Journal - Wednesday, Dog grooming

I’m grateful for today. I woke to Holy holy holy . I moved my alarm forward and programmed praise to to begin my day. I am grateful.  I woke at 430 and then I had some Red Bull yesterday afternoon so hard to fall asleep then waking in the night.  Dreams fine but wakening realize Madigan needs to be taken in for grooming visit so all the anxiety and flashbacks.  This week it’s been reflections on the extreme pain of Gilbert when hiss glaucoma first appeared.  The young vet who’s now at the clinic missed the diagnosis and made Gilbert wait for 3 hours in pain. The vet ophthalmologist later said the delay in treatment contributed to his earlier onset of blindness. HE had his eyes removed and I felt guilty I didn’t make a fuss in the emergency room and let the receptions and the young vet tell me to wait.  

I have such a fast lane neurotransmitter track to self pity. I’ve also got resentment and anger.

These days I’ve felt on the verge. The closing of the clinic and the transfer of files and now the lack of easy access to records because of the EMR.  I’m always working on the edge, like trying to do surgery with the government rationing light.  

Then notice of more government oversight and control and beaurocrat dominance of health care with the greater potential for politicization and corruption. Meanwhile the whole government economic policy and the climate change scam and mass migration just means more stress and cost. I manage but everyone I see seems to be struggling more.  

The hospital delays have my patients rightfully outraged. They’ve paid taxes for health care and they’re dying in the waitlists.  Several now waiting for surgery.  Meanwhile migrants demanding health care but they haven’t contributed to the collective process here and our last PM called himself a Transnational had seems to have not had an orchiectomy but a brainectomy.  The new PM seems to be costing the country money and I’m upset at the inflation and cost of groceries.

Poor me is the halcyon cry of the addict and resentment is the principle cause of relapse. I am thankful I’m sober and a member of AA. I don’t feel centered. I imagine it could be because I’m in this body enjoying sensations and not being stoic and otherworldly.  I think of myself on a spiritual journey.  I wonder about taking hormones. My physical sensations increased with more breast sensations but my penis seemed to get smaller. As it is I’ve an erection on wakening but it doesn’t sustain and my back pain occurs if I’m on top. So sexually I can be a bottom submissive or give and get oral sex but the idea of the young man who used to have hard erections and pound women I held up against walls isn’t likely,

I was much better hunting this year able to walk in the woods on uneven ground and climb up and down hills without falling. I wasn’t stable.  

Pain is that which you can say in no other way. 

My disability is improving with exercise. I’ve actually doing the foundation training exercise each morning now for 5 or 10 minute at most and it’s supposed to be 15 minutes. I’m supposed to be fasting at least once a week over night and all day and as well I’m supposed to be walking 10,0000 steps and I was at 6000 but I’m back to 4000 with the rain. I’m depressed with the cold and rain and longing to be at Fountain of youth hot springs. I was there two weeks last year and my back and body pain was relieved. 

Yesterday a driver honked at me as he was trying to come out the gas station exit in the entrance lane. It was a close call but the honk and arrogance and false accusation got me as much as the near collision he nearly caused. I was coming off the highway and turned into the station but the honk got me.  It brought back the false allegations , the doctor who killed the patient and tried to blame it on me and were it not for my responsding to the distrust and copying the file I’d have been blamed. As it was I was blamed in a peculiar way as there was thos idea that the junior man should fall on his sword.  It’s like defending oneself is frowned on in Canada and the failure of the law and order system and government is blamed on the victim of conflict.  

I have these memories come as intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. I push them down and thought block them with an attitude of gratitude but I had a drinking dream last week. Not really,  I was apologizing for rudeness on a Friday night drinking on a Saturday morning when I realized in my dream I hadn’t drunk in 28 years and that I was no longer drinking. It did 

remind me of the arguments that occurred when we were drinking. I usd to think we were being ‘truthful’ then and that what my ex said when she was drunk was the truth but now I know it’s just unfiltered base savage talk.  The truth isn’t what comes out drinking but rather that’s the most basic.  It’s the ‘Id’ talking or the ‘bad child’ within.  What is truth is constant behaviour.

I have been betrayed too. My partners have cuckolded me and I carry the scars of believing women when they were lying and cheating and never apologized.  Then I think it’s my own projection because I’ve certainly thoughts of sleeping with another when I was with someone.  

It’s all about wrestling with God. I love Buber I and Thou. The relationship within is myself and my higher self. I pray and talk with God and listen in meditation. I wish to know ‘thy’ will and I want the ‘power to carry it out’.

I love the one day at a time and the being present.  These past memories as mental misfiring because I’m wanting to have my mind in the present,.  

Today I’m taking Madigan to the vet. I’m then working all day. Then it’s the men’s meeting tonight. I’m thankful for that.

I know that worrying is wicked and it’s praying for negative. I have to think like Monty Python’s men being crucified singing ‘always look on the bright side of life.”

I love Norman Cousins and humor therapy,.

My friends is having bowel problems I have three male friends all who are wealthy and judgemental and religious who all have intestinal issues. Irritable bowl syndrome. They experienced their anxiety in their bowels as I experience my anxiety in many back,

I need to trust God more and have greater faith and surrender. My position has been over run. I’m insensitive to my friend knowing their focuse and the physical and looking at the physical is not where the solution is.  Mine is with God.  Our conversation , the reality for existence. I’m here for a purpose and reason I”m not sure of and my relationship with God is central. Like Jacob I’m wrestling with God and in the morning may be called Israel whatever that is.

The war continues though there are peace talks and hostages greturned.  I don’t want the Canadian PM to be pro hammas and anti Israel.  I don’t like this > I don’t like the Canadian China movement and greater authoritarianism and collectivism and communism.  I have this continuing fear of authority which is fear of God fundamentally.  

Thank you Jesus for another day,  Please care for my family friends and patients nd keep them safe today,  Watch over Madigan and help him with his grooming .Still his fear and comfort him this morning, Thank you for Adell and Laura and madigan.  Thank you for their well wishes . Help Graeme with his cold. Watch over Pepper.  Thank you for Peter and bell and Luka and Larry. Thank you for Mack and Ernest and Nicholina,  Thabnk you for Kim and this place. Thank you for my Thor which is going in for maintenance this week. Thank you for George and Marty and Dean and FRank and Jack and Neil and Mario an all the other guys, Thank you for my mentors and teachers and all my relationship