Saturday, November 28, 2015

Canada's Black Friday Shameful Sales

I came downtown on Saturday to witness and record the carnage after the Black Friday Sale. I was expecting ravaged bodies and ambulances. Caught up in the new world journalism craze for catastrophe seeking and viewing I had secretly hoped for body parts in the cold streets of downtown Vancouver.  A severed head outside of the Victoria Secret might have been newsworthy. Crime scene tape around the new Nordstroms.  I’m a conservative Canadian. It wasn’t like I was asking for much.  I thought at least the Liberal Political Correctness Police would ban the racist designation of cheap sales.  Some white male privilege offenders could be handcuffed naked outside a paddy wagon Maybe a severed arm crushed in the revolving door of Hudson Bay.
But this is Canada.  A decade of Conservativism has made us collectively polite and well mannered.  The US Black Friday Sales invariably cause  the aliens that normally limit their shopping to Walmart and Costco to slut walk and zombie dance through the downtown stores of American cities.      Worse in Canada, Black Friday was hardly an event. Hockey season has begun and Canadians only riot if there’s hockey involved.   The merchants of Vancouver had to extende Black Friday to Black Friday Weekend. A whole weekend of political incorrectness and consumer cannabilism.
Before I could get away from the disgusting low brow mass ritual of insensitive disregard of the world’s poor, I was physically sucked right into Moore’s Men’s Clothing.  A young salesman seeing my passing interest in a winter wool coat sized me instantly. It’s not too difficult. I’m beyond those confusing S, M, L designations.  Size F for Fat or B for Big fits me just fine.  And so did the coat he gave me.  $99.  I’m sure the very same one was in Nordstroms for $1000.  “It’s normally $500 here but that’s the Black Friday Sale price.”  Looking both ways to ensure I wasn’t being filmed I slid my, quite possibly promiscuous Visa card surreptitiously across the counter and watched helplessly as it was  raped by the awful Moore’s Men’s Clothing money machine.
The young man then  wrapped my purchase  in a black wrapper like pornography.  I could only hope that others would think it was my laundry. I didn’t want anyone thinking that I’d actually participated in a liberal orgy of personal financial potlach.  It was alright that our new Prime Minister Justin Troudeau’s wife Sophie was adorned with a Birk’s brooch costing $6000.  It was okay that this young swaggering Emperor Napoleon Troudeau had banished the picture of the rightful English monarch from Canadian parliament.  It was okay that as a couple they rejected the millions of dollar Sussex mansion until it had 10 million dollars of improvements.  I, as a Canadian wanted my betters to have a gold toilet seat to sit on while I lived in a trailer with baited breath waiting announcement of  next Liberal Largesse.
I really like my new wool coat. It’s not bespoke.  Shoppaholism is defined as feeling one coat is too many and no number is enough. But surely 2 coats is ’social shoppaholism’. And as I was sure I was able to convince myself that I was really ‘just doing research’ ,I took Laura into North Face where a $600 coat, perfectly made, was on sale for $300.It was really the saving I was spending, from shopping at Moore’s rather than Nordstrums .  My White Christmas for Laura bought by  Black Frida machination. , I know it sounds dubious but Laura was complicit. Indeed as she was with me through the whole ordeal it was her fault.  It was all her fault.  She does look pretty as a angel in her new coat but she’s really a little devil.
Without any body parts to see on Saturday, we headed here to Take Five Cafe for coffee. I suspect if I let  them other stores would take advantage of me . I have a  genetic diathesis to shopping and pressured by my despicable environmenl I might well participate further in this horrid western world debauchery.  I’m properly disgusted with myself.  I’m sure too that our new Emperor and his Wife Sophie feel badly jetsetting about the world to conferences on how to get us peasants to accept the new carbon based breathing and farting taxes. It’s a shame that they don’t know how to Skype and that their climate change conferences are the principal cause of global warming with all the jetsetting and hot air going on.  As Canadians, though,  we must never doubt the wisdom of our government or any further government taxation.
Look at me I just shamefully bought a new winter wool coat.  I bought one for Laura too. I expect our coats would cost more if we bought them at Value Village.  I love being Canadian even if the new Canadian 'privilege' tax comes through.  It's all worth it, somehow.

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