Thursday Morning - thankful

It’s a plain fall day. No jewels. No boas. No make up.  Plain. Natural. Lovely in it’s own way. A gossamer veil of white cloud softening the sun.

I’m here.  Madigan is here.

I’m blessed. God is good all of the time. I pray to appreciate grace more and to develop a deeper attitude of gratitude.

I’m here. Madigan is here.

I pray Holy Spirit Come. Use me. Fill me with Joy. Show me the Way. Thy will be done not my will.

Thank you for this day. Thank you for family and friends. Thank you senses and the world.  Celebrate!

I’m working hard. Long hours. Much pressure. So many demands. My mind is flitting here and there hoping I don’t miss something. I’ve so many little things to do.

My filing system has been faulty for so long but I can’t rename the boxes on the computer so when emails come in I file them in close proximity to what they should be . If I needed to find them I could but it’s just one of those ‘alright’, ‘jury rig’ office matters because I have no time to call Apple and learn again how to reorganize my computer file email system.

I m aware of the mess. Everything below the knee is Madigan. I clean frequent picking up pieces of things he’s destroyed. I vacuum frequently but it’s a bit of a mess. Dog toys bones and balls everywhere.Right now he’s on his back rolling back and forth biting a squeaky toy. It’s so cute.  What can I say?

I have ordered batteries for the camper and will remember the charger but I’m wanting solar panel battery charger now and trying to have that ready before I go to the nephews wedding. 

I have to get a present yet. 

I must find out why the computer is not opening the Oscar file when I’m not at my desk. It’s like Oscar has locked out Apple. 

I’ve not found the time to reconfigure the camera blue tooth with the computer. I get these programs set up and then months later with a virus patch or new upgrade of software the interfaces don’t work again. It’s all timely and I don’t like to sit to these tasks because in the past they’ve been rabbit holes with long delays waiting for techs and one glych needing fix only leading to another glych and another fix.

I feel always pressured for time.  I’m on the clock. I’ve a factory Shute of patients each day and a long list of phone calls and emails and no time for the multitude of tasks. I actually got a little caught up yesterday but missed my meeting. I wasn’t finished work till the meeting time anyway and was exhausted.

I’ve not ridden my Harley much at all. I put it away in October.

I wanted to sell my boat but the only thing that limits it’s sale is the rusted out stanchion base. I have to fix that before I can put it up for sale. I want to do that when I’m in the east.  

I haven’t the license to pull this trailer and while I like it as a home I don’t know about pulling it about.  For now I can use a tow truck.  But one day will I downsize .  

I have too much excess in my storage locker and want to downsize.

Will there be war?

Will I die soon.   I don’t feel like it. I expect I’ll live  another 20 years plus. I’ve got to take care of Madigan and he’s going to live to be 20.

I have this thought it would be fun and more peaceful to live cross dressed.  A nerd. Travels with Amber.  It just gives spice to the possible.  I don’t want to be restricted to conventional much more. I miss the dance and theatre days before the duty of medicine. I’ve served my life and clearly the reward hasn’t been as promised.  Yet I’m thankful. It’s been a blessed life. But what I want to do now is not bland. I don’t want to be loud. But discrete old lady listening.  I want to be receptive to the Holy Spirit. I’ve been so much in command. So much having the answers. So much the caregivers. I read of friends going to gyms and spas and swimming each day and body beautiful and I am still rushing to eat lunch and grab a coffee in the pressure of the day and the weekend goes too soon.  

I have a down weekend .  Hunting season is always pressured. No one’s fault but mine.  Yet it’s when I lose weight and get healthy with exercise as well as have a 180 change from my day. I’m so active hunting and camping.  At home I spend too much time on the couch reading and watching Netflix.  

I really am blessed.  There’s a mundane same old same old quality to this life and I’m not used to the pace. I don’t have any desire to work in hyperdrive. I used to always rise to the occasion. Now I’m pacing myself.  It’s okay.  I’m learning.

This age of retirement is difficult for me. I don’t really want to but I really would like a longer vacation. I”d like 3 months off . Or a year sabbatical. I’d done more years of work in the field and time on the front lines than most I know.  So many of my classmates have retired.  Friends are gardening and fixing homes and doing art projects . Others before Covid were travelling poorly.  Now I look forward to the post covid travel again.  I’m restricted by the world. There’s no need to push against the bars of the prison. There’s so much good here in the middle of the siege. So much I can do and consolidate.  Solar panels are my latest idea. I’ve lost track of the solar panel I had a few years back with an earlier generation of RV.  

I don’t need anything. I must manage my ‘wants’ and let them be. I have been blessed with so much.  Be satisfied. Be thankful.  

Even getting to the pool and hot tub are a challenge with covid but I’ve got the BC Vaccinate card and have been signed in and can just go there.  I have an electrical fencing for protection and solar motion lights but haven’t even needed them. I’m protected .  There was a bear in the yard nearby and people warned me. I first thought of getting my bow or gun and only after thought of the risk to Madigan and then I thought of my camera. My mind is peculiar these days.  With the proximity of the cougar I never thought of physical safety a couple of weekends back but instead thought of getting my camera out the gun right there.

I’ve enjoyed driving around the back country on my ATV.  Now I just fear theives. My patients have been broken into. I’m wondering where I can camp and be safe. I won’t take laptop perhaps.  I worry about theives , not just the government, but common theives.  It a worry of thieves.  This concern about not having what one has.

I’m so blessed with all I have. I’ve had such a full and exciting life and I have such extraordinary memories. Yet I want what I haven’t got.  I want leisure when I’m busy and busy when I’m at leisure.  A contrariness is in the works. I need more acceptance, patience and joy. 

Thank you Jesus for the life . Thank you for the time. Thank you for the experience.