and am always playing catch up in a hurry with too much to do and too many demands. I must like that somehow. When I’m older and retired I’ll have lots more time to mozy. Right now I’ve got people to see and places to go. Hustle bustle, maybe solve the leak while I’m at it. God is good. Good is great. God is love. He has a purpose for me today and by the time I go to bed tonight I'll have a better idea what that purpose is. Meanwhile I have to get up and shave and get dressed and get out to the truck. I have know people who have trouble getting those things done on a daily basis so I should be thankful I'm still getting up and out. Thank you Jesus!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Marine Waste Disposal System - Electro Scan
I've had my Raritan Electro Scan wasted disposal system over 20 years. I once cleaned it and reassembled it. Not a pleasing task. I think Tom nursed it last summer. He certainly made a skookum little shelf holder for it. It works by sending an electric current through the waste in the holding tank and transforming human toxicity to nutrients for marine plants. It was accepted all along the US coast as an alternative to a holding tank. I have a holding tank. I even have a new holding tank since the frightening one that came with the boat and had begun to leak was removed this year.
Today I was pumping out the toilet on my boat when I heard a muffled explosion. I hoped it was outside the boat but thought it might be in my 'system'. So I pumped some more and sure enough the lid of the Electroscan had literally exploded. I'd worry about fermentation but it really is only a matter of back pressure and something downstream has caused the problem.
To solve this "problem" (pre-solution), I had to remove the Electro scan. Naturally the hose wouldn't come off as it had been heated before installation. It didn't leak. I tried the exacto knife but it broke. The saw finally worked. Meanwhile whatever inhabitted the electroscan was all over the floor of the shower and I was standing in it. I think the bottom of my jeans was drinking it too.
I got the whole thing outside on the deck. The cat was fascinated by the smell, all round excitement and cursing. I've got the new hose and notifed Raritan, that despite the Scottish blood I'm ready for another one. In the meantime the holding tank is holding.
I've got more hose from Steveston Marine to replace that which I destroyed in my excitement.
I stopped at Waves on Commercial for coffee. Since my sinusitis last year I don't have the keenest smell. I wondered though from the looks if my wet shoe took in more of the entertainment than I'd given it credit for. No one is sitting close. Someone did but shortly after they moved away. Time to change jeans, get out new socks and clean the shoes. But first I've got to complete repairs. Aren't boats fun!
Today I was pumping out the toilet on my boat when I heard a muffled explosion. I hoped it was outside the boat but thought it might be in my 'system'. So I pumped some more and sure enough the lid of the Electroscan had literally exploded. I'd worry about fermentation but it really is only a matter of back pressure and something downstream has caused the problem.
To solve this "problem" (pre-solution), I had to remove the Electro scan. Naturally the hose wouldn't come off as it had been heated before installation. It didn't leak. I tried the exacto knife but it broke. The saw finally worked. Meanwhile whatever inhabitted the electroscan was all over the floor of the shower and I was standing in it. I think the bottom of my jeans was drinking it too.
I got the whole thing outside on the deck. The cat was fascinated by the smell, all round excitement and cursing. I've got the new hose and notifed Raritan, that despite the Scottish blood I'm ready for another one. In the meantime the holding tank is holding.
I've got more hose from Steveston Marine to replace that which I destroyed in my excitement.
I stopped at Waves on Commercial for coffee. Since my sinusitis last year I don't have the keenest smell. I wondered though from the looks if my wet shoe took in more of the entertainment than I'd given it credit for. No one is sitting close. Someone did but shortly after they moved away. Time to change jeans, get out new socks and clean the shoes. But first I've got to complete repairs. Aren't boats fun!
Friday, November 6, 2009
Weekend after the Move
Another Weekend
With the move last weekend it was a long week. Beautiful full moon. No hot water in the new place and problems with heating solved by extra Army Navy store duvets. The cat likes the new digs. I’m enjoying getting work done again. I hope to have the boat ready for a fishing trip in December.
H1N1 flu took it’s toll. Lots of anxiety. Some down for a week. Heavy rains and a new longer ride into work. The Work Wear World rain pants are a godsend. My Harley jacket with liner is doing it’s job. In the move I’ve misplaced my motorcycle chaps among other things. Clean socks were an issue one day and I know I’ve dozens but where they went is a mystery. I’ve been stowing and stacking piles of gear and clothing and kitchen wear. I was grateful for the venison stew I’d made and had frozen in the freezer. Prepared food is a blessing at the end of a long day. I can see I’ve made a difference in putting stuff away but I do look forward to when all the counters are clear and I have a wonderful sense of order.
A&W has a 24 hour drive through which served well the night I got home from work and evening meetings near midnight. I had to use the shower at work and was thankful for that. I hooked up the tv to a rabbit ears antennae since I don’t have cable anymore. I really appreciated the single CBC channel much as I loved CBC radio up north. Very Canadian.
I’ve been reading The Magnificent Bastards by Keith William Nolan about he Joint Army-Marine Defense of Dong Ha,198. I also have Stankley Karnow’s Vietnam the companion to the PBS series. Something about the continued war in Afghanistan and Iraq had me wanting to understand better the war in Vietnam. I was a peacenik back then. I marched in peace rallies and changed “make love, not war. “ War didn’t make a whole lot of sense back then despite my patriotism and love of country. We did think the conflict would escalate and conscription would come to Canada. It made university and becoming a doctor more attractive in some way. I remember feeling afraid and yet worrying as well if I did go to war I’d change to liking it. I’d met guys back then who seemed really sociopathic after all that Vietnam killing. I’d also met draft dodgers and I couldn’t condemn them. None of us could. Given the choice of going to war and possibly being killed or mained or living in Canada we figured we’d choose living in Canada too. We talked a lot about not being able to go home. There was a lot of talking back then. I remember all night conversations. We weren’t drinking or doing drugs, just kids talking a lot about life and the war and life. I wonder today if kids talk about Afghanistan the same way. I don’t hear the discussions anymore. I’m old and mostly people don’t talk about things as precious as life. We talk more about sports and movies. Maybe people are afraid to talk anymore. Maybe they’re jaded. Maybe it’s just that as we’ve got older we figure it’s all above our pay level. These aren’t ‘idea’times but more ‘instrumental’ times.
The weekend has arrived and well I’d like to be hunting or fishing I’m looking forward to clearing a final storage locker. Moving is really tiring and demanding. I have moments though when I really appreciate the change and look forward to the new advantures that abound in this part of Vancouver. I’m getting more exercise and that’s certainly good. I’m going to be outside more here. So much cleaning and sorting to do. A lot of the broad strokes are accomplished but the fine tuning will take time. Must remember more cat litter. I like this Telus cellular phone USB internet stick.
With the move last weekend it was a long week. Beautiful full moon. No hot water in the new place and problems with heating solved by extra Army Navy store duvets. The cat likes the new digs. I’m enjoying getting work done again. I hope to have the boat ready for a fishing trip in December.
H1N1 flu took it’s toll. Lots of anxiety. Some down for a week. Heavy rains and a new longer ride into work. The Work Wear World rain pants are a godsend. My Harley jacket with liner is doing it’s job. In the move I’ve misplaced my motorcycle chaps among other things. Clean socks were an issue one day and I know I’ve dozens but where they went is a mystery. I’ve been stowing and stacking piles of gear and clothing and kitchen wear. I was grateful for the venison stew I’d made and had frozen in the freezer. Prepared food is a blessing at the end of a long day. I can see I’ve made a difference in putting stuff away but I do look forward to when all the counters are clear and I have a wonderful sense of order.
A&W has a 24 hour drive through which served well the night I got home from work and evening meetings near midnight. I had to use the shower at work and was thankful for that. I hooked up the tv to a rabbit ears antennae since I don’t have cable anymore. I really appreciated the single CBC channel much as I loved CBC radio up north. Very Canadian.
I’ve been reading The Magnificent Bastards by Keith William Nolan about he Joint Army-Marine Defense of Dong Ha,198. I also have Stankley Karnow’s Vietnam the companion to the PBS series. Something about the continued war in Afghanistan and Iraq had me wanting to understand better the war in Vietnam. I was a peacenik back then. I marched in peace rallies and changed “make love, not war. “ War didn’t make a whole lot of sense back then despite my patriotism and love of country. We did think the conflict would escalate and conscription would come to Canada. It made university and becoming a doctor more attractive in some way. I remember feeling afraid and yet worrying as well if I did go to war I’d change to liking it. I’d met guys back then who seemed really sociopathic after all that Vietnam killing. I’d also met draft dodgers and I couldn’t condemn them. None of us could. Given the choice of going to war and possibly being killed or mained or living in Canada we figured we’d choose living in Canada too. We talked a lot about not being able to go home. There was a lot of talking back then. I remember all night conversations. We weren’t drinking or doing drugs, just kids talking a lot about life and the war and life. I wonder today if kids talk about Afghanistan the same way. I don’t hear the discussions anymore. I’m old and mostly people don’t talk about things as precious as life. We talk more about sports and movies. Maybe people are afraid to talk anymore. Maybe they’re jaded. Maybe it’s just that as we’ve got older we figure it’s all above our pay level. These aren’t ‘idea’times but more ‘instrumental’ times.
The weekend has arrived and well I’d like to be hunting or fishing I’m looking forward to clearing a final storage locker. Moving is really tiring and demanding. I have moments though when I really appreciate the change and look forward to the new advantures that abound in this part of Vancouver. I’m getting more exercise and that’s certainly good. I’m going to be outside more here. So much cleaning and sorting to do. A lot of the broad strokes are accomplished but the fine tuning will take time. Must remember more cat litter. I like this Telus cellular phone USB internet stick.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The 12 Steps of AA - Step 4
The 12 Steps of AA – 4th Step
The Big Book of AA (p 64-71 Third Edition) has the way the 4th Step is done. At least that’s the original way. There’s been a lot of changes to the 4th Step with psychology, treatment centres, work books and lots of people trying to add to it. These may be good but the 4th step of AA in the Big Book is what is generally referred to by doing 'the 4th step". Andthere are some very good reasons for doing it as the Book says.
One is that it’s not about a list of fears or resentments alone. Every alcoholic can tell you their litany of who done them wrong or what they don’t like drunk. It's not necessary to do this in sobriety.
The 4th step is a specific way of looking at our resentments and fears and seeing that they really aren’t unique, despite our claiming to be terminally unique, but rather that our resentments (negative moods day to day or hour to hour today and in our past) can be broken down to anything that interfered with 1. Our self esteem 2. Our security 3. Our ambition 4. Our personal relations 5. Our sex relations
Now it’s pretty clear to me what the fellows meant when they said we would get a resentment if our sexual desires or finances were interfered with. An expectation is said to be a pre formed resentment so I can even understand that I’d get a resentment against the other racer or the race or the race officials if I didn’t win and expected too. Self esteem refers to my good thoughts about myself and certainly I can get very resentful if someone knocks me down a notch or pokes me with a pin when I'm all puffed up with myself. I don’t know quite know what they meant by personal relations other than possibly community or getting between me and those I think of as friends or my community.
There are 4 columns. In column 1, we listed the person, institution or principle and then put beside them the cause and what they had interfered with 1. Our self esteem, 2. Our security 3. Our ambition 4. Our personal relations or 5. Our sex relations. On any individual there can be a lot of causes in column 2 and in column 3 what it affects could be 1 or 5.
Dr Bob always warned Bill to ‘keep it simple’. This is all that we are expected to do to this point. The idea here is that we get a clear view of how simple our resentments are and when we’ve gone through the whole of our lives we will learn on any day of the future when we are out of sorts, depressed, angry, restless, irritable that it’s because we probably have a resentment or fear against some person , institution or principle because one of the 5 conditions of life are being interfered with.
This is a truly amazing ‘self check’ or ‘spot check’ of our emotional state. It’s well ahead of it’s time and literally surpasses the foremost cognitive therapy of our day. What we think is what we feel and our negative feelings can be sourced out by this very simple process.
Once we’ve looked at the people in our lives in this way we are expected to look at the institutions: school, church, government, military, licensing bodies, hydro, telephone, etc.
Finally we consider principles. Principles are primary ideas like honesty, hope, love. The 12 steps of AA have a principle associated with each of them and beyond that there are more key principles.
We’re asked to consider deeply why we have a resentment against the principle of honesty for instance and list the occasions and causes and what negatively occurred to affect the 5 conditions of our life. Fewer AA’s do this and yet the original AA’s were very deep thinkers. They read the Bible extensively, the pragmatic philosopher William James and kept abreast of the leading ideas of the days on matters of principle. It’s common that people in an AA group will say out loud ‘principles not personalities’ today yet few will know what 'principles" are and why "principles before personalities". It takes work to understand what the original AA’s meant about principles and about personalities. They were very specific in their language and discussed the writing of the Big Book extensively.
Now the rubber hits the road with the final or 4th column. Here we put out of our mind the other person’s contribution to our moment of resentment or fear. We play a ‘what if’ game. Instead of seeing ourselves as the ‘victim’ we turn the equation on it’s head and put ourselves in the other guys shoes. We imagine that we are the ones who ‘created’ the situation. We do this by altering the ‘terms of reference’ if need be. Normally when one holds onto an argument we pick the place the thing starts. For example, “he hit me” so I’ve got a resentment. To do the final column we look at our behavior before the moment of resentment and ask where had we been 1. selfish, 2. self seeking, 3. dishonest or 4.frightened. Those are the 4 precursers to a resentment. We were 1. Selfish 2. Self seeking 3. Dishonest or 4. Frightened. So in the example ‘he hit me’, it may be that the day before I wanted him as a friend because he was big and strong and I wasn’t and I hoped he’d be my friend. I wasn’t thinking about him but solely about my needs. It doesn’t say anything about his being justified in hitting me but it does say that I had a “part in it”.
This is critical because we arrive “powerless’ and we are empowered by recognizing that the negative events in our lives didn’t happen willy nilly to us but that we contributed in someway. This is empowering and allows us later in a spot check to see an event in such a way that we might be able to change the outcome or turn around a potentially negative situation. Increasingly we realize that we can 'change" our behaviour whereas we tend to often look at the other person to 'blame' but thereby denying our own need to grow and change.
In this light the The Serenity Prayer can be interpreted as "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (everyone else, all that is outside of me), The courage to change the things I can (my thoughts and perceptions and attitudes about things, all that is inside of me) and the Wisdom to know the difference."
These 4 columns we did with resentments we also do with fears. We listed our fears even though they didn't have a resentment attached to them. We do this according to the book to see where 'self reliance' let us down and where we could have 'trusted infinite God rather than finite self'. It's said we are "as sick as our secrets' and by not asking for help or admitting our fears we occasioned negative consequences that reinforced our fears.
There’s a sex column but the book isn’t terribly specific about that. It just asks us to list our sexual partners and mostly consider where we’d been wrong. Each relation is to be subject to the simple test "was it selfish or not?"Had we done unto others what we would have them do unto us. Again the question is independent of their behavior. So “she stole my money but maybe I shouldn’t have called her mother a bitch.” It in no way ‘justifies’ her behavior. The Book is very clear however that this is our inventory. Sex powers are neither to be used "lightly or selfishly or to be despised or loathed". "We asked God to mold our ideals and help us live up to them."
Ultimately when one completes a 4th step the humor in AA about putting a sign on a mirror saying “you’re looking at the problem” is better appreciated. Step 4's tend to leave us feeling lighter and more able to move forward in our lives and sobriety without the unnecessary baggage, having let go of the old ideas and limitations that perpetuating our drinking and 'stinking thinking', our 'poor me' and 'victim position'.
We let go of resentments and overcome fears by understanding them better, understanding how they develop, doing daily ‘spot check’s’ using this ‘tool’ of the program and more rapidly restoring peace of mind. Holding onto a resentment is said to be ‘taking poison and hoping the other guy dies.’
The Big Book of AA (p 64-71 Third Edition) has the way the 4th Step is done. At least that’s the original way. There’s been a lot of changes to the 4th Step with psychology, treatment centres, work books and lots of people trying to add to it. These may be good but the 4th step of AA in the Big Book is what is generally referred to by doing 'the 4th step". Andthere are some very good reasons for doing it as the Book says.
One is that it’s not about a list of fears or resentments alone. Every alcoholic can tell you their litany of who done them wrong or what they don’t like drunk. It's not necessary to do this in sobriety.
The 4th step is a specific way of looking at our resentments and fears and seeing that they really aren’t unique, despite our claiming to be terminally unique, but rather that our resentments (negative moods day to day or hour to hour today and in our past) can be broken down to anything that interfered with 1. Our self esteem 2. Our security 3. Our ambition 4. Our personal relations 5. Our sex relations
Now it’s pretty clear to me what the fellows meant when they said we would get a resentment if our sexual desires or finances were interfered with. An expectation is said to be a pre formed resentment so I can even understand that I’d get a resentment against the other racer or the race or the race officials if I didn’t win and expected too. Self esteem refers to my good thoughts about myself and certainly I can get very resentful if someone knocks me down a notch or pokes me with a pin when I'm all puffed up with myself. I don’t know quite know what they meant by personal relations other than possibly community or getting between me and those I think of as friends or my community.
There are 4 columns. In column 1, we listed the person, institution or principle and then put beside them the cause and what they had interfered with 1. Our self esteem, 2. Our security 3. Our ambition 4. Our personal relations or 5. Our sex relations. On any individual there can be a lot of causes in column 2 and in column 3 what it affects could be 1 or 5.
Dr Bob always warned Bill to ‘keep it simple’. This is all that we are expected to do to this point. The idea here is that we get a clear view of how simple our resentments are and when we’ve gone through the whole of our lives we will learn on any day of the future when we are out of sorts, depressed, angry, restless, irritable that it’s because we probably have a resentment or fear against some person , institution or principle because one of the 5 conditions of life are being interfered with.
This is a truly amazing ‘self check’ or ‘spot check’ of our emotional state. It’s well ahead of it’s time and literally surpasses the foremost cognitive therapy of our day. What we think is what we feel and our negative feelings can be sourced out by this very simple process.
Once we’ve looked at the people in our lives in this way we are expected to look at the institutions: school, church, government, military, licensing bodies, hydro, telephone, etc.
Finally we consider principles. Principles are primary ideas like honesty, hope, love. The 12 steps of AA have a principle associated with each of them and beyond that there are more key principles.
We’re asked to consider deeply why we have a resentment against the principle of honesty for instance and list the occasions and causes and what negatively occurred to affect the 5 conditions of our life. Fewer AA’s do this and yet the original AA’s were very deep thinkers. They read the Bible extensively, the pragmatic philosopher William James and kept abreast of the leading ideas of the days on matters of principle. It’s common that people in an AA group will say out loud ‘principles not personalities’ today yet few will know what 'principles" are and why "principles before personalities". It takes work to understand what the original AA’s meant about principles and about personalities. They were very specific in their language and discussed the writing of the Big Book extensively.
Now the rubber hits the road with the final or 4th column. Here we put out of our mind the other person’s contribution to our moment of resentment or fear. We play a ‘what if’ game. Instead of seeing ourselves as the ‘victim’ we turn the equation on it’s head and put ourselves in the other guys shoes. We imagine that we are the ones who ‘created’ the situation. We do this by altering the ‘terms of reference’ if need be. Normally when one holds onto an argument we pick the place the thing starts. For example, “he hit me” so I’ve got a resentment. To do the final column we look at our behavior before the moment of resentment and ask where had we been 1. selfish, 2. self seeking, 3. dishonest or 4.frightened. Those are the 4 precursers to a resentment. We were 1. Selfish 2. Self seeking 3. Dishonest or 4. Frightened. So in the example ‘he hit me’, it may be that the day before I wanted him as a friend because he was big and strong and I wasn’t and I hoped he’d be my friend. I wasn’t thinking about him but solely about my needs. It doesn’t say anything about his being justified in hitting me but it does say that I had a “part in it”.
This is critical because we arrive “powerless’ and we are empowered by recognizing that the negative events in our lives didn’t happen willy nilly to us but that we contributed in someway. This is empowering and allows us later in a spot check to see an event in such a way that we might be able to change the outcome or turn around a potentially negative situation. Increasingly we realize that we can 'change" our behaviour whereas we tend to often look at the other person to 'blame' but thereby denying our own need to grow and change.
In this light the The Serenity Prayer can be interpreted as "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (everyone else, all that is outside of me), The courage to change the things I can (my thoughts and perceptions and attitudes about things, all that is inside of me) and the Wisdom to know the difference."
These 4 columns we did with resentments we also do with fears. We listed our fears even though they didn't have a resentment attached to them. We do this according to the book to see where 'self reliance' let us down and where we could have 'trusted infinite God rather than finite self'. It's said we are "as sick as our secrets' and by not asking for help or admitting our fears we occasioned negative consequences that reinforced our fears.
There’s a sex column but the book isn’t terribly specific about that. It just asks us to list our sexual partners and mostly consider where we’d been wrong. Each relation is to be subject to the simple test "was it selfish or not?"Had we done unto others what we would have them do unto us. Again the question is independent of their behavior. So “she stole my money but maybe I shouldn’t have called her mother a bitch.” It in no way ‘justifies’ her behavior. The Book is very clear however that this is our inventory. Sex powers are neither to be used "lightly or selfishly or to be despised or loathed". "We asked God to mold our ideals and help us live up to them."
Ultimately when one completes a 4th step the humor in AA about putting a sign on a mirror saying “you’re looking at the problem” is better appreciated. Step 4's tend to leave us feeling lighter and more able to move forward in our lives and sobriety without the unnecessary baggage, having let go of the old ideas and limitations that perpetuating our drinking and 'stinking thinking', our 'poor me' and 'victim position'.
We let go of resentments and overcome fears by understanding them better, understanding how they develop, doing daily ‘spot check’s’ using this ‘tool’ of the program and more rapidly restoring peace of mind. Holding onto a resentment is said to be ‘taking poison and hoping the other guy dies.’
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