Pyrrhic Victory

I look back on my life and see a series of fights uneven fights.  As a kid I’d defend the under dog and fight 3 or 4 to 1 odds to help someone being ‘picked’ on. I was even ‘chivalrous’ before the feminists played both sides of the street.  I took an oath to advocate for my patients and fought countless causes on their behalf.  I was Don Quixote.  

The black knight winner sided with the Communists. The Benedict Arnold was far more rewarded.  The beautiful artist gave me a tape of Simon and Garfunkels ‘the boxer’ and a sculpture of a mannequin head.

I played the world’s tiniest violin and went out again and again to fight the Nazis.  Mother’s in space ships locked the doors and told their children not to go there. ‘They kill God”.

One step ahead of the crowd you’re a leader. Two steps ahead of the crowd you’re a martyr. Beware of large crowds of stupid people.

I wasn’t a one trick pony.  They say we’ll all have three careers in our life time.

Each of the battles I won.  If I lost I’ d still get up to fight again. There was the war. Leonard Cohen. Theere’s a war.

Now my life is past and all I hear is the song, “are you taking in the z’s. Are you living a good time’.  Who made you sherif. Get down off the cross we can use the wood.

He admired money and power and set it up so we didn’t confront the authorities again.  We became the authorities.  We were Borged.  

How much shame can a man contain

Peter denied him over and over again. I hear the cock crow and crow. 

I’m trying to learn to survive. No more Bonhoeffer. Let the Arendt Banality of Evil go on.

I don’t need to fight.

It’s not my circus and not my monkeys.  

Don’t fight city hall. The house always wins

I’m tired and on the downhill. Impoverished in so many ways.  Sir Galahad and the round table.  

Old wars. Anxient history. No one cares.  

They re write history and create the wars.  I’m not wanting any more pyrrhic victory.  

Please God guide me,

I remember we wanted to change the system and said it couldn’t be done from the outside.

Here I was in the inner circle, in the centre of the Glass Bead Game and I couldn’t change it. 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It’s just a job she said. She was in charge of all the doctors lives and livelihood,  It’s just a job. She said. 

“I work to rule,” he said.

“I sell real estate on the side and have no time for my patients. I’ve no pension and no health care and real estate pays way more especially being a doctor. I’d like to do half as well as the government beaurocrats, so safe, so far removed.

I don’t know why you keep studying and learning, the administrators don’t,

Get with it.

The military psychiatrist I admired said I was too old for idealism. Do what you can and realize we are good enough.  You can’t care so much they use that against you.  We just do our best knowing our best is never good enough for them because they gave up long again.  

I feel betrayed.

Self pity and people pleasing.

They threaten me all the time, They constantly criticize,  We’re never good enough.  We’re expected to do miracles without the tools or the resources

Welcome to the war.

You’re in the military.  Civil service.  You’re in private practice . That’s just like the guides or militia

You’re right we’re all the good guys. 

And gals. .  

Death is stalking me now.

Rainbows and unicorns and gardening.

I want to join the monastery I said. We’d just make you see patients,the monk said.  

No body has ever questioned your clinical skills, You’re one of the best doctors I’ve even known but you ‘re just supposed to tick the boxes and be a tit but don’t fight city hall. You’re too old for that shit.  You’re on the way out. 

Feed them. Don’t teach them to fish.  Just feed them,

Pyrrhic victory. You don’t need any more of them. Settle down.  Be happy.  You’ve served. You’ve done your time even if you never did a crime.  Count of Monte Christo.

Poor me po0r me poor me another drink

You still have God.  How poor can you be,  

Any day now you will die, Already those you loved are disappearing,  Alien abduction,  Death,  The rapture.  

Pride. You do know pride is the greatest of spiritual defects of character.  The arrogance of the devil. The humility and gratitude of God. 

It’s certainly been a grand adventure.

Thank you God,  Help me to be more kind,  Help me to be more wise.  Help me to love more.,  

Thank you Jesus.