Checking in Covid Times

I am sitting here with Madigan. I’m on my third cup of coffee. Turned off the alarm and had an extra hour of sleep. Madigan has learned how to climb up onto the bed last week. He twice tried Gilbert’s old trick of lick face alarm. I pushed him away.  I finally got up. Harsh start.  I have great sleeps, wonderful dreams. I’m not particularly interested in this world. It’s tiring and repetitive and even exhausting.  Madigan gives it meaning. Laura is visiting me again this weekend.  I’m living for the vacation.  

All week I sit in my garage with video screens and computer at a desk that looks like a NASA control room. I listen to despair and anxiety and depression.  Students having problems focusing. Everyone worried about the future.  A sort of ennui and lethargy. 

A marathon of mediocre misery

Life goes on.  Masks and social distancing. The vaccines roll out. Yet Dr. Fauci and Dr. Tam, the bureaurocrats of Agenda 21, keep changing their minds and mouthing gobbly gook.  I listened to Fauci, whose as questionable a character as Gates, and he just didn’t make any sense. I’m scientifically trained, a specialist with 2 years post doctoral training in public health and community medicine. I survived the polio epidemic, worked in the emergency in HIV epidemic, got TB working in the TB infested north. Yet,with Covid 19 the politics has all been fishy, nothing like anything before.  

Fauci has been at the centre of the problem along with the corrupt and broken WHO. Bei Jing is the new Moscow. No one seems to remember all the lies of public health we learned after the fall of the Berlin Wall .  Communists lie. Communism is the religion of Aetheism.  Multiculturalism is an oxymoron. Multiethnicity is true. But truth isn’t boys are girls and girls are boys. There are three genders male , female and other.  Black isn’t white. Yet these political hack arts students and intellectuals and emotional bullies insist they are right. I’m frustrated. 

I’m thankful I have had a vacine. I’ve been drinking tonic water with quinine and popping zinc and vitamin d from the outset. I continue to take hydroxychloroquine when I go out. I have arthritis, wear and tear , but nothing that appeared to work was withheld during the HIV crisis.  Nothing that had anecdotal evidence or retrospective evidence or first level and second level evidence was denied. Yet there was the smug arrogant Fauci, once a great physician, now an appalling double speak politician, saying hydroxychloroquine is no good because we have no double blind prospective controlled studies.  Then in the next breath he’s promoting experimental vaccines. The evidence for remsifer isn’t great yet he was hustling this all the while the Japanese Russian anti virals were better.

The lockdowns were fine in the spring.  Yet here we are with this draconian tyranny led by the despicable likes of Justin Trudeau and his henchwoman Dr. Tam.  It’s like something evil is stalking the land.  I feel like Communist China has taken over Canada.  The  graves of the Kapyong soldiers are being torn up and their remains defiled in metaphor.  Why did my father fight in WWII against totalitarian national socialism of Germany,  to have the Quebec mob boss puppet Trudeau sell out Canada to the murderous totalitarian international socialist regimeof Communist China. Xi Jinping is Hitler.  The Ughers are the Jews.  I feel like my paranoid patients feel after a little time in some cult and they get free. There are so many lies today I am left wondering whatever was true.

Buddha did say ‘Desire is Suffering.’ The Hindus say this a ‘maya’. Life is illusion.  The media is now a great lie, CBC, CNN, Fox, all just propaganda channels. Follow the money and it leads to hell. 

My patients are anxious about the future. So many are facing poverty. Their businesses are closed . They are out of work. They’re facing fixed pension and rampant inflation. The crime is skyrocketing along with suicides. All the government does is punish and tax the good citizens. Law abiding gun owners are targeted while pedophines are promoted. 10 million dollars paid by the government to an Islamic terrorist while  seniors and the vets ridiculed by Trudeau. I feel like I’m in an episode of Zombies, the Lord of the Flies and Invasion of the Body Snatchers, all mixed up in one.

I reassure patients daily, righteously worried about government ,their health, their future, and their saniety. 

I’m prescribing a whole lot of antidepressants, anti anxiety medications and especially anti psychotics.  All the while I remember Freud’ famous words. “Maybe the Paranoids are Right.” He was being spirited away to England as the Nazi’s had a contract on him.

Í go through the motions watching churches persecuted by the Supreme Court,  a front for aetheists and Islam.  They ‘d say otherwise but their approach to Christians has always been persecutors. 

Now we have extension of the euthanasia laws. Kill the mentally ill. It’s what Communists and Fascists do.  Now it’s Canadian.  Canada is now famous for euthansasia and abortion. The Canadian female doctors world renowned for the EUGENICS which fueled the Nazi Final Solution.   Plannned Parenthood  is more eugenics, the CEO’s confession in front of congress of selling baby bits doesn’t seem to phase people. Meanwhile Canadian women ,thanks to the feminists who claim ‘my body, my own’aren’t allowed to sell their milk or rent their wombs. Canadian feminism  just allows  chauvinist Trudeau to strut about claiming lip service  while titting women in parliament and kicking  the aboriginal woman attorney general to the curb. Where is Kim Campbell when we need her. That woman would have kicked Trudeau in the balls for  an titting an NDP woman.

 I miss Mulcair. Singh is a nut bar. He makes Sikh’s look bad. The Sikh’s I know are the salt of the earth but this guy is a loser Are all politicians the scum of the earth?  I thought PM Harper and PM Turner were the best representatives of Canada. Yet our political class ,including Singh are embarrassing. Where are Kennedy and Churchill when we need them?  

I’m old enough to be thankful for Premier  Horgan and Health Minister Dix. They may not be greatest, whatever that is,  but they sure are the best of a bad lot. Dr. Bonny Henry ‘s attack on business and churches, based on her lockdown  pseudoscience, is frightening.

I listen to my patients fears. They are really bright people. I can’t argue against them. I say Covid is a dangerous virus.  The Flu is a dangerous virus. Covid is 3x worse but you don’t arrest kids playing hockey on outdoor ponds while letting terrorists, politicians and pedophiles go free without adult supervision.

I have hope for O’Toole but his party is involved in the UN and the World Economic Forum. They are just a lighter shade of dark. Canada has no right wing. It’s long been a dictatorship by Toronto and Montreal.  Western Canada is shafted and raped continuously.

I’m here living the good life of trailer trash waiting for my Harley to get on the road next month booked to go camping in a matter of weeks.  I’m going to turn 69 and all I think of is having fun with Laura. I wasn’t supposed to live to 30.  People over 50 having sex were gross. The idea of having sex with someobody’s mother was disgusting. Now I’m hot for grandmothers. I used to think gays were off limits now I’m fine with the whole thing. Live and let live. 

I feel guilt and shame about my past and wonder what my future will hold. It’s ridiculous what I forfeited for 23 years of marriage to different women. The women were incredible despite their twists and families and addictions or defects. I was blessed to know them. The blind man finds the deaf women and they celebrate life together. It’s not about good and bad. It’s all Sado masochism. I miss all the loves of the past. But mostly I’m pissed at the many men and women I refused to have sex with because I was married or afraid. I’m blessed to have memories of naked nurses in call rooms, women inviting me into their apartment when I had only meant to derive them home. I was offered sex by dozens  of men and women who I said no to over the years because I was married or afraid. 

Meanwhile I had to deal with a couple of the ugliest sexually most incompetent doctors in administration. One psychotic freak actually said ‘women don’t lie about sex’. Another said women don’t like sex. I remember another women doctor saying ‘women don’t like oral sex,whether it’s giving or receiving.’ I still feel the male doctor in power who said women only want sex for babies should be put in an asylum.  Chimpanzees like sex.  Humans didn’t know sex lead to pregnancy till later. Anthropology is a great study but the ignorance of science of our administration and legal class is an abomination.  

Merkell and Thatcher were scientists.  Trudeau can hardly hold spit in his mouth.  Failed arts student, part time dramateacher, is now an abomination as a PM.  What hypocricy.  If he needs surgery let another snowboarder operate on him.  I love Hegel. I loathe the little pervert and bully Marx. 

Here I am warm and well fed and about to take a shower. I walked my dog on a lovely wooded path by a pretty stony stream. I’m going to go to a clinic in my Mini to get a cheque that will pay the taxes the government hacks take from the middle class to give to criminals,  mafia and terrorists.  Cronyism.  I’m left with a pittance but it pays the rent so I’m very thankful.  The growing poverty and the declining future of the seniors shouldn’t bother me. I should be a lizard like Trudeau and pat myself on the back because  I’ve got elite priviledge.  Food, clothing, shelter. A job. 

But I don’t have a protected daddy allowance called a trust fund , a personal corrupt glee club called the WE Charity, and a Laurentian Dachau just like Stalin had. I don’t hang with the greatest murderer of our day , Xi Jinping. I don’t celebrate tyranny and demean western Canadians. I don’t mock and belittle English Canadians  and fuck every Canadian except my wife.

Life is good. If I could just have sufficient gratitude and look at my own success and keep my head in the same room as my ass is and seize the day, I’d be okay. But I journal. I squeeze the pus out of my brain in rants and rambles.  I unload on the page and pray. I beg God for guidance. I ask for help. I want to do the next right thing. I want to be helpful. I want to be of service to my fellow man. I want to heal and be a good physician and a good psychiatrist.  I pray that I can see the light. I pray to know the presence of God in each day and moment of my life. I want faith and not fear. I know God is in charge. I know that God is omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent. I know string theory. I know Heisenbrg and Shroeder’s cat and the Law of attraction and Prisoner’s dilemma. Thank you Jesus. Thank you god of the Trinity. Thank you Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit Come. Hail Mary Mother of God. God of Gods. Light of Light , I pray to you. Help me. Help my loved ones. Help my friends and patients. 

In this great spiritual war of dark and light may the forces of light win this day and this week and month. And thank you for the blue sky, sunshine, and the hope of camping. Thank you Lord. Thank you for breath and colours and atoms and the mars expedition.  Watch over my nephews, god children, Laura and her family, friends and relatives. Thank you.  Thank you. Thank you