Moscow - leaving, all my bags packed, an hour early

5:15 am

I’m up an hour early to leave Moscow.  Showered, dressed, had coffee, ate yoghurt, checked email, ready to go.  Nope, it’s 5:15 not 6:15.  Can’t meditate.  Been through Facebook once and a half already.  No more milk for another coffee. Only 4 hours of sleep but can’t nap. Could sleep through alarm.

Moscow skyline pretty in the morning sun.  Great gold onion and crosses church that Stalin bombed and now is restored, outside my window.  I see a bridge and the river I’d not seen before. Seems like forever since I took the boat cruise on that two weeks ago.  Intense times.  Looking forward most to seeing the little guy.  Funny, how a dog gets under one’s skin. We’ll be re united. He’ll run circles and bark, then it will be like two guys hanging out together. He’ll want to walk, sniff butts, fetch ball. I ‘ll want to sit at the computer, drive in vehicles, watch tv lying down, go to work. He’ll want to play with toys. Meet and greet.  Then there’s riding on the motorcycle.  We do that together.  More fun to be on an ATV in the country.

Ate great salmon here. I really should be out fishing more. We’re both not as patient as we should be for that.  Vancouver, this time of the year, is tremendous. Great weather. Vivid green with flowers galore.  Most everyone's over the winter seasonal affective disorder depressions.  Too many activities and not enough time.  Make a point to walk the sea wall, get to the beach, go swimming outdoors.  Store up the good times for the winter doldrums.  Play outside. Dog days.  

Now I’m waiting. Another half hour.  Didn’t sleep well last night. Tossing and turning.  Anxiety about missing flight. Alarms set and still awake, first on this side, then roll over ,and still awake on that side too.  Slept some. Woke from good dream.  This awake is pretty good too.  Gratitude.

Metro. Then Train. Then security checks.  Then wait. Then board.  Will snooze on plane.  Stopover Amsterdam.  Remember being there in early 70’s.  Peugeot bikes and gorgeous girl.  I confessed to a friend “I think I just wear women out.  Too much life threatening adventure and immaturity.” Now when I think I’m a little grown up I’m older and wishing I knew what I knew now back then.  Where did the time go?  It sure was good though.  Packed a lot in to the seconds and nano seconds.  Apparently another third to go.  One day at a time. Just for today. Living in the present is a gift.

I actually thought I’d know God more, meditating and praying back then in my 20’s.  Thought I’d be some kind of enlightened by now.  Expected different things. Life happens while we’re making other plans.  I’m still talking to God, still doing healing work. But mostly just learning. Always learning. Letting go of the old , holding onto the new.  

Barrett’s up and decided next time she’s going to take a 2 week intensive Russia then visit her family.  Admire her love of languages.  I’d like to continue Spanish.  Started Hebrew last year to better read Bible.  Might get back to it.  Discussing pictures and architecture. Contrasts between Soviet era and other times.

Soon we’ll be gathering things.  “All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go….” Not at all relevant but the song goes through my head whenever I’m heading for a plane.  John Denver and Colorado. That was another place and time as well. Strawberry Mountain Peace and Love Festival. Later  Fear and Loathing days in LA. Tapestries. All the moments sewn together by some master craftsman who lets me come along for the ride.  I often think all I am is the voice over.  I can be happy or sad. I can scream or laugh. It’s that kind of roller coaster. I’m strapped in and it’s playing out to the end.  

We talked yesterday of times we wanted to end it.  A few men discussing our decisions to carry on. In spite of it.   It. that’s what we name the thing in tough times.  Trying not to swear.  Then a friend sends a picture of soldiers around a generator with their cell phones plugged in.  I think of times when I’ve ached to be alone and now it’s no longer a scary place.  I want people more than I need them.  Am with myself rather than away from them.  

The reincarnation thing isn’t linear. Like so many things in the quantum world it’s parallel and stellate and multi dimensional.  How little I know, the more I know.  Once I wanted to get off this path, now I’m holding true. It’s less thought and more experiential. Acting oneself into right thinking rather than hoping right thinking will lead to right action.  Even with a good start so much is maintaining course. Sailing is a marvellous metaphor with currents, tides and winds and equipment.

The first time Dad took us up flying was so thrilling. Now I brace a bit as I take off and brace a bit as I land. There was that crash and no preparation or thinking about it could have done anything about the plane sheering off into the ditch and rolling onto it’s side crushing the wing and making us climb out the side.  I thought it unusual to be climbing up out of a plane.  The shock never really hit at the time. So much work to do.  So many patients to see.  Hundreds waiting.  What’s a bruise or a crashed plane got to do with anything. Someone will arrange other transport out.  Then years later watching eyes go wide when I say I was in a plane crash.  Wondering now if that’s the only reason I brace.  Other’s reactions.  Another plane.  

I remember thinking how poorly made the Lada was, in that one,  a friend was driving a decade or two  ago.  YBut Soviets got into space first.  Cosmonaut technology went into their plane design. The LADA’s I’ve seen here are good looking cars, sound good too.  My Ural was a tough machine too, but I do prefer my Harley.  

I’ve nothing to fear. I can say that. But anxiety is a measure of my distance from God and equally a measure of my humanity.  We are Gods that shit. Time to catch a plane back home and see my favourite little friend.  

9:10 am

We’ve made it through the gauntlet, metro, train and three security checks.  Amazing accomplishment.  Barrett was shoved and I was told to hurry up. Now a child is screaming behind us.  A little White Westy dog is making the rounds with his human.   Anxiety has shifted to boredom.  I’m reduced to taking selfies. Don’t know what next. Another coffee? Another trip to the toilet?  Try to get everyone involved in a flash dance?