Tuesday Journal

I had pleasant dreams.  I awoke with the iphone alarm. I took Gilbert for his morning walk and constitutional.  It really was a lovely morning.  Sunny day, blue sky, sweet breeze.  I even had breakfast, coffee, oatmeal and yogurt. I had a multi vitamin.  I did some dishes and took out the garbage.

I was actually in a pretty good mood for going to work.  I've had some cumulative anxiety about getting in the car and going to work.  Too many negative experiences seem to come over me as I'm making my way out the door. Memories of patients hitting me, pulling out guns, threatening me, lying, bullying.  Ironically, I've not had much of that for a while and yet it's been recently that I'm having this anxiety.  A variation on social anxiety.
Then too today I had to drive to the DTES and I'm really finding myself anxious about driving through that area with all the people walking on the streets, the chaos, the gauntlet of insaniety and the flagrant evidence of financial mismanagement by all levels of government.  It's right in your face there.  I'm reacting to the time I was there always and became immune for a while to the shouting and crime and sirens.

I had thought to ride the motorcycle.  I took my sportscar instead.  I love the Miata.  Gilbert loves his seat.  It was a mistake to not take the motorcycle.  Traffic was backed up on the freeway. Instead of the 30 to 40 minute drive it was an hour and a half before I got to work.  My mood was changing.  I was already allowing the environment to affect my equanamity.

I got a coffee.  It tasted of grease and soap.  Disappointing.  I had to address paperwork which was onerous.  I saw a few patients.  One went missing. I liked seeing them. They're progressing and growing forward.

The staff here are great. I really like my colleagues.  In the background there's a vague negativity. That John Mayer feeling, "I want to run through the halls of the school" kind of feeling.  I realize that there's already a touch of fall in the air.  I feel that summer is going and I've been travelling and working and not taking advantage of the good weather. I work all winter hoping and praying for summer to go sailing and camping and then it's come and gone this year.  I'm already planning hunting but there's a background of disease.  I'm weighted down with concern.  I pray each day for the health of my loved one.  There seems to be a ceiling on my own happiness.  I do what I can to go forward.  I've the feeling of moving in molasses.

I look forward to watching tv.  I've download Extant and Dark Matter and Rookie Blue. I reading Wilbur Smith's latest book. I want to cocoon. It's summer and I really should be out in the woods or out on the water and instead all I've been doing is weekending in the RV. I'm regenerating. I'm cozy. I 'm recouperating.

The weekend was good.  Laura and I cleaned the freezer on the boat.  The fear of old food rotting is now gone. I took out the liveaboard clothing and left a cupboard with just the boating wear that needs to be there. I'm making slow progress each trip to returning the boat to a travelling vehicle from a water side apartment. I ve not been sailing since April.  The boats packed together on the dock made my solo departing and returning seem just too risky. I'd like to go out and come back evenings and weekends but don't want to face the return with so little room and fear of damaging neighbours.  It seems to much at this time.  I love being out in the boat especially expeditioning and especially being at anchor but I'm just not doing it. Instead I'm more interested in clean up.  I'm planning on putting up on the hard for fall in preparation for another passage. It's offshore ready except for the cockpit drain. I did run the new engine for an hour.

Now I've got to return to work.