today

I woke up at 6 am .  I’d gone to bed at 10.  I opened to ipad and next thing I’m listening to Tucker interviewing a West Point general on the war in Ukraine.  Message, give peace a change. Stop the war. The Main Stream Media is lying.  Ukraine isn’t winning.  They’ve lost 400,000 and Russia has lost 40,000. The satellite coverage by Russia with linked artillery, drones and missiles results in near automatic response.  Even weapons given by US to Ukraine are last year’s model and the advances in tech are exponential.  

When it began the Crimea and a couple of Russian Ukraine provinces were at stake.  As things go bad it’s Vietnam all over again.  Before nuclear weapons stop and make a truce. Russia doesn’t want NATO on it’s border.  It’s the most corrupt country in the world, akin to Packistan and Russian. Ukranians are fleeing , 14 million refugees.  Military age men don’t want to go into the ‘meat grnder’.  It’s war.  Eventually a peace was made with Vietnam. North Vietnam took over south.  Communist China was the leader but today Vietnam is a tourist destination.  

I think of Buckminster Fuller who said if there could be peace then every single citizen on the planet would live at a style and level beyond their wildest dreams.  I remember when I was a peacenik hippy but found out that Russia, guys like Putnin, were orchestrating the peace movement to their end.  The trouble is ‘eventually’ the war in Vietnam ended.  

I love that Trump was anti war.

The war mongers got out of Afghanistan but left all their weapons to perpetuate war in that region.

War is big business.

It attracts war mongers like Trudeau, little men with big egos.  Freeland the Nazi descendent.  

It’s all above my pay grade and I don’t really know what’s going on because Trudeau is imposing Nazi Communist totalitarian censorship along with the gun laws those dictatorships use.  CSIS says the Communist Chinese have infiltrated the government, media and education system to the highest level. The last election was won by Trudeau because the Communist Chinese manipulated the Canadian election.  If this had occurred under Mulroney, Christine, Martin, or Harper a new election would be called.  Yet, Trudeau continues his lies and deceit and India says he was stoned on cocaine on his visit and half his presentations during Covid when I forced myself to watch and listen to the weasel he appeared and sounded more impaired than my DTES patients.

Thankfully when I’ve contacted leading beurocrats I know they always said the pessimism and fear mongering of the media is not the way it is.  There’s actually sane people even in the liberal party despite the nefarious impaired sick creepy leadership.  

I’m hopeful. I just bought a new book experience, strength and hope, an AA collections of stories of recovery. If so many individuals can get well there’s hope for the nation.  I love the ‘I’m in recovery and I vote’, or “I’m evidence’ t shirts.  I loved the laughter and fellowship at my meeting this week.  George and Jack and Mario sat at the table and when I was asked to share I said that our table was like the ‘cool’ table in the asylum and we all laughed.  Keep coming back.

I’m waiting for Laura. I woke up with no real plans.  I’ve a meeting I’ll attend. I thought of going hunting but we’re going hunting next week. I had planned to attend the Psychopharmacology conference but with being away last week and next week I forgot to notify the clinic. So I missed the first day and though I’d attend to day but when I woke up I was not motivated to sit and listen to lectures. I knew I had a lot of phone calls to answer for refills and questions. I actually phoned a half dozen folk only to leave messages. No one was home.  If they were they were asleep and I wasn’t at the party last night

I walked Madigan and he had a poop so we’re okay and he’ll be in heaven to have his mommy visit.

Laura said it’s as a good day for a stroll so the plan is to walk the lake trail.  I love that we’re planning exercise. We gained too much weight during covid lockdowns watching Netflix.  I’ve an rx I must mail and I’d like to motorcycle.  L

The Ladies came yesterday to clean and did a poor job, not compared to the ideal but compared to all the merry maids who ‘d come in previous months. When the manager asked as he does each month how they were I said only half as good as all the others.  Refridgeratr cleaned bu not freezer and I’d specifically asked for that to be done and turned the fridge off the night before.  At the end of the day I used the heater to have the ice done in a half an hour.  Then the bed wasn’t even made and the other ladies not only made the bed asked if I wanted sheets changed and even did the difficult bottom sheet sometimes.  Instead of that ‘it’s fresh and new and clean and ordered feeling that is so uplifting after cleaning ladies come’ it was the ‘this is okay’, it’s better but not professional more like it is when I spend a couple of hours which is rarely and the reason for the cleaning lady contract.

I’ve been making arrangements for going south in December.  The back room is full the hunting gear and camper gear I’ll be taking with me next week. Lots of adventure and activity.  

I’ve been more open about my gender dysphoria and yet I’m not fully out of the closet.  Meanwhile I’m ambivalent. I ‘m generally happy au drab with Laura about but alone prefer au femme.  It reminds me of the Rabinical saying, a man is not a man without a woman.   But ED and my back injury made male sports and sexual activity as a top dangerous. I was actually hurt in missionary position and spent months in pain and recovery.  Laura isn’t that interested and I really don’t want another woman. She’s the best there is but sexually I could like a active male.  I feel I’ve taken care of everyone and feel I’d just like to lie back and think of England.  Especially as the media women have spent the last decades demonizing men while I feel I’ve done the heavy lifting, when compared to women without children.  Laura has children and is a grand mother and has always worked hard so she’s not one of the privilege elite feminists who stole the egalitarian movement to ‘get back at men’ and ‘to beat them’.  I’ve always been meritocracy and egalitarian only to see this NWO being a replay of Hitler’s and Lenin’s fringe politic revolutionary play book.  Tokenism.  So men are condemned in Canada by Trudeau politics and I feel afraid to be an old man.  Being a trans woman for an old guy means you’re ignored and more sidelined that the regular elderly but you can still be a voyeur. As an old man I see in the eyes of the young drug using Marxist males that I’m a free target. When the street people threatened my dog and my life there was no consequences . When the psychopathic female lawyer for money falsely accused me there was no ‘truth’ just ‘mob violence’.  The same as when the College of Physicians assistant head , said ‘women don’t lie about sex’ after I fired my assistant when she relapsed on crack, stole my office stuff and said I ‘sexually harassed her”.

I don’t think I’ve felt safe as a man since I watched a quadriplegic man totally invalided in a wheel chair humiliate and pilloried and so utterly abused by young greedy godless women claiming they were victims.  this is because he asked them to touch his balls when they cleaned him.  

I’m afraid of young people raised in Trudeau land.  The most unethical PM in history and he’s setting the moral and ethical codes and the Supreme Court is doing his bidding just like the media.  And of course the WEF and Communist China are call ing the shots.

Well I’m actually crazy when I let these thoughts take hold.  It’s not real. God is a loving God. The world is okay. I’ve got a great life with rent paid, food and clothing, a great dog and a beautiful loving friend in Laura and other friends in my immediate world and in a lifetime of blessings. I’m really grateful. I’m so thankful for my Ethiopian coffee beans, alone, not to mention that my work allows me to have the new iPhone 15 which is a delight and I’ve upgraded the go pro so i have ‘men toys’ and clothes and I have a. Harley I’d like to drive today.  It’s so easy let the mind slide to the negative side but I like the idea of the mind as a radio and one has to keep both hands on the God dial.

Thank you Jesus. 

Morning coffee time

Thank you God for a good night’s sleep, sweet dreams and peace of mind. Thank you for my furry roommate, Madigan who joined the morning alarms pouncing on me while the Apostles’s creed sounded on the iPad and radar sounds came from the new iPhone 15 max pro.  I enjoy tech. Much of the weekend has been exploring the new tech of the phone, finding the go pro and ordering the tech I’ll need for travel south. The travel south expedition is progressing.

My F350 truck is serviced.

My camper is in good working order.

I have arranged for my fifth wheel to go in storage.

I’ve taken all the major items I don’t need this winter, like body board, to my storage locker.

I’ve made arrangements for my car to go into storage 

I’ve a satellite phone, iPhone and ham radio

I will finish hunting seasons in a couple of weeks and put my guns and ammo in gun and ammo storage.

I’ve the ipad, Mac book pro and max as my virtual office connected to Star Link. 

I’ve notified the clinics, families and friends of my time away.

I’ve even arranged extra health insurance for 84 days $1600 for US time

I’ve kept working so money is coming in and taxes are being paid.

I’ve arranged with my accountant to do my taxes when I return.

I’ve made a list of what I need in the camper with me.

I’ve yet to find an RV site 

I’ve arranged Laura’s plane ticket for her two weeks visiting me in the sun and heat.

I am really looking forward to au femme time in the south, sun dresses and skirts and joi de vivre.  Just like ‘black like me’ I’m enjoying female like me. So many challenges to thinking. No one cares at my age.  Like any change, there’s the adaptation then acceptance.

My issue of course is with God. Is this what God wants for me or is this a product of my insaniety.  I see delusional thinking in some of those who pass through but others seem no different than those I know who find solace in other things like building their own homes (nests) , have families, travel.  I ‘ve done all these things and most enjoyed sailing across an ocean and bicycling across Europe, motorcycling to Sturges and being a northern flyin doctor, country gp, having a homestead practice. I’ve loved all these times and mostly the people I was with. I don’t know that I ever got over being raped or the woman aborting my/our/the child. I’ve loved being a doctor. I most loved being a country gp but I didn’t like the politics. I’ve loved my psychoanalytic psychotherapy days and even my work in psychopharmacology. My virtual practice and the clinics I work in I really enjoy.  Being a doctor, a psychiatrist and an addiction medicine specialist has all been a god send. I’ve loved my sobriety, being a part of AA, IDAA and cyberdocs.  I’ve loved my study post graduate of theology but have felt the politics of the church less appealing. I pray and meditate and am thankful to St. Mark’s, Regent, Vancouver School of Theology and University of Winnipeg along with the Baptist , Anglican and Catholic Church. I’ve been blessed to be a member of the Self Realization Society and train in yoga. I loved my tai chi training. I’ve loved my learning.’

The joy of being in Greece was enhanced by wearing the Tilly Suit, being a single trans woman in Athens, walking about the museum and writing . I enjoyed being a Joni Mitchell ‘free man in paris’ in Athens. I just feel that dressed as a woman I’m no longer fighting for patients and defending health care against the government colleges and those money pushers who are the elite.  Patient’s don’t realize that it’s a struggle of politics to get resources and the attack on any one who ‘rocks the boat’ is merciless.  I’ve not enjoyed lawyers and censorship and personal attacks or the divorces.  

I wonder if being a male is worth it in Canada.  Our PM is so deceitful and a misogynous sociopath who calls himself a ‘feminist’ but then ‘feminism’ is to most a Marxist cultural construct , part of the communist attack on God. I believe communism is the religion of aetheism and narcissism.  I’m still celebrating Jesus Christ.  

I find the idea of taking estrogen and hiding the masculine in the feminine.  The false accusations and the support of the psychopaths making them by the corrupt courts has been an ongoing debacle.

I wonder if it’s resentments. I’ve done several reviews and indeed I continue to have resentment against Canadian institutions, courts and government. I don’t like the Communist Chinese Maoism or Lennism.  I find it difficult to consider that every third person in the country especially women and immigrants would support a lying scoundrel like Trudeau. I’d like to lie on a beach, nude or in a bikini and think of the colour of my nails rather than put more time into ‘doing the right thing’.  Reporting a killer got me isolated and punished by the killers friends. I’m afraid. Admittedly anxiety is a measure of one’s distance from God.

I am dealing with my declining physical capacity.  I have a variable hard on. My back is often in spasm and I’ve lost strength in my upper arms and fear slipping walking in the woods and can’t safely climb uneven hills.  I’m getting old and the ‘manly men’ life I lived dependent on my martial arts, physical stamina and ability to lift and lower sails in storms or control out of control motorcycles without crashing on corners when other drivers are being asshole. I’ve become afraid of hurting myself in a way I’ve not been for as long as I can remember. I’m ‘out of shape’ . I sit at a desk to much and don’t stretch enough. I’ve gained weight with covid that’s slow to come off. I feel lighter in satin and lace panties than baggy stanfields. I like lose skirts and sun dresses. It began with sarongs in the south and maybe I’d return to sarongs in the south and shorts sailing. I’m burdened by clothing and the messages of uniforms.  I miss the ‘lightness of being’ I knew as an actor dancer when gender wasn’t the issues of war and ‘offence’.  I have trouble forgiving the authorities to backing the new Hitler’s and Stalin’s. Watching the nightmare of my friend Johns destruction by the female psychopaths, ‘long necked women and their boys’ was as close to watching Jews or chinese intellectuals put in train cars.  I t was sad to see how little the church did and I understood Bonhoeffer watching the shameless doctors take the whole matter seriously.  An invalid in a wheel chair savaged by a young woman lusting with passion and deceit.  An epic time when I was disheartened by the most evil ones but their support and the ‘nest’ of them, these insect hoards of Satan, the swarm.  I’m stuck in the one on one of cowboy days but the modern Marxist mobs are a thing of the day of Attila the Hun our the brown shirts.  

I remember often being mugged by t0 young men in Athens , the mob surrounding and attacking me, and fighting to stay upright and running.  As a man I felt i could defend myself and so often did but found myself in court being falsely accused by the psychopaths aggressors.  I fear as a man I might hurt my attackers and remember years in hospitals and asylums and jails stopping patients and inmates from hurting me or others but with the proviso I didn’t hurt them. I was that good but today I don’t believe I can do that. Yet when the last man threatened to kill me and my dog I has no support from authorities and police . Indeed because the man with the pit bull was a street aboriginal I was , as a white professional, immediately profiled as a ‘class’ agent and the man whose unleashed pit bull tried to attack my old blind little cowering cockapoo was the ‘victim’.  When a man in my office threatened to kill me and complained to the college I wouldn’t see him as a patient again I was perceived as the aggressor by these silly Beurocratic psychologically highly disturbed individuals whose strength is only in ‘gang’ behaviour.  I’m frightened by the Borg and the zombies and lemmings and sheep and hoards.  

As a trans woman I can ironically avoid a large swatch of the elder abuse that reigns these days and accept the authorities would rather protect a trans woman than and old white professional doctor.  I also have a tendency to join the underdog. In psychoanalytic therapy the jewish psychiatrist commented on the celtic history of joining a fight on the side of the underdog to make things more even and more interesting. Yes, I’ve fought for so many lost causes and the persecuted early into the scrum and now old.

I’m struggling with aging and having fun.  I miss the theatre and yet the idea of wearing a costume on stage and doing improv or even doing the ‘gurilla street theatre’ and dance of youth doesn’t appeal. I’m too much a loner.  

That’s today. I’m really blessed with cadillac problems. Thank you Jesus for the roof over my head, the work I have, the family and friends.  Thank you for this time today, the changes of seasons and the hope of finding more sun.  What a privilege! To less the days of winter with travel and to learn more in study and to be able to participate in learning. I’ve loved my years of academic study and if I wasn’t so busy this summer and fall, positively with getting the camper back on track, I’d have signed up for a distance course in writing a theology. I’d like to write the novel. I’d dreamed I would and I’d love to study more theology and maybe I’ll learn more Spanish. I’d love to study more Hebrew and Greek to appreciate the Bible more. Then there’s Sansckirt. Im very grateful for this life I’ve lived and the memories. I’m truly blessed and yet I don’t feel 71 , but rather I feel 17, this perpetual feeling of the positive side of adolescence, I remember the days I spent in the library enthralled by Singer and Cohen and the love i had in the poetry of Lightfoot, Mitchell and the Beatles.  I loved sitar music and now wish I was at the symphony more often . This year I’ve not attended the ballet, theatre , opera or symphony and instead focussed on camping and walking the dog and living .  The lock downs of Covid have been hard to get over. I’ve had to take baby steps to over come social anxiety. I’ve enjoyed riding my motorcycle despite the poor drivers.  Coming home to the safety of couch and tv or a book after a time out on the streets with the horrendous incompetence of management and the shortages and rationing and censorship with so little backlash against essentially traitors. Meanwhile Epstein’s list remains unknown and the leadership seems together to condone pedophilia or themselves participate in it.  Yet I’ve being demonized and punished beyond belief for saying ‘fuck’ .  And the greats like Carlin die and yet though he called himself an aetheist I expect to meet with him in heaven one day.  My heaven is a bit more inclusive than the church of appearances and political fashion,.

Thank you Jesus for this day. Guide me and lead me and help me be of service.  Thank you God for this day.  

God

I talk to God everyday, in my head, to other, to God.  I believe in the beginning there was God, God the creator.  Not God and building blocks but God, primal, just God. From God came all. The One became many. I am part of the many now, going home. We say , we’re just walking each other home

There’s no race. I believe Jesus and Moses and maybe Buddha and who know maybe Mohammed , even Margaret Thatcher and Gandhi are waiting for us to come in. I loved the song Desperado, you’ve been out riding fences for too long.  

I dream some time of a great meeting place in the parallel life or after life.

Today is the ODAAT - one day at a time, carpe diem, be here now, practicing the prescense.  God is present, the gift. I’m present when I am grateful.  I love the Hound of Heaven, my God seeking is mirrored by God seeking me. We are running towards each other across a beach which itself is us. The Matrix and Tron.  The Beingness of life. That great Czek classic, the incredible lightness of being.  Moses asking the burning bush who he is. Yahweh. I am that is who I am .

I pray, Be still and know that I am God.  Be still and know that I am.   Be still and know that I.  Be still and know that.  Be still and know.  Be still and.  Be still.  Be.  I do it as round over and over agin.

Peace of mind.  

I remember him saying his mind was like a half fucked fox with it’s tail on fire in a chicken coup.  We laughed to hear him say that. Now my friends says his mind is a train station but he’s learned he doesn’t need to hop on every train.  I called it the Monkey Mind and thought of my mind as a ping pong game.

Anxiety is a measure of your distance from God, he told me. It’s equally a measure of your humanity. 

I just finished a Gentleman in Moscow by Towles.  It was a brilliant read reminiscent of the experience I had in my 20’s when I first encountered Somerset Maugham and Tolstoy.  I like to read.  But I like to participate too.  Watching tv and read are passive.  My life is active when I’m hunting sailing, working, communicating.  

I had planned to write novels.  I’ve stopped at writing blogs. I used to write poetry a lot more.  I played guitar a lot more.  Aging is a bit of loss.

I’ve worried recently about being known by one’s last play, this is who I am and yet I feel I peaked in high school.  It’s the body that no longer is a great lover, the drooping penis, the sagging breasts on the women my age and younger. The sadness of grief.

Thank you God 

Dreams

I woke at 4 am .  A time I sometimes wake.  The pressure of bladder. The early morning pee. The memories.  Of dreams.  These were the finest.  A sense of mystery and adventure lingered. I’d been in that special place, a kind of Mediterranean harbour.  I was at a meeting and after a pretty older woman from my youth spoke to me.  She was not someone I’d remember, though I did. Not a confidant as such. But nonetheless a companion late at night after the guests had mostly gone and a few of us remained.  

Do you miss it? She asked.  I intuitively knew she was speaking of our shared past. High school and coming of age. 

I do.  I said.

Would you want to return.

No. I said with certainty.  

The future at that moment seemed bright. There were more adventures and insights to be had. I might even grasp the meaning of dreams. I would go forward into an unknown future. 

I awoke with that sense. The trust in God.  The feeling that all would be well.  The answers lie ahead not in the past.  

I did pick up a book and read about amends and God.  I don’t want to become lost in my own affairs but want to know what God has in store. 

A friend contacted me from the past and shared he’d relapsed after decades of sobriety, lived 8 hears of relapse and now returned to abstinence and the program. He is well off and a fine fellow. I was glad to communicate with him . There are several men who have spoken with me recently. One is hunting now in the interior while another shared that his partner is content to watch tv.  I often feel alone. My closest friend of sorts is now driving his dementing wife to visit her childhood friend of decades.  He is interested in his brother and we talk of cars and planes and dogs and cats. It’s an odd parallel universe we share. Each individual in his own way isolated but coming together.

I’m aware of my lack of children and brothers or sisters and parents. i see that others still have these close connections while I have more distant relatives. I reflect on my Aunt Sally.  We have so much in common though the truth be told I have so much in common with my deceased parents and deceased brothers, the friends I grew up with the neighbourhood children.  

Once I thought I was unique but the differences really are minute. This biggest one seems to me the lack of children. Yet it could be my being a psychiatrist or as easily my being a ships captain as well. I mostly think of my difference in my poly sexuality, the range of relationship I’ve had, marriages, heterosexuality, homosexuality, Tran sexuality.  I think this even as in ways the whole sexual nature of self ebbs and retreats.  I miss the friend called passion but welcome the friend called patience.  These aspects of character come and ago like moods almost.  There’s a stead search and discovery that pulls me forward.  A desire for seeing around the next corner.  What lies just over that hill. What is in that forest. What is this harbour like.

Of course I’m afraid of strangers. I’m human but there’s God.  Anxiety is a measure of one’s distance from God though equally a measure of one’s humanity.  I have a loving God of my understanding.  The key is love and the realization that no matter what, as Phillips says, my God is still too small.  I must expand my heart to embrace the depths and breadth of love but I’m selfish and tired. I’ve served my life helping others and helping my self. I wonder about my struggles with money.  Alone I’ve managed but with women in my life I’ve lost. Would I have lost more alone. I fear that others are more capable financially and feel s twinge of envy or jealousy as I see their wealth. But then I turn to gratitude and feel blessed to quote a hackney phrase, beyond my wildest dreams

Of course I want to be an astronaut.  I want to go to outer space . I want to explore different galaxies and planets. But there as much intrigue in a new cafe on the street.  I don’t want to visit monsters. I fear I want ‘senstation’, the great kahunna, the consumer sense of the taste of omniscience. I am as the zen master says, a westerner, a product of this time and society, a spiritual consumer.

I’m reading A gentleman in Moscow and aaware of the fear and evil of communism encroaching on this space , much as Jesus was tempted by the Devil.  I say ‘Thy Will Be Done’ but then imagine crucifixion and Joan of Arc.  What if Thy Will Be Done means immense reward and comfort and indeed heaven on earth rather than some Steven King like challenge. 

I have had my peanut butter and jam sandwich . It’s the thing of late night wakefulness. At the same time I’m trying to lose the weight about my middle that comes from sitting at a desk and not doing enough exercise. The problem is watching tv as that’s when I’m most prone to snack. These late night indulgences are a bit of heaven.  I sleep well after this snack.  I look forward to the morning coffee too.  I’ve a meeting today and some work to do but the big decision is whether to buy a new iPhone which will be launched tomorrow. I’ve a plan to drop off laundry and continue to at least look at the new device which my work depends on. My source of adventure is in learning new apps and transferring the old to the new.  I have the cloud to consider.  So much of my past is in the local hard drives and memories while more and more I trust this ethereal space called the ‘cloud’.  

My patients are faced with dementia, others with death and I’m muddling forward wondering whether to face old age in a pair of trousers or trews or a dress.  I really am grateful. My challenges and demons or blessings are almost humorous in comparison to what they could be.  I hank you God for the revelry. Thank you Jesus. 

Whistler RV Campground, Sunday

I had a wonderful sleep. Woke at. 130 am and took an intermission.  Let Madigan out for a pee.  We’ve looked at the galaxy of stars here with awe.  Now having slept through with beautiful Laura sleeping beside me I’m up at 7 am ready to hunt. Except I’m not.

It’s the last day here. We have had a wonderful time. I’ve been out hunting early morning and evening everyday.  We have laid about in the after noon reading on lawn chairs and enjoying the views.  I’ve seen 30 or 40 grouse and a half dozen rabbits but only shot 4 grouse.  I barbecued two of them and had them with steak one night.  There’s Brew Cafe here at the RV camp, a remarkable place with superb food. Attractive Australian chef.  Burgers and Pizzas and the best of the best breakfasts supreme. She’s only open on weekends and later this morning I plan to get Laura and me a couple more.  

I did some work, not much, it’s a slack time.  I have certainly appreciated the time off, a real vacation, with exercise and clean mountain air, great company, easy going.  A true break from my work, a free man in Paris.  

I have even attended my Cyberdocs on line meetings, three this week.  I have faced my fear of not being liked, of offending, of being less than.  I’m welcome. I’m a part of.  I like Nathan and others whose eccentricities have paved the way for my own acceptance.  I still feel alienated and isolated at times.  

I pray daily much of the day.  I want o be closer to God, to know God more clearly and dearly. To gain insight into the ‘way’.  I love the sense of being in the ‘flow’.  Often now aging I feel I’m in death’s waiting room, yet mostly I just do one day at a time.,

I’ve target practiced here with my 22 enjoying that exercise. I’ve especially enjoyed the 4 or more cold water swims I’ve had in the little lake.  I’ve enjoyed the rare times the grouse didn’t dart off 50 to 100 yards out when they’ve heard the ATV.  So many just fly up out of nowhere and then are gone into the thick fern and logged ankle breaking bush and forest.  Only one landed in a tree I could see and he became food.

I’m having a coffee here. The sunrise was spectacular with a lovely pink clouds.  Now the sun is fully up. I’ve been out in the bush watching slash for deer.  Yet there’s been no sign. No tracks. No poop. Even in the forest when I’ve walked along trails I ‘ve only seen one hoof print of indeterminate age.  I guess that migrant deer come here later in the years with the snow because there is evidence of hunters camps from previous years.

It would be great if I continued now to write the various novels I have vaguely planned. A part of me sees me doing that when I’m less capable of physically demanding activities. This hunting has been exercise and good activity.  I have helped my upper body strength and spine mobility with the strenuous ATV driving. I’ve walked and hiked and climbed a bit. Truly not enough but an hour or more each day that’s more strenuous than the exercise I get walking the dog at home. The swims haven’t been long but the cold water has been  good.

I’ve read Facebook and the family activities, watching the pictures of the grand nephews and following the adventures of the nephews and sister in law. Hay Bay improvements continue with Graeme and Adell completing the gazebo screening it in so there’s now a place to sit by the lake.  Meagan and Allen flew back to England for a few weeks

I’ve followed the friends on Facebook, severa now hunting and getting big game.  Kevin and Anna with the 5 kids shot 20 grouse and a young bear. A coyote too.  

Laura has woken and risen.

I made coffee for here and am drinking mine. I’ve a cup in the enclosed container and a cup of tea ready to go too.  I’ll pack up today too

Just checked and I’m not working Monday or Tuesday.  Immediately I fear poverty and humiliation and living without in a tenement with abusive neighbours.  It’s the feeling of being unable to protect myself from young bullies and corrupt police organizations.  Elder abuse. The fear of that and the struggles I hear my patients having.  I don’t think into the future because I tend to catastrophising. The truth is the future is bright. 

I have squirrels and the stellar jay at the door. Laura is up having coffee with me and Madigan is excited.  I plan to make a run with the ATV, hopefully shoot a grouse, be surprised if I see a deer. Maybe see a rabbit.  I’m winding down. Just checked and I don’t work Monday or Tuesday so we have another night here.  I could aim for civilized existence , more lawnchair time.  

I find it easy not to cross dress when Laura is here. The saying goes, ‘he’s not a man without a woman’.  We are good together though I worry about our lack of exercise . I worry about cost too.  

Fear of economic insecurity will leave us - that’s a promise. Anxiety is a measure of one’s distance from God. I could see the future in meditation and prayer too so the issue of cost is in travelling . Here I have the whole outfit and a place that I can live in either machine so it’s okay.  As long as I work I can afford upkeep .  Jesus said ‘do not be afraid’. I have back pain and am less flexible and more prone to falling. I’ve lost hearing and sight. I’m aware of these.  There’s the fear.  The decline. The sense of others dying too. Hearing others have passed and seeing celebrities with all their wealth unable to maintain appearances.  

Today rather than being out running about on the ATV hoping to slay a little bird I’m here writing a blog, journaling, reflecting, thankful.  Grateful. Thank you God for the company, Laura and Madigan, this great Camper, the IPad, the terrific coffee and cream and honey, the whole life I am living. I love Whistler RV Park and this Ridge View site. We’ve just been observing the neighbours and commenting on their behaviour to their dog.  It’s fun with Laura gossiping about the immediate activities. She’s already fed the squires and birds and squirrels.  God’s blessings are wonderful.  Really. Thank you Jesus for this day.  

Just had the Deluxe Breakfast again from Brew Mountain Cafe.  Just delicious.  Laura said it kept her full all day . What a fabulous meal.  Now having coffee and considering a ride on the atv with Madigan in search of grouse. He’s sleepy today and was happy with the walk to the Cafe.  We truly are blessed. This view is sacred.  

Whistler RV Campground, Hunting Holiday

I came back early this morning.  I’m losing faith and stamina.  I’ve seen 25 grouse but they’ve all flown out of the tall grass along the FSR when my Honda Rancher ATV is 50 yards away.  The grouse are individual or pairs and I expect that a dozen were born in the spring but coyotes and other predators ate the rest.  These are the elite fast and smart troops.  

This morning I sat in my little folding cammo chair beside the quad at 730 am.  I’d been up at 615 and good at getting away.  Beautiful dawn view. Yet I’m no longer patient and meditative as I once was.  My mind is at peace but not still. It sustains meditation for 15 minutes. I remember when I meditated with SRF monks dawn to dusk.  My mind is weary today as are my legs and back.  I climbed and hiked a mountain trail yesterday for over an hour. Today my body is tired.

I trip and stumble too much when I follow the grouse. I shot one at 50 years with the 22 . It jumped but then took off again.  I climbed the shale cliff holding onto branches.  Madigan couldn’t follow but eventually joined me.  No sign of the grouse.  I don’t think it was wounded.

There is no fresh deer tracks. No new or even old deer poop.  There was coyote stool on the trail and what might have been black bear poop as well.

How do you tell black bear spore from grizzly bear spore.  The black bear spore is black with berries and leaves in it with hair from small animals while the grizzly bear spore smells of pepper and has human hair and bits of clothing along with being black and having berries. 

I’ve seen three rabbits.  All scattered before I could stop the ATV and get my rifle.  Law says I can’t have the rifles loaded either so it’s a timely process.

Today is Madigan’s 3rd birthday.  We’re having. Arb excused steady and grouse tonight to celebrate. We gave him the new squeaky duck toy. He’s have a dog’s life. 

I only sat for an hour.  I used to sit from 7 to 10 then walk for an hour then drive about after 11. I sat till 9 and then drove about till 1030 before coming back to the camper. I only saw one grouse in flight.  

I showered.  I even washed a pair of underwear and socks.  

I want to go on the snowmobile trails but the entrance is so steep, going down was easy in first gear but coming up in second gear was scarey. I worry I’ll flip back wards and rides standing.  I can miss that.  I’ve been enjoying reading Lee Child.  Now I’ve started a Wilber Smith Seventh Scroll.   I took care of a couple of patients so have a little money coming in. I didn’t book any one this trip feeling. I need a real break.  It’s certainly that.  

I’ve got a hunting routine now and just have to get on my socks and boots. The rest is easy.  I like the quiet and the magnificent view.  I’ve the electric heater going at night. It’s chilly.  I love my bed.  

I had a nightmares of being with Tom in an old house dealing with the Communist Chinese invasion of Canada.  A chinese couple were helping us explaining that so few liked the Maoists and XiJinping. The rest like themselves were anti communism.  It was a reflection on Canada.  An apocalypse seencior

I’ve been enjoying my expresso coffee in the morning and my Twinning Early Grey or Lemon and Ginger Stash tea in the afternoon and evening.

Thank you Jesus for this vacation and all the many wonders.  Thank you for Laura and Madigan.  

Whistler RV Park and Brandywine Mountain

Some say hunting is the most expensive sport. I’d say it competes with yachting.  My fisherman and golf friends argue about the cost of their endeavours.  The antique car and motorcycle enthusiasts are as protective as the ski enthusiasts. The costs do make one consider leasing and renting and living on the surface.  Camping has been a lifelong passion ignited by my parents and carried on into the next generation.  My mom and dad went from army tent with us kids as toddlers to the top of the line Slumber Queen RV bus and Good Sam Membership.  

I’ve now a Good Sam Membership.  Dad introduced me to hunting when I was 6 and now I’m still hunting decades later. He loved his truck and never did get an ATV. My brother had a motorcycle.  They both hunted mostly stalking.  I’ve pupped tented and sierra camped in bag beneath the stars.  This Adventurer Camper on the back of my Ford F350 is luxury.  Staying at a full service RV Campground like this Whistler RV Park is heaven.  The Burnaby Cariboo RV Park is a Good Sam park. Good Sam parks are highly rated with the kind of amenities and service that Whistler RV Park has.  I’ve come along way from days of roughing it when I camped way off grid and shot deer in the mountains I carried back on my shoulders.  The last deer I shot I almost died dragging it a hundred yards to the logging road and truck.  We get old. 

I love the great electrical and water and sewer hook up here.  The view is to die for.  When we were last here it was the view and overall tidiness and orderliness of the campground that attracted us.  

The preparation for this 10 day hunting trip and another 10 days planned in October required me to have the F350 checked out by Coastal Ford. It’s not a wise idea to go into the backwoods with a truck that has problems.   Thanks to divorce I’ve hunted in less than optimal vehicle, divorce cars and divorce vans but today I have the wherewithal to plan wisely.  Enough can happen with good equipment one doesn’t want to invite trouble.  I had the Honda 420 Rancher checked out by Chilliwack Motorcycle.  I took all the equipment for hunting out of the storage locker and checked it over. I have my Iridium Satellite Phone for emergencies and renewed my time as well as arranging the camping Star link package that allows me to communicate and even work away from home.  It was $500 to just have the fuel and propane for truck, camper and ATV .  Add to that the few hundred dollars for groceries.  We have to eat here or at home so I don’t think of those expenses as such.  This morning I made Laura soft boiled eggs on toast with cafe au last and toast and French marmalade.  We had fresh squeezed orange juice and it was delicious.  The mountain air was delectable. Madigan the dog was happy be with us and to be able to pee outside the door.

It’s a lot of moving parts.  A hunting trip isn’t the same as the yachting expeditions I did.  At sea if you’re missing something you have to make do.  Tools are a major concern. Here if I was missing something I could detach the camper and take the truck into town to get it but the aim is to be self sufficient for the week.  I believe we’ve done that.  We’re all set up here .  

I was up at 7 am and attended an on line meeting at 8 then had breakfast and by 1030 am  had the Rancher loaded and clipped Madigan onto the seat be hind me on the quad.  Laura wished us well.  We were off. What a great ride on the Brandywine Snowmobile trails.  The views of the mountain, Chocolate Bowl and Brandy Wine Bowl .  I found the Snowmobile Hut and the little lake.  I even stopped to sit on the deck chairs and drink the last of my coffee I had in the thermos I bought at the Harrison Lake gift store. It fits perfectly in the holder I have on the ATV.  

Until tomorrow morning it’s only bow hunting season for deer, bear and partridge.  I didn’t bring my big Excalibur Cross Bow because of the bulk really.  I did bring my mini cross bow feeling good knowing I could shoot a grouse if they walked out onto the road.  Deer will have to wait. I’m looking forward to heading out early tomorrow. 

Back for lunch Laura made chicken and halepeno cheese sandwiches on sour door bread and we drank Coca Cola and relaxed.  After that I finished reading the incredible Anthony Grey novel, Peking. I’ve order his Tokyo Bay book in hard cover.  Laura and I have been lying on deck chairs with Madigan intermittently walking over us.  A chip munk has been looking at us from a rock.  The view is incredible. 

It’s heaven on earth. I’m going to load up and head out for an evening ride along a logging road trying to decide where to hunt first thing tomorrow.  Today was reconnoiter day and maybe shoot a grouse.  So far the chip munk is the only 4 footed life I’ve seen.  Still what an adventurer. Laura told me she was listening to the cheering this morning as today was the was the Vancouver Whistler bicycle race with one lane of the sea to sky highway closed.  We were glad to have come up yesterday and not encountered the traffic which much have been difficult today.  We’re here 10 days and the stress is just lifting off us in this incredibly peaceful place. 

Both Laura and I think this much be sacred ground it’s so positive. The energy is truly uplifting.  I do love my little home away from home with all the amenities. Glamping is blessed.  Thank you Jesus.

Sun Valley RV Resort

Laura joined joined us Friday morning. I’d gone through my hunting gear that week so was already to load the truck before she arrived.  All I needed to do was throw her bags in the back with my bow and rifle while Madigan was ecstatic to see his beloved. It was 1030 when we left.  At Chilliwack Storage we loaded the camper and hitched up the trailer and Honda 420  Rancher.  Leaving Chilliwach we saw the Canadian Tire Store had moved when we stopped to fuel up at Essa.  In Hope we made our last stop at the excellent Buy Low Grocery Store, our favourite provisioning stop.  We also made a Macdonald Stop for burgers for all three of us.  Then a half hour later we were at the Sun Valley RV Resort.

It was a beautiful day , warm with sunshine and blue sky.

I’d just hooked up the Camper and unloaded the ATV when a Sun Valley official said we couldn’t have an ATV in that site.  I was surly and tired at the prospect of moving.  He did inform me after looking at the computer I’d failed to tick ‘have ATV’ box in reservation. I’d thought I’d phoned and made the reservation but apparently I’d done it on line.  He was gracious however saying I could part the ATV or move my camp.  We opted to move the camp. Not really much effort.  The result was actually an improvement, an end lot beside a delightful combined family of four adults and as many children under four.  A little mud covered boy  was playing a with plastic golf clubs in the site when I parked the ATV. 

“I’m bringing my camper and trailer here next as managerment has moved us here.”

“Do you want to keep the boy.  He comes  with the site,” the beautiful mother asked.  I laughed and said, “I could trade your Tiger Woods for my dog.”  The mother picked up her child as I returned to collect Laura, Madigan and the camper.  

“This is really better, “ Laura said when I had the water, electricity , sewer hose hooked up and we had settled in.  “We only have lovely parents and children on one side of us and forest on the other side.”  Laura works all week with people and loves a break from the maddening crowds.

The fellow came by and I apologized for my grumpiness earlier.  “Sorry I complained about having to move,” I said.  

“Not at all, ‘ he said, “But we were full up so had a challenge to juggle sites so you were in the ATV section of the park. We try to accommodate customers as best we can but keep the two parts of the campground separate.’  I presumed it was because people without ATV’s didn’t want their children at risk while people with ATV’s had their children driving them down the lanes.  

I was just thankful I’d not gone full commando when he said we couldn’t be in the first site but simply objected only to have a better solution present itself thanks to the good will of the Sun Valley folk.  It even appeared that it was my fault.  

I’d hooked up the Starlink Wi Fi router so could attend the on line meeting 8 am next morning.  I thought how that event could have gone when I was younger, when I was drinking, or when I was hung over. I seem to recall some similiar episode with shouting and walking out, grudges and resentments and by comparison everyone was civil and a lovely solution followed.  It was like Hound of Heaven.  Sun Valley was wanting a solution as much as I but they were also obliged to consider the hundreds of other adults and children here along with their safety.  It’s a marvellous resort with swimming pools, hot tubs, many activities and access to the ATV trails along the river and the forest service road.  Wilderness a couple of hour direct drive from Vancouver if provisioning isn’t involved. There’s even a resort store that carries all the necessaries in addition to ice cream cone stand and liquor licensed outlet.  

That first night we were early to bed.  I love the quiet and smell of fresh air. The rains earlier in the week had cleared the smoke from the arson caused forest fires.  I was pleased that finally arsonists were being caught and the lies of last year were being challenged.  Australia seemed to me first to report a dozen eco terrorist arsons. Now Canada had caust several, one woman having set 30 fires.  In the past we’d had to contend with lightening strikes and accidental human fires from cigarettes and campfires left smouldering. Now we had environmentalists wanting everyone to jump on their climate change crazy train and eco terrorists wanting to expedite the New World Order. 

The resort had a rule you can only start up ATV’s after 9 and must be in before 9.  After the on line meeting I made toast and poached eggs for Laura and I with more fresh ground Kickng Horse expresso coffee.  It was 10:30 am when I finally headed off with Madigan.  Sun shining. Blue sky. Warm. It’s always the best of times the Labor Day long weekend.  BC country is God’s country.  I’ve rarely shot anything these weekends but so enjoyed nature and the end of summer.  The scent of autumn was in the early morning air but the foliage hadn’t yet begun to change colour.  I moseyed along the mountain trails beside the rushing mountain creek.  Other ATV’s passed me but I just enjoyed looking about going 10 km hr.  Taking a trail off the main FSR I came to the end where someone had hung out gong for target practice.  It only took 2 bullseye shots with the Ruger 30 06 to know it was sited in still for last year.  

Driving out I was delighted to see a young man, late teens early twenties dressed in cammo with a compound bow and bird tipped arrows. We chatted on the trail.  When I left he trail I saw his black ranger parked on the side of the road.  I continued on up past the old ski lift where I met another couple of friendly ATV folk on the trail.

“Is that a Honda?” The fellow asked.

“Yes,” I said , the ‘420 tracker ‘ I said misnaming my Rancher ATV.  

“She has the 550 Honda Rubicon and this is the 700 Yamaha”.  I shared how I’d had a Yamaha and a bigger Honda but was downsizeing and for hunting the 420 was more than enough.  ‘We’re looking for grouse. The dog wants me to shoot one so he can fetch it.” 

‘I saw 6 up by the lake,” he said.  They told me about the lake. Another ATV fellow earlier had asked if the path we were on led to the lake.  I’d said I didn’t know. I’d only found rivers when I’d been here the week before. Now there really was a lake.  I’d follow them up thinking a lake meant beach and imagining a cool swim in a hot afternoon.  The lake turned out to be more of a pond with logs fallen in it, no beach and not the best swimming hole.  Still it was a destination.  Definitely a place for deer. 

“I saw the grouse at dusk,” the fellow had said. 

“Grouse come out at 10 to noon and 5 to dusk .  Deer come out at dawn and dusk. “ It was only 1230 then so I thought maybe I’d see a grouse yet.  I also checked out the satelite phone making contact with Laura back at camp letting her know I was by the ‘lake’.  

I’d only been gone a few hours before we rolled back into Camp.  It was hot. I barbecued smokies and we sat at the picnic tables with canned coke and simply enjoyed smokies with mustard.  We were all alone there the families with kids being off at the pool. When we walked Madigan about the park we saw the pool was full of children.  I’d thought of using the hot tub but instead enjoyed lying outside on the deck chair reading Peking by Anthony Grey, the history fiction epic  of a missionary in the time of Mao and WWII.

That night I barbecued pork chops and zucchini.  Laura and I talked about people we knew on face book.  We both enjoyed Baiba’s travels in Europe and we sad to learn that Jimmy Buffet had died. His music was such a part of my sailing south to the Sea of Cortez.  

“they called his music, tropical music’, Laura commented reading one of the tributes. The best was the tribute by Paul McCartney. My favourite song of his was Changes of Latitude, Changes of Atitude, which I learned to play in La Paz.  Margaritaville, and Come Monday were also part of his ‘8’ he played every concert for the sake of his fans, 8 songs being his most famous.  Laura’s daughter Shannon had had a panic attack and we all commiserated .  My nephew Allan and Meagan had gone to England presumably for a visit having lived there a couple of years.  Graeme and Adell were building a cottage from what had been the boat shed, at least enclosing it for evenings along the lake protected from wind and mosquitos.  Andrew and Tanya were were out shopping with the great nephews.  Facebook, despite Zuckenberg’s reactionary politics, still served to keep family and our friends in recovery connected.  Laura and I both love Joan’s pictures and her afternoon dances at Lulu’s.  I love Rob’s adventures with motorcycle and welding.  

We went to bed early last night but woke at 6 am. Laura and I’ve had a coffee. Madigan has had a walk about the camper.  Laura and he have gone back to bed. I could do that too or make some more coffee and maybe fry up some bacon for bacon sandwiches.  I hope to get out and look for grouse in an hour or so.  Tight schedule.  So many demands. I could just read on the lawn chair or go up and sit in the hot tub too.  I’m here for the grouse but its not written in stone.  I’m actually glad I can’t start up the ATV before 9 am. Next week gun hunting begins and I suppose I’ll have to head off at dawn if I hope to shoot a deer this year.  It’s all exercise too.  

Thank you God for this day, for Laura and Madigan, family and friends. Help us know thy will and give us the power to carry it out. Help be know you more deeply. Thank you for all the blessings, the health and mobility to do this , the camper, truck and ATV, the equipment and all that goes into these adventures and the decades of preparation and knowledge, the learning and experience.  Thank you for Dad taking us hunting prairie chickens when I was a child.  Out here I always remember fondly the weekends hunting with my father and brother, mom back at the tent or later camper making up breakfast when we returned.  I was truly blessed to have such remarkable loving parents as a child.  Thank you Jesus.