Early Wakening and Christmas Reflections

It’s 5 am.  I woke at 4 and went back to bed for a bit. I read a delightful story of Elon Musk and humility. I enjoy his mythical character, an Obie wanna sort. He’s like Keanu Reeves.  Nerdy and considerate. Not the Kardasian flash or Trudeau arrogance. I see myself though as an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.  I’m defensive at times. I can trace the recurrent struggle with some wrong authority intent on maintaining their dominance for personal gain. I’ve had a sense of my own ‘awareness’ but how I’ve appeared as a threat to the Borg like corrupt authority figure. I’ve played out the Jesus myth in my life, Herod and Satan and Pontius Pilate.

I say, myth only in the Joseph Campbell sense. I don’t know the factual objective truth of these statements I’ve physically met the Dalai Lama and Bishop Toto, Chrétien and Harper, the Guess Who and Lead Zeppelin. I did meet a Nobel Prize winner in physics or chemistry but forget his name,  I’ve had a host of incredible mentors and teachers, Carl Ridd, Gold, Ray Baker, Graham Cunningham, Hank Olivier, Jack Hildes, Nady el Guebaly. The list goes on and on.  My parents were incredible as was my brother Ron. 

It’s Christmas season. I feel alone but have friends and lovers and organizations and institutions. I’m still working. Today I have three patients to see then head out to pick up my Camper which will be my home for the next months as I journey south for a winter break continueing to work but taking in the dessert and sun like others might take the baths.

I’ve struggled my life to know God, to make sense of this life, to serve.  I’ve also tried to address my character flaws and have fun and learn. I like to say I’m a voice over on the comic strip of my life and I’m playing peek a boo with Jesus.  

I liked studying “I think therefore I am”.  That equation served a foundation to self study. Now I’m living in the day very aware of when I’m in the past and future. I’ve also made major progress in CBT knowing my moods follow my thoughts and focussing on weeding out negative thoughts of fear and anger.  I respond to threat with fight, flight or freeze.  Freeze is the one that gets me.  Stillness. Patience.  

I’ve meditated and prayed and muddle along.  

My work is so demanding.  Spending so much time in the presence of pain and anguish.  Searching solutions or just being there.  Listening. Teaching. Sharing.  I’m a cheer leader in life.  Entertainer , healer.  Erudite.

It’s Christmas season.  Birthdays. Celebration. The earth has moved away from the sun in rotation and will return. I am not waiting for the crocus or the clouds to leave but actively seeking the sun and heat. My third year of this safety precautions. I was so sick in Mumbai. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t get air to enter my lungs and had to become so still in the panic I felt then.  It was like the scuba diving accident I experienced , running out of air swimming against the current under the reef and having to surface slowly.  The sense of panic stays with me.  My personal NDE.  A kind of awakening. I had to take medication for a year for Tuberculosis I acquired working as a flyin doctor in the north.  So many patients with TB.  Mantoux.  The disease shopping up on the X-ray and tests to work in America.  It was always dormant. I sealed it off but carried the reminder.  

We call pneumonia, the old man’s friend.  So many deaths by infectious diseases.  I remember my first cases as a country gp. Late nights at the bedside in the rural hospital.  Countless fights in the ICU.  Then Covid. My friends died just as they had in HIV.  Disease and futility.  The inevitability of death with the sense of immortality.

I fear I cling to life when I could best let go and wear this time as a lose cloak.  I am a soul and all else is illusion. I’m a child of God who came naked into this world and will leave thought.  

Now I make diagnosis of disease and offer solutions in the form of knowledge and medication or referrals to further investigation or intervention. I am so highly experienced in what I do I say in jest I’m educated beyond my intelligenc. I encounter such fear and anxiety , depression, despair, guilt , shame and anger.  I enter rooms heavy with remorse and leave with the atmosphere lighter. I shine light into darkness. I channel healing. I’m a conduit of a long line of teachers and lessons.  I’m out there on the edge with patients that frustrate their doctors family and conventions.  I sometimes miss the ease and simplicity of general practice without the layers of complex communications brought by survivors. We say spirituality is for those who’ve been to hell and don’t want to return. Religion is for those who’ve never been and don’t want to go.

I’ve known evil and godlessness.  It resonates in me or the loss.  I am with the loveless and love the unloveable. I’ve taken a patient from interview direct to shower and stood in the shower with him both of us clothed washing us as the first step in healing. The lice coming off him triggered it. He was a hospital patient and had so succeeded in keeping people at a distance with his smell and lack of hygiene no one had noticed or dared to approach. I held him crying in my arms in the shower.

Half the people Trudeau is killing with MAID and euthanasia are lonely.

His father celebrated the abortion of the children of the Christian and Catholic poor. The rich routinely have three children.  

I have none.  Should I be rewarded.  Through no desire or lack of trying.  What is God’s will.  I live now hoping to live long enough to care for my dog another decade or two so he can have a good life. My own life has been a remarkable journey and adventure .I don’t know where the time went. I certainly had greatest passion with the most extraordinary goddesses, lovers and friends.  

My back hurts. I was angry and self pitying in Edinburgh visiting family castles frustrated at my inability to find more about my grandfather when I slipped on the Seat in the rain and hurt my back, the last straw, early athletic injuries, then construction work injuries, then falls, bike crashes, car crashes, plane crashes, truck crashes, motorcycle crashes.  Miracles of NDE. Lying in hospital beds waiting to hear if my spine had been broken again. Now I’ve evidence of an old fracture and the pain that radiates to my hip and leg and is just a product of my over eating, my lack of stretching, and my self pitying.  Poor me.  My friend says get down of the cross we can use the wood. I’m not Jesus and Jesus died for me so I don’t have to be on the cross.  I do like ice cream, tv and lying on the couch.  The pain reminds me of how much I have to learn and how hard it is to change. I’m fasting and must fast more. It’s a new day I must spend more time on my knees.  Remember the Hound of Heaven and the Long Dark Night of the Sout.  

Thank you God. An attitude of gratitude.  I’m grieving Sally, George, Archie, Bernie, Hank and all those who’ve gone before.  Thank you God.  

Thank you Jesus for this story and sacrifice rebirth and resurrection.  Thank you Jesus.

Turn Down Morning

I loved the song ‘it’s a turn down day’ by the Cykle.  It played on the radio when I was a teen and captured the spirit of pleasant summer days.  

It’s my day off and all I have planned is a Docside Clinic Party at 5 at Season’s in the Park Restaurant Q E Park. 33rd and Cambie. I also have an online Cyberdocs meeting I try to make at 1 but if I don’t I can make the 8 am meeting tomorrow.  Laura is coming over too.

I slept well dreaming of the afterlife with family and friends. I have a sea like the Greek Islands and also a Forest Riverside area where I hunt. I was in the forest house with many rooms,  It was a comforting dream. I was in bed at 10 and woke at 2 and went back to sleep.  I had turned off the alarm but work at 7 anyway and got up planning to sleep more on the couch, I meditated little and was reading when there was a truck outside and a woman, When I opened the door Madigan came out barking. The staff complained about him being off the leash. He was 10 feet from the door but I thanked then and promised I’d have himn on the leash, I don’t like complaining neighbours . It’s not like he’s a big dog and I was there calling him back. I just didn’t want to go out in the rain in my boxer shorts and t shirt, My bad,  I also thought I’m only here for another week or two. Then I’m travelling and the rules will change from place to place. I’m ready for the holidays and away from the constant threat of offending someone.  Canada has become such an offensive nation under Trudeau.

I normally would pray and meditate more.  Martin Luther King would say ‘it’s a tough day so I need to spend more time on my knees’.  It’s actually a light day.

It’s been dark and grey with lots of rain earlier. Madigan needs a walk. I usually do that first thing and also shower but I’ve done little here, I did take care of phone calls.  I’ve just avoided sitting at my desk,  I’m waiting for a call now from Ralf’s where they’re checking my satellite phone coverage, I’ve only a Canadian plan and would like one that covers US and maybe Mexico too. It’s my emergency plan. I have cell phone and Star link.  I just hope to do some more ‘off grid’ camping and use the generator for Starlink. Last year I saw some wilderness style campgrounds in Oregon and Northern California. In Southern California there and Arizona there were places in the Dessert I could pull over for a day or two I’d like to mix it up but still mostly be in RV Resorts.  

I’ve moved all my valuables into storage, The RV is ready for storage too.  Next week I bring the Camper here to tranfer clothes and such from here to there.  I’ve Merry Maids booked and Paul’s Tow Truck.   I’m storing my car on the 26 or 27 with Dave driving me back. I can leave for sure on Dec. 28, 500 km a day driving and a half dozen interesting audiobook planned.  I love the holiday feeling as the stress goes. I feel so relaxed driving south , I love the coastal route,

I talked with Peter and he and Larry are heading out as usual Boxing Day and planning to be in LA Jan. 1.  They’re taking the I5.  I wonder if I should but I don’t like the Grant Pass and I do like letting the little guy run on the beaches. I love the memory of blind Gilbert running on the beaches for the first time since he lost his eyes. I loved his joy.  We do have fun along thee coast.  The freeway experience happens at SAN Francisco and LA so I’m glad for the forest and sea route.  4 -5 days driving was fine,  I avoided night driving mostly last time and that made all the difference,  I’m going to try that again, I’ve a number of RV parks too at the 500 km range so could phone ahead and book each day.  The one night I drove at night and didn’t find a place for a few hours happened because several sites were closed for the winter,  Better planning and research this time,  Each trip is it’s own adventure, 

Thank you God.for this day.  

Chilly Morning

I woke at 3 and 5 to fix the heater fuse,  The vibration or something causes it to become lose so the furnace doesn’t work. It did this last year. I thought it was fixed, I went back to sleep well each time remembering all the nights on call I’d missed sleep and the off shore sailing night after night on watch.

I dreamed I was at my hunting lodge in the valley by the rapids or on the ridge with my truck. In the lodge men were talking of moose they’d shot and I was telling them about the 7 grouse I had in the freezer saying grouse was gold but even I wasn’t believing it. Yet I’d so enjoyed the grouse curry I made last week  I think some dreams have the residue of the day.  Others come from a deeper level. In the next I ‘m in a sports jacket and tie,  a young man talking to a room of older wealthy power family men speaking to my mind on behalf of those who ‘don’t fit’.  I was saying that the ‘choices’ were limited and exclusive.   The rewards of tokenism we’re going to only a select few,  I became impassioned and lost my voice responding to the stupidity of power,  I’d clearly moved some but lost others and felt like I’d often felt advocating for others though in a way I myself was included.  

Like the funny walks of John Cleese,  Some were definitely included but others not so,  

We are taught look for the similarities and not the differences, It was clearly a speech about haves and have nots. In the end I was still welcome though perhaps less so as I’d not moved the most entrenched authority.  That may be the military industrial complex’s. I might have been arguing for the inclusion of an accordion or Banjo in the marine band.  In the dream it was clear I appreciated the bag pipes.  But Trudeau is outlawing a whole new group of guns and gun owners in Canada are planning to paint their hunting rifles pink.  He’s such a tyrant, nazi communist traitor and the cost of heat is probably what triggers such.  the cost of living,  And yet I’m doing okay

My life is good,  I’ve had an adventure though feel passed over.  I feel I’ve spent years advocating for others concerns and now facing old age feel alone and vulnerable It’s all illusion though and I am trained to focus on the positive ,

The dream was a looking into my past, my Canadian upbringing, my values and generosity and willingness to help and courage,  The Cause that Jesus died for, was ours, not his really, He could have walked away.   I always thought I’d go north but now older I’m much more sensitive to the cold and wearied by the struggle of the wilderness. Like the Gods in Dick Slaterly Holistic Detective agency I can see the merit in a retirement community.  I appreciate Howard Hughes living in a hotel. 

I’m my camper I have all I need.  I remember dad with his canoe and motor and van fishing all summer.  I imagine I could do that. But I’m loonging to look at more art, I ‘m looking forward to Hansel’s Messiah,  

I may yet end up a monk,  I imagine I’d still like an air ship,  The way to get around the congestion of the city.  Personal drones and helicopters,  Air traffic control would be a concern,  I do like motion and the air is all that remains unexplored individually. I’ve certainly been a passenger in planes for years at a time, Fly in doctor services,  

I could use another coffee,  Christmas is near and I’m focused on the cold today.  The warmth is inside, We say we’ll love you till you can love yourself We call spirituality growing love inside. The solution is within,  I know this. It’s the practice that’s hard,

Thank you God for this day 

Christ and Christmas

“In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made  In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it,”. John 1,1-6

“The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world”John 1, 9

This is the meaning of Christmas,  Each year the earth moves away from the sun and the days grow shorter, Each year the earth returns to the sun and the days grow longer,  In each life we do the same,  Each day, for there is only one day, we move away from the sun and return to the sun,  This is called the coming of the Christ.  Enlightenment. 

God is all,  I am a child of God as Jesus was the child of God.  

The Ascent of Mount Carmel, the dark night of the soul, and cares left among the lillies.

My Sweet Lord, I really want to know you, George Harrison

Christmas is the tine of contemplation.  In the lighting of candles, families reunited, peace on earth, theRembrandt of birth, love not war, prayer and meditation,  

It begins,  

The days become longer, Another cycle renews,  We go round and round and round in the circle game,  Joni Mitchell.

Yes,  

Thank you

My mother taught me to get on my knees beside my bed and pray to god giving thanks, praying for the health and wellness of my friends and family.  She taught me as child to have faith and trust,  Do not be afraid Jesus said time and time  again,  Forgive,  

Thank you Jesus Thank you God, Thank you Holy Spirit

Brunette River Walk

The day lightened up.  It was gloomy earlier. Madigan and I just did the Brunette River walk.  Several other walker with their dogs, Winter coated humans except the athletes running by in space age body clinging attired,  An occasional dog wore a jacket too.  But the weather was mild.  Madigan having lost hid heavy coat weeks back was warm enough in his summer trim.

I liked the hemlock.  Enjoyed stopping to look at the running river,  

There were no birds today. I usually see mallards and often a great blue heron. My favourite is the king fisher.  I once saw an eagle there close up and some hawks., I do like birds.  Recently the fish were migrating but now there’d nothing much happening,  A CN train went by.  

im enjoying the walk counter in the iPhone 16.  It tells me I’ve done 3,800 steps. 10,000 is recommended. I’m normally doing 3-4000 now but when I began counting I was only doing 2 to 3000.  I really did think I was doing 10,000.  I walk the dog several times a day but what I thought was a greater distance turned out only to be 1000 steps each circle of the park. I used to walk the river trail a couple of times during covid years then became concerned about the bullies, bikes and bears.  It was easier to stay in the park but I’m sure I reduced my distance each outing by 1-2000 steps My best so far in 5-6000 steps.  A minor project, 

Assad left Syria and took asylum in Russia.  I didn’t like Assad and was hopeful when he was almost turfed before Putrin came to his side.  Syria might well know peace.  Imagine visiting Damascus one day with all that history,  I’d wanted to go to Egypt but the Muslim Brotherhood was causing instability and terrorist were bombing Copt churched,  

I’ve been hanging s down turn day. I’d thought to go downtown on the weekend but the congestion caused by the Taylor Swift concert and some other events made it easier for me to stay home. I even missed church this morning having woken and 4 am and then gone back to sleep after 6. 

Laura sent me pictures of her red glittery nails.  She looks very festive.  I’m hardly into Christmas yet. I did read about the Annunciation but haven’t even opened Mathew or Luke.  I’m mostly prepared to go south.  Just waiting to move from RV to Camper. I’ve been investigating RV parks but feel limited by the Southern California and border response to Trumps taking power Jan 6.  

thank you Jesus halliluhaja 

Anxiety

It’s a word for a feeling. A sort of empty even painful hollow sort of feeling Confusing really.  Uncertainty of death.  The opposite of envy. Hearing of people you may or may not know already in assisted living ,  The undermining insertion of mimetic viruses of fear and loathing,  Clinging to the tattered remnants of faith like a flag shot through and through

I believe. 

I love.

 

I am. 

The Creator is not me or if it is me it’s the Shadow side for I know not how to fly or know with any solace the future or even the myth of the past.

If is the season of the Christmas story. Jesus of Nazareth. I’m wholly unprepared.  The Postal Strike.  The Eras Tour of Taylor Swift. The money no longer sufficient in millions or billions now being described in trillions, Inflationn and secular security.  Thieves and capitalists and communist.  The politicians and other salesmen are toting the term ‘giving Tuesday’.  The shell game continues,

I understand gambling. The allure of the dandelion petals. She loves me she loved me not.

A beggar to pass his year of requisite learning must sit with a begging bowl believing that someone will give him food and drink. He must practically accept grace and known the synchronicity of his belly and the universe.

The lack of faith id the satanic.  

The oldest law of the world or so I learned is that Chinese teaching , there are big fish and little fish and the little fish must be fast and numerous.  Conditional and unconditional love,

Thank you God. Thank you Jesus.  Thank you Holy Spirit. Thank you Mother Mary.  Thank you grand fathers and grandmothers. Thank you ancestors. Thank you relatives and friends. Thank you today.

It is 4 am, I went to bed reading Tori Ames and now am awake remembering New York and Moscow.  

Leaches , parasites and symbiotes,

I am thinking more of death, transformation from this world to the next.  Passings, Preparation,  How vulnerable, The begging bowl.

Believing, 

I am not alone.  I only knew of one man crucified or three as a child, Now I’ve learned of millions, the Armenians.I visited an Armenian church,  The priest had no illusions,

My father described men as ‘hard’, meaning their hearts were hard as in scarred. He was anxious in the end about his pension. It ran out at 90 and he lived longer than 90. His children, especially my brother reassured him.

I am today without a child or a brother and thought earlier of the woman how aborted my child and the women who withheld children not interested in anything but themselves as princess and then that day in the room with the play boy and the white dressed nurse ourdfied the door and giving her the vial of white.  The sperm were viable. I’d made all the effort and given the millions and they’d made all the promises and the media blamed it all on men,  We were stupid gullible and Pierre Trudeau pushed abortion and now Justin Trudeau continues the family hatred of Catholics and Christians killing babies, burning their churches and inviting invasion and changing the language.

I am alone,

She once described the men and women she loathed who took care of pets but did not have children,  But false allegations and lies and libel flourish in Canada so where can one be Caesar’s wife within this world of empty begging bowls,

Dog eat dog.  Rule of the jungle, 

Or forgiveness and love.  

Where can one retreat - Cappidocea , Meterora,  A good book.  

I’m watching Star Trek again, the Empire and Rebels.  God the father, God the son,  The passage of earth as a lesson in humility.  

Patience,  

I want to know you Creator.  Maybe if I’m with you I’ll grasp the Hitchiker’s Guide to Religiodity.  The Idiots guide to enlightenment,  I was fervently disappointed to learn Alan Watts was quite the drunk. I’ve thought the same of the writing of prophets and the Church has definitely had it’s drunken propes,  The Imans lust and sneak opium and hashish,

Life on life’s terms,  I am here clear witted offered a daily reprieve from demon drink.  Another escape lost to me, No wonder i follow the Mars expedition story with such interest.  And the demented escape like the psychotic to the dreams in their heads,

God is good all the time,  Thank you Jesus,  

Foggy morning

Last night I took a propane tank in my Mini to the Lougheed gas station to have it filled, It’s been cold these mornings. I’ve been anxious about heat.  I miss the tropics of Saipan.  I’m looking forward to driving south to warmth in a few weeks

“Is it foggy like this often?” The gas station asked.  He was brown skinned and I knew that would offend some racist if he knew I was thinking in colour. But those haters lump my freckled white and broken skin as white lumping me with the peaches and cream English lot. 

“Not so much here in Burnaby but it’s really foggy in winter near the sea.  False Creek Kitsilano, ‘

I’m from India and I’ve only been here a couple of winters.  It’s very foggy there’.

‘Where in India?” 

“Punjabi”.

“I was there four years ago I was in Delhi, Bombay and Kerala. I loved the warmth in the south.’

He was masterfully filling my propane tanks making it look so easy.  He then lifted it into the back of my car for me.  I liked that he was caring for me I expect because of my age,

There had been so many Singhs in the news recently for crime that I wondered about the culture of India.  Aren’t the mother’s raising their children right any more.  I didn’t like the Singh who was caught with dozens of catalytic converters.  Mine had been stolen off my Ford F350 in my parking lot.  I felt there needed to be worse laws against theft of men’s transportation.  It used to be your horse was inviolate. The joke is that no one sees children on bicycles only meth addicts on stolen ones .  My friend has had her workman’s tools stolen from her van twice this year.    She couldn’t work that day till she went out and bought new tools, a major expense in her trade.  

I was raised with the 10 commandments.  Thou shalt not murder. Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt no bear false testimony.  Yet Canadas has such weak laws as to encourage crime under Trudeau our prime minister whose family has been called the ‘communist crime family’.  Communists don’t even have truth gut always defer to the latest edict of the party. Power is right.  Most have fear based societies,  But integrity is about doing the right thing even if no one is looking,

“It’s too hot in Keralla in the summer.” He said.  We’d walked into the till and he was ringing up my order $35.  $10 dollars cheaper than when its delivered,

“I’m driving down to Mexico in a couple of weeks,  It’s too hot in summer but older I find the cold in Canada less appealing,”. He was smiling like he understood old people and their preference for heat,  We become like reptile dependent on the sun to mobilize our bodies.,  He’s young and warm blooded,

I drove away in the fog liking the young man feeling his simple kindness and care had reassured me about his people.  I have so many friends from other cultures.  The Sikhs I know unlike our opposition leader are wise and caring.  The media portrays that Sikh as a baffoon The media portrays everyone negatively.If it bleeds it leads. 

“All my friends were from all over ,” she told me showing me a picture of a half dozen girls as teens, every colour and shape and size represented.  I moved to Saskatchewan for a couple of years and though everyone was so white I felt black because my upbringing in Kits had been so multi ethnic.” 

I would have thought more of this but I was remembering bicycling in the south of France seeing the yellow headlights in the low lands where the fog along the river was pea soup thick.  I was with the mot beautiful woman in the world andd young and in love.,  I like that memories like that and the time in Kerallas with another gorgeous female creature come to mind, I feel rich and warm then,  The chill goes out of the night and I’m warmed by all the blessings I’ve been known.

 Just now collecting propane and meeting a delightful young human from halfway around the world away in a country I’ve visited a couple of times and so enjoyed the richness of culture.  Here I love the tandoori chicken and mango lassis. We’re mostly introduced to novelty gastronomically like babies who will put anything in their mouth.  We beginning open mouths and some of us are fortune to remain open minded but there are sadly those whose minds are so open whatever marbles they had fall out.

I’m here saying the serenity prayer.  Thank you God.  Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. 

It’s foggy again today. I must dress and hurry to the clinic.  The day is beginning, I’m truly grateful for this life and this world I’ve so thankful for all the blessings,  Without white I’d not appreciate black and without black I’d not appreciate white,  I’m so glad my mind is not binary but appreciate the full spectrum.  When I’m afraid or angry I’m reduced to us and them but when I’m calm I know God is all and I’m so thankful to feel the presence of this higher power.  Thank you God for this life, this creation, today the events I will face and the good memories I carry. Thank you for peace of mind. I know that now I see through the glass darkly. I play hide and seek with Jesus in the foggy days and love the light and warmth of your love and gaze, Thank you God. 

Latest life review

I woke at 4 am today. I was having a good sleep and sweet dreams with visitations of family who have passed,  I’d gone to bed early at 9 and read till 10 am,  It seems that 6 hours is all the sleep I need now. I tried to return to sleep but didn’t.  I cuddled Madigan petting him and repeated prayers. At 5 am I climbed out of bed to begin my day,  Toilet and shave and brushing hair.  It was chilly. I was in tshirt and underwear but pulled on sone sweats,

I brought out the chair I use and sat to meditate,  I was there for a half hour.  

I am asking God to keep me sober and sane. I pray for family and friends and patients., I ask for meaning and purpose and guidance. Today I prayed that he would take my hand and lead me. I’ve had enough directions, I have so many maps But still i wander off course. I feel lost. Even though I’m probably not. On a good day I’d see it as playing hide and seek with God. Now I’m just a bit tired winding down to being off work. 

I’m looking forward to heading south. I’m like the birds.  The child has touched me, Migration time, I’ve fulfilled a myriad of tasks with passports and chip up date for the dog, truck maintenance and camper maintenance, I’ve arranged for storage.  Last night I took a couple of large bags of clothes and shoes to the storage bin, many moving parts. 

The Post Office Strike has interfered with my Christmas gift giving.  A number of toys were returned and now I don’t know what I’ve sent. I’ll ask the parents.

I’ve been concerned about finances .It’s unreasonable and I need to be grateful. The trigger is travel and time off.  It bothers me that Trudeau has been so incompetent, corrupt and a spend thrift causing excess inflation and continuing to give our money to illegal imnmigrants,  I’m going through the states and the Canadian dollar is only 70 cents under Trudeau. 

The media is full of stories of criminal behaviour and every once in a while i feel anxious about adventure, I’m like a Hobbit older, I could just stay home then one day I’ll just stay in bed.  I asked Peter who gypsies with his Allegra and Larry if he was concerned about the election affecting Southern California.  He wasn’t . That was assuring, I don’t want to be in riots with a camper a dog and a Vespa.  

I’m better equipped for virtual work and travel this year. I enjoy my Apple office and Starlink and cellular communication.In fact I want to go to do it one more time at least to prove to myself I’ve honed the skill, I’m actually looking forward more to visiting relatives in May, seeing the little ones, I’d go there rather than south but am concerned about driving difficult roads in winter.  I have the outboard boat to bring back too. Fishing plans.

God I am yours.  You have given me this life, You are my creator,  I don’t consider myself a random event.  My presence is solely due to your grace, I am blessed too with the fond memories of parents and grandparents and teachers and mentors. It’s been a hard journey but with discipline, resilience and struggle I’ve come through this far.  I still am weighted by the memories of trauma, humiliation, failure, shame, struggle conflict. That’s not a true reflection of the journey but rather the errors of my media mind.  If it bleeds it leads.  I’m so thankful that more often now I’m reminded of all the blessings I’ve received.  God, you are good all the time, 

I ‘d love to tell my mother I loved her one more time, I ‘d love to tell my father I loved him one more time. I ‘d like to say the same to my Aunt Sally and brother Ron,  I’d love to say farewell to ex wives and intimate friends and remember them for the best not the worst. I want to be more forgiving. I do miss sex and nudity and the carefree confidence of youth. 

I feel alone and must remember you are there and there is a phone I can call others with,  I’m more of a recluse due to my work,  I don’t like the pain but won’t exercise enough.

I’m not sure of religion or politics.  It’s confusing.  I don’t like that Biden pardoned his coke addicted psychopath of a son, the king pin in his criminal family but then I’d pardon my son if I was a father. I’m too indulgent of my dog,

I watched BLITZ last night and enjoyed it though I don’t like the secular religion preachiness about racism and socialism.  There was even a Jews soft selling Marx and portraying the physical as spiritual,  Capitalism and corporatism and progress I’m weary of the out dated politics.  I’m enjoying Yellowstone.

What I do get excited about is the Starship.  I like the idea of space travel, I want to meet other races from other planets, I want to be enlightened by Jesus Christ, the trans dimensional being who will lift me out of my ego and limitation and tendency to catastrophic and self pity,.  I am the hero in my Joseph Campbell Journey but the Fool in the deck of tarot. I grieve my innocence and want sophistication but fell trapped between the two,  Twin spirited,  I missed church on Sunday. I slept in. I enjoyed hearing Christmas carol on Praise in the car and singing along.

I would do that which is right but don’t and i would not do that which i wrong but I do,  Sin and addiction, I look for joy and god in the wall of creation or in my mind. I love laughter,

I am grateful, I go to the clinic to day so have to dress.  I’ll see Mary Lou and Garry. There’s a new doctors Roberts I don’t know and  the new young psychiatrist. I realize I’m the old elephant and feel the lack of respect but know I’m just tolerated till there’s a drought and everyone needs the old again.  I was thinking how Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran wrote and sang soothing music like lullabies.  We need our love stories but they we faced Vietnam and now there’s Ukraine and Syria and Israel and South China Seas,  There’s a cacophony of noise and the young people want to either express anger in rap or be soothed by pretty. 

 I wanted awakening when I was young, looking to religion and philosophy anthropology, science, psychology, for answers, I readDoystoyevski ,  Black like me and Gun Germs and Steel later. . Now I’ve just read gene and artificial intelligence,  I was thankful to pass the Oxford course on Prehistory and write an essay on shamanism,  I’m thankful to have had Adell and Aim to reach out to.  I too easily forget that I know the best of the best people and they are there to help.  I think of Phillip Ney and want to visit but he’s on the island and I’ve not taken the camper on the ferry.  Then there’s Willie too and both have the Bible and family. They’re father’s and related to God the father but I’m a childless man and think of aunts and uncles,  I’m anima and animus.  I’m a childlsss man.  

I have to pay the WPATH and Doctor dues.

I have a dog, Thank you God for Madigan,  He’s come close to being neutered and to being euthanized ,  I worry about his viciousness when he’s around Laura and yet alone with me he’s adorable. I don’t know about the dynamic of three,  Two adults and a child, He constantly wants to be the boss in that arrangement annd is psychotic trying to hump her, something about hormones, pheromes and treats. and feels that Laura and He are together against me. It’s a classic Mother Son against Father dischord.  I’ m back in family 101 and don’t want to be trying to guide women. The same dynamic occurs over and over , the under mining,  the female lion and old male.  No wonder we want to be alone.  Then I’m with my dog and we’re okay and she’s off with her whole social network.  It’s all about sex.  She’s here and  I’m unable to control my dog’s behaviour .  I think it’s microcosm of society and our times. The Muslim religion with four wives and sex slaves and concubines is flouring while Christian me go without sex or gay. The feminists are outdated and strange with major masochistic or rape fantasies wanting Hamma over Israel.. 

My dogs before were different and socialized,  this guy is a covid dog with little socialization in the first year adn then terrible trauma with hair cuts and now very anxious and defensive yet dependent and adorable. I just feel he’s my responsibility. I have this duty streak and the gene is strong.  Like truth and love and a whole group of other traits we called Christian or Canadian or such.  Now they’re all disparaged by our leadership and media and we’re condemned. All our successes are being taken from us and torn down while we’re disarmed and the women are celebrating the pretty boys.  Long necked women of the bible,  Toxic masculinity. Dirty whites. Kill bill. There’s even a movie and the rats and mice. Feed at night on the dead left over from the war.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I loved when Cunk said she was asked what she was going to do in 5 years and she said she was just trying to get to Friday.  

I enjoyed the VSO at the Opheum and loved the  violinist playing Stravinsky. I do like Tausk too. A lovely evening,  We're going to Bach Choirs’ Hansel’s Messiah at the symphony this week. I would like to go to the Nutcracker,  RWB is in town and Goh is doing it again.  I liked the Pacific Theatre Christmas show in the past but haven’t been so engaged since Ron stepped down. I have not been to a ballet this year. I am looking forward to going to the theatre and museum in LA and maybe San Diego. I’ve been reading up on the Impressionists and wanted to go to Berlin, Vienna and Venice. Laura is better now she’s seen a doctor.  The issue of health and stamina and financies are all ‘limiting’ especially as I have the disease of ‘more’.  What I need is more gratitude and more presence,  Practicing the presence of God.  

I’m enjoying the Ethiopian coffee. I roasted more beans on the weekend.  

Thank you Jesus for a new day. May I serve you and do the best I can and be the best doctor today.  Thank you

  

Dark Morning

It’s dark outside. I woke at 530 am, Darkness,  Now it’s 730 am and there’s some light in the southern sky. 

I read social media and news. Epoch and Tucker, Facebook, Instagram and X.  I felt tired and depleted after that. I’d woken from dreams of being with friends.  Kayaking at the beach ,  Community. I loved seeing Art,  He’s a reserve Air Force colonel,  He became excited showing me a transport plane he was cleared for,  I know the feeling of having larger boats gives me, The increased sense of power but I do like the nimbleness of my Vespa today,

There are two sides to me, Anima and Animus,  Vespa and Harley.  The Vespa takes me back to when I loved to cycle everywhere but the Harley is part of my Ford F350 truck and trailers.  I supposed I long these days for both a house and parking lot and my simple truck and camper,  

I do identify with the idea of ‘twin spirited’.  Yet the bible bemoanss the double minded.  I’m clearly wanting God, I meditated today on my rekatiuonbship, I read of the fellow who talked to God driving to work, He called that meditation,  Prayer to me is talking to God ,  Meditation listening,  Today I repeated the word OM as I sat mindful of my breath., My mind would flit to various thoughts and scenarios and I’d bring it back, I liked wherein the circle of light formed in my mind dnd I thought of times past as I explored this ‘may the circle be unbroken’. Moment. Other times I counted flaming numbers in my mind, I was creative in days past,

Today there is just today. Memories are just that. I’m in my routine and slowly progressing.  I’m not pulled or pushed and certainly not in a hurry.  I was once so driven.  Today I’m not in a rush.  I might even develop some patience,  I will know God today in your actions and ny actions and the unfolding of the day,

I prayed to be sober and alert, I like the parable of the candles and waiting for the master’s return,  

That’s another part of me I miss, the hippy.  God seeking hippy.

Probably these thoughts are coming to mind as the war between Russia and Ukranie is stirred up by outgoing Biden regime,  Politics is draining,  All these people wasting lives.  Malthus.  War and plague.  

I miss dancing too. I become whistful about past activity.

My circle of friends is narrowed. I’m not nearly as active. I walk the dog.  When the Jets were taken out of the whirlpool I stopped going there and swimming at the same time. I thought to do that today.  

A part of me is in limbo waiting to head south,  Long hours of driving.,  Great views, Challeges.  Adventure. I’d just as soon drive across Canada but the snow makes driving a truck with a camper a bit too challenging, The attraction of the south is heat and sunshine. I’m uncertain whether to head for Rasarori or Algadores.  I hope to stop in LA on the way south so I can cvisit some art galleries, I’ve been enjoying the impressionists,  I’m reading the history and lives like someone might read the stories of rock stars,  I’m a bit of a groupy that way.

Tonight I’m seeing and hearing thee VSO performa Stravinsky.  I pick up Laura at 6.

There’d s meeting at noon,.  

I certainly could make a run to the storage locker to drop things off but that could wait till tomorrow There’s some work I could do, phone calls to be made.  I’m also enjoying the thriller I’m reading and could do a litttle read and nap on thee couch with a nearby cup of coffee,

It’s a fairly blank slate I ask myself how best I can fill in the spaces.  I do a lot in spurts, I’ve done a week of work some days even more than 8 hours and gone out a couple of times to clinics, It’s the off time I’ve been questioning,. I’ve completed a variety of government forms and licenses, I rely on a PO Box and the mail strike is certainly negatively affecting my business and Christmas preparation,  Peter has a private mail service and I m now seeing the merit in that. Mail should be an essential service if I’m considered an essential service.  I filled out he new dog travel to the US form and received the receipt.  That was a coup.  Madigan’s need for eye drops alerted me to the new border crossing regulations, 

I’n enjoying Elon Musk’s progress on Sarship and his complaints about government overreach and cover regulations.  I feel the weight of government especially the WEF ditactor want to be Trudeau and all the totalitarian moves with censorship and communist chinese involvement in our elections and government. Indeed the media emphasis is irritating.  I’m seduced into their pet peeves and the propaganda invades like rats,  I know it’s Friday.

I’m Alive, I’ve food and shelter heat and safety and purpose and plans and family and friends, I’m blessed.  I’m grateful. Thank you God for this day.  

Sin and the 12 steps

Richard Rohr, Franciscan monk, proposed that sin was the biblical word for what we call addiction today.  Sin was used in archery to denote ‘missing the mark’.  

 In Romans 7:19 Paul said, For I do not do the good I want to do but the evil I do not want to do …this I keep doing.”

This gets to the core of intention and outcome.  Dr. Phillip Ney felt that the second law of nuclear physics pertained to sin in the world,  A perfect state would be described by the first law of thermodynamics without entropy.

Milton in Paradise Lost best described the first angel , Satan, as preferring to look at his shadow than to turn around and lose himself in the light of God’s gaze.  

Pride is the first sin and also the hubris of the Greek philosophers.  

The 12 step programs once called  the “way out’, describe the individual aa overwhelmed by separation and alienation and seeing their individuality, the ego, as all.  Psychological studies of alcoholics and addicts showed them to be developmentally regressed, selfish and self centered..

Anna Freud, the child analyst daughter of Sigmund, described the developmental journey from the narcissism of the baby to the altruism of the grandparent.  Alcoholics and addicts were seen as “stuck’ in childhood or adolescence using coping skills which no longer served in the mature adult world.  

C.S. Lewis , the great Christian theologian said ‘ don’t look for God in the wall’.  That’d like looking for love in all the wrong places.  

The old joke about the materialist scientist of the distant future is that they confront God and say they can create human and all of life from dirt just as God did. But as they are about to demonstrate their prowess God says, ‘get your own dirt’. 

In the church the sins have been separated in to most serious or mortal or lesser. Venial..  Pride is considered to generate all other sins,    Humility is considered the ultimate antidote as is the understanding of Grace,  The song of addiction is Frank Sinatra’s I did it my way’.  I especially like the Eagles Song, Desperado. The first step of AA is ‘surrender’ but not as in the military use of the word which my friend skips to say ‘her own position was likely overrun’.   It’s more like the Kenny Rogers song the Gambler. You have to know when to fold them,  We don’t need to take the down elevator to the basement or subbasement. We can get off at any floor.  

The 12 mortal sins are 

1, Murder

2. Adultery

3. Theft

4. Bearing false witness

5.  Blasphemy 

6. Apostasy

7. Despair

8. Gluttony

9. Greed

10. Lust

11 Sloth

12. Envy

AA and NA address these in the 12 steps and it’s interesting to consider the 12 step spin offs that have occurred.  Sexaholics anonymous focuses on lust , Overeaters anonymous on Gluttony.  Indeed Alcoholics, narcotics, cocaine anonymous and marijuana anonymous could all be said to focus on gluttony and sloth.  The addiction is not just what is done but what is neglected.  

Dr AbrahamTwerski addresses much of these ‘errors’ in his classic book ‘Addictive thinking, understanding Self Perception.  The alcoholics and addict wants to be the ‘victim’ and say ‘poor me, poor me, poor me another drink’. Yet in AA the men say’ get down off the cross we can use the wood’.  

The idea of right size is finding purpose and meaning and joy and pleasure in right measure but not in over indulgence or unhealthy abuse,  As Joni Mitchel sang of Wood stock we have to get back to the garden. For  most that means we have to sacrifice something, the apple being the image.  Each person’s apple is different.  The epidemic of America is obesity and fentanyl and the study of disease is about not judging the person who has a different addiction  Take the log out of your own eye before you try to take the sliver out of another’s eye, said Jesus.

Trungpa, the great Buddhist teacher,said that we in the west suffered ‘spiritual consumerism’. We wanted to ‘own’ and keep that which is at best rented or leased.  Ernest Becker wrote the classic psychiatric book, the Denial of Death.  Existential angst is fundamental root of human existence.  Yet in communion we can love and only love conquers all.  Jung talked of the shadow self. In 12 steps they say we are as sick as our secrets. Addiction is the symptom of the spiritual disease. The anxiety we feel is described as the god shaped hole that substances can’t fill but community can. We are not alone.

Gratitude Monday

Thank you for this day, for life, for Madison, for sobriety, for light, for heat, for scent, for sight, for feelings.

Thank you for thermonuclear reactions

Thank you for DNA

Thank you for food and kitchens and living rooms and indoor plumbing

Thank you for Madigan,

Thank you God for all creation, Thank you creators. Thank you for ‘luck’ and ‘chance’ and ‘coincidence’ and all the other ways you act anonymously. Help me see you in of the events of my day. Help me do better to day to be a better person and more kind and wise.  Thank you Creator Thank you Holy Spirit.

Thank you for love, Thank you for family and friends,  I pray they all do well today. Thank you for work, Help me be the best I can be and be of service to those who I can help.

Thank you for clean air and the recent rains and recent blue sky.  

Thank you for oceans and mountains and meadows,

Thank you for nano technology and the crisper.

Thank you for universities and colleges and schools, Thank you for good judges and good government.  

Thank you for communication.

Thank you for iPhone 16,  Thank you for vehicles Thank you for my Vespa 300 Super Tech GT. Thank you for my Ford F350 and Adventurer camper. Thank you for the city and the country and the opportunity to explore and drive.  Thank you for adventure.  Thank you for camping and coming home to the luxuries of running water and furnaces. 

Thank you for pottery and utensils

Thank you for hospitals and factories and airplanes,  Thank you for technology.

Thank you for choirs and Christmas and symphony and dance,

thank you for the Churches

Thank you Jesus,  Hallelujah

How elderly can stay in their own place

When people get older they are at risk of being institutionalized.  Elderly can be forgetful but so can the young. However if an old person leaves the bath tub water on floods the tub and damages the apartment building they will be considered a threat to their neighbours.

The other major reason for the elderly to lose their independence is leaving the stove on or causing a fire,

I used to be called out on home visits to assess if the elderly were ‘competent’ to live independently.  Water and fire were the principle concerns.  

Today there are devices that can be put on faucets to shut them off automatically.  They are called “automatic faucet shutoff’,  I found a cheap one at the Alzhemer’store but there are several more just line the ones in the airport

There’s also sensors that detect when you leave the stove on and also stove switches that are always on a timer to reduce risk of fires.  

When I head about these devices first in England help the old remain in their homes I looked on the internet and found a very few. Today I looked and there were many more. Amazon had a range of choices.  My plumber friends says she installs them.  I expect any electrician could install the stoce timers’

Burnaby after the Bomb Cyclone hits west coast

I pulled in my awning last night. My home was shaking.  Madigan was barking. I consider first an earth quake or someone hitting my home. The convulsive nature of the movement told me it was the awning. I rolled it in with some difficulty noting the heavy rain I’d only noticed then.  Laura had texted me her building was shaking.  On facebook Anita said their power was out. I was thankful for my generator.  

The weather station at the air port said we had 40 knot/hour winds gusting to 50’s.  On the Beaufort scale that was gale conditions. I’d sailed uncomfortably in these often.  I like4 30 knots and 40 at most or I was pulling sails. I’d been in storms and hurricanes but at sea with lots of open water I just had to face my fear with the cat and dog.  On land I’d no such fear.  There were 70 km to 100 km winds on the west coast.  I’d been knocked down in the Juan de Fuca so know that South easterlies out there are a major concern. Tofino would be wild.  Here in Burnaby we were okay.  I did see flashes on the power lines so knew conductors were blowing off to the west.  Exciting times.  I’m awed by the force of nature, humbled really. 

I stayed home after walking Madigan before the rains came.  I ‘d had a long day, driven into Doc Side and home, then seen patients virtually into the evening. I considered going out for fast food but remember the chilli I had in Tupperware.  Thank God for microwave.  With toast I was fine.. 

The furnace kept me warm with the dancing flames of the electric fireplace.  I watched Cross occasionally glanced at Facebook to see how others were handling the weather.

Sadly the crazy weather change cult were crying that it was the act of GAIA their god and we would all die because we’d used plastic.  The worst of the fools is Trudeau who sounds more and more like a deranged televangelist demanded more taxes or your genitals would shovel and we’d all be dead because you didn’t take him seriously enough. More doomsaying going on about monkey virus.  Then demented Joe Biden tells Zelenskyy to send long range missiles into Russia.  Trump is to take presidency Jan 6 and had already spoken to Putin about Peace talks.  But no, the Democrats and Kamala want war and any means to maintain power. They really are afraid of what may come to light when they can no longer control the FBI. It’s like the Stazi and the fall the East Germany.  

Democrats who had accused the Republicans of being violent and not want to turn in their guns to the Democrats are now calling for Civil War and the assassination of Trumps. He’s survived two actual attempts by the grace of God.  The US Democrats seem as deranged as Trudeau and I just wonder what drugs they’re on.  The Chinese have been caught saying they manipulated the last TRudeau election with interference in a crucial 40 seats.

I’m normally immune3 to doom zooming. If it doesn’t bleed it doesn’t lead.  But Trudeau wanting WWW3 is concerning given what a foolish weak coward he is.  

My interest is I’m planning to drive south with truck and camper to spend a couple of months working from home in the south. I’d hoped to go to Rosario in Mexico even but wonder if Southern California will be safe.  I can just detour to Yuma where I’ve been the last two winters.  It’s safe and solid so that may be a plan. 

I am reading Richard Rohr’s Breathing Underwater. Rather I’m listening to the audio book. John gave me thee book years ago and I read it then.  Now I’m enjoying revisiting it the same way I enjoyed revisiting Mario de Beauregard and Evelyn Underwood,  

Today I look forward to my meeting as usual. I’m hope the Merry Maids come this week but it may be next week. I’ m taking the truck in for service tomorrow and may make a chiropractor apt with Dr. Ready for the weekend,  The doctors are having their Christmas meeting Sunday morning,  I did enjoy church last week,  I’ve tickets for Handel’s Messiah and the VSO .  Two nights at the Orpheum coming up. Life is good.

I’m thankful. I’m trying to be present always. Keep your head in the same place and time your ass is!  It resonates with me, But I do enjoy the moments of nostalgia. I was touched for a week there remembering coming home from school to have Mom waiting with tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of milk.  I loved that she had a Star Trek themed birthday party. I can think or mom and dad and my brother Ron and be thoroughly touched to the heart such that tears some to my eyes. I’m so thankful that I’m beyond the time when all I remembered was trauma and loss. Now the good times and they were mostly good times come to mind,

Thank you Jesus.  

Monday, Gratitude

Yes, it’s a gratitude day. I’ve had a wonderful weekend completing tasks. My Apple equipment is mostly transferred and functioning better. I’m closer to my departure. I have some concerns about the world affairs only as it might affect my travel.  It’s not like I’m unconcerned but there are always ‘wars and rumors of wars’.  I want to be here is there is trouble but I want to be in the south for my health sake. I’m thankful for the exercise

I just returned from walking Madigan with his new hair cut a 1 1/2 times around the park. It’s chilly but there’s blue sky. I did enjoy church yesterday and the Vespa ride in the rain.  

I took a day off ibuprofen yesterday and today I took a baby aspirin but the holiday from all pills was okay. Much aching getting started walking,  Stretching is the key.  I don’t have the room here for that but could make the room,

I know I’m older because I’m looking forward to the cleaning ladies, I hope they’re this week.  I’m switching to the little camper end of December.  I’m looking forward to Christmas concerts. No plans for Christmas.  Probably turkey with Madigan,  I’m often alone though I’m invited to be part of community in recovery and church.  I will participate more but now with work do have a lot of human contact. I’ve been thinking about writing books again.  I even asked the new Chat GPT4 about plot.  It’d about conflict and I don’t think in the way of the plot. I enjoyed reading Robert Mackay’s Korean War novel.  I wonder about writing a novel set in my medical school experience or northern or pacific fly in experience, 

I wrote a chapter and lost it so I think God was telling me that wasn’t the route. Not humble enough,

I’m thankful for my groups. I’m thankful for family. I’m especially thankful for Madigan even if he is snarling and growling again since his hair cut. I enjoy long drives with him and the drive south would be an adventure,

It’s just that I have to go to Ontario in April May as well. I’m driving there with the camper too and bringing back the little boat and outboard. I’m thinking I’d like to be fishing on the ocean this summer or Harrison lake. Maybe hunting with the boat too.  A change from roaring around the back woods with the Honda Tracker.

The scares news was Biden saying that Ukrannine could use long range missiles against Russia. Trump won the election and if he’s able to get in power he’d stop the war.  Better a divided Ukraine like Korea and Vietnam than nuclear holocaust. I think the west is winning,  Putin was an advance over the Communist before him and the fall of the USSR happened,  The Ayatollah is sick or dead in Iran.  Little Kim in North Korea isn’t any more powerful.  The threat is China but Taiwan is protected and India, Japan, Australia, Korea, and Taiwan are all together protecting against Xi Jinping.  Thankfully Trump will prevail and we will see exploration to mars rather than more stupidity like Trudeau’s lies and nonsense,  

I’m grateful for this day. I know what’s happening supposedly politically because I got my X working again along with Facebook and Apple News. I enjoyed watching Hostiles last night, an older western with great actors.  Really good movie. I’d watched a Daniel Boone movie the night before. Yellowstone is back and I watched that.  Wayne confirmed his father was military police .  I enjoyed remembering Dad at Remembrance Day.

Thank you Jesus for this day.  I was sorry to hear Alan Watts had a drinking problem. I appreciate that God acts through people but I really would like to be in the mystical with you God.  I want to feel more present and at peace. I am grateful for all the glimpses of joy you give me. Thank you for the blue sky today. Thank you for Madigan,  

Thank you Jesus 

St. Barnabus Anglican Church

So glad I made it to church. It’s always a pull.  Today the devil was saying , it’s going to rain, it will be too cold to take the Vespa, Madigan had a hair cut and it will be too cold to ride on the Vespa. It’s too late now to take the car. It’s going to rain. Why not lay on the couch and have a snooze or read a book.

The fact is I always feel better after going to church. It’s community. It’s spiritual. It’s inspiring. I love seeing Priest Emily. She’s such an amazing soul.  The piano was terrific too..  Traditional hymns and the wonderful old church. Such reassurance.  

I loved seeing Maureen.  I actually know people in the church and they are glad to see me too.  That’s comforting.

I felt badly because Madigan was a terror.  He had his hair cut under anesthetic with North Road Veterinarian a couple of days ago. .  Laura figures his  PTSD was triggered.  North Road Veterinarianns  are angels  Madigan had a terrible experience with a groomer.  Thankful Dr. Bienecki came to the rescue.  

He’s still all grumbly and snarly.  It  also probably doesn’t help that he is terribly spoiled his overly indulgent master.  It’s a bit of a  game now too.   He growls and snarls at me with his tail wagging and gets his way. .   He wanted my  attention in church during the sermon.  So he started growlling, like a hell hound, devil dog.  Very embarrassing I took him outside twice. He really is just anxious and dependent. He loves Priest Emily statesman schnauzer Fritz, 11 years old.  Madigan is only 4.  

So I didn’t hear the sermon. Nell Seedhouse gave it. He’s a fine fellow, one of the back bone of the church.   

I was glad for the eommunion.  It’s reassuring to participate in the supper reminded of the sacrifice and love of Jesus.  I liked reciting the creed together too, the affirmation of faith. It’s good to be among good like minded people.

After the services Priest Emily asked me to join them for coffee. Normally I rush away with Madigan yet stayed and was glad I did.  Emily’s grand daughter asked me a whole lot or questions about Madigan. I was glad to be able to answer her, She’s such a curious bright child.  The future is bright if there’s even a few more like her.  With others we  talked of sailing.  I shared a UBC studying encouraging limiting  limitting social media for mental health.  Jokingly I also suggested a class action suit by  ministers to go after the secular politicians like Trudeau who are are stealing the intellectual property of  the old fire a brimstone televangelists.   Now the fear mongering is things like if  use a plastic straw you’ll burn and you’ll destroy the whole world with you.  

I’m not sure anyone followed me. I’ve just been annoyed with all the fear mongering.  So glad to hear the message of hope and love that Priest Emily always gives. I like being reminded that I do have a friend in Jesus.  Every day I recite Julian of Norwich’s All shall be well. 

.  

I enjoyed coffee and fellowship. It was one of my favourite parts of church before Covid and Madigan. Now I’m glad I’ve taken the time sit and enjoy community.   Madigan had a wonderful time running around with Frtiz exploring the church hall.  I had a welcome moment from the busy schedule.  

Peace .

St. Barnabus certainly brings peace.

 The ride home on the Vespa was a delight.  All round I’m so grateful for St. Barnabus and so glad I didn’t listen to my devil couch

Apple Office Equipment Upgrades

My friend and I joke, Our fathers got a new car each year, now we get a new phone.’  That was the middle class dream then, Own a house, have a job, have a new car.  Now we rent and get a new smart phone.  The truth is the smart phone is revolutionary. It’s easy to underestimate how incredible it truly is.  I have a world of knowledge at my finger tips, A whole library, I have specific medical texts and charts and studies on my phone. I have lab norms and reference books. I have Pub Med Search engine. I have Safari browser which connects me to the clinics I work out of in persona and virtually. So I can have the patient information of all my patients readily at hand,  

I shop on Amazon. What’s amazing about that is not the fun shopping but the replacement bits and parts that have been discontinued by the manufacturer,  I have Kindle which allows me to download load and read books as well as the audio book function.   I love e books.  I love that if I have to wait anywhere I have a book In the past I’ve enjoyed the music.  I have a collection and do play these on walks or driving in the car.  Mostly I like podcasts of medical lectures relevant to my practice from various universities around the world along with talks.,  

The camera is something is truly love and enjoy upgrading the phone because the telephoto and wide angle and video improve each time I love bird photography and especially love a piocture of a blue kingfisher I captured last year,  I love taking pictures travelling and now depend almost solely on my iPhone. I used to carry several professional Nikons but now I only have one that I have as back up. The phone is sufficient for almost all my needs and desire.,

Yes I like social media and have it on my phone with the capacity to upload my latest picture of my dog

There’s the times in various parts of the world that are relevant to me, a weather app for the same and a calendar and daytimer with alerts.  I work as a virtual consultant and my phone allows me to work anywhere on the planet.  I also have the fitness and health data on the phone and have enjoyed the step counter which tells me I walk a lot but need to walk more,

The gps and map features are especially excellent including the I hunter gps and backwoods feature that now tells me which section I’m in accurately so I’m not at risk of shooting game in the wrong sector.  

Truly it’;s all unbelievable.  I am Dick Tracy The imagination of the science fiction writers of a 50 to 100 years ago are now with me everywhere I go,

I really like the iPhone 16.  One of the first features I appreciated was it’s quick transfer of data from my old phone to this one along with it’s ease of connectivity to other devises such as my smart phone Mack book pro and the Samsung TV.  It’s all faster and smoother and more intuitive with greater capacity and more advanced camera and health data.  I like that it alerts when I fall and so far I can tap “I’m okay”,  Maybe one day it will save my life,

I upgraded my MacBook Pro because it’s my main computer and the memory holds all my writing and photography and medical work.  The last one I’d upgraded a few years back was still just fine but this new MacBook Pro really is that much more.  Better visual, better functionality  and seemingly unlimited capacity for a computer.  I’m mostly using it for work and really do enjoy it,

This iPad Pro 12 is a dream, I always thought of the Macks as spots cars compared to the Microsoft trucks.  My iPad 11 with Magic Keyboard went everywhere with me in my Roots purse. It’s was the 11 inch one. This is the 13 inch one and it fits too,  I think of myself as a writer. That is my avocation and what I wanted to do but felt I needed to do service and learn before I really became a writer. Meanwhile I ve written a whole group of papers published, had columns in newspapers, had multiple awards for writing articles and had a couple of books of poetry and a work related book published and the sales paid for themselves.  I certainly could not afford this iBook pro on the earnings I’ve made from writing alone,  Which is why I really enjoy that I need these for work but can enjoy them for my own purposes as well. Like driving the company car on the weekend,  

I really am enjoying this now., I remember busking with my Marten Guitar with a friend for the experience and giving away the money we got to charity.  I confess I don’t mind anyone playing on the street but if they put up a sign saying it’s for food I don’t think they should be wearing a Rolex, designer shoes and have a stratovarious.  I’m blessed.  

I’m trying to grow spirituality and focus on prayers and meditation but the fact remains that the materialist in me is happy when I upgrade my iPhone,  I love this iPad Pro as much as I love my Ruger 30:06.  The Ruger 30:06 has served me decades shooting moose, elk, deer and bear but the fact is my Aopple iPads and keyboards though I upgrade them have served me writing as long, I’m loving my Harley too, There’s comfort in good and reliable tools,

Yet theoretically I can know God just as well poor and poor I prayed and meditated,  Before I had computers and Ipades I wrote in note books with fountains pens and pencils,.,  It’s a process.

I see these as the gifts of recovery and gifts from God.  I feel blessed and taken care of these days. I know Grace.  My life goes best with God.,  Thank you Jesus 

Dog Grooming

Madigan had his hair cut at the North Shore Vet Hospital. I don’t think he was easy bccuase the staff weren’t as friendly and enthusiastic as normally I gave me Trazadone 100 mg the night before and another in the morning along with 200 mg gabapentin. It was because last time he woke out of the anesthetic. Dr Biernecki is fine tuning the grooming process each time, 

He’s quite terrified of grooming since a bad experience with a groomer.  He’s even quite defensive, snarling and growling if I have to clean his bum hair when his poop gets stuck .  With medication I think he gets a bit psychotic a bit. He was really doped when I took him in.  He was all groomed and looking really  dapper when I picked him up. A Rodeo Drive outcome. 

 

He actually loves Dr. Biernecki and the girls at the North Road.  He bounces out of the car and rushes to the door like we’re going into Bosley’s whenever we visit, I told Sabrina that ‘not even my patients are as excited to visit.” 

He had several great grooming events then after one the groomer was angry and didn’t do half handing him back to me. I don’t know what her problem was but she really was a bitch to me and poor Madigan, After whatever happened he’s been terrified of the groomers. I am so thankful that Dr. Biernecki came to the rescue. The fact is, he’s the most amazing vet, and I can ask him everything. He’s taken care of my dogs and cats for years.  His advice has been incredible too. So I really was  thankful when I told him the problem and he said they could sedate him  and have him groomed there,  This is the third or fourth time. It’s so fantastic.  I really don’t know what we’d do, 

 

He grows such a great coat and it’s okay for part of the year but  in  summer here it’s just a nuisance.  I go south to Yuma Arizona in wintrr and his long hair he collects burrs and won’t even tolerate having those taken out,  With his hair short I have a spiffy  coats and fashionable sweaters if it’s to cool . He has a blue Canucks Hockey Team sweater that gets lots of praise,  I like his Cowichan native sweater too.   This routine of a couple of visits  to Dr. Biernecki each year has worked so well.

He’s a dapper handsome fellow today all happy relaxed and back to normal.  I’m frankly a bit of a mess.  I call the little guy  a nutbar. He’s really my alarm dog, therapy dog, emotional companion, physiotherapist walking me each day in fall hunting season he even fetch’s the partridge I shoot.  He even at times gives me purpose. I figure if I’m not here others will manage but he needs me.

With a dog I never have to eat alone. He’s always up for a ride in car, truck or on my Harley or Vespa.   He  loves my friend Laura too, She treats him like a baby and he doesn’t mind at all.  He loves my sister in law and nephews and their two cocapoos.   His loves his friends here too,  Dave,  Peter’s,  Mack  Nicoleta. He loves coming to work with me and meeting patients and seeing his best friends,  Karen and Belinda. Mary Lou  and he anre friends too.   He  even has his doggie friends, Peter’s,  Bella and Luka and Fritz, Priest Emily’s dog. He connects me to the community.  I’d wanted kids younger but now I’m thankful for the pets.  Today I’m especially thankful for Madigan.  

They really are angels.  Thank you God. Thank you Jesus for Madigan.  

St. Barnabus Anglican Church 25th Sunday after Pentecost

I am so thankful I chose to go to church this morning .It was a hard start and late wakening.  But I soldiered on, making coffee, I’d roasted Ethiopian green beans yesterday.,getting dressed and getting Madigan dressed for the Vespa ride there. Rain was forecast but the skies didn’t open.  The ride was chilly pleasant. We actually made it on tine,

Patty who often leads the music was in fine form. Her guitar playing was Bruce Cockburn with a touch of Ry Cooder. She taught the congregation a marvellous old hymn. 

It all took me back to my teen years in coffeehouses when Jim Donahue sang the celtic round  “may the long time sun, shine upon you, all love surround you. May all love surround you and  the pure light within you guide your way home,”. Back then Pete Seegers had  written Turn, Turn, Turn, taking the words from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8. I’d spend a wondrous afternoon with just him and Arlo Guthrie and a few others sitting on  the grass in  Stanley Park. The Beatles sang Let it Be, George Harrison, My Sweet Lord.  Eventually Leonard Cohen would sing Hallelujah,  I loved the Third Day concert in Langley.  I love God inspired music so much more than booze and drug songs or another guy did me wrong music.  

I just love spiritual uplifting music. Patti, who has a marvellous singing voice, really brings alive Christian music.  Today it was this old hymn. Other times it’s been African and South American spiritual songs. Thanks mostly to her we’ve had some swaying and dancing in the aisles.  It’s a diverse congregation, young and old, here and there. 

Madigan was delighted to see his friend, Rev. Emily’s Schanuser Fritz.  I was especially thankful that he was quiet during Emily’s sermon on love and giving.  She shared some of her experience in Quatemala when she’d been there as a young missionary.  

I was happy and at peace , glad to participate in communion. There’s such comfort and depth in shared ritual. I say the Lord’s Prayer myself all the time but love when we say this together. 

I was truly touched too when Rev. Emily said we’d sing the Irish “Be Thou My Vision”  .   Be Thou My Vision is one of my all time traditional favourite hymns.  Right up there with Amazing Grace, How Great Thou Art, Blessed Assurance,, Holy Holy Holy.  I personally felt this as a gift of God, a moment of synchronicity to underscore the value of making the effort to join in spiritual community.   It was so good to go to  St. Barnabus today.   

What a wonderful experience.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you St. Barnabus. 

Trump Wins USA Election 2024

I stayed up watching the election results. I was anxious.  I’d watched the Democrats pull every dirty trick, the false insurrection claims and all the legal attacks, all in an attempt to override the democratic election process.  That’s been so much about what this is about, the SWAMP,  The non elected inner circle of people making all the decisions. Like CBC’s skewed propaganda network, 80 % of employees liberal and Trudeau buying this rag.  Our political organizations are not supposed to be so partisan,  The FBI back the Hillary lie of the false Russian dossier and covered up the Biden Crime Family links in Ukraine and the Hunter lap top.  Yet there was Trump constantly under scrutiny and attack.  Finally the assasination attempts.

I like that he’s sober

I like that he has been backed by some of the most incredible and powerful women like Sarah Saunders and Kayleigh McEnany.  By contrast Trudeau fired the best women in his cabinet.  Corinne Biden’s presss secretary never seemed to do her homework and was always unprepared so yes I liked Trump.  I know businessmen talk but what they sign in the bottom line.  He’s always been a salesman.  By contrast the suits like Obama and Bush sound like lawyers, platitudes and niceties but in the end gobble gook.  I love the reality rather than the plasticity. The raw.  Xi Jinping is always orchestrated. Hitler made nice speeches.  The middle class has been destroyed by these globalist totalitarianism. I am a libertarian and like freedom.  I like free speech and Biden, Kamala and Harris don’t. I loved that Elon Musk who loves free speech joined Trump. I loved that Kennedy joined  Trump.  I loved that KellyAnne Conway. Of course I love Melania and Ivanka.  I didn’t like all the democratic lies, pointing fingers while five pointed back. I didn’t like that Obama spied on all his allies and all Americans,  

I lost faith in the UN and WHO during covid and watched Fauci and Xi Jinping do awful things.  There was so much chicanery and pseudo science. All the lies from the Climate Change Cult are terribly concerned .I liked that the economy was improving. It had been great under Harper and now with Trudeau and Biden were destroying it and the war with Russia was so corrupt.  So much criminal money and money laundering.  All the while I was having higher food prices nand everyone I knew was struggling. The mass illegal migration was offensive since Trudeau is supposed to protect the country and there was he and Biden and Kamala encouraging terrorists and criminals into the country

The media, the fluffy issues like pronouns, the attack on saniety all was like the Borg and I felt like Picard was facing the Borg.  

So yes I was glad when Trump won.  But I most enjoyed a fellow I know posting on social media fearing gong to sleep because last election he’d done that and woken up to find Trump had lost the election after truck loads of votes had appeared.  

I knew Xi Jinping was at fault because he invaded Hong Kong and refused to allow the Wuhan Lab Leak to be investigated.  Similarly I knew the voting was corrupt because the Democrats fought voter ID.  I don’t believe Trudeau won the last election either because he wouldn’t investigate the electrion tampering and corruption especially by the Communist Chinese.  I don’t trust the voter machines much either because the hackers have broken every code and no one has shown how these voting machines are better than cray computers.

Tired I fell asleep hopeful at midnight and woke at 3 am to see that Fox News had declared Trump a winner, I stayed up for a couple of hours watching news and then went back to bed feeling evid was vanquished. Anyone who promotes third stage abortion and the death of children or even isn’t right. I’m pro life but I want women to have the right to abortion heist term but when a baby is a viable life 3 to 6 months let the baby live,  I don’t like Trudeau’s euthanasia and maid for the Menatlly ill. The left has been promoting all these Nazi and Communist totalitarian ideas. Also a hundred Christians churches burnt to the ground in Canada in the last months but everyone on CBC and NBC and CNN going on about Islamophobia while these radical attack Jews and block traffic.  I liked the Jews and Israel and don’t like the Palestinian Hammas or the Maxist Leninist Antifid and Black Lives Matter get a free pass, I do’t like what the cities are doing to the rural people, I identify with the underdog.  I support the gay community but not the weird increasingly  privileged demands and all the pronouns shit,  Stop it.  

I smiled when I saw Trump win.  I felt hope, I might have shed a tear of joy. I felt finally there was hope that Trudeau would be removed and Canada would not be taken over by Sharia Communism.  I an so tired of being bullied by aetheists and Islamic terrorists.  Trudeau paid an Islamic terrorist , the son of a bomb making fanily , killer of an American medic 10 million dollars.  Seeing Trump and Vance win I had hope that Pierre Poillevre would sooner be Prime Ministr of Canada,  There was light at the end of the tunnel,  Soros was exposed.  All the undermining of freedom and totalitarianism of Democrats and Liberals was challenged.  I had hope.  When I woke I felt there was possibility. I felt truth and freedom was possible I felt safer.  I am thankful.  I fear beauroccrat reign and the Borg.  I hate the lies and arrogance of ‘do gooders’ and the unscientific claims of the Climate Change Cult There are more polar bears and Carbon dioxide iss’t demonic.  Everything isbn’t racist or political The arctic is still there so is the Antarctic.  

God is good.  Thank you Jesus,  

New Day, Monday

It’s a new day.  Monday.  The clocks went back and we have light an hour early.  Yesterday we had our first early darkness in the afternoon,

I’m just happy to have another day after an enjoyable weekend.  I received my IPhone 16 S after a week of UPS losing it. I confess I was irritated and let that show. I wasn’t mindful at 4 am when I got the text saying it would be another day delayed. I remembered though that expectations are preformed resentments.I whined but didn’t lash out.  I stayed in my lane and showed more patience that I would have years ago.  

When it finally arrived so did Laura. She’d driven over in her Smart Car and we had delightful weekend together. The Vancouver Opera at Queen Elizabeth’e, Strauss’s Die Fleidermause was superbly performed and very funny.  

Laura on wakening took Madigan for a morning walk He loves Laura. I had the makings for chilli but we had sandwiches because we didn’t have time for preparation.  

I enjoyed getting the return for my iPhone and ordering the new equipment. Because it’s all for my work I’m able to have them as business expense.

Driving to the Opera Laura and I reflected that we were modestly stable for a rare time.  We’d both begun working at 12 and never stopped. I ‘d given blood to pay for books and stethoscope taking out loans and working 7 days a week. I seemed to always be working to pay for accommodation. I didn’t feel poor. It was normal when I bought my first house but was so disappointing when my ex wanted a bigger house and all that had happened was family and friends had bought bigger homes, I loved that home.  But then I’d bought another house with another wife and she’d sabotaged that. I tend to improve anything I have so new roofs, new septic systems, veranda’s and repairs. I put in three new hardwood floors in houses I lost in divorces. Laura worked 5 jobs to pay and wore the same blouse to work washing it each night when she had her young babies.  We lamented the struggles.  I’d had my ex take out a loan for our work but she’d just done it to give herself $50,000 along with racking up the credit cards. Laura’s ex was abusive too so there we were reminiscing about our days of struggle living week to week and fear of eviction and experiencing lies and abuse and betrayal all as we concluded that again we were okay.

Laura had gone through some health concerns this last month. I’ve got chronic pain and increasing disability but we both feel right with God. It was a trial for her to see her younger and much loved brother in law have a near death experience and heart failure.  Life is tenuous.  We can approach our struggles as adventure or punishment and persecution.

I’ve been paying thousands of dollars for the camper because of damage I did on a hunting trip. I found that sailing stopped giving me greater joy than the pain of repairs.  I’d had a house that required so much work that I gave up and went to renting. I realize I’d not have been able to travel and had the adventures I had if I hadn’t worked 12 hour days sevens days a week.  I look back on all the ‘service’ I did and the choice to work with poor and needy for free or little reward when I could have taken the high paid jobs for the rich.  I don’t know about these decisions.  Certainly raised Christian it has always been rewarded to be generous caring and kind.  I’ve done that in my work. I’ve known such rewards delivering babies helping return sanity and ending nightmares and helping brains to heal.  I have always studied and was in the top echelon of classes but now i still study.  Religion degrees and science, I read a dozen books this last summer in neurology, anthrolopology, genetics.  I feel up to date and continue to learn,

Laura’s children are grown and she’s a grandmother.  We enjoyed the opera together We’d been to the symphony the week before. I’m enjoying this having bought the tickets last spring. Planning and organizing and building.  I’m not doing all the physical labour I did to maintain my off shore ship. Every year a day bottom cleaning and bottom painting, bright work, diesel engine maintenance.  I’m a ships captain.  I’ve certification in dance, drama, writing, general medicine, public health, psychiatry, addiction, ships captain, navigation, religious studies.  I’m a trauma specialist among other things and now i just do diagnosis and psychopharmacology and walk the dog The hunting season is offer and I shot a dozen grouse and rode my ATV too much when as a more committed hunter or earlier days I’d be stalking and sitting in ambush,  Last year I could hardly walk with sciatica and back pain but this year I was more mobile , I really enjoyed our time at Beaverdam but overall I’m more looking forward to visiting art galleries.

I enjoy photography.  I enjoy blogging. I enjoyed discussions and Laura and I enjoy watching tv together,  I sometimes have to admit I’m growing old but I’m thankful that I’m grateful and not bitter. I’ve been sober along time and associate with sober spiritual people so am blessed to be among my own tribe of optimists.  

Thank you Jesus.  I’m looking forward to the election tomorrow,  The future could be bright or dim in my opinion,  I long for the days when Trudeau is gone and I’m sorry I’ve been the victim of communism and mediocrity most of my life when meritocracy was once rewarded and I excelled. Now Laura and I look back on our sacrifices and labour and see that scoundrels are being rewarded for corruption and deceit.  It’s hard to focus on God in the cacophony of aetheist selfishness,  Narcisssim and antisocial behaviour abound but then I realize that the media distorts. IF it bleeds it leads .  So many like Laura and I are thriving more than surviving.  The housing crisis and cost of living created mainly here by Trudeau with this pseudoscience is difficulty But life is good.,  I’m really blessed,  An attitude of Gratutide is the way to go. Thank you Jesus. I must resist self pity and catastrophising. I’m hopeful.  

I like Elon Musk and imagine that he will guide Trump in the further and we will see Mars travel and the ‘radical abundance’ promised by science and nanotechnology will continue.  Trump didn’t start any wars in his time in office and continues to promise no more profit driven wars like Ukraine.  Zelensky said less that 30% of a if given is not reaching Ukraine.  Tradeaus , the coward is say wee should bomb Russia. Meanwhile China is the major thr3at.  But it’s all out there and here it’s okay. I’m blessed and thankful and old.  It’s been a good life,  

Laura and I have surmounted set backs and terrible times and I must continue to forgive and work to forgive those who were the abusers andd the terrorists.   I’m doing my best and am a better man than I was yesterday, I’ve had the pleasure of knowing the greats, my parents, family , friends nd mentors .  Thank you Jesus.