Hard Start

I’m glad for work today.  It was a hard start this morning.  Two hits almost three to the snooze bar. Vague recollections of hunting dreams.  I walked Madigan but have this feeling there’s so many things I have to remember and do but not really. No more than usual. But I have that sense of dread that I’m forgetting something. I’m not .  It’s an old trigger. Like the time I went bow hunting and forgot the bow.  Forgetting the generator the weekend the batteries didn’t work. I’m a life of recurrences. It’s sometimes harder to be in the day. Carpe diem.

I walked the dog. I dumped the trash. I did my bare minimum exercise and meditation. I prayed I made coffee. I love my expresso in the morning A new religion.  The toast and peanut butter and jam were good.  Madigan is a squirmy.  He’s unnerved by his haircut. More dependent.  He peed in the washroom when I was out. Months of being house trained and suddenly he reverts.  He needs more walks. He’s bored with fall.  Tomorrow a backwoods hunting day. Next week play with other cockapoo.

I’m glad for work.  Ritual.  Being useful. I felt useful yesterday.  Just necessary to the carousel going round.  A spoke in the wheel.

I want to travel but Covid and all the restrictions as well as the uncertainty and the negative mood make it wise to wait. I dream of driving around the US with a camper and truck visiting historic sites. I have the dog along. I only fear theft.  I think of travels with Charlie.  Route 66.  Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Racing.  The last road to the coast. Corner of Winslow Arizona. I ‘d like that. Campfires in the evening. 

I used to think of driving to Alaska and hunting and fishing but I’m not so keen on that. I still think of driving east maybe visiting the northern clan. It’s been years. I want to sail down the inside passage.  A different boat, smaller less keel.  Appropriate for the task.  I imagine this RV in Arizona. I want to winter in the south.

The onset of fall and rain with the recurrent winter bronchitis and the SAD worry me. I want to be in Mexico. I want sun and heat in winter not rain and cloud.  

I want to go to Aberdeen, see Grandad’s home. I want to return to Ireland and visit Venice.  I have to always think of Madigan. Road trips are his thing but since I love museums and galleries he’s not the best companion on European or New York trips or safari’s.  He’s a great companion camping and at home. I love that we walk three times a day. It takes so little to brighten his day. 

Wearing women’s clothes gives a new twist to the same old same old. I ‘m worn down by the repetitive.  I sometimes just want to ‘get through the day’.  I weary of ‘waiting for Godot.’ I feel time is running out and there’s so muvh done an undone. I don’t know what the next phase will be. I’m leaving one home and no longer doing renovations. I don’t feel I’ll be in this body much longer but I don’t know where I’ll be. I like the known, the convenient, the easy.  Challenges are waiting but for now I’m doing the same old.

The world is in turmoil. I’m waiting for war and the abscess to break. I’d hoped for a new party with the election. New hope. But there was only mor of the same encroaching tyranny.  Insanity reigns in the pseudoscience and political lies.

This too will pass. I’m glad I have work today. I can be of service and help.

Thank you Jesus for meaning and purpose.