Showing posts with label psychoanalysis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychoanalysis. Show all posts

Saturday, December 7, 2019

Psychotherapist

I recently had cause to reflect on why I no longer do much ‘insight’ psychotherapy but that mostly I’m doing ‘supportive psychotherapy”. I’m formally trained in a variety of psycho therapies whereas most people are trained in one.  Unfortunately the adage give a boy hammer and everything is a nail hold true in those cases.

“Insight psychotherapies’ were those historically called ‘psychoanalytic’ including Freudian, Jungian, Adlerian, et al. Despite the profound scientific work of Cameron proving their validity and superiority to several other modalities of psychiatric care, they are not generally publicly funded today. They are privately available and highly effective for certain patient groups.  

The psychoanalysts in the American Psychoanalytic Association used to begin their therapy by advising the patient that the cost of therapy would be $100 an hour (now $200 to $400) and that therapy would be 5 hours a week and likely last for 2-3 years.  During the first 6 months the analysand was not to change their job or their marriage without thorough discussion with the analyst.  We used to joke that this was pragmatic in that it ensured the income that allowed for analysis but in fact it protected patients from the all too often destructive outcome of therapy, where in the individual makes geographical or relational changes with minimum insight only to fall into the trap of ‘repetition compulsion’.  I argue strongly that the divorce rate in America is not only the product of hungry divorce lawyers and irresponsible self serving government courts who make the most by destruction of marriage and harm to children , but also . under trained therapists who contribute to ‘blaming’ rather than the gaining of wisdom and insight.

Insight therapies looked at the relationship of an individuals conflicts today,  in relationship to conflicts in their earlier personal life. It was thought that unconsciously the past was being re-enacted in the present unconsciously and with insight the person could make healthier future choices.  The classic example is the anti authoritarian person who has never addressed their own conflicts with their parents. This is the individual trapped unconsciously in adolescence unable to make their bed or be self supportive but certain as to how the world should be run. Alternatively it’s the man who marries his mother or the woman who marries her mother unable to move on from a ‘cathected’ relationship.  The success of psychoanalysis and it’s relevance, and the truth in the ‘Freudian slip’ is mainstream knowledge.  Once arcane the very notion of the unconscious with it’s drives is taken for granted to a large extent.  Analysis of transference and countertransference, dreams and fantasies and free association are all technically part of this therapy.

I did this for years and continued to have some patients in which I was mostly doing insight therapy until very recently.  Psychoanalytic psychotherapy was the first major variation of psychoanalysis and it involved the removal of the couch with the Analysand unable to see the analyst and because of cost reduced the frequency of visits to weekly or twice weekly.  The next major variation was the introduction of ‘short term’ therapy versus traditional ‘long term’ therapy , the latter being open ended and often carrying on for years, sometimes decades.  Short term therapy tended to be 6 months to 2 years of therapy.  This conflicted greatly with insurance plans which began arbitrarily to offer only 10 to 20 or sometimes 20 to 40 sessions arguing that therapists would let the work expand to fill the time available. Today some ‘plans’ offer 4 sessions while others offer none, while claiming to be ‘medical insurance’, like the car insurance plan that ‘excludes’ collisions. 

The conflict between public and private sector therapy, economics and science has profoundly damaged psychotherapy at the benefit of psychopharmacology which has historically been an inferior approach to the majority of psychiatric conditions except schizophrenia and classic manic depression. . Psychopharmacology has it’s strongest validity in psychotic disorders but not in the mood disorders and anxiety disorders.  It’s benefit is really apparent in acute conditions but its value dwindles with recurrent and chronic conditions.  This was a huge area of conflict in psychiatry and as psychiatrists made an unholy alliance with the pharmaceutical industry,  the psychologists moved into compete with their psychotherapy.  Often today it’s a psychologist who is a Freudian or Jungian psychoanalyst whereas originally only a psychiatrist could go onto be an analyst. 

Historically, to the chagrin of psychologists and nurses the , psychologist to the psychiatrist was considered the same as the nurse to the doctor. Now everyone was to be leader but few want responsibility or accountability and a new class of administrator wants it all, except they don’t want to every be at the frontline and never came from there either.  Their perfect knowledge and  depends on their perfect ignorance

Meanwhile money and insurance funding and patients desires and the culture and society strongly influence the psychotherapies.

The patients who were best for Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, those who gained the most were described with the acronym of YAFFI.  These individuals remain to day the most desirable psychotherapy and counselling patients.  The Y stands for Young. The young are more opened minded in general.    The A stands for Attractive.  If one was to sit for years of one’s life working with a patient one wanted to find them attractive. This counter transference factor was significant for therapy as well. The more ‘attractive’ the patient the more hopeful the therapist. F stood for Financially stable or affluent.  The second F stood for focussed.  The I stood for intelligence.

The key feature of psychoanalysis is that it was an ‘insight’ therapy not a ‘change’ therapy. The assumption was that with ‘insight’ change might follow. However, this wasn’t necessarily true.  More often the outer aspects of the analysand’s life weren’t at issue. It was the inner world. In medicine people are described as having ‘symptons’ , or subjective complaints and ‘signs’ or objective complaints.  

Freud said that Mental health was the ability to Work and Love. The WHO definition pretty much carried this forward with the addition that today we think of Mental Health in the broad sense as ‘the ability to love, work and play”.  The reason word has been ‘ability’ as more and more people feel entitled to play and reward without work or relationship.  

The original patients of analysis commonly were successful in their work, independently wealthy, often with intact loving families and perhaps some problems with play but mostly ‘dissatisfied’ with their lives. They were not happy. They often suffered greatly with what were described as ‘neurotic’ concerns.  Neurotics were described as people who were rather likeable and successful but ‘got under their own skins’ whereas ‘personality disorders’ or those with ‘characterological disorder’ commonly lacked insight and ‘got under other people’s skins’.  Developmentally the neurotics were overall considered ‘higher developmentally.’ Personality disorders were considered more primitive and prone to more ‘immature’ defences like ‘denial’. 

Anna Freud described ‘lines of development” , that described the development of a child to an adult. The simplest was the movement from narcissism to altruism.  Different defences or coping mechanisms were identified and seen in a developmental way, example ‘denial’ to ‘insight’.  The psychoanalysts identified the unconscious mechanisms and in therapy would identify these in the free association and dreams of the patient. The classic and of especially important note today because of the lack of insight and development of judges collectively, as their world is the rather flat rational world of the 19th century while the rest of us must inhabit a 20 to 21st century reality,  is ‘projection’.  The court room has always been a theatre as some might argue all the world is a stage.  

A person may say ‘you want to have sex with me’ when indeed they are the one who wants to have sex.  The courts in their self serving rationalist archaic references, they are best in the written and video world but not the real world, ignored that women ‘show sex’ and ‘men say sex’.  The demand of the male dominated courts for women to be masculine and ‘say consent’ and indeed ‘write contracts of consent’ is just one of the examples of the unscientific inhumaine and rediculously patriarchal court approach to the reality of human affairs.  

Projection and projective identification were complicated defences identified mostly in narcissist and borderline personality disorders.  They speak to the development of a mature ego with it’s ability to know where one’s self begins and leaves off.  The courts often focus on the ‘individual’ when ‘individualism’ simply istn’ a developmental attainment of some cultures where the individual identifies with the family, tribe or gang.  This results in the whole failure in court of the ‘alibi’ and yet the courts refuse to move from the 19th century rationalist world to the present day scientific world.  Indeed judges and lawyers simply aren’t required to study little more than the same material 19th century arts students did while the world today has of course advances beyond the court along with a very sophisticated society with multi ethnic presentation and even multiple presentations of gender expression. 

Obviously these are generalizations and the fact that we are at peace and the society muddles along reflects the individual and collective work of fine men and women who are judges and work with the broken nature of their profession.  

Insight psychotherapy is normally set up on a weekly basis, so that every Tuesday at 10 am the person was in therapy. Because the basis of the insight therapy was ‘free association’ and ‘dreams’ the therapy required ‘no interruptiopns’.  It was more like a ‘meditative space’ with therapists and patient engaged in a process much like hypnosis. Freud was a hypnotherapist and his techniques of therapy were based on hypnosis but with the patient in a lesser state of trance than formal induction. With the therapist sitting out of the view of the patient there was a level of partial sensory deprivation. In face to face insight therapy the therapist was completely neutral. If the patient said they wanted to kill themselves or the therapist, the insight therapist was ‘non reactive’ in even those extremes. They were in ‘observer’ mode and there to allow the patient to ‘explore their own unconscious’.  Insight therapy was ‘analytical’ and not ‘emotional’ and indeed very much the opposite in many ways of ‘supportive therapy’ or ‘relationship therapies’ of today.  The correct answer to questions regardless of the emotional state of the patient was usually, ‘how do you feel about that?’ And ‘do you recall another time in your life when you felt like that.”  

The poor therapist who ‘rescued’ the patient or gave into what is commonly described in therapy as ‘emotional extortion’ failed in training and was told that they were best suit for the ‘lesser’ ‘inferior’ form of ‘supportive or relationship therapy’.  The worst insult was such that a psychiatrist become a psychopharmacologie the who was seen as ‘giving medication’ like ‘breast milk’ to the patient and ‘infantilizing’ them.  The hardest part of parenting a child was ‘letting them’ walk and ‘letting go’.  Till this day I still remember with utter fear teaching children to drive, and am humbled by pilots and other heavy machine operators who teach others to manage this equipment. I was equally humbled when the surgeon teaching me said that I could take the scalpel and continue. That was psychoanalytic psychotherapy, not the watered down stuff of todays counselling which is equivalent to ‘massage’ versus surgery. It’s wonderful and feels good but is highly ineffective and in research showed little of the robust outcomes that traditional psychoanalytic therapies did.  

Psychoanalytic psychotherapies were major ‘change’ therapies in the selected populations with which they were found to be highly suited. With ‘insight’ a YAFFI normally changed their behaviour to accommodate the new understandings they gained in therapy.  They stopped acting ‘unconsciously’ and gained insight as to how their life was troubling because they were living a life their parents wanted or they wanted as a child but that today they did not see the merit of those actions.  In insight therapies people made major changes slowly and went onto major successes.  

Psychoanalysis was funded extensively as a ‘change therapy’ initially in the heyday of psychoanalysis, the 30’s to the 70’s.  Consequently because it was tried everywhere, It was found to be  not effective in a variety of settings. Counsellors persist in using ‘insight’ therapies in a variety of cases which were considered inappropriate for psychoanalytic or ‘insight’  approaches. Psychoanalysis and insight therapies are likened to surgery whereas counselling is likened to massage.  The power of the insight therapy is in the knowledge of the symbols the individual has developed. The success is in the detail. 

When I did psychoanalytic therapy it was common for me to a) have to teach patients ‘free association’ and resist their attempt to change this to ‘dialogue’. I had to remain aloof and this commonly took 5 to 10 sessions just to get the patient to the point of ‘free association’.  I have tapes of therapy where I’m essentially silent as a therapist for weeks or even months. I begin the therapy by ‘hello’ and end it with ‘we’ll continue next session’.  They free associated about their thoughts ,dreams and fantasies, usually beginning with the immediate week and then because of the weekly sessions picking up where they’d left off going deeper into understanding what R. D. Laing called the ‘knots’ in their past, those areas which seemed to keep cropping up to undermine one’s happiness.  In time I’d then be able to help the patient with a sentence or a word to see a more present issue in the light of experience.  ‘That sounds like how you described your first friend.”  These ‘nudges’ resulted in the patient picking up the story.

The therapist in the psychoanalytic session is mostly ‘behaviourally’ “passive’ and ‘reflective’.  The analysts by contrast to the surgeon was the least ‘active’. In Transactional Analysis the relationships were described along the spectrum of Parent, Adult, Child. In surgery the surgeon is the ‘active’ parent and the patient is the ‘unconscious’ child.  By contrast in psychoanalysis the therapist remains the ‘parent’ but the analysand is the active one doing all the ‘work’ of therapy, the ‘talking’ and ‘reflecting’.  The analysis makes ‘incisions’ as it were to assist in puncturing what have been described as ‘deep abscesses’ in the ‘unconscious’.  The ‘interpretation’ was scalpel like. The classic one of humor, being, “you want to fuck your mother’, the therapist says when the patient describes their relationship with their spouse who is indeed uncannily like the mother.  Portnoy’s Complaint is one of the best novels describing the insight process.  Much of therapy is the patient trying to win you over, engage you, seeking reassurance and all the while the classic therapist remained aloof.

Having spent years in psychoanalytic psychotherapy in training to be an psychoanalytic psychotherapist I can honestly say I don’t know if my therapist ‘liked me’ or ‘didn’t like me’.  He was as aloof as a surgeon in this regard technically.  I knew he was a compassionate man but I didn’t know if he ‘liked’ me. He might well have ‘loved’ me in the general sense but despite my own attempts to be engaging and entertaining and ‘nice’ he remained the excellent technician he was, forcing me to look at my desires rather than changing the externals of the relationships.  

By contrast ‘supportive psychotherapy’ and ‘counselling’ is a relationship in which the therapist is the ‘caring parent’. There is never any investigation of the ‘negative transference’.  Change in psychoanalytic therapy came mostly when the ‘negative transference’ was being analyzed. This is where the therapist works through the ‘idealization devaluation’ phase which is normal in adolescent development and is always a stage in ‘good insight therapy’, but avoided in ‘supportive therapy’. Most of counselling never matures to this ‘adolescent phase’.  The patient rarely ‘leaves home’ fully.  Counselor and client work busilily together addressing ‘industry’ level conflicts but never go to the dark nether reaches of the ‘adolescent’ attachment issues and ‘alienation’ and such.

Psychoanalysis did not appear to work with prison populations. It had very limited value in addicted populations. It was not particularly good either in helping people who had not matured to the ability of being independent and having work and relationships.  It required the therapist to do their own therapy formally which was costly and demanding.  Few counselors want to go to that rather ugly place where you work through your ‘caring ‘neediness’ and address the anger at the mother rather than persisting in being ‘pleasing ‘ and sucking on the tit of the patient by being a ‘liked’ mommy rather than the much tougher and more mature ‘good mother’.  The fact remains that psychoanalytic therapy was an apprenticeship like surgery and can’t be learned from books or weekend retreats.  It required a therapist to change themselves and have insight themselves and to know their ‘counter transference’ issues.  Most counselors are ‘needy’ compared to the surgeon and the psychoanalyst who is increasingly most interested in technique and outcome. The drama is far less interesting.   

Presently I’m seeing a very few people for insight psychotherapy.  The College of Physicians and Surgeons being dominated by the Consumer Health Care Model and the Communist Health Care Worker model demand that the psychiatrist be ‘popular’.  The very nature of ‘working through’ negative transference is that the patient like the adolescent goes through a process of not liking the therapist or therapy and indeed sees the problem as the ‘therapist’. Today even our culture is celebrating the angry destructive adolescent and those who say ‘okay boomer’.  The political’ leadership’ has indeed lost it’s compass and is often directionist but always hedonist. If a patients grandiosity and egotism is sufficient they will want to destroy the therapist for the sake of the world. They are not just helping themselves remain in denial but now are on a crusade. 

The administrative doctors because of their own developmental delays and grandiosity, have themselves left patient care for the aloof ivory tower of authoritarian governmental  parentalism.  They are glad to collude with the unhealthy patients and ‘police’ the psychiatrists who are a threat to them because collectively administrator are the most immature and  least ‘psychologically minded’ of doctors. Administration is safe authoritarianism. Administrative doctors today make surgeons collectively look humble. Administrative doctors  are police. 

Psychotherapy was a ‘therapeutic alliance’ and required ‘selection’ as so few patients were ‘appropriate’ for that therapy. The Communist Model of Canadian Health Care with it’s affirmative action components demands that psychiatrists not ‘choose’.  Everyone is ‘entitled’ to the same therapy’.   Patients demand ‘insight therapies’ because they like the television image of what is essentially ‘counselling’ in which the person waxes poetic and the understanding counselor listens adoringly.  It sadly reinforces negative behaviour in those who are not sufficiently development to use insight.  It’s an aberration of modern times.

My favourite patients were the addicts who had some counselling variation or aberration of ‘insight psychotherapy’ who would later always tell me they ‘loved’ the counselor all the while they were drinking more and losing their jobs and marriage.  That counselor taught me ‘I drank because my mother did’t love me. ». More reason to drink.  Serial murderers would love those ‘counsellor’s.  The counselor was doing classic Carl Rogers relationship therapy with some Mennigerian elements of Insight therapy to keep the counselling pseudo cerebral and the patient was drinking more telling their buddies that the counsellors helped them see their mother didn’t love them.  Imagine serial murderers and pedophiles. History forgotten repeats. There is an extensive history of research from the 50’s showing this but today’s counsellors get the 6 month or 4 years shake and back instant preparation and are little different than the ‘quick back’ surgeon with a few  months of training.  Better than nothing and indeed social workers more than psychologists having humility and immense frontline experience were able to rather quickly overcome the deficiencies of their academic models. 

As a hypnotist doing hypnotherapy as when I did sodium Amytal interviews and therapy I needed to be thoroughly focussed on the session. It is very demanding  and focused.  You can’t be taking  anything other than ‘process’ notes and you can’t be considering that an Insurance Company or College or Lawyer is going to be reading the ‘notes’.  Today administrative doctors don’t really care if the patient lives or dies, what matters is the chart. So today some of the worst doctors, therapists and surgeons get the greatest awards and advancement because of their immense success writing fictitious accounts of their work. Much like politicians. 

Many of the analysts and whole schools of analysis did not allow the therapist to engage with any outsider, didn’t talk with parents, didn’t talk with partners, didn’t talk with insurance agents, or lawyers or college. If the patient asked that, that request was indication that therapy was ‘ended’. The patient had as much called ‘uncle’ in the therapy which has sometimes been called the ‘struggle with the patients demons’.  In Kleinian schools of psychoanalytic and insight psychotherapy  there is an ‘administrator’ who is assigned to deal with all aspects of therapy other than the actual therapy.  Even ‘paying for therapy’ become a ‘transference’ issue.  Patients commonly would express their hostility like adolescents who refuse to make their beds, by refusing to pay for services. 

When a patient refused to pay for the services the College of Physicians and Surgeon colluded with the patient and said that the therapist was being unreasonable to expect the patient to ‘pay for the cost of photocopying’.  Administrative doctors commonly developmentally mired in adolescence defences themselves with ‘identification with the aggressor’ and ‘splitting’ as their weapons of choice, ‘lick and kick’ their own way to the ‘top’. 

The College of Physicians and Surgeons always like more and more of the judges wants to be ‘the good mother ‘ and forces the therapist and other adults in the community to be the ‘bad father’.  The patient thereby ‘punished’ the therapist with the collusion of the College.   Splitting is central to the ‘politics of today’.  Whenever I’ve been called into the College of Physicians and Surgeons , the administrative doctor and ‘brought shamefully before the ‘august’ authorities’ I have never had a psychiatrist present when commonly a 19th century rationalist administrative burnt out low brow arrogantGP and a 19th century rationalist lawyer have punished me for challenging patients to reflect or even change  psychopathic behaviour.  On a half dozen occasions patients with DUI’s and bosses and wives on ‘my side’ have ‘objected by being ‘diagnosed ‘ as ‘suffering ‘alcoholism’ or ‘addiction’.  Therapists have shot out my window and threatened my life and killed my dog for ‘making the diagnosis’. Meanwhile I’m a good therapist and the government and it’s representatives makes money as ‘drug dealers’ and ‘alcohol peddlars’.  Sociopaths and psychopaths would rather ‘kill the messengers’ , lie and say ‘fuck you’ rather than reflect on their characterological defects.   The final straw was when I refused a wheel chair to a ‘malingerer’ who didn’t ‘need’ a wheel chair and could walk perfectly and did so as captured repeatedly on camera went to the Minister of Health, the Minister of Health of the government required me to give the patient back the wheel chair. He was using it in his management work in sex trade.  The Minister of Health no longer supported the doctors as the Attorney General no longer supported the police. The front line workers found quickly they were alone and increasingly no one wants to deal with ‘negative transference’.  Euthanasia and « MAid » are the rising industries today.  Indeed therapy studies show that the patients ability today to ‘recovery’ is greater than the ‘therapists’ belief in their ability.  But then the therapists today have no support.  

I’m surprised anyone does psychoanalysis in Canada today and really figure it’s probably no longer something that can be done in the public system.  Ineffecutal very popular counselling is far more attractive in the same way that the government is increasingly telling addicts and alcoholics that the therapists who seek abstinence are uncaring whereas they the loving mother therapists will give them their alcohol and drugs .

It’s always been said in insight therapy that therapy begins when the therapist says ‘no’. Don’t say ‘no’.  

Why change when ‘being offended’ is so much more lucrative. The cornerstone of therapy was that the patient saw their need to change and that the role of therapy was not for the doctor to change. Today there is even Dr. Google who would have in the day told Freud and Jung to go stuff themselves as all they were wanted for was to agree with the patient and sign the chit.  

Indeed most of psychiatry and psychiatrists have been co opted by insurance companies , pharmaceutical companies, laboratory services.. the STATE and by the Courts.  Indeed the least paid activity for psychiatrists is psychotherapy of any kind.

In psychoanalytic therapy we used to call ‘insight therapy’ and other ‘change therapies’ as ‘therapy’ whereas ‘medication therapy’ and ‘supportive therapy ‘ were ‘management.  “Management’ is mostly what doctors do and the greatest money to be made as a psychiatrist indicating what the College, Government and the society at large want from them is to sign prescriptions and write notes for insurance, occupation or court.  Management demands in their inadequacy that psychiatrists and all physicians indeed ‘manage’ their patients since ‘cure’ is a higher level of comprehension and requires a greater level of hands on experience.  



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The following is another story. I don’t know how to outline and cut or cut and paste on this blog program. I’d like to keep this rough draft.The one above I’ve reviewed and as usual watched how I was writing fine and informational material until I mentioned the ‘College of Physicians and Surgeons’. I have PTSD from being held hostage, threatened, shot and physically attacked in my work in offices and prisons and asylums.  Nothing is more ‘abusive’ though than dealing with the Borg of the Beurocracy.  This is Kafka’s Castle and they have caused me untold pain and suffering simply with their belief that they don’t cause untold pain and suffering and see themselves as ‘good tits’. All the evidence of history especially Nuremberg Trials suggests otherwise but anyone who questions ‘authority’ in this society is punished still by the totalitarian government models and as malingres, addicts, borderlines, sociopaths and psychopaths know the power of and ‘use’ spliting’ the present ‘authorities’ are doing untold damage to patients by supporting the malingerers, sociopaths etc to the detriment of the health care which is now coopted by anything but health care.  This hijacking of essential services has it’s own history and was best done by Hitler, Lenin, Trotsky.  The US today has been ‘split’ into a ‘democratic majority house’ and a ‘republican majority’ house and yet no one will accept the historic interpretation of the war of ‘good and evil’.  Freud described the drives as ‘life force’ and ‘death force’. The history of health care has been in Canada and other communist countries the destruction of the power and autonomy of the middle class and the ‘guilds in general’.  There is a return to the elite and peasant or king and peasant or ‘communist committee and peasant model and the use of the brown shirt, the antifida and the mafia and borderlines to this end along with the ‘illegals’, ‘illegal migrants’ , ‘illegal addicts’, ‘illegal protestros’ makes the model of psychoanalysis with the idea of the ‘doctor’ and ‘health care’ precarious.  Death is preferred. There is always more money in killing than healing.  There was more money offered to me for doing abortions than delivering babies. 

So I get derailed.  I think someday I’ll ‘purify’ my history and discussion of practice and write a book without the despair and sadness I experienced dealing with the sociopaths, borderlines and narcissists in government who were at times far more disturbed and dangerous than my sometimes dangerous patients.  I think I’ll be removed from the trauma of work without support and with all the promises broken and I’ll talk about just how to put a thumb in a damn to save the wall.  But today I see that I get derailed.  I see the Pope defending Pedophiles. I see Judge Curry . I see a stoned prime minister paying a terrorist 10 million dollars to kill a good American soldier. I’m in despair and struggle each day to help patietns who continue to come to me and want to ‘do the right thing’ and want help ‘being good’.  And want ‘symptom relief’ mostly because they’re struggling in todays toxicity where more and more shit is coming down on all but the elite.  

When I began in psychiatrist it was said psychotherapy wasn’t needed if a vacation or a raise could solve the problem. The normal complaint I see today is « I’m homeless’.... »I can’t pay the rent’.... » I can’t afford school’...I can’t find a job’.....People break into my apartment every day......I was robbed three times and the police just recorded it.....I was raped and it’s the second time and nothing is done....all the girls in my neighbourhood have been raped.....the ‘problems’ are ‘social work’ problems and I’m reduced to ‘supportive therapy’ and ‘writing letters to get funding, housing, mediation and health care’. I’m no longer asked to be a ‘neutral’ psychiatrist but a ‘street worker advocate and social worker’.  Given the shortages I’m irritated by colleagues who don’t work in the field but increasingly doctors are avoiding the ‘front line’s because they have no back up. Police told me they are afraid to be first to shootings because of the same.  No wonder there was 20 minute delay the last time I phoned 911.  Of course administration is afraid too.

One day I’ll ‘edit’ the blog and cull the ‘good news’ and leave the negativity in the basket.  Editing is a summer time job. Not now when I’m looking outside and grey and should be writing gratitude lists because despite all the shit life goes on and things really improve and patietns are benefitted great élu by the hodge lodge and the Minister of Health is a good enough guy and the College of Physician and Surgeosn like the Judges and Coursts are mostly doing good. There are less homicides in Canadia. People live longer. There’s generally so much good and I personally have to write stuff which reflects that ....focus on the positives of psychotherapy and address the benefits of ‘insight’ without the ‘snide’ comments or the criticism of the ‘other’ guy. I have been in volves the last couple of years in ‘politics’ which is outwardly focussed. We criticize the other guy and secondarily improve our ‘brand’ or ‘product’.  It’s like hockey. I am in a ‘war’ with the other team and ‘call them down’ and ‘psyche ourselves up’ but I need to focus on the positive. This is better. In my work I do.  In my personal life I flog myself and see the negative and flaws rather than seeing the sacred and holy. The world is beautiful. God is good. There is good in everyone. I have to be that way inclined. But I’m a novice.  So for now that’s the parallel in psychotherapy. The struggle.  

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To be edited for typos etc. 

With that said the next therapy form was Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I was formally trained and supervised for 6 months  in CBT in 1986 by one of Canada’s first proponents and leaders in this therapy which derived from Dr. Beck.  CBT was a parental education model with the patient as ‘student’ and homework assignments being given and the role of the therapist not as ‘listener’ but as ‘teacher’.  The therapist was ‘active’ and the nature of the work was always in the conscious realm.  “Negative transference’  was never addressed.  The therapist didn’t say ‘no’ and mostly this was coupled with psychopharmacology so the ‘good mother’ not only taught the child ‘good thinking’ but also gave her the tit with ‘good drugs’. 

My interest had been ‘non  compliance’ or ‘non adherence with medical regimen.’  At the time morbidity and mortality were the model of care. Doctors were compensated for restoring patients health and returned them to work and relationships and extending their lives. In CAnada today the health care system has introduced Maid which means that the role of the doctor is no longer quality and quantity of life but may simply been to assist with ‘quality of life.’  I thought I was a good boy doctor because I’d stopped hundreds of patients from killing themselves , got thousands back to work and in relationships with much active work on my part. Today if a person wants to kill them selves government psychiatrists are offering them Medicall Assisted suicide or ‘feel good’ drugs.  It’s fairly dumbed down.  There’s certainly no ‘struggling with the demons’ ,or need to keep patients alive,.  You get paid whether they live or die. It’s kind of like Climate Change or Bipolar Disorder .You win heads or tails.  You get paid regardless of what you say or predict. Very nice for the therapist but not so good for the patient perhaps.  The key though is there is longer an agreement of outcome.  The doctor whose patients all die or all remain drunk may well be elevated and paid the most whereas the doctor whose patients live and change might not be liked. It’s all politics and popularity now.

The key to psychoanalytic psychotherapy was that it indeed viewed competing drives. Freud saw individuals as having within the unconscious an Eros or life with and ‘thanatos’ or death wish’.  

CBT works very well with compliant patients.  The trouble is that ‘education’ as a model has major limitations as evidenced in studies when seatbelt ‘education’ resulted in only a few percent wearing them whereas a ‘fine ‘ resulted in 90 % compliance.  

Psychoanalysis began with motivated patients.

Today there has been a whole focus on ‘Change’. Dr. Watsylwalek out of the Palo Alto group wrote a book and began to assess therapy relative to change. It wasn’t about ‘feeling good’ but ‘doing good’. In CBT you felt what you thought.  But in Change Behaviour feelings were thought to follow from changed behaviour.  The whole concept of ‘Secondary Gain’ which was central to Psychoanalysis was again addressed.

Motivation Therapy which assesses first the ‘Willingness to Change’before assigning resources specifically works on changing behaviour.  STory Telling therapy is another ‘change behaviour’ which works on ‘changing behaviour’.  12 step facilitation therapy works on changing behaviour.  Indeed there are a variety of new models of therapy which use ‘change of behaviour ‘ as the point of outcome.  Not ‘feeling good’.  These are advanced in Occupational Therapy schools. 

Somewhere back there I typically began to wander. If I were to actually be writing a paper I’d stop with the discussion of psychoanalysis, avoid mentioning the Borg College which invariably throws me off thinking rationally about therapy. It’s as bad as mentioning politics today. Like most of my patietns I’m in Existential Fog.  ‘What the fuck happened.”  

When I began in psychiatry and did psychotherapy for decades it was an old adage if a person ‘s problem could be solved with a raise or a vacation it wasn’t a psychiatric problem.  Thanks to government mismanagement and society change and the rise of the black market and delusional processes, the majority of my patients have principally ‘sociological’ issues. As one psychiatrist said, “I feel I should stand in the office with three signs and hold up which every one applies. His signs were ‘GET A JOB!” “GET MARRIED” or “GET A LIFE”.  Most of his patients wanted to feel good but without eating vegetables. Their lives were so socially unbalanced that there was little expectation psychological change would help. Half or more of my patients are physically severely limited. Increasingly my psychiatric role is ‘advocate’ whereas the government saying they want to help patietns punish those who actually are on the frontlines. The wealth of medicine is now far removed from the patient doctor interface.  The patients ‘depression’ is increasingly tied to their financial problem and the health care system doesn’t pay for the therapy they ‘need’.  There are ‘cures’ for ‘cancer’ but their ‘government health care plan’ doesn’t cover that.  

Patients are no longer depressed because they’re psychotic but indeed the ‘system’ is psychotic.  The lunatics are out and the normals are in the asylum. There’s all manner of ways of saying it but mostly my patients would get a whole lot better with a raise or a vacation and what they’re told they get is another as like antidepressant when what they need in their work is cocaine because they’re being asked to do the job of ten people for less a and less compensation Mostly they can’t afford to live in Vancouver. Those aren’t traditional psychotherapy issues.  Increasingly I’ve been ‘teaching’ people how to hire a lawyer, access advocacy groups, get into an education program, get funding. I’m doing ‘social work’ because they don’t have social workers. I’m increasingly doing general practice medicine because 50% of patient don’t have a family physician and 80% of psychiatric patients don’t. So rather than thinking of what’ unconscious issues or drives are involved in the patients presentation’ I’m actually ‘rescuing’ the patient by writing a prescription for an antibiotic.  I’m constantly fighting for patients to have what the government insurance policies promised them but has refused to provide them. I am waiting 2 years for sleep disorder consults and 6 months for MRI’s.  Increasingly patients are asking me about euthanasia because of the delays and beurocracy and their negative social situation.  Many of my patients are living out of plastic bags because of the cockroaches and bed bug infestations.  

When a patient is bleeding the psychiatrist puts finger in the hole or applies a tourniquet.  The Canadian Health Care System is so broken with massive interfering micromanagement and lack of communication and ‘divide and conqueur’ ‘splitting’ tactics of communist administration that doctors are doing little more than emergency care in general.  Going to work for the last decade has felt more like being in a war zone psychologically than the golden years of psychotherapy when patients were not angry with all the broken promises and the general difficulties of ‘just getting by’.  Now most of my patients have no money, no time and are utterly frustrated and want a quick fix and have read all the promises and fantasies on google and see the doctor as a threat because the alternative health care people ‘care’ whereas the ‘government physicians’ are just interested in money’.

Oh well. That’s the way it is.  I miss doing insight psychotherapy , weekly seeing the same person, getting to know them in depth, not talking, sitting in my reclining chair, listening and watching the patient ‘change’. No medication. No ‘feeding’ the patient. No third party person demanding centre stage. I miss the drama of the two people in therapy.  My friend went to jail because she refused to breach patient confidence.  Nothing we say is sacrosanct. Everyone is watched. The paranoids are right.  But I miss that nearly meditative experience in the quiet room. I miss hypnotizing people and seeing them go on to have surgery without anesthetic. I miss a lot of the past therapy eras, the power of group therapy and marriage therapy when I did it. But now I just do ‘walk in clinic psychiatry’.  Like the ‘walk in ‘ doctors in general I miss the ‘relationships’ we had as physicians when we didn’t have to always be fighting for resources for patietns and when the patients were not so socially desperate. We could treat illness not this beaurocratic abortion with the black market and less and less communication and time. I miss the monthly meetings with psychiatrists and getting together weekly with colleagues to discuss cases. I miss the days when the administrators served the people but today we all serve the new masters and they are hard task masters and the problems are mostly ‘social’.  When a person has food we can talk about dreams and fantasies. But insight psychotherapy has no place when people are starving. 




Tuesday, June 11, 2019

31 yo. To 34 yo Psychiatry Residency, University of Manitoba

Psychiatry was very hard.  Surgery was tiring. It was athletic. Late nights, long hours, so many patients, so many people.  But almost like a mechanics shop with a whole lotof cars and trying to fix them with the engines running.

I remember a lung surgeon saying to me, “I do rounds before the patients are awake because I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t really want to know them as people. I’m a technician. I’m there to fix their lungs. Often I have to take them out. You’ve got great hands and will make a great surgeon one day. The trouble is you like people too much. You like to talk to them, listen to them, get to know them. If you want to be a great surgeon you won’t have time for that.”

 General medicine was a lot of memorization. Community medicine was looking at the bigger picture, public health and population considerations. 

Psychiatry was hard.  Everything I believed had another side to it.  

“Psychological mindedness is the ability to tolerate the ‘tension of opposities’.  

The mind and heart must twist and torque and spiral.  The soul is pulled.

 I would spend time with women who killed all their children. I’d spend hours with pedophiles. I’d be with victims of every heinous crime imaginable. I’d talk to people who believed they were the devil. I’ve met Satan dozens of times. I’ve met fewer Jesus Christs. Patients would be in communication with aliens. I’d have people who were the richest and most powerful in the land and yet they had a kink. The multi millionaire international banker who liked to dress in diapers. Every sexual flavour was represented. And all of them were selling.  

I was reading everything I could get my hands on in psychiatry too. I devoured the text books. But where the real gold was was in the journals and writings of the greats.  There’s a marvelous book called the ‘Discovery of the Unconscious.”  It’s hard for people looking back to understand the importance of Freud and his colleagues.  In the age of Rationalism everything was mental and up front. No wonder the soldiers dressed in bright colours and stood opposite each other lobbing lead at one another without ducking. Meanwhile the Indians of North America were hiding behind trees and shooting the solders in the back.

Psychiatry was total warfare. The ‘coping mechaniS ms’ and ‘defence mechanisms’ people learned and used, were guerilla warfare at it’s finest. I’d meet boys and girls who were sold into sex slavery by their mothers. I’d meet incest victims and talk to fathers who didn’t want a stranger to hurt their children so he said that’s why he introduced them to sex so young. I’d talk to hundreds of escorts and prostitutes. The doctors who paid their way through college doing tricks and the men who’d been criminals and buried bodies and now told me about it.

I’d learn so much about guilt and shame and covert and overt aggression. I’d learn that another system would control the behaviour of the group, relative influence upon relative influence.  I’d chart out the mind as Freud did. I’d begin to see the transactional analysis in groups as I once learned ion exchange in kidneys.  

My mind would expand and twist.

I’d walk a mile in the shoes of the psychotic patient. I’d enter their reality. I’d share spines with patients. I’d sit in locked quiet rooms. I’d be attacked again and again.  It was all so dangerous but not the physical attacks, the being held hostage, the black eyes, the wards gone crazy. The dangerously insane women’s ward where the women tore off their clothes and violently attacked the guards while older women were shoving me out the door while the young naked women were keening.  The men would throw shit at the walls.  They’d paint their cells with equations in shit. 

I’d come home and Maureen would complain.  She was always depressed. Her mother was always depressed. They were always tired. They had this mother daughter contest.

My own parents were simple , straight shooters, kind.  I was surprised at how uncomplicated they were. I learned to love to spend time with my father. My admiration for my brother and sister in law grew.

I had friends like Frank who were amazing individuals. I felt so inadequate. I really felt such shame and guilt. All that I believed and did made so much more sense in a different way. I saw my courage as reaction formation. Everything I believed was the cause of some other force I hadn’t considered.

I was writing.  I was reading. I was loving the adventures of Dr. Carl Jung, R. D. Lang, Karen Horney, Scott Peck. They all may as well have been 19th century explorers because they found continents. They mapped this whole other world.  People had killed them in the past. My patients who were seers and clairvoyants. My manic patients really did know what was going on. There were no unidimensional explanations for their psychic behaviour.  Walking onto a ward day after day and having a stranger tell you what you ate for breakfast and all manner of things of your past that they shouldn’t  know and telling you about your wife and her conversations and bouncing off the walls.  I’d try to package everything in the ‘right’ way. It must be a ‘heightened’ awareness. They saw food on your beard. That’s how she knew. 

But even in psychiatry we didn’t talk about the uncanny.  I’d eventually ask spiritual leaders to assess my patients whose psychosis was other than textbook with a great religious flavour. One in ten were not psychotic but having a spiritual experience according to the priest or rabbi or minister. I would talk with these holy men and discuss their understanding of my patients visions. Some would be discharged to monasteries rather than home.

I was working with a French Canadian psychiatrist who would take me to the catholic monastery and I’d see the priests with melancholia, the most depressed people I’d ever seen, who could not eat or sleep but never wanted to suicide. I’d see the miracle of medications in the brain injured and see that the worst cases of schizophrenia had no apparent injury. Word salad speech and hebephrenia and nothing physically wrong. 

I’d learned to hypnotize people to do therapy and now was doing hypnotherapy., I was trained in ‘Amytal interviews’ and over and over again learned the tricks of the psychopaths and sociopaths. All the lies. I’d lived in a tiny villlage now my world was opened to the universe. I was doing psychodrama in groups. I was learning systems theory in family therapy.  I studied “prisoner’s dilemma “.

I studied anthropology. Reading books about culture written by the psychiatrists and psychologists who came from those cultures. I was studying the ways families and communities adapted. I was still flying into the north and seeing natives from mostly Cree, Ojibway and Inuit community. I was learning how Cree were as different from Ojibway as Chinese from Japanese. I was also seeing the incredible ignorance and grandiosity in the system. I had individual teachers who were genius.

I ‘d spoken to Dr. Harry Prosen, this brilliant man with incredible vision and insight. He could be so wise and he so kind.  I’d ask him how I could be the best. I told him I wanted what I saw in Dr. Mark Prober and himself. I said I wanted to be a psychoanalyst but we had no psychoanalyst training in Winnipeg. There were two psychoanalysts and I had one as my mentor for a year. It was difficult and even more difficult dealing with his narcissism. The analysts had each bought a house in the city and immediately had to buy bigger houses when the other bought a bigger house. It really was that ridiculous. But while they had their eccentricities their insights into others and themselves were profound. I was so moved by ‘focal’ psychoanalytic psychotherapy.It was always like looking for the one log in the log jam that stops  the energy flowing. I’d find that log and watch the whole being heal.  

Psychosomatic medicine was the most mystical and uncanny. Literally people who could not walk walked.  I was daily ‘blown away’ by what I saw in psychiatry. It was a whole mystical magical world with patients in a circus in this part of the hospital attached to this ‘real’ world by corridors. Once  you’d step through the doors you were on a different planet.

I entered psychoanalytic training myself. I arranged for a much admired psychiatric psychotherapist, ‘don’t get one who is working in the university. There are a number of people who are outside the system. The university is too incestuous and political. These are people who I’d recommend.” 

There was one name that Dr. Nady El Guebaly, Harry Prosen and Dr. Bebchuck all recommended. I approached him and explained my desire to become a psychoanalytic therapist. I wanted to be his patient. For the next 2-3 years I’d go once a week, sometimes more. It was as profoundly disturbing as a heart surgeon watching his heart removed and another one put in to replace it.  I was not who I thought I was.

I began to change. I was changing. Psychiatry training changes you to the core. We had a group which met and discussed this. We had the brilliant and handsome  Dr. Pierre Leichner to guide us. I was against him for his obvious political connection to the staff but personally he really was a big hearted character, his wife and he, shining lights in the community, their flare for fashion ahead of it’s time in Winnipeg.  

We’d get to know our teachers and staff people intimately. We’d dine with them and talk with them. The conversations to all hours in their offices were deeply moving. What Oxford had been. The sharing of ideas , the discussion of Adler and Reike and considerations of Beck and Rogers. I loved the Milan school of psychotherapy. I’d become fascinated with Dr. Falconer’s Structural Family therapy and even more moved by the work of Dr. Milton Erickson and Jay Haley and their strategic interventions.

We’d work behind two way mirrors. We’d ‘predict’ and ‘prophecy’ what our questions would lead too. Our staff men and women would ask us to enter into the room and ‘ask him why he hit the children’.   

“I predict he will say this’ but in fact if you wait ‘he will tell you this.’  From his family history you see the relationship with the mother and father, he’ll somehow re reenact this. Watch for the tone of voice. Watch for the body language”. 

“Watch for when she dissociates. The clues are so subtle. Watch for the little girl. It will just be a flash. That’s where the angry is. It’s not what he says but what he feels.”

Sure enough we’d go in and interview and do therapy and all thes magicians and holy men and women who were our staff persons would unfold with uncanny routine. Nothing was sacred. There were no surprises. It was like everything people said and did had a neon light explanation. There were endless cues and we’d have them pointed out individully and in group,.

I’d do therapy and record the hour weekly, sometimes twice weekly then meet with my supervisor and go through the recorded tape minute by minute for as many hours the supervisor asking what I though, what I felt. Everything was transference and counter transference.  It was total immersion.

Meanwhile in my therapy, I’d be saying.

“She’s always talking about her mother. Her mother this. Her mother that.”

“How do you feel about her mother?”  

“I hate her.”

‘Why.”

“She’s sucking the life blood out of my wife.  Whenever she’s with her mother she returns hating me and has horrible headaches.It’s blatant but she refuses to acknowledge the association.”

“How doesn’t that make you feel?”

‘Frustrated.”

“Hold that feeling. Our time is up. I’d like to know about other times you’ve felt just like that in your life, in your childhood, in your family, in your school.”

I’d spent months talking without any comment and then my psychoanalytic therapist would have these little spurts of discussion. It was called technically something.  Mostly he’d listen. I’d learned to ‘free associate’.  Counselling isn’t anything like psychoanalytic psychotherapy. Years of free association later I’d try to explain to those who were ‘counsellors’ how they differed but they didn’t understand. 

Counselling is like massage compared to surgery.

As I began to sit with my own patients and let them free associate and learn to free associate I’d have that feeling like I’d have meditating with a monk. There was this great ocean we’d join in and sometimes I’d feel like I was drowning when the patient was drowning. I’d be the child with them, the adult with them and let go of the control and director and the parental role of the ‘counselling’ mode. 

I’d learn to trust the ‘process’. I’d come away often and want to kill myself as my patients did. I’d spend days reflecting on why I shouldn’t . I”d understand their views from their view. I’d become one. I’d meld. I’d do the borderline thing in therapy and join like some kind of Spock mind meld and then I’d find the knot that Laing described as needing untying. Then I’d ask the question that would lead to the ‘aha’ for the patient and overnight the behaviour changed with ‘insight’. Insight psychotherapy was profoundly rewarding but the most difficult and needing the greatest level of training.  It was fine surgery and fine needle work.

I’d learn that some many counsellors just retraumatized patients. I’d learn from the greats how not to bludgeon patients.  Doing hypnosis they’d know what they needed to know but it was all in the ‘timing’ . They were not ready for the insight. They had to be ready. I was studying zen at the time and so much was zen.  

“So he was raped by his father and that’s why he raped his daughter.” As Emerson wrote, “the red slayer thinks he slays and the slain thinks they ar slain, they know not well the ways I keep and turn and toss again.”

There were no black and white and all was grey and the victimizer had been the victim. The reason everyone likes counselling and cop shows and the courts because they have their villains. They’re into tribal revenge. They’re ancient history. The court is about primitives and barbarians. There’s no science. There’s nothing like the therapy sessions where two kids are lost in a sandbox trying to find the way out together. My way is never their way .  

Insight therapy doens’t work with addiction.  Kernberg and Kohut studied the field and found that individual diagnosis required individual therapy. The counsellors like the original therapists want to have one hammer and call everything a nail. I’d later train in ‘brief therapy’, ‘grief therapy’, ‘relationship therapy. ‘Supportive therapy’. ‘motivation therapy’, and 12 step facilitation therapy .I did former CBT. Still to I meet people who thinks it’s the ‘latest and the greatest.’ Just the other day I heard someone talking about B.F. Skinner. We’d be trained in all this and every week observed for hours and have hours to explain and discuss what we were doing.

Psychiatry is like surgery.  

It’s so far removed from general practice that it’s alien.  

I felt alien a lot in psychiatry. I felt like I walked out of this psychedelic world back into the suburbs when I left the psychiatry wards. It was core city.  What was tomorrows fashion was todays disease.

I had the greatest teachers.  Many of my teachers got the Order of Canada despite having me as their most inquisitive and challenging student.  

Thursday, May 16, 2019

17 yo and Shame, Gays, So so Gay, spirituality, psychoanalysis and meditation.

Later there were years of celibacy cycling back to promiscuity.  It was like I could turn it off and then if I smiled young girls came and threw themselves at me. I’d find women in my bed when I came home. I’d be blamed for being charming.I was accused of seducing women. I was told I was irrisistable.  I spent years in therapy.  I didn’t masturbate. I sat cross legged for hours. I prayed. I joined with a Benedictine for meditation.  It was always like something out of Spock.  I’d mind meld with holy men and holy women. We’d watch sun rises and sun sets. Alone together in friendship.

Breathe in breathe out.

 Om mani padme sum.  

I am He. I am He. Blessed Spirit I am He. No birth ,no death ,caste have I, father mother have I none, I am He. I am he. »

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

The psychoanalysis was different. I spoke with Dr. White, the Christian psychiatrist and we talked over 6 months when he was my mentor. 

« I didn’t find it helped much. My colleague found it exciting. But then there’s always something exciting in confessional for the listener. A kind of voyeurism.  But counselors like this. With little training. Hearing people speak of their inner secrets.  But I didn’t have any secrecy’s. I share everything with Jesus. I have a wife and church and pastor and Christian friends.  We talk openly among one another. We really are a community of God. I know people talk of that. But I found it.  I’d recommend you do too. I’ve heard you talk about your church and you seem to accept a kind of anemic Christianity.  There’s much more.  Not for all but for some. I guess that’s why psychoanalysis didn’t amount to much for me.  I still think he got more out of it. But then we were more interested in technique back then. »

At times the shame was overwhelming. Shame separates one from others, from God.  They say shame means ‘you’re no good’ but that guilt is’ I did something that was no good.’  It’s really nit picking. In the tribe hundreds of thousands of years ago you did something wrong and you were told it was wrong. Any deviation from what was done was wrong. People lived by repetition of right behaviour. Don’t eat the red plant. Eat the green one.  

I loved reading « The World Until Yesterday; What We Can Learn from Traditional Societies. » by Jared Diamond. His first book Guns, Germ’s and Steel had been such a watershed book for me helping me understand the Polynesian people I was working with at the time.  Traditional Societies weren’t the myth of Hollywood and liberal politicians.  The Horror. The Horror. That famous line from Joseph’s Conrad’s Heart of Darkness would come to mind. Everyone and everything was taboo.  The stranger was shunned and killed because that’s how people survived, safely, in the familiar.  

« Freud was afraid of the unconscious.  I thought it a much more reliable and trustworthy thing.  When I fell my body would automatically attempt to save me. Freud was an intellectual in that rationalist tradition that lead to so many hundreds of thousands of men killing themselves in trench warfare  WW1. «  

I was in Phoenix at an Ericksonian Foundation conference for the second time. I was learning hypnosis from the man who did hypnosis for heart and lung surgery. 

« Some people are allergic to anaesthetics. That’s when I come in.  In the old days everyone had surgery and was just held down by their friends and family.  Now they call me. I induce a trance. It’s often days of training and preparation. Then the person is distracted really. That’s what so much of hypnosis is, distraction.  They’re focussed here and the pain is over there. It works extremely well for acute surgery, brief periods. The dentists have caught on and like it. Of course locals and blocks work just as well. There’s the control factor to. The more you use drugs and procedures the more you rely on power.  Erickson liked to let things grow, trusting the process. Describing how plants didn’t need to be told. He believed that life was an inherent pattern in a person.  He thought Freud was afraid of the unconscious.  He didn’t like children much either.  I like children.  There’s that feminine and masculine aspect of nature. Jung talked of this, anima and animus.  We all begin as female and some of us transform into men biologically. »

I’d love reading Jung and how he saw Freud as frightened of the unconscious and needing control. Jung was more interested in the mapping the unconscious.  Freud was satisfied with his seeing that there was the Superego, Ego and Id. Later Erik Erickson, not Milton, would call these the Parent, Adult and Child.  Jung expanded this map as it were to the Shadow and Face. Then the animus (masculine) and anima (feminine).  He’d go on to study the archetypes and the « collective unconscious » those spiritual moments of ‘synchronicity’ and that sense of wonder.  HE was the son of a minister and his psychology spanned the whole of the myth and theology of the Europe of his day.  Freud by contrast seemed to be presenting an idea of the universe straight out of the Jewish history, limited to that, but with God removed.  They both were so interested in science and all the learning of the day.  Freud would write about anthropology.

Ivan Illich, the great French philosopher would write a book called Gender where he’d trace the domains of dominance by male or female of all aspects of life to the gender designation given them in language.  Le Auto meant that the ‘man’ had principal responsibility for this machine but ‘la maison’ designated this as principally the ‘mother or wife’s domain’

So much of the richness of existence and the sacred was lost to the bulldozing stupidity of Cultural Marxism, that Frankfurt school of intellectual nonsense that reduced everything to binary.  Marxism could be summed up as ‘rich and poor’, ‘bourgeoisie and proletariat’ and the rich oppress the poor. The exact same reasoning of the paranoid schizophrenic. There’s ‘them and me’ and I’m their ‘victim’. A very effective revolutionary design that served as the basis of aetheist war and murder of hundreds of millions of men women and children in a mere hundred years or more. No other religion had such a killing history.  Yet sadly Jews especially and all others refuse to let go of one of their own. As if Jewish intellectuals are a Navy Seal platoon of the mind that must keep bringing their fallen colleague back.

My famous colleague, a Jewish psychiatrist who survived Auschwitz would say with disdain, « Feminism is one of the maggots crawling of the dead body of Marx and Freud. »  

« A little girls religion, » she’d say. She was friends of Gloria Steinem and said her personal life was a train wreck.  « So many of the academics write and sound good until you know them up close. ». 

I’d meet the woman who lived beside my favourite gonzo journalist, Hunter S. Thompson.  

« He kept peacocks. Try sleeping when your neighbour has these bloody peacocks that wake at dawn and make all manner of racket. He’d be passed out after shooting his guns off in the early morning. The peacocks would shit everywhere. You know goose shit but peacock’s are a whole lot bigger. So the shits that’s much more.  Worst neighbour I ever had. All his neighbours hated him. Mostly the peacocks and the gun noinse in the middle of the night.  Otherwise he was fine. The peacocks were impossible. »

I cycle back to that night. Over and over again. Trauma does that. This is trauma.  Betrayal for sure.  Sexual so more subtle and worse in some ways than the blatant loss of a limb.  Sexual matters are like worms that burrow under the skin.  I suppose the loss of the limb is worse but the shame may be less. It’s hard to compare. I’ve not lost a limb but I have experienced what would be called rape. I agreed at first then changed my mind only to be held down and penetrated. A rapist might get off on the technicality. I’ve heard a lot of men describe that as ‘normal’. 

Indeed the sophisticated sexual older women of my youth would say ‘no’ as I penetrated them and this ‘pseudo rape’ fantasy loomed large. 

I stopped and she said,  ‘don’t stop. Don’t stop’....

« But you said’ no’ . 

« Ignore me’. »

« Just continue. Pound me. Pound me. I want you to fuck me. »   

«  But you said ‘no’. »  

« I didn’t mean it. ..  Do you want a discussion or do you want to get fucked. »

 I wanted  to fuck but I almost couldn’t because she’d said ‘get fucked’ . I found myself thinking about syntax and construction. Was she fucking me or I was I fucking her?

She was a few years older and had come on to me inviting me into the wealth and elegance she had. She was certainly more established.  She told me this was just sex. She didn’t want a relationship but wanted to fuck. Then she’d said ‘no’ and ‘yes’.  I didn’t go back after a while.  She was confusing. I was young and sex was always available but in bursts with dry periods in between.  Seasonal. With flurries. Women always told me they found me attractive.  They only got angry when I refused them or left. Then they’d be venomous. I loved Zorba the Greek. The « complete catastrophe’ he called it. « Never say no to a woman. »

But I was wondering if I was gay.  I had been that night. I’d had no food. I was hungry.  Never go out hungry if you can avoid it. I was without transportation. Boys don’t hear always have money to get a taxi home.The guys in the band had the car. They weren’t leaving. They were conspiring.  There was champagne and caviar. An exotic spread in an elegant penthouse. I loved the warmth and ambience. All the older guys. I was the youngest.  I was a poet.  I believed in diversity and learning. I didn’t want to. I said no over and over again. 

« I like girls’.  I don’t want to. I’ve never been interested. ». 

« Okay, but just come. You don’t have to do anything. He just said he liked young boys and would make the record if we brought young boys. He didn’t say you’d have to fuck. We said, we’d see. »

That was the conversation in the car. When Lonny took the gun from the glove compartment and slipped it into his pants. Meaningfully.  Manly. He did that when we went to a party. Part of his schtick. Having the pistol and showing us he had the pistol.  

We went up the elevator.  

There were others there. Mostly the old guy though. HE was very attentive. « More champagne’. « Another jay ».  

I drank and smoked.  And watched the movie he put on.

It was everything I’d never seen. I sat on the couch completely stoned.  Everyone said how powerful the dope was. Really good stuff. And the wine was so sweet. Bubbles. Went to my head.  And I saw there watching gorgeous men and naked women and orgies of men and women then the pictures would change to just women, all so beautiful, all mingling like a kaleidoscope of Kama sutra, then just men, and animals and children and I just sat and watched. Stoned. And frozen.  I was paralyzed and My brain a wet noodle.  I felt so good.

I looked down at my lap.  The old guy was down on his knees between my thighs was sucking my cock. I don’t remember him unzipping my fly. I don’t remember how long he’d been sucking my cock. All the band and the other men were standing by watch, sipping drinks, tasting jouer douerves. It felt  good then. He was taking my hand and walking me to the bed room. I was watching this happen to me.

He gave me a Playboy and I stared at a centre fold as he undressed us. Then we were naked and his hands were all over me as were his lips. Then he guided me into him but I kept going soft. 

« Look at the Playboy » he’d say  and I’d look at the Playboy centrefold on the pillow by his head. I’d stay hard then and finish.  He’d clean me up and dress me.  Then before I left I’d watch Lonny pulling out a contract and getting his signature. Lonny had been watching too. I thought that creepy.   My ‘friend’ was laughing and smiling.

« You took one for the team. Good on you. » He said, like we were in school and I’d held up the end. 
« I  wasn’t going to do it. I never could but you did. » he said and I hated him.  I knew I hated him. T.s. Elliott.s Hollow Men.

A while later an older friend at the university invited me to a faculty party her professor was throwing. I was the youngest there too.  Just out of high school. My friend was from Vincent Massey a year or two ahead of me and now studying poli sci and English.  

There were all these papers and every where bottles of wine.  A guy came in with two green garbage bags of marijuana and dumped them on newspapers  laid out in the centre of the room.  Rolling papers were thrown around.  My friend met another man and they began to kiss. I sat down with a glass of wine. She went up stairs with him .  A while later she came down. I was drinking more wine and just chain smoking dope. I was in heaven. Never had I seen so much dope.  I was l’église and everyone  was happy. I was drinking wine and smoking dope watching couples kiss then go up stairs. 

The professor had done it with students and his wife had done it with students. Old people, young people. Then she took my hand. It was so soft. Her face was so round and close. Her voice sounded miles away. The music was floating through the air like staffs. I was seeing it. I followed her  up the stairs. She showed me the babies in the crib in another the room. The professors and his wife’s. 

But then she took me into the extra bedroom. The bed was big and soft with huge mirrors on the ceilings and walls. I saw she had trouble getting my jeans off.  I couldn’t seem to help. I was in that drooling staring catatonic dope state. She’d walked out of her own clothes like they were designed for rapid exit.  She was naked before me stroking me and untangling my jeans from my stocking feet. She pushed me back onto the bed and straddled me.  I supposed I consented. I could say I was raped. No clothes so no deep pockets. No fowl. No thoughts like those in those days. Today a new game of rape history for profit. 

I hadn’t  hada volitional thought. I was like Garp. She was probably merciful. Practicing charity.  I was in the flow A silly dope grin on my face. My mind a loose noodle. My erection a mind of it’s own. The only place with blood I was all vegetable. She’d hardly mounted me when I came. Not quite premature ejaculation, at best a peri-mature. coming. She was upset. I was supposed to wait. But I wasn’t home. He had a mind of his home but she rolled her eyes at me. She brusquely dressed me like a child.  

She walked me quickly down the stairs and left me by my pile of marijuana and poured me another glass of wine, immediately taking the next  man upstairs. He looked as blotti as me. I rolled another joint, had another glass of wine and wonder if that had just happened.  There’d been so many going up and down the stairs before the night was through. I thought she was wonderful. I felt wonderful. I almost took off my clothes in the living room but somehow stopped myself that time. Taking off my clothes seemed to take up a lot of thought and time. Eventually she came for me and put my parka on. We went out in the cold. She never asked me out again. I know it wasn’t anything I said because I didn’t speak. 

I was passive. Passive was great. Over the years I’d move all over the passive active spectrum. I felt I had to be active. The more active the better.m Married  for years , years later ,I’d get kinks in my neck spending my life between her legs licking an eternity as she said that’s the only way she could orgasm. 

« I don’t orgasm with intercourse, » , ‘she said. She seemed to. Come to think of it she always had a contented smile on her face. After I divorced I suspected her of lying. She didn’t reciprocate. « Good girls don’t like that. » 

Reciprocation became a theme with money and sex when I was a marriage and sex therapist..

I would sit for hours and and years and listen to couples dicker ant trade. Then the courts would talk about money like they’d talked about sex. Everyone wanted to be served but no one wanted to serve.

« He just fucks me. Never once asked what I wanted. Just fucks me. I take care of myself. I never had an orgasm till my girlfriend introduced me to her vibrator.  Never had one with him even after. I just lay back. You know that mothers told their daughters to ‘lie back and think of England’. I don’t think of England but I just think of other things.

« So here’s the joke, doctor. «  a patient told me »What’s the difference between a mistress, a prostitute and a house wife.?’

« What? I humoured him. I was seeing so many men for sexual abuse. All these macho men, leaders in society, doctors, chiefs, colonels. Coaches. First it had been the residential schools Then it had been word of mouth. You should talk to Dr. Hay about that. The newspapers made it something men could talk about. I loved the psychologists who had begun the BC Society for Sexually Abused Men. I talked to them in early days met the doctor who’d been 20 years with a male lover and 20 years with a female lover. « I love the person not the  genitals’.he told me. 

« What? ».  He was laughing. Sexual jokes were manly.

« The prostitute says, are you finished yet. »
‘The mistress says ‘more, Cherie, more’
‘The housewife says ‘beige, I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.’

He was one of hundreds of good men who married in good faith and their wives decided they didn’t want sex anymore. Not after the kids. A myriad of excuses. They were good church women. Upstanding citizens. Withholding bitches.  Cunning conniving insensitive takers.  Stupid cows. Controlling. There were a thousand words that had come down through the ages to describe the situation. Always she said, he said. But in the end if the man slept outside of the house then  he lost the house and he  children. The women came in too and told me of lovers who were gardeners and how they were having sex with the  father or brother or best friend.  All I heard especially when I worked with the country.  I was a psychiatrist and I flew from town to town and worked in a variety of cities and different countries. But every person was telling me a sexual story of horrible sadness.

« My other doctors didn’t ask if there was anything that was bothering me, My psychiatrist says he’s just there to give me pills. He didn’t discuss sex or marriage and especially didn’t want to hear about affairs.

« He brings home men from the office to use me. Says he likes to watch. »

« If I don’t sleep with the men he doesn’t sell another car. I like it really. They say women don’t like that sort of thing but I do. I’ve always had a healthy sexual appetite. I don’t think my husband could fulfill it alone . This works. He likes money more and I make him a lot of money. »

« He was my pimp and the father of my children. »

‘The judge told me about her love of sex and role play.’

« She was a Wiccan ,’ she said. She described the orgy with the other naked white witch women and the happy young man.  
« He was in his  twenties and we asked him if he’d help us in our ceremony. Nothing painful. No one would be hurt. There were six of us. That’s the number you know. We all had a go with him. He was a really healthy boy. »

« My husband doesn’t care what I do as long as he’s got his football games.’

« If married women had sex with their husbands there would be no prostitution. Almost all my customers are upstanding men who are married, bringing home the bacon and doing their part but married to these cold bitches who simply don’t care for them. I service them and they think of me like they think of the garbage man. I fulfill my role. The women here know what goes on .  They’re not stupid. A lot of women just see their husbands as dirty little boys they use. »

« I dont know if I’m gay, I told the psychiatrist. I’ve never looked at another man and been interested in him. I’ve never dreamt of sex with a man. I’ve sometimes thought back to that older guy and his friend who fuckd me.  It wasn’t pleasant. I was hungry. I wanted dope. It was only a couple of times. I never went back.  I met Nancy after that and one girl lead to another. I loved sex with women. I masturbated to images of sex with women. I wanted women . I loved women.  But they say if even you have one time with a man it’s just a matter of time.  You’re either / or. »

« Thats’ not true,’ he said.  He discussed the spectrum.  « You’re definitely heterosexual.  My gay patients never think of women. Some men switch like women. I ‘m seeing a woman now whose husband died after 35 years and three children. She has an older lady friend and they’ve become intimate. She doesn’t know what to make of it. But it’s easier for them because no one thinks of two older women living together. Not that a lot of them aren’t lesbian but that’s what they think of men living together. Especially young men. »

I thought a lot about this.  Everything was a default pattern to the sex I knew married.  Married sex in a loving relationship with a woman was unsurpassed in my experience. I’d known years and decades of it. The hierarchy rancher than binary. 

There are many reasons for breaking up. She lost interest in sex. I found that that was what did me in. She just stopped having sex. She might have been having an affair and she said she was always tired. She turned away. She said no. I was rejected another million times by women and now it was my wife. I kept thinking of that study that showed men had been told ‘no’ a thousand times to women being told ‘once’ and how rejection saddened men in the dating world but made women angry.  The psychologist out of California who did the sexual research said, « Feminism is dead. Women simply cannot shoulder the burden of sex that men do. So the species simply can’t perpetrate with women being in charge. They simply won’t take the risk of rejection and want everything their way in the bed room. »

« Did you hear the joke about the two girlfriends at the woman’s sexual palace,’ she said.

« No. »

Freud said jokes were veiled hostility but he wasn’t a very funny man and quite insecure according to his colleagues.  He did accept that humor was a as mature a ‘defence’ or ‘coping strategy’ as ‘altruism’ . His daughter, The brilliant child psychiatrist would go on to write about lines of development.  Some of the early group who worshipped Freud still speculated about what his developmental disorders were. 

« Sometimes the paranoids are right’, he’d say fleeing the Nazi’s. He’d get cancer from smoking his cigar. Horrible mouth and throat cancer. Surgery and pain. The later somatic psychiatrists would speak of Anger and Organ susceptibility.  Those were the years when breast feeding and bottles were an issue. Then there was Abraham who said depression was anger turned inward. The somatic doctors considered much of chronic illness repressed anger . That certainly jived with a lot of stress research.

« The women are dying of breast cancer because the men aren’t fondling them. The men are dying of prostate cancer because their wives aren’t havening sex with them. »  He and his wife were both psychologists and they taught ‘energy flow’.

The facts scientifically were that much of prostate cancer was the same as cervical cancer. Herpes Simplex II STD  virus and too many sexual partners. His argument though was for much more sex with just one partner. They were very much monogamomay proponents.

So many patients told me of their involvement with the Polyamory Society.  This was different from the ‘swinger set’.

By this time I’d seen dozens of transexual assisting them in their process getting tremendous support when I kept them going forward towards surgery and then getting tremendous backlash and stigmatisation when I pointed them the other way to the door.  There was so many politicals in medicine by then. Competing factions. The drug company celebrated the ‘influencer’ and ‘leaders’ who got the most drug sales. No clear association with correct diagnosis or the increasingly criticized ‘morbidity and mortality’ concepts.  The College bureaucrats suggested a paradigm more  like Walmart . 

« Doctors are the service personnel. ». « Remember the customer is always right.’ 

« Your job is to move product. » 

I was castigated when I wouldn’t agree with a child having a sex change. I was all for adults having freedom of choice, that modern technology gave us many options. Luddites continued to criticize everything but cherry picked the clean water and efficient transportation. I wore a dress then. I liked going to church in high heels with red painted nails. We were all part of a society where women dressed as men and men dressed as women and we went out for dinner.  I felt so vulnerable in heels, so unable to run. I couldn’t understand how women had ever allowed men to take away their right to carry a purse gun.  I wore this skirt and had these thin little panties and only thought about being available for sex with my butt pushed out by my heels. 

We talked about this. « « In my lumberjack shirt and jeans and boots I want to swing an axe and mount a woman....the clothes are so defining ».

« Ive said it for years women are transvestites in modern society and men are the ones who are restrained. The man’s suit jacket was developed by the British army as part of their uniform in the 18 hundreds. I’m dressed for daily war and you’re dressed for love making. It’s so unfair.’

We all laughed over dinner and talked of sex changes and hormones. Many of the wives were there.  We played games like seeing who won the fashion contest shopping at Thrift stores without spending more than  $20. I was a wreck.

« You have to come out, » he said. He was my priest and I shared with him my confusion and frustration. 

« What’s more coming out than wearing a dress, make up and high heels. »

« But you’re gay. « 

« I like women. »

‘But gay includes that. It’s us and them. They believe in this one heterosexual myth. Strictly binary. ». 

If that’s the definition then I’m gay but I don’t think that’s very scientific. Political, maybe but not at all scientific. I liked Dr. Bea’s work out of Berkeley. She has men who’d rather die than switch and the women who were the same and that opportunistic middle group which went with the flow. I’m there. I won’t die to be straight or gay. I remember my Christian friend liking that there were other men like him who’d die rather than let anything touch their behinds. What really angered him was when I told him that there were an equal percentage of gay men and gay women who felt the same towards heterosexuality.

« It’s sexual addiction. » he said.  What did God want? That seemed pretty straight forward when it came to procreation but the relational part of sex was not so clear. There was a very good evolutionary argument that sex was fun far before it was functional. Monkeys don’t associate sex with procreation and many not have figured that out till animal husbandry days. But men and women have been doing it since the beginning as well as looking for love in all the wrong places. But we tend to judge others who sin differently than ourselves. 

The monk Ispent time with rejected all attachment.  The Stoics did the same but my philosopher professor friend was an epicurean.  We debated the Greeks once again.

I thought my body didn’t care whose lips were on my penis, male or female, but my mind felt differently.

That’s when I considered all the men and women I’d seen at work who had been into  bestiality. That through another log into the fires of the long discussions of ethics, morality and psychiatry.  As primitive even barbaric cultures move into the scientific modern age almost yanked out of ancient centuries they are trying as hard to pull us back into the dark ages. It is alright to fuck a goat but only if the goat consents. 

« Doctors shouldn’t talk about sex with their patients especially male doctors with female patients. If they insist there may be a reason but it’s best then to refer the patient to the same sex doctor primarily someone who is trained only to deal with sex. It doesn’t matter that there is no such person. It doesn’t matter if the wait list are years. You just must act like a doctor. Nothing is real. You just act like you care. Like I act like I care. The  jaded didn’t know they were jaded, »

A speciality in sexual medicine might be a consideration. « But it’s better not to ask questions about sex. ». No one does anymore and the children are again sexually abused and the darkness descend because the elite don’t care. The kill by neglect, murder by covert aggression. And lies 

He was a pompous fool who brought in sharia trained people to teach the students the proper medical exams . He worked for pharmaceutical companies and governments who had been caught covering up corruption so thick that the stink reeked throughout the valley. He was impervious to change.  Superior in a way that made a human chuckle.  He knew nothing about psychiatry and even less about sex. The money laundering was all he cared about the billions and billions of dirty money and dirty people. He was such a disgusting dirty little boy. Leonard Cohen said he’d be the KY Jelly. 

« Women don’t lie about sex’ his colleague said with a straight face on another occasion. Her divorce from  another physician and her sexual perversity  was common knowledge. A train wreck but always wearing white cotton panties.  The look in her eyes was vacuous. 

« They recruited women who hated men and hated sex. Communists mostly. They have peculiar ideas about sex.  Honey pots and promiscuity.  Engles and Marx were against the family. They fooled around themselves. Like the UN committee on sexual equality chaired by the Saudi Muslims, with not a woman present , and they don’t see a problem with that. They called all of this ‘superego lacunae’ when i was doing analysis.’

I was at the World Congress of Psychiatry talking with the Head of Moscow Psychiatry.  I had painted my nails red.  Men and women psychoanalysts told me how much they liked the color. Bringing the painted nails to the centre of the conversation intrigued, hoping I’d share,  but I just said ‘thank you’ .We talked about what we thought the sexual proclivities were of the present leadership of men and women . 

« We always got together and talked of them as children. « Merkel’s still Stazi ».  « What’s with all the mommy’s boys ? «  « Macron «   
« I don’t know what to make of Trump. He loves women but does he like to get spanked in the bedroom like our British leaders.’ 

 We laughed and it was good to be home among adults away from the asylum of the government and the faculty where they ‘d hired all the perverts who covered up for them.

I’d feel the gay older guy took advantage of me. He certainly drugged me and had sex with me. Just like my female friend did. I didn’t put up much resistance with either of them once my body was in play. A bit like a dog humping furniture. Date rape might be the term today but back then everyone was ‘easy’.  We drank and did drugs and even guys ended up with guys and girls with girls. We joked that if you remembered the 60’s and 70’s you simply weren’t there.  The Kavanaugh public drama was such a lie.  False accusations now running 40%. The « me too » movement as much about Weinstein being Jewish as about his being an obvious pig.  

Ugly men got positions of power and women without money or power exchanged sex for power. It’s there in the Museum of Sex I visited in New York.  I went au femme and I went drab. We read the histories on the wall. The number of species who were ambivalent. The biological record and the record of cultural history. 

I remember defending the Little Sisters costly and painful long running legal battles over censorship. I’ve always been a libertarian, hated the communist dictatorships and other dictatorships. Loved freedom. I thought it wrong that some dirty little political biddy with no sex life of her own, culturally immature, would spend countless nights alone or with her select and special boy and girl friends, perhas her family, deciding what other adults could see. The arrogance. 

I  was  the Youth Representative to Parliament and gave a speech on freedom against communism. Now the slippery slope has begun with hate speech and Islamaphobia.  Homophobia was a lie , just the binary idea of the thing not that gays aren’t persecuted, and it just snowballed .Even antisemetism back fired. A whole new victim industry. The fall of society with half the population accountable while the other half are not and claim entitlement by aneient victimship. Years ago I wrote extensively about the war between the ‘whose up and whose down’ the « one upmanship’ competition of men and the ‘one downmanship competition of women. » male bullies and female bullies.

I have had sex with a woman hundreds of thousands of time and sex with a man a dozen perhaps.  I understood her dilemma when she told me that her lesbian friends were rejecting her saying she wasn’t a lesbian anymore because she hadn’t had a girlfriend in a couple of years. She told me how boring the lesbian commercial drive society had become with who slept with who and who had the youngest. And she just hadn’t found anyone she loved. Her last partner had died after a ten year romance. I remember the lovely lesbian nurses I adored who I worked up north with and had at my home when they came down to the city.  Now here was this patient. Not lesbian ‘enough’. 

The pendulum had swung from gay being illegal in 1968. I’d dressed in a hot mini skirt and made a pilgrimage to Stonewall one night to see the drag show. It was very conservative. I was more outlandish in my space age wig.  I’d had to put together a costume at one store for under a hundred, The American I had in cash.  The young black girl had had a hoot helping me dress for the occasion.  Faces of New York wanted to photograph me. How funny was that.

But then the shift occurred. The mixed result of the Aids epidemic. My San Franciscan Anglican priest friend told me he was at a religious conference as a speaker following his Baptish friend who’d just heard that thered’ been another earthquake in San Francisco.

‘He’d then gone on to blame this on the gays and insist that their sinful life style had caused their the earthquake like it caused their Aids.. »

Hearing this I thought of all the men I’d seen when I served in the aids epidemic who’d got their disease from tainted blood the BC government and Red Cross had given them. I thought too that Aids was a heterosexual disease in the rest of the world and mostly my patients got it sharing needles.  I thought of the babies. I’d gone to courses at the conservative Regent College and the Liberal Vancouver School of Theology specifically to study « how come bad things happen to good people’ . It was what Job, the least taught book of the Bible was about. 

«  I told  my friend that I thought his friends  description of the earthquake and disease science was pretty sketchy. »

He went on to tell me, « I’d called my parish because I’d been concerned and found out everyone was alright. But I simply don’t like this old blaming and shaming holier than thou theology. »

« When I got up right after him, I shared that I was really thankful for my learned friend’s analysis and observations and that I would go back to my parish in San Francisco and Check this out immediately because I’d just called to see if everyone was alright and found out the epicentre of the earthquake was in our convent  nunnery. You can be sure  I’ll be looking into finding out if all these women are really homosexual men fornicating and spreading Aids.  I thought they were really nice and kind chaste ladies and never knew. ‘ 

« The assembly of ministers and priests had collectively not been on the side of witch hunts and blame and shame but  laughed uproariously. Even my Baptistfriend acknowledged I had a point »

« So remember a decade or so ago when if you sucked one cock the heterosexuals kicked you out and the gays took you immediately. » I asked my authoritative gay friend.  He nodded.

« I’ve got this patient who thinks she’s not gay enough so I was wondering now that gay is very much « in » how many cocks does a person have to suck to be gay?’

« None, «  he said. 

« It’s where you shop. »