Rainy Day Work

I had a great weekend getting the Camper out, running the quad and sighting in the guns.  Nice visit with the Kevin and Anna and the God kids in Boston Bar. Then I drove down to Cedar Creek and spent a night in Sunshine Valley.  Monday I put everything back in storage and returned.

There was an awful smell in the RV which the Merry Maid cleaning ladies yesterday found was coming from the heating vent as water was pooling beneath it. It turned out that that the outlet valve had been closed and backed up worse when I ran the washing machine.  Now it’s better. I’ve cleaned up and again have the vents open and am airing. It helped that the cleaning ladies cleaned the place. I’d left it a mess when I went hunting.

Unfortunately the cleaning ladies were delayed so they didn’t finish till 7 and I missed my men’s meeting.

I did start my Oxford course and read the intro material.  I have to do 10 hours a week

There’s a medical legal report that needs doing as wel.

I’m working an extra day this week to make up taking Monday off at the last minute.

I’ve paid $1700 for the survey of the GIRI to be able to continue insurance.  I’ve had it for sale but only low ball offers and with the insurance I’ll be able to procrastinate sale.  Right now I’m working 3/4 time so money just seems to go to the Trudeau tax machine.  It’s discouraging considering what Trudeau, Singh and Freeland are doing.  Trudea and Freeland really do looking impaired at times.  They call his private plane, the ‚cokemobile and Hunter apparently left coke in the White House.  I’d like to see them all drug tested. 

Meanwhile I’m still considering my relationship with God.

Fundamentally as Buber says there’s I AND YOU.  I am not God so that leaves the other as God in the dichotomy. 

I’ve finished Andrew Marr’s History of the World and am listening to the audiobook a Brief History of the Earth by geology Andrew Knoll.  

I’ve had spring sexual feelings and wonder if it’s lust or direction.

Laura hasn’t apologized for her behaviour so continues to act as an ‚untreated al anon and unchristian.  She’s God.  I listen to mentors and hear the issue of those who ‚blame and don’t accept accountability. I realize she’’s always done the feminist things of being the victim in jargon.  I don’t have such a ticket.  My friends say ‚get down of the cross we can use the wood. Canadian women collectively have accepted the ‚victim’ role to major advantage and perpetuated the weak men with their divide and conquer strategies.  If it’s good I did it. If it’s bad I don’t know.  Determinism and Free Will Canadian style. I certainly miss her.  I feel like I’m just an accessory though and realize that self love is central to sobriety, boundaries, and safety.  I probably wouldn’t care if I didnt have such pain and disability and realize no one really cares and that we die alone and are born alone.  Then it have to address expectations which are preformed resentments and the whole issue of here and now and that its a caregiver thing and the question of reciprocity and whose going to be there when there’s a barn raising.  I miss the simplicity of prairie community and the advanced culture. I certainly don’t like Trudeau’s lack of culture.  I don’t know really but am afraid.

Right now the cost of living is affecting everyone and I’m sometimes aware that I’m without pension and without house and without children or family. I could be anxious but I have my dog.  He’s the best excuse for living.  I’ve myself as the first baby of my existence.  My body and my consciousnesses.  I have chronic back pain and increasing fragility.  Deafness, tremors, unsteadiness.,

Mostly I don’t exercise enough.  Mostly I’m rather lazy.  I do like the couch, tv and dinner and ice cream times with the dog.  Finished the pizza I ordered a couple of nights back.  I even had the casesar salad.

I manage.  One day at a time.

This prehistory course of religion and rites is a challenge. I’m reading another book called Prehistory

Each day is better when the sun is shining. Right now it’s raining but I’ve walked the dog once around the park and towelled him off. 

God is good all of the time . I know that God is love and not god is fear.  The issue of absence , the devil turning his back on the light.  Worrying is wicked.  Yet I don’t know and do the next right thing.  I do enjoy riding my motorcycle. I’m a bit stymied by the idea of driving to Napanee but don’t see driving to California so daunting. 

Sunshine Valley

I love the civilization of Sunshine Valley RV park.  It’s so well run.  Pools and hot tubs.  Best quadding and enduro biking near Vancouver. 

When the trail I’d planned to take in Boston Bar was covered in boulders from an avalanche I decided to head down to Hope.  I first tried the Silver Lake Skagit area off the Flood Hope Road. It really looked like prime hear country and lots of quadding trails and logging roads .  The initial stretch was a bit scarey with all manner of ruined RV. This was either an old RV tent town or a place where people left their Rv’s for junk.  Not my kind of place.  Too post apocalypse.  It was a whole lot nicer down by Silver Lake.  Unfortunately the camp grounds in the area are still closed.  I almost stayed on the side of the road near there.  I could have but it was raining and muddy and I thought I’d rather be spoiled here with electricity and water and waste disposal.  I might use the hot tub later.

Madigan and I set up quickly.  The Starlink worked here.  There’d been too many trees last night so I was pleased to see that the Starlink was fine. I watched the latest episode of Startrek Discovery.  Michael et al.  Not at all James Kirk or Picard but futuristic relationships if a bit too much soap opera talk.  I can’t fault a Star Trek. They’re as holy as OO7.  I keep hoping for another Pink P:anther.  

It was sunny then so after watching one episode I unloaded the quad and piled on the guns.  My Ruger 3006 and the Winchester Model 70 300.  It was great riding out on the quad along the river. Beautiful views.  Serenity.  I’d enjoyed my Honda Rancher up in Boston Bar till the trail was obstructed.  There was more likelihood of bear up there but this was truly picturesque. I’ve come here a few times and in the summer and fall it’s grand central station for quads.  Can’t imagine any game in that mad world.  Fun quadding though.

Now I just enjoyed the serenity.  Only a few people here.  Didn’t meet another quad.  I loved that when I put up my target at 100 yards I hit the bulls eye first shot. I’d shot a couple of times at a can and missed that so expect that warmed up the barrel.  The target was the size of bears head at a hundred yards so I figured I’d be good for a heart or head shot at lesss than that.  The Ruger is always on and I put two shots side by side on the target. I’d decided I want to you the Coyote Light if I did see a bear.  Madigan had a great time running about off leash.  He loves riding on the quad.  Further on though it began to snow. The trail became packed with snow I figured I needed an transformer snowmobile quad.  I turned around .  It was a good outing.  

Now I’m boiling potatoes and about to barbecue steaks for the great hunting dog and me.  I felt good knowing that Kevin and Anna have told me they would come out and help me if I shot something and couldn’t get it out.  I’m not as well balanced on my feet as I was in the day when I was called ‚billygoat. It’s the slippery logs that get me and my reduced stamina. Kevin was nice saying he didn’t know many guys still big game hunting at my age.  I took that as a compliment.  He’s hiking miles in the woods with his children but I’m pretty much a quad hunter now. I do some walking and am trying to build it up.  I can walk fine on flats but the slippery uneven of bush scares me now. I just wouldn’t want to sprain or break anything .   Funny that considering I used to run down the sides of mountains carrying deer over my shoulders.  Not any more.  Today was just great as it was.

I am grateful that Madigan and I are safe and can still enjoy the hunt.  

Alpine Canyon RV Park, Boston Bar

Well, it’s bear season. I have actually got organized and am out here in the woods. Took all day yesterday to get here.  I am at the beautiful Alpine Canyon RV Camp site 2 miles north of Boston Bar. Was here last summer.  The trees are so serene here.  Incredibly peaceful and spiritual.  I enjoyed coming here last summer.  Stopped here several times in the past. Even left the RV here for weeks so we’d just come up on the weekend without any need for set up.  Love it.

Now I’ve had a great night. I love the trees.  Great dreams.  Love my camper.  Great sleep. Great dreams.  Madigan really happy here.  I was up at 6 and out on the quad with the guns at 7 am.  Unfortunately Ainsley Road is closed and an avalanche has put too many big rocks on the trail.  I could still walk it and probably with some more work I could get sufficinct trail width to get through the bottleneck.  But as usual these years I decided it was too much work for me and instead turned around and came back to camp.  Coffee time.  I’d done an hour of hunting though had packed lunch and expected to ber out all day.  That trail leads over the mountain. In the next valley in the past I’d seen deer and bear.  I can get into that valley by a road south of Boston Bar but I’ve decided I’d rather have coffee and read a book.  It’s warming up and I have the lawnchair outside.

I talked with a couple of young guys who were out bear hunting with their truck.  Nice guys.  Joking about the raven letting the bear known where all the hunters are.  

I texted Laura who is dog and house sitting.  She used to enjoy camping here with us.  It was one of her favourite spots because of the canopy of trees.

I’m unable to connect with Starlink and forgot to get the password for the RV park wifi. I’ll do that in a bit.  My Starlink is working a bit but too many obstructions for streaming.  Texting is fine. 

Sunday in northern paradise

I woke at 1 am to pee then went back to sleep till 7 am,  Nice positive dreams and deep healing sleep. It was raining when I went to bed about 10 am.  No leakage so Murray did a good job with the sealant. He fixed the leak and I did my bit to prevent further leaks by improving the top seals.  I confess I touch the ceiling several times through the night and was happy no wet,  I kick myself a bit as I could have dealt with the problem immediately the first day on the Oregon coast rather than waiting days to tarp it when I got home.  I must be on top of these things immediately.  My tendency is to procrastinate.  

I feel overwhelmed a lot.  Working full time each day.  It’s half time compared to a decade ago but it’s full time by normal standards. Now I’ve been asked for reports and for me to work on the weekend.

I’m camping here, I went out to look for bear yesterday but the Ainsley Road avalanche area was worse than it was a decade ago when I was last here. I think it helpedmy back  to lift rocks and move boulders aside but still I feared getting wedged in  and wondered about returning. It’s one things to clear a path going up a hill but it’s a different thing coming down the same path.  I don’t have the strength, agility or stamina of a few years ago so worried I was taking unnecessary risks.  

Now I’m here in heaven. I spent yesterday reading and hanging out.

 I finished the amazing Kokoda Track book about the Australian militia in Papa New Guinea  holding back the overland attack by the Japanese aimed at taking Port Moresby’s.  Waves after waves of bonsai.  6 to 1 odds again the Aussies.  They went in with 500 and came out with 150.  So many dead.  The jungle killed with diseases typhus, malaria and infections,  Wounded had to be carried out days on stretches over the worst trail possible.  Unbelievably devastating terrain for the Aussies and the Japs.  Always problems of resupply of food and ammunition,  General Blamey and General MacArthur didn’t look good while other leaders were more respected by the men,  Extraordinary story,  7 Bonazai attacks, 100 at a time, culminating in bayonet and hand to hand combat days and nights on end .  Truly grueling,  Months of this.  Truly extraordinary combat at the grimmest.  Remarkable .

I’m up and considering moving to a different site. I don’t have Starlink here due to the trees.  I have nowhere now I can head out on my quad.  I am always happy heading back. I can’t put my camper away till tomorrow so today could be another read day or a travel day.  I feel lazy.  I have to be back at work Monday and start my course this week as well as have several calls to make and a report to do.  

This camper is a mess right now. Hunting does that. I’ve got gear unpacked and spread out.  If I was just travelling without pulling the trailer and quad I’d have an easier time packing and unpacking. I’ve not taken the camper off the truck so that’s an easy transition. It’s the tarp on the quad that’s a bit of a nuisance but I don’t really need that till I get it back to storage. I can cut corners.  I just do the next thing. Right now that’s another cup of coffee.  Madigan is sleeping after coming out with me to look around this morning and smell.  There was a little drizzle off the trees but otherwise quite lovely.  Spring morning.  

The god kids and Kevin and Anna and Vader made a visit yesterday.  That was great . The kids are growing.  Billy and Bobby are little people while Alleck and Izak are big little people, Kendra was the most obviously taller.  She’s almost lanky.  It was fun to sit at the picnic table and chat about rifles and dogs.  Vader a bigger german shepherd type was bullying Madigan so I had to come to my little dog’s rescues.  They are both unneutered and Vader was growling so i put Madigan in the camper to protect him.  Poor little guy.  Vader then took off and ranged about the RV park with the kids.  Anna and Kevin and I talked . I wish I’d taken pictures of the kids and dogs. I wasn’t thinking. I’d been reading when they arrived and a bit dozy.  Kevin’s 308 is amazingly light.  „Like carrying a 22, „ he said.  Some kind of polymer stock. I showed him the weight of my 300 win mag Coyote by comparison,  I pretty well neeeded to have a gun carryeir for it and perhaps and elephant to ride on,.  He’d done a 15 km hike that morning with Kendra and Izek.  My 3006 Ruger isn’t light but I’m still able to hike with that but the 300 win mag is heavy. Kevin’s light weight rife was certainly what I would need if I wasn’t always on the quad these days. I really need to do more hiking but aches and pains have their own way of talking,  I rather like that I’ve got out and done all the callistentics needed to just get the gear loaded and the camper andd trailer and Rancher out here,  

I’m still active. I think of the feminine as more passive and this fixing, repair, hauling, hunting thing as more masculine and painful.  Reading about the men on Kokoda Trail was humbling. By contrast the”comfort women” the Japanese used service 30 men a day.  I like to read history to put the whining and complaining of today in perspective.  I noticed more women are aware that the feminists didn’t want to do what men needed to do but they want the power and rewards but not so much the work.  These are difficult political times and there’s fear and concern for the future.  Trudeau’s carbon tax and other corruption and weak man mismanagement of the country is unsettling. He calls himself a ‚feminist’ but collectively women are strugling as much as men with the housing costs and lack of jobs and general deterioration of the economy.  What gets me is that Mao and Lenin were such chauvinists like Trudeau but so many women prefer them,

Personally I am blessed. I’m here with my incredible dog companion, a wonderful camper and truck and cadillac problems.  Should I stay or head south so I can get out somewhere with my quad and get an evening hunt.  

Alpine Canyon RV Park, Boston Bar

Well, it’s bear season. I have actually got organized and am out here in the woods. Took all day yesterday to get here.  I am at the beautiful Alpine Canyon RV Camp site 2 miles north of Boston Bar. Was here last summer.  The trees are so serene here.  Incredibly peaceful and spiritual.  I enjoyed coming here last summer.  Stopped here several times in the past. Even left the RV here for weeks so we’d just come up on the weekend without any need for set up.  Love it.

Now I’ve had a great night. I love the trees.  Great dreams.  Love my camper.  Great sleep. Great dreams.  Madigan really happy here.  I was up at 6 and out on the quad with the guns at 7 am.  Unfortunately Ainsley Road is closed and an avalanche has put too many big rocks on the trail.  I could still walk it and probably with some more work I could get sufficinct trail width to get through the bottleneck.  But as usual these years I decided it was too much work for me and instead turned around and came back to camp.  Coffee time.  I’d done an hour of hunting though had packed lunch and expected to ber out all day.  That trail leads over the mountain. In the next valley in the past I’d seen deer and bear.  I can get into that valley by a road south of Boston Bar but I’ve decided I’d rather have coffee and read a book.  It’s warming up and I have the lawnchair outside.

I talked with a couple of young guys who were out bear hunting with their truck.  Nice guys.  Joking about the raven letting the bear known where all the hunters are.  

I texted Laura who is dog and house sitting.  She used to enjoy camping here with us.  It was one of her favourite spots because of the canopy of trees.

I’m unable to connect with Starlink and forgot to get the password for the RV park wifi. I’ll do that in a bit.  My Starlink is working a bit but too many obstructions for streaming.  Texting is fine. 

Harrison Tulip Festival

It was a great day for a Tulip Festival,  Sunshine blue sky and warm spring weather. I still bundled Madigan the cockapoo into his Canucks blue and green hockey sweater. I dressed in leathers thankful to Murray for finding my equestrian chaps when he worked on the storage locker the day before helping me apply silicone sealant to the camper.  It was a busy weekend and this ride to the Tulip Festival would top it off. I’d slept in so missed church but still we could enjoy God’s country and drink in the sensational vibrant explosion o spring tulip colours.  I think of it as surprise candy for the eyes or even LSD for the eyes.  It’s such a glorious uplifting experience each year I participate in the wonder.

This year I rode my Harley Nighster Spcial out past Port Moody on the number 7 road. It’s a great ride I’ve taken so many times. Lots of other bikers enjoying the sunshine and dry.  I love passing Ruskin where my good friend lived.  There’s the river and the smells of the saw mill.  The lakes have ducks and the gas stations on either side of the road bring back many memories.  I’d ridden my Buell Blast out this way to Harrisons and later took Laura on the back of my Harley Roadster for great weekends at the Hot Springs .  Sometimes we’d leave the bike in the big parking lot behind the Hotel and Spa or stay at the Beach hotel with the locked underground parking lot I felt safe leaving my Harley in.  Leathers and back packs and a weekend in the country with walks by the lake. Fabulous memories.

I enjoyed passing Harrison River and crossing the bridges into Agazziz.  I almost missed the Harrison Tulip Festival when I came down the hill.  It was suddenly there so I had to do a U turn and find the entrance. I’d thought it was more over by the town towards Rosedale.  Yet here it was a short way before the Harrison Lake and Agazziz turn off. 

I had to ride the bike on gravel and grass but the Nightster special was light enough to tolerate it well.  Parking was a problem because the stand sunk in the soft soil so I had to lean the front wheel against a fence post.  

Madigan had been a real trooper on the way out riding with his head out of the Harley Box , trying to look around my wind blocking body. I could watch him in my mirrors. Now he wanted out and quickly ran about the bike peeing on everything stretching his limbs and loving the freedom. When I’d packed my gear in the saddlebags I put a leash on him and headed to the entrance.  $20 for adults. $15 for seniors and pets welcome.  They had line ups for hot dogs , Greek food pouting but all I wanted was a coke. Then Madigan and I were among the tulips.  

Surrounded by colour.  What a blast of heaven!   The Mount Vernon tulip festival is much larger and the first I really enjoyed.  There are several farms so it was an adventure years ago when I first went, riding on the motorcycle to one tulip farm after another all within a dozen miles radius.  The first tulip festival I experienced was in my 20’s in Holland when it wasn’t a festival but just farms forever of tulips in their radiant splendour.   

This Harrison Tulip Festival was a joy for its proximity and for its location. The snowcapped mountain back drop was terrific for photos They’d also put out old tractors and cars around the field that kids and girls loved to have their pictures taken on, There were many beautiful women in frilly spring frocks with their daughters similarly attired for this fabulous photo op. It’s a family event and really multi ethnic.  The tulip festival really brings out the young families with the men glad to take pictures and walk with their wives and children about the rows of tulips.  Young romantic couples are definitely into selfies along with the laughing groups of teen girls.  I was the old guy with a dog and probably fit more with the single photographers out taking advantage of the photographers dream.  Such a spectacular setting and so many interesting people among glorious tulips.

Madigan and I mounted the Harley and headed back to the sitting making the mandatory Macdonald’s  burger top in Mission. He loves his Macdonald’s burger patty as long as I break it up for him. I was happy with the quarter pounder and cheese and thankful for the coffee. It’s essential to be alert and not day dreaming on a motorcycle. I ‘d started out at 1230 and was returning at 630.  A long day for me building up the stamina for motorcycling once again.  Madigan was a great partner enjoying jumping up onto the motorcycle after his burger stop.  He’d appreciate the water breaks too in the warm weather.  

It was good to arrive home.  He went straight to his water dish having had to use up his reserves piddling on everything to mark his new territory.  I put the tulip magnet on the fridge door and considered it a great day.  

Thank God for spring and the wonder of nature, 

Explanation

It’s decades ago now. You did the right thing, You told the truth.  You faced evil and you were noticed. You knew you’d touched something only because your life was threatened seriously , not just the calls at night though there were those. What was more significant were the false accusations and character assasiantions. Then the threats to family and friends.  I knew I was right by the reaction I caused.  It’s an involuted world, politics and power.  I was scared.  I was suitably impressed.

I decided then to be vulnerable. I had learned that money and power allowed you to write and rewrite history.  Leaders like Trudeau only get their position because of their pedophilic tendencies.  The leadership that is the ‘face’ of power only allow men and women with secrets and vulnerabilities to hold positions so that should they need to they will expose them with a picture of them have sex with little girls or animals or killing someone’s brother or wife.  It’s leverage.  I learned that back then.  I was still naive.  I didn’t realize I was a coward then.  

They threatened to abolish my mind. Really.  I could be disappeared.  That was clear but the discussion hinged on my losing my self if I continued.  

After I knew I had no defence but truth.  I opted for stream of consciousness.  I realized there were no secrets from “them’.  ‘They’ were the E.E. Cummings ‘them’.  They were the rulers of this world.  

I told the truth in the world of ‘relative’ truth, in the post rational , godless , uncultured world where language obcured meaning rather than clarifying.  I kept a record. It was a journal. I laughed quite recently when a very angry insane person told me that I was more insane than them as if they had a measure of more or less.  The dipstick had gone long ago. We were all on empty.  Spiritual bankruptcy.  Incomprehensible demoralization.  I chose God and Good and kept a record of the search amidst chaos and confusion.  It was an effort. It was a trail of bread crumbs. It was canaries in a tunnel.

I have books to write and these wanderings are exercises and scales.  I could do better.  I intermittently write something in meaningful prose. I once was only a poet.  I was even a journalist when it wasn’t a dirty word.  Before we learned that the Pulitzer Prize like other awards were messages from ‘them’.  E.E.Cummings was right like the author of civil disobedieance and Walden Pond. I would have liked to have stayed on my homestead. I miss the geese and chickens.

Tomorrow is a total eclipse of the sun day.  I’m thinking Carly Simon and love.  What message is this for me.  I met James Taylor and don’t know if he was on heroin or not.  A lot of writing now seems affected by the drug of the writer.  Parts of the bible. Prophets for sure.  I was just looking at Chumash Native cave paintings and reading of hallucinogens.  Veils and desire. Buddha and the Celts.  Influences of family and mitochondrial DNA.  What next shall we learn of ourselves from looking outside and past. The future is the desired effect.  Yet we all die. There’s comedy and tragedy in that. Denial of Death truly one of the greatest books of psychiatry.  

I spent days struggling to breathe.  A ‘cold’.  Friends of died of Covid and Age.  I have chinks in my armor of invulnerability.  Again the delirium scared me.  I couldn’t pray. I’d start a prayer and become distracted unable to remember the rest, memory and concentration stolen by fever and chills. Humility setting in big time.  

I am the bubble make me the sea.  The terror of the ego. The scream on the bridge.  I trust God and fear being alone in that moment.  

Now the sun rises in the morning.  I had my dog beside me. My neighbour Nicolina gave me chicken noodle soup.  Laura walked Madigan and laughed.  Dr. Ready adjusted my back too long in bed.  

It’s all self indulgences.  Mental wanking as the Aussie’s would say.

I like to squeeze the pus out of my brain.  It clears the cobwebs from the attic and lets the bats fly free.  

I’m still very tired.  But I’m tasting coffee and that’s a blessing like all the blessings. Thank you Jesus.  

Sick

I enjoyed the conference at the Vancouver Convention Centre, seeing old friends, remembering nostalgically those not there, decades of such conferences until Covid.  This was my first and it really was good.  

Sunday morning I was at St. Barnabus.  My throat was sore .  It was hard to swallow.  I enjoyed the walk on the Quayside New Westminster.  Oysters and Clam Chowder.  The next day I felt like something was torn inside when I swallowed.  Tuesday I only made it through the morning asking staff to cancel. I had laryngitis for sure.  I simply can’t work with laryngitis.  The fever and chills came in the afternoon. I don’t like chills. For two days I didn’t think I’d ever get warm.

The nights were worse.  Up on the hour I couldn’t sleep, such fatigue, coughing and miserable.  My mind wasn’t working. I could hardly pray,  I tried watching tv.  I couldn’t focus. Reading a book was out.

I was still walking Madigan 3-4 times a day. He’d poop each day and I’d get back to bed. I relished the electric blanket.  I made a trip out for propane, keeping my place jungle hot while feeling chilled.

In the wee hours I was talking to Jesus. I hurt all over. I have chronic pain but this was such that I couldn’t find any position of relief and I’d taken a handful mix of acetaminophen, ibuprofen and ASA.  I was drinking all the fluid I could.  Feed a cold water a flu. I didn’t know what I had .  Food had no appeal but I shared roast chicken with Madigan and ordered in Chinese and PHO.  I couldn’t finish anything. I’d have no appetite.  No taste. I just did what I knew I must.  There was even a point there when I was dry heaving over the toilet.

In the wee hours of the night I talked to Jesus.  I thought of him on the cross and was humbled .  I’d have given up the names of family to torturers in very little time at all.  No judgement of tv and such but I really know I don’t have what it takes. Maybe when I was young. I’m old.  Pneumonia is the old man’s friend. I asked my god my god why hasn’t thou forsaken me.  I was weeping and it was just the fatigue and sadness and maybe some guilt and shame. I’ve had a good life , an adventure, I’ve served, but I’ve fallen fall short of what I could have been or could have done. I imagined I could have been a better man, especially to the wives, even my mother, or my father, or my mentors. I feel in the end I’ve let everyone down, not in great ways , nothing sinister, but like my report cards always said, “Billy could be so good if he put his mind to it.”  I didn’t feel my mind was helping then. I was in pain and feverish and chills and maybe a bit delirious.  I thought I was dying. I thought this is it. I was talking to Jesus.  Then Madigan would cuddle up beside me.  And somehow I’d wake in the morning and enjoy the s

I had some Zithromax and began that on Thursday.  I think it was all viral but the psychology of antibiotics gave me a break.  The razor sharp pain of swallowing stopped.  Green phlegm began and the cough now wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t sleep. No desire to sleep but no relief.  Fatigue. Utter fatigue.

I was up on Friday. Weak. I’d not slept much but 4x a day for a half hour I’d walked Madigan. I’d driven the car to get us food a couple of times. It seemed like weeks had passed in what was really only a couple of day.  Wednesday and Thursday were really bad but Friday I listened to an on line meeting. I drank more soup and believed  I was out of it though the cough persisted, a dry could, annoying.  I was past infectious.  You’re most infectious early not late.  

I was thankful that I slept that morning and showering made it to the chiropractor.  The pain in my pain which is a curse was relieved.  I met Laura because I felt guilty providing so little to madigan.  I’d taken him to the off leashe dog park but the minimum. He was a trooper. A good little nurse.  Observant. Caring. I liked watching Laura walking him. He loves her and she is fun for him. He smiles, I smiled.  I knew I was going to live that morning. Friday it was fairly certain. There was only a 12 hour stretch it was uncertain. I couldn’t get air in for a bit, like a scuba dive accident.  I hate not being able to breath.  The old TB. All the colds and respiratory infections.  Friends dying of Covid.  Letting the old die of flu and pneumonia.  I worked a country gp and did my share of hospice.  Breath is important.  Looking back I can’t believe I smoked that decade.  But then I drank back then too never knowing I’d live this long. People shooting at me.  Planes crashing,  Cars and motorcycles doing pirouette’s in the air.  I’m lucky to be alive. People always called me lucky,

I feel blessed.  I only saw one set of foot steps in the sand that night.  It’s often that way.  God was with me.  I am blessed.  God is good all of the time.  Today I’m thankful.  

My neighbour has just brought me hot soup. So I’ll stop and feel the grace.

Thank you.  I’m glad to be alive.