Love and Lust

I concluded that I am my own best lover if only because I’m the one that has always been there.  True there have been others but at the end of the day I have found excitement, passion and peace with myself alone. I once felt guilty and ashamed. I remember I felt the same way eating alone at a restaurant.  No more.  I was born alone and will die alone.  While I remember many lovers all of who enhanced sensation and shared the wonder of human existence, I recall as well loving myself.  I’ve taken myself on dates. I once felt peculiar sitting in the cinema alone.  Now I enjoy my own company immensely and rather like my self care perhaps not as much as shared but I’ve become rather particular about the company I keep. When I was younger I was far less discriminating Today I remain adventurous with great desire for fantasy but in the end I’m rather conservative with others.  

Carl Jung spoke of anima and animus.  He described the self and the shadow.  I studied Stanislav and Checkov in theatre becoming characters by finding the roots of their personality within my own. We all have the capacity for everyone but must blow on the embers to create the blaze. I’ve fanned the flame of love and service in my day to day life but in private I still remain passionate. I love my much older friends poetry, not quite knowing any more or caring if her immensely enjoyable stanzas of erotica are present or past or simply in the imagination.  I’ve always known her to be alive.  I love the women and men who go to the gym to remain flexible.  I watch the young dance ballet and remember when I moved as they do.  Now aging I’m stiff and struggle to maintain my flexibility and stamina.  I believe those who exercise wish too to keep alive the possibility of the actual dance of the two backed beast. Others tell me they wish to live long and I wonder what’s quantity without the quality that comes with passion and with love.  Service for sure. The parents and grand parents wish to remain available to their progeny. I’ve not such duty.  That primal tie that directed so much of the living day of those is not what directs or motivates me. I’m fond of the whole but individuals don’t hold me as children and grandchildren seem to give focus to friends.  I’m here for the adventure and the journey for sure and do think of my extended family friends and community. I once lived because I knew my dog needed me but now that he’s gone I’m in between.  I don’t wish for celibacy. I once was. A year and more at times in religious training. Back in the days of fasting for weeks on end with only water and juice to sustain me.  My fasting now is alcohol and smoke. It’s been 22 years since I drank and smoked and I don’t fancy either again.  I’m alert and present in a particularly appealing way. I’m social differently too. So much that once past me now is loud. Like I have a head’s up display for my heart and mind.  I’m aware in ways I never was before and thankful for that.

I know God. I’m thankful for that too. Jesus Christ is with me when I pray and even Mother Mary makes appearances but then so do other. Right now my dog who recently died lingers just beyond this veil of life, there with family who have gone before.  Samhain is nearly upon us and I rejoice on All Saints Day.  Thank you.  Buber described existence as I and It and said that It became Thou.  Jesus comes as the stranger.  All is God and God is good.  The trinity is God the father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit.  To St. Patrick they ware within and without.  Time to dress and climb the mountain yet again.