Journal

All is well. I’m actually enjoying life and am very grateful. I’ve peace of mind and trust in God.  I continue to muddle along in uncertainty but there’s no chaos or impending doom or imminent threats. I don’t feel like I did at times in the past. I have moments and event occasional difficult days but I have more hope. I don’t feel like I’m struggling so much. I really am trudging the road of happy destiny.  

I feel grateful for the people in my life, for Madigan, for work and the basics Maslow talks about in his pyramid, hierarchy of needs.

My mood fluctuates with my immediate financial situation.  I like to be able to pay taxes and have my credit cards and finances in order with input and output matching. I was disappointed in the cost of my camper repairs and the cost of a spring hunting trip.  The damage wasn’t all done this year but the repairs were $12000 and I wondered about the camper. I had the same feeling about the boat before I sold it.  The cost was more than the pleasure.  Repairs and maintenance on things has me remembering how I enjoyed life studying living across from the university, enjoying my apartment and the library. I had a bicycle back then. 

Now I have an F350 truck, a Mini Cooper, a Harley Nightstr Special, a Honda Tracker quad and now a Vespa GT Super tech 300.  I’ve a large RV and a Camper. I have a storage locker and stuff.  I’m outfitted for hunting.  I’m outfitted for travel.  I have a home office. I really am in limbo though.. I had thought when Ron was sick I’d move to Ontario. I also had the opportunity to work in Calgary.  All seemed likely then but Covid hit, I acquired a Starlink dish and began to work virtual from home. I’ve made two trips to Yuma in winter for a few months,  I enjoy working 4 days a week and only going to the clinics a half day a week.  I’ve Madigan as a companion and he’s slowly developing a brain so he’s less a rascal. I love him,  

I really like my neighbours. I really like the people I work with. I love Laura. She’s been my friend for decades now.  My family is great.  My sister in law Adell is truly amazing and I like the nephews , their wives and children.  I feel guilty that I’ve not made a trip to see them.  A New Year’s resolution.  I love the god children and god family. I like my church.

I was so happy to submit an essay again after reaching out for help from colleagues to complete the work.  It’s an arbitrary load I took on that was  attracting my attention in a peculiar way.  

Too many friends and family have died. I’ve been grieving since before Covid.  Hank, Scotty, Bernie, Ron, George, Vivian. Don and more.  A few short years. Not so long ago Mom and Dad died too. I m older and the wedding announcement season has become the  obituary season. Meanwhile I’ve muddled along doing the next right thing.  Mostly I’ve been really focused on living one day at a time.  

I’ve attended my home group weekly, make it to church once or twice a month and do a couple of on line meetings a week.  The summer was good.

I loved buying the new Vespa and putting the relatively new Harley Davidson Nightster Special in Storage.  Locally they said only one motorcycle and in the city the Vespa reigned.  In a week and a bit I’m getting the rack and box installed. It’s lighter than the Harley by a hundred pounds or so , so should be easier to get on and off the trucks front rack.  I’m thinking this trip down south  I’ll maybe even boon dock some. I’m hoping to stay in LA and maybe in Rosario Mexico.  The Harley was heavy and once I’d unloaded it in Yuma it was fine for a couple of month but I resisted taking it off and on.  I will fine that I don’t have that resistance with the Vespa,  Even now I don’t mind riding it in the city. I rode it at night in the city too. With the harley I felt at more risk more under attack.  On the scooter I’m sitting up and it’s automatic transmission and the other drivers don’t seem aggressive. I feel I could wear a skirt on the Vespa but not the Harley..

I stopped and spoke with a patient whose been calling and their despair and anger and fear and so much of what is associated with early recovery emotionally was broadcast at the nervous system level.I realized when I got off the phone that I’m daily faced with what I ‘ve called in the past ‘loudness’, the emotional turmoil.  Some even call it ‘soul sucking’ theatre horrible neediness. Most people spend the least amount of time with such emotionally raw people.. Those in recovery are ‘depressed’ and ‘anxious’ but the tone is always ‘angry and blaming’.  It’s the same distinction for unipolar depression and bipolar depression, that sadness of one and the  angry fearful edge of the other. I’m upset now.  I was so serene before,  after myself being in my own meeting and visiting with friends and having a good sunday escape.

I talked with my retired colleague and he said how relaxed and serene he was when he didn’t go into the office and face the administration and patients. The Adminisistration is so autorcratic and ignorant of their anger themselves. 

I ‘m fatigued now.  Worn down.  It’s my day off yet I answer these calls and  normally pick the time I call but this weekend I’ve let people access me directly because they’ve been leaving messages and when I call them I can’t reach them.  Anyway I’m roasting coffee beans.  All roasted. Terrific fresh roasted Ethiopian coffee been fragrance.

Just had a wonderful visit from Dave.  He’s taking my 2000 generator for the old 1000.  Now I’ve the 3200 I don’t need the 2000 but it’s too big to store while  the  1000 is small easy to keep for emergency.  He’s said he’d take Madigan if Laura and I travelled. We’d trust him with Madigan, his friend. Dave cared for his dog Emory for 18 years.  He ‘s a really good guy.  Lovely people,

Now it’s been a full fall. Laura and I did the Thanksgiving Hunt driving up to Cache Creed spending a night in Canyon Alpine RV park one night then a few nights in Willow RV park outside Clinton. I rode the Honda Tracker looking for a place legal for ATV but not finding one so hiking in and sat in ambush dusk and dawn not seeing anything but getting exercise. We loved the site.  Beautiful place but found the remote for the Happy Jacks not working. Rest of trip I had to do manual wrenching of the jacks up and down.  

We drove the day we left Willow to Beaver dam campsite on Meadow Road.Now we set up off grid for the week. I had the Honda 2000 generator providing electricity for Starlink and the electric appliances. I love my expresso coffee maker.. I have a stove top maker but really like the electric one. I unloaded the Honda Tracker ATV.  Laura stayed in the camper and read.  Madigan and I each day headed out on the ATV exploring. I shot 5 grouse that week. I saw three times as many. Madigan fetched each one I shot.  So cute waddling back with a grouse in his mouth.  

We had propane for heat and stove and hot water. We had lots of propane, having only used one tank off grid for a week. I had lots of gas   I only used a couple of 5 gallons taken for the generator and ATV. I had at least another 2 five gallon jugs when we left. I worried about water as that’s gone in the past but Laura was really good rationing. Songs bathing. Little dish washing. Paper plates.  We actually had 2 five gallons jugs for water left.

It began to snow on Friday. I’d not seen deer or moose and the grouse don’t come out when it’s raining or snowing. I was tired of the routine and don’t like snow. Too many life memories of blizzards, sliding off roads and equipment damage..  I packed up. It only takes at most an hour. We had the cows that hung out around us visit us to watch us off.  Then we were carefully driving on the wet logging road with an inch of wet snow on top.  4x4 and soon we were on the highway which was just wet.  Thank God. 

South of Clinton we were out of the snow and drove past Boston Bar down to the warmth of Hope staying in the Native campgrounds for the night.

Our fun with Starlink was Lincoln Lawyer. At night after dinner, I barbecued steak and pork and sausages with boiled potatoes and peas each night, we’d watch this series we’d both enjoyed. We had ice cream too.  It was cozy and fun and Madigan loved being a part of the evening.

I unloaded the trailer at Johns and brought the camper and truck back here where we I unloaded it. We spent a couple of lazy days before Laura drove home and we both got back to work. Kelvin from Travco came and picked up the truck and camper to fix the Happy Jack problem , likely needs a new remote.  He’ll have it back next week and I’ll store it at John’s until I leave for the south end of December

Laura and I both had our vaccines this week, She’s now got a doctor since her visit to ER for her excessive period.  She was reassured but had tests and is a bit anxious. I’d be but I’m more of a hypochondriac and catastrophise.  That last episode of the flu or Covid in Delhi when I couldn’t breath and felt like I was suffocating and likely had Covid did scare me.  We’re getting older and friends are dying so there’s a wariness.  We both are thankful for our mobility and health.  Laura is better and the rest in the woods was good. She was cleared to go with me.  I think the nights of steak helped too.

I have Symphony tickets and Friday we attended the Litz and Brahms concert with the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra at the Orpheum.  I’d spent the day working on the essay and sent it off submitting it and then rushing to pick up Laura downtown off Davie street.  We arrived 10 minutes late but felt good just for both of us to make it.  I really liked the Lietz . The Brahms which I’d thought of as slow and had me worried about being sleepy turned out to be heavy metal with brads and drums and no lullaby. We had dress seats on lower right balcony.  We were awake and enjoyed the evening. 

Driving at night is increasingly difficult.  Laura says she simply can’t .  I find it stressful with the pedestrians on Davie jumping out on the street out of nowhere.  A stressful experience but the whole night was worth it.  I dropped Laura at home so it really was a date night.  Next week she’s going to spend the weekend here as we have an Opera to attend. What fun.  She really is beautiful and such a good campanion. I  miss her when I go south but after a while Madigan and I get into our old bachelor routine.  We survive but I really feel the need for the sun and am anxious about getting pneumonia, despite it being called the old man’s friend.

I’m content for the first time in a long time it seems,  I really have a good life with so much to be grateful for.  God is good all the time. The salmon are having their spawning run now. I was able to take pictures with Madigan at the Brunette River.

I even had a pedicure yesterday after upgrading the Honda generator from 2000 to 3200.  My infuser had died and I have several oils so I bought a new one and have enjoyed the scent of Tantra  and the roasted coffee beans smell. I like the eucalyptus too. 

Just phoned Laura and had a lovely conversation so I’m back on track. Making another coffee and then I’ll make a sandwich and maybe walk Madigan. I’m reading the latest Reacher after months of reading scientific books and history and art and anthropology.  I’m glad for the simple Reacher. On tv I like Gibbs and McGee and Ducky and have enjoyed the relaxing routine of watching an NCIS episode before bed.  Routines.

I pray every day. I’m really blessed and thankful.  Thank you Jesus. 

Thanksgiving Long Weekend, Boston Bar, Clinton

Laura arrived at 9 am. I’d already packed the truck and left home with the water off and heat turned low. I prayed the plants survived. She had had a week of ill health with worry. Her brother in law John had had a heart attack and had been medivacked from his work on Queen Charlottes.  A whole lot of stress. She’d been declared okay by the doctor and well enough to travel with me. 

I’ve just been overwhelmed a bit at work.  The lack of support,  the constant government lies, and outrageous rise in cost of living, and so many patients suffering the corruption and incompetence in administration.  The highest office in the land doesn’t even care when Hammas and Hezbollah Terrorists and illegal migrants burn the Canadian flag in Vancouver shouting Death to Canada.  I have difficulty getting out of bed and reassuring people.

Yet I carry on and was really looking forward to this break.  Yet I am physically less capable of the labour involved in hunting. I’d also done damage on the spring hunt towing the quad and paid $15,000 in camper repairs.  I love my camper but I’m just not sure about hunting.  

I find myself thinking that the greatest joy I’ve had in the last couple of years has been visiting churches, museums and art galleries. I like siting in coffee shops and writing. I really want to work on the books I have in progress. I have thoroughly loved listening to the most amazing audio books walking the dog. I love that I’ve been able to buy a Vespa.

I bought the new Vespa GT Super tech 300 at Vespa Metro and left my Harley Nightster Special there for winter storage.  I’m only allowed one vehicle at my site.  The Vespa is ideal for the city and winter. It’s also a hundred pounds lighter so will be that much better when I drive south this year.

I’m planning on heading south for a couple of months again to avoid flu and Covid season anxious for my lungs having acquired TB working as a fly in doctor in the north. I had a year of treatment in the US and no doubt that contributed to my deafness. I spent $8000 on hearing aids.

  

I never expected to live this long. I have no pension, no health care but  I’m here and I am hunting older than my father and hunting friends.

The BC Election is happening this week.  I’ve liked the NDP but normally am voting conservative yet I don’t know Rustad so I’m just confused.  Federally it’s no contest.  Trudeau is the devil incarnate and Pierre Poirve is a good guy.  Locally Eby seems okay and I’d tend to vote NDP but I’m not happy with elections and the communist chinese influence. I’m not happy with Vancouver and BC politics just the cost of living and chaos and corruption.  

I keep thinking I’m past retirement age but couldn’t retire and maintain this year with the costs without working. I enjoy working. I’ve no reason not to. Nothing better to do really. Yet the government just punishes the working class good citizens.  Maybe if I wasn’t such a good boy I could turn my attention to avoiding taxes.  I feel paying taxes is going to the devil.  Trudeau is so evil.  We’re paying so much to debt he’s created by corruption and incompetence.  I am confused.  On bad days I feel like all the patients who tell me they wake up and can’t get out of bed .  I wake up and pray.

Without prayer I couldn’t go on. I’m not happy joyous and free some days..  The cloudy weather doesn’t help. I’m happy in the sun and really do have moments of joy reading, writing, riding the Vespa, walking Madigan. I like my men’s meeting and my on line meetings. Still I feel outside and alien at times.

My friend Willie Gutowski and Anita are having their 60th year anniversary.   Was invited by Sandy but Thanksgiving is a hunting weekend.  I’ve often been successful and then enjoy barbecues.  Recently I’ve shot grouse and have to be thankful.  It’s been since before Covid that I shot a deer.  It was the slip on Author’s seat Edinburgh that did my back in. Chronic pain is debilitating but its all mostly ‘mental’.  I’m so prone on self pity so am constantly blocking that with ‘all shall be well’.  I’m really grateful that I m able to walk

Laura is half blind and doesn’t see well in the dark.  She gets anxious . We’d planned to go from John’s where I picked up the Camper and quad to Cache Creek.  Kevin and his older kids are hunting there.  It was 4 when we checked in at Boston Bar.  I was tired with the drive.  I like the Canyon Alpine RV park. The host is a dog lover and gives out treats that Madigan loves.  I’d set up the camper and walked Madigan.  Laura and I had noodle soup and sandwiches then ice cream cones that Madigan had a bit of.  He loves ice cream.  

I like sleeping at Canyon alpine RV. It’ s a cathedral of trees and so calming. I’m having great dreams.  Big meeting in the sky dreams and friends in the Greek island White Houses scenario.  I feel loved and a part of .  

We woke and had coffee and headed on.  At Spence’s Bridge I stopped in the great little cafe there for a coffee to go and peanut and coconut cookies. I’ve a lidded mug for me and one for Laura.  Madigan can’t spill them with all his fussing and jumping about. He wants to hump Laura.  I’m shouting at him to stop. It’s that kind of drive. Laura’s worried about something next week but she’s unwinding.  The scenery is beautiful

We stopped in Cache Creek for groceries.  I love that the refrigerator is working and we have propane and water and gas. If we had to without any discomfort we could live off the grid for a week. I like wifi and electricity and all the luxuries of RV resort experience.  I’m just not into roughing it any more. I even think of buying another house (down payment) and settling down. I think of going to the country or Alberta. So many friends have left Vancouver and the housing costs just seem to be getting higher with all the speculation corruption and elite immigration. The middle class is being pushed out.  I’m middle classs and without a pension don’t know what I’d do. I don’t think about it much knowing that God has a plan and I’ve been reasonable and responsible but the repairs wiped out the gain of selling my boat though at least I no longer have any ongoing costs.

I’m pretty blessed

Despite inputting the Cache Creek RV Park into the Truck GPS map system we couldn’t see it. We’ passed it and the message was to proceed and turn back.  We we’re 20 km from Clinton which we knew and I was tired .  So we drove to Willow Spring. I’d hoped to drive the quad to hunting but though there’s a trail it turns out that this year ATV hunting is not allowed in this section,  More rules and regs.  

I have an essay I’m completing on prehistory art and shamanism. I’ve read countless books and listened to as many audiobooks.  It’s due in a couple of weeks. I’ve a trial I have to attend to. We really like it here. I drove the quad down the road looking for a road on the other side which would allow me to hunt with the quad.  Madigan loved the adventure. It turned  out there were signs up over there as well.  No hunting with ATV.  This place is closed on Tuesday which is typical of a number of RV places as the freezing starts then.  I didn’t want to unload the Camper for a couple of days, We move out on Tuesday morning.  We’ve still got a week more.  

Last night we had hot dogs and potato salad

This morning I was up before dawn and hiked up the mountain with Madigan. I’m out of shape.  It was hard going and at the top of the hill I lay down and waited for a deer to pass. No luck Walking back down around 9 am my legs were shaking. Don’t know if it was my back or knees but it was the weirdest weakest walk I’ve known.  I was glad to get down. Now my legs are tired but I’m going to walk out to sit for a bit watching the mountain to see if a deer comes down to the water.  I really like the exercise.  I used to walk all over the mountains before covid and now I’m too fat and all iv’e been doing to riding machine and walking the dog. This is good for me if it does’t kill me.  

Time to go.  Life in the fast lane.  God is good all of the time. I really enjoyed studying Cave paintings and shamanism and then reading a Christian legal novel. I’ll walk over to do my due diligence but will be glad to be back home barbecuing the steak I put out for tonight.

Laura is good company and having a relaxing time reading.

I had a great shower this afternoon. Luxury.  I love camping.  

Thank you Jesus.  

 

  

3 am, character defects, nightmares, Vespa, WW3

I awoke last night at 3 am also. This time it was a dream of an ex wife refusing to get medical help. I remember my first death. He’d refused to take the medicine doctors prescribed.  He lied.  He died.  She refused to get medical help and I had to live with her knowing i could treat her.  But it had nothing to do with the illness.  Just more passive aggressive stuff. 

“I can treat a hundred people at the office or I can treat you. I can’t do both.”  

Virginia Satir called it ‘crazy making’.

I specialized in addiction medicine because it was the worst of the insanities. Ultimate non compliance and non adherence to medical regimen.  There are always a thousand excuses and it’s always aggression with a smile. I really want to get better they say but I want you to do it not me. I want a teleportation machine. I want a magic pill.  Are your fucking legs broken I say.

The ‘helper’ tried to pressure me today to give drugs to the addict. I’m the bad guy.  The proxy war. The pharmacist got in on it He make money if I give in.  I have been back stabbed repaeatedly by the authorities who say do the right thing then cave themselves and scapegoat you.  Two faced sociopaths.  

I’m caught truggling with character defects.  

Anger - I’m furious to be in the same relationship crisis as divorces ago and realize I don’t have control.  It’s her and not me.  She doesn’t care. She’s the addict. She’s self centred.  She’s hostile and angry and afraid.  But I can’t go to work all day and come home to the I can’t see a doctor. You’re a doctor.  I never asked you to help.  No you just bled in the bed and shit in the bed and pissed in the bed.  

I was so thankful about heard.  They’re so pretty.  They can’t be bad.  Men are bad. Women are good. Men are victimizers.  Women are victim.  Don’t you love your mother.  You don’t even know if that’s your father. But the courts deny you DNA tests. There’s a law for the rich and the powerful and a law for you.

I’m powerless

I listened to a friend talk about not being in control and how that usd to cause hr to drink.  

I was future zooming to.  Fear.  Living out scenario’s in my mind. 3 am.  A nightmare of an old marriage.  I can’t be your doctor. She had addiction,  Cocaine addiction.  I liked that about her when I met her.  

She was a princess and I liked being a shiny knight,

The children didn’t come and she took to wearing diapers in the house and talking with the baby voice.  She didn’t want children just for me to be her sugar daddy.

I woke at 3 am and felt trapped. The panic. The inability to breath. The feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack and letting it go because it’s not now. It’s then. The past is triggered and I’m just insane. I crawled out of the abyss.  I paid a lot for these late days of peace.  

Character defects.  

Envy - the affectations on face book. I am happy for them. I see them doing things I did before the age of selfies.  I remember the trips and journeys and rewards.  But that was then and this is now.   I had my time in the sun and now I’m really having a good time except for my mind which compares my insides wit their outsides.  I’m really thankful for my life. It’s a good life. I’m blessed beyond my wildest dreams.  I’ have so much.  I look though at the one thing I don’t have and forget about all I do. It’s the cognitive distortion of the one drop of ink in the glass of wart. It’s 3 am and I’m woken by a nightmare of a time in a marriage when she wanted me to rescue her from herself and said she really didn’t want my help but lay there bleeding.  I sent her off to a treatment centre but she didn’t arrive.  Denial.  I did the whole thing but they couldn’t help me help her and they thought they were so good.  I’m not the problem.  I’m not in control. I can’t control. 

I walk away.  At 3 am I wanted to leave. I wanted to take any one of my escape pods and flee. Cappadocia. Meteora.  The wilderness. The sea. I’ve studied them all.  I must let go and let God.

There are no children.  There’s a dog.  I have freedom and no real obligation.

Iran has attacked Israel.  Israel is prepared to attack.  Russia has moved forward in Ukraine.  Iran is the ally of China.  Nuclear war.  War and rumors of war.

The American election is weeks off.  There’s so much corruption and lies and communism and sharia.  Hundreds of Christian churches have been burned to the ground but no mosques or temples or synagogues.  

Character defects

Self pity - poor me 

I struggle to maintain an ‘attitude of gratidude’ but there’s this curse in my mind which takes me down.  I spiral.  Looking at the negative. Adding them and piling them and soon a litany of horror, the weight of the world

I’m powerless.  I’m not in control. 

Live and let live.  

She wanted her cocaine.  She wanted her addiction.  She wanted her mausoleum.

I wanted freedom. I always vote freedom.  Scots war have where Wallace lead.  Down with tyranny.  I’ll not be a slave.  My mother and father had my brother. My mother wanted a daughter.  She had me.  My dad had his son. I was the sensitive one.  

Today I want to write. I want to drink coffee in cafes and face the mysteries. I’ve been the manly man. I’ve done the heavy lifting. I’ve faced the tyranny and saved countess lives. But there’s no appreciation in home. Even Jesus wasn’t blessed at home. Taken for granted. Poor me.  My father My father why hasn’t thou forsaken me

And we all go to heaven when the curtain closes

I’ m reading obituaries.  Friends are disappearing.

Character defects

Lust

I was a celibate monk when I was young.  I was a nun in marriage months at a time when they would be depressed arguing with their mothers and I’d be left out in the dark. No children. Just a lone.  I needed four wives or a new religion.  She wan’t there for sex and yet if I had sex outside the sexless marriage I would lose all.  We become sexually immune. The Eunuch’s of Canada. All the married men who are ‘rationed’.  The Feminist love the Moslems and hate the Christians. Maybe if there were children it would make sense.  Sacrifice for family and children. But she’s taken jobs and competing and demanding to be treated like a princess but won’t be a queen. I don’t want to return to celibacy in old age but she’s had it with intimacy and sex.  She never really cared for it.  Wanted a bad boy. They go with the bad boys and destroy .  They hate us good boys.  They say otherwise but at the end of the day Jesus died on the crosss. The women weep. The men die.  Now there’s war in the Middle East. What ‘s new.  

Character defects 

Sloth

I’m so tired at times. I never knew such fatigue.  The chronic pain wears me down. The chronic uncertainty of knife stabbing pain. A sneeze , a sudden move, sitting too long.  A fear of death. A focus on dying A denia.  Sloth.  All is not. I’m comfortable on the couch. . I understand those who don’t get out of bed. More and more they cone to me.  Depression.  I walk the dog The dog is my saviour.  My bladder gets me up.  I’m uplifted by a need to pee.

I love late night peanut butter sandwich’s.  The nights between delivering babies or surgery.  The days and nights without sleep.  Nodding off standing.  

I suffer sloth

Character  defects

Gluttony. - the sins are the character defects. The rocks we hold onto.  I’m avoid metabolic failure. The inflammation is a product of the sloth and gluttony. Fat. Diabetes II.  Pre diabetes. Inflammation.  

Depression

I’m alone. I’m powrrless. I could not levitate. I could not fly. I dreamed that when I flew crowds would run after me and pull me down.  I couldn’t get away.

There’s nowhere but death to escape too.  But Christians must live and serve.  I live and serve. My dog needs me.  I am of service. I have purpose. But I’m overwhelmed

Attitude of gratitude.

Gratitude lists,

Forget the nightmares and remember how much fun she was and all the good times in the past.  I ‘ve been remembering my mother’s grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup and milk for lunch.  I’d walk home and that would be waiting.  I loved feeling safe with Dad , ex RCAF, and rifle in the cabinet and the Cold War.  

I’m supposed to be writing a paper.  I’m almost finished the research and readings. I’ve some pages that need to be editted. I hoped to do that today. I have work calls to make and photocopying to do.  It’s all like moving in molasses.

God is good all of the time, Thank you Jesus. Thank you God for the heat and the roof and the warm and dry. Thank you for the dog and technology. Thank you for my new Vespa. Thank you for good dreams Thank you for adventures. Thank you for this life. Thank you for family and friends. Thank you for all your blessings,  

Thank you