Journal - rainy Sunday in oct

I admire those who made it to church this morning.  I stayed up late watching an Alaska csonvict escape series with CIA, ski doos and dog sleds.  I’ve also been reading Final Orbiter by Chris Hatfield.  I woke late and had a nightmare that I’d been drinking and was apologizing to friends and family for rude and mean things I’d said. It was a relief to realize I’d not been drinking.  Twenty eight years sober.  I’m not drawn to drink but I do fantasize about illicit sex.  I’m apparently typical of executive men would for years have been in charge and now would like a night of submissive sex.  I resist temptation wondering how quickly a fantasy would become an addiction,  I know I suffer from ‘more’.  If this much ice cream tastes good why not finish the container.  

I thought of fasting this morning, It’s apparently a major healing and cancer cure and prevention. 

I woke late.  I woke early in the dark and went back to sleep and wake again in the light.

The visit to Dr. Ready the Chiropracter gave me a whole day free from pain. I did appreciate that.  Saturday was driving about doing errands.  I picked up my new Traveller guitar.  I have some Christian songbooks and enjoyed playing Blessed Assurance I first heard played by Third Day. The postal strike continues to delay my packages from Amazon.  I enjoyed getting some sweat pants from Epic Men’s ware in the Mall. I picked up Nioxin hair saving shampoo at Chatterers.  I saw a picture of me from a few years ago and my hair was less and thinner. I made an apt with Shirin at Chatters. She introduced me to the shampoo and has been colouring and cutting my hair for some years now.  I am not going gentle into that still night but raging. I tell her when I see her she needs to give me a face lift to go with the full bodied youthful hair she leaves me with.

I had Madigan along with me.  A good companion .  He enjoyed the walk in MEC where I bought new Texas.

I did all these secular things maintaining work and finishing the consultant report I’d done on Friday.  I even used my SRFax for the first time and will follow up on how well it works.  

It was raining heavy all day.

This morning it was raining heavy too.  I was going to go to church but then I convinced myself I need to pray and meditate instead and have coffee and now Journal.  The key thought was that Madigan is going to be groomed this week but now is a fluffy teddy bear everyone is cooing and cawing over, like the Long and McQuade girls and guys .  I towel him off when he comes in from a walk. It’s one of his enjoying events and he waits for me. Just like his little game jumping over my legs when I finish my meditation and do stretches. I just thought I’d not want him wet in church and next week I can go,.

I thought of coffee when I was praying.  I’m drinking the coffee and have a Banana and yogurt.  It’s a slow morning now.  

I have to take my frozen rabbit and partridge to Laura’s . She agreed to let me put them in her fridge. It’s just the drive.  Merry maids are coming tomorrow and the freezer can be cleaned and defrosted. At Traveland for the maintenance day they ask that refrigerate be emptied so they don’t have to plug it in.  I walked Madigan with Peter and Bells and Luka and he told me they go for a day and just asks that the friedge stay plugged in .  My freezer really needed defrosting.  

Now I’m supposed to be a spiritual being in a material journey. I’m practicing Brother Lawrence ‘presence’ which Elkhart Tolled, Power of Now, has a workshop on.  I like Elkhart Tolle not just because George liked his power of now and despite Willie thinking any not directly biblical evangelical spirituality is suspect.  I’ve been Reading Mercer Eliade since my Oxford course on Ritual and religion in Neolithic times.  This is all the ‘shaman’ hsiory which Joseph Campbell’s book also talks about. I’ve been making my way through the audio book Primitive Mythology.

I’m anxious thinking of the freedom of neopagan and the safety that Christianity brought.  The weakness of the Druids was their continuation of child sacrifice the very thing Leonard Cohen’s song of Issac .  I learned this as sang this in my 20’s.  Only later did I learn that this was pivotal to Christianity and its advance of civilization.  The blood cults of the pagan priests had this.  Interesting the remains of bogs suggest that the Druid sacrifice of adults was a voluntary event like the Buddhist self immolation, the best known Thic Quang Duc who self immolated in the 1963 in the Vietnam war. But child sacrifice as with other pagans.  Today we have mass abortion so much a part of the aetheist communist religion.  I wonder if Leonard Cohen cry ‘you who sacrifice children, do not do that anymore.’

Yet we don’t feel so badly if the child has Downs or any of those autistic traits etc which our forebears associated with ‘gifted news’.  The shaman was also selected for abnormality, seizures, some weakness.  Alternatively the disabled child was killed for the group to survive.  The Inuit old left the igloo in the night to save the family by creating one less mouth to feed.

I’m alive today. Thank you God for this. I think of sexual orgies or gastronomic orgies, no longer drugs and alcohol, but other ‘sensationalist’ ‘entertainment’s.  AA is a stoical but I hear of women increasingly who were promiscuous as me and are as promiscuous or seek pleasure in lust as others seek pleasure in gluttony.  We have an epidemic of obesity but the Polly armory crowd if they avoid infectious diseases and we have increasing treatment and prevention get exercise and socialization,.

I just learned from a scholar in the psychology department of Trinity Western. 3 % of people have severe social anxiety and loneliness and more than 10% suffer loneliness. I felt ‘lonely’ after a couple of months in the south. I love the weather but eventually feel my life is here and the vacation world seems to lose appeal by 3 months.  I’m hoping to do better this year. I’d like to write books and be productive more than with just my virtual work. I do enjoy the world and with time this world and that becomes the same,

I am aging and feel increasingly that I’m more and more invisible with the ageism of our society.  I like being the younger person in the old crowd at the hot springs.

I do enjoy my virtual meetings and my life and routine give me the 4 walls of the I’m just a bar tender song.  We create our safe places

.  I established routine and then war against it.  

Right now I’m very grateful for the world I have . I enjoy this living space and felt constricted in my camper which was pretty good. I lived in the little space of my yacht which is closer to this than it was to the camper.  I liked my Keystone RV for space but I never did take it out on my own fearing the towing and size.  I’ve driven this more in months than I did thee RV in years.  The camper has had its use but it’s needed repeated repairs mostly because the Adventurers are a cheap brand,  In retrospect it would have been worth it to get a better quality camper like the Bigfoot and saved money in the end.  This Thor is made good by the support of Traveland.  I’m having a maintenance apt this week.  Coastal Ford has provided me piece of mind by ongoing maintenance and prevention of my ford 350 which has been a success.

Now here I am supposedly thinking of God and spirituality and my mind goes to another coffee and walking the dog. The rain has let up so that’s a good idea, I worry about his pooping since his butt hair caught the poop and we had the whole nightmare of him needing to have me clean his putt nad cut some hair and him being terrified but needing that done.  With grooming I’ll get 4 months of reprieve from Madigan and his butt anxiety. 

He’s loyal and adores me but I feel guilty I don’t play with him enough though he’s will me most of the time. We spent hours throwing ball with Stewart and I did a lot of training with Shinto.  Madigan is with me and he likes that a lot.  I think of parents with their kids in the car and that’s us. 

Walk time. I’ll talk to God while I do that .  Thank you God for this day. Thank you that I’ve been able to spend the time hunting, making the change over from one clinic to the next, kept the Thor going, paying taxes and rent.  I seem to be sneaking through this year with no abundance or savings but I’m managing. I’m getting by and that seems success when I consider so many struggling with the treasonous management of the economy.  So much government interference and cost. It’s a weakness of mine to think like this.  I’ve so much to be thankful for and yet I have a judgemental critical mind that often goes off into sloth envy anger and sins so easily.  Please God help me focus on you and serve you and do your will.  

Thank you Jesus.