Good Morning, Another Day, Thank you Jesus

I woke to the wonder and joy of Lauran and Madigan in bed beside me. I changed the propane tanks last night so the heat was true coupled with the electric furnace and the electric blanket.  Walking Madigan last night in the early darkness I met Peter and Bella and Luka and he said “just a few more sleeps”.  We both were wearing parkas.  He heads south each year Boxing Day.  His mother is here.  I’m leaving in a couple of weeks. When I dropped off the Mini at John’s in Chilliwack thanks to Laura driving it there while I drove the truck, he said, “already a couple of fellows have headed south with their RV’s and families.”  He was pointing to the mountains where there’d been snow already. There was a late fall crispness in the air and he was expecting snow. I liked the holiday spirit it the mall when I stopped to pick up my mail. It might have been Black Friday frenzy but it was the Christmas decorations, the tree and tinsels that caught my attention.  A beautiful young woman in cashmere sweater and camel skirt was posing for her girlfriend to take pictures of her in front of the tree.  

I’m drinking coffee. What’s new.  Laura gave me Irish Breakfast Tea which I drink in the afternoon. It’s past 7. I woke at 6.  There’s a WDIR Zoom meeting this morning at 9.  That solves the ‘do I or do I not get up to go to church’ debate. I didn’t make it last week.  Slept in. This week I’m up for the doctors spirituality meeting.  There’s frost on the roof of the building I see from my window.

It’s wonderful when Laura is here.  My buddy.  I share a bond and love is in the air.  I ‘m not alone. OF course Madigan is delighted that his ‘pack’ has expanded by another. He has two to get treats from and two to get pets from.  We walked as three yesterday.  He liked the off leash dog park.  We had a&w onion rings and burgers.  

At hom yesterday I finished The Last Crossing by Guy Vanderhaege.  It was a great read, brilliantly written. After I finished I wasn’t surprised to learn he was an English professor and had received many awards for his exquisite writing and well crafted works.  I ordered another then began the latest in Sharpes books.  Simpler reads,,  I ate a delicious dish of macaroni and cheese after several nights of barbecue steaks.  A mixed diet.  I ‘d be enjoying genre reading like the fast paced detectives and thrillers. The Saigon historical fiction was a great read. I’m rather blessed to be finding new authors and having much enjoyment in reading when I supposed I should be writing my own stories to contribute. I bought the last of the trilogy of the Englihhman’s boy and saw there was 2023 book I must order too.  

We watched a couple of scie fi last night…..The Creator was a bit like Avatar , interesting AI and Cambodia like scenery, jungles and such with markets and mix of ancient and modern. I wondered about the anti American message. Mostly Anti American Army. I’m not sure if they distinguish Ameriaa and the global Military Industrial complex as they tend to be pro communist.  There’s a market in China for the anti Americanism.  Yet the American and Chinese and Iranian and Russians are all in the killing game.  Singing give peace a change in Canada is only going to help the war mongers in Ukraine and Russia, Israel and Palestine and Saudi and Yemen and China and India.  

I don’t like the Buddhist Hindu Asian religious components in these movies that miss the ‘servant king’ nature of Jesus.  Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims and Aetheist communists as well as pagan and Christians have all been at war. it’s the polarization and dichotomies that are lost.  Cohen’s There is a war would  or Dylan’s you have to serve someone fly right over the  heads of communists and Muslims and Buddhist but I’d hope a Christian and Jew might sniff the meaning.  Whom am I to say in all arrogance and humility. Yet the movie had that sense.

The other was Hypnotics with Ben Affleck and a good watch indeed.  Less idealism and more home grown answer to the control freaks.  Both anti military industrial control freaks. I was saying to Laura that administration and Politics seems to have grown little in the last hundreds of year, law is still as backward, meanwhile sciences and medicine advance in leaps and bounds.  We’re be monkeys with space ships soon.

Now it’s a new day and I ‘m blessed.  Asking god for guidance and recovery.  Asking God for presence and knowledge, truth and love and direction.  to Know and love god.

God is infinite, impersonal and personal, the sum of all upposites, the one and the zero , alpha and omega, omniscient, and omnipotential.  Pure mind and pure heart.  Within and without Creation.  Love.  But no the absence of Love for only I can not love god as God always love me. I feel like I’m Madigan to God.  Madigan is still fucking pillowsa nd tearing the blanker or sheet chewing on it in ecstasy, frustration or anxiety. Who knows. He looks at me weird when I tell him not to.  I’m unsure what God wantswhen I reject the wee small voice and have another chocolate bar.  

Health is an issue.  Trying to live well and exercise enough ,eat right and speak softly .  I would be3 th best version of myself.  I would be kind but don’t want to be so open minded the marbles fall out. I want to experience thee blis of the flow.  thank you god for synchronicity . thank you god for your fingerprints on my life.

thank you god for this new day and the pains and brushes and blank pages.

I love you God.  thank you.

Good Morning, God

I’m up.  I’ve showered. I’ve had a cup of coffee and a yogurt and a glass of orange juice. I ‘ve checked out facebook and it really is a circus out there. At least Jennifer Lawrence was entertaining with her looking into the PAC, political slush funding.  Joe Walsh sounded great on guitar.  I see friends are in Puerto Vallarta.

I message good morning to Laura. She messaged back she was in the bath.  She’s coming over to drive my car to Chilliwack. I’m driving the truck. The car will be stored there while I’m headed south. We ‘ll come back in the truck.  I’m bringing the camper back next week and the following week storing the fifth wheel RV and preparing to live and work from the camper in the coming weeks.  

It’s an adventure and expedition in a way.  That’s my perception yet so many are doing it.  Obviously not as many as are sitting in their living rooms reading magazines or watching tv.  I’ve travelled in so many ways but this is new.  Crossing the border with a self contained road vehicle home having already travelled with my liveaboard offshore sailing vessel.

I ask God what he wants from me. My work is useful. I’m contributing to my community. I’m on call for friends and family. Some might say I’m ‘pillar’ of the community today, certainly not of steel or stone but maybe made of wood.  I’m evidence.

I feel in a certain way I’m waiting in Heaven’s waiting room.  So many I’ve been close to have died in the last few years, my brother and two best friends, and good friends. There were sponsors and mentors who died too.  Dr. Phillip Ney had what sounds like it may have been a CVA.  88 years old. I thought he was 80 .  Then Bill Gyles passed. Vivian went before that .

My dad said all his friends had died.  He was in his 90’s when we talked about that.  You and your brother are all that are left.

I wonder about friendships. I have a steady flow through AA and Church and Work.

These days though I’m in the midst of gender dysphoria.  It went with a book called ‘black like me’ and a white man explored the life of a black man in the southern US>. Viva la Differenece. I’m really affected most by my lumbar thoracic spine. The instability of the lumbar spine and surprise episodes of excruciating pain when I move differently or twist or sneeze.  It’s made all I associate with ‘masculinity’ unreliable.  I’m becoming an invalided old man in my mind.  I assoviated men with ‘doing’and women with ‘being. I’d rather be an old lady than an old man at this point.  I could as easily dress as a clown or a cheetah and get the reactions.  Personally at home I’m comfortable in a sarong or shift. I loved living in the tropics in t shirt and shorts.  So I find novelty and interest in this direction.  There’s a line that goes back years certainly tied to the abuse and anti male attacks by female psychopaths supported by the authorities.  I identify with Turing and the State.  The State is quite evil now. Steal a little and they put you in jail. Steal a lot and they make you king.  The Importation of scab labour of so many who have live ‘pre Magna Carta’, pre French Revolution,  Pre American Revolution, pre Sexual Revolutions, pre Civil Rights movement. We’re regressing with the chauvinist pig leader to a bastardization of Canada. I try to help the depressed and anxious but so many would simply not be that if it were not for the government mis management, lying media and government and the increasingly cost of living.  I’m doing okay but all around me others struggle.  I don’t want to think about the future. Trudeau hates the elderly becaus only pretty silly girls would vote for him. I figure if you van’s beat that mind set, then join it. Be a silly girl. 

The wise mothers are something else.

But then I was attacked by psychopathic female lawyer who lied and stole and were supported by the authorities who pay terrorists 10 million dollars.

The fact is I’m tired.  I’ve worked all my life and watched slackers, theives , psychopaths, sociopaths . Liars be rewarded.

I see this as cognitive distortion and the selection bias of my comparisons. 

But I am tired. Physically and soul tired sometimes not with Israel and Palestine gun sales or Russia Ukraine gun and ammunition market but the censorship of the evil twirl Justin Trudeau and the evil of the UN dictators club and the Klaus Schwab Epstein list private jet crowd.  

I’m looking forward to lying in the sun taking estrogen and watching my breasts grow and my skin become smooth and hopefully feel my back heal.

I’m also anxious about breathing since my near death experience unable to get air with what was mostly likely a Covid Flu thing after the polluted air of Delhi.  In Mumbai I was so sick and yet since then I’ve had a URI and survived.  I’m afraid.  I don’t like being afraid.  I’ve known fear facing guns and knives, chased by bears, in hurricanes at sea and freezing on the tundra. I want comfort and no longer want to ‘fight’ I’ve fought so many battles and rescued so many people from bullies and lies. I just want to heal and recover.  I’m happy advising re medication.  I’m happy to make diagnosis and advise but I’m not willing to engage negative transference or work through denial or pre contemplation issues.  I’m coasting and remember I did all the heavy lifting and also remember how the girls didn’ think twice about taking the light lifting work leaving the heavy lifting to guys like me and then calling us ‘toxic masculinity’.  I’m a switch hitter. Maybe if I could have had the moral or ethical nature to have a couple of girlfriends or a wife and a mistress but I’ve accommodated all their covert and passive aggression and blame and if that’s the victim, I’ll take being the victim.  If rape is inevitable best bend over and think pleasant thoughts. I was raped and I was brutalized when I complained. Some animals are more equal than other animals. I was punished when I did good. I learned that the bad guys are in nests and that the government is infiltrated by communists and traitors. I’ve lost my nativity. I’d like to be blond in camouflage. I guess being a monk comes next but I think I’m too young to do the monk thing. I checked out Meteora and Cappadocea but would take a space flight to a Mars Monastery in an instant.

I am really blessed. A great sleep in a warm bed with the warm body of my dog buddy beside me.  Terrific dreams of collegiates and university.  I once dreadmed of academia and thought it would be an award of long service but see it’s just another business.  I’d like to find a dog friendly library and write. I liked last writing in Ireland on the street while Laura shopped. I like writing and drinking coffee.  Commercial street. But I need a study space to write the books. I need stability. That’s the next ‘project’ but now I’m prepareing for another adventure. The trip south.

 

I’m trying to down load.  I took another bag to the Diabetes clothes bin and culled the storage locker some but it’s a week task with an assistant I think.  Next year. I want to learn to drive a heavier truck load too.  I would sell my boat or sail it south.  I’m happy working virtual with contact with clinics but would rather finish the books as well. 

Pacing.

It’s very good. I have food and space and so many blessings. God is good all the time. This is a great day. The air is crisp and we’re planning a drive to Chilliwack then a leisurely weekend.  Laura and Madigan.  

thank you Jesus for all your blessings. Guide me. Please. 

Autumn days, beautiful

I am working virtual from home today. Yesterday I was at the clinic, enjoying seeing, Karen, Ruby and Yoanna.  It’s a lovely place to work and I do enjoy the people.  I like working from home avoiding traffic and commutes and safer from the flu and covid that plague clinical space.  I’ve become anxious with older age since I couldn’t breathe so sick on return from Delhi.  These last years I’ve not had the weeks of URI that had caused such illness in the past.  I’m blessed really.  I used to overwork all the time and feel the strain to meet the demand, personally feeling responsible for the shortages of resources.  Now I’m pacing myself and doing what I can to be healthy.  Aging isn’t for the young.

I’m preparing for the trip south with only a few weeks to go.  I’m thankful for my Adventurer Camper, Ford 350, Starlink and my Macpro laptop, ipad and iPhone.  

A patient said I’d lost weight which has been my hope. My pants are loser and I’m eating more carrots than ice cream. I’m exercising walking the dog and more active.  

Madigan is a great companion. He’s taken to playing fetch in the home.  Late by my Scotty, Stuart’s standards.  He loves going to the clinic seeing Karen and Belinda who had cared for him while Laura and I were in Europe.  

I’m thankful for my teachers and mentors, so many passed. I’m looking forward to seeing family and friends and dogs and cats in Heaven.  I’m pleased to be here now. Life is an adventure.  

I’ve been taking stuff to the storage locker, cleaning up clutter to be ready to leave this place.  I realize it’s time to replace the couch and get a new smaller mattress. Maybe when I get back when I plan to do driver’s lessons. I’ve been thinking of an on line course from university but fluctuate in what I’d like to learn.  I’m up to date I think with my MOCOMP continuing education studies. I love to learn.  History fascinates me .Loved watching the Promise about the Armenian massacre.  Just read Grey’s Saigon, historical fiction like Michener, all of whose books I once read.

It’s a beautiful day. I’ll have to get up and walk Madigan, taking out the garbage before this virtual clinic day begins.  

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Thank you Holy Spirit.

Mid November, Carrying on

I’m pleased to say I woke up today.  I gave thanks. I crawled out of bed.  I have now meditated and prayed .  I’ve coffee. The day has begun. thee is light and blue sky.  I’ve a few errands.  Some work I can do.  A meeting I can attend. A trip to the storage locker.  I’m in preparation phase and anticipation.  I live to be in the present with the Lord but I confess I’m a few weeks ahead on holiday.  I’m dealing with a myriad of details in bits and spurts.  It’s falling together.  So many moving parts.  I do the next right thing.  Baby steps. One foot after another. It’s not like I’ll be 30 days away. I’ve a 4 day road trip.  I’ve done it before though now I’ll be carrying a motorcycle and a camper. I’m looking forward to places I know a long the way, especially the coastal highway.  I sailed that coast and it carries memories looking in and looking out.

I exercised remembering my father in his 80’s exercising each morning.  I think he did more than I do.  I often minimize now. Thankfully I have the dog to walk.  I let him out for a pee.

I’m reading Col. Hatfield second book in his Apollo Murder Series and enjoying it like I did the first.  I feel guilty I’m not writing my own books three are on the way but I’ve been distracted.

I’ve reached out to Loyalist Cove again.  A year ago I asked them to recommend a broker and I spoke to Grant but he was going to see the boat and didn’t get back to me. Now when I asked the insurer to insure it for the new year they asked for an up to date survey. I ‘ve spoken to Loyalist cove and they recommended Paul Esseld so I’ve left him a message asking him to survey the boat so I can insure and sell it.  I’m shedding skins.  

My back injuries have left me feeling fragile and though I know I could devote more time to exercising and stretching and strengthening I don’t see myself able to solo sail .  Some of it is age and weakness but actually I just don’t want to do it. I’m in a comfort seeking phase of life and even hunting seemed a bit rigorous. I ‘d rather wear a sun dress, or lie on the beach in the sun.  I like to drink coffee write and watch people. I think about travelling to Venice, Vienna and Berlin. I imagine Bangkok and Bali. I really am looking forward to Mexico again.  Mostly though I like what I’m doing and imagine once I do this camper trip I could easily tow the big rig south or just keep sun hunting with the camper. I love it here except in winter and it’s the ice I’m afraid of. I’ve this fear of slipping and falling because my back might not save me in a balancing act. It’s not true. I’m just a bit catastrophizing and hypochriachal but the fact is my back hurts with certain movements and strains so I’m enjoying less athletic endeavours and the cold.

I’m blessed with a home, heat, my buddy Madigan who is the best companion. I m going to read now and have another coffee.  

Friday, Remembrance Day Weekend

Dad was RCAF. It was important to him.  He connected with other men who’d done service the way mothers connect with other women.  Conversations occurred that weren’t for girls and boys.  Exclusive conversations because the children couldn’t understand. They’d judge and be offended.

I’m here today thankful for Dr. McCrae who wrote “In Flanders field between the rows the poppy’s grow’.  We recited that as children in school in rows with teachers leading.

I’m up early. I woke from pleasant dreams of marinas and mountains and friends. It was 5 am . I was able to get up and pee and get back to bed to snooze.  It was 6 when I rose. I’ve prayed , meditated and exercised the little bit I do each day. He’s run out for a pee and a sniff. Now I’m having coffee. I’ve collected the laundry to drop off since I have to pick up my dry cleaning. It’s the winter blue wool coat I bought at the Bay some years ago.  I’m going to the desert by I will appreciate this driving to and fro from the south.

I’m excited about the future adventure expedition. Taking my camper truck and motorcycle south.  Last year it was a month with the mini staying in Best Westerns. This year Gilbert and I have Starlink.  Laura’s joining us for a couple of weeks at Christmas. I’ve got to find an RV park and be set up for our visit. We’re going to be shopping in Mexico as well as getting our teeth cleaned.  What a date! I want another pair of glasses and hearing aids. I’m becoming cyborgs.  I’ll restock on meds too.  

It’s rainy and dark.  With the clocks turned back there’s light at 7 am.  I’m moving to waking at 6 am as a consequence.  The evening is pitch black. Even in the south it’s dark at end of day.  I am planning on a two hour lunch in the south so I can take advantage of the mid day sun. I’d like to stock up on Vitamin D and hopefully see my back pain reduce.  Chronic pain is a challenge. It’s not that bad or I really would do more stretching exercises , lose weight quicker and actually make faster progress. I am progressing though and I persist in steady slow progress.  Last year in November I had such severe sciatica I could hardly circle the car.  Walking to the gas station washroom was a challenge.  This year I have fleeting fears of limitations.  Aging is something I recognise and worry I’m being too cautious then other times I’m not cautious enough.  

I’ve been reading another Anthony Grey. This one is Saigon. His Peking was superb and I’m enjoying Saigon.  A bit of a Modern Day Michener.  I love historical fiction .  

Madigan and I do our regular walks about the park and of course he comes with me on almost all the outings.  Today he’ll accompany me to the laundry and post office.  Laura is coming and she spoils him.  We love her company and visits.  Her daughter bought a Harley Nightster 750.  

Adell is planning to sell the property.  I expect that next year I’ll drive there to pick up the little boat and make arrangements to sell the big boat. I often think of taking the inside passage south for a last hooray or going up the St. Lawrence. The cost is what stops me.  I’m happy with the camper these days and especially like my large 5th wheel. I plan to take lessons in towing it when I return.   Perhaps next year I’ll take it south rather than the camper.  Perhaps I ‘ll go west. I like working virtual and doing these little jaunts.  I’m rather blessed indeed.  I sometimes look back on my life and smile. I’m so grateful.  Yes there’s been manure but that surely had fed the flowers, I continue to carry resentments to the institutional Borg and the arrogant smug mandarins.  I struggle to forgive and my mind continues to need to be reminded to look on the positive.  

Thank you God for this life. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God for this day.  Thank you for Madigan, Laura, family, friends and acquaintenance.  Help to guide me and show me the way.  Protect me and watch over my loved ones.  May I do thy will. Thank you.  

Tuesday, after Daylight saving

I awoke this morning at 5 am. I suspect the time change could be affecting me or it’s just one of those things where I begin waking early for a bit because of stress. Yesterday was a particularly demanding day in which I ran an half hour late all day despite taking only a 10 minute lunch.  I was at the clinic and stopped by the post office on the way home and in London drugs to ask the nurse if she had and earlier apt than my Flu and Covid vaccine appt Nov. 30. I’m preparing to take my camper south to Yuma Dec. 8 putting my fifth wheel in storage.  Laura is joining me in Phoenix by flight Dec. 8.  We’re planning on having out teeth cleaned and I’m wanting hearing aids.

Laura will enjoy the Mexico market.

I downloaded Chat GPT after he shared that he was enjoying it .  I admire Stan as a very bright man,  The Stan’s in my life.  I like the construction foreman too.

So I asked the Chat about Spirituality and Transexualism, morality and transexualism, genetics and epigenetics of behaviour, which Christian churches not only ‘accepted’ homosexuality and twin spirited but embraced and celebrated it. The Metropolitan Christian Church, The United Church and the Unitarians embraced transexuals not just accepted them. I liked that. Then I asked about irony and humor and the limits of social media to be unable to grasp these.  The discussion of AI and humor and irony was fascinating. I objected to the sense of talking to a lawyer with all the cya statements and the chat adjusted to be more straight forward.

It appears an hour passed.

I don’t feel tired. I’d gone to sleep at 9 30 so had the normal 8 hours.  It was nice to see the sunshine this morning and I may enjoy getting up closer to dawn. I may even adjust my alarm.

I asked the chat to generate a dialogue and enjoyed the result. I asked about plotting and arranging for a fiction and non fiction book.  I really ought to complete these projects I’ve long started. I ordered another copying pen to upload segments of my saved blogs to the books I’m working on. There’s a lot of cut and paste. I could hire an author to write the book with me too.  I’ve thought a secretary but having a ghost writer would make matters ever easier. I’m a writer but I’m getting lazier and feel less desire to sit and write. Yet I believe if I was wearing silk and satin underwear in a pretty sun dress sitting at an outdoor cafe I’d enjoy writing. But not a writing project. I love writing travel observations and thoughts in those situations but not projects. I would go to the library but Madigan might not be welcome. I really need a work area to write a medical text.

I’ve thought of a title.  Topics in Clinical Community Psychiatry. I’ve already written a lot that would gather under that umbrella.  2024 the year I publish another book.  

I’m enjoying the budding and growth of breasts…..man boobs…but it’s different. I feel gentler more sensual.  I’m looking forward to Mexico.  I’d like to do tai chi and dance again to address the chronic lumbar spinal pain. I’m doing exercises but not enough. I walk a lot and swim some but really should be doing much more each day. I spend most of my time sitting in a desk working and then a lot of time lying on the couch reading or watching tv. When I get back I’m going to get a better couch.  I want to replace the lazy boys but then I consider trading this in for a bus. I plan to take lessons in towing first thing when I get back and not set up my home until I get the towing learned. Until then I can live in the camper here.

I imagine breast augmentation and a face lift .  I doubt I’d have bottom surgery given the risk and age.  The fantasies don’t go that far and even surgery of any kind is a challenge to consider.  I imagine cost is a factor too.  I’m mostly looking forward to cross dressing more.  I’ve been so reserved yet I’ve cross dressed since theatre days.  The psychiatrist said it was a way of coping with anxiety.  At first it was an occasional evening then it was Halloweve, then I’d buy clothing when travelly. It was coupled with masturbation and the themes were male and female.  When I was ‘raped’ on drugs and such it became very much a conflicted matter.  Later I’d associated cross dressing with smoking dope.Then I’d be celebrate again for a year. I’d done something like that first when I was meditating and studying that year.  My joy was girls but when I’d be married or in a relationship she’d seem to lose interest and there’d be resistance rather than joy and celebration as it had begun.  I left a marriage mostly after three months went by without my partner noticed mentioning or caring. They always seemed happy with money and entertainment but not intimacy.  I’ve felt I’ve ended up paying for a friend or living with the same old same old like they had another lover they preferred or really just wanted the provision and protection.  I was most disappointed that women didn’t initiate sex excep as strangers and that the more we knew each other the more they took me for granted. I learned from escorts in my practice that the best john was one who paid an they didn’t have sex with .I thought then that men wanted to have sex for free and women wanted to be paid for sex and not sex. Lazy or the old adage that marriage is instituionalized prostitutions. The fact is men want family and women today dont’ want children.  

I ‘m passed wanting children’s .  That was when I waited through medicine and residency and when they were completed there was no sex.  The recurrent lie, what I say and what I do and by then I’dbeen trained as a psychiatrist in sociopathy an incongruence and arroagance.  I was resentful.

I’ve shared and the old reciprocity was I take her to a fine restaurant and she makes us sandwiches for picnic. today there’s no reciprocity , the ideal is the princess and men serving women as the slave or such while men do the paying and all the work of relationship as well as taking care of the home.  It’s lucky if a man gets a sandwhich and it’s begrudged too.  There’s a retrospective falsification that women were victims so are victims but I’ve never victimized a women. I’ve just grown tired of the lack of reciprocity or sex or communication.  I remember when I went to years of therapy individual and groups and felt like I was processing all this feedback to then meet with a woman who said what her mother said and the idea of flexibility or adaptation was not in her world as she expected the man to adapt to her. Takers and givers.  

IF you can’t beat em join. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If being a ‘first lady’ is a victim ship then I’ll take that rather than the president role.  

further having faced the female lawyer psychopath who when faced with having her fraud and theft exposed claimed I sexually harassed her and stole two years of my life to continue the dirty evil that low class psychopath perpetuated , well I thought being a man in canada is castrating.  Jesus would be castrated today as a preventative measure.  It’s an anti male society and I’m frankly tired of the chronic anti male sentiments and lack of appreciation of masculinity in the estrogen insane perverse higher echelons of power where pedophilia is rampant and the story of Herod and his lust for Salome repeats itself over and over again. All good men are John the Baptist in Canada while the Justin puppet prince reigns as bizarre and weird as Nero.  The Freedom convoy occasions martial law while Marxist BLM and Marxist Antifida smash and rule.  Lich is jailed despite receiving the freedom award. Communist Chinese win the election for Trudeau and set up police stations in Canada.  The US in little better and SCWHAB makes the WEF the de facto government in his increasing UN Babylon ruled by dictators and communists.  Racism is the new term for anti white.  Christianity is attacked on all fronts which Islam shuts down cities were a war of prayer.  Zen Buddhists are genocided by the Chinese in Tibet and Canadian students think Hamma Palestine is better than Israel.

It’s war.

It’s insane.

I’m enjoying coffee and walking the dog.  I had yogurt and the weather is better than a few days ago .There’s blue sky. I really out to walk the dog.  

Thank you god for a new day. Thank you Jesus for your blessing and sacrifice.  Be my advocate and guide me today. Help me do your will and serve those I serve the best I can. 

 

Saturday morning , present

I liked checking in on the ham radio SSB radio net.  Sailing north to Alaska I participated in this daily routine that was there and carried on before and after I was gone. The local coastal people maintain this for each other as well as cruisers.  So many of the communities were isolated.  Sailing to Hawaii in winter, a couple of Hamm radio enthusiasts maintained contact with me. A morning check in.  

I’m alive.

I’ve survived another night

The boat is fine.  I’m fine.  The hurricane is past its worse.

I can smell the islands.

Then coming home it was another net. In summer the cruisers returning to the mainland have their ‘check in’ and each of us did the roll call. We had our call sign and gave the briefest message indicating we were alive and well. If there was a life threatening emergency it could be given at the beginning of the hour of the roll call.  Conversation was left to the end when individuals could call each other or move a desired ‘chat’ to a non working frequency.  

I just loved checking in. 

Now I check in with Laura. Almost every day we contact each other.  Yesterday we shared what movie we were watching and what we were eating for dinner. The news was that her daughter bought a HD Nighster motorcycle following in her mother’s footstep and actually getting a motorcycle similiar to my ‘Nightster special’ which I bought to replace my electroglide and vespa.  I miss the Vespa. The electroglide I’d bought for the 5000 km return trip I’d made to Sturgis SD for the Harley Davidson rally and stopping off at a medical conference in Colorado.  While the electroglide was 1200 lbs and perfect for long distance riding on the American freeways, the Nightster is only 500 lbs and a compromise for city and rural riding. I’m taking it south with me to Arizona when I chase the sun in my truck and camper.  I’m actually looking forward to motorcycling in the desert air as I did riding is Texas.  

I remember medical colleagues were impressed with my arriving at the conference one year when I ‘d returned from sailing across the pacific and working in the Marianas islands and that year I’d arrived on motorcycle.  At the last conference I was wearing black ‘Lincoln Park after Dark” nail polish.  I’d asked the Vietnamese ladies at the Professional Nail Salon for black nail polish but my transgender doctor friend immediately recognised it as Lincoln Park.  I didn’t think much about it until several other women commented on my wearing Lincoln Park after dark.  I’d cross dressed on and off for years and appreciated from direct experiences the differences in male and female cultures but this was a new one.  I knew there were different colours of lip gloss and nail polish but that they had names which other women knew floored me.  I remember calling something ‘orange’ and a friend saying that was ‘tangerine’. I dismissed it but never realized that when I corrected women on the distinction between scooters and motorcycles I was little difference in this regard. Men’s world is mostly black and white or grey with streaks of red whereas the world of women was far more colorful.  I enjoy walking in a sun dress whereas in blue jeans I’m just using shanks mare to go from place to place.  I suppose sailing shorts my favourite attire give me a different take on life too without involving gender.  Indeed the world of peace is colourful whereas the world of war is stark black, white, grey and red. Basic.  Like plain cooking which provides sustenance compared to the tastes of ancient civilizations you encounter in Hong Kong, Greece, Baku. 

I”m on an adventure and already see it’s second class. My RV and camper joys are wholly middle class not the upper class ‘yachting’ world. If I wear women’s knickers and skirts I’m a ‘b’ male but if I wear the funny golf clothing of golf I’m still an Alpha male.

I don’t feel these things but interaction with those around me constantly involves hierarchy.  My patient who was a world ‘dart’ champion was as unknown as my friends who competed in the Olympics. However those who compete in commercial sports are somehow ‘alpha’, American foot ball players and Canadian Hockey players. Personally I love Robin Williams as Texas cheer leaders.  For me there was a playful life as a man in the arts before doctoring then the serious world of medicine and even more serious world of psychiatry and now addiction as a deadly disease category but with the black humor of men at war.  I weary of the seriousness of it all.  When I wear a bikini people really do avoid me and even knowing I’m a psychiatrist don’t approach me to tell me their or their families emotional problems.  I am social phobic and when I’m being social am approached in meetings, church, wherever about some problem, whereas au femme, nope. I used to tell people only that I was a writer and teacher and evaded that intrussion but it wasn’t failsafe.  The saddest part was when it came out that I was a ‘doctor’ it was liked suddenly I had a parental function whereas until then we’d played as equal.  Everyone wants to be rescued.  

I hear that mulimillionaires have this difficulty too. My millionaire friends describe being propositioned. I confess I’m more moved by black bras and intellectual conversation especially if it involved aliens and god.

Dignity is an issue.

It’s dignified for women to dress like men but undignified for men to dress like women despite the behaviour of priests and judges.

I loved Meryl Streep in the Devil Wears Prada and recently enjoyed watching Barbie with Laura.

Well, I’m here.  We call out to God, the universe, our family and friends and the ‘networks’.  It’s a new day and I’m here again

Carpe Diem.  ODAAT.  I pray to serve and be safe and to love. I’m preparing to cross a sea of estrogen rather than the pacific and looking forward to heading south in winter to get further sun as here it is raining an cold.  I count my wealth as a Canadian in that I’ve been able to live in Mexico a year, live in southern US a year and in the Mariana Islands for a few years as well as so many winter trips to tropics, Hawaii, Central America, Africa. I’ve been blessed to have that much more sun than most of my fellow Canadians.  I’ve always ski and climbed mountains above the clouds to enjoy the sun .  In Winnipeg it was freezing cold but the sun was almost always there and there was endless sky no sense of being socked in. I’m blessed with a life so varied.  

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Thank you Creator.  Thank you holy trinity. May the personhood of God touch my body, mind and soul. May I be a spiritual home for the highest values whether I’m dressed in short or skirt.  I asked the Hay Clan tartan folk when they were going to come out with a kilt that’s not just rough wool but rather is silk. When I bought my first stretchy gene’s I knew it was a slippery slope. I understand the elderly in mumus.  I’m all for comfort over function rather than form or function. Skip both and give me comfort.  

I’m slipping for a stoic to an epicurean.  I like the word delicate yet there was a time I considered that a beta word.  It’s a world of self discovery like sailing oceans , hunting big game or riding motorcycles across country.  I’m joining the snow birds heading south on four wheels.  I’ve already done the trip in my sail boat and often by car but this time I’ll have my home in the camper on the back of the truck. I do look forward to pulling to the side of the road and making a coffee. I did that this summer driving north to Logan Lake.  My walking tours were more intimate than my bicycling tours.  Bicycling a cross Europe though I saw the world historically and up close compared to being parachuted in by plane. I m as much into the journey as the destination.  Is this estrogen or testosterone or some different and higher power.  

I am here and now today.  Just checking in.  Thank you God for waking me. Thank you for my dog and friends and family and the vehicles.  And clothing,  I once loved and lived in my Mustang Survival suit days on end.  But in old age there’s no need for the roughing it wear of the outdoors.  I understand instead the importance of Silk and the History of the Silk Roads.  The old ironically with little time have much more time .

thank you Jesus.

 

Good Morning God, Thank you

I woke early this morning.  I had vague memories of positive dreams, visiting with people who accepted me as I am. I reflected last night on being the best version of myself.  It’s an inside job.  I wear costumes and masks on the outside. These days it’s nail polish and hair colouring.  Yet inside I’m perpetually like my finger print.  Unique. I carry the experiences but at the core I’m the child my mother and father loved. I was born into a loving large family with grandparents uncles and aunts, some from the centre of middle class urban reality and others from the northern forests and fields of Canada.  

At the time I really didn’t appreciate fully how blessed I was.  I mostly was having an idyllic life and felt I suffered because my mother was constantly saying, ‘clean up your room….don’t slouch,….chew your food…eat your vegetables….don’’t doodle and a myriad of civilizing statements that did me well in future years. My father mostly was saying ‘listen to your mother ‘ and ‘stop bothering your brother’.  

Meanwhile I was given a microscope as a boy and a bicycle and I studied the stars with my father and brother using his big binoculars.  We lived in a safe suburban Canadian suburb, the Anglican Church manse and minister next door, the judge a few doors down and my friends father the chemist across the lane.  We had two pilots living a couple of houses away, one a former fighter pilot and the other an active international commercial pilot. The two ladies with the little dog weren’t sisters and I only learned much later that they were lesbians.  People pretty much kept to themselves but were respectful, friendly and discrete.  Mostly the mothers stayed home and really were home makers, baking bread, doing laundry , tidying, sewing, preparing three meals a day and of course gossiping.  Some like my mom who wrote for the local papers had little ‘pin money’ jobs.  The neighbour took in foster children and another did some day care. The men went away in their often brand new cars and returned in the afternoon.

It was an unhurried time. I loved exploring with my friends and later bicycling everywhere.  We saw a bobcat by the river once.  On a tree. The dog was barking at it and of course keeping us safe.  We also found a true detective magazine with black and white pictures of private eyes and girls in shorts skirts and garters and hose.  Years from them my friend would share his older brothers playboy stash with us but that was after we’d become good in baseball and hockey.  We joined the YMCA and swam in indoor and outdoor pools depending on the season.

Dad would take the whole family in a car ride across the country sometimes visiting family east or north or just exploring to the west.  We rode on trains and flew in planes. It was really by most standards ahead of its times. Dad was an engineer and interested in tech so we had movie cameras and radios.  Mom won a lottery and we had the first colour tv in the block.  Neighbours came to see.  It wasn’t a big house. We never had more that a few guests at any time.  We had all we could want and more.

Today I ‘m thankful for my life. I was asked to share at a meeting this week and expressed gratitude for of all things peace of mind. I remember one year for weeks and months my thoughts seemed more like hampster in a cage, the monkey mind.  Now instead of the raging seas and fast streams of yesterday my mind is more like a meandering great river slowly heading to the ocean, the mountains and water falls of past stretches behind me.  Perhaps I ‘m just in a valley but for today I’m thankful for the relief and hopefully won’t mess it up. I’ve had many worry free times in my life when I’ve messed with the peace and simplicity.  I like drifting downstream today rather than struggling up stream or back and forth across the currents.  The waters seems a lot deeper too.  Less shallow .  Less rocks.

I’ve my dog with me. A little black and white cockapoo with the most expressive tail and a tendency to grumble. My sister in law calls her two female cockapoo, ‘the grumpy old ladies’.

Thank you God for this day. Thank you for the shower and hormones and lotions and indoor plumbing. Thank you for electricity and the furnace. It’s cold and raining outside.  I let Madigan out for a pee and he was back in a shot glad to have this cozy den to share with me.

Thank you for my work and the people I have the privilege to serve.  Thank you for dreams and plans and the sense of forward motion, faith and hope. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Creator.