Christmas 2012

I don't have a wife and children. No matter how much marriage I did I didn't get a family which I took for granted would come out of marriage. My generation, Canadians collectively, my age anyway, are more of a 'divorce' culture. I've watched others take more pleasure and interest in divorce than weddings. The whole matter of dating has left me bitter, with legal bills, horrendous financial burden, loss of direction, displacement and the shame of it all. My friends who avoided the whole matrimony thing, had kids, paid the bills and lived together or didn't did better in the long run, except maybe those older than me. There's still a Rockwell picture in it for some.
50% divorce rates, higher rates of failure on second and third marriages. The legal lottery of divorce pays the highest to the best lawyers whereas the East Indian marriages survive often because of mutual jeopardy and the requirement that with divorce the wedding gifts are paid back. The only marriage in Canada anyway is the 'prenuptial aggreements', the courts showing little respect for the state or religious marriage contract. A third of the children of parental DNA test show that the children aren't the fathers who has often paid untold child support to a woman who can without abort a father's child leaving him feeling as I have felt, bereft, powerless, unmanly, devastated and disheartened.
It's been called a 'death culture', not just for the celebration of divorce that gives fetal Murderer Morgentaller the Order of Canada. It's like putting Hitler on the cover of Time. There's no rhyme or reason to these days. I'm jaded.
That's Christmas for single people. I celebrate my family and the winners in the social sports. I feel a loser this time of the year. I long for the parents past and the aunt and the family scenes of nostalgic childhood and Christmas dinners, and fireplaces. Friends have been great. They've even shared their families and homes and hearth with this silent scrooge. It's not polite to bitch and rant about Christmas, the social celebration, the consumer image and brand.
I'm just glad it's over. I have too much pain from the Christmas's that followed the years of separation and divorce and the death of family and the thought of the abortion of life.
I'm a recovered alcoholic too. 15 years ago I partied with the best of them, partnering with drug addicts and drunks but I got clean and sober and made amends and left that scene which was for this binge drinking, monumental at the Christmas New Year's hub. In the darkest nights of the year I lit up. We wouldn't drink for half a year but Christmas was a time of parties that began Christmas Eve and ended with the January hangover. Today I just don't like the drunks driving on the road and the smell of booze on breath and the chaos of the consumer frenzy with all the inducement to drunkeness. It's a time of the year I often go solo sailing to the islands. Just to get away. I have a dog who loves his extra treats, the bones and squeaky toys. He's never seen me drunk and I don't like the memory of arguments with drunken women or hung over women. I don't like dry drunks either, those short fuse, critical judgemental people with lots of blaming others for their unacknowledged depression, anxiety and anger. I don't like the angry entitled young men either with testosterone and expectation of respect for stupidity. I don't like going out at night on the streets even during the Christmas season. Mornings are great.
I love the church today. I love the trumpets and horns and caroles and the warmth of congregation. I love meetings too where we huddle together against the cold of the year.
This year Gilbert and I left the precarious heat and water of the sailboat and took a luxury hotel in Seattle. I had showers with endless hot water, turned the heat up high, watched the recent movies on pay tv and ordered in room service. The Alexis Hotel was extremely dog friendly and Gilbert met friends everywhere and the staff called out his name. I loved it. It was decadent. I listened to Michael Smith on the Message driving to and fro Seattle. I attended Trinity Episcopal Church and was delighted with the welcome Gilbert and I received in this loving inviting church. I opened the gifts from my family and friends Christmas Day and I didn't cry. I can nurse self pity with the best of them and think it's something more than just self absorption. I took delight in a friend volunteering her services caring for others this Christmas. It reminded me of the years I've worked Christmas and Hannukah because I didn't have children and could cover for those who did have family. It's often where us single people gather, helping others.
This year I had a cold and was glad to get over the bronchitis with rest and relaxation.
I know it's Christ's birthday. I know that Jesus wasn't born this day but that mid winter was a holiday the church tacked the birth of Christ too. Good a time as any since no one knows when he was born and even the year is suspect. Some question Bethlehem as his birthplace. I don't. I was there and whether it's the spiritual centre for millions of worshippers or a special place of historic significance, Bethlehem will ever remain a sacred moment in my memory. I really must get back to Israel. If ever my faith falters there's no better place to be. Walking in the steps of the man who was a 'servant king' who washed the feet of his disciples, raised the dead, healed the sick and preached the Good News, the Gospel.
I have a family in the church. I know that. I have a family in my nephews, neices, cousins and friends. I know that. But I'm Canadian so I define myself but what I don't have and what I'm not. I'm not American and I'm not European. We're all immigrants here, even the First Nations. Maybe only in the Middle East do people belong which is why they kill each other more over any piece of land than any other. A space ship probably landed the first Australians there and they bred with the locals giving rise to Atlantis or cro magnons whichever theory suits. They still can't explain why a Chimpanzee with more years than the Big Bang could never play Mozart. Alot of weasel room and fudge data in the theories that become political fights once people get mixing up the 'facts'.
I'd like to be levitating. I'd like to be singing Hosannah with arms outstretched but mostly I'm trying to block out the complaints to the college. Every Christmas I get a complaint to the college, mostly from drug addicts or alcoholics who I've refused to sign their chit. They get pay back. For every doctor a complaint to the college costs thousands of dollars and hours of time and only the most mediocre of doctors, those most protected, the best business men, the least risk takers, the ones who avoid the psychiatric patients, the prisoners, the sociopaths and psychopaths, who look on medicine as a good job, like the good administrative jobs that are so safe and well funded and pensioned in medicine, not the frontlines where disease exists. We're lead from behind. There are no leaders who lead their troops. There are none anymore who put themselves in harms way. They're all Monday morning quarter backs. No doctor can show pain because that's where they poke you if you do. They say open up and let your defences down, solely to know your vulnerability, while they hide in 1950, living lives of ivory tower perfection and delusional. I pray for them. Ee Cummings called 'them' , 'thosepeople', one word. It's the 'other' and Martin Buber said the great question is whether to love or fear them. I work on loving them. I love them and know they fear and hate me and I love them more wondering always if this is a good idea because sainthead seems to attract crucifixion and I'm too much coward and softee to want to tweak the nose of the beast these days. I want to slip away into old age or die quickly with my boots on. I 'm afraid. The future isn't trusty. I've done pretty good with mine so far but there's a lot of doubt in the air. Media, doubt, booze, economics, terrorists, talk of war, all that is hard to keep outside all the time especially with all the beggars and theives grabbing at one.
I can slip into a rant like the great Canadian Mercer. He calls politics his spectator sport. He's concluded the leadership should just stay home as they're increasingly irrelevant.
It's that time of the year. I'm going to get into gratitude for New Year's Eve,
I'm grateful, really. I read the secret. I know that my thinking has caused all the pain I've had. It's all my fault as my mother would say. I've also read Job and shit just happens because shit can.
Hallelujah! Hope is what Jesus brought. Hope not in this life. This life isn't real. The next one is. Heaven is real. This is just a kindergarden or training ground. This is where we learn that what we do has consequence and there is a thing called Karma. It's called divine retribution too. It's the number two law of Jesus. Number one was Love God. Since God is Love and Love is everything we really have to love even our enemies, bitch that that is. So much for fear, anger and self pity. That's all the doubt that sinks a Peter walking, preventing him from walking on water. I feel like that. Everytime I feel like I'm walking on water I think . It's like the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Anyone can walk on air if you don't think about it. Then Jesus says "Love your Neighbour as Yourself". The price of gold these days and that's still called the Golden Rule. It's the law that Trumps Donald Trump and Einstein and Newton and all the laws of this world. It's tough because I'm here learning love , probably sent to earth as an interdimensional insane asylum. That's the best explanation for The Lord of Flies leadership ideas I encounter in the committee room geniuses who live above real consequences.
Bodily disease is what we think. As Jesus says it's not what you put in your mouth but what comes out of your mouth that counts. This is from the guy who avoids uttering profaniety but is cursed with vulgarity by the truly vulgar who don't know the difference. No surprise the Rapture left me behind.
I've hauled a hundred liters of diesel down to the boat for warmth. I'm going to exchange a gift for the right size. I've got more cleaning to do. I'm praying. I'm asking God what I'm supposed to do with this life. I'm begging him to point the way and give me direction. I'm feeling like I'm sitting on the bench a bit but that's another thing that happens mid winter. I'm always restored by the crocuses and they're only weeks away. It's like the morning after the dark night of the soul. There's always a dawn. The day Jesus was born the universe knew a new dawn. God entered creation. In the east they have saints escaping life, becoming God like and no longer having to do another term on earth. But Jesus was God coming to earth, the second Adam. Eve was Mary too. Eve the slut became Mary the virgin. Both gave birth to the human race, one secular, another sacred.
Some people life flat liner lives, like drug addiction and lizards. It's all concrete with no inner life, no emotional life and no spiritual life and no unconscious and conscious. The man with the most toys, money, power and lust objects and addictions wins. But without Love you have nothing. Love is all. Thank you Jesus.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sailboat in Snow, Vancouver

Vancouver does have snow. It's just not that common. When there is snow all the driver on the road who haven't come here from back east go into overload and drive even worse than they normally do. I have electric heat, propane heaters and a diesel heater. When the diesel heater is on for a while the boat is really comfy but it takes time to warm up. Because of the amp limits of hydro supply on the dock the electric heaters simply keep the boat at the point where one is comfortable in sweaters and slacks. I don't like to wear that much clothing so the diesel heater is the ticket but it takes time to really heat up the boat. While this is happening I have a little propane heater which serves well. When I was sailing down the coast in winter I had the diesel heater on night and day around the clock and the boat was quite toasty. I prefer most though when the heat outside makes the sailboat a marvellous air conditioner. I suspect a nuclear reactor would be just the ticket for providing heat but barring that the diesel heater does well. My miata didn't like the snow but it's heater worked well and it handle the slippery streets very well. Gilbert with 4 wheel drive doesn't know what all the fuss is about. Right now I'm in a marvellously decadent and comfortable luxury hotel waiting for room service pizza and glad to be off the boat for a bit.

Sandy Hook, Guns, Asparagus and Social Terrorism

It's like Columbine all over again. The same occurred in Montreal. A tragedy occurs and those who have an ax to grind, or a gun to load or unload, derail the story with utter disrespect for the principal players, the victims and victimizer. These cabal of hyenas then put their brand all over the thing to sell their idea of a new world order or peace on earth stealing the Sandy Hook tragedy from those who forever live with the reality of the 'thing'.

What concerns me most about these random acts of violence, truly far rarer than the common random acts of human kindness that routinely go unreported, is that they overlook the most obvious facts of the critical drama played out by victims and victimizer.

 First and foremost the person who is accountable is the killer yet ever so very quickly we are distracted from the individual and individual responsibility to somehow feeling perhaps that his eating or not eating asparagus was as important as President Obama and the National Firearms Association.  The thing suddenly becomes about asparagus rather than about murder.

Frankly I'd think the Rifle Manufacturers wouldn't want to be drawn into this any more than a Toyota executive would wants to have his company's name mentioned when there's a car accident involving the deaths of dozens of 'victims'.   Rarely do I hear what 'brand of car' was involved in a drunken mass murder on the highways but  I actually learned what bullet types were used in this killing.  This is odd as  I can't recall anyone telling me the nature of the steel, domestic or foreign,  used in the recent slashing and stabbing that occurred down the street in my own city.

The critical factor to is that this man was part of a family and raised in a particular way in a particular community and went to a particular school. Somehow even our highly offensive media and this culture of irrelevance and  fatuousness have less influence on a person than the presence or lack of presence of a person's family. There is first and foremost accountability in the family and immediate community, followed by school and teachers and perhaps church, mosque synagogue and religion and lastly political party affiliation.   Did this kids' family vote democrat or republican in the last election?

For years we've been denying any relationship between children and their primary caregivers. This way when a child becomes a nobel prize winner we can't thank his parents for a job well done. Because simply, no praise, no blame. So some inanimate object, a tool, is held accountable for an intentional action rather than the people who gave birth and raised this child to manhood or increasingly in the case of violence these days womanhood. And I've known a mother who raised her son to jihad and spent every waking day of her time with him encouraging him to kill with revenge the infidels. But today I'd think Einstein wasn't responsible for relativity theory it must have been the pen or pencil he used that created that marvellous wonder of science.

It's amazing what can be given with mother's milk but we can't look there can we. We can't ask where was the father either.  Why wasn't  the father teaching his son the proper use and handling of guns. We can't ask either what gun safety programs were available in that community or what requirements specifically were in place around the purchase of guns if the guns were 'legitimate'. Somehow when teenagers are driving without a license and crash stolen cars we all register that there's something intrinsically wrong about the issues of possession, legitimacy and education in this case yet somehow those critical areas of concerns have been lost in competing agendas that have no respect for the victims or victimizers in this case and more concern with collecting funding for non profits and lobby group CEO's.

Not in a generalized consideration of a irrelevancies, but specifically what salesperson sold a gun to a man wearing a cap that said "I"m going to kill children first opportunity I have."? We ask bar tenders to assess the drunkeness of patrons before they are served so what occurred in this specific case? I don't know. I heard this whole important story immediatly hijacked by these dirty people with dirty agendas who simply love to pounce on these kinds of stories for their own promotion.  The causes and agencies with a dog in a wholly different fight were all over this story from the get go.  They lust for these kinds of the stories.

I never did hear the important parts of the very specific 'crime'. I don't know the name of the man who sold the gun to this man who was wearing a look "I want to kill my mother."  I want to know about that individual more than I want to know about asparagus.  I don't think what he ate was as important as what music he listened to or what magazines he read.

I want to know about this specific school and whether there were any courses on morality which I suspect were absent since God has been banned from the schools. I didn't hear any one saying 'perhaps we should return to having prayer in the school' since it seems these kinds of events have occurred in America since America dropped prayer from the curriculum. But I'm just a social scientist and I'd say that there have been guns around forever but this mass murder at the school seems to have taken an increase since we allowed the  courts rather than elected make decisions for society.

Now wouldn't that be interesting to hear from the media which frankly I would love to say caused these tragedies if only because there's often better news coverage these days from the late night comedians than the supposedly learned 'talking heads'. I do think that the whole exercise is about denying the individuals their personal tragedies and not letting the police do their work realistically, not politically and not as an 'entertainment' which this 'circus'  certainly became rapidly.

 It's not about guns as much as it's about accountability and responsibility and whether individuals, families, communities, business men or inanimate objects or whether he did or didn't eat asparagus is the problem. Next thing I'll be hearing is that this bad little monster kid ate at  Macdonalds and Big Macs cause mass killings so Macdonalds should go strictly vegetarian.

At least these events do wonders for reassuring us about the collective stupidity and herd mentality that will guarantee that more of these will occur. As we learned from teenage suicide epidemics, we can learn from Columbine and Sandy Hook , there's a whole lot of irrelevant inadequate needy individuals who will now know their way to fame is to shoot up their neighbourhood. That's why we put a muzzle order on the media reporting of terrorist acts back in the day of Carlos so that terrorists couldn't use violence as a means to get a stupid sideline view to the maximum number of people without going through American Idol like the rest of us.  As a result terrorism was then controlled better by the authorities. This kid was a social terrorist by any definition and these acts of apparently random violence are 'terrorism'.  As a result we should learn from the terrorist experts and take that learning into the schools.

When we advertise a teen suicide a dozen copy cats occur.   I'd like the media to be held accountable for it's celebration of death and to take some of the responsibility for this act of mass destruction. I'd point out to that the use of armed air marshals on planes and metal detectors are the best bet that multimillion dollar air industry has arrived at. When I enter a court room I have my bag scanned and empty my pockets.  I think kids would be safer in schools if the entrance had a metal detector and there was an armed security guard not unlike any government office. If anything perhaps we could learn from the death of the marines overseas and from these kids and ask what we can do to really make our schools safer because terrorism isn't going to go away just because we all collectively keened on face book.

While we're getting real we can also consider that this is the best evidence that removing God from the school has failed and perhaps suggest that a post constructionist study of morality and ethics in light of the learning spirituality should be as important to a school curriculum as art.  All the collective moaning and keening and angst isn't going to do much to stop the next attack. It's  being planned right now by some little nobody  needing serious psychiatric help in a society that would rather spend more money on public relations lawyers to do 'damage control' than on mental health resources to prevent the problem.

Let's get real. This isn't about inanamate objects, it's all about people. And personally I'm a little tired of those folk who get paid to hijack the news to their own ends. And yes we should also out law bombs, oops we did that, didn't we? And by golly gee, the president still has a security detail and the borders still have armed guards. Now why is that?  Don't you think we should care for our children, seriously.

Air Canada and Star Alliance

I just returned from an arduous flight to and from Athens Greece from Vancouver.  I'd just like to thank Air Canada and it's staff for the excellent service.  I flew Aegean and Lufthansa as well. I believe this is part of the whole Star Alliance program.  Air Canada check in staff were gracious, friendly and helpful on the flight out.  They were extremely helpful with my connections in Montreal and Frankfurt. Everything on the way out was superb with great service on board the jets and excellent pilotting and landing.  A joy to be a traveller with this kind of service.
On the way back Aegean Airlines book my luggage through to Vancouver. The flight from Athens to Munich was without a hitch.  Great stewardess and a delightful flight in a marvellous airplane.  In Frankfurt the Lufthansa carrier was hit with a horrible snow storm that had us delayed an hour.  We had to wait in line for de icing and yet through out the pilot was cordial and informative  Despite some bumpiness initially the flight was a delight with great service.
Due to the slowness at Security, change of staff, and Heathrow Airport problems I didn't make the connection for my airplane.  I was infuriated but the Air Canada staff at Heathrow were simply amazing. Understanding my frustration at missing a plane by minutes, they set to finding me alternative arrangements to get me back to Canada.  I wasn't going to arrive at 5 pm as planned but they were able to get me back to Vancouver by 1 am the next morning This would allow me to keep my clinic obligations and cause limitted disruption in my work schedule.  Naturally it would be a hassle and extra strain but it was a solution that I was extremely thankful for. It was clear too that the Air Canada staff were there for me wanting to help me in every way possible and understanding of my tiredness, frustration and desire to meet my obligations by getting back as soon as possible.
In Vancouver 1 30 am I was without my luggage as somehow it got caught up in Customs without me being there to collect it when it arrived and I didn't.  Again the baggage staff were excellent, kindly taking information, offering solicitous remarks, tolerating my peevishness after 30 plus hours of flight and travel. The trouble was that I'd forgotten to take my car keys out of the luggage so now couldn't pick up my car in long term parking. Further there were no taxis at the domestic airlines terminal but fortunately there were at the International.
The next day my luggage was found by Air Canada. They were again extremely helpful and shipped my luggage to me by courier as I wasn't able to 'drive' out and pick it up. With my car keys I was able then to taxi to the airport and retrieve my car.
Travelling internationally with several airplane carriers and all the various personnel is a huge achievement.  The airlines are truly amazing in what they have accomplished for passengers and communications worldwide.  Air Canada outdid itself to help me personally and I'm extremely thankful for their assistance.  The airlines were all star for me in this Star Alliance. Air Canada shone the brightest of all with it's helpful personnel in the airports, in booking and on the flights.  Thank you Air Canada!

National Voices

I've just been reading "National Voices", the 2012 Anthology of the Canadian Authors Association, Vancouver. As a member of the Canadian Authors Association, knowing well most of these extraordinary and talented writers in person, I'm especially grateful to read their works in this delicious smorgasbord of sizzling poetry and prose. I've concluded , that hanging out with writers is like hanging out with a marvellous bunch of underwear models. In their street clothes they're delightful enough, but when they disrobe they're downright titillating with these shocking, exotic and surprisingly colourful undergarments. Sometimes too, when they strut the author catwalk, the band playing, "I'm too sexy for my words!", I hear the hallelujah choir ever so faintly in the silences of periods, commas and semi colons. How I love that well placed exclamation mark! It's good to be a writer among writers, especially writers helping writers.

Munich Snow Storm

Athens Walk, Dec. 10, 2012

I'm sitting in a cafe waiting for a sandwich. I'd hoped to go to a fine restaurant but the dark streets bothered me so I decided I liked it here at a cafe near my hotel where the police hang out. I was here this morning and there were so many of these leather clad guys and girls I thought it was a motorcycle club. By asking, I found out it was the 'municipal police'. I've had a great day walking about Athens, mostly around Omonia, where I started from, and Syntagmos, the centre of the city where the Parliament Buildings are. I came across a beautiful church but don't know the name. I asked who a fellow wearing a white skirt was and the priest told me he was "St. George, not the one on the horse, but the Greek St. George." I asked him what he did to become a saint. The priest smiled wryly, "He helped the Greeks fight the Turks."
My sandwich arrived and the sweet waitress has grilled it.  Delicious edam cheese and ham. I've lost weight this fall with hunting and walking so bought a 3 euro belt along with fresh 1 euro a pair of black socks. There are street kiosks and vendors everywhere.
I bought a terrific pair of trousers in Omonia Square at Panagiotropolis for $25 euros, dress wool I believe and the lovely saleslady said she'd have them hemmed in an hour. I'm wearing them now. There are tailors here too. Every craftsman or tradesperson has a little shop somewhere. A whole block of fabric and upholster stores reminded me of New York, Hong Kong and Mexico City where a particular craft or trade will congregate till one day there's a 'district'. These big old cities are in constant flux. It's a vertical city like New York too and I've not even ventured much about the first couple of floors. I've looked at signs showing all manner of businesses are represented 7 and 8 floors above. I visited museums and art galleries this afternoon, enjoying the visual inspiration.
I figured I'm a bit saturated. When I saw a picture of a dog in a Nicholas Guysis painting all I wanted was to be home with Gilbert. The last thing I would have said a couple of weeks ago was I was looking forward to work but actually I am looking forward to the office and routine. I forget how like a third leg I begin to feel without useful work to do. I'm very thankful to have my profession, the opportunity to help people, the education and colleagues and the patients who put their trust in me.
I discussed addiction and alcoholism today with a couple of Irish men and and an English woman who had been in Berlin and known Rudolf Hess. We were sharing how similar and different the disease was. In one person it presents like Schizophrenia and in another it presents like a psychopathic personality disorder. Not surprising, considering it's a brain disease and the central computer crashes. Seeing the men desperately shooting up with needles on the street here I felt good about working at Doc Side Clinic in the Methadone Maintenance Program. It gives people a life back.
 I talked with a former Greek heroin addict here and he described how he had no life when he was on heroin He just lived from hit to hit hoping for death or a moment of relief. They have treatment centers and AA in Athens. The English speaking AA happened first then was followed by Greek speaking AA.
I am looking forward to talking with people too, without consideration of language issues., back in Canada.   Each time I've met an English speaking person I've had an immense sense of relief. Most people's grasp of English as a secondary language is like mine for Spanish and French, rudimentary and focussed on the concrete. Since the conference a week ago, before today I'd only spoken with a couple of people who spoke English such that we could joke. Today I was discussing Israeli politics with a very funny Irish fellow who described Greeks "Like Arabs, they can't get along". He'd just arrived back from Israel and described hearing sirens and thinking it was about traffic only to be ushered outside and down in the basement as he heard bombs exploding in the distance. He said even though there was threat of war and the anxiety about that , he preferred being in Israel than back in Athens because of the chaos and hostility here. His friend had been complaining about the lack of electricity in their area with heat and lights off. She was thinking of returning to Britain because of the rising costs locally though would dearly miss Athens.
This was all for me 'conversation' and 'ideas'. For a week I've been at the 'where is the bathroom…..is this the way to the Museum?" I've actually raised my voice repeating myself thinking that somehow volume would help my pronunciation. Then I tweaked to technology and took to taking pictures with my iPhone of what I wanted and suddenly getting an 'aha!" I'm beginning to think that while I seem to understand a lot in other languages, English is the one language I can be understood in some of the time.
 It still amazes me to consider the doctors at the World Congress of Interdisciplinary Psychiatry discussing the most advanced terms and ideas of psychoanalysis and neurochemistry in English as their second language. To me that's a kind of rocket science yet we so often take for granted the incredible language skills people have. My nephew Andrew is so fluent in French the French don't recognize him as English. In contrast I'd be the first one shot as a spy if I opened my mouth.