I’m morose by comparison. The creeping exhaustion of the Covid. Valentine’s Day. Love in the time of Covid. I meditate. I pray. I do exercises. I avoid my kind. I ape my betters. Socially distant. Aloof. Coward in the Cottage behaviour. Life goes on. I’m uplifted by the return of birds. These migration patterns are comforting , reassuring. The longer days. I love the sun.
Still meaning eludes me. What does God want now. I feel like I’m on the bench and some great tragicomedy is being played out. The media is painful. I feel betrayed. I don’t know who to trust. Lies everyday. Information and disinformation. A Cacophony of noise. The feeling of helplessness.
There was this experiment decades ago. They linked monkey one to electricity and gave him a lever he could pull to shut off the shock. He developed some anxiety not knowing when the shock would come. However he did become fairly proficient at shutting it off. Then they attached monkey 2 to the first monkeys back. Monkey 2 would experience all the shock but be unable to control the lever that turned it off. I feel like Monkey 2. Monkey 2 developed all the stress diseases, ulcers, heart disease, arteriosclerosis, depression.
I talk to my patients on phone or by video and hear a lot of monkey 2 in their voices and concerns. “My hair is falling out.” “I’m always irritable.” “I can’t concentrate.’ I’m got stomach problems, headaches, menstrual complaints.” “I don’t want to leave my room.” “I’m angry.”
I do what I can. Nothing prepared me for a year long siege. DSM5 doesn’t include ‘Adjustment Disorder’ for 1 year and maybe 2 or 3. It’s like Sarajevo. It’s as if a meteor hit the earth and we have to stay inside. The whole natural virus narrative is so much deceit. Communist China now dictates to CBC and ABC. Communist China is now God on earth. They can do no wrong. People go missing who criticize them. It’s a pattern.
“I am Borg. Resistance is futile.”
“It’s all above my pay grade.”
I feel like Canada must have felt around the American Revolution. The King had syphillis of the brain. Something rotten in the state of Denmark is another thought that keeps repeating itself in my weary winter brain. I believe it’s me. I am ashamed and guilty that I am so fatigue. The sadness and despair I hear seems to leach my soul. It’s knowing that all these lives are being sacrificed by bad judgement, corruption, demonic psychopathy in high places. Billions of dollars stolen by false charities. Major government leaders one after another caught for corruption. The standing joke, 90% of lawyers give the 10 good lawyers a bad name. Now it’s bureaucrats. And in the shadows nefarious characters of the WEF, Chines Communist Party, Oligarchs, Elite. New names to describe old demons.
I’m fairly content physically. The existential angst that calls for a Camus to describe as with the Plague or a Kafka to describe todays Castle in Ottawa, Bei Jing. The between the wars poets like Robert Graves come to mind. Where is Farley Mowatt when we need him. Thank God for Rex Murphy.
I’m just angry at the censorship, the totalitarian pre cursers, gun laws, curfews, loss of rights, churches closing and weak legal challenges. Where is Philos. Where are the saints of today? The Pope is so similar to the one who began WWII. Nothing to write home about. I miss the Dalai Lama but his voice is tuned low by the powers that be. Free Tibet is not something the anti Semitic UN wishes to hear.
I mostly don’t know.
Like everyone else, I’m being obedient. I stay in side. Mostly. It is winter. We even had snow. I walk the dog. Madigan is a major distraction. His puppy mood alleviates my droll Kierkegaardian Dostoyevsky adolescent intellectual position. He poops and I slept in it. He pees and I step in it. My narcissism and intellectual self absorption are immediately brought back into this world. I clean it up. This morning I said ‘no’ and wondered if he just thinks I’m a ‘moody’ parent. Does he even know that my ‘no’ is tied to something he does or just reflective of my ‘mood’. He really is shameless. Yet every day he becomes more civilized. He almost always pees on his pee pads. He mostly poops outside now. He rarely bites me and knows that’s unnacceptable . But he gets carried away in play. He has a puppy brain. I hope God thinks of me as that way. Maybe the universe thinks of Canada that way.
I love that three spaceships are circling Mars, one from U.A.E., one from China and one from the USA. In Columbus’s times they thought that Europe was overfilled with people. They thought all manner of doom and climate change and they actually had real plagues. Yet life went on. A new land, old to the natives, but new to the men with big wooden sailing ships was found. We have a moon and mars and we’re finally getting around to increasing real estate for earth.
I have only the mail to get today. I thought to look at a trailer. I’m considering getting a smaller quad for myself for my birthday. I’m anxious taking madigan on the back of my Vespa in the woods on logging trails. I worry about the little guy. Want him to live long and be safe. I’m less anxious for myself The prospect of camping and riding about on logging roads excites me. In a month or two the weather will be warm. Laura and I are talking about camping on Easter break. Friends would like to stay here as a break from the city. I move to a little camper in the hinterland. They move from the city to the suburbs. A week of change for both of us. Today Madigan and I will walk to the lake or along the river. That daily walks are good. I could be retired. When I’m not working 10 hours days with the telephone or virtual screen, 4 days a week, I have these breaks where I catch up on paper work deal with lose ends and feel a bit like retirement must feel. Nothing terrribly written in stone. Vague plans. Something like a necessary trip to the post office to build a day around. It’s not bad. Whatever is happening in the political cosmic universe, here it’s not so bad. Food in the fridge. Heat and clean water.
Thank you God for all your blessings. Keep my family and friends safe. Help me to be a better physician of service to my fellow man. Help me to say Fuck this less. Please help me to control the vulgarity that spews from my mouth in fear as I describe the rude antics of the charlatan chamberlain in power. Help me feel less anxious about the future. Help me to focus on today and make the best of the time I have on earth. Guide me. Show me the way. Thank you again and again. It’s been a good life and may it continue to be. Thank you.
Hope
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