I just wanted to care for my dog and needed somewhere to sleep and I couldn’t sleep with a cocaine addicted wife who didn’t go to work but stayed up all night ‘partying’ while I tried to carry on. I’d left and stayed in hotels to get sleep but facing waiting rooms to say again she wasn’t coming in. I just couldn’t take it. I didn’t know how to carry on.
I’ll never forget all the lying and the coast guard ship coming out of the sunrise right at us and me screaming, “You’d better not have brought any drugs with you because we’re about to be boarded and searched.” I was screaming. She brought out the drugs and I put them in the head.
I drank and I smoked some dope but I didn’t do cocaine and saw too many people hurt by that.
“Didn’t you know she was called Hoover” her friend asked me.
“You’ve got to get her out of town. The dealers target rich women.’ My doctor said. She refused to see doctors and refused psychiatrists and therapists.
She did’t go to the treatment centre but lied and lied and lied and I left.
Sexual role plays and all the dancing and the skiing and sailing had been fun till the refusal to get help and the failures and the others. Fun, fun and trouble, then trouble. The last couple of years whereas the early years were idyllic. The beginning was great despite meeting drink and stoned. There were so amany good times and she was amazing, accomplished fun early.
It was a nightmare. I was seeing a psychiatrist. He was advising me and told me drinking some wine and smoking some dope wasn’t a problem. He was concerned about my wife and her cocaine. He told me to send her out of town for treatment. She wasn’t able to function, absent, disoriented, erratic, drunk and stoned , dysfunctional, angry at home all the time, not sleeping, plotting revenge against other women, perceived slights. Drugs and alcohol were a problem but the cocaine was apthe problem. I confess I was lucky not to like it.
I was overwhelmed with the insaniety. Iwas No RD Laing. I had lawyers lying to me and thieves stealing money and I’d escaped several attempts at death like when drunk she drove the car at high speed into the wall or when she altered the radar so we were lifted off the bow beam of the tanker in the fog.
The lies were constant. The lies and more lies and I just gave up. I went to stay with the old hippy friends who ‘d had a grow op and we drank wine and made music but while we were away they’d got into cocaine too. Thieiving psychopaths. I worked on engines and enjoyed my days smoking more and staying at a distance , letting it all go, work and home and enjoying sleeping,
She’d party all night and I’d go to work and it was awful. I was Just awful. I said ‘I can help a hundred people or you. I can’t do both’ she just lied compulsively. Her drinking lawyer friend epitomized the old adage, lie,lie,lie, deny,deny,deny.
I really thought I could manage and that one day I decided okay I’ll stop drugs and alcohol completely. I’d been smoking two packs a day in that last month and trying to exchange marijuana shake for tobacco but was rolling drum and bud instead we drank beer and wine.
Today looking back on that last year is just insane. She’s doin all these drugs and I’m seeking help and she’s refusing and lying. The greatest irony not lost to the sober was they thought she was fine. Fucked inside Nice Exterior. My long term friends said I was lucky to be alive. So I h betray lies an.
A fellow Christian phoned and offered to help. I told him I wanted to leave and go back to church. He picked me up and I stayed with him and returned to church and saw the Christian psychiatrist and the ‘reboot’ began. I hiked with my dog and I didn’t drink and didn’t smoke and I bicycled and that first month went by and I talked to Christian’s, the minister, Father John, and I cried in church. I cried whenever I was in church remembering my mother and my father and our home and the safety , the pews, and the children.
Graham introduced me to Bernie and Bernie introduced me to AA. I want to my first meeting. Bernie had a new truck. She’d blown the head gasket on my truck and I’d been reduced to a bicycle. I remember thinking maybe if I listen to this guy I’ll get a truck. That’s where my head was at. The guys I’d stayed with had taken the $30,000 I’d had in RRSP’s which had been taxed at 50% though I’d had no income and wouldn’t have for a year. Her lawyer , the white collar sociopaths who made the blue collar sociopaths look good, took the $50,000 lying when she had me sign promising and promising and making meaning of the empty promises.
But I didn’t know then that I would set up scenarios so I would be the ‘victim’ and ‘poor me’ would be the modus opera di. I didn’t know about the reincarnation in Christianity before Nicaea or the reincarnation in jusagism and the Tibetan book of the dead and the players acting out the different roles of the theatre of life till we knew all sides, IF the reds slayer thinks he slays and the slain thinks he’s slain they know not well the ways I keep and turn and toss again. We are all one. Jesus taught do not be afraid. Love God and Love your neighbour as yourself.
The famous psychiatrist asked what I wanted. I said, “I want her to stop doing drugs and alcohol and to go to AA.” He said, “Women don’t go to AA’.”
I was demonized and slogged along witnessing miracles as I prayed and meditated and didn’t drink or do drugs trusting that they wouldn’t help. The world was an acid trip and the game was fixed and the players in the courts and government were just as insane as those in the asylums. It all seemed relevant,
It was all insane. I just did the next right thing and saw that they couldn’t help us. The promise of children and marriage was dead and I had to accept that drugs and alcohol had killed that and looking back I’d seen the black sliver growing in those last years. She wasn’t the problem . I liked her because I first met her smoking dope and drinking. She’d not changed. She liked to party. I was the one who felt further and further from God and no longer could make sense of what I was doing.
I loved Amazing Grace. I felt so bad that I wasn’t a good example. We might have made the marriages last but the genetics of alcoholism in their families was too great and I was just too traumatized by plane crashes, being taken hostages, betrayals , death threats and near death and they had their share of these too. We we’re all wounded and sick and I was judging and afraid. So was she but I couldn’t help them. I had to help myself . Number 1 life saving. They didn’t want to get clean and sober. They wanted to drink and drug and they did but I stopped. Pride. I thought i was superior. An ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
It was fun then fun and trouble and trouble. It got really bad when I defended the indigenous people. It got really bad when the betrayals began. It got really bad when I trust drunks who were using me and using us. It got really bad when I didn’t think of her and we were so selfish and self centered together. It got really bad .
Sometime in June of 1997 , in the weeks before June 25 I stopped smoking and drinking and turned my life over to god as I understood him..
I never knew her. I wish I’d known her off drugs and alcohol. She was a really great person and has so much . We had so much fun for years and shared so much love but she and her mother refused to see psychiatrists and I was lied to an abused by the pscyhiatrists I saw till I turned to only psychihatrists who believed in God and law. I don’t trust people who don’t believe in truth believe everything is of their own making,
I remember when I lost peace of mind and when I regained it.
I wish I’d been kinder to her. She could have killed me and nearly did so many times and was so destructive of life and crazy on drugs but she didn’t kill me.
I made amends. I have carried on. I’ve served and learned and been blessed beyond my wildest dreams . I hope and pray that she found what she was searching and got help. I did my time.
My colleague said, “If you’re not willing to do the time, don’t do the crime’. It was illegal to smoke marijuana then. I broke the law. He was head of psychiatry and he’d drunk and worked. I really admired him and thanked him for his pragmatism. Dr. Bob had said ‘keep it simple’. We don’t want to wreck this thing. That was yesterday and I have a psychotic representation of the past that tries to make me right and them wrong. It’s alcoholism. If I’d not been with drunks and addicts the shit wouldn’t have happened If I’d not continue to drink past closing time those last couple of years might never have gone awry. There were good times and the trick was to quit while a head. The house always wins. It’s demon drink. I was lucky I escaped thanks to God, Jesus, AA, family, psychiatrists, doctors and good friends. I have been blessed beyond. This anniversary of the crash of a life is hard,
In the following years I continue to work as a physician and psychiatrist for decades. I did subspecialization exams in Canada , the US and internationally in Addiction Medicine. I studied theology and obtained divinity training and a master in religious studies. I worked and served with amazing godly sober people. I sailed solo to Hawai through hurricane. I became an accomplished rescue scuba diver. I’ve travelled to Israel, Ireland, Scotland, Italy, Azerbaijan, Ethiopia, attended countless medical and psychiatric conferences and been the speaker and the participant. I done my bit, serving as my teachers taught me. I maintained decades of a love affair, shot many moose as a big game hunter and became an accomplished motorcyclist riding 5000 km over a couple of weeks tenting on the way and attending Sturges. I had amazing friends. I was sober and there for the deaths of my parents and my brothers and the closest friends. I ‘ve been sober for the deaths of two dogs and have a third as amazing companions. I have been truly blessed. I”m forever grateful.
Thank you God. Thank you Jesus.
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