Wednesday Morning 7 am

I don’t know what to write.  I woke at 6 am.  It didn’t feel like I slept much.  It was chilly.  So much heat in the day and chilly at night.  I was in bed early enough. Tired from the day.  Stress having it’s toll.  So many demands.  So much to do.  Confusion.  Muddling through. Moving in molasses. And always the self pity gnawing at my heart like a cockroach.  I would walk in the light.  Gravity has it’s hold on me though.  I’d be weightless and lift off.
I’ve been running.  It’s a joy that I can.  For the last few years injuries made all activity acutely painful.  The knee injury and ankle injury and foot injury. The feet still hurt. Funny for a dancer to have sore feet but this from a crush injury.  Orthotics and new shoes and physio all served to restore me to walking pain free (relatively) and now running. But the body is fat and older and complains with exertion. I can only run a couple of times a week. The period in between is recovery.  I ran last night.  I was in shock after. My body watched tv in paralysis. We’d only just exercised on Saturday.  My body was utterly unprepared.  A surprise run.  Trying to sleep at night my eyes wouldn’t close. Open staring up at the skylight crying, ‘why me, why is he doing this to me.’  I’m confronting sloth.  There’s a war within. One part of me wishes to curl up in the fetal position and eat hagen daz till I die while the other says this exercise thing is good.  I was doing tai chi in the woods too. My knee is shouting out it’s concern angrily.  Parts of me are in rebellion.  My waist is smug though. Not budging.  I do have more energy.  I feel more alert. I’m less likely to be suicidal with all this cardio. If I have to be homicidal I’ll be more effective.
I guess I slept.  The night before I dreamed of sex and was young again.  Last night I must have been in a futuristic war zone. I feel all beat up.
Now the coffee has helped. I’ve put on the heat. I’ve walked the dog.
I’m supposed to write.  I told myself I 'd write. I tell myself to write. I'm my own robot.
I was meditating on Julian of Norwich, remembering something St. Theresa said that was the same.  An intellectual I know annoyed me as I whizzed through the hundred or so emails and references.  I have less and less time for conceit and drivel. I’ve been deleting arbitrarily, withdrawing from face book ‘interests’.  I’ve found I’m increasingly less interested.  The fact is I’m just a tad grumpy.  The self pity is palpable. It’s like a shark now rising out of the unconscious. Big teeth.  The very big teeth of self pity and the gaping maw.
I’m supposed to be working on the great canadian novel.  How will it ever get finished if I don’t contribute. Instead I’m blogging.  I’m a modern day ‘diarist’.  This was a thing of the 18th century and before.  Self indulgent wandering mental vomitus on page.
I could comment on the news. There are forest fires. There have always been forest fires.  But these forest fires are said to be worse forest fires.  They’re the worst forest fires. The media is hysterical.  They are even saying it’s a drought and those farmers who didn’t put in irrigation equipment are demanding that we the tax payer bail them out.
I’m unprepared for my day. I want a bail out.   I didn’t become a banker. I could have been a lawyer. I could have focused on the lucrative aspects of medicine. I was wrong.  Assassin would have been a more monetarily fulfilling term. I compare myself with others financially.  I’m a mere doctor.  I could have saved better. I could have bought houses. I could have focused more on finance. Read financial magazines rather than comic books.  The price of meat is three times what it was. Fuel prices are up now that the environmentalists have destroyed Alberta and want to return us to the communes of the 60's.  I didn't like the communes of the 60's .  I've done my time tenting. I wanted to die quietly in a fine nursing home with clean sheets like the Gods of old England in Dick Slaterly's Holistic Detective  Agency.
I wasted so much time I could have spent on becoming an evil materialist genius. I'm unprepared for old age. My generation were meant to die in the Cold War. Silent Spring promised that we'd be a burnt out planet in 10 years.  We've survived all these catastrophes. I should have died from an STD.  My penis should have fallen off from masturbating. I should have gone to hell for thinking about women'. I should have gone to hell by now. The Rapture didn't take me.  I'm not supposed to be alive. Aliens abducted others.  I paid attention to everything about Roswell.  I wanted my own space ship. I astral travelled. I sought nirvana as a pretzel. I prayed for salvation. I sat twisted up in search of samedhi. I was with the greatest women the earth ever knew. Cleopatras and Dulcineas have been my lovers. I've known the best of men.  But I wasn't supposed to live this long.  If I did there was supposed to be a cyborg body or I'd be lisfted up into a Tron universe.  Why must I continue with limited income when others have helicopters and old small countries and private armies.  I don't think CEO's should be paid more than hockey players. I had just adjusted to hockey player getting paid so much then I realized there were golfers too getting a whole lot and rock stars and I was the doctor whose salary was fixed and everyone loved 'rent controls on doctors' but I was poor. And yet I wasn't. I was rich in experience. I was driving my Miata sports car and living in a trailer park. I have all I could want but for a private jet and a mansion in the south of France and a rocket launcher.  I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams but I'm haunted by self pity.
I could have done scams. Instead I was a wastrel. That’s one of the terms my self pitying mind throws up for me. I ‘m on austerity in the diet compartment and austerity in the budget compartment.  Greece is withering beneath the gaze of haute germany.  Hollywood is putting out constant television about it’s worst excesses. I have no tv that reflects on me, leave it to beaver, seinfeld , friends. I can’t relate to the Kardashians.  All they bring to mind the idea that physician assisted suicide is necessary.  Imagine an hour in the company of such drivel.  Death would be better.  Yet they show that there’s something wrong with Hollywood, like Michael Jackson sleeping with boys.  Pedophilia is now being called a ‘sexual orientation’.  Are there no limits.
The skies the ceiling.
Pluto pictures are coming back from NASA’s probe.  The Mars studies continue.  Tesla is said to have communicated with aliens.  The geniuses thought the aliens were friendly, not like our human neighbours.  ISI keeps beheading. Syrian refugees increase.  Boco Harem keeps stealing virgin teen age girls.  China kills more dissidents.  All over Christians are persecuted.  There's a whole lot of really stupid people in the world and the self pity tells me it would be better for me if I didn't know so much. The corruption that perpetuates the insanity en mass is mass manufactured.  It's probably not their fault that they're so stupid.  They probably realized in high school what a racket it was. Better to focus on fast food and fucking that politics and changing the world.  There's more substance in a hamburger from Wendys.
The Canadian elections are coming up and the politicking continues.  So much bombast.  So much deceit.  So many people wanting more taxes and I don’t want to pay for more corruption. All I’ve seen of government is corruption. My 5 years of Downtown Eastside was an incredible drowning in city and provincial corruption.  Now 46 pharmacies and pharmacists have been closed down.  So few arrests.  The weed wacker goes through and the stalks come up again. No one addresses the sources.  NDP corruption is the worst and yet so little of it gets to the media.  The profit is in drugs and guns. Everybody is pushing marijuana. It's at the highest state levels.  
And Troudeau wants more taxes.  I wish they'd drug test politicians and Supreme Court judges like the do athletes.
I loved the surfer who punched the shark while the soccer players get thousands for falling and crying on tv. So much corruption.  No wonder old time ruler cut off hands and penis'.
And Harper is vilified.  Scapegoated for everything. This is an anti father society.  The problem is always the man. Blame it on daddy. But the provinces are in charge of health care and instead of putting their money into health care waste that money on million dollar Supervised Injections Sites building palaces for the drug addict society and claiming that housing is health care while letting contractors steal more millions of government money. Every slum land lord has his hand in the pot. it's a feeding frenzy. And how many millions spent on residential schools and pig farmers and revenge and past redresses while children go hungry and people die today of diseases that could be cured if the talkers and the pontificators and arguers didn't want the lions share of money.
Now in the US there’s more election developments with Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren facing off in the new sports spectacles of democratic shuffles board.  While the Republicans might have someone but so far all I’ve heard is Donald Trump.  It’s a circus.  There seems to be little more than reality tv to all the entertainment called politics especially in the lies of the ecology and the false pretences, with corporations the new medieval lords and the elections relevant only to the vestiges of left over citizen states.
I am grateful for coffee. I’m grateful for cars. I’m grateful for my family. I’m grateful for my friends. Thank you especially for Gilbert. He licked my face this morning. Thank you for the alarm clock in the iPhone. Thank you for the iPhone.  Thank you for this apple computer. Thank you for my fingers. Thank you for my breathing. Thank you for the air. Thank you for my sight. Thank you for my arms and legs. I especially like my asshole. Thank you for the shitting.  I feel sorry for those who bloat and have obstruction. I’m so thankful for a dump. I really appreciate peeing too Lord. Good engineering. I don’t know why there wasn’t a separate function button for these but then you also used my nose for breathing and smelling so I suppose there were some design decisions.  It’s been a pretty good package.  Probably a beta version. I am enjoying the robots themes on tv and realize that this particular human model has gone a hundred thousand years with lmitted glitch fixes.  Certainly the brain has had it’s moments. I’m concerned about my heart. I seem to have less intuitive and compassionate function these days. I’m tired too so thank you for the sleep function but please make the necessary adjustments so that I can awake feeling young.  I’d like that sexual passion function returned. I’m kind of disinterested .  I’m more afraid and I’d like the stupid courage function beefed up.  I am thankful for everything Lord. God is one , three in one, and we are all in God and God is love and God is good so all is love and all is good so thankfully I can surrender to your love and trust and feel less sustained dread.
Thank you for the sunshine. Thank you for the blue sky. Thank you for the work. I like that I have a place to go thats no longer so chaotic and disorganized. Thank you for the sorting out of all the chaos. Thank you for my assistant . Thank you for the movers and workers. Thank you for telecommunications and wifi.
Please heal my family members. Help them in their illness. Heal my patients. Help them in their illness.  Guide me that I might better do thy wil. Help me be a better doctor. Help me to say and do the right thing.  Thank you for the journal articles and the web studies and the conference in Ireland and the coming conference in Virginia. Thank you for my colleagues who I learn so much from and who inspire and sustain me.  Thank you for these years of experience and that the challenges are wholly different than what they once were. What was once a race that seemed a sprint is now a marathon and much beyond. Help me as I travel this new terrain.
Thank you for doctors, nurses, teachers, engineers, bureaucrats, police, lawyer, judges, the military, our leadership, journalists. Thank you for all the guilds and artisans. Thank you for the entertainers, artists and dancers.  Thank you for sobriety, Thank you for spirituality. Thank you for God.
Thank you for the colours Lord.
Thank you for the flowers my brothers photos remind me to see.

Thank you.