Sunday, March 17, 2024

St. Barnabus Church

It was a close call whether I’d get to church this morning.  I slept in. After the first coffee I’d thought I’d have to get dressed in a hurry.  I did. Madigan needed a walk anyway. Once dressed all is possible. 
I actually was amazed as we arrived almost on time the service just beginning. It was March 17 St. Patrick’s day. I had my green flannel shirt and my Irish rag vest I’d bought in Dublin. 
Priest Emily gave a wonderful sermon on rebirth and resurrection in the preparation for Lent. With the help of a child from the congregation she showed how what appeared dead in nature, seeds, came to life in Spring. I enjoyed seeing the daffodils near my place were in bloom.  Madigan was glad to see his friend Fritz.  Bill was there and Patty kept the singing alive.  We are blessed with accomplished pianists.  
I enjoyed the coffee after church.  I talked with June again whose conversation and wisdom I’ve so enjoyed.  I met Jill and talked with Margaret who is such an amusing raconteur. It was good to see Bill. He was in spring clothes and not dressed for official capacity. I liked the coffee. So often I have enjoyed the coffee meeting after the meeting. People are so interesting and those in our church so diverse and amazing.  Lovely people.  





Squamish Spring Motorcycle Ride, Sea to sky highway

Friday was fantastic.  I rode my motorcycle, the new HG Nightster Special, with Madigan in his box on bag, head up, to Horseshoe Bay.  I’d done this ride so many times in past years.  I used to motorcycle to White Cliff meeting where I’d also scuba dived in the sea below many times.  Now I just loved passing Cyprus Mountain entrance with fond memories of chilli after snowshoeing up to the Cypress Mountain Hollyburn Lodge with Laura one year.  The views were incredible of English Bay with the tankers at anchor. All around snow capped mountains and the distinctive lions.

Madigan was a bit chilled by the ride despite his sweater so was glad to get off and walk.  Horseshoe Bay Ferry was just leaving and seagulls were everywhere.  I had fond memories of coming here for birthday celebrations with George. Also memories of Archie and friends.  Such great nights as well as all the fish and chips dinners at Trolls.  I walked Madigan on the shore so he could get off leash and enjoy the sunshine and freedom.  

Rogina arrived on her motorcycle and recognised me with Madigan. I suggested Trolls so we had take out Halibut and fries with their amazing clam chowder. It was great to meet up with another biker and talk rides.  Rogina loves the Horseshoe Bay ride as a break from her art studio where she paints and sculpts all day.  I just loved being in the sun and warm loving being by the sea remembering the times I docked the SV GIRI here.

The ride back to Vancouver through West  Vancouver and the serpentine trail was a delight. I ‘d ridden my first Aprilia on that road, the leather the Buell Blast and Harley’s.  More memories , more nostalagia

I loved passing where George and I had monthly ‘sole food’.  Rogina separated at Taylor way while I headed through North Vancouver to struggle with the traffic before the bridge. Glad to be past there I had a pleasant ride out to Burnaby and home.  What a great day.  

Rogina said she and Carolyn were planning a ride to Squamish next day.  I’d not done that since before covid.

I had a chiropracter apt with Dr. Ready at Klein chiropractic.  After that relief I was glad for a nap.  

It was 1 pm when Madigan and I headed out on the Harley figuring we could at least get to Britannia.  He was gung ho to ride. He jumps up on the seat and tries to climb into his box while I’d lashing it to the bike.  A mother perfect day for a ride with glorious sunshine and blue sky. I couldn’t help but think of George Harrison’s Here comes the sun as we headed up the spectacular Sea to Sky Highway.

I stopped at Britannia so Madigan could have a piddle.  I’d doubled his sweaters and he seemed to be warm enough.  Sure enough after a quick piddle he had jumped up on the seat and was waiting for me to chauffeur. 

Next stop Squamish!!  Sure enough the congregation of bikers was meeting at the Starbucks.  Dozens with all manner of ride.  I remember my first time here on the Buell and then later with the Roadster when I’d take the circle route through Pemberton to Lliloouet.  Carolyn and Rogina were there with a table of bikers. They had to buy a battery for one of their bikers like I’d needed to buy a battery for my key fob.  The alarm had gone off until I drove to London Drugs and return with a little 3 volt battery.  $6.  Meanwhile their motorcycle battery cost more than $200.  Madigan was everyone’s favourite puppy.  A joke fest was going on with Hilton remembering jokes I’d not heard since I was 8 year old.  All the now banned material.  

How can teen jokes today?  I thought given the rise of censorship in Canada .The joke fest took me back to nights on call in the north listening to bush pilots and nurses.  Humor is considered the highest of developmental coping like altruism but our government is so far removed from reality it doesn’t get the joke.  The nurse and pilots and soldiers did of course. Here were bikers and the laughter was infectious.  I admit I thought a couple of times, no more, that speeding beside a cliff on my Harley wouldn’t be a good place to have the onset of senility or a stroke.  Better to laugh and live.

Riding down the mountain was fun as a group. Reminded me of the HOG and poker runs to a whole lot of bikes.  There were the three of us with lots more passing us.  Seeing the ocean I thought of all the times I sailed the Giri up the arm and looked up at the cars and bikes.  Here I was now looking down at the ferry and fishing boats.  Perspective.  I just love the sea to sky highway and the motorcycling was at it’s finest.  

Carolyn and Rogina peeled off to cross their bridge and I continued west.  More traffic but eventually home in Burnaby. What a great day.!!! What great people!!! My HD was a great bike.  This winter I’d ridden it in Arizona desserts enjoying cactus and speed but now I’d enjoyed its excellent climbing and turning capabilities.  British Columbia is god’s country. I realized again in Southern California what a beautiful city Vancouver was with so many great activities so close.  Covid had really thrown a monkey wench into the works. I’d really not participated in the city since then and felt glad I was getting out. This ride had been an almost annual event before Covid and I was so glad to have done it again.  Next it will be the Tulip festival.  

Madigan loves the motorcycle rides to so a great companion and fun to meet up with other bikers for a coffee on a sunny day.   

















 

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Wednesday Gratitude

Thank you Lord for Wednesday.  I dreamed I was preparing for a space flight alone in a little space ship and my mentor gave me a harpsichord.  I was with a the girl saying good bye and I was worried my back would hurt and if I’d have enough space to exercise for the year. It was like I was preparing for a 9 month journey.  Between trips.  Anxious about the loneliness.

Then I read the Einstein quote about cold and darkness not being real but just the absence of heat and light. Like evil, as the absence of God. I am he, I am He, Blessed Spirit I am he. Lord Jesus Christ Son of God Have mercy on me. I’m in God and God is in me and all is God.  I love spirituality of imperfection by Kurtz and Ketcham and your God is too small by Phillips

I remember often the beautiful women who shared life with me beginning with my mother, grandmother and aunt.  They brought flowers inside and appreciated beauty bringing attention to art and music when I might otherwise have walked by.

Spaceship earth.

Spaceship self.

I worked hard a couple of days, busy, full days and the sense of accomplishment that comes from participation.  I’m am thankful to be awake this morning. I’m thankful to have this little dog as a companion. He is waiting impatiently for our morning walk. I’ve work beginning in 45 minutes and that walk is calling now.

Thank you for this body and mobility Lord. Thank you for this day. Thank you for the Impossible Dream and the writing this morning encouraging the focus on possible dreams.  I was thankful to be taken back to that time in the choir with Danny and Kirk singing Impossible Dream for the completion of high school.  I was being disruptive and Danny was really enjoying the singing.  We were being loud and the teacher asked us to mouth the words when we’d not sing softly.  She wanted to hear Danny.  We’ve enjoyed listening to Danny all these years.  I’m still being a jokester at times but am thankful that I can sing softly today and silently in my mind where the music is ethereal.  I want to hum along and sometimes sit with the gods around campfires and do just that.

Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice. Thank you God for creation .Thank you Holy Spirit.  











Sunday, March 10, 2024

Daylight savings

I went to bed last night after a movie and an episode of NCIS.  Jethro was working on his boat in his basement. I remembered dad making a boat in the garage.  I’m trying to sell my boat since age and back pain and weakness since my fall in Scotland have discouraged me from hopes of sailing with my brother or taking the inside passage to the Caribbean in preparation for an Atlantic crossing to the Mediterranean.  It’s hard to believe Ron passed so many, so few years ago.  My friends George and John died . Then Vivian in Covid. I bought sage to smudge this place after it’s time in storage. That brought back thoughts of her.  The world’s a lonelier place.  I’ve actually enjoyed my camper truck motorcycle land yacht and am even considering this beast as a nomad’s castle.  I’ve plans of visiting Hay Bay this summer.  I haven’t seen the nephews or the great nephews.  I feel so alien in contrast to their normalcy.  Adell is in pickleball tournaments and Alen and Megan are saving for a house.

I’ve signed up for a new course and now wonder about the timing.  It’s feast or famine in my life with too little or too much work.  I was beat up this weeks with one physically threatening patient and another beaurocratically threatening. Both were a product of their disease so I felt sadness for their sickness and understood that their anger with the authorities who had failed them was now directed at me the front line worker they had contact with.  Their calls are not being answered by government services and they’re been refused and cut off.  Drugs and alcohol, isolation and alienation but I’m afraid because I’ve been hit several times in the past.  These were virtual but the psychic stress of verbal abuse and biting the hand that feeds and false allegations and deceit all still come through the screen.  I was exhausted this weekend. I’ve others phoning and wanting to speak but I was emotionally raw and felt that all I could do is recoup for another week in the trenches.  I’ve also several ‘yes,but’ terribly soul sucking negative people believing in their marijuana which no longer is working like alcohol fails and now they blame me and the antidepressants for their problem.  I wouldn’t mind so much but I’ve talked with the back benchers and administrative set and they’re so far removed from reality they may as well be on the space station.  They don’t even register that our clinics now have to post signs don’t hurt the staff. Everyone is lying about the post covid mass illegal immigrations and the devastation rapid inflation by corrupt government has had on those with fixed pensions or disability.

I’m actually blessed. My dog is well. We walk several times a day even in the rain. I had him at the off leash dog park a couple of times this weekend and I even swam doing laps and getting much needed exercise.

Now I’m planning on church. I’d thought about church last night but felt with the time change confusion it would be okay if I didn’t make it .  It was Burnaby round up yesterday. I had tickets and wanted at least to go for the evening program. Yet driving at night was discouraging so Me and Ed’s lasagna and a movie instead.  

Now I really should get up and get dressed.   
 
Gratitude. Thank you for the electric blanket. Thank you for the electric heater fireplace. Thank you for the propane heater. Thank you for the warm. Thank you for Madigan. Thank for Jesus. Thank you for running water. Thank you for my health. Thank you for my mobility. Thank you for my car and truck and motorcycle . Thank you for my home and work.  Thank you for today. Thank you for incense and smell. Thank you for feeling. Thank you for sobriety. Thank you dance. Thank you for theatre.  Thank you for music.  Help me to find the time and resource to attend the symphony. I’d hoped to this weekend but maybe next.  Thank you for stories.  Thank you for plane flight. Thank you for milk and coffee. Thank you for yogurt and gummy vitamins. Thank you for thought and reflection. Thank you for reading.  

Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Holy Spirit. 



Saturday, March 9, 2024

Religion and Ritual decision

I am happy. I’ve enrolled in the Oxford Online Religion and Ritual Course.  I looked at this course a year ago and have been looking at on line courses for several years. I tried the Biblical Hebrew last internaltional course I attended but the broadband was spotty. My experience with Starlink has been so good that I feel ready again. The Continuing Medical Eduation courses at UBC and the Pacific Psychopharmacology courses on line the last couple of years have been excellent.

I’ve been in survivor mode since covid. I’ve relaxed with my time south this winter.  I really did benefit from the sun rest and working virtual only 4 days a week with the clinics.  I had a day this week with a patient threatening me because he’s been refused funding by another agency, another patient angry that I’d reported their extensive drug use in my report as a substance abuse issue.  They’re definitely precontemplation in regards to change and were uninterested in knowing the effects of the various drugs they were using on the brain. Finally another patient was psychotic and angry at me because they didn’t feel they needed antipsychotic medications despite hospitalization.  I was exhausted and all beat up and came home to see we will still dealing with the patient who threatened the clinic.  I was peripheral in that but became anxious about work wondering if I really wanted to deal with the anger so many patients have these days because of the lack of resources, high costs and horrendous delays in health care. I feel as usual being a front line worker I’m the one that takes the hit while the back benchers and those out of touch on the space station called the shots then scapegoat individuals for the system flaws in the system created by the stupidity, ignorance, incompetence, corruption and greed of those calling the shots in Ottawa.  

I was going to work and coming home and eating and watching tv and sleeping but I feel alive again.  I did talk to my mentors and colleagues about the dangers in the workplace and the false accusations and entitlement and demands and the signs now in the clinics to not abuse the staff and that violence won’t be tolerated.  It’s not surprising that no one wants to work on the front line.  I was actually enjoying being of service until that day when the damn broke and all the verbal abuse and aggression came out, completely unrelated to me, but because of problems the patients had in their lives dealing with authorities.  

Before Covid I was on a couple of boards and was taking theology course in the evening completing a master of religious studies as well as receiving an M. Div ironically from an online institute that was shut down.  I have the Master of Religious Studies but the M. Div I’m amused by given the irony of a fraudulent colllege. I was only interested in that institute because the other M.Div’s with denominational and I wanted a non denominational degree.  I loved studying theology and evening courses at Regent College, St. Mark’s Catholic and Vancouver Theological College. I have no difficulty identifying as a Christian and I am an Anglican but I find that some aspects of St. Paul’s Judaic cultural and historic teaching no longer seem true.  I continue to be able to say the Creed and agree with that but it’s a challenge to accept the evangelical position of biblical truth.  At the same time I don’t believe in cherry picking either.  

The fact is I’m really excited about studying anthrooploy’s Ritual and Religion. At the British Museum I was most impressed by the exhibit of early man and astonished by the advances that have occurred in understanding of prehistoric man.  I’d studied Anthropology of Canadian Natives at University of Waterloo enjoying the study of Boaz and others and read Prehistory (a very short introduction) by Chris Gosden and the Scots a genetic journey, by Alistair Moffat looking at what we’ve learned from such advances as DNA testing.  It’s all fundamental to the psychotherapeutic work of psychiatry , understanding the need for ritual.  I loved Dr. Jung and Dr. Freud’s work in these areas especially considering today that anxiety patients are experience without routines and the break down of the cultural and community supports. 

I dreamed last night that I was sharing accommodations with women in the Meditarrean area.  The significance was one of them asking for a bath or a shower. It reminded me of all the shitty dreams when I didn’t have a washroom or the hole in the floor was plugged. In other dreams  I was in the third world hole  the floor was wet and covered in urine and I had to balance tried to squat and keep my trousers from touching anything.  It was a dream breakthrough last week when I actually had a white washed washroom with a new flush toilet.  I love dream analysis and this represented an ultimate progress.  Then to have last night’s dream of the my friend wanting a bath or shower and thinking that there must be one was truly exhilerating. Hope and faith were being restored.  

I’m old now, a birthday just passed and that was the time of the clean dream.  The Mediterranean habitat luxury living communities continues to be enjoyable . In the dream there were meetings and friends mingling and I confess I don’t know if it’s my future or heaven but it’s as positive a dream as those with my dogs. I wake feeling uplifted, grateful and capable.

I feel God is with me too. I pray always and feel carried on eagles wings.  

I’ve completed the collection of paper I needed for the Anil Auluck my accountant.  I’ve also completed the cleaning and organization that has me back here from having been almost 3 months on the road.  I’ve a functional life and am thankful that I was able to complete that adventure.

I have a bucket list, lying on a beach in Phuket, a trip to Europe to visit Berlin, Vienna and Venice, a return to Ireland and Scotland, and a visit to my nephews and family in Ottawa and Napanee.  I imagine the latter trip would be a drive with my truck and camper.  My sister in law is selling their property and I imagine bringing back the hard bottomed dingy I had with the big sailboat I’ve up for sale.  I’ll be happy with progress.

The fact is I ‘ve turned it over to God. So much is out of my control so I simply do the next right thing and continue.  

I am thankful.  Today it’s not raining and I took Madigan for a long walk. I would have walked further but my knee was seriously painful after I over did it a week ago.  I’m having to pace myself. He liked our visit to the off leash park and I imagine I’ll do that again soon.  

My expresso machine began to act up so I bought a new one only to find it’s not working optimally so I’m considering returning it today.  

Everyday errands and cadillac problems abound.  I just work away at it.


Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Holy Spirit.  


This was the snow days last week then we had the hail and then the rain. Today is dry.  Grey sky but pleasant.  I’m thankful the snow and cold sleet are past. In like a lion out like a lamb is the old march saying. I’m hopeful we’ll continue to see the weather improve. The light is better and the clocks change today.


I love my new helmet mount. I might even get out on the motorcycle this weekend. 

We’ve had some beautiful skies and sunset .  Mostly I’m pleased I’m looking up and paying attention.



The best buddy. He keeps me active.  Loves to go for a walk and take me along.  


Friday, March 8, 2024

3 am awake

I woke feeling afraid, anxious, vulnerable.  I have resisted the paranoia of the world. I’ve fought against the psychosis of modern society. I have struggled to stay open.  I began to write stream of consciousness journaling, having read Artists Way and Finegan’s Wake and seeing so much mental anguish in work. People were afraid to speak and share, living lies of ‘quiet desperation’ .
I recently explained that ‘the man who mistook their wife for a hat’ was the best little book about brain damage. It was in a discussion of dementia when a person was medicalizing forgetfulness and slippery sliding into denial of civil liberties for forgetfulness. I explained that medically dementia was a failure of neuroplasticity. The brain was a self healing organism and yet over the time the capacity to function with rationality and meaning were lost. The point was that it was ‘the little stuff’ but big stuff that counted ‘like the man who mistook his wife for a hat.’   
I was concerned decades ago that people believed ‘insaniety’ was what one ‘thought’.  I was so aware of the communist persecution and tyranny of dictatorships at the time.  I was a member of the Canadian Civil Liberties Society and Psychiatrists against the Politial abuse of Psychiatry.  I’d studied logic at university and saw that rhetoric was the norm in parliament. I was concerned reading of the Gulags and twisting thinking of Marxists whose generalizations were so appealing yet no better than the ‘deconstructionists’.  Hypocrisy. 
The oldest law of the world is the ‘Chinese Law of the Fish’.
The problem of creativity was that one’s thinking was ‘strange’ and ‘alien’.  One step ahead of the crowd you are a genius, two steps a head of the crowd you are a martyr.  The problem wasn’t in the ‘thinking’ and a need for more ‘thought police’ but rather in action.  
My Jewish genius friend told me that he is afraid to step outside anymore. “I meet people who aren’t even in the 15th century. They come from countries where the ruler is considered divine so there’s been no group consensus like the Magna Carta. Others a living before the 18th and 19th century.  They don’t know the French Revolution guillotined the poor leadership or that the American War of Independence rejected the foreign dominance.  They certainly haven’t experienced the 60’s revolution. Sex is still the ‘state’s’ And ‘my body my own’ is unheard of .  That said I’m discussing quantum entanglement in my home and mind body spiritual epistemology questioning the purpose and meaning of existence and the role of the artists in society and my new neighbour wants to live out 1950’s all over again.  When I step out of my home I find myself in this time warp recurring loop and am persecetuted by those who don’t even know the power of marketting, fringe politics of Hitler and just want consumerism and conformity.”

I wrote my blog to celebrate the breadth of ideas and that diversity was the acceptance not of the ‘state approved’ ‘groups of acceptable concerns’ but rather for the bizarre unusual and anxiety provoking.  Stephen King was an alcoholic.  The government is the primary drug and alcohol pusher for the sake of self serving taxation conveniently forgetting the 30’s referendum in Canada at least that said ‘sin tax’ was only to be used for health care not to reward politicians.  

It’s easy to be a critic. Critics are a dime a dozen.  Desire is the root of all suffering, says Buddha.  Yet Jesus said ‘take the timber out of your own eye before taking the sliver out of your neighbours’.  Jordan Peterson said that 10% of society now did not have the intellectual capacity to function in a modern society of computers and AI.  Piatian psychologists studied a cross section of society and found that the development of abstract thinking seen by Piaget in his children as occurring with adolescence wasn’t achieved by a surprising half or majority until well into their thirties.  

I just came back from a couple of months in the US and was aware of the vast differences between the political systems and government of Canada and the Us but know most Canadian media homogenizes the systems to utilize generalizations. We do. it’s communication.

I wanted my patients to realize that ‘normal’ people had all manner of fear, anger, loves, emotions , doubts and that this wasn’t insane.  I wanted to share my own ambivalence and show that yes I can be the ‘leader’ and hide my thoughts with ‘boundaries’ and all manner of ‘state approved’ deception but that this focus on the exterior in terms of thought was horribly disabling and gave rise the the greatest of tragedies.  Now we have all manner of insaniety with the term ‘emotional abuse’.  All manner of insaniety.  There is a society of malignant subjectivity, a culture of narcissism and a world of the selfie.  Whole tribes aim to be ‘influences’.  Marketting is preferred to truth. All truth is ‘my’ truth or ‘your truth’ and perspective. There’s a superficial interpretation of relativity in a world of ‘if it feels good do it’. Yet the word feeling can come from lust or love and both feel good but in an amoral society where ethics are not longer respected there’s a devil in the details.

I’m anxious because of Julian Assange and the honey traps perfected in WWII and the Cold War still being used today.  Gossip and mob violence reign.  Law and order decline. Cowardly leadership.  Weak men and long necked women.

In the middle of the night I wake afraid because I’ve tried to bare my soul to say this self reflection and expression of the good and bad is okay. It’s all about he Spirituality of Imperfection. The leaders aren’t perfect. Their power suits and pretty houses and body guards and hidden wealth are all rather passé.  I like the story Reacher.  A modern day St. Francis, the zen monk of my youthful television days.  

I have wearied of the cacophony of criticism and the demand and bullying for my time and attention and gone off alone on expeditions to the north and to sea. I’ve enjoyed solitude and not been lonely with a woman and a dog and often with just a dog and even when I had a fish or a houseplant.  So many don’t know the essence of such relationship.  I am at times aware of the great mystical wonder of being apart of the forest or the world.

I’ve found gratitude helps me adjust my attitude.  When I’m afraid and can’t sleep I write what I’m thankful for. I give up fear and replace it with faith. I believe in love. I believe the other is God. I believe I’m playing peekaboo all day with Jesus.  I pray that the saints of all religions love shine on my devotion. I am thankful for the air I breath for breathing, for the sun, for warmth and heat, for food and sustenance, for my room mate dog companion, for mobility and walking.  I am thankful for feeling. I’m thankful for showers. I’m thankful for all the well wishers. I have this fault where I hear a dozens words of praise and one word of disdain and I disregard all the positivity and focus on the negativity. I magnify disease so that I can heal it which is good in the objectivity but subjectivity I must remember Jesus said, Love God and Love your neighbour as yourself.

The weasel words are ‘God’ and ‘Neighbour’.  The natives say ‘all my relations’.  I enjoyed meeting the Jain and spending the day with him as he shared how he struggled with killing a mosquito.  He was like the Quakers who fasted for killing to but that of humans. Their neighbour was ‘humanoid’.  The war of Gods was the history at the beginning of civilizations when Yahweh and other gods were tribal gods.  

God to me is life.  All things.  All.  I loved Phillips book, Your God is too small. Then I’m talking with aetheists whose reductionism is infinitismal.  But there are no aetheists at sea or in fox holes. Aetheism is a hot house plant and the religion of communism, a dictorship.  

The movies are all ‘revenge porn’ or ‘sex porn’.  Primal stories of the Joseph Campbell variety.  The joke was if you are younger than 40 go to a Freudian because your issues are all sex and aggression but if you’re over 40 go to a Jungian because your issues are about alienation and integration.  I loved the book Denial of Death.  I fear even fleeting thoughts of suicide in depths of despair because I believe in the law of attraction.

I see depressed and angry and frightened people all day and their emotions and ideas are like infections and they are infective. I am hours on the front line knowing that the administrative class and upper class and the powerful want nothing to do with the ‘people’ .  I’m daily facing at least one ‘soul theif’.  They’re there to ‘steal my joy’ or ‘run in my day.’  They’re the kafetch and Im trying desperately to survive an hour of their fear which grates like nails on a chalkboard.  They are angry at the world and as I’m part of it I’m in their sights.  

My job is not to be their lawyer

The psychiatrist focuses on changing the invidual with psychotherapy or medications or other physical therapies.  I’m an addiction psychiatrist and trauma psychiatrist.  I am like a driving instructor who sits in the car and asks that they let me take the wheel as we crash and burn.  I walk a mile in their shoes and hope to return. I’m thoroughly buggered at the end of the day.  I’ve been spat on hit, shat on, held hostage and thoroughly abused by my superiors who hide in institutions and avoid contact with people and have the resources to walk about the wards as ‘gangs’. I’m a lone cop in a police car. I’m the priest in the battlefield.

I am holding on to life. I’m holding onto this work. I ‘m said to be at retirement age.  I’m supposed to have a referral service who screens out psychopaths and sociopaths.  Theres’ a public service and a private service but everyone is now treated as a government worker by the populace who don’t respect private business or that the damage they do to the building I’m in comes out of my income.  The government says they should be ‘free’ .  The government makes all manner of promises but takes the wealth and leaves us on the front lines like the soldiers on the beach.  I wonder how long I can do this.  

I was threatened three times today. I’ve had patients point guns at me in the office. I’ve been robbed and mugged.  So many patients live in their tv.  There are signs all over the city now don’t hurts the healing staff.  The delays and lack of services are caused by Ottawa, not me.  I’m not the enemy. The rabid dogs are bitting the hand that feeds and the police are hiding in bunkers while the corruption and greed stalk the world.

I go to work in the real world.  The majority of critics and complainers live in the safety of their screen, experiences a sanitized propaganda version of reality.

I tried explain that the diagnosis of PTSD came from what soldiers experienced not ‘emotional abuse’.  The entitled privileged narcissists screamed at me that I didn’t understand.  She had a monopoly on pain and it was always about her.

Since in the end the other is God and I am looking in a mirror I had to reflect with sadness that that was me when I was a teenager. She might be much older but the suffering I felt in her uncontrolled rage was no difference than my mother ‘s pain when I was a teen and shouting at her, blaming her for my emotional immaturity.  I sat years later in the Ashram and the Church trying to forgive myself.  I still am so ashamed that I was a toddler and shit myself.  Now am facing this in old age and wondering about compassion missing my father and brother and grand father and feeling alone.  I feel forsaken yet know I’m not.

Thank you God for the good times. Thank you God for the ‘tools’. Thank you God that I am able to recalibrate. Thank you God that I have learned what I struggle to pass on. Thank you God that I have some patience as I progress towards the only choice of acceptance on deaths bed.  Thank you God for preparing me for departure. help me to know I’m not this body, this ego, this suffering and am joy . Thank you for my being a spiritual being in a material world and knowing my mind is more than my brain.. Thank you for peace and calm and faith. Thank you God for being there with me when I feel persecuted and alone threatened and afraid.  So many threats today. So much anger.

i know these people sometimes for an hour and they say that’s they’re going to kill me as if that will solve a life of errors and defeats. I struggle to help them up while they’re flailing about having a tantrum on my office floor threatening homicide and suicide and claiming they’re going to make the world a better place by annihilating me.

Then I read that my government which paid and murdering terrorist 10 million dollars supports the Hamas terrorists and I hate that the Prime Minister is such an evil twot. As above so below.  God gives us the leaders we deserve.  Politics is the choice of the least bad alternative.  I want to go back to Israel and sit in the temple .  I remember the three markets and the disorder and sense of safety I felt or didn’t feel in each of the markets depending on the religion of the people. I don’t like the Religion of Peace that kills homosexuals.

I must find the God within to heal fron the verbal assaults and threats and abuse and the broken system with so many afraid and angry with the mismanagement of the economy and the inflation and corruption.  It’s tax time.  I’m trying to gather all the paper.  I’m pressured to meet deadliness.

I have this sense that I’m waiting for Godot. that this is where it’s’ come to.  Younger I worked and looked to a future with hope of a private plane , a family , a 


mansion a white picket fence and a family. Here I am some days feeling like the old.  My retired friends are leaving the miliaray captains or colonels knowing they didn’t make it to general and that they ‘failed’.  The rich are poor in the end. We are all 3 paychecks from eviction.  I have saved only to have the trust fund boy steal my savings and the evil witch threaten bank accounts and freeze the assets of those who love freedom. I’m afraid and can’t build up riches on earth.

There is only you God. there is no where to hide her. I went to Meteora and Cappadocia and I’ve been to the islands and to the north. There’s nowhere to hide. I have my back up against the wall of death and the abyss is there.  I walk among the delusional immortals who know no respect and haven’t been stabbed or attacked.  They’ve lived quiet lives as bullies and haven’t been to jail and asylum and haven’t seen the inside of a quiet room or solitary.  They don’t know the feeling of restraints. They’re living young without the experience of a body that betrays them, a glass spilled because the weight can not be sustained by the wrist and arm. The shaking and tremors are apparent now.  I’m laughing thinking of the shame.  

I liked Clint Eastwood, I don’t let the old man in

Trudeau wants to euthanize the mentally ill.  He claims it’s what they want.  I dentificatin with the aggressor.  Power and homeless, Solyet GReen eappeals but the rich and powerful aren’t leading the way.  Trudeau leads from the rear.  Communist leaders do.  

But then wars are for old men to kill young men.  They play their families against another’s families.  The gangs go on ….It’s like the animal and insect behaviour. All the poetry doesn’t change the barbarism.

You’ve survived.

Thank you God. thank you Jesus. Thank you for the heat. Thank you for this body. Thank you for sleep and wakeful. Thank you for the mind and heart and soul . Thank you for this day and night. May I know you more truly and surely.  
 


Thursday, March 7, 2024

Wee hour peanut butter and jam

I am having a peanut butter and marmalade open sandwich.  It’s 5 am.  I woke up at 330 am to pee and now have peed twice, said prayers, petted Madigan and read university on line course offerings.  I completed my winter adventure and the spring now waits. I have a course to complete on driving and driving training to do. I continue my studies in gender.  I’m attending church and AA.  I could play guitar and sing again now that I have hearing aids.  
I’ve a day of work tomorrow.  I’ve paperwork to gather for my accountant to complete my taxes. I’m been whittling away at such tasks. I’ve laundry to pick up and drop off. I’ve not yet returned to doing my own loads in my own washer and drier given the bags of laundry I’ve been doing.  The Merry Maids came yesterday and did a marvellous job of leaving the place clean and tidy. It’s uplifting to have that feeling of being cared for each time they come and go.  I slept from 10 to 330 in a well made bed with clean sheets and comforter. I have been using the electric blanket and enjoying the warmth of bed. It was snowing/sleeting yesterday.  The temperature has been very low and my propane heating costs very high.  
The 10 week 10 hour a week course on prehistoric ritual and religion appeals to me. I considered the history of medicine and history of art too but keep returning to archeology and anthropology in my on going training in spirituality.  
WPATH is meeting in Lisbon.  I’d thought of attending. Portugal is appealing but what as far as I can tell my bucket list now is only Venice, Vienna and Berlin.  Southern Ireland and Scotland are forever calling now.  I always think a bridge too far and must reign in enthusiasm.  I enjoyed reading the philosophy of mind course addressing the mind-body issue andd yes I’d like to take that.  I enjoyed studying Biblical Hebrew from the University of Jerusalem but the problem then was poor broad band connection with the internet I received on the boat at dock.  Now my Starlink is really serving me well.  My home is back to normal with too much clutter.  All I need is available but I do need a run to the storage locker and I have that nagging feeling I have to seriously reduce the cost and collection.  I have too many old clothes.  Given how little I needed this 2 1/2 months in the south I really don’t need all of what I have here or especially what I have in storage.  I enjoyed putting bags of excess clothing in the diabetes clothing bin behind my Ford dealer.  
So here I am with my mind considering all that I have to do.  I did drink strong coffee at the meeting last night.  George told me he’ll be 82 next month and shared tales of his younger years travelling about partying with friends and losing jobs and changing jobs with his portable skills in waiting and bar tending.  I reflected back to those days when I enjoyed the freedom of having a ‘job’ compared to the ‘career’ I have today.
I enjoy my work on line.  I’ve been back in the clinics and will be back at docside next week.
I thought of doing a series of papers on psychopharmacology and doing a simple utube presentation of the studies.  
I also reflected on those folk who watch documentaries and learning channel, History and National Geographic.  I do that very little, my principle night television watching a recent movie, a thiller or war or spy, or detective.  Last night I watched another episode of NCIS and enjoyed Gibbs.  I’d earlier watched an episode of Star Trek.  I feel inspired not only to learn but to write and create but so far all it comes down to is I can’t sleep and I’ve now had a peanut butter and jam sandwich so should get back to sleep with the hope of another hour or two.
Maybe I’ll read in bed for a bit.  
I’ll fill out the university application tomorrow. I resisted doing it today. It’s the same course I contemplated a year ago.  The British Museum exhibit of early man excited me as did my archeology studies in undergrad of the Minoans and Mycenaeans.  I was blessed to visit Knossos.  
I was glad to get back in touch with Bob, his accepting a referral I made. I really ought to arrange for coffee and discussion .  I’d love to keep up with what he is doing and enjoyed our discussions in the past.  
I’m 72.  I was thankful for all the birthday wishes on Facebook. Otherwise it was a non event that is still dawning on my. 71 was a very good year.  I’m grateful for the blessings I’ve had .

I don’t struggle with Jesus as son of God.  I appreciate Yahvew as being and creator.  I understand Jesus as the human face and the Holy Ghost as a motherly force but the idea of Jesus ‘dying for our sins ‘and Paul’s Judaic ‘blood sacrifice’ though is lifted out of the primitive religions I wish to study. Like Golden Bough.  I find that interpretation of the Life of Jesus stilted.  I more easily relate to the mysticism of Jesus and Christianity.  Knowing God. Prayer and meditation.  Sin means to miss the mark, the imperfect.  I like Kurtz , the Spirituality of Imperfectin and Cohen’s the crack that lets the light in.  Our Brokeness but the ‘sacrificial’ no so much which is why I guess I am attracted to this course. In addiction the person is killing self and turning their back on life and God.  

We discussed faith and fear last night.  FEAR - Fuck everything and run or Face everything and Recovery.  George shared another I’d not known False Evidence Appearing Real.  

I have knee and back pain.  I have been careful because I need to be able to walk to serve my dog.  We had roast chicken tonight.  

Well, another try at bed.