My white Scottie, Stuart and Cat ,Angel had flown Alaska Airlines, to Hawaii, Japan and the Northern Marianas. They allowed the cat in the cabin and she enjoyed walking about. Unlike Gilbert, Stuart couldn’t fly in the cabin but travelled below deck.
I don’t know why but now that I’m older the planes crashes I was in come back to mind. The near miss of the high jacking, the RCMP catching the presumed terrorist in Ottawa comes to mind too. I’m thinking more of times I was held hostage at work. The threats and attacks, physical and verbal, seem near the surface of my mind. Unlike before I find myself no longer to look back at all the abuse, poor work conditions and constant bullying as the call of duty. We’d do anything for the Naimarks, Hildes and Browns of the day but not for these wannabes today.
I’ve arrived at an age where I’ve done my time. I’ve served my country, my profession and my fellow man for 40 years. Working to the highest levels of training and with the least support in the field I’ve persevered. Like Gilbert below me now, under the seat, I’ve been a good man despite the politics of perfection and abuse.
As doctors we have trained at the highest level and served above and beyond the call of duty only because of the paucity of intelligenc in administration. The solution to every problem has been more administration, more meetings and less feet on the ground, less equipment and less beds.
I was promised a place in a 20th century service and spent most of my life working in third world conditions. Horrendous duplication and waste of resources. Massive mismanagement and now CEO’s paid obscene political apparatchik payments all the while the waitlists are unmanageable and the system flounders under the weight of increasing corruption and stupidity.
I’m flying to see my family in Ontario. They’ve a new provincial government. The last one defined health care as political correctness, social justice and euthanasia. I’ve never seen doctors more demoralized than they were here where everyone began to whisper. I’m fed up with the appalling leadership and legal system that simply doesn’t do as it promises and suffers no consequences. Meanwhile we’ve been constantly harangued and perfection has been demanded of us in the front lines.
I complain too much. It’s my mind. I’ve had equally good days and there has been amazing leadership. Indeed I’ve been spoiled by the likes of Dr. Jack Hildes and Dr. Nady el Guebaly, Dr. Bill Bebchuck, Dr. Bill Brown, Dr. Graeme Cunningham, Dr. Ray Baker, Dr. Graham ,Dr. Phillip Ney and Dr. Willi Gutowski.
I’ve been appalled at the low brows I’ve come across usually in government services as opposed to the university or private sector. I’m blessed to work with the very best doctors today and consult to the finest doctors and lawyers. When I’ve been being severely castigated for lack of political correctness by those with less training and less experience I’ve had to remind myself that for years I’ve been consulted by the heads of psychiatry, urology, cardiology, family medicine, cancer services and neurology. You can’t been a bad doctor as the politicos say and be sought by such amazing men and women. I’ve had word of mouth referrals for 40 years. Patients I saw 30 years ago have come back to me. I”ve had the same referring doctors for decades. I’ve seen three generations of patients. I’ve working with the most severely ill, acutely suicidal and dangerously insane. I’ve done general practice delivering a hundred babies and doing surgery, working in the far north and Marianas islands. I’ve specialized with 4 years of advacnced clipnical training in dual speciality completing psychiatry and two years of community medicine and one year of surgical internship. I’ve furthe subspecialized in addiction medicine, and had a special interest in trauma, first borderline personality disorders, then PTSD, then head injuries and medical consult psychiatric disorders . I’ve done so much extra training and workshops in a variety of advanced psycho therapies and psychopharmacologies and been a witness to the supercells court in British Columbia and the American Court in Sipan. I’ve taught. I’ve worked with Insurance Companies, the courts, Veteran Affairs. I say this because the gaslighting beurocrate do anything to undermine honest clinicians, especially “whistle blowers”. And I’ve had to be a whistle blowing stopping countless deaths because those tasked and paid o do this job have been negligent. Now today, political correctness is more important than morbidity or mortality. It’s okay if the patient dies so long as the electronic chart is pretty.
Yet I’ve faced lying psychopaths and their advocates, what Isaiah called the ‘long necked women ‘ and their ‘boys.’ A socialpath in power said “women don’t lie about sex’. Meanwhile a drug addicted ex prostitute was shaking me down for money and another sociopath was running a business scam and angry that I by my honesty and dedication to duty called them on their deceit. I was condemned as “confrontational”. It was considered “confrontational to make a diagnosis of addiction or malingering”. Even factious disorder was frowned on. Increasingly we were told to not practice textbook high quality medicine and psychiatry because it might offend the one in a thousand ever looking to be offended and lying as routinely. 999 could get substandard medical care just so the one was not offended. I was told the “customer” is always right and advised the health care was a consumer industry.
Now I’m struggling every day to overcome the back stabbing behaviour of the government and country that I served where the leadership has become evil and corrupted. I’m like so many of the solders , police , professionals and orthodox I see asking what happened. When did the leadership become down so totalitarian and paranoid about the citizens. When did they chuck accountability altogether wasting billions of tax payer money on one hair brained self serving idea or program after another. Every good person I know is asking this question. Every good person I admire is being attacked outright by management who seems greedy and stupid as a post. The government here is actually caught in casino and real estate money laundering. Gangs are shooting it out. They’re manufacturing their own guns. People are being attacked by trucks. I pray ‘forgive them for they know not what they do!’
Then I look at myself and see a ‘resentment’. I’m holding onto this past abuse. It’s triggered by the season. I am aging and the bitterness comes as a flavour solely becaus I suck the tit of despair. Jesus loves me. I have friends and family that love me. Surely Gilbert loves me but I devoted myself to work and lost marriages and fortunes by honesty and duty. I look at the corrupt and see them apparently succeeding. All the criminals I knew who grew marijuana and did drugs and brokethe law are rewarded today. Billions of dollars of government deceit has been rewarded and all those who were corrupt and dishonest and in bed with the criminals are celebrating their lawlessness.
Meanwhile I’m a Boy Scout I’ve been a Boy Scout and they called me a ‘non Tek player’. I said don’t leave the bodies on my doorstep and don’t include me in your latest scam.
.I see our stoner PM giving Ten Million dollars to a terrorist who attacked Americans. Those I thought were our greatest ally but somehow we’re in bed with dictatorships. My faith in common decency is shaken.
Meanwhile I’m the one stealing my joy., condemning myself, holding onto resentments. I’m reading the catastrophizing fear monger if news. I’m begging to think the glass is not half full.
Forgive them for they know not what they do. They are not human. I am here at Christmas come to see the birth of Jesus and celebrate the incarnation of God in this life. With his death and resurrection at Easter he shows us that this world is temporary, the Herrods and Sadduccees and Judges are in error. He throws the money lenders out of the temple. his Apostles are crucified. Herod and Pilate are villains like the beurocrats of Neuremburg. Meanwhile Peter , a lowly fisher man is revered as a saint.
I am wrong to fault others. The error has been mine. A wiser person would have done the same and not been hurt. I would have formed a committeee or taken wiser advise and saved my self the injury of filthy women whose greed and lust soiled their souls long ago. They used their bodies to seduce the men and women who advocated for them. Those who bear false witness are in the ascendancy because the very system of truth is under attack by the communist postmodernist devolution of society. I’m just caught up in a shit hole that is a cultural war.
Yet my job is to pray for my enemies. I’m not to rent them a place in my mind for free.
I’m supposed to be experiencing joy. I’m supposed to be counting my blessings. I’m supposed to be filled with gratitude. Yet I don’t sleep more than a few hours. I’m overwhelmed by work. I’m struggling to pay off a truck. I’m uncertain about my future. I can’t decide how long to work. I am filled with fear at the prospect of aging. I’m facing more and more physical limitations and don’t know what to do this year since I might not be able to do something next year. I’m fearful of making mistakes. I’ve less life and it’s now prescious. I criticize the administration and yet I feel like I’ve wasted my own life. I’ve been drawn into other peoples struggles .I’m a regular mercenary for the underdog.
I must pray more to God. I must show discernment. I must get beyond self pity and must avoid bitterness. I must look for the good. I need to do this . It’s paramount. I’m dying sadly because I don’t focus on the positive. There is no benefit for me fighting the good fight. I deserve a break. I deserve to be able to leave the battle field.
But 35% of society are still supporting this communist take over. I’m afraid that if I don’t remain now I’ll be brutalized in a nursing home some day by these sociopaths ivying for power. I fought for my patients daily and weekly, constantly punished for making the system work the way it was supposed to and not by ‘who you are’ and ‘who you know’. I’ve served so many under dogs and under dog causes. The rural hospital, the northern nursing clinics, the mental hospital wards, the asylum, the Aids epidemic and the tenanyl epidemic. I’ve gone where no one else would go. I’ve served in the communities with the greatest need. I sought most to serve God.
Now I am not feeling close to God because I’ve been waylaid by ego and inferiority. I’m ashamed of my lack of achievement and worry at the waste of life I’ve encountered doing good and being good. Now I’m all for hedonism and pleasure and am if anything too old for this after so much sacrifice and really is this not a bit of bullshit. When I’m honest I’ve had a great life and that’s the problem.
I look at my past and see the failure only because my search engine is flawed. I’ve had a great life. I’ve done andseen marvellous things. I’ve been blessed to be married to the most beautiful and sexiest women, most brilliant women on the planet earth. I’ve divorced them too. Ive bought the one sided lie that is the divide and conquer of the infantile court. Ive failed all those women and men but The reason never was heard in any court. 50% divorce rate today and judge no better at love than a society increasingly godless.
I’ve had friends to die for. I’ve had wonderful dog companions. I’ve studied the most extraordinary sciences and still I’m fascinated with science, Medina, the mind, history and spirituality. I’ve maintained my interest in chemistry. I know my psychiatry and work still but more and more I’m reading history. I just read a neurochemistry text and was not so excited as I am by the travel of religions. Younger I visited NASA.
I loved going through the hallowed shrines of Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard and Stanford . These were the highest churches of advanced learning. I was blessed to be at the universities I studies and taught at. I still take night school and on line courses. I even dream of taking classes in the future in these places .I miss libraries and writing papers, doing more formal research and having time to read th books that sit in stacks about my home. The books I’ve been reading I finish so slowly because there are so many distractions of lesser value.
I read and read and yet I’ve not written the books I’ve considered. I long to write. I don’t want to waste my time reviewing the assholes I’ve known. I’d rather write about the saints and genius and the women of great love and extraordinary skills of the mind and in the bed room. I’d like to write like Lawrence of the men I knew and what I learned.
It’s almost 2019. I have known several near death experiences. I’ve been in so many crashes, cars, trucks, motorcycles, planes. I’ve been shot at. I’ve faced guns pointed in my face. I’ve been knifed. I’d been locked up and threatened by my jailor. I can’t forget the words and the threats. I remembered those recently and it blotted ou the good of that day because I let it. I let this sociopath threatening me with all his abuse of power come back into my mind all the while I know he will burn in hell. He has no soul. He’s a capo. Stupid man vain man. A hollow man.
Now I’m twisted and hurt and wounded and I need to focus on the light . Shadows jump out into my path and I let them derail me. I must walk in the light and focus on the light. It’s hard but it’s harder not to do it.
Here is a perfect day. I’m above the clouds in a jet plane. The sun is shining. I’m flying from friends to family with the greatest of companion dogs. I’m blessed. God is great all of the time. I must look heavenward and let go of the hell ive known while nurturing too the joys I’ve been blessed with. I must stop being an ingrate and becoming more forgiving as Jesus is, was, and ever shall be.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment