I was attracted to Facebook as a means of staying in touch with family . I enjoyed sharing pictures and humor. Then the advertising began. Now every second post is an advertisement. Next the politics. I thought after years of university and study and meeting the great men of the era my thoughts and information would be welcome. Increasingly I was attacked not in a debate way, not respectfully, not in a way in which I’d learn something but in a wholly partisan way. Increasingly I’d be discussing something only to learn that I was talking with a paid politics hack, a troll. This just kept happening.
So between the highly abusive school yard bullies and the political paid hacks I was finding myself ‘defending’ the very basics of life and liberty. I was in the French Revolution.
I was also encountering people who had never known any freedom or truth in their countries of origin and now wanted me to follow them to their worship of abusive powers. They felt the country they’d escaped was restrictive and violent but that this country was ‘too free’. They wanted the LGBT community closed. They wanted comedians silenced. They rejected all the ‘values’ I’d been raised on and gave me instead the revolutionary rudiments of the early 19th century peasant revolutionary slogans developed by academic and lawyers of the day to dominate and control people These ‘peasants’ and ‘proletariat’ didn’t know the least about logic and rhetoric or even Robert’s Rules of Order, Scientific Method or Andy Warhol 20 minutes. I was increasingly a very educated studious hard working sober person throwing myself in the ring with drunken stoned thugs who’d avoided school and education and just wanted free stuff and mob rule.
Having been in the peace movement and also the Boy Scouts, having lived a life of a healer yet worked with the military and served in the most dangerous positions I’d acquired a fairly broad perspective on the human condition. Having been billy clubbed and shot at in the sixties and seventies for being ‘different’, having long hair, mostly, and wanting ‘peace’ and ‘questioning authority’ and staying the word ‘fuck’, I’d a fair grasp of the word « Peace Missile’. Yet here were people insisting they were from a ‘Religion of Peace’ while calling me the aggressor despite threatening me and being in my home. The Jehovah Witnesses came to my home and asked to be invited in. They had manners. Yet these other newcomers were invited in by Trudeau and didn’t barge into his home but walked into mine and called me a ‘cunt’. I was told I must accept it. I felt increasingly pushed into a corner as more and more men were threatening my life and my dog’s and increasingly these groups of strangers were moving in gangs throug they areas I once walked. I didn’t feel safe.
It wasn’t one religion or one colour. It wasn’t outsiders either. It was my own leaders who for kickbacks had sold my home and left me feeling I had no where to go. They disarmed me and the law wasn’t applied university. All these strangers I’d meet didn’t obey the law. They had tribal armies and criminal associations and judges were afraid of them. I was afraid of them. They’d laugh at me and say the police won’t do anything for you and they didn’t. They called me the aggressor and said that I’d always been the aggressor and they were the victims.
Yet I’d personally spent my life serving and helping people. So here I was denied my life by the people who claimed they loved and cared for me. I was actually offered euthanasia and told to leave. I’d worked in the worst backwoods , the subarctic and served in the ghettos but now was older. I’d been beat up saving a pregnant woman. Spat at, bled on , threatened repeatedly with knives and weapons and yet I was constantly being told I was the problem.
I liked being in churches and temples. I liked being with the Dalai Lama and Bishop Tutu. I found increasingly I didn’t want to be with the tough men. I’d done my alpha male years and fought the worst government and gang members , physically and in courts, defending the underdogs and now felt there was no one to protect the old. I was old and increasingly feminine.
I finally had a lying psychopath crack addict smoking crack in my office abusing my patients who I fired. Her leather jacketed silly swaggering boyfriend threatened my life and despite my paying a million in taxes and always being a good citizen the police did nothing. Indeed the government made me pay her $5000 despite her stealing tens of the thousands from my office and lying to the authorities about sexual assault that occurred when I wasn’t in the country. I hired a lawyer for tens of thousands and fought to keep my license from another psychopath in power who hated men because her husband had tired of her abuse and left her. She proclaimed from her position of power and authority. « Women Don’t Lie About Sex. ». I was sitting in the room with a psychotic pseudo judge defending a drug addicted lying prostitute who had threatened my life by proxy and stolen tens of thousands of dcoallers and extorted even more. I learned then that the College of Physicians and Surgeons was a corrupted political organization that no longer represented truth or cared for the truth. I learned in years of fighting for survival at the loss of hundreds of thousands of dollars working 7 days a week that the government was in part deeply evil. Corrupted. Increasingly I was exposed to this and met with hundreds of other good men and women , doctors and lawyers and engineers, highly educated, from all religions and walks of life who were finding that the truth in Canada was gone.
A lying psychopath from another country, a malingering lawyer who had two jobs and flew all over the world but told her employer she couldn’t work while working under the table every day, that she wanted me to lie for her and when I refused she wrote a letter to everyone saying I was dangerous. Now she was a psychotic psychopath but again I was dealing with the pseudo judges who told me that I was wrong to care and that I should not trust the patients that they were paranoid and that I should be paranoid like them and that I should be a lawyer not a doctor.
Accept that medicine was ‘just a job’. The ‘patient is the enemy’. The client is the ‘enemy’. You ‘can’t trust them.’ You’re just there to sell drugs. It doesn’t matter if they get well. No one cares. Just push product. Be like me. I’m an administrator now. « He was a ‘hollow man’. His face was at Nuremberg. Hundreds of thousands of dollars more.
I prayed. I meditated but something about the lies and false narratives and the repeated insistence by the violent that they were peace ful and loving and caring kept dragging me in. I just kept hearing the insanity of the old saw, ‘we’re killing you for your sake.’ Psychopaths gaslighting the nation. These narcissist who had all become multi millionaires who got rich from being in government insisting they were their to help. The Haters insisting everyone else was hatter. The Nazis saying they were against Nazi. It was insane.
I was appalled when finally I learned from the black listed lawyer that the Communist Army was invited to Canada to train with the Canadian troops. I was appalled at the media. I was appalled that they accepted billions of dollars and that the leadership lived in the US and came to Canada to oversea a propaganda.
Only 40 percent of the world is free.
60 percent lives under dictatorship.
I liked freedom. I liked Canada I grew up in . I liked the idea of a future that my brother and I and our family having known being available for the future generations of our family. I got sucked in.
I shared on Face book.
I discussed idea repeatedly with people who always just said Hate. Hate. And ad hominem. Then would start saying you are stupid and crazy. So I’d return the punches. I felt like I’d been with boys who were screaming ‘I want to kill you’ because I’d stopped them killing me. I had worked with the dangerously insane and countless times stopped a person wanting to kill me without hurting them. Now every day I was frustrated holding punches and taking insults threats and abuse.
Finally I’d seen a good man, our PM taken down by the mob. I’d had my dog killed and my life threatened and my blind heart diseased last dog threatened and the police did nothing. I was seeing people who were threatened by the mob and their employers far removed were saying they shouldn’t have upset them. I saw several patients who had been accosted by knife and gun weilding criminals and told by their employers they should n’t have upset them, they shouldn’t have called the police.
The criminals like the brown shirts of Nazi Germany were protected but not us. « People don’t just threatened to kill and steal from people. You must have done something wrong to have had that happen., ». I was told by the police accessory.
It was always my fault.
I was taught to avoid ‘self pity’. I did years of training in avoiding the ‘victim position’ but here was the world turned upside down just like in the communist revolution and the nazi revolutions and I was afraid. I couldn’t defend myself from this man who was screaming he’d kill me and my dog and the police and authorities were on his side. The patient who threatened me was able to get the full support of the government to steal years of my life.
I was married to a cocaine addicted woman who moved all the money into her accounts and ran up a debt in the business under my name. I paid it off. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. Five years of my life. Canadian values. I was told to declare bankruptcy repeatedly. She’d been a ‘clever’ person and the lawyers had helped her play the victim with lies upon lies upon lies.
I went to a monastery. I felt safe in an ashram. I sailed away to see and was 25 days alone sailing through winter hurricanes and finding that preferable to the lies.
I turned my cheek 70 times 70. I refused to have sex. I was celibate for years. I fasted for weeks , no food. I did all these religious practices.
In the end I waited to die. I couldn’t beat them and I didn’t want to join them. Yet I suffered from the stock hole syndrome. I reported a killer and a pedophile and saw a psychiatrist who told me to shut up and denied I told him about the person who turned out to be his family member. Conflicts of interest and lies. Even in the people who promised to care for me. I understood the paranoids. Money talks. These people sold their souls for so little.
She said « I saw the nurse killing the babies but I didn’t say anything because I’d seen what the government did to you when you reported the killer in your midst.’
I was an example. They tarred and feathered my soul and hung my heart outside the city skewered on a pole.
I still muddled along. There were always good people. There were always good people There were so many good people who stood by me. We were poor. But we had each other.
I loved to camp and smell the fresh clean air. I loved the sea. I sailed and I camped and I bicycled and motorcycles. I drank coffee and I wrote.
FB was a reliving off all that horror.
I don’t like being called a ‘cunt’ because I disagree. I don’t like late night calls saying we know where you live and we’re going to kill your dog. I don’t like being fallowed by gangs of young men in cars just waiting for me to be in the dark where they can attack. I’ve been mugged by ten men. I’ve been chased by a half dozen boys. I’ve had these hooligans threatening me all my life as I lived in libraries and delivered babies. I even had to wrestle to stop a man kicking his pregnant wife in the belly in the obstetrics room. I had to disarm a man with an axe who’d missed his opponent and gashed his leg and now wanted to kill the doctor. I’ve been punched in the head holding a suture sewing up a brawler because he didn’t like my skin colour. I’ve been told I’d rather my child die than have a whitey doctor care for him. I saved the child’s life. No one says they’re sorry.
Everyone thinks we are paid so much. They don’t know that the government takes everything back. Dues and fees and education costs and then taxes and no benefits and no pension and constant abuse and no people don’t give you respect when you say doctor. They think he’s got money, how can I take it. He’s easy prey not like a lawyer or a banker or a businessman. Let’s rob the doctor. He’s easy. He’s a sucker. He’s a fool.
Self pity. Not a pretty thing.
So there i go and I hang out in the cafeteria in the insane asylum called FB and I talk with the other inmates. I notice that my colleagues don’t eat there. They eat in their offices. They never ‘mix’ with the ‘commoners’. The College of Physicians and Government says to it’s doctors. Don’t ‘mix’ with common men and women. I was told never socialize outside of with doctors, lawyers, accountants and engineers. « Don’t even mix with the nurses. Nobody can be trusted. It’s all about boundaries. Think of yourself as an ‘officers’. The administrative doctors in government told me. Don’t socialize. Don’t share anything. You can’t trust them. They are the enemy.’
I saw that the people who followed that sage wisdom became rich and powerful.
Today I left the cafeteria.
I normally would read all the advertisement and see what others were doing. I’d love the occasional picture of children or camping or snow shoeing but I’d get caught up in the countering the ‘Hate’. I’d play mediator. I’d play devils advocate. I ‘d defend the underdog. I’d counter the propaganda of the mainstream powerful rich . I’d react to the drunken or stoned bullying. I’d see how impaired the writer was by their process. I’d have fun. Like a game. Then I’d get the late night call threatening to kill me. I’d have complaints to the government and college about my defending the government or a party or a medical decision. I’d have all these indirect attacks and proxy assaults.
I cried when my dog was killed. I couldn’t defend him from the criminals trying to get me to give them access to the hospital drugs. They threatened the other doctor too, a navy seal, They killed his dog too. He told me ‘Ill take care of this’. My FBI friend laughing said the bodies washed up on shore and since they had so many people they’d hurt all we had was motive without evidence. We even thought of you but you’d left by then. ». He’d told me my life was threatened after the dog killing. The governor went to jail a year or two later. The good people got back into power. It’s been good since. I miss the good people. I hate corrupt government. I hate unethical leadership and I really hate hypocrisy. Hypocrisy was 2020.
2020 was hippocricy.
So today I took a nap.
I prayed . I meditated. I played with the dog. I wrote this. I think each time I journal the old wars and injuries they get less. The somebody did me wrong stories are the ‘hero’s passage’. Campbell described them. I am reading the autobiography of a famous Christian ships captain and learning how many times comrades and travelling companions betrayed him and stole all he had. It’s a coat of many colours tale.
I was thinking of the Prodigal Son tale and how everyone loves to give my money to the guy eating with the pigs but they don’t get that the Prodigal Son had to have that « botton’ that ‘rejection of his ego’, had to turn and head to the light and go home to the father. HE wasn’t paid to do drugs and wassn’t enabled. HE was rewarded when he made that shift. In motivation therapy and stages of changes we don’t give a million dollars of care to the ‘precontemplation’ or the ‘contemplation’ or the ‘determined’. We go overboard when the person is in the Action phase. That’s when the money needs to flow .But now there’s none. It was all given when the person was still enjoying pig slop. There’s no prodigal son heading into the ways of the pigs. It’s only when the man or woman stops crawling like a snake on his belly and tries to stand that you help.
I’m wasting my time and life talking to the wall. I’m a prophet in the wilderness. There’s money and power and reward in the guns and death and keeping people down. Give them cake.
Now I’ve got to walk the dog.
I’ve bitched and complained. I’m fasting from Social Media. I didn’t mind the advertisements and all the other bullshit that began, even having idiots tell me I was wrong when universities of education told me I was right and this little jerk ‘fact checker’ hadn’t done his homework. I even tool that and the abuse from the hired political trolls but when the censored the Presdient of the USA. When they actually said the leader of democracy can’t speak. It was bad when they insisted that cake shops celebrate homosexual love rather than give the cake business to a homosexual. All this arrogance and social programming is Nazi and Communist and not like a democracy. All the censorship of Anti semiticism laws and Islamaphobic laws and Hate speech laws was bad really bad , just like the censorship of Little Sisters, but the censor the leader of democracy. Who the fuck do you think you are? You are a pig in the trough. You are the enemy of a free nation. Even I wouldn’t tell a national leader to shut up. I’d call Trudeau a demon and say he is an idiot but I’d defend his right to speak because I’d know that if I told the leader of 60 % of the nations of the world ruled by dictators to shut up,. I’m not going to let you speak to the millions of people who come to my store to hear you speak. Well Xi Jinping would make that asshole missing. Dorsey you are a stinking dink.
So I quit twitter. I thought what the hell am I doing shopping in Dorsey world. This guy is a bully and a thug. Then I thought I didn’t like all the FB censorship and bullying and Zuckerberg’s lying and abuse and stupidity. They were as low as Nestle’s that killed all the black babies knowingly.
I didn’t like being exposed to the crimes of Bill Gates and his white washing his crimes. He’d not developed Microsoft. He stole the technology and played the monopoly game. His vaccine made a half billion coloured girls infertile and his proxies called everyone else a racist . He was part of the evil UN cabal of Agenda 21 and Davos 2030 who wanted 5 billion people dead with the One World Order leadership. Hearing how he attacked his partner who was dying of cancer is just too reprehensible. Then he bought a marketing firm to spin him to a nice guy. Like Trudeau paying off the girl and her family to shut up about his hatred of adult women and his issues with his wildly impaired mother.
I wished I’d left before they killed my dog.
Now I’ve got a puppy and I’m afraid again. This government is as low as Zuckerberg and Xi Jinping and Hitler and all the cannibals and pedophiles. I’m just a healer. I’m a doctor. I’m old. I’m ready to die but my puppy wants me. My family and friends will take care of him. But I’ve no protection from the police or government. They tried to assasinate the president. They had the Communist Chinese Army over and over again on Canadian soil ordering about Canadian soldiers and learning the tactics and strategies of our NATO allies. Its okay to march in a political rally shoulder to shoulder and kneel in a crowd but it’s not okay for me to go to church , wearing a mask and sitting as far away from everyone. I can’t fly or travel but half the government is out partying. The sick rich of Wuhan are flying in to use our hospitals and doctors and nurses but not one is being paid for that. All the money I was promised was sent to gender clinics in Pakistan. I watch nurses making masks. I see surgeons saving on threads. I see luxury offices for administration but the doctors are using 1950’s lights. I left the hospital. I work in the community. I had to learn computers and buy all this tech and work from home because there was no tech support. There was no government services for me or my patients. They didn’t lose money. i only get paid if I work. Half my patients who are working and leading they are the same. Bankruptcies and poverty while government got paid and gave them self billions in raises. Raises. Raises. I didn’t get paid more. I struggled on but am grateful I was able to work from home.
I’d already acquired TB working for the university and government and natives who now say they hate whites. I’m freckled. Does’t pigment count. I didn’t so much care about getting that horrible disease serving and healing but the treatment I took for a year caused me to be deaf and I’m having trouble hearing and I’m sad about that. There’s no compensation for doctors who serve. The money all goes to the salaried administrative people. I’m an outsider. I refused to stand by and watch the killing. I stayed on the street. Where the people had a target for their wrath. They threatened me not because of what I was doing but because they can’t attack the government and the government doctors a million miles from the front. I’m a soldier. I ‘m just serving. The people who make the decisions and drop the bombs and create the diseases and withhold the treatment they don’t come out of their basements. They have a million body guards and private jets and they talk shit but they live like every sultan before them. Elites. Hypocricy.
I bitch and complain. Some days I just write gratitude lists. It’s a journal. I thought I would share my thoughts because 30 years of listening to peoples thoughts taught me that as crazy as my own were they weren’t as crazy as the people who thought they were sane and fine. The people who question themselves and wonder about their thinking and seek help are not psychopaths. I’ve listened to enough psychopaths and they don’t just bitch and complain. They conspire to kill their neighbours children. They scheme for revenge and mostly they don’t share what they’re thinking because they think they are superior to everyone. They don’t feel the same as I do. They think really clever and they have a pack who agree with them. They go in gangs usually. Tribes and gangs.
I feel alone. I’m a typical Canadian in that way. Nuclear families. Relatively separated , respectful of space. If my family called I’d go kill for them but I’m not going to be close unless I’m needed. We’re northerners and very different from southerners we are comfortable in our own space. We dont’ particularly like crowds and don’t like the soap opera world.
My best friends like being out camping and fishing, hunting and boating, going to the cottage, barbecuing in the back yard. They like small gatherings. I liked sitting with Peter Seegers and Arlo Guthrie and a half dozen others listening to them sing and play on the grass. I loved Paul McCartney in the huge stadium sitting in the front row or even hearing Fleetwood Mac at the back of a huge stadium. It was an experience. But I loved best Down Child Blues playing in a room in the YMCA or Jim Donahue playing a Dylan or Donavan song there. I loved Guess Who playing our high school dance . I like the smaller things. I liked KD Lang in a country bar. It was crazy being on stage dancing behind Led Zeppelin but nothing beats the after dinner concert by the principle violinist of the Moscow Symphony and San Francisco symphony, this mother and daughter concert in an apartment with just the 6 of us. And they wouldn’t let me help with washing the dishes. I have a blessed life, meeting Nobel Prize Winners, my friend a Rhodes Scholar, my other friends competing in the olympics. I’ve been truly blessed to know people. The Congressman and Senator I know and their families are the finest humans in the world. I loved dinners with the university Chancellors. I was the 4th assistant to Canada’s foremost neurosurgeon. I saw Sputnik. I loved the Geosesick Dome. My friend knew Buckminster Fuller. I talked to all these world leaders. I m most at home with my dog.
Most of my friends, world renowned artists and scientists and generals and colonels love mostly being with their families. It’s funny how that is. I love watching my Colonel friend Kibbitzing with his General friend . I loved lunching with the Texas Supreme Court judge. Week after week sitting with this incredibly wise man, listening to him, getting to ask him questions , laughing at jokes together. I’ve known beaautiful women whose beauty was so bold it stopped my heart when I saw it. I’ve had the greatest of teachers, men and women and known the profound love of family.
I’ve been blessed and have so much growing to do. I put the television in the closet the decades I studied medicine and psychiatry. I didn’t have a television when i was becoming a blue water sailor learning navigation and deiesel mechanics. I rarely read anything but theology the years I studied for my my masters degree taking courses after days of work for years in the evening. I think of myself as lazy because the men and women I most admire are so much more disciplined. The parents I love have sacrificed so much for their children. They’ve worked at soul destroying jobs to pay for their children’ s food and clothing. Everyone has a story.
I loved listening to stories when I was first delivering babies. I loved the first time I looked in an electron microscope.
There’s a great expanse of life and the world and spirit outside of social media. it’s reductionist and makes things black and white and digital. it’s hard on the mind. I am entertained by new learning all the time but know the limits of communication across the range of media. Depending on Ham Radio on the high seas or talking a nurse through stopping a man seizure ing the arctic or guiding a ship’s captain delivering a baby through a SSB and translator.
I find it too easy to think of the doctor saying if I swear again and a patient complains I said ‘fuck’ he’ll take my license and kick me out of medicine. I remember being expelled from high school for saying ‘fuck’. I’d written a song called ‘hey man what a fuck up’. The English teacher said it wasn’t poetry because it « didn’t ‘even rhyme’.
« We’re going to beat you boy because men dont wear long hair. ‘ I jumped out the moving car and ran before these 4 older white guys with baseball bats in the middle of nowhere through corn fields.
‘Whitey you have never known the dangers I have known. You all are rich and safe and beat on us. You’re all pricks and just see us as all the same. You’ve never known hunger or had to really work for a living. .
The number of times I ‘ve heard that from some tribal person identifying with their group and thinking I’m a group and me remembering how hungry I was when I didn’t have food, when I was young, before I learned to fast and didn’t eat and meditated and prayed and saved my money for books and gave blood to get a stethoscope.’
I’ve had a good life. A prodigal son. I’’ve never not worked though. I’ve done other things. But I’ve had a lot of interests. I love the focus of Canada’s foremost astronaut. He wrote an autobiography and played guitar in space. I gave his life of discipline as gifts to folk. The violinist who played for me practiced all the time. When I lived one summer with the bass player for the Hollies, he’d filled in , went on to play with more famous bands but that was what I knew him then for, he played 12 hours a day 7 days a week. I love that dedication.
Now people who hate work and hate workers want all the rewards and they don’t even know not to bite to hand who feeds or not to shit where you eat. I don’t like it. I mostly don’t like the elite who support them. Who own the pig troughs and claim to want to help them walk but really like slaves. Hippocracy.
I have a day off.
I have to walk have a shower, dress , walk the dog, pick up mail , go to a clinic to drop off mail, buy a gift. Not much to do. Not a heavy schedule but with covid it’s surprisingly demanding. I didn’t have hydro or electricity or internet or computers or files for patients from 4 pm to midnight last night. I ran a generator and had propane heat and carried a flashlight. I had to go out and get gas for the generator. It was a surprise. Every day there’s unpredictable things these days. Every task is harder with masses and soaps and attitudes and the palpable fear expressed as anger.
I’m starting a new year.
A new day.
I have to pray more.
I’ve actually got through half of the hardest part of a puppy. He’s actually listening. He’s peeing and pooping 95% of the time on his pee and poop pads. He’s accepting when I say no he can’t eat my shoes or me. He’s still a pest. But I love him. I missed my old dog, so well behaved, such a great gentleman with such and big heart and so many skills. If we can keep this guy safe there’s hope too.
He’s just a commodity to the consumers. Training a dog or child takes hours and years. Government just wastes them with wars and disease. I am learning to love.
Little Prince is the best book on love.
The rose.
Must go
Thank you God for all your blessings. Thank you for this new day.
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