Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Sperm and Darwin

When one thinks of Darwin, German SS Nazi Storm Troopers come to mind.  Survival of the fittest and all that  social relativism started with this fellow whose ideas literally infected our notions of sperm.  Billions of little tadpoles eject from the penis of a man and according to Darwin they are in a 'race' to impregnate a female egg.  Only one sperm will unite with one egg and Darwin claimed this sperm was the 'winner'.

Frankly, I don't think Darwin knew sperm.  Imagine a billion little men trapped inside suddenly let lose.  They're not going anywhere but away.  They're escaping.  They running en mass away from the prison or asylum.  The Latins are forming congo lines. The Irish are doing jigs. The French are pontificating and gesticulating while they run.  The Americans are trying to take charge while bringing up the rear. The Canadians are being polite but running no less fast.
It's a mad dash for the first stretch, given the propulsive release.  After that it's like any other billion group of men going no place. They're spread out.  Some are out in front, not competitively, but just to get away from the other guys and see what's around the corner.  There's some guys bringing up the rear because that's where they can keep an eye on things.  The meanderers are muddling along in the middle.

The Vagina has always been a confusing place for men.  Imagine the poor little guys without GPS (or a woman to ask directions for them) trapped in cul de sacs.  If they were hell bent on reproduction like Darwin claims they'd find a way forward.  Yet once they come up against a wall they head the other way happy to be helped along by Gravity.  Turned around,   they joyfully escape to the great outside where there are bright lights and terrific musky scents.   There's also  that spectacular Whistler Blackcomb ski ride along a satin smooth inner thigh.  Maybe these sperm are the winners, the great escapees who end their short exciting lives puddling the sheets.  It's not like sheets and sperm are unknown to each other.  That alone shoots hole  in Darwin's mere intellectualism.

Darwin selected  the tunnellers to prop up his less than perfect theory.   His little 19th century brain gave all his attention to the sperm that entered the Cervix and headed up the Uterus.  Now what a long trek that will become for these little guys, their little tadpole tails wagging slower and slower,  no doubt. You just have to know a whole lot of them faced with the wonder of that great ocean probably turned back thankful for Gravity and the Great ski resort below.

The remaining sperm randomly headed off.  Those straight arrows that raced  right up the centre only banged their teeny heads against the Great Wall.  What sort of devious arrangement is this that those who angle off to the side, shiftilly, actually find a way out. It goes against the very ideals of Darwinian 'fittest'.  There's no efficiency in this arrangement. The  muddlers and amblers are as likely in the Uterus to find their way to the Fallopian Tubes as any Neitzian Superhero hell bent on the 'race'.

Besides anywhere along here an Egg might be stalking, already having slid down the Fallopian tube ready to pounce on an unsuspecting sperm simply minding it's own business, looking for a way out of a gooey maze. It's the Egg that's selective and probably seeking some poor schmuck trying to escape.

Mostly the sperm get waylaid in the Fallopian Tube.  Here their way of escape is blocked by something like a black gartered Dominatrix Egg.  . Most of the sperm might very  happily sneak around the sides of this engulfing Gaia mother just  to  get out the back door.  Maybe they draw lots. "Okay, Ernie, you're the slow one, we're going to leave you here to face that Egg alone. The rest of us guys will go get help".  Next thing poor Ernie is trapped for life in an Egg sucking the very DNA out him.  The Egg meanwhile is already pissed that she was just expelled from her home so isn't too pleased with Ernie.  The two of them start housekeeping  under threat of an abortion guillotine as well.  Meanwhile the 'gang' are partying their way up the Fallopian Tubes ready escape to into the great Abdominal Mall. Without responsibility they live out the wild full life of a happy unattached little sperm man.

There's a billion of these guys. They end up all over  the place.  Some in the wrong hole. Some in kleenex.  There's no reason whatsoever to think that the one sperm that gets tackled by an Egg is the fittest.  Darwin was simply wrong. Darwin was a  19th century English chauvinist.  The Egg could as easily captured Ernie because he was slowest or stupidest.   No one is saying he's not a nice guy.  He just might not be the fittest.

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