Wednesday Mid day Journal

I've made it to work. The drive was fine.  No major traffic problems. No strange obscene extraordinary patient issues greeted me. A day in the life. I'm running on fumes in a way.  Trying to think of all the contingencies that can be considered for me being out of the office a few days.  Disruptions in routine.  Back up of demands.  Worrying I'm missing something. Considering what deadlines are out there. Still training administrative staff. As yet not sure they're on top of things.  They are but they're not communicating what they're doing enough to still my anxieties.  Takes time to trust.  Half my colleagues have stopped hiring staff because of the high cost of turn over.  It wouldn't be the same but the incredibly intrusive high accoutability demanded of physicians in comparison to others is burdensome.  I feel increasingly that we're measured against perfection but we're sent out into the war zone with a broom handle instead of a gun. Meanwhile the smug beaurocratic leadership brag to their superiors of how many cowards they shot in the back each day.

(A text message from staff answers all the unanswered question, my worrying mind moves on looking for other things to latch onto)

And I must pray more. I'm struggling to maintain optimism.  It's a sunny day. Gratitude.  My dog is well. I'm here. I'm about to leave for another clinic.  There's too many moving parts.  I'm just got to do the next right thing.  I'm moving in molasses.  It's a strange week.  One night I woke at 4 am and today I've slept through the night but woke kind of depleted. Dreamed of a bear within easy shooting range. A nice dream but I only had a handgun and left my rifle in the holster of the horse but I'd switched to a harley and didn't have the rifle in a holster but I could walk back and get it. When I returned the bear was still there.  And I was wishing it was a deer.  Aiming and trying to visualized a deer because I like venison more than bear meat.  Then the alarm went off.  The dog had nuzzled me sometime but backed off and the alarm woke me instead.

Now I'd curl up in bed and start over. It's that kind of fetal position foggy head going through the motions kind of day.  Work is good. 

This after noon it's addiction medicine.  Mostly like general practice. Protocol driven.  Not like specialist work with 'why am I still unhappy" and "I know we've tried everything known to man...don't you have anything else....yes,but.."

So I'll be facing the 'you don't care.'  "It's your fault I'm not getting off drugs'.  "You don't have very good bedside manner."  "I'd like a better doctor."  "I want a better medication."  "The government should pay for me to do drugs." "Why are you late." 

I'm raw I guess.  The constant barrage of criticism has got under my skin.  I don't seem to build up character armour fast enough. All the backstabbing of the authorities coupled with the chronic barrage of complaints in front of me and me don't getting any relief.  "I relapsed because ....(chose any number.).

"I'm depressed." 

You're depresed because you're doing crack and crystal meth.

"My other doctors give me valium. I need more oxycontin.  My other doctors gave me oxycontin for 10 years and now they won't see me and you won't help me with my pain.'

They're sometimes from the streets. The worst are wearing three piece suits.  Well dressed, well educated. Same song and dance. Better costumes . Better set.

I'm enjoying watching Halle Berry in Extant - She's incredible.  But the idea of this alien taking over people is like my work.

I talk to people one day and they're reasonable and appropriate and easy to be with then they're relapsing and doing drugs or hung over and drinking more and suddenly they're super sensitive and critical and looking for someone to fight with. It's eggshells and I'm ducking and dodging all the venom and beaurocrats are just begging to tag team into the fight to beat up on the doctor because they hate caregivers, they hate the front line workers and would destroy all the police, doctors and nurses who are seeing people and take their bows because their organizations kept the corrupt system going by throwing another sacrifice to the mass media. 

I'm gathering myself up. I'm preparing to face the music.  I'm probably going to have a great day. Mostly people are fine. It's just the one person that hurts.  One person makes it their mission to really hurt you and the trick is to be bland and vanilla and robotic and not be individual because any individuality will attract attack.  White coat your whole personality. This is the day of corporate automotron.  Fall on your sword.  You've lost millions becasue you had a conscience. You lost millions because you cared for patients. Remenber what the leading beaurocratic doctor told you."Patients are the enemy'.  Always practice 'defensive medicine'.  You went into the wrong field. Like all the engineers, doctors and accountants and other professionals you needed to take a law degree and martial arts courses to prepare for todays workplace. Everybody's wrong when nobody's right.

Egads.

Gratitude. Look for the positive.  Seek the good in the day. Remember the lovely woman with a month off crack. She's no longer prostituting. The young man is a year off pot. But the government is pushing pot so every person you got off pot is now going to be joined by dozens more on pot so that some politicians and their aids can get rich.  Get your head down. Think of the person in front of you. Forget the big picture.  Be an army doctor. Heal the patient with the gut wound. Stop the bleeding. Don't ever question the killing. Don't ever say, 'don't you think they should be given body armour.' 
Don't be silly.

HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Have some lunch.  Walk the dog. Get a move on. Stop procrastinating.  Get onto the next thing. Don't be sitting at the computer vomitting your brain into the abyss.  Be positive. Do something creative. Be thankful for the car you're driving. Be thankful for the clean shirt you're wearing. 

Pick up the phone and connect. Make that 'cold' car.  Stop procrastinating. All shall be well. Pray. Ask God to get you through the next minute, hour day.  Get on with it.  It was iffy this morning and here it's already noon.  You're progressing. You can always do far more than you think you can. Just do it. Stop thinking about things. Do things.  Get out of your mind. If you talk the talk, walk the walk. Just do it.  Yes now.  Move. 

Thank you Jesus.  Thank you.