New Year’s Eve morning, 2020-2021

Madigan is the best of this year.  Losing Gilbert was the worst.  Trading in the KTM 690 for the Vespa 250 Touring was another highlight.  Taking the Camper with Laura and Gilbert first to Horse Lake then to Princeton was also pretty incredible.  BC camping with a truck and a camper and a motorcycle is pretty awesome anytime. 

I  really liked getting the Nikon P1000 for birding.  Discussing that and the SiOnyx Night vision pro with my nephew was pretty awesome. Then bird pictures. I loved walks with Gilbert, he had heart disease and was slowed down so didn’t mind the stops I made to take pictures.  I loved the Anna’s hummingbird, immature eagle, the red tailed Hawk, the king fisher, the wood ducks.  The king fisher was special.

I know, it was Covid.  I moved home from the clinics to my virtual office. I loved the “Living in a ghost town,” song by the Rolling Stones.  It was tough. All the sadness and despair.  Reassurance and a prescription pad.  Motivation therapy and 12 step facilitation.  I missed church. I missed meetings. I missed the symphony, the ballet, opera and concerts, travel. I enjoyed dressing up and going for outdoor coffee. Visiting the post office and grocery shopping twice a week became the big excursions.

Normally I reflect on the year just about now. This year was just survival. I was running on empty when the Christmas break came. I’m still recuperating.  I thought it rather synchronistic that the battery in my truck died, the neighbourhood power was out 24 hours. I ran out of gas for the generator.  

Laura as tired too.  Madigan was biting.  I cooked meals each day. I exercised. My back has been a pain. I feel a bit old and vulnerable. I was so sick in spring, unable to breathe, like a scuba diving accident.  Shocking. I came through.  I worry more more.  The media and government and just about everyone has disappointed me. The fear mongering has been constant.  I’m feeling deeply betrayed. It’s such an easy temptation to go into self pity and curl up in a ball in bed.  I haven’t.

Each day I’ve showered. I’ve walked the dog now.  I needed a dog. A dog gets me out.  He gets me up.  I’m really blessed to have a dog. Madigan bites and pees and poops in puppy way still.  I believe in weeks or months when we can get outside without rain or snow the whole outdoor dog toilet thing will begin to happen.  The biting will stop. He’s a lovely little guy. So much enthusiasm.

Another big thing was the storage locker.  Reducing two storage lockers to one and giving away a ton of good stuff and digitalizing a couple of decades of medical files was an accomplishment.  

Isolation and masks and social distancing and hand washing and staying home.  Netflix and Satellite internet.  Video conferencing.  Reading. Some writing but not the projects I have plans for. 

Daily I’ve asked God for protection and guidance.  I’ve prayed for family, friends and patients. 

I’m glad my nephew, Alan is back in Canada with Meagan.

I’m excited that Anna is having another baby and little Willie is turning a year old.  So thankful the other good kids are well.

I lowered the bar on 2020.  I survived. I worked and I paid the taxes.  We are still in the midst of the corrupt American election and unconventional hybrid war of Communist China. 

 I’m hopeful. I force myself to be.  I have faith. I’m progressing. I don’t fear death.  Each day is a blessing. Madigan needs me. I live for my dog.  I don’t think adults need me.  I once thought I was important. I don’t anymore. I’m not sure what adventures I want to do. I meant to write books. I was planning on sailing the Atlantic. I wanted to fish pickerel and pike more. Hunt some more. Motorcycle.  Go camping. I love camping.  Lying on the couch reading or watching Netflix and camping and walking the dog are highlights of my existence. Drinking coffee. Sleeping too. Being in bed with Laura is good. I’ve had great dreams all year, hopeful positive dreams, dreams of the peninsula and meetings and the boat. 

2021 can be the year of dreams.  More camping.  More dog walking. More photography. More writing. More de cluttering my life. More focus on essentials.  Covid did that.  So much dross exposed.  

2021.

Thank you God for this life. Thank you God for all the blessings. Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for love and life and truth.  Thank you for being. I am ,that is who I am.  

May the long time sunshine always surround you and the pure light within you guide your way home

We are just walking each other home.

Sunday Dec. 27, 2020 Puppy Mind

Women with babies sometimes describe their own minds as ‘baby minds’.  I’ve got a ‘puppy’ mind. It’s fudge.  Kind of murky and focused on pee, poop, and food.  I don’t have his teeth. Everything is in his mouth and gets tooth.  Including human.

Christmas snuc up on me. I was working then suddenly Laura was here.  I made steak then I made ham .I cooked poached eggs and had bacon sandwiches. I then had left over ham sandwiches. Highlights were ordering food on line and driving to Save On Foods for pick up.  The really special event was FaceTime call with family. I liked seeing all the bearded nephews and hearing that my Aran sweater gifts fit the girls. Adell modelled  hers and it looked great.  Glad to have Alan and Meagan home from Britain before another lock down. I’ve enjoyed Graeme’s Ember skies production.  I enjoy having Laura here. I don’t feel as invested in a sex change.  It’s a kind of adventure  idea like Black Like Me.  I’m working. I’ve travelled . I’d thought to sail the Atlantic but Covid and aging make the whole ocean crossing world travel thing seem daunting.  I really just want to be on a beach in the tropics now. I so enjoyed camping with Gilbert and the Vespa this summer on the lake.  

Now it’s all about Madigan.  Walks and cuddles and cleaning up his poop and pee pads.  Looking forward to each accomplishment and his growth. He’s bigger. He can jump up on the couch and climb up and down stairs.

I’m reading beach reads.  A couple of westerns and now an espionage thriller. I think I should be writing a book or completing a project but that’s the bug bear. I don’t have any capacity to do or see more than a day or two into the future. I can’t focus or plan.  My life revolves around the new addition to the family.  I love him.  Home entertainment at its finist.  

My nephew and his wife are having this experience on steroids with Finn.  My God child Willie is giving Anna and Kevin and the three meerkat siblings this pleasure too.  Willie just turned one and another is on the way.  I miss having children.  It’s left me grieving.  The main disappointment in my life. God had other plans.  I delivered babies, treated thousands of children and families. I’ve served.

All over the floor there are dog toys.  Dog chews and torn paper. Below my knees is his world. When I sit to meditate the squirmy is all over me.  

Life is good.  Covid is crazy.  I feel inadequate in my work. It’s global.  There’s nothing local about the cause of so much sorrow and suffering.  Unconventional war by Communist China and the UN elites.  I don’t know what’s happening. Trudeau is not only inept and putrid, he’s downright evil.  He appears worse than the DTES. Like Nero or Herod. George III was mentally ill at the end of his reign losing America. Trudeau’s reign began badly and gets worse. Government and media seem so corrupt. Yet the world muddles on. I try to be hopeful. The Trump election concerns persist. The China Sea war and Iran aggression persist. Taxes rise as does cost of living, more lavish living by elites and more taxes for us.

I remain grateful, for God, for life, for puppy, for love, for family and friends. I pray for my patients and meditate daily. We are past the solstice and the days are getting long. Hallelujah. No need to sacrifice virgins. The Sun is coming.

Wednesday

I woke up to the musical alarm.  The song, “I believe in God”.  The Creed plays over and over. I hit the snooze bar twice.  I was going tor three but thought it unfair to the puppy. I don’t know when he awakes but he’s so excited when I get up.  Jumping and twirling.  I stepped off the bed and walked into the bathroom.  Looking over his shoulder at me, he peed on the bathroom rug. I was still too asleep to do anything.  He seemed very impressed with himself.  Last night he pooped in the shower.  He’s a big dog and I think he thinks big dogs do it there.  “See dad, I’m a big dog too”.  I couldn’t process all this, just picked up the rug and put it in the hamper. I used the anti odour spray and wiped up the dribble around the rug. Despite the size of the target, he’s a boy.

When I was on the floor doing meditation and yoga he was all over me. I kept thinking this is ‘god’.  I petted him till he settled then got up and made coffee. Coffee and a Christmas tart.  The food. I read the Internet news.  No change.  Election and Covid.  Friends with great risqué jokes.  A shopping catalogue experience on FB with things they know I liked.  A travelling vest that carries all the tech one could want.  I then remembered I wasn’t travelling anywhere any time soon.  Back to the shower. Walk the dog. Into the garage office.  

Another 8 hours of reassuring people who are too often alone and in despair. The Covid pandemic begat the Mental Health epidemic.  The worst is dealing with the bean counters and money men, insurance agents, safe in offices, hustling front line workers that simply burn out. They’ve done months on the front line and now I have to explain to someone witholding promises that the person can’t work. To bosses, and Monday morning quarter backs, and insurance folk, everyone is a malingerer, If it wasn’t for my desire to not get a strangers blood on me I’d have throttled this one callous sociopath in suit for demanding a letter that week or he wouldn’t honour the care workers claim from a week before.  “It’s Covid!!~! I wanted to scream moistly in his face. I’ve waited months for a new washing machine. It took me weeks to get my computer fixed.  Here’s this bully terrorizing my patient with their petty power in the middle of the plague with half the government and union workers gleefully doing holiday times even though they never were frontline. And he  gets sticky with a good girl who collapsed at work and now is paranoid in bed.  I remember when I worked VGH ER walking through molasses going to the executioners block headed into work where for months I’d been spit on and bled on by Aids demented patients, drunk and stoned angry people just handed a death sentence by their doctor.  This patient younger friend had died from Covid and heart disease.  She couldn’t work.  But this strutting paper pusher working under layers of strutting paper pushers was kicking us down at the bottom, Last night at 9 pm I filled out the forms and sent them to the clinic front line staff who look more grey each time I see them.  The lockdowns wearing people down.  Stop banging pots for frontline workers. Do something meaningful like processing their claims and getting back to your cushy safe office jobs rather than smoking dope and watching Netflix.

Just another day.  Another old man who is the highest risk patient in my practice, a war vet, nightmares, flashbacks, physical wounds, heart and lung disease, lives a lone.  His horrible little room is cold in winter. He has trouble breathing. Can’t lie down or would die at night. His friend, another war vet, used to drive each week to take him to the market. He died last week, multiple illness, but Covid got him.  The patient asked the government for help. He was told he had to fill out a form on line. He only has a cell phone.  I tried navigating the site from my computer. Completely unmanageable.  One of those ‘see we care’ government actions that guarantee no one uses it but the virtue signalling works. Thankfully there are advocacy services. I get the phone number. An. Advocate I know will help.  But no one would talk to this old man.  The site actually said that they had closed their physical offices due to Covid.  Just great government. Like Trudeau taken months of summer holidays and claiming he cared.  I resist the frustration.  The people who are working are amazing. I have several government patient working from home or going to stand and meet the growing lines of desperate people.  The problem is at the top but locally leadership remains mostly okay.  The man has no money for food delivery. I called a market and they’ d make a delivery this time till we got the advocate involved.  He couldn’t plan for his only friend to die.  Trudeau’s henchmen would be on their way to offer him MAiD and Euthanasia if I mentioned his name.  My germophobic OCD patients are really taking a hit. The saddest are the family of dying parents in maximum security nursing homes.  No visitors.  I hear all the things the daughter wished she could have told her mom. She tells me how her last memory was putting her hand to the glass window, standing outside in the rain and cold looking at her moms crying eyes.  I’m tired of this too. I can’t support lockdowns but tell those at risk to be safe.  Covid vaccines appear to be good but no panacea.  Nature will go it’s course. The vaccines will be ameliorative. But life is temporary.  In the meantime we try to be kind, at least some of us.  

The media is controlled by 6 propaganda corporations. I miss the bootleg music stations that had ships at sea.  The truth is in the blogs and pub med studies that aren’t reported widely.

I’m going to shower. The walk with the little guy is a high spot for him.  I get joy watching his joy.  

I’m praying more.  The Bible gives solace.  I reading the history of government persecutions of Christians.  Islamists killed more this week in Africa.  Trudeau hates Christians and Catholics.  Communism is the religion of Aetheism and Trudeau invited the Communist Chinese Military to train in Canada and steal military secrets. In a sane world he’d be in jail but the Nazi’s seem to be ascendant, Totalitarianism and Sharia Communism.  I read how millions of Indians hid their money in their mattress.  I wish I was better at barter.

Then i take hope and realize this too will pass. I will read to the end of the chapter on persecution of Christians and come to the time when tolerance of religions came to be and freedom of speech, freedom of expression and freedom of congregation were not something people would give up to girl abusing clown who looks more impaired every picture I see of him.  What does he do in that basement of his?  A previous liberal PM was out every night with prostitutes Could some one assure me there are slave girl in the dope den in the basement on Sussex.  AFter reading he invited Communist Chinese Generals to Canada I can believe anything.  Like his father he hates American and British.  I really have trouble maintaining faith and trusting leadership.  Why is Trudeau still there?  But locally the government still functions.  Hogans and Dix are pretty solid characters by all reports. I can only hope. Everything is above my pay grade as billionaires become trillionairs and middle class is taxed down to peasant class.

I’d better put on the SAD Lite. The rain and overcast wear along with the isolation. I miss church. I miss the theatre and symphony and ballet. I miss travel. We’d planned to go to island for Christmas, not Italy, not Ireland, just to Victoria.  I used to drive down to Bellingham for a day in winter. A break from the city. A change. Now even that is verboten. I’m looking forward to a break.  The depression, anxiety and despair is getting to me. “The meds aren’t working, doctor’. The patient says of their pain or anxiety medication.  I worry about addiction. I hear drunk and stoned patients who relapsed and there’s little to offer. ‘I called the number you gave me and they say they have no one talking to anyone. I can’t afford anything,  What are you going to do?  Meanwhile Trudeau Supremo gives more money to terrorists and overseas cronies.  I have to deal with my resentment but I remember a mentor telling me that it wasn’t a resentment if the bullets were whizzing past your ear. In times like this it’s just best to duck. I’m blessed myself.  I can listen. Reassure. Keep the communication open.  Thank god the police have been helping my patients who have locked themselves in their rooms to kill themselves and my phone calls have brought relief. I love my colleagues working emergencies.

Another day. Covid and lockdowns.  

At least the puppy is eating and pooping.  Thank God for that. 

Flicker out window

Tuesday, No Change

I awoke thanking God for good sleep and good dreams. I like best when the fallen join me and we play in the son and share remembrances.  I hit the snooze button on the iPad alarm hearing the puppy awake hopeful,. He likes when I get up but I fell back to sleep saying prayers.  Waking and sleeping again one more time before getting up. Madigan is ecstatic in the morning. Circling my feeting and falling over in his hurry.  I pet him then proceed to the toilet. He follows me in to watch me, tail wagging.  He likes best when I walk out to the living room and sit to meditate. This he has deemed is his time. Lots of hugs and tickles and belly rubs.  Squirmy dog with a stick in his mouth trying not to puppy bite me because he knows that ends the ritual.  Today no bites and the belly rubs proceed.  In time he settles to chew and I call on the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit Come.  Come Holy Spirit. I don’t speak to God like a dog but a dog is angelic.  I am asking. I am also reminding myself to look within. I pray, ask for protection and care of family and loved ones. Mostly I ask that God guide my words and answers in my work. I want to be of service and to speak true.

It’s hard these day. Each day morphing into the next. It’s hard to realize this Covid 19 with lockdowns and fear, Communist Chinese aggrsssion, Trudeau traitorship and stupidity, horrendous corrupt wasteful spending, American election intrigues and graft, all while air craft carriers converge on the China Sea.Here at home I wash my hands, wear my mask and avoid contact with people.  I see Laura, the only one in my bubble.  Neighbours talk with me at a distance as I walk the dog.  I visitted the clinic yesterday.  I pick up my cheque every 2 weeks, leave and pick up papers. It was a delight to see the ladies. For a brief moment with Madigan being petted by each of them I felt a little joy. It was the feeling of normalcy, of human contact.  Laughter.  I was showing off my painted Christmas nails.  They looked tired.  Nurses and clinic staff are all looking weary. Patients describe the tedium of daily waiting. The days of siege are on us. The new cures have brought hope and the new vaccines are rolling out.  Dr. Bonnie Henry predicts that next fall the pandemic will have passed. The old in nursing homes continue to die, isolated, alone, depressed and abused.  The futures looks all but bright. Meanwhile Trudeau is selling euthanasia to a willing market and overdose deaths are sky rocketing. 

I’m going to shower, dress and walk the dog. The rain has stopped. Last night I watched re runs of Star Trek. It’s either that or NCIS.  I remember as a kid looking forward to getting home from school to watch the latest episode of Captain Kirk. Years later it would be Captain Picard then Captain Janeway.  I didn’t watch much of he spacestaion with Dr. Bashard and Quark so now when that is on I see mostly episodes I’ve not seen.  The show with the NCIS New Orleans fellow a Captain, as prequel, is sometimes on and I do enjoy that series.  There’s a new series of Discovery and I enjoy the androgynous girl and the gay scientist.  It has a bit of Dune like idea in the last series. Now I’ve no clue as to what they’re on about. It’s Thursday and I must remember to watch it Thursday.  Often that the time I go to the mail box in the mall.  

I’m happy Alan and Meagan are home from Britain.  Marriage plans delayed till next year.  I’m thankful for Facebook as I can see Kendra and the boys and Willie and his mommy growing in Kevin’s pictures.  Anna has another child on the way.  I love her enthusiasm. The family hunting reminds me of my youth with parents camping and dad taking us boys duck hunting cold autumn mornings.

It’s surprising that Christmas is coming so soon. It always feels like that, December flashing by then the holidays. I’m tired by the work and looking forward to a break. Scheduled days are demanding, intense and long.  At least my older colleague is an inspiration going to the clinic It’s hard to feel self pity when I’m encouraged to stay home to lessen the flow of people in the clinics. I don’t feel safe in enclosed spaces.  The TB treatment and the deafness that followed haunt me. I just don’t want to risk sickness. I couldn’t breathe in Feb this year, like a scuba accident. I felt the terror and disappointment of dwindling air and inability to expand my lungs.  It lasted for parts of a day but it frightened me. I’m aging and denial of death and mortality are work.  I’ve no fear of the other side just the passage.  I’d like to be less anxious. My fear caused everything to be tight and I couldn’t relax.  All the years of meditation including years of slowing my breathing and heart and dropping my blood pressure consciously so the pulse all by disappeared and here I am today anxious.  It was the surprise.  When I exercise I’m in control. At that time I felt out of control and wanted to live resisting dying, clinging to life.  Surprised myself. I act nonchalant about life, take it or leave it attitude, and then alone in my home I’m gasping for air, feverish and fighting my own demons.  A changed occurred to. A realization that life is to be lived and it’s to be enjoyed.  I got back one of my old joie de vivre before the years of bullying by false accusation by psychopaths and their supporting nest of sociopaths in high places.  I still am assailed by intrusive thoughts and dreams of those evil people and their banality.  It’s hard to put it aside but I must. Resentment is taking poison and hoping the other guy will die.  Life is too short. Moving on. But here in Covid there’s only waiting. I’m thankful to be working.  I don’t have the emotional state to write a novel or play or take on a creative project, writing songs, or building something.  It’s survival mode.  I do the next right thing and get through the day.  Last week I looked forward to Laura’s visit. Now I’m looking forward to holidays.  I miss the symphony, theatre and ballet. I miss going to the coffee shop on Commercial to write. I miss riding my motorcycle.  The rain, the dreary cold time, the lack of outlets.  No hugs. No hand shakes.  I admire those who still ski or those who clean their house.  I just muddle along, not forgetting Madigan. He’s a handful and now I’m dress because the highlight of my day is watching him walking proudly, his white legs and white tale against the black of his fur moving with his little determined body. He takes ten steps to keep up with me the big dog and then on the way back he takes point, checking over his shoulder to make sure I’m following. If there’s anything or anyone new he scurries back to between my feet then cautiously takes point again happy to find the way home..

Madigan is my project. If I can keep him safe and all goes well he will be a great bird hunting companion next fall and we’ll be buddies together for another 20 years.  

Thank you Jesus.

Monday, Christmas Calendar

I woke an hour early with a recurrent nightmare. I was in a little closed room with an overbearing official browbeating me. He was threatening to tax and fine me to homelessness if I continued to speak. I was half heartedly threatening to fight him personally till my dying breath. Even as I was saying that I felt the fight slipping out of me. I  realized that I was willing to close my Facebook account, move to the country and live out my life with my dog. I had dreams of tropical beaches and old country churches and here was another bully telling me to shut up. Frankly I was ready to take a vow of silence. I welcomed death to any more conversation with the devil.  The banality of evil had got to me. I know some are sicker than others and I’d read Screwtape Letters. I woke up againrealizing all I had was time. I didn’t want to spend the little I had left in prison.  I felt powerless.  I prayed.  I asked God for the umpteenth time to be with me. I love St. Patrick’s Breastplate prayer.

I couldn’t fall back to sleep so went to play with the puppy. He had  woken with my movement. I wanted to be a uniform. I wanted to be the same. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to do whatever it took to be nobody.  I looked at my red nails. I tried thinking they were nothing. It was Christmas.  But I knew too well they were the latest in a long list of acts of civil disobedience.  Like the time as teens we wore ties to mock the authorities, dressing in suits to go to school.  Mirroring the authorities.  They actually liked it.  All about appearances. Political correctness, the shit in gourmet bun and the false belief it improves the taste of shit.  Give peace a chance.  I loved Klinger in MASH.

So many Christmas I’ve been moved to reflect on peace and sacrifice and God.  As a child I wrote poems about resurrection at this time of the year.  In the dead of winter in the early morning I sat in the sun room in Winnipeg learning to type by writing poems about the end of war and coming of peace, the wish for the new year. Noel.  I loved the story of Jesus.  I loved the Prodigal Son. I loved the psalms of David and the Beatitudes.  

I didn’t care for the Old Testament much till I was older.  I read John over and over again as a child and young man. The mystical meaning in the ‘in the beginning was the word’.  Later in physics and science I’d reflect on all of thermodynamics was just an ‘unpacking’ of that idea.

I struggled with the idea of transparency.  The head of the Supreme Court of Canada, McLaughlin recommended ‘transparency’ for the Canadian courts.  The courts rejected her idea.  Parliament this year has redacted all that has been requested. I once requested files and saw that they’d all be redacted too.  In war, ‘lose lips sink ships’ but I’d been a hacker and found that all the government files were wide open in the early years of computers.  I accessed all manner of information that was assumed by the common man to be protected.  It wasn’t.  Just like my campaign to ensure privacy was respected with regard to hospital files when patients personal psychiatric records were totally unprotected.  Now the Communist Chinese have hacked all of Canadian security files several times. The solution has been to lock up Julian Lasange who only told the truth about the arrogance of leadership and the disregard of the common man. Hillary and Obama having a private server that was not encrypted and lead to the death of several intelligence agents.  Who cares.  The OJ trial mostly showed that the police had no idea what DNA was and treated samples like fingerprint.  I loved my patient who hacked into the most secure anti hacker ‘authority’ and left happy faces through his computer systems. Hubris.  Now the Communist Chinese claim to have a functioning quantum computer so the change will be how to avoid industrial espionage against an aetheist aggressor who believes in theft and murder. It was the sole reason the Bolsheviks with Lenin succeeded against the moderate Mensheviks.  Stalin’s and Lenin, Molotov and Trotsky believe in murder as justified means. 

Christians are taught to turn the check 70 x 70.  We’re increasingly looking like Carrie in the movie, our heads cycling.  Yet as a physician do I believe in assasination.  My opponent will cheat and murder and steal and I’m just not that desperate, motivated or disgusting.  I can’t ‘hide’ everything and I can if I put the time in access all the data on any enemy and like Lenin and communists resort to lies and assasination. I have the skills and means to kill but have chosen to use my talents for healing and not for war. I chose Love not War. Yet C.S. Lewis ‘s talks, summed up in the book, Mere Christianity were what the troops heard when they countered the Neo pagan Nazis.  Bonhoffer was one of my favourite reads. Like St. John’s Dark Night of the Soul.  I loved Thoreau’s treatise on Civl Disobedience almost as much as I loved Walden Pond. I read Brother’s Karamasov with fascination. 

Now all the books of my teens  and 20’s were become the living reality of my later life.  Truth and deception, camouflage and transparency.  The idea that the big brain of man was to accommodate deceit. The black man who said the social workers knew all about him because he was homeless but the rich hid behind closed doors and apparently some visitted Epstein’s islands and others persisted in cannibalism.  Show me, don’t tell me becomes a whole different matter in those instances. Yet peasants want to believe their king is guided by God which history too often disputes.  Which God too?  

Now I’m facing another day in the world of Covid, trying to train my puppy not to bite and hoping I won’t say anything that is too true or too censored . I don’t know what offends since even black judges in Canada are called racists and aboriginal female attorney generals are fired and comedians are fined.

Difficult times.  I think of becoming a hermit and taking a vow of silence. Then I forget and like the puppy believe it’s still Peace and we don’t have to take on war mode just yet.  

I pray for vaccines and symphony and theatre.  I long to fly to Scotland, Ireland and Italy. I am weary of the state of emergency and the unconventional war and the fog of war and war and rumours of war.  

Christmas.  I am longing for the break.  Now to walk Madigan with Laura.  It’s comforting to be with them. 

Sunday, Madigan and Covid

In the Macrocosm, the world continues to revolve around Covid. In the Microcosm, my world revolves around Madigan. (The cockapoo puppy) 

My great joy today was he again pooped outside. He has a tendency to pee almost always on pee pads but he can miss with poo. He also has been saving up his poop and pee for when he comes home from a walk in the cold and rain. I did buy him a red coat from Bosley’s hoping he’d defecate more readily. Then today he did. Hooray!!!! Hallelujah!.  The books on dog house breaking say show excitement. So this morning the neighbours saw a mad man out side near dawn.  I was jumping up and down.  Mordigan was running in circles. I was thanking him and taking his precious poop in my little blue poo bag.  What a wonderful day!

Covid continues. The talk is now of vaccines and side effects.  The speculations and trepidation is nearly the level that the Vietnam War held for us Canadian youth. Should we join?   Would the war spread?  Give peace a chance.  Will the vaccine do anything more than make a lot of filthy rich richer.  Will governments like to flex their muscles of control? Was it necessary?  SARS and Ebola kind of burnt out.  HIV continues with protection.  The human immunological systems are amazing. We live longer with each scientific advance. Yet Gates believes in reducing the world population by billions.  That NEW World Order of the corrupt WHO and diabolical UN agrees with Agenda 21 and the Davos 2030 aim to Save the Planet, Kill non essential humans.  

The science of the new MRNA vaccines is the same science that extended life and cures in immunotherapy for cancers.  I believe in vaccines. I believe in the devastation of disease. I’ve seen the miraculous cures of modern medicine and big pharma.  The research is amazing. Parallel to the world of the microscopic and sub microscopic we are watching SPACE X and NASA make amazing strides forward in the outer world. 

Maybe the elite as usual, they create and wage wars then bet on both sides, are taking no risks. Maybe they’ve put their money on the vaccines and on a Mars Escape pod in case the vaccines don’t work. Someone noted that the Zombies of fiction didn’t begin with disease but with the vaccines.  Some of my left wing friends are talking with zombie like gaze of the characters in Brave New World and 1984.  Mythical scarey times with the Secret Police name for truth, ;conspiracy theory’ and Zuckerberg’s Facebook information censors,  the newest group of liars, all trained in Goebbels and rhetoric. Truth has followed music on the last train to the coast.   

I’m old and feeling more and more vulnerable and alone. Meanwhile I know God is good. God is good all the time. Jesus is the Son of God. Jesus is pure man and pure God. Not a chimera. The mystery is sacred. I’m touched by the transcendental and spiritual experiences I’ve had personally held by the love of God. I’ve no doubt that this is a temporary place.  I am in God’s waiting room.  I’m a spiritual being living in a temporal existence. When I die I pass into a heavenly realm. My family and friends who have gone before will greet me. The Shining Light that is Jesus will be there. Dr. Moody’s work on NDE confirmed all I already knew. Just like Neurosurgeon Eben Alexander’s Proof of Heaven spoke to the soul. I will be reunited with my dogs and cats and feel love and peace. I have dreams and visions of beyond.  I have known 4th dimensions and synchronicity.  I have no difficulty with the idea of trusting God and fixing the roof. I live in this world but I’m not of this world. Jesus said Do not be afraid. Yet if this was all there was existential angst and the world of Kafka and Camus would prevail. Certainly the politics of this pandemic, the government explanations and the public health government recommendations are too often “theatre of the absurd.”

I was a teen hippie before I was an adult yuppie before I was an aging eccentric.  I’m today mostly caring about carrying water and hauling wood. Day to day existence is my focus. I live as much in the now as possible and I seem to do the daily routines quite well.  I don’t know the anatomy I knew when I did surgery but I seem to find neuropharmacology quite straight forward.  People ask me questions. I give answers. Textbooks and papers and experiences all guide my answers.I don’t know about the future. I’m good for thinking tomorrow or the next day will be okay.  I’m uncertain about the future and have more and more difficulty responding to the fears of my patients. 

Just like the teen ager who told me , “Why not do drugs, the Prime Minister did drugs and look how well he’s done!!!”  I’m struggling with discouraging crime as people instantly tell me that they know criminals who got off and criminals who are out in the country. I’m supposed to be supporting the prevailing wisdom. But I don’t know. I can only turn questions back to people. What do you feel? What do you think?  I used to be more confident in my own answers. 

In the midst of the pandemic, when doctors are supposed to be saving lives, the mental health epidemic with daily deaths and increasing insanity is deemed irrelevant. Indeed Trudeau at the height of a pandemic begins giving himself a raise, and pushing euthanasia for the country. Marketing MAiD and guns laws took off like wild fire along with supporting criminal trespassers now with some euphemistic name.  It’s all too crazy. 

Another day mushes into the next.  I ,like that my colleagues, seem to be holding up like soldiers in the trenches in an insane war at Christmas time. I’m hoping we’ll play soccer between the lines regardless of the fear and hate the leaders of the various factions are promoting. It’s Christmas.  Baby Jesus. The Good News. The Gospell. Christ is born. Christ has died. Christ will come again. Not a New World Order promoted by the elite for the elite with the finance minister telling us she wants to access our savings. In India the government declared the old money no good and created a new money because half the economy was hidden in mattresses after that countries brush with Communism and the war between Islam, religion of peace and Hinduism, the religion of tolerance.  I’m Christian and Christians are the most persecuted in the world .I’m reading now the history of the three hundred years of torture and murder of any who said the name Jesus Christ.  Millions of Christians have died and today are being killed in Communist China, and by ISIS and by the African communists and Muslims.  Yet science has discovered an personality disorder which focuses on those who persist in holding a grudge. The winner writes history and the academics are paid most when they support tyrants. 

I’m praying. It’s hard to mediate with the puppy biting exposed fingers and toes.  My sitting cross legged at this level is clear invitation to play. He is never solemn. He is either napping or in busy play mode.  

I read a lot. Laura is over and we watch tv and I cook. I make meals and we eat too much.  Sleeping with her here is comforting. Two against the darkness with the light of Madigan  at the end of the bed. He is a breath of hope and source of hilarity.  

I’m playing Christmas music. Each year I try to find what I left over from the year before. Bits of decoration. A red sweater. I bought gifts from Aran Island for the girls. I loved talking to the girl with the most beautiful Irish accent. I’m nostalgic this season remembering the joy of my mother and aunt, those two sisters who laughed so much when together.  The joy of the season.  Dad and my brother. Grand parents, uncles and aunts. Now I’m the last. I reach out to cousins and nephews.  It’s Christmas season. Season of family. The church is persecuted.  Sex stores and liquor stores and other government venues and sources of revenue are promoted but this government hates Christians and hastens to destroy them. The zoom meetings continues. I will miss Messiah this year. A tradition of gathering for Handel and for Bach.  I muddle and keep on trucking but these sources of inspiration , the theatre and symphony, are missing.  I love nature and that is still good, the walks each day with Madigan.  Sometimes Laura can be encouraged to join.  She used to love walking Gilbert. The two of them had special morning walks when she’d wait and let him sniff everything.  I love the bird watching and naming. I have pictures of so many this year.  Nature has so much to offer. Seasons and sights but it’s hard to play with covid. AT this time I admire friends who are going skiing.  Neither Laura or Madigan want to go out in the cold and rain.  

I want to be on a beach.  I liked that Westjet began Honolulu flights with Life Lab covid testing slips.  January will be better. Every day it’s better but there’s that overlapping sense with aging. That feeling that the shoe might drop. Ive been okay till now but tomorrow I might die. That’s the truth but its all in the denial of death.  It’s the way that death is presented by the deeply evil and sick media, as if it’s something to be avoided or something utilitarian to be done because the old are useless. I”m an old elephant and old dog and old warrior and old hero and I object to these skewed and limited binaries of government and media. 

I miss freedoms of speech , religion and congregation.  Admittedly the government was training the Communist Chinese in secret military tactics and CSIS said that Canada was infiltrated to the highest levels of government by communist Chinese and the leading political philosopher says Canada is now a ‘gentle dictatorship’.  It all just means that I feel I’m no longer young and can’t rely on my body to fight off threats. I’ve won so many fights and I’m old and tired from years of mixing with the dirtiness and filth of the sordid opposition who have nothing but the desire to steal and take lives. They have wasted so many years of my life already.  Nonsense. Thorough arrogance and smugness. 

Yet that’s all past.   The scars and pain can too easily destroy the day and steal the wonder and joy of ‘carpe diem’.  I’ve had the greatest life with the most wonderful experiences and love. I’ve had the best of parents and even the best of ex wives despite the later insanity and addictions in later years.  Today I’m alive and well and I have Madigan and Laura comes to be with us. We have friends.  The home is warm and there’s running water. I have all the amenities of a near by mall and enough money to get through today and even tomorrow despite the government taxing the very air we breathe. . I’d like the choice to fly to Ireland or visit Aberdeen or go again to Italy or Brazil. But these are Cadillac problems in face of  Covid. My life is bliss compared to those older than me, the old imprisoned in nursing homes waiting death victims of government lies and communist callousness.  They took the old people’s money and lives and denied them the promises of Canadian values, caring for the old.   Living through a veritable plague tortured by the absence of friends. Dad called that time ‘solitary confinement’. The old are abused and prisoners. I would rather die by my own hand not some government Solyent Green bizarre get rich off the latest death program of bureaucrats and politicians.  They never read Arendt.  They don’t know Kafka’s Castle.  And they pride themselves on reading google but never read the Bible. 

It’s Sunday. I’m truly blessed.  Madigan has stopped attacking my toes and is napping.  God is good.  God is love.  Thank you Jesus.  Hallelujah!!!!

Dec. 9, 2020 Wednesday Journal, Hallelujah

I don’t know what to believe . The information and disinformation has reached an all time high. The government, especially the burearcratic elements have become highly suspect. The UN Agenda 21 appealed directly to the senior un elected individuals , promising a socialist communist utopian world. The European Economic Union with it’s outrageous expense and layers upon layers of administration and corruption only possible with big government and little oversight is the flag ship.  USSR has fallen and Communist China has only maintained it’s place with an internal police force and surveillance the likes of what the Stazi only dreamed of.  Now Davos 2030 has become the wet dream of power hungry billionaires and pompous little dictator wannabe’s.  

Trudeau our terribly deficient, immoral and unethical PM, a pawn to who knows what foreign forces and what corporate interests , begs Canadians to join the GREAT RESET.  His father served only himself and the city states of Montreal Toronto, an urban machismo whose wife was barely more functional than Stalin’s wife.  Now the son, this incestuous dynastic anemic entity of modern marketing and Hollywood afternoon soap opera, promises us a Utopian release as the screws of big government turn harder with more and more lockdowns and loss of freedoms. 

Freedom of Speech was lost with the fining of the comedians. Islamaphobia and hate speech meant only the courts could say what was ‘free speech’. The claims to protect citizens from violence meant that Canada produced more and more weapons of war as a country while disarming citizens collectively in the ancient ritual of dictatorship.  No Freedom  of Assemby now.  Lockdowns kill more than Covid and destroy the soul of people once free. Immigrants who never knew freedom rush to the west for ‘free stuff’in preparation for another Sharia sate. Allah be praised. My God. Not your God. Kill anyone who disagrees. Kill the cartoonist first.

It’s only okay to March for the State Branded Fashion of the Month, anti God rallies. Sex stores remain open. Bars remain open. Criminal club houses remain open. Pot shops remain open. But families can’t gather and places of religion are closed, Christians and Catholics collectively persecuted. What is ‘essential’ or valued by the STATE, Trudeau’s cronies, like big corporate business and big malls but not small businesses, they are okay.  How many hands have been greased? The level of corruption never before known in Canada. A banana republic kind of corruption, billions missing.  Third world corruption, Millions claimed for tree planting when not a tree was planted. Charities that are anything but. Slush funds and money laundering. The Hell’s Angels and Mob and Tong appear a no worse alternative to this collection of rogues who want us to spend our savings so they can tax them more.  Extortion on a grand scale. The Irish finally hid potatoes to survive the winter when the English wanted it all. So Trudeau and the George Soros secretary Freeland want it all. Clown egos reminiscent of history’s ‘Il Puce!” The government is exposing the bank accounts. Surveillance is every where.

All this in the middle of a pandemic.  The government we are supposed to trust tells its citizens to stay inside while criminals roam through cities killing them with illegal guns only to have the arrogant unethical sex crazed beastie  jump on the opportunity to blame the rural folk and hunters who have already been taxed to the ultimate to the ultimate but no one cares. Deny, deny, deny. Lie, lie, lie. 

The urban youth don’t even know how to cook. The incompetence and dependency of the youth on government in the great parking lot they call home is such they are thankful when the great pretty boy sock man opens their fast food outlet. They keen orgasmically rolling on the ground with praise of the government as it directs them as a mob against the latest selected victims. Racism the government cries! The mob attacks while the black face laughs like Nero.  The masses  destroy small businesses , the workers and the creators.  Sexism the government cries!  Men are castratted on mass their children taken from them by the state controlled courts. The judges are given more status than ever before but only if theyto rule according to the whims of the elite. The law in the land has gone to the song of identity politics. No justice for all. Favoritism and privilege in divide and conquer are sold by the state. Corruption at every turn. 

Even the attorney general is raped of power, cast aside,  when she questions the great penis that struts across the stage.  All the promises of fertility are gone. There is no wealth. 10% poverty and a despicable embarrassment to a great Sikh religion hovels to Mamon. Fathers are vilified. Grandfathers are killed. Bastard  are left and  at the feet of the rougher less present ever meaner looking spirit,  almost Satanic, that’s appears now and then from the basement of his parents to babble incoherently. 

The adolescent always knows how to save the world but can’t manage his own allowance.  Now I’m lost.

Vaccines are coming along. Moderna, Zeneca, NBios.   I’m so pleased with the science. But the media lies and the government use the dire crisis for it’s own nefarious purposes. I’m made to doubt . I’m lost.  Here each day the cries of millions about the lies of corporate interests, the lies of government reverberate through society as more and more of by colleagues don’t take a knee but rather kneel and pray.  The flip flops of the public health doctors in the city are undoing. One moment they are flippant and next moment they call upon police to count the layers of the mask you are wearing alone in a fetal ball. 

The corrupt WHO is still quoted as an authority like some sort of raving lunatics quote Mein Kamf . How quickly do people forget the tyrant and war monger Xi Jinping , the greatest murderer of this century. His prisons are full and his armies millions. He continues to loot and genocide Tibet. He used the Release of Covid from the Wuhan Military Controled lab to  invade of Hong Kong, breaking countless laws and international treaties. He raises a flotilla to invade Taiwan but only when Australia, Japan and America come to its relief, he laughs, gaslighting the world. He says it was only an exercise’. He and Trudeau may as well wear wife beater t shirts and pretty socks. .  India is invaded and the hated brown people are killed by the dozens. Blacks are persecuted Canadians are taken hostage.

Communist China made  alliance with Islam and North Korea,.  All it’s  neighbours are  terrified of Xi Jinping emotional instability and psychopathic zeal: An adult version of little Kim. Xi Jinping then bought the WHO for a few billion dollars after unleashing the Zombie Wuhan Military Lab Virus on the world killing the elderly. All the old elephants are dying and the young are so propagandized by the bought media they don’t know the Wisdom of the Tusk. All they see is the long toothed.

Trudea extends the euthanasia of Canada to children and the mentally ill. In the classic doublespeak of 1984 this tyrant of the lowest order claims to be killing the lonely and the poor for their own good.  The elite don’t seek death with their countless houses and child sex slaves. They all loved Epstein’s island. 

Poverty is the reason for most abortion. Canadian’s under his father’s destruction of the economy couldn’t afford to have babies. Women en mass forced to work and told it was what they wanted and they were free. Yet overnight two adults couldn’t afford a home or a car as the elite laughed at the marketing moguls infiltration of the education system. We’re serving you, the government said , while offering to kill their citizens.  

Trudeau sold 80 billion dollars of death and war  material this summer. War is what requires fuel and mines.  90% of Canadian raw material has gone to the manufacture of weapons of mass destruction. His friends are criminals and terrorists. SNC Lavalin has just one division for building war machines and another for rebuilding towns destroyed by war. 

The Chinese make poison and antidotes and sell them hand in hand. 

I’m ready to walk off into the wilderness again. I don’t know.  It doesn’t matter if a vaccine kills me. I’m dead. This world has nothing left for me. I’m a Christian and know that God is Good all of the time.  I have only my faith.  This government has shown time and again it doesn’t care. 10% unemployed. Already it’s demanding back the money it said was free and everyone is overnight a prisoner. The student loans were the first chains and now it’s CERBS.  Meanwhile Sophie has 2 nannies and his mother gets millions to talk for the WE charity which is no Charity but just a tax evasion like the trust funds and other lies of the elite. 

I am working today to stop people from suiciding. Im helping people not relapse. I’m treating depression, anxiety and psychosis with medication. I’m cautioning people not to kill their family because they will go to jail. But the criminals are turned lose. Thousands of illegal alien felons who were rejected for citizens because of vast histories of murder and rape are lost to the the police who have no resources because the government has scapegoated the individuals while the systemic corruption of the parachuted leaders focus only on the latest political demands of the frightening tyrant with the pretty hair.  His father had the girls screaming with the red carnation in the lapel and movie starlet beards surrounding him while his media cronies claimed he was so intelligent. Like the Cretan Marx and the murderous thug Lenin. He turned the tanks on the citizens and used the troops on Canadian soil to cement the position of tyrant handed down to his son. Now the dynastic ruler. 

I feel I am fortunate because locally there is sanity. The world has gone mad and Bob Dylan’s song blood on the saddle comes to mind but locally there’s moderation and some semblance of local concern. The government and people are still communicating.  Ottawa have moved to the Bei Jing and the Middle East but Vancouver and Victoria are still here.  

Government has used this crisis for money and control. I compare this to Singapore where the brilliant enlightened leadership have cut their salaries and do as they ask their people to do. Not like the Democrat Californian leaders who restrict Thanksgiving for everyone but gather en mass in restaurants without masks rubbing their hands with glee over the money they’ve acquired through graft and corruption. 

Here it’s not like that. The leaders follow the rules. Doc is a paragon of good behaviour. Horgan stand with the people even as Henry moves further from the science. There are outside forces and a dangerous momentum but at the centre there are still caring people who live here. Here there’s a kind of laid back moderation. The Asian and South Asian doctors at UBC alongside the best of the Russians and East European and the old British work together for the benefit of all. Really there is a kind of ‘noblesse oblige’ that persists locally. Even the media, our Global News, tells the truth when the CBC is spouting propaganda bought by it’s master. 

I’m trusting in God and the wisdom of my teachers. Every day I see the evidence of Moore’s Law. The cacophony of phony causes and rebels in search of a clause, activists who can’t clean their rooms ,are stilled by the wee small voices of truth.  Scientists and artists stand up for truth and beauty.  There’s an offering of Messiah and Christmas Presence.  Despite the attempted destruction of the church by the aetheist communists the meaning of Christmas endures.  

God came to earth and the national and world government killed him.

He was crucified.

He died. He rose again.

The Holy Spirit is here.

Christmas is the time of the year where we celebrate the return of the son. Messiah. Now is the darkest hour. The rains and snow and cold are on us. But in weeks to come, the turning of the tide will begin.  It starts with the birth of a baby.  Jesus is born. Hallelujah. 

Puppy bites likes Super steroid mosquito fangs

“They are just love bites,” she said from a safe distance

I had phoned her for support.  She was waking. I imagined her blond hair astray across her face, her night ware in disarray, the softness of her and scent of her.

“They’re fangs. Like mosquito bites on steroids. A jaw full of discarded DTES razor blade needles.”

The new puppy was going through another phase.  Last week he was pooing strategically where I walked.  I had pee pads and poo pads all over the floor. I carried a flash light now first thing in the morning. Using it to safely reconnoiter the space to the light switch. 

Now the poop and peer attacks have lessened. The teeth are what matters now. 

“I think he knows. I think he’s Hal. A computerized dog that is gaslighting me and being controlled from some distance place for pure malfeance. He’s a tiny beast but a beast no less. He’s sits right behind me where ever I am. I’ve forgotten and twice nearly fallen backwards over him as he screeches and squeals. I’ve nearly died trying to maintain my balance and can tell he’s not hurt. Offended but not hurt. Then he’s at me with hist teeth.  I tried to puppy proof the place but every day I find he’s found something that could be dangerous. I don’t know but he’s clever. Telling me I could suicide if you don’t serve me.  Is marker pen toxic? He had a marker pen. He keeps finding coins, pennies.  Under sofa, I suppose. But I’m immediately wondering how I can do a Heimlich maneuver on a tiny dog. I think he knows far more than he lets on.  Inquisitive.  Constantly busy and then he crashes like one of those Borg units that needs to recharge.  He’s not natural.”

“He’s a puppy. He adores you. “

Her voice is soft and throaty. She hasn’t had coffee yet. If I were with her I could run my fingers over the softness and wonder of her. Her breasts are so beautiful my chest hurts when I see them half exposed under the morning covers.  Her eyes hold galaxies of light in their depths reaching deep into the soul.   I am reassured by her voice. It’s playful. 

“You can say. You don’t have scars of little fangs like snake bites on your thigh. He attacked my thigh. I think I blocked a direct attack on my genitals. I could have been permanently mailed. Don’t you care?”

“You know I care about your genitals. I care about you.”  I like that she’s said that. I suspect I was fishing. The male insecurity. The constant need for reassurance hidden deep down but never that far from the surface.  The stiff upper lip. The strong and confident. All a show.  Then she exposes everything.  The depth of uncertainty. The desire for company. The joke of aloofness and independence.  In a pout a man can be a hermit for life.  But really heaven is to hold her.  

“You are certain,” he’s not Satan’s spawn.” I can tell I’m weakening in my resolve.  

“He’s not evil. He’s a puppy. He probably didn’t mean to bite you that hard. He’s just learning the world. He’s at that all mouth phase. Babis are like that. He’s also teething. His real teeth are growing under the baby teeth. It feels good and gives him relief to chew.  He doesn’t know how much pressure to apply. He’s just learning. “ I imagine she’s brushed her hair from her face. She’s quite angelic. Her high cheeks are glorious in the morning light. I love to watch her breath when I wake before her.  At dawn. 

“So will you be coming over this weekend.  I need some relief. Even if he’s just a puppy, his constant demands are driving me mad. I can’t even go to the toilet without him shadowing me.”  I’ve not said I needed her. I’ve made it clear it’s just about the puppy.  I’d hate to give the wrong impression. I’ve been hurt before. Not puppy teeth but more like Mayan ceremony of sacrifice to the rain God, Chaac , the beating heart torn from the living chest.  

“I’ll be there on the weekend. After my clinic,” she says.  “I’m so looking forward to seeing him. And you, of course. Love you.” The phone connection ends. I look at the end of the couch and his eyes have opened. He’s been listening. Now he’s watching me.  Only Hitchcock could capture the moment.  Just before the puppy calls the other puppies and they descend like crows to peck out the eyes of the human sacrifices.

I look at this a little puppy a while longer.  He stretches as he wakens more before padding towards me  to climb in my lap.  I lift him up, his tiny black and white fur covered  body, hardly hand sized. I lift him to my face looking into the depth of his eyes as his little red tongue flicks out and licks the tip of my nose.

I needn’t worry about her breaking my heart. The once slippered dance of love now jack booted and work booted and coupled with arthritic pain. 

This little guy tore the heart right out of my chest the first moment I saw him.  He’s just been licking up the blood ever since.  Mischievous from the start.  They are both trouble. 

Waves of Internet

Waves of internet

Flow through me

Paranoia

Grandiosity

Information

Disinformation

Elite and poor

Breathe in

Breathe out.

Dec. 8, 2020. Tuesday, the Marathon

John Lennon died today. I remember that.  It affected me more than the Kennedy shooting. I was younger and the Beatles rocked my world. I love the “Give Peace a Chance’ and all the outrageous Beatles actions. John Lennon mixed intellectualism with pop culture. Later I’d see the adolescent nature of so many of his remarks but young myself I’d found a spokesperson. I was afraid of the Vietnam War and the Cold War and just wanted to live and love.  All I wanted back then was to get in bed with a beautiful girl, and enjoy life.  Sex and chocolate, not war.  Give Peace a Chance.  I’m afraid.

Now to the outside observer I was a tough kid, smart kid who won fights wit kick boxing when everyone was still in the ‘put up your dukes’ era of fighting.  I’d face knives and later guns and be surrounded by swat teams and military units but I’d never lose the fear that this time I might crack.  I’d stood up to so many threats and persevered. But I was afraid.

I’m afraid today. Jesus said “Do not be afraid”.  Anxiety is a measure of our distance from God and our humanity.  Desire is suffering.  But then I did my time as a stoic.  Years in church and years of day long meditations, fasting for weeks, going without food, years with out even masturbating let alone sex, a life in a library and all that delayed gratification as part of the God seeking.  What am I doing here on this planet now and what is my purpose. What is my meaning. I studied science and holy texts of every religion and settled down to the rigours of a theologiy degree. More paper on the wall. Still I cry out, “my god why hast thou forsaken me’ and I’m long past the age of crucifixion.  I’m no longer torn through my being by love lost and the disappointment of women or the shame of men. I’m in God’s waiting room.  Death eyes me daily.  I’ve seen death up close and now it lives with me.  Every time I get on a motorcycle or walk outside in the city.  This could be it. Cancer or disease could be in me. I live as if life is eternal but here on earth there’s a suspiciou of mortality.  Others died and perhaps so shall I.  

I believe in a multiverse and that I carry on. In heaven. After death.  But what if this life isn’t a punishment or something I have to escape from. Maybe this was a reward for time well spent. Maybe life is a gift, a garden of eden without the fall. Maybe it’s to be lived fully, epicurean, loved, embraced. Maybe I shouldn’t play it safe. We’re not here for a long time but a good time.  

Why does it matter if I did in my bed at a hundred or at 20 of an overdose or from diabetes for too much chocolate or a heart attack playing golf drinking whisky or a fall climbing Mount Everest. Why does it matter?  Why have children or not have children? Each choice assumes a myriad of conditions. Yet here I am today and only this day lies a head of me.

I’m called eccentric, radical, different and admit to climbing mountains, sailing oceans, marriage and divorce, sex with men and women and shooting guns, hunting fishing, and meditation days on end, or kneeling in prayers and living in old libraries.  I’ve still got that ancient fear. The existential angst.  I wonder if I’m really doing what I’m supposed to be doing. If there’s a plan. God’s word.  I follow it for others. The Golden rule.  Jesus said, Love God and Love your neighbour as yourself.  C.S. Lewis said there are 4 loves, Agape, love of God, Eros, sensual love, folios, brotherly love and I forget the fourth which I would guess was family love.  Agape, Eros and Filios are what I remember. Then I looked it up and the last is ‘affection’ love.  Acquaitenances etc. 

Younger I searched everywhere for meaning and truth and love.  Carl Jung said it was within.  Paramahansa Yognanda talked of the self and the 5 senses.  Vonnegut said we are peepholes on reality.  AA said ‘we’ll love you till you can love yourself.’  Namaste says ‘the god in me salutes the god in you’. We are one.  There is this intelligence in all. I wrote the song for university , sung by the choir, so many years ago. “I am God, you are god. God is greater than we are.  Yahweh’. The madrigal that served instead of a research paper. Later I’d write a paper on comparative heavens considering the religion by the reward and concluding only Christianity and Taoism appealed.  Valhalla seemed like a long of work fighting in heaven for ever despite the daily new body. Same with 72 virgins. I am here happy with an old friend.  

In Covid everything has shrunk. The friendship circle, the contact with family, the entertainment. It’s very vanilla. Going to get the mail is an event, the cause for going out, the excuse for fast food on the same trip. Last night the puppy and I had MacDonalds. He loves MacDonalds and I loved the change from my own food preparation.  

He let me meditate today and only attacked me when I was doing sit ups.  I kept my eyes open because he tried another day to nip my balls or butt when I was doing sit-ups. I wear a night shirt to bed and try to exercise a bit after meditation.  I can tolerate puppy body on top of me in the yoga stretches but the sit ups were where I was vulnerable.  Ironically all I had to do is keep my eyes open and watch him.  Then coffee and yogurt and a protein bar. Now it’s shower and dress and walk. Then another day of intense difficult exhausting work and ever the time pressure. I don’t know what to do differently. I’m trying to clean up the clutter. My priority is the puppy. He allows no other Gods but him.  I am waiting for a vaccine like everyone.  I doubt the whole political world today, don’t trust the especailly evil politicians in Ottawa., have a little more confidence in the local lot but all of them seem like a gang intent on stealing. I fear aging in poverty. I see middle class people in food lines and hear of patients without heat in rooms or cock roach infested dwelling and they like veterans did the deal. At the end the nursing homes have been a disaster zone. When I foresee I’ll be vulnerable there will be no one to protect me from the government.  I want to see a different end. An accident on Mars rover. A crash while test flying a new air ground motorcycle.  Not this recurring vision of Nurse Ratchet, the immigrant lady who hates Christians or men.  Or sex.  I watched the black nurse lord it over the white men in the nursing home and know that if it hadn’ t been for my sister in law my father would have had more abuse.  Caring for Mom and Dad showed us how the government didn’t care for the old except those who had money and Dad had his pension with the whore tried to get from him after a life of spending and drugs.  There I was protecting my good father and mother in their 80’s housed with street people, these two wonderful middle class folk who were no longer protected from the clever that had served the gutter, stealing in the night and trying to extort. I remember the bullies I fought in the institutions who were protected by the authorities .  Even now our government pays for terrorists and lets criminals out of the jail,

Justice.

Well I’m afraid.  

There is no solace in this life.  Today I am relatively safe. I must watch for my expectations as they are preformed resentments. I must seize the day. Live in joy. Listen to the memorized prayers. This too will past.  All shall be well.  The Lords’ Prayer. Hail Mary.  All shall be well.  May the long time sunshine always surround me. All day I will listen to nails scraping on window panes. I am doing okay but the 10% unemployment , the fear and anxiety.  

I remember almost dying twice in rip tides.  

Right now this Covid is a marathon. A trek. Like life. Not a sprint. It’s a message too.  I thought I was spiritual but I’ve still so much further to go.  Now another coffee and a shower. I’d love to lie in bed in youth naked making love.  “Broken Radiator, hammers beating on the sign downstairs, you and i have risen played our love games on the squeaky bed, oh the squeaky bed.’ That was the poem I wrote 40 years ago,in love and filled with joy, innoscent , my heart not scarred, my mind not corrupted, the piles of bs, looking like manure through my rose tinted glasses.

John Lennon was assassinated .  The Bolsheviks believed in assasination. That’s why Lenin, Stalin, Molotov, and Trotsky beat the Mensheviks.  Steal a little and they put you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king.  Spiritual warfare wages.  Do not be afraid. 

Dec. 7, 2020. Advent, Christmas is coming, Rejoice

I awoke today. A deep nights sleep in my own bed.  The puppy slept under the bed at the end of the bed, a little cave to the side first found and made a living space by Gilbert, Madigan’s cockapoo processor. Climbing off the bed I saw one of the two comforters had slid off the bed and was piled on the floor. Still no sound of Madigan.  “Omg I’ve smothered him,” I thought pulling the comforter quickly off the floor. He groggily stumbled from beneath the bed tail wagging.  “Thank God you’re alive!”  I said. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?” Was his tail wagging response.

He let me meditate a bit before attacking my finger.  

I thought of all the greatest men of peace after Jesus. Buddha  and Tibetan sensai’s collectively sitting in lotus position at the border of Tibet when the Aetheist communist Chinese rode across Tibet in tanks with machine guns murdering all the peaceful people.  What Gandhi had done with the British could never have been done with the Chinese.  The Buddhist monks collectively appealed to the God within in the Chinese but there was no substance. All was shallow in that classic Marxist materialism and consumerist way.  Take Take Take.  Like the Borg they moved across creation ‘Assimiliate or Die!”  The Dalai Lama escaped to India as a child. I met him years later.  A deeply spiritual kind man .  He carried the torch.  He was a living reminder of the millions of Tibetans genocide.  His homeland was invaded with tanks and machine guns, the women raped and the children put to war.

Jesus Christ means ‘god within’, ‘god will come again.’  When I sit to pray, I speak to him and open a space for his prescence. I want God within to be manifest in my outer life. I want to be guided by the Lord’s desires for me. I want to serve God and creation. My native friends call God , Creator. I know that God the Father is.  But God the Son is my friend and walks with me.  I pray that the Holy Spirit comes.  Holy Spirit come, I pray and I wait.  I listen to my breath.  Life is breath. Without breath there is no life for me. It comes in and goes out. The basic Oxygen Carbon Dioxide cycle.  I am a carbon entity being.  I’m part of a Neuro chemical matrix.  Energy and Matter are just different speeds of star stuff.

  I awake today and know I have today. Yesterday is a memory. Tomorrow is yet to come. I am thankful for my consciousness and will not do drugs or alcohol to lose my awareness. I want to live life on life’s terms. I want to be present. I know that God is in the moment and that practicing the prescence of God is being here and now. Yoga is the ‘yolking’ of the mind to the body , to the God in all.  The sacred is ever and always.  My monkey mind or ego is not me. I am a child of God and a spiritual being living a material existence.  Today I will do my best to be the best I can be helping others as I can with my training and experience, compassionately.  I will honour my teachers and try another day not to use vulgar language but to rise up to the finer rarer heights of communication. I will not judge in the negative superior way but use discernment to guide my action and words. I pray for awareness and ability to serve my God and fellow man the best way possible. I am thankful for this day and the skills and capacity I have to be of use. 

My dog is sleeping now.  He really is adorable. All is forgiven. In his busy moments, manic and unfocused, impulsive and almost satanic, he’s a mischievous little devil. I resist calling him monster, this bipolar creature will then crash like he is now. Thoroughly adorable. A peaceful therapy dog beside me resting his little puppy body next to my thigh.  Trusting , loving. 

He’s such a responsibility. I’ve carried so much responsibility for so many years and done my duty.  I entered a profession and took a former oath with a hundred other classmates. I know that my leadership today has failed that oath in many ways but that is no reason for me to be less.  There are truly leaders who have not only kept their oath but have done so in a way so much beyond my own capabilities. I must focus on the light and not on the darkness. I must celebrate the good.  

I am thankful these days for Elon Musk’s inspirational Space X program. I’m thankful for the biochemical and pharmaceutical researchers, those amazing doctors labouring through the night to develop new cures and defences against disease.  I am thankful to be apart of that adventure even though I’m little more than a single soldier on a long line in an army of light.  I’m reminded of Arjuna and Krishna or David and Saul.  These great metaphors of morality.  There is an intuition within me that guides me that helps me to know.  It’s is why I don’t do drugs or alcohol because that interferes with the connection to my soul or my conscience.  Namaste. God within.  Holy Spirit come.  

I will put on the armor of God for today.  I will read verses from the Bible. I will study medical texts and turn to Digital references all day. I will search the latest research papers for their assistance.  There is only 8 or 9 hours I have to do this work. 

Then the puppy and I can walk again. We have to walk this morning.  I don’t like waking in the dark.  Were it not for Advent and the rituals that guide us through the Eclesiastical Calendar I’d be forlorn. To think of shopping occasions as the meaning and being of life is dreary to the max.  Black Friday. Christmas Shopping. Boxing Days.  It’s mid winter and the promise of spring follows .  Hogmanay comes.True we’ve added the Christian story to the midwinter tale but it’s a story too of hope. The sun is coming. The Son is coming.  Hallelujah!

Thank you Jesus.  Covid 19 will pass. They said the Acid Rain would kill us. Then it was one catastrophe after another in the endless Cold War and constant media sensationalism and hysteria. Meanwhile I’ve loved and lost and loved and won. I’ve grown old in this life so dominated by the aches and reminders of former years of glory and near death.  I have my scars.  The memories are good.

My nephew told me that his wife is back to work. My sister in law Adell drives a couple of hundred miles to care for Finn my great nephew.  She spends Monday to Thursday with the little guy letting her son and daughter in law serve in their work and ensuring that family cares for the precious new member.  My sister in law has a heart the size of an elephant mother. I think of my own mother and how she cared for us. I remember her walking with us in winter at 40 below to the hockey rink to help us dress in the old club house with the coal stove so we could play outside.  She’d cheer us little bundled kids playing hockey. We were rotated off the bench solely to reduce frostbite and hypothermia.

Then we’d trudge home through waist deep snow. She’d  give my brother and I a ‘Wagonwheel’ cookie.  Mother love. My friend Anita is there with her daughter and grandchildren loving with her magnificent food and so very big heart.  Priest Vivian just drove across Canada in the winter to be at the birth of her new grandchild and help her daughter. Her son Steven was there too.  

Family is so important especially in the darkness of winter.  In the time when the little ones are vulnerable the mothers are there. My father and all the men stand behind them. I am as thankful for the men in my family.  Even when a father fails through sickness there’s a grandfather or an uncle or a friend that steps in.  My friends Willi and Philip and John are all the most admirable of men and their children have grown strong in their love and their mothers love. 

Even now our friends Anna and Kevin are doing the most important task of raising their children.  Anna is pregnant and little Willie is a year and some old. His sister Kendra watches him as do her brothers. The older ones caring for the young.  It’s Christmas and that’s when God’s son was born. Not this date but what we celebrate.  God of Love gave his only begotten son so that we might follow.  I am touched by all the love of family and the community that cares.  Here I am blessed to know so many grand people.  So much love is everywhere. It’s the very fabric of creation.  Eros and Thanatos. Freud said there was Life wis and Death wish.  Eros.  CS Lewis spoke of Agape.  

Agape.

Time to shower and dress and walk Madigan outside  before I enter the office and hope to be of service.

Wet dog

Our river walk

Adorable munchkin

Sunday, Dec. 6, 2020, Covid, Lockdowns, Lies and Fear

Lockdowns’ don’t work. They kill more people than Covid.  The present Covid test has too many false positives. Mass testing when we know that for every case there are a thousand others not tested is fear mongering.  The lies and disinformation and misinformation from WHO and public health persist. Antibody testing should be widespread but is only happening now. Stories that an immune response isn’t as good as a vaccine are marketing.  T Cells and statistics seem beyond the grasp of journalists. Statistics continue for ulterior motives to be presented without appropriate comparison. Government mismanagement is widespread.  One trick ponies abound. The computer projections from the UN WHO are as false for Covid as from the UN IPCC for weather change.  Everyone is fear mongering. Mass hysteria the likes not seen since Goebels

Meanwhile my puppy slept through the night, until 4 am under the corner of my bed. I was able to sleep in my bed for the first time in days. We’ve slep on the couch and he’s slept at the bottom of the couch. When he cries I let him up and he goes to the pee pad. 

The liberal government has stated that it is now going after our savings.  All those who worked and were good citizens are to be punished soundly by the Trudeau crime family.  The most unethical leader in history. I’m tired of working some days but more doctors are returning to work unable to afford retirement. The cost of living with theiving government taxes and mismanagement is disabling. I don’t know how I’d fare without an income. 10 per cent of Canadians are unemployed.  I’d manage but I was thinking of a holiday though not in Covid. I’ve been planning for years to do a 3 months trip with camper and motorcycle across Canada or down through the southern states. The price of gas due to taxation and government mismanagement of resources keeps rising. I wanted to sit in a cafe in Southern Ireland and write the great Canadian novel or visit family in Aberdeen. But the cost of meat has tripled with the Liberal governments creating self serving slush funds around the world for their own futures. Buying liberties.  Looking for places where Canada doesn’t have extradition treaties. Stealing, stealing, stealing.

Meanwhile I’m really happy the puppy didn’t pee or poop in the bed room last night .He pooped under my desk again,. I’ve taken the carpet out and washed it and put a prepad there. I thought to try kenneling but last night when I tried to let him out at 4 am he peed while waiting for me to get bundled for the rain. There I was in house gown and slippers watching him enjoying a little night life. He has not yet got the idea that when I take him out he’s to reward me with outdoor poop and pee. In fact he prefers to poop and pee in the comfort of home on the pee pads I provide. Smart dog. I can’t blame him. I love my indoor plumbing.  I love pooping on a throne.  Peeing. I like to mark my territory out camping. I could just as easily pee at the 4 corners in the city but I expect there might be some concern.  I don’t need the toilet for that  number. Girls like sitting and contemplating piddling but its pooping that I love my toilet for.  Now the dog wants to be with me when I’m having that special enjoyable private time. I look down and there’s his tail under the door. He sleeps outside my bathroom door when I shower.

I don’t like the government callously creating a psychiatric epidemic with irresponsible lock downs. I appreciate the limitations on raves but there was Trudeau forever memorable in the midst of riots thumbing his nose at law and order, the greatest hypocrite. Meanwhile the democrat leaders at the forefront of lockdowns are constantly not following their own orders. Democrats going on fishing trips in Mexico, California democrats having large Thanksgiving dinners in restaurants.  Constantly lying. Shameless and totally destructive like the Soros BLM and Antifida brown shirts.

Meanwhile I’ve done the laundry, cleaned up a lot put a whole whack of summer clothes in clear plastic bags and hung a whole bunch of clothing that was spilling onto the bedroom floor. I don’t want the puppy to pee on it. So I found my floor in one corner where a pile of socks had formed the base of the clothing mound. I had planned to sort the socks a month or so ago. Now they are in a clear bag mismatched.  If I need socks I can find them in the bag.  I roasted Ethiopian coffee.  They’ve fought off another communist take over.  Tibet has yet to overthrow the enslavement and genocide that continues there at the hands of the Communist Chinese thugs.  Islam and Communist both claim to favour peace but only when everyone is under their control. Canada continues to have the world’s buffoon bolstered by the votes of girls and people who hate Canada.

So many people don’t know what it is to be free they have come to Canada and demand their shackles.  Of course Trudeau of the pretty socks and little brain, walking puppet with ear fob control, celebrates the dictorships.  Canada has become a ‘gentile dictatorship.

I’m afraid of government more than Covid.  I’m afraid of bullies and aging. I don’t feel safe anymore.  I see the abuse of the elderly in nursing homes. So many old people in the food lines and stories of the old homeless or sleeping in vehicles.  I meet the new hobo when I walk the dog. People who once worked paid taxes and served Canada are like the Vets cast aside by the Trudeau elite.  

My puppy had torn up toilet paper , keeps finding things of mischief, prefers to chew anything but the toys I get him.  I’ve read a lot. Watched Netflix.  Walked the dog.  Got my mail. Made meals.  I dropped off a gun I’d kept for a friend who waited a long time for their PAL. Now that family is hunting together. I love the stories and it reminds me of hunting and fishing in the north with my family. These immigrant urban dwellers who grew up in parking lots and continue to live in parking lots hate people like me . I’m Canadian. I’m the real thing. I’m generations of ranchers, loggers, aboriginals and scientists but I love freedom and people who have never known freedom don’t care to see it gone.  I’m weary watching the gold stolen by the new dictator and the debts to the future stealing our independences all because girls like pretty boys and someone didn’t teach kids history.  Why isn’t Gulag Archepelago essential reading.  Why instead are all these history fashions perpetrated. 

Where are the studies of statistics. I did a year of the most painful educations ever and see the evidence of deceit in the constant ignorance promoted in the Canadian media today.

Freedom of press. Freedom of speech. Freedom of association.  All gone.

My puppy is tearing up his bed.  It’s pretty well made.  I just stopped him dragging the vacuum cleaner hose.

Trudeau lowered the age of sex with animals and wants to lower the voting age to teenagers.  

I’m just surfing. It’s a good day.  God is good all the time.  I’m feeling in limbo. Like a day at sea without wind.  Marking time. On the bench. WAiting for god to use me.  Anxiety is a measure of one’s distance from God. I must let go and let God.  This too will pass.  I’m enjoying Phillips series Man in the High Castle.  A modern look at the totalitarian that exists in Communist China and is infiltrating Canada.  I”m thankful for the pictures of puppies and birds that friends post.  I’m amazed at the beautiful women taking the time to do selfies and brightening the world. I love this one mother who wears her daughters clothes .I laught because I have trouble fitting my own clothes.  I enjoyed White Spot fish and chips picking it up on way back from the post office. I love that Madigan likes fish.  He shared my tuna sandwich too.  

The puppy will be older in a year.  He’s taken to humping too.  Aim called Gilbert the humper. She has her own hairless boy baby and I expect she’ll realize it’s what we like to do. Girls rub themselves too but don’t hump. I love the FB meme with the little boy saying his family was so poor that if he wasn’t a boy he’d have had nothing to play with.

I’m entertained watching Madigan. I do step carefully about the place. I have a urine deodorizer and cleaner at both ends of the place and another 100 pee pads arrived.  Gilbert learned quickly because he had his own yard and soon went outside.  This guy has finally learned to go down the stairs but not come back up. I have him leashed all the time.  There’s no yard.  

I’m going to have another coffee and go back to reading. I can’t stand the news in Canada. The lies are too much.  

Thank you Jesus for this life and day.  Thank you for friends and family.  My nephew arrived home so I look forward to hearing he and his partner had a good flight and are  safe.  Hallelujah. Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God. I’m hoping to make a meeting today.  I don’t know what else to do.Waiting for the rain to stop to take this busy little guy for a walk.  Help me Lord to resist the fear. 

Covid update

It’s definitely fishy.  Confusing.  Dangerous.  Selective

I felt I needed a review. I’m considering more formal education on the subject and wondered where I was now.

1. The Wuhan Lab Zombie Virus was genetically manipulated.  I believe this from all I’ve studied and the behaviour of authorities.  There was a round up of spy scientists working in 4 level virus labs in Canada and the US. The form to function research looking at how animal virus’ change to human virus was outlawed.  Dr. Fauci and the US gave millions to the Wuhan Lab to continue this research outside of the US. The French architects of the lab said the Chinese did not let them complete the lab with their people according to specification.  A lab leak occurred. I knew this when a fellow said « it could never occur’. A similaire statement was made about the Hindenburg and about Chernobyl.  The doctor’s who bravely released the story were tortured and killed. Other Chinese doctors have collaborated the original story which involved the lab worker named ‘bat girl’.  Bat woman the Chinese Communist Military doctor and virologist’s coming and going was to say the least entertaining.  The critical factor is the novel nature of the virus and it’s unknown threat potential in the spring.

2. If it was made as a ‘bioweapon’ it would not have preferred blacks and asian hosts.  Even communists are not so inept as to target their own.  The best idea was that the Communists were making a virus with the aim of selling the vaccine being made at the same time in a traditional production of poison and withholding of antidote.  The timing for the release appears to have been dictated by a ‘leak’, so called ‘bat gir’ lab worker.  The key though is that it could have been contained at that early stage. Instead it was used to invade Hong Kong, arrest leading citizens and break international laws. At the same time India was invaded and the invasion of Taiwan was planned. The Western democracies hit back hard.  World war was averted then.  

3. Faced with an unknown menace coupled with the infiltration of the WHO and subsequent lies and infiltration of the Communist Chinese spy networks, all over the west , in Europe and American, lockdowns were at the time reasonable.  People were buying time.  The same was done when mustard gas was introduced to war.  In February leading think tanks expected millions or tens of millions dead.  The Chinese cancelled 30 million phone accounts and continue to lie about the deaths in Wuhan province.  Taiwan’s response has been consistently the soundest public health policy.  So has Singapore and South Korea. 

4. The most virulent of the viruses died with the hosts they killed and as the virus spread it became less lethal. There are 7 strains.  

5. There are three major forces fueling the Covid pandemic and response by governments and media..  a) The Chinese Communist Military Threat. This is unconventional war.  b

Democrat versus Republican War. Ie election c. The Davos “Reset” -  UN Agenda 21 and 2030 - .  George Soros and George Bush and Bill Gates all promote this “One World Order” “Globalism/ Communism” dictatorship and central authority by elites.  The Unethical PM Justin Trudeau declared Covid was an opportunity for the RESET.  3. Big Pharma.  Bill Gates said for every billion dollar investment in vaccines 400 billion return was available.   The great scandal regarding Hydroxychlorquine and the falsification of research data bases and the retraction of peer researched was driven by money.  Hydroxychloroquine cost $1 a pill, Remsifer , the elegant Gilead anti viral, $1000 a pill.  Hydroxychloroquine given early had two effects, to prevent the acquisition of disease and prevent worsening of the condition keeping people from going to hospital. These three forces were competing.  It was in the best interest of the Communist Chinese Military to defeat the west.  It was in the interests of the elite global Cahill dictatorships to overturn Trump.  Trump was tough on trade with China and tough on sanctions with the Chinese ally Iran which had tested the western resolve by shooting down commercial airlines with their aggressive military which routinely attacks the west.  Communism and radical Islam each promote perpetual world war until they win and there is left only one World Government.  The more delay the more money that could be made through investment in the ‘disease model’.  On one hand there were always those making recommendations of a conventional and traditional public health basis to ‘stop the disease’ and ‘stop the spread’ while at the same time there were those who were making recommendations to increase the spread.  

5.In British Columbia where I am I watched our Premier Mr. Horgan, Health Minister Mr. Dix and Public Health Officer Dr. Bonny Henry follow the best practice health care model as was being done in Taiwan.  The WHO corrupt to the core and aligned to the Communist Chinese continued to put politics above science and reject Taiwan and indeed the South Korean and Singapore models which proved best . By comparison, the seat of the proto One World Order, European Economic Council in Brussels had the worst public health response with the highest deaths per million.

From day one there has been a most peculiar and terribly fishy approach to this pandemic. The media has been totally sensational and fear mongering. The presentation of ‘cases’ has been consistently confusing to the public.  The testing kits has been suspect from early in the process. Communist Chinese test kits have been contaminated and spread Covid. The Communist Chinese  personal protection equipment sold to the west was so faulty as to spread the Covid confirming the malicious military intent.  Netherlands said 90% of PPE sold to them by China was faulty.  In urban combat medicine the teaching is that the first terrorist bomb is meant for the civilians and the second terrorist bomb is meant for the caregivers.  Medics are taught to wait till it’s safe to rescue the injured. There was in this scenario the classic terrorist attack but at a grand and national and global level.

6 Taiwan closed the airport to Wuhan and checked plane passengers from China using Doctors’s and nurses and doing temperature assessment.  They produced free masks for their populations and instituted the wearing of masks immediately These are classic proven measures of public health.  By contrast Canada continued to have flights from Wuhan long after the US was the first country to close flights from China.  When British Columbia objected to the continued  open border,  the federal liberal government called the provincial doctors ‘racist.’.  This kind of political menace in Ottawa was persistent and extraordinary.  Dr. Tam and Dr. Fauci recommended early against masks and then later with many flips flops associated with the Communist Chinese WHO they reversed their decision and recommended masks. The joke at the time was suddenly at the baby shower the chief medical officers Dr. Tam and Dr. Fauci were recommending people wear condoms. There were many peculiar and extremely fishy stinky events like this causing thousands of doctors around the world to object only to be silenced by the media which often appeared to want to spread fear and disease. 

7. In BC Dr. Bonny Henry reported at the beginning of May that lockdowns caused more deaths than Covid.  Mr. Horgan and Mr. Dix opened the economy and social networking. 

There has been no scientific change on this position yet in the fall lockdowns were again instituted despite the medical evidence that they cause more death that Covid. The mental health epidemic with overdose deaths and the rise in suicide as well as the cardiac deaths indicate that in a most peculiar twist government is using a medical situation for ulterior political purpose.

8. The good news is that in spring there was no ‘cure’.  By summer with the sunshine the ironically Dr. Trump said would stop the spread and it did despite the skepticism of a very small fraction of elite doctors, there were several breakthroughs. Again Hydroxychloroquine used in India to protect care givers worked showing the least hospitalization among caregivers.  Zinc, Vitamin D, and Hydroxychloroquine reduced the need for hospitalization in those who contracted the Virus. Standford Research, Cruise Ship Studies and Iceland all demonstrated that the virus was much safer than the flu for health young people but tended to harm those who were over 70 and had immunological deficits, diabetes, heart disease or lung disease. Nonetheless the vast majority of deaths were in nursing home population.  Dr. Bonny Henry did a truly heroic public health management of nursing homes in British Columbia resulting direction from her actions and the actions of Mr. Dix by the least deaths. By contrast the New York Governor Cuomo did the exact opposite of what Taiwan and British Columbia did and indeed earned the moniker the ‘nursing home killer’.  

9  The British found that Dexamethasone used for those in hospital stopped the disease worsening.

10. In New York and Milan they found that respiration pressure had been too high and indeed killing patients so when patients got to the ICU they lowered the respirator pressures with breakthroughs in survival. The other simple measure was that they found that if people were kept on their side in ICU they might not need the respirator but if they lay on their back they would.  

10 The disease appeared to have a 14 period of risk with initial incubation and mild or no symptoms . 50% of all people who contracted the virus did not know they had it. 80% of all cases were mild.  However if the condition progressed it appeared to wear people down with the horrendous difficulty breathing, described as feeling like the lungs were glued shut.  Remdesifer the antiviral reduced the length of disease from 14 days to 10 days.  Avifavir , the Russian Japanese antiviral reduces the severe illness to 4 days.  Finally Regeneron, the two monoclonal antibodies is said to apparently stop the disease at any stage.  

11.  The key aspect of President Trump’s illness and recovery is that it occurred in days.  By contrast when the British PM in the spring developed Covid he was sick for weeks.  If President Trump had become ill in spring it is likely he would have died. By contrast in months the medical research community and advances in understanding of the disease lead to a miraculous recovery.  

12. This again has occasioned hundreds if not thousands of doctors to question the political measures of the ‘lockdowns’ and the various economic and political and police measures being taken for what is essentially now a ‘treatable disease’.  UBC, a leading research centre in the use of anti viral treatment for cancer with the world renown Abcella labs doing the most cutting edge antibody research, has had spectacular recovery rates. Indeed deaths appear to be almost limited to those seventy or over with two existing major life threatening illness.

13. By contrast in the mental health epidemic, the fentanyl overdoses have escalated to five a day in Vancouver. The fentanyl also comes from the Communist Chinese where the Communist Chinese Military could stop the export but too date have been complicit in its exportation.  The critical factor statistically is found in ‘potential life lost’. In the Mental Health Epidemic the overdose victims are commonly in their 20’s and the suicide victims collectively are in their 50’s or under. When you compare the potential life lost the deaths from mental illness are 10 to 100 times that of covid.  The carnage is unprecedented and made worse by lockdowns and the restriction of essential services. Mr. Trudeau insisted that pot supplies and alcohol supplies be considered essential while denouncing church and showing incredible favouritism to the mosques that remained open in places .All this mismanagement and cronyism by the government at the federal level in addition to the grossest of health care errors has been overall contrasted by the reasonable approach to health care in British Columbia.

14.  It was said that if the economy could be ruined then the population would support the Democrats over the Republicans. The Democrats have been great allies of the Communist Chinese as have the Liberals in Canada.  There has been a keen division in public health response in the US with economic shutdown in democrat states versus republican states with ironically most deaths associated with democrat state New York.  Increasingly as the doctors have successfully treated Covid the politicians have mismanaged the economy and overall health care.  If the aim is to save lives that its.  Federal Canada in the midst of a pandemic has pushed through increasing euthanasia suggesting that the government is as interested in killing as saving lives.  Similar ‘fishy’ or ‘peculiar’ behaviours undermine the populations trust in authority which through it’s multiple media censorship and disinformation fear monger ing campaigns has made this a most peculiar illness.  Having been an emergency doctor in a big city hospital during the Aids epidemic I can attest to the dramatic contrast in response.

15.  We actually have potential vaccines which will make some people outrageously rich. However we have had a powerful delay in ‘antibody’ testing. Antibody testing rather than case testing, tells if a person has ‘natural immunity’.  To the horror of this doctor a leading doctor, clearly well paid, said that ‘natural immunity’ wasn’t as good as ‘vaccines’.  These ‘untruths’ have been common and if you consider that if the population were to be immune no one would have or buy a vaccine then there may be some concern.  In Germany antibody testing resulted in people being given immunity certification.  It is not clear if ‘mild cases’ bestow immunity but immunity from a hospitalized case appears to be present for each strain of the virus and last 6 months.  Annual vaccines may be necessary but alternatively antibody testing might decide who needs a vaccine.  The case testing has become rather misleading because the virus is moving through the community so that tracking and tracing is fairly poor when we are considering not individuals but groups of individuals.  Especially after the summer and opening of schools when the natural spread of the virus is increasingly bestowing ‘herd immunity’.  Herd immunity is the natural immunity of enough individuals so the spread of the disease is blocked much like firewalls block the spread of forest fires.  Herd immunity can occur with as few as 50% immune and in the worst case scenario historically required 90% immunity. Sweden appears to have achieved herd immunity despite the initial and I would argue wrong presumptions. Today thanks to the efforts of the likes of Dr. Bonny Henry and Mr. Horgan and Mr. Dix the virus spread was delayed allowing resources to be brought to bear and cures to be developed.  

16. The Moderna Vaccine has always been a major scientific advance akin to the work of Tesla in a different field.  The N Bios vaccine is also good. What is tragic is that not only has the federal government in Canada not supplied antibody testing they have not acquired the Moderna or NBios vaccine. As a front line health care worker who is at risk having contracted TB having volunteered to workin TB epidemic areas I’ve wanted antibody testing and vaccines.  To get the antibody testing I’d have to go the US where my colleagues are providing that. Meanwhile I have to wait for Ottawa. As for the Moderna vaccine I’d gladly have that was well but again I’m waiting for Ottawa. 

17. Masks work. Taiwan used them initially. The reduce the risk and spread.  To contract Covid as a rule of thumb you need to be 15 minutes 2 feet in front of a person without a mask with Covid.  It’s like HIV. Maybe some one got HIV wearing a condom but that was not the main route of transmission. Use of needles and unprotected anal receptive sex were the most risky. Wearing masks protect everyone in enclosed spaces. I loved the care and concern that my church ST. Barnabas took to protect parishioners. I was infuriated and appalled to see the Prime Minister join a riot and to hear politicians say that riots and looting did not spread disease but churches did. The picture of the Prime Minister wearing a mask in a mob of protestors will be as memorable as his black face pictures and indicated the depths to which this once intelligent scientific country has devolved too.  

18.  Small groups as opposed to large groups is good sense in an epidemic and Dr. Bonny Henry has made some very good suggests. Unfortunately the devil is in the detail. Saying that only 5 people versus 10 is legal and such draconian control measures is far fetched. However Mr. Horgan knows that a sad segment of the society will not take suggestion and will need some police action to ensure public health measures for all of us are in place.

19. The trouble is lock downs are killing more than Covid and the measures being insisted on today are too late. Case demic is the term for the persisting use of the case numbers. The virus is spreading through the community for every ‘case’ there are a hundred or a thousand unrested ‘cases’. Only antibody testing now is relevant.  Also the absolute reporting of deaths is unscientific a and fear mongering.  Canada has 35 million people . The US has 350 million people . Our numbers are superior to the US but the only relevant number is deaths per million and Belgium and the European Union have done poorly while China has lied about the millions of deaths there making the continued reporting of Chinese statistics appalling nonsense.  Based on deaths per million there is reason to hope.  

20.  What is most a concern is that 10% of Canadians are out of work, billions of Canadian government dollars are unaccounted for, corruption is rife, CSIS says that Communist China has infliltrated the Canadian Government, CAnadian Media and the Canadian Edducation systems to the Highest levels.  350 million Americans are out of work.  There is absolutely no scientific sense in arresting Christians who go to a drive in church any more than there was reason to fine people going to a drive in movie. These bizarre behaviours by officials make the reading of the Nuremberg trials essential and the study of Arendt necessary.  The Banality of Evil was the term Arendt used and certainly is a concern today with some events that are occurring in Canada, now called a ‘gentle dictatorship’ rather than a democracy. Similar in the US and Europe mob violence has been most effective in undermining authority and leading to the vary chaos that spreads disease.  Poverty is the worst of disease vectors and unfortunately tunnel vision is causing too many to not consider mental health factors now and effects of the destruction of families on the future lives of children.  Too little consideration is taken of mental health and spiritual health and addiction is being promoted by a government that has an appalling conflict of interest rubbing hands with glee as smoking and drinking skyrocket and they see tax revenue rising despite the horrendous downstream costs.

So that’s where we are today. Covid 19 is essentially a curable illness though the long term effects of the disease on the lungs and immune system will remain a concern indefinitely. However as we have seen the development of cures and we can taken hope from Moore’s Law, we will address those challenges too. We have vaccines likely very shortly and I don’t believe they will be containing micro chips. Yes, Bill Gates vaccine caused sterilization of African women and the One World Order group like Agenda 21 and the flat earth society believe the solution for the future is the death of billions of humans.  At the time of Columbus similar proponents felt that Europe was overcrowded and couldn’t sustained the medieval population. Buck minister Fuller, the American genius and developer of the geodesic dome provided couuntless solutions for population growth which haven’t even been used. The Agenda 21 death cult is a concern .  Pierre Trudeau and Morgetaller told all the catholic and Christian girls they needed abortions only to find that today Justin Trudeau says that as Canadians have killed themselves off we need to import millions of Muslims and communists. There is reason to be sceptical about just about anything that Justin Trudeau says but I’m partisan. I’m probably paranoid about him and his shopaholism and love of the great ‘RESET”.  Freud did say “maybe the paranoids are right’. The fact remains that there are concerns .  So while others don’t need to be paranoid there is reason to be concerned. Especially with lockdowns and undue focuse on a one trick pony matter when people are dying in droves because of the ‘cure’ rather than the disease. Why if lockdowns killed more than covid in May they are being reintroduced now.  What does the Canadian response with it’s censorship and communist ties have to do with the American election and the politics of Communist China.  

It’s been described as the ‘fog of war’ and thousands of doctors all over the world are raising concerns. I’m thankful that I am in British Columbia and am thankful that our province has been so reasonable overall.  UBC has been utterly impressive. Yet when I look at the BC CDC I still see communist chinese influence and no corrections on some information with undue reliance on WHO in contrast to the excellent approaches of Asian democracies like Taiwan.  I am reassuring my patients and thankful that Mr. Horgan and Mr. Dix are not as ridiculous as other politicians who appear more interested in their socks than overdose deaths. Locally its very apparent that there are major measures being taken to address the mental health problems and Ive been thankful for all the streamlining of process and the assistance I’ve received helping patients from the BC government. I am very hopeful that in the next weeks there will be more clarity and that 2021 will be a whole lot more hopeful.