Monday, Princeton

Monday morning. I’m still on top of the mountains. The industrial sounds of the mine began in the distance.  I’d thought to spend the week but decided to return. ,I didn’t even know if the camper and quad would be ready for me to go Friday.  As they were I headed out. Madigan and I had a blast riding around the back woods on the quad. I must have seen a dozen or more grouse but shot 5,  

I missed a half dozen rabbits only getting a shot at a couple.  What a circus that was.  I was using the new Siberian 223 semi auto but both times I didn’t get the clip in right.  The rabbits got bored with me fiddling with the rifle. I thought I’d sorted it out at the range but not quite.  When I finally had the magazine seated the first time it still misfired because I didn’t feed a cartridge into the chamber correctly.  The second time I got the clip in correctly and had a shell in the chamber but couldn’t find the target in the new. Scope.. When I finally took the shot, I missed but couldn’t take advantage of the semi automatic because Madigan burst off the quad and gave chase,  With the shotgun and grouse he’d waited till the release command but he could see the rabbit and the Siberian made a different louder noise.  Back on the quad he was leashed in again. More training . But We had fun.  

My RV storage place isn’t open on Sunday so I normally take Monday off to return the Camper and quad and trailer.  Because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get away I was booked at the office. I’m going to work virtual for the morning I have the Starlink working fine and being on top of the mountain have good enough cellular coverage. I had even thought of working the week and going back next weekend but for the Starlink I have to run the generator.  The quad takes a few gallons a day driving around the backwoods.  I don’t have enough fuel. My water supply is low too. I took a shower.  I have a toothache from a broken filling and would like to get into see the dentist.  I already miss civilization.

It’s also 4 points season. I’ve never seen a 4 point in the woods in hunting season.  Of the 30 or so deer I’ve shot almost all have been spike or two points, and one three point.  Izek shot a three point this weekend. 

Kevin had called to tell me they were camping and hunting in the valley. They were where I was bow hunting last weekend.  I’d decided as it was dark and raining I’d come here where I knew I could camp not too far off the paved road.  Alex shot a bear too.  Im happy with the grouse.  I just love watching Madigan retrieve them.  The valley is where the game still are.

I shot two grouse out of three.  Madigaan is a one grouse dog. He heads straight for the movement and then kills the still living Big Bird if it’s wounded.  I worry about him but he’s all in it. A true bird dog.  Then he comes right back waddling with the grouse in his mouth.  

He couldn’t comprehend the idea that I’d shot two and wasn’t willing to leave the one I’d taken and put in a bag on the quad.  With a whole lot of encouragement he went down the hill to where I’d seen the second grouse drop in a wood pile. Sure enough once he was down there he found the grouse and slayed it in an epic battle dodging the wounded grouse’s beak like it was a cobra snake. I wouldn’t want to be a partridge faced with a cockapoo. I realized later that my last cockapoo Gilbert would avoid the head by biting the birds butt. .  I didn’t know why at first. Now seeing Madigan face off with the partridge beak I realize it’s an epic battle. This time he literally bit the head off and grabbed the bird by the belly and brought it back.  

I imagine cats also have these tooth and claw episodes with their prey. I remember my bigger dog Shinto, cross Irish Setter and Springer spaniel would hold the bird down with his paw and bite the throat.

Mostly the bird is dead from the shot. I ran out of number 6 pellet for the 20 guage and shot these with the too light number 8 target load . I actually hit a couple of birds on the fly but the pellets just bounced off and the bird flew to safety.

Gilbert my last cockapoo would only fetch rarely. He’d find the bird and lead me to it. He’d also look to flush more birds and go with me to collect the kills.  Shinto, my really trained hunting dog I put a lot o time in hunting with , would actually flush as many as he could for me to shoot, actually chasing them and getting them to fly for the me to take the perfect shot.  We were a team. He’ also fetch all the birds and one after another bring them to the road where he’d drop them and go back and get another.  He’d even lead me to the tree where a bird had flown away too. I suspect he followed the cooing having watched the flight path when it got away.  I followed him a half mile through the woods on occasion to get a bird in a tree.  I shot a whole lot of grouse with him.  

I shot a lot or grouse with Gilbert too. He was the favourite dog when three of us went hunting and he flushed a whole lot of birds way up north,’

Madigan is learning, He’s at the stage where he dropped the first bird and when I coaxed him to get the seecond he brought it but wouldn’t let go of the bird. I could see his little mind going, “I brought you yours . Now this one is mine.”  

We have 5 grouse.  I’ll dice them at home, fry them in butter with some lemon or orange and honey and serve on rice. He’ll get a share.  Last night we had barbecued pork chops.  Madigan’s a good little dog.  

Time to get ready for work and the trip home.  I’m looking forward to the luxury and comfort of home.  

I enjoyed the old gods of England in Dirk Slattery’s Wholistic Detective Agency, the series Adams had written after the Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy.  I liked that Thor had given up sleeping out and had moved into a nursing home for the clean sheets and meals and starched uniform nurse caretakers.  I’m getting older and even having the quad and camper is a major effort.  

Kevin and Anna, Izek, Kendra, Alex, Billy and Bobby were tenting.  They set up at night in the rain and dark then hiked into a blind at dawn.  I used to always be set in ambush pre dawn. Now I’m afraid to walk off trail through the bush not wanting to slip and fall and break something. If I am to shoot something I have to be able to get it to a road with minimum effort. Gone are the days I carried a deer down the mountain on my shoulders .  

My old friend Bill Mewhort  was the master of ambush. A great hunter.  He used to say novice hunters only saw game when they took a shit because that was the time they weren’t moving and might make the least noise.  My dad was a great one for stalking.  He loved walkin along deer trails in the back woods.  They both stopped hunting younger than I am. They continued fishing years after. I’m wondering when I might go that way.  

I’m a road hunter today.  I think there should be a law against road hunting.  Only us guys over 65 should be allowed to use vehicles but even young I’d road hunt grouse.  With Dad and my brother Ron we’d drive the old truck down the trails to find the prairie chickens.  They’d fly up and we’d get out with the dog and hunt them on foot knowing where the covey was.  It still is a lot of exercise .  Madigan and I still like the guarding and grouse hunting experience. The grouse sure tastes good when I cook it up or barbecue it.

What a weekend!  Time to get back to work and back to the city.  

Camping, Hunting, Ford F350, Adventurer Camper and Honda Tracker ATV

Rifle hunting season opened this week.  I thank Kevin Bustard, a most enthusiast hunter for letting me know he was heading out last night with his amazing older children, Izek, Alex and Kendra.  Anna is in Newfoundland with the little boys, Bobby and Billy visitting.  They are so enthusiastic.  I remember there was a time I drove all night to get an hour of rest before setting up pre dawn to hunt.

I’d had a Happy Jack die on me last weekend bow hunting and camping with Laura.  I’d asked John if he’d be able to fix it short notice.  So I was up at 7 am this morning but after prayer and meditation I was on the couch drinking coffee and waiting to phone John at Chilliwach RV Storage,  

9 am.  ‘Good news! “ he said after greeting, “Your camper is ready to go. My son and I finished up the work just yesterday. 

            “Thank you John!  I’ll be out by this afternoon.”

I loaded the F350.  Hunting license, Rifles, Ammunition Clothes, hand held winch, generator and satellite phone. I’m a little older and in the last few years I’ve taken to carrying the Iridium satellite phone I’d used blue water solo sailing. I get 6 months of limited time. I’ve never used hardly any of it yet.  I phoned Laura with it last week. 

“Hi Laura.”

“Hi Bill”.

‘Madigan and I are up on the mountain. Just checking out the satellite phone”

“It’s working fine. Have a great time.”

“Thanks “.   

Laura like to stay at the camper and read.  She does cross words too. I enjoy knowing she’s there.  It’s comforting to return to company, Madigan loves her,  

I take the Star Link dish as well, That’s why I need the generator in addition to charging cell phone and ipad.

I had to stop at Bosley’s for Madigan’s food.  I forgot how much I had here already but he loved a visit to his favourite store.  He’s been liking chews recently.  He really likes the little squeaky toys too.  Now it’s the little one, once it was big ones.  I try to keep up.

In Langley we stopped at the MacDonalds for the quarter pounder patty for him and a quarter pounder and cheese for me.

It was noon by the time I got to John’s.  His son is taller than him now.  They are both what my mom would call tall strapping men.  Lots of work with hands and shoulders on vehicles.  Remind me of my brother and dad.  Good men.  Skookum work. I love people that are reliable and trustworthy.  I like too that the folk he’s introduced me to like our tow truck driver and Kevin at AdventureRVCentre.  Kelvin from Travco did a great job on the body work. I’d backed up with too short a neck on the trailer.  It had damaged both sides severely.  Kelvin made it all presentable again.

Now John had restored the Happy Jack and reinforced more damage.  

“We had to take our the posts and straighten them, Both rear one were bent.’ John said.

“I thought you were strong but not that strong,” I joked,

“We had the equipment to do it and greased it up so to slides now and won’t burn out the engine,”

I love these guys and the work they do.

After they helped me load the like new Adventurer Camper onto the F350 I drove round and hooked up my trailer.  

Victor had taken my ATV to Kelly at Chilliwack Motorcycle and they phoned just as I was leaving John’s at 3.  I really like having my ATV serviced each year just like my Harley. I don’t want ot break down out in the woods somewhere so I’ m really thankful for the maintenance. I was thankful to Victor for introducing me to these guys some years back.  Just as I was loading the ATV onto the trailer the skies opened and it began to rain buckets.  I drove back to ESSO , filling up the truck , exchanging the propane tank and using the water to fill my tank. Across from the ESSO I saw the Work Wear Store. I’d forgotten rain gear so I stopped in and bought a new fall Helly Hansen jacket

An expensive day,  

In Hope I loaded up on groceries and was pleased to see the refridgerator temperature was falling,  Madigan and I are spoiled and like ice cream camping. 

It was 7 pm when I was leaving Hope. It was still raining, I was listening to the Teacher Great Course Psychology series. I really like learning on the go I spent my life listening to rounds from Psychiatry, Neurology, Family Medicine and Addiction Medicine commuting.  University of Arizona has great podcasts. Each is an hour long and my commuter was usually a half hour each way so each week I’d listen to two or three rounds.  Decades of that in addition to the conventional learning.  I stopped at Macdonalds for  another hamburger paddy for Madigan while I had the chicken sandwich. 

It was dark and rainy and I stopped a few times.  I liked pulling over to let the cars pass while I looked up in the rain at the mountains either side of the road.  Madigan and I liked our road side pee break.  I had a train of cars  behind me a couple of times in Manning Park even though they have excellent passing lanes.  The pull offs are great too. I was tired and going 60 and 80 Km most of the way.  I found my eyes struggling with the dark, rain and on coming lights. It was slippery too and I did a little sliding so was glad to go slow.  It’s quite a load.  

Passing through Princeton I’d thought to rest at the A&W but decided to head on out to here Kevin and his kids are across the valley but I realized that I’d rather go here which is high up, so cell phone coverage, and I know it well, And yes I’ve shot lots of grouse here even if it’s not the best for deer. Also lots of hunters come here now. Not like it was decades back when I was usually the only one I’d encounter.  The last few years there’s been so many hunters you could get a hockey game going with a couple of teams.

There are a couple of RV’s and a couple of big tents by the lake. I’m right in the middle. I had to move the truck to get it level enough and then I used the happy jacks to make it even more level.  I might improve on this in the morning.  But I’m here.  It was 10 pm when I arrived.  As Laura always says , “A day travelling each way,”. 

But we all love the camper especially Madigan.  I’ll be able to unload the quad and get out first thing in the morning. Maybe not the crack of dawn or pre dawn but I’m here and I’ll get in a morning hunt and and evening hunt Saturday and Sunday.  

It’s 11 pm,  Today was Friday the 13th.  Fortunately I’m still working so had the money to do the repairs and maintenance that my bad luck and poor driving cost me from the spring off grid hunt.  I am really delighted that this little home is restored. Last year I drove it down to Arizon and had a terrific time working virtual from my camper and riding my Harley about the incredible cowboy country down there,  Laura and I liked having the camper in Harrison’s .  Thanks to Kelvin’s body work I’ll be able to take this camper into the Good Sam full service resorts which I like to stay at as a break from off grid.  I’d actually thought I’d do more off grid than I do but I like the electricity for the Star Link and indoor hot tubs and pools.  After all those years in tents and roughing it I’m apprciating how dad and mom when they got older loved their bus and also cruises in the Caribbean,  My favourite place now is my couch at home but days like this with all the work and exercise sure make me appreciate home. It’s a joke but it really is true that these expeditions in the wild surely make the comforts of home and luxuries of the city so much more appealing. Laura sent me a picture of her new Roomba checking out her bedroom floor and cleaning it up.  This is Madigan’s world. He got all muddy in the rain and lay on this table so I had to clean of dirt and sand before I had a place to type. At least I don’t have to share a bed with him. He sleeps down here while I sleep on the higher bed which he can’t climb up to. At home he likes to walk accross my face in the bed.  He really is good company Cuddled beside me most of the way.

Well I’m glad to be here.  I’ve arrived safe and no damage to human dog or equipment. Thank you Jesus!!!!Thank you God,  Thank you Holy Spirit.   

Recovery Day Festival, 6thand6th, New Westminster

I arrived early.  Everyone is setting up.  Great to see known folk, Already received a hug from a beautiful Orchard organizer.  Good chat with a Last Door fellow.  Actually spoke to a Cedars volunteer.  Recovery is all about connection. I’ve also got a t shirt, We are #evidence.  

I am always astonished at how good looking everyone is.  It’s a night and day experience with the active addiction folk in the DTES. The men and women here have substance. Considering addiction knows no boundaries.  Recovery is open to all.  I think the women are looking particularly attractive not just healthy but fashion conscious. I remember Avalon centre holding fashion shows for the women in recovery.  After months and years of obsession with drugs and booze they celebrate self care in recovery. An oft heard saying in AA is ‘we’ll love you till you can love yourself’.  The shame in addiction is replaced by the dignity of recovery.  

I remember Dr. Graham Cunningham, Homewood Treatment Centre, now the former director saying, “People begin to eat again and next they visit a dentist,”. Cocaine does horrors to the teeth.  Doug Lovely, my cosmetic dentist and all around great guy  has an office  right beside the bandstand.  I noted several booths representing various dental clinics.  

There’s more tattoos here than at a church picnic.  More piercings . The spirituality here is inspirational.  Addiction is its own religion with alcohol, substances or other addictions as the God that is worshiped. No surprise the old folk called it ‘demon drink’.   People in recovery say ‘religion is for those who don’t want to go to hell and spirituality is for those who’ve been and don’t want to go back.’

A couple of older guys stopped and talked to me.  Shaking my hand and making ‘connection’.  The recovery community is friendly that way.  Addiction is isolation in a bubble with predators trying to take whatever money or life you have.  No surprise they call addiction a country and western song where you lose your family, home, job and truck. Recovery is country and western song played backwards.  All the good stuff comes back.  Health and peace of mind. 

The band is warming up and the female singer sounds New Orleans.  Such a powerful voice.   Powerful drums. 

I always love the dances in recovery because the guys are so enjoying themselves.  The same guys who used to need to be loaded to dance now are having a great time without staggering into tables and starting fights in the parking lot.

There’s Harm Reduction represented here too.  It’s either Palliative Care or a stepping stone to abstinence the’cure’ for addiction, There are some who get recovery either by stopping completely or going at their own speed. All roads in recovery were heading slower or faster away from the abyss.  You don’t have to take the elevator all the way to the sub basement.  You can get off at any floor.  Dr.  Ray Baker’s research showed that recovery from addiction was like other diseases, the earlier the intervention the higher the success.  No one is judging.  The inclusivity in the community is the recognition none are perfect and no one is a saint.  Honesty begins with the recognition of a problem and asking for help. I loved the banner at the IDAA, International Doctors in AA meeting which stated, “We are not alone”.  Addiction is so lonely.  Egomania with an inferiority complex and such a load of lies.

Lots more people here, I’ve had a muffin at Waves with Cafe Latte.  Madigan loves the smells of all the other dogs passing by.  He insisted on a taste of the muffin.  

Well the bands gone funky with a raw rock and roll sound that’s telling me I’ve done enough writing and must get into the present.  One day at a time.  Practicing the presence of God. It’s called the present because it’s a gift.  Getting my head in the same room as my ass is.

I’m so glad I’ve come. Great weather. Great people.  Such a terrific vibe. 

Writing, psychiatry, development, blogging, gratitude

I just read C.S. Lewis on writing.  I am a writer but I am not writing as I could.My stream of consciousness open journal blog project is a bit old.  I like writing my thought. I’d originally thought to share these because so many ‘bad’ people were attempting to censor not just speech but thought. I wanted to clarify that sanity was not a sanitized mind.  As a psychiatrist I wanted people to see that creativity and imagination could be cluttered.  I wanted to share that all the drives and impulses and good and bad thoughts passed through the mind of a supposedly ‘bormal’ or ‘well’ person, The distinction was what one focussed their attention on,  

Cognitive behavioural Therapy certainly teaches us that what we focus or dwell on is what matters.  

The Twelve Steps teach us that we commonly hold resentments and fears and that they underline our daily actions and achievements , 

Mystics like Brother Lawrence have taught us to remain in the present. Carpe diem.  Seize the day.  One day at a time.  Get your head in the same room as your ass is.

Christianity and other faith healings taught the rational person to be aware of their addiction or obsession with the various ‘sins’ ‘errors of distraction”. These were Pride, Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, Envy, Greed, Anger.  Peace of mind and focus on the’ good’ were goals of enlightenment.  Moderation was sought rather than extremes.  

The psychoanalyst taught us that there was an unconscious which influenced our day to day life.  Fundamental drives influenced the rational.  Reproduction or sex.  Fear of death.  Aggression and competition,  

Psychology taught us that the mind wasn’t the Lockian tabula Rosa like the computer or chalkboard but rather a mixture of nature and nurture.  Genetics and imprinting and epigebnetic factors affected our behaviour. 

The philosophers taught us about existential angst.  Victor Frankly taught us the need for meaning and purpose, what he learned from surviving Auschwitz.  

Positive Psychology looked to resilienc, determination, meaning, motivation.  

Motivation therapy helped break old coping strategies which had once been beneficial but now had become chains,

The desire to be ‘free’ was fundamental yet cooperation was necessary for evolution and advancement of individual and group,  Sociology, sociobiology, history, tribal wisdom, memory all contributed to allowing the individual and group to ‘actualize’.  Maslow delineated the various developmental processes and stages.  Freuds original Oral, Anal, Genital stages of development was much expanded by. Erickson with his 8 stages of development. Piaget showed the progress of Neuro development from concrete to abstract. Today we know the brain doesn’t really achieve maturity till 25 and indeed neuroplasticity is such that learning continues throughout life despite the pruning and focus of the neural network towards certain pursuits.

I ‘ve enjoyed journaling my inner confusion, the likes of the play Waiting for Godot’.  I’ve enjoyed sharing my journeys and adventures.  I’ve imagined that others have appreciated seeing that the ‘unneditted’ work precedes the editted work.  Indeed for creativity we encouraged presence, childlike mind and stream of consciousness.  The artist is necessarily at odds with the police.  

Freud described the Id, Ego and Superego.  This was later developed as the Parent, Adult, Child model of Transactional Analysis.  The artist is necessarily more childlike in their approach to reality while the police man is more parental.  Interactions are often at conflict in tone due to these differences in mods of communication.  Don’t talk down to me is a telling phrase.  Who do you think you are is another.  The content or data may not be as problematic ass the carrier wave or tone as in communication theory and ‘static’ seen in Hamm radio frequency 

I like to take pictures, I like to share them, I like that my journal serves to be a reminder of my own history.  If we forget history we are bound to repeat it.  I am amused at the repetitive challenges I encounter when I look back at my journal here.  This is unedited. It was to be the basis for edited works. I have three books in preparation and I’m making low progress because it’s more work.  Writing is fun.  Editing and organizing and such is more work.  I miss having an editor.  I like the division of labour.  I wrote columns and magazine articles saying I became a master of the 10 page piece.  Now we’ve moved to sound bites. I am hoping to complete the book. One is on travel with dogs.  Another is on psychiatry another on spirituality and addiction,  I seem to need time and spac to organize these.  Blogging I can do in a half hour. I don’t need a desk or floor to lay out the whole work . Yet that’s where I want to go and imagine if I retired I’d simply retire to a desk with the three projects set before me and devote three months to each.  I’d like that but frankly I like my life as it is now,  I continue to write as exercise as well, It’s like rifle target practice,  It serves many purposes. For years I wrote and buried the journals of cursive writing in baxes in the basements,  That was before politic abd dark web and social media.  Today we know there is no black and white but always grey and a rainbow of colours. I’m grateful for that. I’m tired of being around the paranoid and angry. I want to play in imagination and dalience enjoying the journey more than the destination, Thank you

.  

Camping Gratitude

Thank you Lord for the morning Thank you for the quiet.  There is only the sound of the creek rushing by. The sound of the highway has hardly woken. I heard one truck go by. There are no sirens. I don’t even have a heat making noise.  She mumbled in her sleep a bit. The dog didn’t make a sound till I got out of bed and used the toilet. Thank you for indoor plumbing and water.

Thank you that I have water. Yesterday I backed the trailer into the water hose post catching the hose on the trailer and pulling off the top causing an unstoppable geyser requiring public works to be called.  She was sitting beside there and didn’t call to tell me I was going to hit something. I couldn’t see it in the mirrors. I’m no good at backing up and relied on her there to help. « I didn’t know what you were doing , » she said, « I couldn’t see. » 

I was blaming and upset.  Another expense I thought. I could pay but equipment costs too much to maintain.  I did damage my last trip out also backing up the trailer.  There are problems in design of the equipment. I’ve asked for help and been brushed off.  It’s the story of my life these days.  Aging.  I express concerns and they’re brushed off. I aware of death.  

Thank you for this day again. I’m glad to be alive.  

Yesterday I got lost in the back woods driving my quad. I took a left turn thinking it would lead to Jura,  It eventually lead to Eris.  But I’d started to secondary main looking logging road only to have it descend into a rock strewn steep trail that had me descending in a bit of terror using first gear and a lot of braking. Madigan was on the Honda Tracker quad behind me.  I’d long given up looking for game and was focussed totally on the descent and not pitchpoling or tipping to left or right. I was glad to cross the railway path but turned north rather than south.  Fortunately some kids on motorcycles appeared and I headed down from where they came up.

That’s when I found the Eris fire department. Across the road a delightful man was backing up his hoe. I drove the quad to him. He got out of his cab when I asked him how I’d get back to Heimbre Mountain Road.  He asked how I’d come to be there and told m I’d made a wrong turn at the sand pit.  He drew me a map. His kid come out to watch the adults. His dogs visitted my dog.  I turned around the quad and headed back out only to find myself in a private property. 

I came out of the private property and turned up a road leading up the mountain. It didn’t seem steep at first but when I hit the bend I could see the next stretch was way to steep. It was broken rocky uneven and I’d have to stand the whole way up if I hoped to make it. I tried to back down but the path was uneven and I immediately feared tipping to the side. There was only one hope, gun it. I did. Ending on a bit of flat beside the trail, heart racing and breath shallow. I didn’t even bother looking back at Madigan. He was leaning into my back his little heart thumping. I was about to be frozen so gunned it again making it to a turn on the off road moss not quite tilting over as I came around.  Then it was straight and back down the trail convinced I’d been guarded by angels and nearly escaped rolling with a quad on top of me,  I headed back to Eris and took a different trail up the mountain eventually arriving at the railway trail , back to the sand pit and onto the tunnel, the helpful guide had marked in his hand written map.  The tunnel clinched it . I was going to be okay.  I found the highway and took the Hiembre Mountain road back to my truck.

Thank you God the truck and trailer were undisturbed. Thank you God that Madigan and I were unhurt.  Thank you God for the beautiful sunny day with just a touch of rain and cloud now,  Thank you God for the Camper. It was great to see it there and great to see Laura sitting outside. I’d thought on the way I’d ask for her help backing in.  But as she was  sitting outside I thought she’d be watching, That’s when I backed the trailer into the tap and created havoc the geyser creating a puddle as I went to get the manager.

He returned and called city works. It was a municipal campground, 

They had it fixed and I was thankful.  I was tired and didb’t know what I was thinking. That they’d shut down the camp. Catastrophising as usual. They did shut the water off for a few minutes but only to that site.  

With Laura’s help I actually backed the trailer into the site without hitting anything else.  I then unhitched the trailer and backed in the truck. For future reference I won’t bring a trailer to this campground. We’ve been coming here thirty years and only twice have I brought a trailer. This is the only time on season and the park was packed and maneuverability was anxiety provoking. I’m exhausted at the end of the day of hunting too. Too much time on the couch and Netflix since Covid. I walk the dog but no athleticism sinc the crisis.  The camper has been in repair half the time too during hunting season because I keep breaking something or it’s just wear and tear. This weekend a happy jack failed and I’ve had to hand crank the jack.  When I get back I’m hoping John will fix it. The waitlist for repairs on trailers is 3 to 6 months. Now I’m in the season when I actually use the trailer.  Oh well, Thank you God I’m alive, Laura’s alive, Madigan’s alive and we’re out here in the wilderness taking a break from the city and the work demands and insaiety.  Thank you for all your blessings ,Thank you for Oxford which has been continually distracting me and filling me with doubt and concern.  Looking back is difficult these days as there seems so little forward. I’ve begun reading old books and watching old movie s and enjoying them. I simply don’t see a future. I’m just muddling along and that’s okay but the new adventure just isn’t there. I m. I’ve a list of achievements but I read Thomas Merton on obscurity and consider the need to surrender and question letting go.  I am going gentle into the night and I’m not raging. Just muddling. I dob’t like the politics and the lies and taxes and the corruption upst me.  Gratitude is the answer. God is good all the time. The Infinite holds every possibility. Phillips was right . My God is too small. I must trust and accept grace. This too will pass. The Hound of Heaven will find me. The long dark night of the soul will end, I’m do the next right thing,  Time is of an essence, Joy awaits. Thank you Jesus.