Relationship Gambits: The Ambush, the Departure and Arrival

Therapists coined the term the ‘ambush’ for a particular set of uncivilized behaviours which commonly came under the broader heading of ‘covert aggression’.

In the ambush one person is involved in an activity of importance necessary to what Maslow described as essential matters such as health and safety issues.  That person is often the leader or as transactional analysis therapists described them, in that moment, performing a ‘parent’ role as opposed to being the ‘child’.   In psychodrama this person would be the ‘main’ character on the ‘stage’ or ‘have’ the stage.

In the ambush the ‘parent’ may be assailed by the child with all manner of demands or questions at the very moment the ‘parent’ is ‘doing tax equation to meet that night’s deadline’, ‘defusing an actual bomb’, ‘driving a car in a difficult transaction’, or making the night’s dinner. 

My favourite interruption of this sort is a street person accosting me as I’m preparing my Harley for departure.  This ‘stranger’ suddenly is talking to me about my bike and their days riding and all manner of matters irrelevant to the ‘task at hand’. I’m about to get on a two wheeled conveyance, am going through a check similair to what a pilot does.  My life and those around me depend on my ‘undivided attention’ at that moment. The street person has all the time in the world, like a child, while I like a parent, in this transaction, am on a ‘schedule’ and have a ‘deadline’.  Schedules and deadlines are not things of note to the ‘child’. 

This often drug addled person without time or obligations factors affecting their ‘ambush’ , wanting ‘conversational’ and ‘attentional’ credits at that moment is usually using this conversational gambit to work up to their ‘close’ where they ask for cash or tell some story of ‘need’.  Meanwhile I am further worried about assault or damage to my bike as in this situation I’m vulnerable often having to turn my back on this intruder, when I need to be fully focussed on the the ‘sacred’ moment of ‘departure’.  Departure and arrival are transitional zones which are commonly chosen by those who ‘ambush’ as they at that moment,  remaining stationary,  have ‘position authority’.  Military leaders are most concerned when they are ‘inserting’ themselves into new territory or ‘extracting’ themselves from territory. 

If you respond to that gambit with any manner of response, your ‘tone’ will naturally be unsympathetic and defensive and distracted and the ‘attacker’ will deny profusely anything but
‘positive’ intent. ‘Hey man, don’t get upset I was just commenting on your motorcycle.’  Now instead of focusing on the departure further , the aggreessor’s ‘hurt feelings’ must be ‘appeased’ and the departure is further delayed or sidelined, with the ‘cost’ to the primary ‘on stage event’ by this ‘audience’ person suddenly stepping on the ‘stage’ with their lines from a different play or different timing. As the child thinking only of themselves will insist that they ‘were just talking’ etc.  Adults however learn civilized or mannerly behaviour which involves respect of ‘time and place’ in communications and interactions, and respect for departures and arrivals. .  

A famous Jewish theologian and therapist advised people of the heightened risk of conflict at the point of departure and arrival.  Departures universally are stressful for the departing person with the fear of forgetting something, going out of the safety of the home and all manner of such biological and emotional concerns. These are well observed times for children to ‘act’ up and ‘create a scene’ and generally get ‘attention by negative’ means.  Starting a fight, etc.  This may be further because one is going from a positive place such as a beach vacation back to a winter work situation.  Any such matter may heighten the risk for the irritating nature of this intrusion on concentration and ‘world’ or ‘practical’ considerations at that time.  

In the Navy and Air Force and Military silence is maintained in the cockpit at the moment of departure and arrivals because it’s long been recognized in the work world of the risk inherent at this time for disaster.  Commonly children self excuse their behaviour at this moment by saying they’re just having fun or Why do you have to always get so angry?  Generally speaking the adult or responsible individual is attacked at this point with the standard covert aggression phrases of blaming and name calling and emotional escalation and distraction further distracting from the focus of the operator or parent or pilot.  Unnecessary accidents occur with cost to life and equipment so workplaces are generally better ‘managed’ than recreational situations where a lot of accidents and acts of aggression get by as ‘ambushes’ are also so ‘easily denied’.  They are not necessarily intentional though they are always disrespectful of the priority of safety and the agreed action of departure or arrival at that time.

The street person doesn’t really care about me. He’s being narcissistic though of course would deny this..  

The minute a person reacts by calling the other person names or uses character assasination their underlying aggression is exposed.  The ambush carries this sense of ‘betrayal’ to the experience of the parent, adult, leader or operator or to the actor the sense that the other person is again ‘stealing the stage’. Often the class clown or non sequitur is most effective at such times involving need for attention by others.  They may indeed feel anxious and ‘break the tension’ with their self centred behaviour not themselves having had the experience of leadership or responsibility and just emotionally having difficulty containing themselves. The very nature of ‘covert aggressive’ tactics is that they so often appear ‘passive’. In the ‘ambush’ the person’s behaviour would not be so aggravating except for the ‘timing’ and the ‘context’.

To the external observer they see the street person smiling and friendly and the biker looking angry and irritated and negative. He’d be seen as the bad actor and the ‘ambush’ would appear ‘wholly innocent though perhaps someone would later reflect on the issues of ‘boundaries’ . 

Arrivals are sacred moments. Departures are sacred moments.  In arrivals the primary action is greeting and welcoming or defence.  In departures the primary action is leaving, letting go, transition from stationary and the known to mobile and unknown.  These are sacred times because they are best transitioned by being fully in the moment, practicing what Brother Lawrence calls ‘practicing the presence ‘.  Baba Ram Dass aka Richard Alpert and more recently Eckart Tollé have spoken of this a ‘being in Now’. 

When it comes to the external world of things this whole matter of attention was best described in the book , Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’. It was also once called ‘respect’ and ‘good manners’ or ‘civilized behaviour’ before the barbaraism of todays social Marxism and identity politics of ‘me first’.