1. I don’t have children. I didn’t reproduce. I failed the fundamental ‘duty’, ‘naturalness’, ‘manliness’ of having children. I was told by a woman that she had aborted my child. I had my sperm tested at the lowest point in my life when I was drinking, drugging, depressed and suicidal having failed at stopping my wive’s cocaine and drug addiction and her lying, feeling betrayed by all the recent idols in my life. The test said the sperm was adequate. So there I was having contributed with great work and effort to the baby making industry, with multiple partners over decades and yet despite my giving houses and fortunes to women, they’d not had my children. They did have the children of psychopaths, addicts and politicians.
There was even that one truly glorious upper class professional who worked as an escort on the side, had an alcohol and cocaine problem she hid and a true addiction to male doctors and money. I don’t know if she ever saw me as anything more than status and finance and putty in her hands for future development. I caught her cutting the tips off my condoms sometimes around the time I found she was stealing to pay for her cocaine habit. I still dream of her on occasion. She was the girl next door and I would have loved her as a family member but the thought of her as a mother was scarey. She caused her mother many tears and had such a drive to socially excell all he while she was falling deeper into her addiction.
1 On the positive side I saved thousands of babies lives. I also helped thousands of children’s parents. I delivered a hundred babies and cared for the newborns. Later I’d do family therapy and adolescent therapy and treat drug and alcohol addiction successfully in parents, adolescents and children. I put that on the plus side. I remember my mother in my early years of medicine working sleepless nights as a country gp and later as a fly in doctor in the sub arctic, “You’ve delivered so many babies and cared for so many women and children don’t ever feel you have to have children for me. Your brother has given us grandchildren and you’ve done so much for others.” I’d been going into dangerous reserves facing up to guns and knives and broken bottles to get to the sick children and sick women. I’d saved all this native children in a meningitis epidemic. I’d been in a plane crash. I’d got TB. I was always working more than the job required taking extra shifts in the emergency, covering for others, putting in twice the hours. I’ve always done hours of unpaid work, that guy who shows up early and leaves late and doesn’t pay attention to the ‘billable hours’ the lawyers teach us about. I did so much pro bono work to, serving people without health care, doing countless procedures and visits unpaid for by the plan. I just did the ‘right’ thing and watched the clever government accountants rubbing their hands and thinking that they had another stupid doctor they could fleece. Everywhere I went the businessmen double charged the doctor and openly took advantage all the time claiming we had some kind of priviledge. Meanwhile I worked seven days a week for years and vacations were educational. Later I’d be told by the government administrator that physicians were just doing their ‘jobs’. Now increasingly doctors don’t specialize but get a law or accounting or business degree instead of learning more medicine to better serve the patients. I believe they are right because our focus on health care meant we weren’t watching our backs as these administrators and bean counters moved in and stole the money for medical care redefining everything with euphemism and getting themselves and their cronies bigger offices and more pensions and services. I will never forget the day the “doctor only’ parking sign was pulled down and the ‘administrator only’ sign was put up. The administrator saw everything in terms of status and power whereas the doctor only parking was by the emergency and meant to ensure quickest access. I’ve always wondered when I’ll get back the millions in back pay since these aetheists think they’re so clever and don’ believe in heaven or hell or figure I can get my reward in heaven while they’re going to take the cream here. I ‘ m now designated as a ‘people pleaser’ and all my ‘service’ is defined as pathological. My idea of duty and tradition and nobless oblige and service and altruism and generosity are no longer ‘Canadian values’ but redefined as new Canadian values as ‘every man for himself’, ‘lick and kick’ hierarchy, and ‘survival of the fitest’, and the one with the most money from whatever means wins. Honour and truth are not ‘multi cultural terms’. Multi culturalism is the lowest common denominator of culture, ‘dog eat dog’, not the highest idea of ‘kultura’ as defined by Austrians as the development of the best a nation has to offer, in art and sciences. My medical government rewards the clever doctors who does the least for the patient and most for the administration. Even the awards have shifted to give those loyal to the regime the most and those who have contributed to medicine as an ideal the least.
I’ve worked for 24 years of education and forty plus years of front line service, having on my own time done a specialty and subspecialty and theological training all at cost to myself. The highest I was paid was as a gp. Yet my specialization and subspecialization training and maintenance have cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars and countless hours. Internists, psychiatrists, addictionists and family physicians are all the lowest paid clinicians. All the front line workers of medicine are open to the most criticism and scrutiny by patients however the doctor police are utterly removed from the front line and if they did any of the behaviours they do miles behind the lines in the luxury and safety of their offices they would not last a week. There is no arrogance on the front lines or over the wire as their is in the safety and priviledge of the command bunkers of the world where stupidity and incompetence are common and there is all the time in the world for graft and corruption.
2. I did drugs, LSD, marijuana, tried coke and didn’t like it, had opiates at the hospital and didn’t like it. But I liked the loss of clarity of marijuania. I liked the social effects of alcohol, the dinner party and the sex after. I liked smoking a combination of cannabis and tobacco. I liked the image of the smoker. I liked the pipe and the cigarette. I didn’t like he sore on my lip from the burning pipe. I didn’t like the wheezing and cough. I did like the cowboy, sailor, blue collar , lower class man flavour of smoking. I didn’t think of it as superior or elevated but rather what Hollywood and worldly people did. I saw it as lawyers and soldiers.
I was a binger so on holidays smoked dope and drank too much the for 6 month at a time I’d knuckle down to work. I was on call one in three for years or on call all the time in private practice .I couldn’t be impaired. It was like being a driver. I had to be out of the country or off the grid beyond telephone to let my hair down. I wasn’ t a regular user. Even in the last year before I stopped drinking and stopped smoking I’d sailed a yacht to Mexico, rescued a whale, published countless articles, helped set up a school for disabled children, played guitar in a band, learned ham and provided medical ham radio emergency services at sea. I was never a ‘dysfunctional’ alcoholic. I was always highly functional. I was gifted and accomplished and felt that a weekend drunk was a ‘blue collar reward’ well earned by above and beyond the call of duty. I saved lives at sea. I rescued cruisers after they lost their boat to fire. I established a new medical practice but I couldn’t deal with my wife’s cocaine addiction. I couldn’t address her catatonic states and drug abuse and manic bizarre behaviour that began the first year of marriage, depression and mania. Drugs and alcohol. I remember saying “I can say home and care for one person or I can go to work and care for a hundred, I can’t do both.” I felt an utter failure for that. My psychiatrist and I arranged for her to leave work and go to treatment in Southern California mostly to get away from he cocaine dealers but instead of going into treatment she escaped and continued drugs and alcohol with me providing the cover for her dysfunction. Well I walked out. If you can’t beat them join them. I concluded that no one knew how to deal with addicted wives and that I was tired of being the wife and father to professional women. Twenty years I’d cooked and cleaned and done the lions share of the ‘pink jobs’ and the lion’s share of he ‘blue ‘ jobs and brought home three times the income of my partners who had been ‘party girls’ when I met then and considered ‘husband’s’ the tools they had in exchange for sex. Yet while the sex was spectacular in first years the last years were more like necrophilia and in the last couple of years absent. I was the bad man. I was blamed for women using pot. There was a strange dichotomy. If men did somehing wrong it was always the man’s fault. If women did something wrong, i was also the man’s fault. Now I’m seeing all the white women I’d known who once blamed men for their faults coming awake to the idea that now it’s all their fault. White women are the problem of he world. Of course white women make good winnings for others and yet in the end men sing I’d rather be a hammer than a nail. Self pity is ugly on a man and not on a woman. Men are seen as bitter while women are seen as victims. I never liked unfair games without level playing fields. I’d seen myself as a failure. I disappointed women because I stepped back from the Sado masochism. I had been the ‘daddy;’,provider and protector and I’d done that overtime, all my work and income going to the home. Financially though in the feminist world ‘what is mine is mine and what is yours is yours’ so the incomes that the women made went to their own entertainment and family whereas I gave to the company store. I didn’t mind because I was committed for life but prisoner’s dilemma dictates that the trick is how to time the getting in and gettting out. Life time marriages are zero sum but now the average length of relationship is 5 years and the trick is to take. So I watched these extra bank accounts appear and was fascinated .I simply didn’t care. I’ve been curious and would rather know than ‘win’. I’d won so much in my time but I wanted to know God. God was always hide and seek. So what was love. I truly loved the women and they loved me but they were afraid. I know so much more about anxiety today.
So I’ve supported and cared for women most of my life. I cared for my mother. I cared for wives. I ‘ve shared my income and all I have with a series of beautiful women. I have been amazed at men who women seem to routinely admire and celebrate who get women to serve them. Pimps are very successful and men who play boys and whine in the home.As a marriage therapist I saw these interesting arrangements. I was even more fascinated doing marriage therapy with gays and lesbians and seeing the same dynamics. Always prisoner’s dilemma. The problem of cooperative behaviour and fear.
Fascinating.
So in a way my own relationships helped me help others to master theirs in the same way my 21 years of sobriety helped me help other get free of addiction.
I’m a better person today but I don’ give myself credit. I continue to consider myself a failure and a dissappoitment. I’ve given my left arm to work and relationships only to realize that my boss was a zombie cannibals or that my wife had insatiable needs. I’ve never been good at saying ‘no’. I’d rather walk away alone. And I have. I don’t know anyone else but other solo sailors and survivalists who’ve passive aggressively left the world. 25 days without human contact at sea. Weeks on end in cabins or tents. Long periods of time alone. But the key is that 25 days. Now I’m doing the Covid thing but i ‘m still in the hive. I pick up the mail. I have a relationship with the mailman. I’m not really alone. I know alone. Other’s don’t. It’s like when I fasted for weeks on orange juice and water. People say they fast but the Muslims mean they don’t eat during the day, that’s not the same as 21 years not smoking or fasting from alcohol or weeks of fasting from food.
It’s said that sacrifice is giving up what you most enjoy for a higher good of the relationship with God.
Even the sacrifices I’ve made and they’re countless were self centered and self serving. I believe that God is the greater self. When I give to my girlfriend or a patient or family or a stranger I feel I’m just a conduit, like St. Francis, make me a channel of your peace. I only feel badly when I think I’m a limited person like the paranoid Scrooge . I’m a little more fearful in old age.
These aren’t the only things I beat myself up about but they’re a start. Humility is godly but it’s easy to ‘appear’ humble and wear grey suits. Veblem talked about that but it’s hard to be humble. Humility means God all and me nothing. Since ‘me’ is ego and as long as I function at the ego level I’m insatiable. It’s called ‘looking for love in all the wrong places’. Addiction is best explained by CS Lewis who said,stop looking for the architect in he wall. I like chocolate right now. I have to try and be moderate with it. I remember as a kids we ate so much chocolate after Halloween we got sick. My bulemic patients and my masochists patients and all those patients who have difficulties with self control and narcissism have taught me about my own foibles. I must learn to drop the ‘rock’. Part of that is not beating myself up.
Today I’m a good guy because I care for a plant and a puppy. In addition to that I care for this body and do a lot for others too but the plant needs me and it’s a real chore to remember to water her. She’s a Christmas cactus.
Meanwhile I can’ seem to forgive the system. I’m like Arendt at Nuremberg I know that the ‘security’ council of the UN is a euphemism for ‘warlords’. The War Lords of the World are Russia, China , US, France, and Britain. They make the most money. ‘Steal a little and they put you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king’. The ‘reformer is the enemy of anyone who benefits from the status quo’. The ‘useful idiots’ are those who unknowing serve. In medicine the abortionists financially make a killing. The big bucks are in death and now the euthanist doctors are ramping up their money making killing machine. I took a Hippocrates Oath. It’s no longer ‘in’. It’s unfashionable. The government has always been into killing and it’s now coopted the medical profession. The nurses went first, agreeing to do the bidding of the administration unquestioning and now the medical profession has fallen for the gold and bling.
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