Over the years the falls from Grace for me have been not following my father’s commands, being unkind to my mother and not loving her as she loved me. I turned my back on my parents and their wisdom and love and later felt less whole as I realized my adolescent failings. I betrayed the trust of a girl. I had sex before marriage. Indeed I married because I wanted to undo the wrongness of sex before marriage, Often I would hold myself personally accountable for the false teaching of my tribe and society. I most rejected myself when I betrayed a friend saying he was with me when I was doing something for which I was facing negative consequences. I was self centred and shared his name because I was asked by a punitive authority figure. There was no negative consequence to him but when I shared my weakness and told him I’d said his name he lost trust in me. “Who did you smoke dope with,” I told this colleague. Yet when I was younger and the police asked me who I drank with I’d not shared the names of my friends, I’d become a friend and didn’t know what was better. I reported the doctor whose negligence caused the patient to die but did not report my wife’s negligence or drug addiction, I so often covered for women, somehow agreeing they were never to blame and not accountable even as they pushed and turned the knife. I held myself to a higher standard except rarely and never forgave myself those lapses.
I was weak. I once missed a ball in a game and feigned I’d tripped when indeed I’d just been less good than my opponent. I was benched for a bit but I always believed the coach never accepted my explanation. I felt shame and guilt and failure when I was sodomized. I also felt shame and guilt and failure when I let the woman ‘deep throat me’ when my own female partner had insisted ‘no woman likes to give oral sex’ while she demanded and revelled in endless cunnilingus. But I felt myself a failure for not confronting her ‘we do not agree’ argument and leaving her rather than falling drunk in a hot tub to the advances of an ever to be remembered love.
I felt less than because I didn’t play football but chose instead to excel in gymnastics, volleyball and dance. I was called a faggot when I wasn’t but suffered constant abuse as a dancer and working as a typist and protocomputer data inputter rather than taking the lesser paid but more manly and dangerous job of working on the oil rigs. I felt less when she left me and my bicycle for the man with a car.
I felt less than when she belittled our house because her sister had a bigger house. I felt always faced with constant demands and overt and covert criticism from the women who claimed to love me but left me feeling inadequate and ashamed. I never saw it as a competition but was forever being attacked by women who competed and failed to ‘win’. I can never forget the woman screaming at me when I got the A plus in science and she only got A somehow seeing this as ‘my fault’. I was forever being attacked and taking these attacks mostly by women to heart.
I succeeded in martial arts and when men attacked me I kicked them in the head on the street or pulled a knife when they pulled a knife or reached for a gun when they reached for theirs in remotes northern roads of lawlessness. I survived running from a couple of gangs. Feeling fear and humiliation but alive and feeling it was a ‘draw’.
The women I knew never had the experience of teams and sports and never had learned to play well with others but concealed their anger and insecurity. I was afraid a lot and increasingly let women win or have their way as I let others simply because I didn’t like watching my back. So many others could lie to the authorities and bring massive resources, ‘racial tribal assocations’, ‘corrupt legal services’, ‘corrupt government services’ ‘family resources’ ‘mony’ to back their evil. I began to spend more and more time alone in the woods and at sea, Women seemed to ‘fuck you’ and when they ccouldn’t fuck you ‘they ‘fucked you over’. They also fucked the bad men the drunks and addict and politicians and pimps and good guys like me got the hook then the fuck then the crumbs and the fucking stopped alll the while the mean ones, fucked and fucked and fucked, I tired of rejection. I was never enough. I faced more negative consequences from women for my saying ‘no’ , no to the department head, ‘no’ to the friends’ wife’ , no to staff. Women would be naked in my call rooms and I’d asked them to leave and they’d blame me for ‘leading them on’. I never lead any woman on I was mostly tired and I felt I failed in not being able like movie Starr actors to navigate the complex social mine fields. Increasingly I felt I failed and lived alone with my dog and felt I was safe. Men who fucked me just did. Now i say i want to fuck, or do you want to fuck and they laugh and the constant passive aggression persists.
I was used and there wasn’t criticism or expectation or constant demands. I was happy in passing and I never was close enough to be a failure. The one night stand with a woman was always tainted with her expectation and resentment, The man just passed in the night. I spent years unforgiven. God doesn’t care. The rainbow said that to me. You and all of earth are forgiven, The Torah and now I’ve sent you my perfect son. They crucified him, the government and church. The authorities. Your identification with the aggressors or your imitation, sincerest form of flattery is not like them. You don’t ‘use’ people. You are generous to a fault and kind and sacrifice your self. Now you hide and wait to die, so tired of the ‘my way or the high way’. When you were younger you believed them when they promised to ‘pay you later’. “I’ll take my share now but you get yours later”. It’s long past later and they giggle now and gloat at their duping. Me tax theives. Quebec and Ottawa and Brussels and Beijing. Washington and Paris. Los Angeles. Let’s play pigs and I’ll be Picton.
More and more i turned to prayer, I had no children, Women had aborted my child, I was a biological dead end. I felt that my dog ‘needed’ me and that I should live to ensure his safety. I’d always physically fought fights to protect underdog boys and girls and men and women, I’ d risked my life a series of confrontations to protect others. Then it was a life of helping the injured and defeated and literally fighting the courts and government and other ‘authorities’ for the sake of some ‘samaritan’. I never knew if they were good and when they were on their feet as often as not they too joined the side of the bullies. Self seeking. I was a consummate Celtic scrapper jumping into a street or Beurocratic fight when I saw a gang up, taking the side of the one being bullied, knowing gangs are cowards, Armies never fight fair unless they’re on the defence. Bullies, bullies everywhere. Government backed Nuremberg retools on steroids, I always felt a failure now if I couldn’t avoid them or couldn’t resist the temptation to question their lies and ignorance bringing the light down on me.
I was trying to hide, be low key, slither away to die. Waiting for death as the great escape,.
Every day I fight the bleak ennui of negativity with gratitude and prayer and positive thoughts. I try to remember all the good people and the good days and the good times, I blame myself for my inability to maintain my joy as everyday in work people try to convince me that they are right, life sucks and suicide or drugs are better. I’m beaten with their words blamed for their addiction and my inability to stop them eating, drinking, fucking, drugging, lying. I was shouted at this week. I’m been shot at, knifed, held hostage, threatened countless times and today I just cry at home at night. . I do want to go gentle into that still night.
I’m getting by, With constant attention and presence I’m keeping the theives away. Each day has little trials and great rewards. I know joy and I know love and I know wonder. I succeed in walking in the light and getting by, It’s my own mind I’m at war with. The positive and negative. It’s the devil and God within me that fight.
I loved the rainbow. I was hit by a momentary wave of ecstatic joy. We as a species would survive. With the constant litany of evil and fear of government voices, and corporate machinations, I saw the Rainbow as God saying ‘fuck Trudeau, fuck, Fuck Xi Jinping, Fuck the lie of ‘the skies falling give me money ‘climate change’ and the ‘Covid’ everyone is going to die, buy a vaccine and everyone’s going to fie. Suckerberg’s depth of evil with his lying biased fact checkers the death of truth and the celebration of Goebels and all the unscientific lies of the last two years……
I saw the Rainbow as God saying ‘its’ going to be okay, Don’t believe the politicians and their paid judges and their paid CBC and CNN and all the globalists communist totalitarian elite, I’m not going to kill you. There is no ‘flood’! The IPCC is Communist Strong 5th pillar war and it is a lie. Gore lied and did’t go to prison, Hanoi Jane. Mogadishu Hillary. Unethical disgusting creepy Trudeau. The world didn’t flood. God’s rainbow is a promise! So the idea that everyone is going to die from another Flood is a lie, The idea that everyone is going to die of a virus is a lie too. That doesn’t mean I ignore science and follow the ‘business’ of deceit but I see the Rainbow as hope. Do the next right thing, Moderation. Follow the money. Beware of the false gods of death and destruction. God is good all of the time. Two rainbows. Three rainbows. The trinity. Celts and Christians and Triangles. The family. Life’s building blocks.
“It’s going to be okay’. You will be forgiven for loving women and men. You will be forgiven for wearing women’s clothes, You will be forgiven for sleeping in .You will be forgiven for being late, You will be forgiven for saying ‘fuck’. You will be forgiven for correcting the stupid bully. You will be forgiven for disagreeing with her You will be forgiven for avoiding and being afraid and wanting to hide. You will be forgiven for having hope. You will be forgiven for crying when the authorities beat you and threatened you,. You will be forgiven. The message of Jesus, I died for your sins, do not be afraid is that the evidence of the death of God . Jesus was called the criminal and worst of the worst, hated by aetheists, condemned by reduced and condemned by Muslims, and other religious. He was ,condemned by the authorities of church and state,. Jesus Christ , a pure and holy man and son of god as we are children of god was crucified and rose from the grave on the third day. We forget all the names of the rulers of Rome but his name, ‘god within ‘ and ‘god will come again’ we remember. Bonhoeffer will be remembered long after the pope and German ministers of the day are forgotten. Strong and his evil IPCC will be forgotten long before Martin Luther King, The holy men of Tibet, the Dalai Lama, will long be remembered long after Xi Jinping is rotting in prison, long after we all know who was on the list of Epstein murdered in jail. 9 11. The killing of Kennedy. The UFO’s . WMD. Sandinistas. Bush and Clinton. So many stories within stories and the names change like the tribal gods. Mammon.
It will then one day be forgotten. We will come and go. I will be in heaven with my family and friends and we will all be like players after the show gathering in the Green Room and laughing at our performances,
God gave us a rainbow today to remind us. All shall be well. All Shall be Well All manner of things shall be well. This too shall pass and the doomsayers must live in their creepy sullied intoxicated brains. IF all you have is money you are very poor in deed, Pray for these sick souls. The new barbarians.
The rainbow is God’s promise , there will not be a flood as the IPCC and it’s evil elite hoard says . There will not be a mass death by virus or nuclear holovaut, Even the
Armenian Christians survived the Holocaust of the genocidal Turkish Muslims. Even the Jews survived the holocaust of the Neo Pagan Germans Soon Tibet , those Buddhists beloved of the Dalai Lama will break free of Colonial Communist China’s reign of terror surviving the new running dog barbarians.,
The Meek shall inherit the earth. God is love. It’s going to be okay, The rainbow said that,
That’s what I heard but I’m going deaf with old age so maybe it was my glasses or hearing aids, I may be wrong, I hope not. I hope that the Rainbow was a slap in the face of this whoring doomsaying Climate fest drunken drugging elite celebrity orgy with it’s false facade of legitimacy, A bully bash. I don’t want to be at a party with Stalin or the Ayatollay or Trudeaus with their silly socks and vacuous grins. I’m tired of the ‘useful idiots’.
Meanwhile here , all over , we saw God’s rainbow and promise. It’s okay. Celebrate Celebrate Dance to the music, Hallelujah,!
Christ has died, Christ has risen , The Christ will come again, Hallelujah!!!! Love and life prevail. Thank you Mr. Horgan, Mr. Dix and Dr. Bonny Henry.
Gandalf and the Hobbit dance. Snoopy flies. The Rainbow says the Lion King has come. Hallelujah,
Maybe now Trudeau will go and we can have comedy and free speech again in Canada, Wouldn’t it be nice if CBC could once again be CBC and not Corporate or Communist Broadcast Communism. Where are you gone Barbara Fromm. Sharia Communism and all the other fanatic Luddite trolls of Ottawa will move California or Florida with their Quebec smog birds. Victoria and Montreal will finally admit their shit smells and stop polluting the waters. We will live and love together. Let the dance begin. Live and let live, Civilization for all. Libertarianism, Ecumenicalism, truth, respect. Rock and roll!. God bless.
I really liked the Rainbow. Did I saw that? It was a sign so hard to miss. Like the miracle of Bob Dylan winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Like the miracle of William Shatner actually being Captain Kirk in space . Thank you Jeff Bezo and Blue Origin!!!!
Thank you NASA. Thank you Musk. Thank you Mars Rover. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The sun has come out after a heavy rain, Time to make today a full new day of adventure!!! ODAAT. Carpe Diem.
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